In the Shadows of Our Lives Part 1 - On Broken Wings VII ~ Cinco de Mayo ~
Dear Journal:
It's Cinco de Mayo! Or direct translation, the Fifth of May. This is the day Mexico pushed back the French armies in 1862. Sort of like Independence Day for Mexicans. What's that mean to me Journal? Well, not a whole helluva lot really, but it's the day when we eat and drink Mexican. Too bad it's a Monday. That's not going to stop the party we have planned with taco's, enchiladas, burrito's, chili-cheese nachos and salsa, Sol, Corona and Tequila! Plus we piss off the teachers by responding to them Si Senior (or Seniorita), andalae, andalae!
It is playing it pretty dangerous, but I am going to invite Chris to come along with me to the bush party right by my house and hopefully sleep over. Dangerous because people might figure him out and thereby figure me out in turn. Yeah, we're teenagers and will find any excuse to drink and party but what the hell? Why not? We are teenagers after all! Plus I've missed Chris because he was away all weekend in New York with his dad at some auto show or convention or something. Anyhow, here's a little catch-up on my weekend.
It was boring. Yup, I came home from school on Friday and waited for Tim to pick me up to watch his game. There was a tournament this weekend, there is a big tournament next weekend, and the city championship is in a few more weeks I think, so the team is working extra hard. I have an essay that I really had to write the final copy of so I got going on working in Larry's revisions and was done by the time Tim's game was over. All I had to do was re-type it up later.
I guess I missed one helluva game. Afterwards Tim was all sweaty and dusty. He's really kinda hot and sexy in his skimpy baseball uniform, especially when he mock flirts with me in private. After the game we went to his place and I played NHL2000 in his room while I waited for him to shower and get ready. Caught a money shot of his ass as he dressed after his shower.
We were supposed to head over to Tania's but Neil made it clear to Tim earlier that he was planning to get some action from her, so we were to kindly keep away. While deciding what to do I flipped his T.V. to the Dallas Stars game. Rather than just hanging out at the mall, walking around aimlessly for an hour before it closed we decided to watch the game.
Around midnight we were at the school fields, sitting on the benches and staring at the stars. We talked and ended up back at his place after one in the morning. It's strange with Tim sometimes. I get a strange vibe off of him sometimes, like he's trying to look right inside me and figure me out. For what I don't know though, although he did at one point jokingly ask me if I ever thought about threesomes, and double teaming a girl, and would I be comfortable with another guy. I didn't know if that was an offer to have sex with him, to have sex with him and a girl or if he was fishing for my reaction in general as to what I thought about guys. I let it slide like I did when he was pretending to hit on me in his car right after the game; I just said `whatever' and we left it at that.
I am not going to deny my sexuality to him anymore if he asks I have decided. I know he'll be cool with it, but at the same time I am not going to say anything unless he directly asks me if I am gay. In those precise words. And only if he is being sincere and not joking around. Friday night for sure would have been weird because when I went to bed with him he decided to put me in a headlock and force my face into his armpit. I jokingly pretended to inhale deeply. Jokingly as far as he was concerned, but in reality it was no joke, only something I could mask as one. Yeah, if he knew that I was gay I doubt strongly that he would be sleeping in the same room as me ever, let alone in the same bed, and he might realize that having a guy manhandle me isn't exactly objectionable. Like usual Saturday morning he dropped me off at my first job.
My backpack must hate Friday nights and Saturdays. CD player, CD wallet, full change of street clothes, a work uniform including shoes, and whatever I may try to stash for the night. At least my music store `uniform' is basically any of my rock shirts and whatever makes me look the rocker part.
You're up to speed now Journal. Lates, Jon.
).:.(<<
It's Monday morning. Tim is over to pick me up. Candace has taken to making more breakfast daily than needed for herself, and Tim's taken to eating her left-over breakfast at our house while he waits on me to get ready.
Tim has rep baseball tryouts after his school baseball practice so he won't be free until like 9:00 tonight. At lunch I call Chris and let him know the deal. Chris picks me up from school. We don't really have anything planned aside from the party I've failed to mention to Chris, and that proves to be a good thing because as we get to my house my neighbour is coming out of my back yard. There is water pooled everywhere as Mrs. Petriczko tells me that she thought maybe it was coming from inside our house or that vandals may have turned on the water hose.
