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This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to individuals, living or dead, is pure coincidence. Do not read this story if you are offended by man-to-man romance or sex. Do not read if you are underage according to laws in the country, state/province, county, city/town/village or township where you live.
This is a love story. I've attempted to create a tale where the characters are involved in every aspect of life. Although sex is part of all love stories, so are romance, pain and self-realization. I hope you enjoy it.
I enjoy receiving e-mail and will attempt to answer all messages. Mail to: rustynail920@yahoo.com
IN THE DIRECTION OF HAPPINESS - PART 2
Chapter 5 - A Dream Realized
Being single and having no debts, I stashed away every penny. I earned a very good wage so my savings account grew rapidly. My lifetime dream was to own a nursery, and when the opportunity came along, I wanted to have the money to make it happen.
The opportunity came my way much sooner than I anticipated. Through a friend, I learned that a small wholesale nursery, located in the foothills north of the San Fernando Valley, was for sale. The nursery was family owned and the parents were ready to retire. Knowing that their children had no desire to continue operating the business, mom and dad decided to sell everything and use the profit to further their kid's education. The purchase price included the nursery and a small house on 25 acres. With my savings I made a hefty down payment and financed the balance. Escrow closed in 90 days and I was in business.
As much as I enjoyed my job and living in the Tehachapi Mountains, I was glad to be back in Los Angeles County. My nursery was not far from where I grew up and only a fifteen-minute drive to the San Fernando Valley. Living in Tehachapi I had missed my friends and family and, surprisingly enough, I missed the big city. Now I had the best of both worlds - my home and business in the country and the city within easy access.
Only one thing troubled me. It wouldn't be as easy to get together with Mark. I could tell that he too was troubled but he never said a negative word to me. He was totally supportive of my plans and assured me that nothing would change between us.
Mark met Barbara about three months before I moved south. She was working at the Base as a temporary receptionist in Mark's department. Physically she is everything Mark loves. Large breasts, long auburn hair, and a beautiful face. She is well educated and comes from a stable family. At first she seemed to be a winner.
They began dating and within a month she moved into his off-Base house with him. Mark was in love, or at least infatuated. They spent all of their free time together and I did my very best to wish them well. I knew that Mark needed a serious relationship with a woman who would meet more than his sexual needs. If I really loved Mark, then I would be happy for him, right? Let's just say I tried hard
I worried about Mark's short-term relationships. They seemed to follow a pattern. They'd always start off strong, with great passion, but within a few weeks they'd be over. Mark would say little, but I knew deep inside that he was berating himself. Also, with so many sexual partners, I was concerned about his health. So yes, the unselfish part of me was happy that Mark seemed to be serious about Barbara. The selfish part, well, you can imagine. I was miserable.
As a way of coping with my loneliness, I channeled all of my energy into my new business and, out of necessity, became very good friends with my right hand.
Mark too had concerns. He worried that his relationship with Barbara would cause me to withdraw from him. He would call me daily, often with no other reason than to tell me he loved me. I never questioned the sincerity of his love. I just missed him so much.
My first problem with Barbara occurred the day I was scheduled to move. I had rented a truck and Mark was going to help me move my furniture. We spoke on the telephone the night before the scheduled move and we arranged for him to arrive at 9 A.M. Mark is always punctual. By 9:45 he had not arrived and I became a little concerned. At 10:15 the telephone rang and it was Mark.
"Hey buddy, what's up?" I asked.
"Steven, I can't help you move today, something unexpected came up. I'm really sorry to let you down." His voice sounded hollow.
"What happened Mark?"
"I can't talk right now. I'll call you from work on Monday. I'm really sorry Steven. "
"Okay."
I was confused. This was very out of character for Mark and I had a bad feeling inside. Barbara was jealous of our relationship - I was just sure of it. She didn't want him to help me.
Over the last few weeks I had started to suspect that she might be jealous. Whenever the three of us were together, Mark would throw his arm around my shoulders or even hold my hand. I was surprised that he would do that in front of her, but I never suggested that he refrain. We were just looking for trouble. It would appear we found it.
I had become a friend of the publisher of the Tehachapi News. I gave Tom a call and asked if he could help me with the move. He was happy to help. Everything proceeded as planned but, by nightfall, I was exhausted. I fell into bed at my new home and slept until late Sunday morning.
I took time on Sunday to become acquainted with Karen and Dan, two employees who worked at the nursery part time. Knowing that I would need qualified help, I asked them to stay on and work for me. Both cheerfully agreed and my impression of them was favorable.
Karen, 41, was married and the mother of two girls. She worked at the nursery for the last six years. Her primary responsibility was assisting customers. She also handled routine horticultural jobs. Dan, 22, was single and had worked at the nursery since he graduated from high school. He maintained the irrigation system and assisted in the shipping process. He also drove the delivery truck. I soon learned just how valuable their knowledge and experience would be. Both still work for me today.
True to his word Mark, called me from work on Monday morning. He sounded terrible. I knew immediately that something was very wrong.
