This story contains involves the relationship of two teenage boys, if you find this offensive or it's illegal for you to be reading this, don't! All the usual rules apply. This story is copyrighted by Mistak3n. Comments are welcome at: mistak3n@hotmail.com I just want to say thanks to those of you who wrote me. This is my first attempt at a story like this and its nice to hear such positive feedback! _________________________
After Nick and I had talked a little longer, I had to get home for dinner. I tried to be cheerful and happy but it was extra hard. Having to face my loneliness was like aiming this huge spotlight at it and forcing me feel the pain and emptiness. I was convinced I wouldn't find anyone. How could I when I couldn't tell anyone I was gay? Man, life is so messed.
Dinner at my house was usually pretty quiet. I have two brothers, Josh and Darien. We're really close and hardly ever fight. I guess we're not very typical.
I poked around at the spaghetti my mom had made for us. The more I looked at it, the less hungry I got. The women means well but someone should seriously ban her from all cooking appliances.
"How was school?" Dad asked half-heartedly. It's one of those questions parents are supposed to ask kids. I often wondered if he really cared.
"I hit a homerun in baseball." Darien said proudly.
"I didn't." Josh replied. I laughed quietly. I really liked Josh. I could relate more to him than to Darien.
"Me either." I said.
"Smart asses!" Darien snickered.
"Enough, please." Mom said, but she was smiling. Living in a house with three teenage boys you get used to this kind of conversation I guess.
"Good for you Darien. Going to be a good season." Dad smiled.
I don't think he's ever smiled over something I've done. Hmm. I looked at Darien who was sitting across from me. Maybe I should take up baseball too.
Nah!!
His blonde hair was a mess hanging in his eyes. His face was tanned from all the baseball he played outside. He was a 15, a year younger than me, but he looked older. Actually we all looked to be about the same age.
He caught me staring at him and made a face, sticking out his tongue which still had chewed up spaghetti on it. Gross. I scrunchled my face up in disgust. He laughed and went back to eating. Josh looked at us like we were insane.
After dinner, Darien went to a friends and Josh and I went up to the room we shared. We decided to play some Tony Hawke on Playstation.
"I'm thinking of taking up baseball." I said jokingly after we had played in silence for a good hour.
Josh laughed. "Right. I can't picture that at all. Stick to skateboardin bro."
"Doesn't it bother you that dad never looks at us like that? I mean like all proud and shit."
"I dunno." He shrugged. "I don't think about it."
"So shouldn't he? Shouldn't he care when we land a really hard trick as much as when Darien hits a homerun?"
"What's with you? You never cared before."
"I just never said anything before."
"Well calm down, he loves us all the same." Josh said. He turned his attention back to the game.
Yeah. He loves us all the same. He wouldn't if he knew I was gay! I wondered if I'd be disowned. I'd be forced to live in the streets alone and cold and frightened. Then I'd really never find anyone. God.
"Alex?"
"What?"
"You zoned again."
"Oh, sorry."
He gave me a weird look before turning off the game.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I don't feel like it anymore."
I sighed loudly and tossed the controller onto the floor. "Wanna go board?"
"Nah."
"Wanna go smoke weed?"
"Nah."
Well, this was new. Usually Josh was the one making all the suggestions and dragging me places. I wondered what was up.
"Um, what do you wanna do then?" I asked slowly.
He looked at me and held eye contact for a while before saying, "I don't know."
Okay. This was definitely weird.
I sat down on my bed facing him on his. "So..." I was getting uncomfortable. I'm never uncomfortable around him.
"Sorry. I don't know. Let's go board." He got up quickly.
I followed him out of our room and downstairs. We grabbed our boards and left the house for the park. He was really quiet the entire way. We tried out some tricks on the half pipe. I loved skating with him. It was never about competition. We just encouraged each other and shared tips on how to land tricks just right.
After a while Josh just sat at the top and watched me attempt moves. Finally, I stopped and sat with him.
I couldn't take this anymore. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." He was staring up at the stars.
"Fuck that."
He looked at me. "I can't tell you everything you know."
"Why not?"
He smiled slightly. "I wish I could Alex."
"You can."
"Do you tell me everything?"
Oh. I see where this is going. "No."
"Same for me." He returned his attention to the stars.
Fuck. This was going to bug me now. What was wrong with Josh? I bet this was how Nick felt when I was being so irritating earlier. The thought that my brother had the same secrets as mine about being gay ran though my head. I tried not to laugh out loud.
"Okay look this is really fucking annoying. Just tell me already!" I yelled.
"If you can land the 180 perfectly, I'll tell you."
Oh great. The one trick I can't land perfect. For some reason I just can't get my body to spin. I really don't know how guys can do it so easily. How convenient for him. But being the determined person I am, I accepted the challenge.
I dropped down into the bowl and gained speed and air. Then I went for it and was spinning! I did it! I was going to land it! I rock so hard! Then I came crashing down on my hands and knees. Sigh. Hey, I never said I was good at skateboarding. I could hear Josh laughing. He slid down the ramp and sat beside me.
"Nice effort." He patted me on the back.
"Ah fuck off." I smiled at him. He returned it.
"Maybe I'll tell you just because you tried so hard to land that."
"Yes!"
"Alex if you tell anyone this I'll fucking kick your ass. I mean it."
"I won't." Geeze. This was going to be good.
"I kissed someone today." He glanced nervously at his hands.
That's it? He kissed someone? So what? He kissed girls all the time. I had to bear witness when they came over. It was truly disgusting.
