In Skater's Time Chapter 22 Out And About
They are running two test books to make sure that the books are being printed properly. My books will be run as soon as the publisher gives approval on the test copies. For an update go to:
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We are working on the second book in a series that will present gay men in natural settings and not just in clubs and bars and baths. I'm working to develop strong gay characters that represent who we are and not merely as sexual animals in a never ending search for orgasms.
These books are geared at the general public. I hope you can give one to a friend or your family with the idea it might help if you have come out or want to come out. The books will only reach the public if you buy them and if you won't buy them, talk about them, recommend them, then who will?
It isn't about me. It certainly isn't about money. I'll never get back the hours I've committed to writing for you. It is about my search for a way to leave a better world for my people once I've left it. I've used all the tools that I've been blessed with to accomplish this. We can leave a better world behind us if we all work together to create it.
Thanks!
Chapter 22 Out and About
"I thought you were grounded?"
"I am."
"So, how did you get out?"
"My mother's shopping. My father brought me over."
"He's okay with it?"
"No, he's not okay with it. He's not sure what to do about it but he is sure that keeping me prisoner isn't going to solve anything."
"He seemed cool to me," Paul said. "What are you doing."
"Picking up your bedroom. Looks like a tornado hit it."
"Yeah, well, my brother isn't a neat freak and I'm having a bit of difficulty bending over."
"Too bad, too. I know what I'd do if I got you bent over," I said, sitting down on the bed beside him.
"Cut it out, Z. You know I can't do anything," Paul said.
"Yeah, I know you can't but do you want to?"
I reached my hand under his covers and felt him. He pushed my hand away before I got a good hold on him.
"Cut it out, Z."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm in pain. I'm on drugs. My body is a mess. What's wrong?"
"No, it isn't that. Even when we talk on the phone you sound distant. You don't want me to touch you. You're not dead. You're only hurt."
"So you're telling me your mother is the one having trouble with it?"
"Yeah. She doesn't speak to me. I've been eating in my room."
"So she being a bitch or what?"
"My mother? No, she's unhappy with her son is all and she can say some pretty pointed things when she's in this kind of mood. None of us are ready for that."
"You shouldn't have told them, you know. It's only created more trouble."
"There didn't seem to be any way out of it at the time," I said, as Paul looked at the bottom of Kenny's bunk and avoided looking at me.
"You could have told them you were meeting your heroin dealer. You could have told them that you were a male escort and the fifty year old woman who bought your services for the night wanted the entire night. You could have told them you got too close to the open window and this vortex like sucked you right out and you had amnesia and only then found your way home after a terrible ordeal."
"Yeah, right. My parents aren't stupid. I'm not lying about being on drugs. That would really give them something to worry about."
"Yeah, right, like they don't sweat AIDS and the mayhem inflicted on us by good christian straight folks."
"They don't know anything about it. They think I woke up one morning and decided how great it would be to start sucking dick or something like that. They think there is a switch that's gotten put in the wrong position and all they need to do is find it and shift it back to STRAIGHT."
"You father was nice to me," Paul said.
"Yeah, well, you had already had your ass kicked. Another ass kicking would have seemed redundant."
"Z, he wasn't that bad. He did stare at me like I might be an alien."
"You're too white to be an alien," I said.
"Space alien, not Mexican alien."
"Oh!" I said, standing up and walking across the room.
"What did you tell him about me?"
"It wasn't about you. It was about me," I said, turning back toward him as he finally looked at me.
"So what did you say on the way to the hospital. He didn't ask you anything?"
"Sure, he asked."
"What did you say?"
"I don't know Paul. I don't remember."
"What did you say?"
"Well, as I recall he asked me if I was sure. Like I'd just come up with this to hide my drug addiction or something. I think he was hoping I was a doper. At least there is treatment for that."
"There's a treatment for being gay now," Paul said, looking wistfully at his feet.
"Right! You take it or something?"
"No. I've heard of guys taking it. Finding God and all. They say it sets them straight."
"Yeah, right. Well I wouldn't take it and not just because it's about them pushing their god on all of us."
"You wouldn't be straight if you had the chance, Z? Be honest. Nobody dreams about being a fag when they grow up. People hate us."
"No! People hate their own brothers, not to mention the next door neighbors." I said way later than I needed to and feeling angry about the question. "Life is hard enough going through it being yourself. I sure as hell don't want to go through it being what someone else tells me I got to be."
"You mean to tell me if you could suddenly be normal, you wouldn't?"
"I am normal."
"You're gay."