"Steven, I'm so sorry I let you down. Did you get moved okay? Did you have any help?"
"Yes Mark, the move went fine. Tom, from the Tehachapi News, helped me out. I'm exhausted but happy. I spent all day yesterday unpacking and getting to know my part-time help. I miss you Mark, are you okay?"
"Remind me to give Tom a big kiss when I see him. I need to talk with you Stevie. I have to be in L.A. on Wednesday. Can I stop by on my way home?"
"Of course you can, but what about Barbara? I have a feeling that the reason you couldn't help with the move had something to do with her. Mark, is she jealous of me?"
"Yes, she's jealous, but that's only part of the problem. If that were all, I would have thrown her fat ass out of my house. Unfortunately, it's much more complicated. I really need to see you Stevie."
Mark rarely talked like that. I knew he was very angry about something.
"What time do you think you will be here on Wednesday? I have to run over to the coast in the morning. I should be back by mid afternoon."
"Probably not before 4:00, depending on traffic. But please don't rush back. Why are you going to the coast?"
I was really excited. Sunday afternoon I had picked up my first new account. A retail nursery in Ventura placed an order in excess of two thousand dollars. I wanted to personally deliver the plants so I could meet the owners of the business. I told Mark what was happening and, by his reaction, I knew he was excited about my new business endeavor.
"Mark, if you arrive before I do, look for a key under the potted jasmine plant on the front porch. That's your key to keep. Make yourself at home. There's beer in the refrigerator and snacks in the pantry. Will you be able to stay for dinner? With this great weather it would be fun to barbecue."
"I can stay as long as I want to. Barbara knows that I'm planning to talk with you. She's not happy about it but I really don't give a shit."
"Mark, I'm really concerned about you. When did you start talking like that? You're the one who climbs my frame whenever I say something harsh about somebody."
"I know, I'm sorry. I really don't know if I'm all right or not. Don't worry, I'm not dying. I just have a major problem to resolve."
"Mark, I love you. I'm here for you and I hope I can help."
"I already feel better Stevie. I love you too and I'll see you Wednesday. Goodbye sweetheart."
"Goodbye Mark."
Tuesday was busy. I continued unpacking and familiarizing myself with the nursery routine. The couple that sold me the business, Bill and Pauline Martin, were very organized. Everything was in perfect order. My only real challenge was the delivery schedule. It had always been Bill Martin's policy to ship every order within three business days. A policy I intended to keep, but I'd be left with little time to expand the mail order aspect of the business. I was hoping I could convince either Dan or Karen to work more hours.
My meeting in Ventura could not have gone better. As chance would have it, the owners of a large nursery in Orange County were visiting when I arrived. They were looking for a grower that could supply them with California native plants. I could do just that. In fact, my plan was to specialize in natives. In particular, they were looking for several species of native oaks. I had five of the varieties they wanted. They placed their first order with me.
While driving home on Highway 126, traffic began to build. In those days Highway 126 between Santa Paula and Filmore was an infamous section of road. The highway was widely known for the many, often-fatal, accidents that annually occurred. So I took my time and enjoyed the beauty of the area. Orange and avocado orchards line both sides of the highway and stretch up the gentle slopes of the surrounding hills.
As the traffic became more congested, I tried to remain patient, but was increasingly anxious to get home. The man, who held sway over my heart, would be waiting for me.
Chapter 6 - To Love and to Cherish, From This Day Forward
My property is completely fenced and you have to open a gate to gain access. Once through the gate you follow a gravel road that leads to my house. The road is lined on both sides with cottonwood trees, creating the illusion that you are in the country, when in fact, the community of Newhall is only ten minutes away.
Approaching my house, I could see Mark's car parked near the garage. I felt like a child at Disneyland. Mark was sitting on the front porch with a beer in his hand. When he saw me approaching he stood up and walked in my direction. Opening my car door he pulled me into his strong arms and we hugged for a long time.
"I've missed you so much sweetheart." Before I could say anything, he kissed me. His lips lingered against mine for a long time.
As we walked toward the front porch I noticed Dan standing by the greenhouse. He was staring at us with his mouth wide open. 'Oh great, I've probably just lost Dan, just when I need him the most,' I thought to myself.
"I'm going to take a quick shower and change clothes," I told Mark upon entering the house.
Not in his usual business attire, Mark had evidently changed clothes before I arrived home. Wearing a tank top and shorts he was a vision of masculinity. He had me so excited I thought about jerking off while in the shower. I decided against it.
When I came out of the bedroom Mark was sitting on the couch looking sexier than ever. He just sat there grinning at me until I couldn't take it any longer. "What are you grinning at?" I asked.
"You."
"And why?" I asked, smiling at him.
"Just seeing you and my world seems sane again. I don't ever want to take for granted what I have. God has blessed me with the best friend in the world."
I was surprised when Mark mentioned God. He knew that I was a Christian, but we rarely talked about spiritual matters. It felt good to hear him acknowledge God.
