In Skater's Time
Chapter 12 Streets Of El Cajon
I spent time doing my homework later that evening and then I watched from my window, thinking Gordo might come, but like the other nights I hoped he would show up, I was disappointed. I chatted on-line with a guy that wanted to talk about skating and then I just surfed for something to cut into the boredom but there wasn't anything of interest and I showered and went to bed early.
I thought about Paul and our strange encounter. I didn't like him knowing what he knew. Right now he wanted something and butter wasn't going to melt in his mouth, as my mother would say. My worry was he'd get what he wanted and then run his mouth or he wouldn't and run his mouth. I had been stupid because I let the urges created by my little head override the brain in my big head. I didn't know why I was so eager to be with someone, to feel their bodies, and have them touch me or interact with me even if it was only while they were getting what they wanted.
I knew what Dart was but my heart still skipped a beat every time I saw him and he never said he was anything but what he was. I created the situation because I couldn't do without what I had found to be so enticing and exciting. The intensity was like nothing I had ever experienced but it wasn't simply that, it was so much more powerful than anything I had ever experienced until then, nothing compared to being with Dart or Gordo.
It was my drug of choice and I was so high when I consumed it that I didn't care if someone saw me or beat the hell out of me for indulging myself. I suppose there were laws that would lock me up for feeling as addicted to those two as I was. All the other drugs were illegal and they seemed to have the exact same impact on the user. My drug simply came inside of a container that you weren't supposed to covet, not that it ever stopped anyone yet.
I didn't brush my teeth and I slept nude so my body could rub against the cool clean sheets and I dreamed about Dart and his torpedo. I could smell him and taste him and feel him reacting to me while I relived our encounter. I woke myself up so I could jack off two different times when I reached the height of excitement that came from doing him but even after shooting two loads, I still dreamed about him.
Then I dreamed about Paul, and how he forced himself down in his shorts until I had a birds eye view of his one eyed trouser snake. I didn't wake up this time but the dream dampened my sheets, but even more disturbing, the dream ended up with me going where I hadn't dare go out in front of Stop & Go. This disgusted me because I hadn't done that to him yet and why would I be dreaming about doing it if I didn't want to do it? I tried to push it out of my mind as I got ready for school
There was something very strange between Paul and me. He'd caught me doing something I wouldn't want anyone knowing I would do, not even the guy I was doing it to if it wasn't absolutely necessary to get his approval on the deal before hand. Somehow the fact that he did know made me hot. There was some thrill involved with him knowing the secret. I wasn't sure I wanted to do it to him but I didn't mind he knew about me. There was something about the way it made him act that I enjoyed. It all seemed to be tied together in some confusing way.
I did meet him on Saturday once my chores were done. I felt kind of fuzzy inside when I saw him skating toward me. There was this big smile when he got about fifty feet away. He was dressed almost the same as the last time I saw him with that big baggy shirt hanging down, hiding everything but his big arms.
His hair was every bit as outrageous as ever.
"Hey."
"Hey yourself," I said.
"How are things?"
"It's been nice weather," I said.
"A little hot," he said.
"The weather?" I asked.
"What I did wasn't cool," he said, sounding like it wasn't. "I'm sorry I did it. I wanted to say that right off."
Okay, we were getting to it. He was admitting he shouldn't have followed us, and now if he just says he won't say anything about what he saw me doing, I'd feel a lot better about Paul.
"Shit happens," I said.
"Yeah, but there are certain things that are serious shit you don't let get around," he said.
Oh fuck, not so fast, here it comes, I thought. Now just what have I got to do to keep it from getting around? I didn't think he was like that but I guess everyone is like that if they want something bad enough. I'd thought about getting with Paul quite a bit after I dreamed about him and it wouldn't be the worst experience I ever had. He had a certain appeal but I wasn't sure what it was. I just didn't want to end up in another relationship like Gordo and Dart. My jaws were going to wear out before I got out of high school.
"Well I don't say nothing about nothing," I said, taking the only neutral ground I could find at the moment and hoping it was good enough for him.