It's very metaphoric, but it feels like I am trying to run through water as I walk from Chris's truck to the back yard and survey the disaster. The badly rusted part of the pool is leaning out, and collapse is imminent. It looks like Jaws has attacked the pool and right where his front teeth would have left an imprint, about two and a half feet down the side of the pool, there is a visible crack and the liner is ripped. The water is still leaking out at a good pace. I finally have to suck it up and get the drain pump and hose out of the crawlspace under the deck and set to draining the pool.
With the pump depositing pool water to the sewers in the road, as my favourite refuge from life is slowly being sucked away from me I invite Chris for a swim in my pool. He isn't a dick, like haha, look at your shitty-ass pool or anything. He's really nice and knows that I loved having the pool however crappy it had become. I offer Chris a pair of my board shorts that I use to swim in and he graciously joins me as I bid farewell to my pool. Whilst I fill the gutters and storm drains with the contents of my pool we horse around and give the pool a good send off. We finally get out when the water level is closer to knee height than waist height. It usually takes all night to drain the pool when it doesn't have the head start it got today.
Around 5:30 my mom is home. She's spotted Chris and I in the pool, obviously noticed what has happened and that I'm putting the pool out of its misery. Something about that combination has told her to stay well enough away from me just now. Nah, that's not Ma, she doesn't back away from engaging anyone in confrontation. More likely she's decided that based on any of those reasons that she would give me my space. I'm a Scorpio, and as one herself she respects that we sometimes need our space. No doubt, if she ever wants to be in my face, she will be, come hell or high water, or even both while in the midst of an Ice Age!
Lacey and her boyfriend are going to the Houston Astro's baseball game tonight. I guess Mom knows about Lacey's boyfriend after all. As for Chris, I haven't thought through how to have him join Nat, Tania and I at the bush party planned in Freed Park around the corner while we wait on Tim and Neil without it causing comment, let alone the big mouth bitch Stacey Smith. But I guess I don't have to worry about that at the moment any more anyhow. Shit, I haven't even thought through how the hell I am going to get through the current inevitable situation of my family meeting Chris.
I'm in am all out panic just under the surface as Candace and her best friend Jen show up in time for dinner that Larry brings over after the football team practice is done. Mmm, KFC. That stuff makes me gag. I guess Larry doesn't understand Cinco de Mayo! Either that or after the being called Senior all day he's not caving into the teenager game. My mom called me in for dinner but Larry suggested that we eat it out on the back deck instead.
Everyone including Bandit crowd outside with the food. So as they are coming outside I take the excuse of being all wet and not dressed to sneak inside with Chris and at least put some clothes on so that we don't feel overly exposed and naked. This is obviously merely psychological, but I will feel like my sexuality is completely exposed and I am trying to find some way to put myself at ease. I know there is some metaphoric flaw in it, like Lady Macbeth trying to wash invisible blood off of her hands, but whatever.
"What are you going to do?" Chris asks as I close the sliding kitchen door.
`Rasputin' by Boney M is playing in the kitchen. I consider the history lesson packed into a modern pop song ingenious. Coming back to reality, pensively I respond, "Dunno, really. I'm so busted."
He bemoans me, "You're funny. Because you have a friend over makes you a fag in you family's eyes? Think about it. I might sound gay, but that doesn't make me gay, and it sure as hell doesn't make you gay. The fact that we are is not common knowledge to them!"
"I guess you're right. But you're out, and comfortable with your family. I'm not. Remember that," I rationalize.
I haven't explained the whole Larry situation to Chris, so he doesn't know that Larry knows about him, or that he's known about me for like a year now. There's common ground because Larry's own son is gay too, but that doesn't help me with my family.