I opened a bottle of beer and sat down next to him on the couch. I put my arm around him and hoped my action would convey what I felt in my heart.
"How long can you stay Mark? Can you spend the night? It'll be late when we finish eating and talking and I'll worry about you driving all the way back to the Base tonight."
"We'll see. I have to be at work at 8:00 in the morning. I'll have to get up pretty early if I spend the night. If I'm tired, I'll crash here."
We went outside to start the coals in the barbecue. I could tell that Mark was getting a little tense so I knew he was about to `spill his guts'. Sitting side by side on the porch swing, we opened our second bottles of beer.
"Okay Stevie, let me tell you what's going on. Last Friday, after work, I arrive home and find Barbara crying. She hadn't been feeling well and had called in sick to work. I asked her what was wrong and she just glares at me. Her eyes were so angry."
'What the hell do you care'? She yells at me. 'Your going to take off tomorrow with Steven and won't give a damn about how I feel. I can't compete with him. Shit, he's even better looking than I am.'
'What are you talking about?' I asked her. You aren't making any sense. You know that I promised to help Steven move. He's my best friend.'
'Well why the fuck am I not your best friend?' She screams at me.
"Steven, by now I'm really getting hot. Before she moved in with me, we had an honest talk about my relationship with you. I told her that I loved you and that you were the most important person in my life. I asked her if she would feel threatened by you or hurt by our love. She told me she didn't care; in fact she thought it was sweet. We even laughed about it. All she really wanted was my cock, she joked. Now she's screaming at me and acting like I betrayed her.
"Oh no Mark, I was afraid this would happen," I interrupted. "I'm so sorry..."
"Don't be sorry Steven. It's not your fault and you haven't heard the worst part yet."
"Well hold that thought for just one minute longer, " I said while patting his thigh. "I need to put the steaks on the barbecue, the coals are probably ready."
"You bought steaks buddy?"
"Yes, Porterhouse, your favorite."
As I was putting the meat on the grill, Mark walked up behind me and slipped both of his hands under my shirt and began rubbing my belly and chest.
"Thank you for loving me Stevie," he said while kissing my ear.
"I'll always love you Mark." I didn't know what else to say or do. This gesture had totally taken me by surprise. I turned slowly and looked deep into his sorrowful eyes.
"Mark, what else happened?" I asked.
We sat back down on the patio and he continued with the story.
"I tried to explain our relationship. I told her how we met and the many great times we've had together. I reminded her that I had fallen in love with you long before I had met her. Weird? Perhaps. But I wasn't about to change anything."
'Well you better think about making some changes Mr. Williams. You're about to become a father.' she snaps at me.
'Your pregnant? How long have you known?'
'I just found out today. I was at the doctor this morning. If you didn't spend all your time dreaming about your precious Steven you may have seen the signs. I missed my last period. I wouldn't expect you to know that, but my recent bouts with nausea should have given you a clue. Or did you even notice?'
"Steven, at that point I didn't know what to say or do. I felt badly that I hadn't been more observant. I knew she hadn't been feeling well but I thought she had the flu. Everybody at work has been sick lately. I could even understand her anger. Facing an unexpected pregnancy with a man who isn't totally committed to the relationship must have terrified her. We both cooled down and decided we would resume the conversation the next morning."
I was stunned. I didn't see this one coming. My face must have looked horrified. Mark smiled and reminded me that he was the father, not me.
"Mark, can I ask you something personal?"
"Sure."
"You've never told me how you feel about Barbara. Do you love her?
"No, I don't love Barbara. Stevie, maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm a very sexual man. I mean...sex is real important to me. That's why I've had so many girlfriends.
When I met Barbara I thought she was really hot. She started flirting with me at work, and I was flattered. What the hell, ask her out, I thought to myself. We went out to dinner and I fucked her that night. The sex was good - for both of us. I know this sounds shallow, but she only moved in with me to make the sex more convenient. We were both up front and honest about it. No commitments and no strings attached, or so I thought."
"Thanks for telling me Mark. That gives me a clearer picture of what you are up against."
"Next morning we get up early to talk. You know me Steven; I'm totally supportive of a woman's right to choose. So I ask her what she wants to do. She starts yelling at me and the fight begins again."
'What do you mean, what am I going to do? I should be asking, what the fuck are you going to do? Are you going to commit to me or turn your back and walk away from your responsibilities? Damn it Mark, are you so dense? I got pregnant on purpose.'
'You told me you were on the pill.'
'I lied. I want a serious relationship. I knew I didn't stand a chance if I told you the truth. So I did what countless women have done before me. I used sex. I hoped that in time, you would come to love me. It was wrong but I didn't know what else to do. I fell for you the first day I saw you Mark. When I realized that your heart belonged to somebody else I decided to fight the only way I knew how.
I want a family Mark. I want you to be my husband and I want to give birth to your child. And, make no mistake about it; I will give birth to this child. I'm giving you the opportunity to be more than a sperm donor. I'm asking you to be a father. I'm offering you the gift of a loving family. Isn't that worth something to you? Mark, the choice is yours; I've made mine. Commit to your child and me or walk away. It's up to you.'
