Chapter 9 -- Mindfuck
It was dusk as the bus picked us up. "We're going to have to come back," Mason said after we sat down. "A lot of other brand outlets to hit, especially now that you have a way to like how shirts look on you."
"Hit them with the photos, too. You were on fire with the register shots."
"We're going to be busy with all the printing and projecting and reshooting all the bits I got today. I also got a lot of people pics that we can go through and command to let us shoot their money. They're all going to have different bills in smaller amounts. Every little bit is going to add up."
"Mom's off for two days, so we'll have to wait till Wednesday. How are you with a time jump?"
"Not much of a choice. Just make sure you take me out at night so I can get some sleep, too."
"I'll probably have you sleep in this body tonight, then," I told him. "Your main one should still be better rested. I'm curious though. What if the mental and physical you are out of sync. Like if you spend all day in one body, then switch at night. Would you still be tired, or refreshed?"
"Now I'm curious, too. We could take a picture of me just after I wake up, then switch me out at night into the morning's body, and see which one wins." I loved that he was as willing to experiment as I was.
After the bus transfer downtown, we sat in the back of the bus home. "Those girls up front are checking you out," I told Mason.
"Hate to tell you this, but you're the one they like. I saw them at the station, and they were ignoring me completely. If I were you, I'd stop making eye contact with them, or they'll think you're flirting back."
Girls flirting with me? What the actual fuck? Did Casey have this problem, and what did he do about it? I'd have to ask him in Bio on Monday. That thought blasted me with another revelation. I would never have considered casually talking to Casey before, and now I considered him a regular person; not elite and unapproachable. I brought that up to Mason.
"I know, right," Mason said. "I feel comfortable around them now, too. I wish I could pass that on to the original me."
"So you're cool with Lyssa now?"
"Way cool. But I think it's the combo of knowing myself and accepting it, and knowing how she really feels about what happened, neither of which original me has. If I could talk to her in my regular body, I'd wipe the slate clean in a heartbeat. Too bad that would shatter all the secret identity stuff when original me talked to her again. He'd be so confused." Mason sighed. "I'm going to have to let them interact naturally, even though I know I could smooth things over so easily."
"Curse you, secret identity!" I exclaimed in a dramatic voice, maybe a little too loud, as the ten or so people on the bus all turned their heads to look at us. "Sorry!" I called out to them as Mason laughed at me.
We got off at the stop at the entrance to our complex, and hiked our way back to my building. I glanced up at the windows to my apartment to see the lights were on. "Damn," I swore softly.
"What's up?"
"Mom's home earlier than I thought she'd be. I was really hoping to get settled before facing her with all this," I said, gesturing at myself.
"It had to happen sooner or later," Mason said. "You got this, though. You know the cover story, and you can take a picture of me out here. I can wait outside until you get in and delete this version remotely. Let's get the money, cameras, and makeup into the bag under your clothes so you can get all that inside past her."
"Put the makeup on top, since that can be part of the makeover reward. I need to have an excuse to have more on hand."
"Smart," he said. "Take the shot of me here and go in." I did, and braced myself to face Mom on my own.
I didn't have to wait long. When I entered the building, I heard voices coming from the hallways above me, one of which was Mom's. I didn't hear the words, but the tone was cheerful and there were bits of laughter. Good. Happy Mom would be much easier to get this past.
I stopped on the landing around the corner and out of view, taking a deep breath to ready myself. "Mom," I called out. The chatter stopped. "Stay where you are and don't look. Don't freak out when you see me, okay?"
"What happened? Did someone beat you up or throw you in the mud or something?" she called back. That's the first place her mind went?
"Something good, actually. I won a free makeover at the mall. Are you ready to see?"
I could almost hear the `squee' in her voice. "Oh my God, get up here! Yes I want to see!" I turned the corner so I could be visible to the third floor landing, and she was standing right there. Her intake of air was loud. "Wow! You look damn good, Zac!"
Oh thank fuck. I couldn't stop my smile, and I could feel the heat of a blush rise to my face. Could that even be seen under the makeup? "You like it?"
"You're so handsome! Come on up so the others can see. What's in the bag?"
As I started climbing the last half-flight of stairs, I answered. "The clothes I left in, and the rest of the makeup they used to cover up the zits."