Chris again gets the grand tour of the house, into the kitchen through the back door where you can see Deanna's room in what should be a dining room; opening off of the kitchen. Down a quick hallway also opening off the kitchen would bring us to the front door and the doorway to the living room, and stairs going up to two small bedrooms and a bathroom. Instead we go through the third and final opening to the kitchen, a small area that would have been a pantry once probably that now opens into the laundry room. This area is now just a cubby hole for our computer. So after all of four feet from the kitchen we're in the laundry room. The laundry room by all rights was once a coat closet and bathroom off the front entrance before some previous owner changed it to an enclosed laundry room.
Through this tiny space of a laundry room we turn 90 degrees to the right and go into an addition that theoretically is a mudroom, off the side of the house between the carport and the house with boarded shut doorways on 2 other walls. That is now my 6' by 6' bedroom, with my single mattress directly on the floor and no room even for a dresser. Chris didn't see my room earlier, as we changed in the laundry room. I feel so poor in his presence as he sees my tiny house and my pathetic room with wall-mounted shelves in all four corners and across two walls; serving as my dresser, bookcase and whatnot. He really doesn't have to, but he takes a step back and leans up against the wall just so that I can close the door. I mean there were a few inches to spare!
Instantly Chris notices my artwork on the back of the door.
I have two posters that I did for art class, both incorporate the lyrics of a song. They are done using an air brush that Deanna and Scott have. The first one has High Enough by Damn Yankees written in block letters around the border and I have a surreal picture of a tree on the summit of a hill with wildflowers growing everywhere and an eagle in the sky above playing with the sun. It is bright and colourful, and full of life.
The other is more personal. It is a collage of dozens of very faint, overlapping colours in no particular pattern that simply looks black from more than a few feet away. Not jet black, but still black at first glance; a really neat looking charcoal black with streaks of colour that fade to a white oval in the center. In that white center I have a black rose in front of a black heart. The heart has a gold glow coming off of it, and the rose a red glow. The blend of red and gold looks like a flame. The lyrics are done in script in the kaleidoscope of colour using a white-out pen and read as The Flame from Cheap Trick. That one was on display at a mall and the Board of Education for a semester after I did it.
He doesn't say anything really about them, and I don't offer my inspiration for them because I don't think he really wants to know that Daniel was that inspiration. In my mixed feelings towards Daniel I have rationalized that at least the second poster was meant to be me; the dark and nondescript rose and heart, radiating hope and love in my world of turmoil. Me! I am the flame damn it!
Instead he tells me that he saw my The Flame when it was on display in the Meyerland Plaza Shopping Center. Small world! I'm sort of touched that he recognizes it and I know he's not shitting me because I never told him about it so he really has to have seen it where he says he did. I can't even explain why, but this validates me somehow more than I could have ever thought possible.
I offer, "Do you want it?"
"Seriously? You'd give that to me?"
"Yeah. It's all I have to give, as you can see, but if you really like it then it's yours." As I motion to my sparse room I'm so flattered that it impressed him enough to be worthy or memory at all to him that I really do want him to have it.
Chris placates me, "Sexy, you don't have to give me anything. You're enough."
"Fine, but seriously, if you want it I'll give it to you. I'm so flattered that you even recognize it; that it was worth looking at through the glass frame to you once upon a time rather than spitball it like so many kids did."
"Nah, I couldn't take it. It's too personal I think. You'd regret giving it to me someday. It had to mean something when you made it and I'd like to flatter myself too, but I know that the subject of it isn't me."
I just shrug my shoulders.
Chris jokes and kisses me sweetly, "Well Sexy, we better get dressed and outside or else they really might think something is up!"
We change back into our clothes from earlier and head outside. I try to be casual as I introduce Chris to everyone. Larry obviously has an idea that Chris is more than a friend because I've told him about Chris. But he's never broached the subject since, and promised not to unless I want to come to him with it, so I'm not worried about his reaction.
I do wonder if he and my mom have really discussed anything, like oh, say, the fact that I like boys not girls for instance? He's let on to me that Ma is a little curious especially after hearing from Lacey that I get called Faggot Farrows, Jonny Fudgepacker, and other random variations at school stemming from the Daniel incident. But he's also assured me that he hasn't let on anything and tried to play it down as teenagers being teenagers. But why would he be loyal to me and not her? He's not dating me, wouldn't it make more sense for him to be honest and level with her? If he's really been true to his word with me then he is really a decent guy in my books, and knows that being a teenager is hard enough to deal with without any unwanted attention to sexuality.