I could tell that Mark was close to tears. I took his hands in mine.
"Steven, how could I have been so stupid? What am I going to do?"
"Mark, you're not stupid. You believed what Barbara told you, and you were misled. Sometimes we let our cocks do our thinking for us. Hey, it's how we're built. What Barbara did was wrong, Mark. I don't think she meant to hurt you. In her own misguided way she loves you, and out of desperation, she did a hurtful thing.
But now, a third life is involved, and you have to make some pretty tough decisions. And Mark, those decisions don't have to be made overnight. You need time to think about this. Don't act simply on emotion. Take whatever time you need to make a decision you can live with. I'm here for you Mark and will support you in whatever you decide to do."
I realized that the steaks would soon be charcoal so I asked Mark if he was ready to eat. Since the evening was warm, we ate on the porch. With the steaks we enjoyed potato salad and corn. I opened an excellent bottle of Merlot and we continued our conversation as we ate.
That evening, I learned a lot about Mark. His childhood had been marked by sorrow. Not having a father in his life had scarred him emotionally. He told me how envious he was of the other kids who had dads at home. How he wanted to have a father to go fishing or play catch with. At one time all of his friends had joined the Indian Guides. Without an adult male sponsor, he was not able to join. As a teenager, he promised himself that he would never do to his children, what his father did to Kathy and himself. More than once I saw tears in his eyes as he spoke. I knew that Mark had a very hard road ahead and I feared that he would make his decision based on his own unhappy childhood.
"I should probably marry Barbara," he said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because she is going to have this baby and I cannot bear the thought that my child will face life without a father."
"You can still be a father to your child without marrying Barbara."
"I know, but it's so difficult for the child. We felt like outcasts in our neighborhood. The other families looked at us differently. Everybody thinks that a real family should have a father and a mother.
Kathy and I always felt like black sheep. Nobody purposely tried to hurt us, but we were treated differently. Some felt sorry for us. Because we had so little money, we were rarely invited to go on the horseback riding or bowling outings. During the summer months, all the mothers would plan trips to the zoo or the beach. Mom worked two jobs, so we just stayed home. Steven, I won't let that happen to my child."
"Do you think you can create a nurturing environment for a child in a marriage without love? I've known couples that say they will, 'stick it out for the kids,' and the children are miserable. They see their parents fighting and somehow they come to believe that it's their fault. Mark, I'm not telling you what to do, but please, think this through. Don't act out of your own childhood sorrow. Both you and Barbara deserve to live your lives with a partner you love. Promise me you won't rush into a decision Mark."
"Okay, I promise."
"I don't want you to drive home tonight Mark. It's getting late. We've been drinking and you are under a lot of pressure. Stay with me tonight, please. Besides, I've missed you."
"I'll stay Stevie. I was hoping you'd insist." He flashed me that sexy grin that drove me crazy.
The evening was starting to cool off so we moved into the house and brought the bottle of wine with us. "What would you like to do Mark?" I asked.
"Just sit with you, and talk. I'm emotionally exhausted and it feels so good just being with you. Have I told you lately that I love you?"
"Yes, but feel free to tell me as often as you like. I love you too."
I asked Mark to have a seat on the couch. I put on a Van Morrison CD and went to the bathroom to get some lotion that I'd started rubbing on my feet at night. Because I'm on my feet all day, by nighttime they usually ache. The lotion that I had recently discovered was very soothing. I sat down next to him on the couch.
"Take off your sandals Mark. Put your feet in my lap and relax."
I began rubbing the lotion into his feet and I could see the tension in his handsome face drain away.
"That feels so good," he sighed.
After a short time he closed his eyes and I thought he had drifted off to sleep. I was relieved to see him relax. Mark is one of those people who always see the good in everybody. He is trusting, hopeful and the most non- judgmental person I've known. He is also very sensitive and will beat himself up if he suspects that he has hurt somebody. I knew that he was feeling responsible for the happiness of his unborn child, and for Barbara. I feared that he had many dark hours ahead and I didn't know how to help him. Tonight, at least, he would relax. I would make certain of that.
"Steven, there is something else on my mind. Can I ask you something?"
I really thought he was asleep so I was startled when he spoke my name.
"Of course."
"Why haven't we had sex? We're so much in love. Don't you think we're missing out on something special?"
Although surprised by the question, I wasn't at all uncomfortable. I thought for a moment before answering him.
"Mark, I didn't think that was something you would want to do with me. You've never indicated that sex with a man was of any interest to you. You've had many women partners but you've never spoken of men."
"I've never been with a man, but I've sure thought a lot about it," he said softly. "I guess all men, at least occasionally, must wonder what it would be like.
Stevie, I've fantasized about you for years. I'm so attracted to you physically. You have no idea how horny you make me."
I could hardly contain my excitement as he spoke. Could this really be true? The man who had, for so long, been the sole subject of my fantasy life, was telling me that he wanted to have sex with me.