"Oh wow, I didn't even notice the makeup. They did a great job!"
I reached the landing, and saw that Peggy and Isaac were both outside our apartment, along with a kid that was probably in elementary school. That must have been her son Josh. Oh yeah, she'd asked about me watching Josh.
My blood ran cold as I put the pieces together. Isaac had been with Josh all day, taking care of him. I suddenly felt queasy. Why did I feel sick? Hadn't I said to Mason that I was confident Isaac had only done that with me? Hadn't I been positive I was the only kid he was ever going to do that to? Seeing him with his hand on Josh's shoulder, as he used to do with me, I wanted to punch him.
But there was nothing saying anything bad had happened between him and Josh. The boy looked chill and happy. I had no proof other than how I felt, and what had happened to me in the past. But it was still happening, wasn't it? What had happened between Isaac and me when I was 14 was because I wanted it, right? I egged him on. I encouraged him to touch me. If Josh wasn't like me, he was safe, right?
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Mom asked. "You don't look well all of a sudden."
I shook my head. "Sorry. It was an exciting day, and I think I'm finally feeling it."
She hugged me. "Head on in and eat. I brought you a club sandwich and fries today." She leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I also got a raise today, so I can put a little extra food in the fridge."
I hugged her back, hard, then went inside. She was finally going to be able to bring in a little extra and not starve herself to feed me. I should have been dancing on air, but I couldn't shake the dread I was feeling. I went to my room to put my stuff away and delete the version of Mason that was waiting outside, then headed to the kitchen to eat. I was a bit hungry, and I started in on the sandwich. The cinnabon had been amazing, but I felt the need for something with a bit of nutrition.
My appetite was lacking, though. I picked at the sandwich as I weighed things over in my head. The sounds of chatter and laughter from outside the door were a deep contrast to the heavy darkness I was feeling.
I was lost in thought when Mom came back inside. She came to the tiny table for two to sit with me. "Only half the sandwich and no fries. What's going on? What else happened today?"
"It's not like that," I told her. "It was a great day. I was on top of the world until I got up the stairs."
"Well, since I'm guessing it had nothing to do with Peggy, since you barely know her, and you've never met Josh, did I do something wrong?"
I shook my head, staring down at the table.
"Isaac, then."
"Yeah."
She picked up a fry and ate it. "So what's going on? Did he yell at you for something?"
"Mom...," I paused. "Mom, if I'm going to tell you, I need you to promise me you'll listen like I'm a grown up telling you something, not like a kid, and definitely not like your son."
"You're scaring me."
"Mom, I'm serious. I'm not in trouble or hurt or anything, just...messed up in the head, I guess. Look, Mom, I'll start small. I'm...I'm not a virgin."
"Who's pregnant?" she asked, and I stared up at her with an eyebrow raised, waiting for her to catch up. "Oh, yeah, gay. Are you sick? Did you get an STD? Is that why you don't feel well?"
God, it would have been so easy to use that as an escape route from the conversation. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. No, I wasn't going to chicken out of it. "No. I've been having sex with Isaac."
Her face darkened. "He's an adult and you're a child. I'm calling the cops." She stood and started for the phone.
"I'm legal in this state, Mom. 16 is the age of consent." She dropped back into the chair.
"Why him?" she asked.
"Because he wants me. Because up until this makeover, I didn't think anyone else did, or ever would. Because the boy I've been in love with since middle school isn't into guys and will never love me back; not in the same way, at least."
She rushed over to me and held me, which opened up the waterworks. I sobbed into her arms for a good five minutes. "You, Zac, are my beautiful boy, and you're absolutely perfect. I take it, from the way you told me, that you don't actually want to be with Isaac?"
"No. It was fun for a bit, but I stopped really wanting it a while ago. But he wanted me, and that felt so good. I'm so fucked up."
She lifted my chin. "Two things. First: no you're not. Most people want to love someone and be loved back. That's the least fucked up thing in the world. Second," she pulled her powder compact from her purse and opened it to show me the mirror, "never cry with eye makeup on." I had dark streaks running down from my smudged out eyes. I snorted.
She returned to her chair again and we were silent for another few minutes. "It's Mason, isn't it?" she asked.
"What's Mason?"
"The boy you love that will never love you back. You've always been a little more focused on him than any of your other friends. He just makes the most sense."