"That's right and that's normal for me. I wouldn't want to be straight. You think straight people are happy? I don't think so. Maybe some are but most of the kids at school only have one parent and you don't have any. Their kids have got to figure it all out on their own and they sure aren't happy."
"We're not talking about me. We're talking about you."
"We're talking about being gay, Paul. I didn't ask to be gay but I won't deny what I am. All I want to do is be happy and to love someone and live my life. It's not up to anyone else."
"Yeah, me too," he said in a sigh. "So what did your father say. I've never told my father."
"What did he say. As I recall he didn't say anything. Not for most of the trip to Scripps that day he brought me over so he could meet you. I think he was expecting you to be wearing a wig and lipstick and some hideous green eye shadow. I don't think he was ready for Arnold's little brother."
"Arnold?"
"I'll be back."
"Is that what you see when you look at me?"
"I see you, Paul. I'm just trying to furnish you imagery. What he expected wasn't what he got and I didn't prepare him for it."
"So what did he expect? What did you tell him?"
"As I recall we didn't say anything. He got me up and told me he would take me to see you. It was about three. He never did go to work that day."
The car moved easily out of the neighborhood and I sat staring out the window, wishing the ride was already over, feeling the tension coming off my father. Ten minutes went past without either of us speaking and then when we stopped at a light on El Cajon Blvd., my father looked at me.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes," I said, keeping my eyes outside of the car. I didn't want to have this conversation.
"This Paul is your... boyfriend?"
"Yes!"
"How can you be so sure? I mean you're only seventeen."
"Eighteen!"
"Okay, you're going to be eighteen."
"I've known for a long time, Dad. Girls... girls are my friends. I get along fine with them but I don't feel anything when I'm around them. When I'm around guys, well, I feel something. I feel strong feelings. I want to be with them."
"I didn't ask you to tell me that. That talk isn't necessary."
"How are you going to understand if I don't explain it? It's about what attracts me. That's what we are talking about. Biological attraction."
"Z! ...Your mother isn't going to have an easy time with this. You're our only child. Your mother couldn't have any more children. We talked about adopting a sister for you one time but... well, we never did anything on that. So your mother has dreamed of you getting married and having children, maybe a little girl, and then she'd have a granddaughter to spoil. So this is particularly hard on her and I want you to be sure. Don't expect her to meet you halfway on this. Not for a while anyway. Your mother isn't one that deals well with adversity."
"Look, Dad, I don't expect anything. I am what I am. I'm going to deal with that. You'll either deal with it or you won't. I can't do that for you. You'll have to make up your mind whether you want to have me for a son or not. I'll be out of school in a few weeks and I can get gone pretty fast after that. I don't have to come back if you don't want me any more."
"Z!" My father raised his voice but he rarely raised his voice. "We don't need to go there. This is all new for us. You'll need to give me time. I never wanted anything but for you to be happy. I didn't ever think about you being.... You were always so... so... normal but no matter what, you'll always be my son and I'll always love you. This isn't about that."
"I haven't changed, Dad. It's still me in here. I love a guy and I'm sorry if that doesn't please you. You and Mom have been the best and I love both of you and I always will. I see all the kids from broken homes and I realize how lucky I've been. You both have been the best parents I could have ever asked for but I've got to be who I am and I've got to live my life. If that is going to make you unhappy then I'd just as soon move on and leave it there. Let's not even get to the part where you ask me to be something I'm not."
"Your mother is hurt. She can't accept this. You'll have to give her time."
"She has all the time she needs. I'm not making anyone make any decisions. If you need to make a decision on me than that's okay too."
"...And that's all I remember but you get the idea."
"That's when you came to the hospital with him?"
"Yeah, he wouldn't leave until he saw you. I think he wanted to demand you marry me and make an honest boy out of me or maybe just tell you he'd shoot your ass if you came near me again. I don't know what he was thinking and we haven't talked about it or you."
"He brought you over today. He seemed nice to me, Z."
"He is nice. Parents don't know how to deal with this. It's not like they get any training about what to do if your kid turns out to be a faggot."
"I never told my father," Paul said. "You told them I was your boyfriend?"
"Well, if you want to get technical, what I told them was you are my lover. Then I told them you were my boyfriend."
"Jesus Christ, Z, no wonder they're all worked up. Boyfriend would be enough for a start."
"Is it enough for you? Boyfriend? That what you want? Have a few boyfriends hanging around the house?"
Paul stared at me now and that wasn't any more comfortable than when he didn't look at me. I wasn't sure what he was thinking. Whatever it was, I could see it ran deep. I was afraid that he'd reconsidered my part in the beating he took and might not want to go out with me any longer."