"I love your face, Steven. Your deep blue eyes melt my heart. Your body is perfect. I've always hoped that one day you would share it with me. Earlier, when I rubbed your hairy chest and stomach, I was so turned on. If I hadn't been so absorbed with my own problems I would have gotten hard the moment I touched you."
He paused and I could tell he was looking for some reaction on my face.
"Am I making you uncomfortable Stevie?"
"No, not at all," I said while I continued to rub his feet.
"Mark, for many months I've had a recurring dream, but I haven't had the courage to tell you about it. I think now is the time:
We are in a small bass boat fishing the inlets and coves of June Lake. It's early morning and mists are rising above the cool water. As the sun rises higher in the eastern sky we begin to hear the voices of the many birds hiding in the cattails and reeds that line the shore. We are laughing because we know that our world is perfect. We are truly alive, living in the moment at hand. There is no worry or wanting. It's very much like the feeling I get when we smoke weed; but better, and we're not smoking. We know that in some unobservable way, God is with us.
Later, as shadows begin to creep across the lake and the air turns crisp, we row to shore. We take the beautiful, silvery trout that we've caught, to a small cabin near the lake's edge. We shower and prepare for dinner. I light the barbecue and you pour each of us a glass of whiskey. We thoroughly enjoy our meal. There is nothing better than trout, that has been caught only hours before, and grilled over smoky wood.
The whiskey gently warms us as we sit close to one another in front of a crackling fire. You whisper softly that you love me. I tell you that I want to make you happy and give you pleasure. Your eyes are ablaze with love and passion as you allow me to remove your shirt. Our bodies press close as I begin kissing your lovely face. My lips press gently against you eyelids. Your soft moans declare your pleasure as my tongue explores your ears. I love kissing you. You open your mouth to give my tongue entry. Your breath is intoxicating.
I begin moving lower. I run my fingers through the soft hair that covers your chest and bury my face in the warmth of your armpit. Your body is clean and your masculine scent is fresh and stimulating. Your moaning increases as I gently bite your right nipple. I move to your left nipple and bathe it with my tongue. Moving lower I explore your belly button as I slowly unzip your jeans. You raise your bottom off the floor allowing me space to remove your pants. The beauty of your body entrances me. I slip my hand under the waistband of your boxer shorts and run my fingers through your dense bush. Your body hair excites me.
Ever so slowly I ease your shorts down and your erect cock rises to meet my lips. You begin breathing harder as my mouth eases down your shaft while my tongue licks that sensitive area just below your glans. My suction grows stronger as your rapture increases. I hear your moans of deep pleasure and know that your ecstasy is at hand. The moment that I've waited for is here. As your balls begin to contract within their hairy sack I feel your cock expand in my mouth. You share your semen with me. I swallow every drop and my heart is filled with love.
At that point I usually awaken and my cock is so hard it hurts. I jerk off as I replay the dream over and over in my mind."
As I was telling Mark of my dream, I had moved my hands from his feet and began massaging his calves. The feel of his strong muscles and the coarseness of the hair on his legs was exciting me. I was becoming aroused and I'm sure Mark could feel my hardness as his feet pressed gently into my lap. I looked into his face and was surprised to see tears in his eyes.
"My God Stevie, would you really do that for me?" That's what I've always hoped for. I want to make love to you Steven."
"Mark, " I said tenderly. "Don't ever doubt my love for you or my desire to share myself with you. I want, more than anything else, to make love to you. I want to spend the rest of my life making love with you. Do you believe me Mark? I need to know that you believe me."
"Of course I believe you sweetheart. How could I doubt you? You would never lie to me."
"Good, because Mark, I gave you my heart that afternoon in Red Rock Canyon, when you first told me that you loved me. I knew then that you were the only person for me. With or without sex, it didn't matter. I knew I would love you until the day I die.
When you asked Barbara to move in with you and you told me, 'how hot her pussy is,' I knew that our relationship would not include sex. But I didn't care, because I knew that you loved me. Now that I know, that sex could very well be part of our life together, well, you can imagine how happy I am. But Mark, we have some pretty big issues to resolve before we take that next, glorious step. Don't you think?"
"Well, yes...I guess so. I need to figure out what I'm going to do about Barbara. But why should that stop us from making love?"
"Because it might become one more confusing emotional piece in this already complex puzzle. I think it's important that you make up your mind about Barbara and your child, without any added complications from our relationship.
Regardless of what you choose to do, we will always love each other. Knowing that, I could die now, and I'd die a happy man. But Mark, if we have sex now, I'm afraid it might ruin what we have."
"I don't understand."
"If we have sex, and then you marry Barbara, I couldn't in clear conscience continue to have sex with you. That would destroy me. Or, if you decide to stay with me because of the sex, how will you feel later as you watch your child growing up without you? You may come to resent me. That too would destroy me. Until you can make a decision that you are completely happy with, I think we should wait. Believe me Mark, I don't want to wait. But I think we should.