"So? You do that all the time."
"Um yeah I kiss girls all the time."
Why do I feel like we're talking in circles here? "Yeah, so..?"
"I mean Adam." He wasn't looking at me.
Adam? His best friend Adam? Oh my God. Was he saying he's gay? He was holding the same secret as me? Oh my God! This can't be real!
"Alex, don't tell okay?"
I came out of my thoughts to answer him. "What? Oh no, no I won't tell anyone. Don't worry." I wanted to ask him so much I didn't know where to begin.
"Do you hate me?" He asked. He still hadn't looked at me.
"Are you gay?" I had to know. I just had to hear him say it.
He took a deep breath. "Yeah maybe. Do you hate me?"
"No! God, Josh. I really don't man." I almost burst out laughing at the irony.
My brother and I came out on the same day. How cool! Only I hadn't told him about me. It was weird but I wasn't sure I wanted to. After my conversation with Nick earlier I was pretty much talked out on topics involving myself.
"I thought you'd fucking punch me or something." He said.
"Nah, it's cool. Did you like it? Did he?"
Josh finally looked at me and smiled. "Yeah I did and I think he did too."
"Is he gay?"
"I don't know, I don't think so."
"How did it happen?"
He laughed at how many questions I was asking. "I've liked him like that for a long time and I just couldn't take it anymore so at lunch today when we were at his place I just went for it."
"Holy fuck! I can't believe you did that!" I tried to picture Josh being assertive. It was just too hard.
"Me either. But I'm glad I did."
"Why don't you think he's gay too?"
"Because he's had so many girlfriends."
"So have you." I pointed out.
"Yeah but I didn't like fooling around with them, and I know that he does. Maybe he's bi."
I let this information sink in. Wow. My brother was gay! I was so proud of him for just telling me like that. I don't know if I can do the same. Weird, considering I know he wouldn't have a problem with it. I wondered if Darien would.
"Did you tell Darien?" I asked.
"No! Don't tell him!" Josh looked shocked.
I laughed. "Why not?"
"Because you're the only person who knows besides Adam and myself. I don't know if he would be as cool with it as you are."
I instantly felt closer to Josh. I asked him a few more questions about Adam before we realized how late it must have been. We headed home.
Dad was waiting at the door for us. Oh shit.
"Do you have any idea what time it is!?" He yelled as soon as we hit our driveway. Great dad just wake up the entire neighbourhood.
Josh glanced at me. "We lost track of time."
"Get in the house and up to your room. We`ll talk about this in the morning."
We obeyed quickly. God my dad can be such an asshole sometimes.
I could hardly sleep that night, thinking about Josh and how he was gay. I thought about just waking him up and going, `Me too!!' but for some reason I didn't think that would be such a good idea. I felt bad considering Josh is one of my best friends and he was able to tell me something so personal about himself and I couldn't return it. What's with me? By the time I finally was able to shut off my thoughts the alarm was going off. Argh!
Nick and I were back to our usual selves at school. The secret I held locked securely in his mind too somehow made me feel better. Just knowing someone else knew, and were cool with it made me feel great about myself.
It was boring. School's always boring though, nothing ever happens. Lunch is the only break in the mundane routine. I was sitting with Nick, Jared and Ethan decided to go get burgers out side of school.
"We can find you a guy." Nick said smiling at me.
I tried to hold in my laughter but failed. "Right! Cause it's just that easy!"
"Come on Alex we have to at least try, right?"
"I guess so," I said reluctantly. I caught a glimpse of that Jeremy kid coming into the cafe. He looked over at me and smiled. Wow, and what a smile that was. His hair was still a mess and his clothes looked like he pulled them off the floor and onto himself. Perfect! Is this possible for someone to look like this guy did. My God!
"He ran into you yesterday." Nick said loudly. I turned to him.
"Hmm?"
"Jeremy Lawton, the guy your staring at." He laughed.
"Shut up! I am not!"
"Dude, you so are and it's cool. He's new, he needs friends outside of those art kids why don't you go ask him over to yours or something."
"Oh my God. Can I do that? I can't do that. It'd be like...like... Okay I don't what it'd be like but fuck! I can't! He'll say no and I'll be rejected and depressed and he won't want to anyways. It's a big set up to this huge disappointment and-"
"And he's coming over." Nick interrupted.
I spun around to see Jeremy walking towards us. What do I do? Should I run?
"Hi um, I'm Jeremy. Do you remember me from yesterday?"
Remember you? Of course I remember you! How could I forget those eyes? That hair. That smile. "Uh, yeah I think so." Yep. I'm real cool.
"I'm Nick, this is Alex. We were just talking about y-"
"About...nothing. Nothing." I glared at Nick. Well at least I was showing off my intelligence to Jeremy. He stood there looking at us. I stared at his perfection. Oh wait, someone should talk.
"Do you board?" Nick asked.
"Yeah, but I don't of any places to go around here. Haven't had time to check it all out." Jeremy looked at me. Nick smiled at me. I stared at the tray of food in front of me. I felt Nick kick me under the table.
"Oh um. I can... I mean we can show you places to skate. If you want?" God I sound like an idiot.
Jeremy`s smile widened. "That'd be great. Do you want my number?"
Want it? Do I want it? Do I WANT IT! Hell yes, I want it! I want everything you have! I want to jump on you right here and now! I'll show you how much I want it!
I smiled back at him shyly. "Sure." Sigh.
As always, comments, suggestions welcome at mistak3n@hotmail.com :)