"I'm scared, Z," he said, looking back at the bottom of the top bunk.
"Scared? Scared of what? You aren't scared of anything!"
"I don't want to go out. I don't want people to see me. I'm afraid they'll kill me the next time. I'm scared of being hurt like that again. The pain was pretty bad, you know. I'm just scared."
"I'm sorry, Paul. I'm sorry for what I did. It's all my fault."
He looked at me with disbelief on his face.
"Your fault? You didn't kick my ass. Some homophobic jerk kicked my ass. You didn't have anything to do with it, Z. You think I wasn't half of that kiss. I knew exactly what we were doing and where we were doing it and I was man enough then not to give a shit what anyone thought as long as I was standing up for myself. I balked up because I was scared. I wanted to be so strong no one would fuck with me. Ever! I thought I had."
"I thought I kissed you," I said.
"We kissed each other because it was right. It was the right place at the right time. We love each other. Why shouldn't we be able to kiss when we fucking feel like it? It's a free country and we have the right to do that."
"We should but they didn't kick my ass for it."
"It's not worth this. It's not worth all this pain. I've spent years working on my body so I could stand up to anyone who wanted to make an issue of what I was and now look at me," he said, yanking off the blanket that covered the bandages that were wrapped around his waist. "It wasn't worth it. I'm sorry I did it. They own the turf. We just get to use it as long as we don't do anything they object to."
"We didn't know," I said, feeling queasy.
"I knew. I'd seen gay kids get the shit beat out of them for no reason. Matthew Shepard! I knew what they did to him, not because he kissed anyone but because he existed and breathed their air. I knew and I thought I could get strong enough that they couldn't hurt me. I was wrong. It doesn't matter how strong you get. They just wait for you to turn your back."
"That's right. They had to wait for you to turn your back. They had to hit you from behind because they were chicken shit."
"It doesn't matter how they did it. They can't tolerate us and nothing we do will ever change that. They need to believe they are better than we are and they'll kill us to prove it. I didn't understand that until now. They can get away with it because it's part of their culture and we live in their culture, and in their culture it's okay to kill or hurt faggots."
"They're assholes," I said.
"Yeah, that too, but it doesn't change what is. Gay kids are afraid to go to school because the guys that did this to me are waiting to do it to them. It only takes one word, a wrong look, or just some mean son-of-a-bitch wanting to hurt someone, knowing no one will do anything if he hurts a gay kid. They can't stand it when we come out and they'll do anything to stop us, and I just figured that out. I thought I could beat them but I can't. There are too many of them."
"It's not like that. Things are changing. We have friends. People care, Paul."
"Yeah, like your parents are dying to accept you for what you are? If our parents can't accept it, why should anyone else?"
"They're doing the best they can, Paul. They thought I would grow up and get married and have kids like everyone else. For my entire life they've thought that. It might take them a few days to get use to this. It's taken me time to get use to it."
"You're not afraid?"
"Not as long as I have you. You make it worth any risk. Kissing you at the mall was one of the absolute high points of my life. If I never get another kiss as long as I live, that'll be the one I remember forever and ever. I didn't care who saw. In fact I wanted people to see how much I loved you. How much you loved me. I wanted the world to know and that includes my parents, and now they do know, and I'm sorry this happened to you but it doesn't change anything. Maybe it proves just how much I love you. No matter the dangers, no matter what they do to me, that won't change."
"I knew when I met you. It was written all over you. I saw it then and it's more obvious to me now."
"What?"
"You're way braver than me. The way you went with Dart because you wanted to and you didn't care what people thought. I wanted to be with you like that but I was sure you'd never go for a dope like me."
"If you weren't so busy hiding yourself I might have seen it right off but I'm not brave. I'm scared. I'm plenty scared but I'm more scared of being lonely for the rest of my life if I don't make sure it doesn't happen. If I hide and run from the truth, I'll not only be lonely, I'll end up alone, and I'd rather do anything than that."
"Come over here," Paul ordered as I stood in the doorway. "Sit here and we'll see if I can't give you something else to remember."
"What?" I said, moving toward his bed and reluctantly sitting on it.
He grabbed the back of my head and pulled my face down to his. His tongue met mine and they danced and wiggled and loved each other in a way that lit my fire big time in about a third of a second.
I carefully slipped my arms around his upper back while I let his tongue do its magic on me. It was like there was no bed, no room, no impaired body; there was this incredible lightness and I floated on the love in his bed not able to get in touch with reality for a long long time.
Being suspended on Paul's lips was about the best place to be for me.
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