My dear, incredibly handsome, sweet, honest, generous and sexy friend - I love you so much. Please understand that I can't risk losing your love or respect. Without your love, the Steven that you've come to know, would cease to exist."
It broke my heart as I looked at his tormented face.
"Steven, if I'd only known that you wanted to have sex with me, I would have never asked Barbara out in the first place. I enjoy sex, I always have, but I didn't think you would do it with me.
Sex has been my security blanket. A way of reassuring myself that I'm loved. That's why I've jumped from one partner to the next. I've desperately tried to find the love that my father withheld from me. Now I've found that love, in you, but we can't bring it to consummation because I've so thoroughly fucked everything up."
With that Mark completely broke down. I had never seen him so devastated. He sat upright and broke into sobs. My heart was being ripped from my chest as I watched the man I love, falling apart. I took him into my arms and just let him cry.
After many long minutes he stopped crying. My strong handsome man looked like a scared and vulnerable little boy.
"I don't know what to do Steven."
"Of course you don't, it's too soon. You need more time to think. There is no right or easy answer. Your decision has to be what is best for you. You cannot do what is best for Barbara, your child or me. I know how hard it is Mark, but you must put yourself first. If you can do that, the rest will fall into place."
I could feel Mark starting to relax again. As he sat back I once again put his feet in my lap and started to rub his legs.
"Thank you Stevie." What you are doing feels wonderful. I want to make you feel wonderful too."
"Don't worry, you are."
We sat there for a long time just enjoying each other's presence. That remains, to this day, one of my great joys with Mark. There are never demands or expectations from the other. Our happiness comes from each other's company. We don't have to be doing anything at all. Just being together is enough.
While sitting there thinking, I realized that I was at fault, at least in part, for the dilemma Mark was facing.
"Mark, I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to tell you about my sexual feelings. Had I done so I may have spared you a lot of grief. I've been so damn scared that I might be Gay. I don't know how much Kathy told you about our sexual relationship, but I was a horrible lover. Please don't take this the wrong way, but most of the time I felt I had the wrong Williams in bed. I wanted you. I love Kathy deeply and don't regret our relationship, but it added to my sexual confusion."
"Kathy never said anything negative to me about you. She did indicate there were sexual problems. I could tell that neither of you was satisfied. But I didn't know why. Are you attracted to women at all, Steven?"
"Yes I am, but I prefer men."
"So you are probably bisexual with a preference for men. I've always thought of myself as bisexual with a preference for women. Why are you so concerned about the labels though?"
"I've always been taught the homosexuality is sinful. That it's unnatural. Until you came into my life I refused to even think about it. I dated a few girls and hoped that they would be able to teach me how to enjoy sex. It just didn't happen. Then you appear in my life, and for the first time, I understand passion. I fantasize about you during the day and I dream about you at night."
"I can't speak for anybody but myself," Mark said. "But I don't believe that sex, of any kind, is sinful. That's just another way many religions try to control their followers. Keep the flock feeling sinful and you keep the pews full, to say nothing of the collection plates. Everybody loves sex so the church has a captive audience.
Homosexuality is very natural. It occurs in nature. Many species of animals practice it. I've heard that dolphins appear to enjoy it. It may not be what's normal, but it is definitely natural."
"Mark, I'm not saying that we will never have sex. I just want to be certain that when we do, we won't have to worry about the consequences, or have any regrets. I think that's what's so significant about my dream. We are able to have sex without worry. In the meantime, we still love each other and can have a lot of fun together."
"What do you have in mind big boy?" The humor was back in Mark's eyes and he was grinning at me.
"Let's go to bed and I'll show you."
"Do you mind if I take a quick shower? If I take one tonight I won't have to get up quite as early."
"Go ahead and I'll clean up the kitchen."
Having our sexual desires out in the open was a great relief to me. No more pretending, at least with Mark. I wanted to make passionate love with him the moment he got out of shower, but I knew we should wait until he sorted through the other issues in his life. I could still make him happy though.
After cleaning the kitchen and front porch, I filled a mixing bowl with water and began heating it in the microwave. Mark had left the bathroom door unlocked so I went in and retrieved a bottle of baby oil that I kept in the medicine cabinet. Mark was unaware that I even entered. I heard the microwave buzzer sound and knew the water was hot. Bringing the bowl back to the bedroom I placed the bottle of oil in the water and placed the bowl and a towel on the night stand.
I just assumed Mark would want to sleep with me. We are both tall men but there would be plenty of room for us in my king-sized bed. I took everything off except my boxers and sat at the end of the bed waiting for him to finish in the bathroom.
I wasn't at all bashful or ashamed of the way I looked. I'd kept myself in good shape by daily exercise and frequent hiking. I'm 6'4" and weigh 195 pounds. Like Mark, my chest, belly and legs are hairy, although his hair is much darker than mine is. My cock is circumcised and is slightly over seven inches when erect.
Mark had a towel wrapped around his waist when he came out of the bathroom. When he saw me in my boxers a smile crept across his face.
"Steven, how am I going to keep my hands off of you if we sleep together?"