At any rate I don't want to be a dick, and it isn't anything personal against Larry but I get the worst gut rot from Colonel Cluck 'N Fuck and heartburn like that really hurts. So I offer Chris my share although my mom has already seen to it that the 15 piece bucket has been divided and a few choice pieces have been set aside for Chris and me. I'm not completely a momma's boy, but she does know without a doubt that I will not touch the chicken with a 10 foot pole. So I can probably safely assume that the choice pieces have intentionally been set aside for Chris. And of course it's all done so as to seem coincidental. I can't help but smile as I think as far as mother's go, mine's pretty kick-ass.
Chris is more than happy to indulge her and eats everything she offers; the chicken, coleslaw, fries, gravy, onion nuggets. I begin to wonder at what point being gracious and eating what is offered to be polite might backfire on him. Like what if she offers him a whole watermelon for desert maybe? After dinner Candace and Jen debate their evening and Candace puts on one of her `kinda had plans already' acts to Jen to get her to leave. This is sorta odd for her because Jen is her best friend aside from Lacey. Especially now that Lacey is seeing that mystery guy. So I internally question Candace's motives. Jen leaves shortly after 7:00 and Candace sneaks up to her room while Larry takes off to the local Taco Bell for me.
When Larry gets back I expect him to corner me and start the inquiry with Chris, but he doesn't. He just gives me the Burrito Supreme combo and says here you go son, and makes his way to the kitchen to help my mom with the few dishes. I don't get all defensive at that, I'm probably somewhere in the midst of at least ten thousand male students he has called son throughout his years. We all get called son until we do something to stand out to him, then we get called by our last names. If we cross him, we get put on a first name basis. Basically if Coach / Vice Principal Maynes calls you by your first name you are a walking target for discipline. He knows the fear that being called by a first name carries, even outside of school so he just calls me son around the house.
It would seem odd for him to call me by my last name so we have mutually agreed on this. I know he wants me to get on a first name basis with him around home. It probably hurts him a bit that I call him by his first name and he can't do the same but I have lived in fear of him as the maniacal gym teacher / football coach / vice principal for 3 years and I can't help it if I freeze in place when he uses my first name. It really is his fault after all that he casts such a reputation; that he can make men all over the city worry what they might be guilty of at the mere sound their first name being uttered by his voice, even if it's been years since they graduated! The fact that he is a sincere man in his desire to mold us teenagers into the most happy and productive people we can be is really only known by the hard cases that have clashed with him and have firsthand experience that he really is a friend and a resource at school, not an enemy.
Yeah, I know. Whatever. Bad asses actually respecting him? Probably not. So long story short; at any rate still, when he calls me by my first name I get all nervous and am ready to confess to anything short of blowing up the world. So son it is. It doesn't bother me either that he calls me son around the house. Again, it beats the alternative, and I don't dislike him. If Mom marries him, like Deanna said to me a few months ago, there are a lot worse things that he could offer her than genuine happiness. So even though it probably goes against the `teenager with a single parent' code to like their parent's prospective interest, I am cool with him.
By the time I finish eating my Taco Bell, minus the supreme fries that Candace swooped down to appropriate, Mom and Larry are back outside. I excuse Chris and I so that I can slip inside and call Tania's cell phone and let her know why I've stiffed her tonight. She's totally cool with it, but says I'm missing a good time. I can hear the party getting louder from my back yard, half a block away from the woods in Freed Park. The evening is otherwise quiet and still, and now that the four of us are outside with no distractions it's painfully awkward sitting in silence. I talk idly with Chris, but I don't want anything to come out that my mom shouldn't hear, and well, I don't know. It's just strange sitting here with my secret boyfriend, my mom and her boyfriend.
Candace breaks the funeral up, inquiring if the case of beer in the back of Chris's truck is up for grabs. Without really thinking Chris said for her to help herself. A minute later she is filling a bucket with the Corona's and some ice she had bought for her previous party plans. After dropping the bucket in front of Chris and me she opens a bottle and drains half of it is one long sip. Chris asks to no one specifically if anyone else would like one. I am almost sitting on my hands wondering if we'll get away with drinking in front of Ma and Larry or what.