Paul wasn't as big as I remembered but I was mostly sitting down and looking up at him. Beside me he didn't seem all that much bigger than I was. He had broad shoulders and all that freaking curly hair that made him look way tall.
It did make him look way different from most guys. He had light skin with freckles that didn't really look like freckles unless you looked close because they were so light you didn't see them unless you looked for them. He had big arms and thick legs but in that way baggy shirt, he just looked way big to me, but standing beside him, he didn't look so big now. I suppose parts of him were big but on the whole he wasn't all that big when you stacked it together, if you know what I mean.
"I was way over the top in front of you guys. It's just that I've really been strange lately. It's like all I think about. Then I go do something stupid like that in front of you two," he said, sounding so remorseful it wasn't funny. "Then I make it worse by spying on you. I feel bad about it and then I'm popping a bone and trying to get you to look at it."
"Why do I feel like I'm coming into the middle of a movie? Didn't we already have this conversation."
"It's not you it's me, Z. I'm always like this when I like someone. I can't help it. I know you're going to think I'm a dork but I guess I'm stuck with being what I am."
"Maybe if you didn't keep telling someone you like them, they might like you in spite of all the other stuff. I was starting to like you but you keep talking and the more you talk the more I wonder if I like you or not. It never occurred to me that you were a dork until you mentioned it. I think you need to improve your advertising."
"See. It always happens. No matter how hard I try. Maybe people just don't like me."
"You're weird."
"I know."
"You're not weird. You act weird."
"I know."
"Quit agreeing with me. You don't act weird. I just don't know what to make of you. I don't know what to say to you."
"Okay. Me either."
"There are other ways to like guys. It's not just about your dick."
"I know that. After I saw you with Dart I figured if that's what you like then I'd be more than willing to go along with it. I know it sounds stupid but that's the way my mind works. I'm not Dart. Everyone wants Dart. I don't have that problem."
"I can believe that."
"I'm going to give you my phone number. It's just if you need to talk to someone that understands how it is being gay. I never had anyone to talk to about it. It's better if you don't keep it all inside. I tried that and it hurts too much. Any time, nighttime, daytime, any time. I have a phone in my room. No one else will answer."
"That's cool," I said, thinking it was nice of him. "I don't really have anyone to talk to about my feelings. I don't know anyone here."
"You do now. It doesn't have anything to do with anything else. I'd just feel better knowing you'll call if anything's bothering you, or anyone."
"That's totally cool, Paul. You seem like a nice guy."
"I am but it takes time for me to get over being nervous."
"I don't bite."
"I know. It's me not you."
"Quite saying that."
"Okay."
"And quit agreeing with everything I say."
"Okay. You want to cruise for awhile?"
"Yeah."
"You hungry?"
"Always."
"Cool. I'll show you some of the place where I hang."
"What's wrong with your hair?" I asked, when we stopped at a light.
"My hair? What's that mean?"
"Did you ever think of combing it to see how that looks?" I asked.
"You'll like me if I comb my hair?" He asked, sounding like he wasn't sure I was serious.
"No, I like you fine. It just seems like you go out of your way to seem unattractive. Have you ever thought that's why people don't flock to you?"
"I am who I am. I might be a basket case around people I like but that doesn't mean I'm not capable of deciding what's best for me. I don't happen to think looks are the main thing. If you got 'em it's great for you but if you don't, well, spending all your time trying to look like someone you aren't and never can be is a gigantic waste of time if you ask me if you only attract people who only like you if you look a certain way."
"I'm impressed."
"You are!" He said as we skated across the street.
"You stood up for yourself but your hair is still a disaster. You ever thought of getting it cut."
"No. You'll be my friend if I get it cut? I don't need a friend that bad, not even one that looks like you."
"You're strange."
"You won't be my friend even if I get it cut?"
"Whatever we're going to be has nothing to do with your hair. It was just a question."
"So, if I don't get it cut and someone decides they like me anyway, that must mean they like me and not what I look like or sound like, huh?"
"You should comb your hair," I said. "It's just an opinion that I happen to have. Why drive people away before they have time to find out what's on the inside."