"I never said you have to keep your hands off of me."
I walked into the bathroom to wash up and brush my teeth. When I returned Mark was lying on the bed wearing only his underwear. He looked puzzled.
"What's up buddy, you look confused?" I said smiling.
"I am confused. What do you mean; I don't have to keep my hands off of you?"
"You can touch me if you want to. We touch each other all the time? We hold hands, we kiss, hell, at Red Rock I slept with my face nuzzled against your magnificent chest. I even licked your nipple, but you didn't know it. None of that is going to change between us, in fact, I want to do more.
All I'm trying to say is this - I think we need to give you enough time to sort through your feelings about Barbara, before we make love. For me that means an emotional commitment that is expressed through intercourse and oral sex. But Mark, there are so many other things we can share. If you are up to it, I'd like to start now."
"Of course I'm up to it, but I don't have a clue what you have in mind."
"Mark, you've been through hell this past week. I can hear it in your voice and it is written across your handsome face. I'm afraid the problem is not about to go away anytime soon. Other than being your best friend and `wannabe' lover, there is little I can do to make it go away. But what I can do, I will. I will always be available for you. I'll listen to you and I'll cry with you. I'll give you advice if you want it, and I will make you laugh. Tonight I want to help you relax. All I ask in return is that you forget about your problems. They'll be waiting for you in the morning. Will you do that for me?"
"Yes sweetheart."
I walked around to Mark's side of the bed and told him to turn over on his stomach. By then the oil had warmed nicely and I poured a small amount on his back. Slowly and sensually I began kneading the tight muscles in his neck and back. I'd never given a massage so really didn't know what I was doing. Evidently I was hitting the right spots because Mark began moaning under his breath. I'd lightly run my fingertips from the base of his neck to the waistband on his underwear. When I wanted to add pressure, I'd use the heel of my hand and press with a downward circular motion.
Mark is very ticklish so I tried to be careful. A couple of times, especially when I ran my fingernails down his sides, he'd jump and laugh. "You're making me feel so good baby," he'd softly coo.
Stress always manifests itself in Mark's neck, so I spent a lot of time working both his neck and back muscles.
Feeling his strong muscles and hearing his deep sighs had me excited. My cock was hard in no time at all. It would occasionally stick out through the front slot of my boxer shorts. Because Mark was on his stomach, he couldn't see it.
Moving to the end of the bed, I poured oil on his feet. I started with his toes. I would seductively grasp each toe and stroke it like I was jacking him off. I could tell Mark was getting really excited.
"You don't know what you're doing to me sweetheart," he sighed.
"Oh yes I do".
"I want to make you feel as good," he said sweetly.
"You are. When you turn over you'll see for yourself."
"You're hard, aren't you? I want to see you."
"No, not yet. Just relax and enjoy."
After giving each toe considerable attention, I began rubbing the bottom of his feet. Being ticklish, that was a little too much for him so I began my upward ascent on his legs.
I love his fuzzy legs. The dark hair begins at his ankles and continues to the base of his knees where it stops. It resumes just above the knee and continues upward where it disappears beneath his underwear. Mark has a desk job so I'm always surprised when I realize how strong his legs are. The muscles are taut and give the impression that he is a runner.
When I reached the top of his legs I began sliding my hands under his briefs. He began squirming and rotating his hips. I knew he was hard and was stimulating his cock against the bed. I reached under the waistband of his briefs and slowly began pulling them down. Mark raised his hips to allow me space to pull them off. I pulled them slowly down his legs and placed them on the floor at the foot of the bed.
Mark's ass is so beautiful. It's full and muscular. His cheeks, having never seen the sun, were quite pale in contrast to his tanned back and legs. There was little hair on those gorgeous cheeks but I could see more hiding in the crack between them. As I rubbed his ass I thought I heard Mark crying. If so, I knew it was out of happiness so I said nothing.
Very slowly, I ran my finger from the top to the bottom of his crack. I could feel the moist warmth as I continued along the inside of his cheeks. I paused as my finger found his small opening. Very lightly I began to rub his hole and the sensitive area around it.
"Oh my god Stevie, what are you doing? Nobody has ever touched me there. Ahhhh, that feels so incredible. How did you know to do that?"
"I don't know. I've read about it in `friction stories'. Nobody has ever touched me there either."
"I didn't know that you read that kind of stuff. So do I, but was embarrassed to tell you."
"I guess we're learning a lot about each other today. Are you enjoying this Mark?"
"So much. I love you Steve."
"I love you Mark."
I very gently inserted my finger into his opening, only slightly. Mark gasped and jumped a little.
"Sorry," I said.
"No, it's ok. You just surprised me. I wish you would stick something else up there though."
"I will baby, but not tonight."
I continued to caress his ass. Mark's sighs of contentment were gratifying to hear. I wanted, so much, to take our love to the next level, but knew better. After a few more minutes I asked him to turn over. When he did, it took all of my self-control, to refrain from taking him into my mouth.