Larry asks Chris if he's sure, and after Chris confirms that he is Larry pulls out four bottles; handing one each to my mom, Chris and me. So we all get to drink in the evening sun. I use Paul's bottle opener trick. We sit out on the deck and drink a few beers in honor of our fallen friend; the pool. We sort of have a summer kick off night where I get to drink real alcohol in front of my mom for the first time. I've never been allowed a drink around home other than wine on holidays. It's weird because I've smoked up with her once, but she certainly is neither a pothead nor a drinker so the night seems like a `rights of passage' kind of night for me.
Conversation picks up and we all get to talking about a variety of things from the new Star Wars movies to sports, to the upcoming election. My mom wanted Ross Perot to run again, but is probably going with Bush while Larry is heavily in favour of Al Gore. Chris and Candace are also pro Bush and I lean towards the Democrats. So we leave that subject, because it is starting to get a bit personal. Soon enough Chris and I are nursing a second beer and nothing is said about the fact that we shouldn't be. We get to talking about the house and how mom could renovate it once we're all gone for school. Candace drops a bit of a bombshell and tells us that she has applied for, been interviewed for, and offered to work on a cruise ship that makes its way around the world for a year before going on to college. She always said that she wanted to do so; make some money before going on with school and see the world doing it. It shouldn't come as a surprise but in the end it still does.
We get philosophical about life from there. I think Ma is really enjoying the night because there aren't many more innocent nights like this left in her roost. We're all getting ready to spread our wings and fly.
Before Chris grabs a third Larry does inquire as to driving home and that is sort of our indicator that he's cut off of his own beer. He hands it to me instead. As I was just already on my third I chug it and take the one he was going to drink. I'm not much for the taste, and they are a bit warm still, but after the fourth they are going down easy. I get cut off after the fifth one that Chris had handed me partly because I am obviously buzzing and partly because Larry reminds me that he can't excuse a hangover at school tomorrow, especially one that he is present for the creation of, so I better take it easy the rest of the night. As the sun sets I notice Candace stealing a lot of glances at Chris and I am trying to figure out if she is crunching on him or if she is on to me.
Chris has the sense to not rest a hand momentarily on my leg, or rub my back or show any such display of affection. I did not intend for Chris to meet my family, but the pool fiasco has vicariously prompted the meeting. Chris tries his best to sound butch and straight, and if not for having gone to bed with him a few times I may almost believe it myself. Well, O.K. maybe not. Larry knows straight away what is up, and I think Candace has a good idea too. My mom, I really think is blissfully ignorant. But maybe not. I just don't know for sure. At any rate no one says anything remotely touching on the subject of sexuality.
Larry is very cautious in fact in not asking much of anything about Chris because he knows that Chris isn't from Parkwood, and thankfully Candace doesn't act like Chris is a foreigner either. Maybe she doesn't know he's not from our school. Either way Ma isn't accidently brought up to speed. It almost is too much to endure; everyone being nice and stuff and treating Chris and I with kid gloves. So it's a big ole charade in front of Ma for my benefit, and a dramatic show on Larry's part for me to her. That too has got me thinking, he is really nice to me and I know his own son turned out gay and he's cool with that. He's cool with me to the point that he's keeping the secret from my mom. So just what are his intentions towards my mom if he is keeping a pretty huge secret about her son from her? If she just asks if Chris is my boyfriend then the gig will be up, but she really is either ignorant to the fact, or plain ignoring it.
When as the night draws to an end Chris and I don't even kiss goodbye, in case anyone sees. All in all, it's not been a bad night. Our relationship has experienced a real life moment rather than a drunken teenager one and we've done well. I guess it's helping build the foundation between us and we've also gotten the first time meeting my family out of the way. It has a sort of surreal quality to it really, when I think about it. Larry stays the night while I wish Chris could have. As I hit the sac alone another Cinco de Mayo is in the books for me.
[to be continued]