"Yeah, well, maybe I will one day, since you put it that way. You want to go skating tomorrow if you don't have anything with Dart?"
"No, nothing with Dart. He doesn't want anything regular," I said.
"You do?"
"I do what?" I asked.
"Want something regular?" He asked.
"No, I don't know. I'm just figuring it all out. I don't know that much," I said. "I never knew any of this stuff went on until I moved here. Phoenix is like in the dark ages when it comes to guys fooling around with each other. Everything I thought I knew was wrong."
"You should know enough to be careful around those guys, Z. They find out what you like and they'll make it hard on you," he said. "Don't make it hard on yourself."
"Like you staring at Dart's dick, you mean?" I said, not thinking too much about my words.
"Not like you didn't do a lot more than stare at it," Paul said directly to me.
"Not that it's any of your business what I do with it."
"You're right. When you're right your right. I got a big mouth. I was just jealous."
"Of which one of us?"
He skated ahead of me for a minute and then let me catch him. He smiled and put his hand on my waist. I liked the feel and his smile. It gave me a chill and then I was warm all over. I think I was blushing but I didn't tell him not to do it.
"I started off being jealous of you but now I'm jealous of Dart."
"Dart doesn't care anything about me," I said before laughing.
"Yeah, but you care for him. You see what I mean. I would give my left nut to have a guy like me that much. He just says hey, my dicks hard. You mind giving me a little suck job and you go off with him."
"He never said that. Cut it out."
"What did he say?"
"Let's go off in the woods and I'll give you what you want."
"Excuse me. I wasn't even close, huh? Never mind. I keep putting my foot my mouth. What you do with Dart is your business and I'll try to stop thinking I wish it were me and not him."
"Well thank you, Paul."
"You're going to like me. Sooner or later I'm going to grow on you. You wait and see. We're birds of a feather."
"You try too hard.
"I know."
"You're doing okay."
"I am?"
"A lot better than you were. I don't even see the hair any more."
"Oh great! Back to my hair. Maybe I'll shave my head. We got some skinheads up school. I can join them."
"They hate queers."
"I don't want to sleep with them. I said I'd join them."
"You don't think they'll know?"
"You think they would?" He said, trying to look at himself.
"No! You look like a stud. I wouldn't know."
"I spent a lot of time not knowing myself. I tried to deny it for as long as I could but girls don't appeal to me. I dated some and felt like I was betraying them. They're spending time with me thinking I'm husband material and I'm going to be the answer to their dreams and all, and I'm not into girls."
"You always know."
"Mostly always. Like I said, I tried for a long time to convince myself I wasn't, even when I knew I was. It's just easier not being that way."
"There was no reason to admit it back home. No one is like that back home."
"Yeah, right. Give me a break. We're everywhere, Z. Even in Phoenix."
"Well, I heard rumors about places and people but nothing I could pin down."
"I live near the theaters between Main and Broadway, right down there," he said, pointing south.
"It still El Cajon?"
"Yeah, it's only a mile from where you live."
"Oh, yeah. That close?"
"I won't turn up uninvited."
"I didn't say anything."
"I know how you think. You want burgers or burritos?"
"Either is fine. You're taking me so you get to choose."
"Burgers. We'll go over to second and down to McDonalds. I'm in the mood for a big cheeseburger."
"Burger King has more junk on the burgers," I said.
"Cool. There's one of those to. I like them broiled. That's a good idea. There fries aren't as good."
We ate and he kept staring at me. He rubbed his knee against my knee and kept smiling. I didn't protest. It was kind of neat. I'd never had anyone mess around with me in public. Not that we did anything but look at each other, but I knew if people knew we liked each other, well, it wouldn't go over that well.
After we left he said we could hang out for another hour but he had a paper to do and he had to do it while his brother was out so he could use the computer without any interruptions. He said his brother had to check his email every ten minutes when he was home. I had homework too and I could do it and meet him the next morning. We decided on the front of the theaters which was a little closer to his house than it was to my house but there wasn't anything close to my house once you passed the high school until you got to the theaters.
I got out his number after dinner and went up to my room and called him. True to his word he picked up on the second ring.