What an incredible looking man he is. I can't say enough about his beauty. His face and body had been sculpted by God. His cock was fully erect and a small puddle of precum beginning to collect on his stomach. I was surprised at how much his cock resembled mine. About the same size and shape, although his is slightly bigger around.
My cock was still sticking straight out of my boxers and Mark was staring at it.
"You look good Stevie. I want you so badly."
"Thanks baby, but tonight it's my turn to pleasure you."
"But my greatest pleasure would be getting you off."
"We'll see."
I poured oil across his broad chest and began rubbing his nipples as I kissed his mouth. I knew that neither one of us could hold off much longer so I began massaging his chest and belly. His moans grew louder as I lightly rubbed his precum around the head of his penis. With the oil on my hand and the added lubrication from his precum I started to stroke his beautiful penis. With my left hand I cupped his large ball sack and began a very gentle massage while my right hand increased its pumping.
"Stevie, I can't stop, I'm going to cum". I heard deep sounds coming from his throat when suddenly he growled, Aaaarrrrrrr.."
Mark shot clear up to his face. Burst after burst flew from his cock and splattered across his face, chest and belly. He looked beautiful. His chest was heaving and his eyes were closed. I knew I had made him happy. Mission accomplished.
When his breathing finally slowed, he opened his eyes and smiled at me. I will never forget that look. The man that I loved more than life, said more with that smile, than anything words could convey.
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me with a passion I'd only dreamed of. His hand reached into my boxers and he gently but firmly grabbed my dick. I didn't even try to resist him.
"Stevie, I love you so much and I want to make you cum. Please, please let me take care of you."
"Okay Mark, go ahead and jerk me off. But I want to save everything else for the right time. You know what mean, don't you?"
"Yes I know what you mean and I'll respect your wishes. I don't want to though."
"Thank you my love."
Mark rubbed some of his semen from his hairy chest onto his right hand. With his left hand he gently pulled my boxers down. Slowly and sensuously he began stroking my cock. It felt so incredibly good, so much better than anything I'd ever done to myself.
He began kissing me. His tongue was half way down my throat when I exploded in his hand. I wanted to scream with pleasure, but with his mouth firmly planted on my lips, all I could do was whimper. Slowly the spasms subsided and he took his mouth from mine. We lay there for a long time, not saying anything. Nothing needed to be said. We were both a sticky mess but we didn't care. The last thing I remember seeing was his radiant grin, just before I fell asleep in his arms.
Although we didn't fall asleep until sometime after midnight, I was wide awake by 4:30 A.M. Mark was still sleeping soundly so I quietly got up and slipped into the shower. My chest hair was matted with dried semen. It took some work to get it all out.
The memories of the night before were so pleasant I was tempted to get back into bed and start all over again. But I knew Mark had to be at work early so I resisted temptation. Besides, Mark needed to make up his mind without any interference or temptation from me. Last night my intention was to help Mark relax and feel good about himself. I didn't expect the conversation, or our behavior, to become sexual. I'm very happy that it did, but wondered if I may have taken it too far.
Mark was still sleeping when I came out of the bathroom. I quietly went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. I started a pot coffee and began preparing bacon, eggs, hash-browned potatoes and toast. A few minutes later Mark walked in and greeted me with a cheerful, "good morning sweetheart."
"Good morning handsome, how did you sleep?" I asked smiling.
"I slept great. I loved having you in my arms all night."
"I love you Mark and hope you never tire of me telling you so. I've just started breakfast. You have time to shower and get ready for work."
He walked across the kitchen to where I was standing and tenderly kissed my lips. He grinned, then walked to the bathroom. Even with disheveled hair, needing a shave, and matted chest hair; he looked terrific.
While eating breakfast, we talked about the previous evening. Mark was ready to move in with me and tell Barbara to take a hike. I knew that was a decision he wasn't prepared to make - at least not at this point.
"Mark," I encouraged, "don't make any decisions yet; give yourself some time to understand the whole situation and determine what is the best course for you. Remember that I'm always here. You have a key to my house and as far as I'm concerned, this is your home too."
After considerable soul searching, he agreed to give the matter more thought, and not rush into a decision. We also agreed that we would continue to express our love physically, even if it didn't go beyond what occurred last night.
I wanted Mark as my life partner. Encouraging him to be patient, and not act out of emotion, was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
It was time for Mark to leave and neither of us wanted to say goodbye. As I watched him drive down my long driveway, I prayed for him.
I knew what Mark's decision would be. He wouldn't choose Barbara over me. But, because of his sad childhood, he would never allow his child to grow up without a dad.
My life suddenly felt empty. Knowing that I'd see him often, and that we'd talk daily on the phone, was little consolation. My small house seemed huge and sterile. I knew that my bed would be the loneliest spot in the house. I sat down on my front porch and wept.
To be continued.
Thank you for the outpouring of support. I've received many messages of encouragement and I'm sincerely thankful for each one. I'll try to answer every message as quickly as possible. Please e-mail me at: rustynail920@yahoo.com