"Paul here."
"Z here."
"Hi!" He said and I knew he was smiling that nice smile of his.
"What's up."
"I got a paper on the Russian Revolution to write by Monday."
"Am I bothering you?" I asked.
"You bet. You've been bothering me since I first saw you."
"Cut it out."
"Okay."
"You're agreeing with me again."
"'Cause you're always right."
"I wish. I'll give you my phone number if you want it."
"You'll trust me with your phone number. I won't use it except when necessary."
"Why give it to you if you don't plan to use it?"
"Well, I didn't figure you'd want me calling you all the time."
"Not all the time but if you want to talk."
"You mean you don't mind me calling just to talk?"
"No. That's why I'm giving you my number. I'm not going to call you all the time."
"Cool."
"How's the paper coming?"
"Oh, it's moving along slow. I have a few more hours."
"We still meeting in the morning?"
"Unless you say no. I'll get ahead of this tonight."
"Cool. See you at nine."
I met Paul the next morning. We skated on Broadway and he took me into a few shops where he bought stuff. He took me by his house so I knew where he lived but we didn't go in. We spent almost the entire day together. We ended up in a park near the high school. It was about an equal distance between his house on one side of the school and mine on the other. It was a hot day but the trees furnished a lot of shade and it was pretty nice. We chased each other around the sidewalks after we'd gotten over lying in the shade.
Paul was cool. He was a lot smarter than I thought. He played soccer, wrestled, and he ran track. He liked talking about himself and he seemed more confident. It was a nice day and he was a nice guy. He kept making me laugh and I hadn't laughed much since leaving Phoenix.
The next day we met at the park after I got out of school. We started off by chasing each other around, and we worked out on some of the equipment. He showed me some exercises. We went over to the mall and just hung out. We got something to eat and headed back to the park. When we lay up under the trees to get out of the sun, he put his head in my lap. He didn't ask and I didn't object. He had to know my condition but I couldn't miss his. We didn't talk about it, which I liked. I didn't want that to be what this was about and it wasn't.
"You're neat," he said with no warning.
"So are you," I said.
"I'm afraid to ask you to meet me tomorrow," he said. "I want to meet you tomorrow. I want to meet you every day. I understand if you say no."
"Why's that?" I asked.
"You'll think I have a thing for you if I keep asking you out," he said.
"You do," I said.
"How can you be so sure?" He asked, rolling onto his stomach so he could staring up into my eyes and rest his chin on my thigh.
"The evidence is showing," I said.
"You think because you make my dick hard that means I like you?"
"Yes."
"Does that mean you like me?" He asked, not looking at the bulge where his head had been and then he rolled back onto his back and rested his head back in my lap.
"I guess you could say that," I said, resting one hand across what was a tight hard chest and I felt it through his shirt.
"You know you're too young for me," he said.
"What's a year?" I said.
"I gave up younger guys. They're a pain. I used to like young guys once. It was easier. I'm horny all the time and so are they," he said, confessing his sins.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Things," he said.
"What kind of things?" I asked.
"I met some older guys. I liked them."
"How old?" I asked.
"At first a couple of college guys from SDSU."
"At first?" I said.
"I told you I was horny all the time. Not when I'm around them," he said.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"They're horny all the time. They have places to take you when they're horny. You can have sex all day if you want," he said.
"Did you want?"
"Some days I wanted. There were a few weekends I wanted. It was new then."
"Were you safe all the time?"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"I thought they'd think I was a kid if I made a fuss. I'm clean. I was lucky. I only play safe now."
"I got to go home to dinner."
"I know," he lamented. "Can you come back. I'll wait."
"Not tonight. I got homework, chores."
"Tomorrow?"
"What time?"
"I got classes until three. Three thirty?"
"Right here?"
"Sure," he said, rolling onto his stomach to watch me skate up the sidewalk and across the parking lot. I waved when I got to the street and he waved back.
I kind of hated leaving him. I was already late and that wasn't going to go over real well but I finally had someone that wanted to spend time with me. I didn't feel about him the way I felt about Dart and Gordo but he was cool. It was a lot better than being alone.
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