"Don't tell him, please."
"Oh, Honey! I would never." She sighed. "For you, I wish he were gay. Other than that, there's no advice to give, apart from: try to focus on someone else -- someone your age. It's empty advice, though. It's one of those shared human experiences we all go through. Do you remember when I showed you my yearbook, and there was that one guy, George, who got bullied for being gay, and then died in the car accident? I was so crushed out on him I couldn't think straight."
"The problem was, neither could he," I joked. "Seriously, though, I'm sorry you were in love with the gay kid. I can imagine how that felt."
"You're going through it right now."
"How did you get over him?"
"Well, him dying did most of the work, but I really don't suggest that route. Beth would never forgive me." I snorted and then broke into laughter.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have laughed at that, but damn, I didn't know you could go that dark."
"Maybe we should have more talks like this," she said. "You're turning into an adult, and maybe you need to know me as one as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm still mom, but we really should get to know each other as whole grown-ass people."
"I'd like that," I told her. "But there's more to my story, and you're going to be very, very pissed."
"Something you did, or something Isaac did?"
"Here's where I'm really going to need that promise to treat me like an adult. I don't want to tell you if you're going to go `Raging Mom.' Whatever you decide to do will impact my life, possibly a lot. I want, as an adult, to have a say in what happens going forward. Your word that you won't take any action that I have no input in?"
"I don't like the sound of this, but I'm going to trust you here."
I nodded. "Remember when Grandma died and you first got the job at the diner and needed someone to watch me? That's when things started with Isaac."
Her eyes bulged out. "You were 13! He was 18!"
"I know. And I just saw him out there with his hand on Josh's shoulder like he did with me. That's why I got sick."
"I have to call Peggy and...," she started, getting up.
"You have to nothing," I told her. "Not yet. You promised. If they've gone home, then no one is in danger right this second. If he did do anything today, taking a minute to think isn't going to change anything."
She sat back down, but she looked worried. "Josh might be perfectly safe and fine," I told her. "Isaac may never try anything with him. Remember how I said it was fun with him at first? I had a crush on him. I made the first moves, always."
"You weren't old enough to give consent," she growled.
"I know. He should never have given in. But that's the thing. He didn't approach me, he gave in to me. That's why Josh might be perfectly safe. Isaac may never make a move on him. He might not even see him that way. I do think you need to tell Peggy to find another temporary sitter, though, just in case. What do we tell her? And I said `we,' because we're a team in this."
"Are you interested in taking action?" she asked.
"Yes, but no unhinged action that will destroy my life," I said. "Like I told you, the actions we take here will directly and deeply impact my life moving forward. I'm not out, but a court case would put my sexuality on center stage. Who knows what it will do to me at school. Remember, it will come out that I came on to him and never stopped having sex with him, but always by my own choice. We need to be careful, please."
"I hate this, Zac," she said.
"Me too, Mom. I don't know the right answers here. He needs to be punished, but how?"
"I don't know, sweetie. Do you mind if I look into it tomorrow and find out our options?"
"I'd thank you for it. Information is what I need the most. I'm just glad I finally want to do something. You have no idea how much I've been hating myself for letting it keep going."
"Sweetie," she said. "No, Zac. You're growing up so fast. I'm so proud of you. Other than Isaac, your day was good?"
"The best." I sniffed a small laugh and a smile emerged unbidden.
"Tell me about it?" she asked. "I need something good to take my mind off of the other thing."
I went over the story Mason and I had concocted on the bus. "So I've been looking into photography at school, because I keep seeing these shots around that I think are pretty. We don't have a photography club or anything, so I looked online, and found this group for locals to share their pictures. I started commenting on them and got into the community. Well, there's this boy in the group, Carter, in Ypsi, and he's my age, and we facetimed so I could see he wasn't some...well...you know.
"So we set up this meeting at the mall today to see if we could get some good pics, and he had this extra camera that he'd let me borrow. So we started taking shots all over the mall."
"Wait," Mom said. "He came all the way here from Ypsi to take pictures with you?"
"It's 20 minutes by expressway. My bus ride there took longer."
"Is this Carter boy the one who likes you?"
"Actually, no," I told her. I don't know why I started to speed up and infodump the whole story onto her as quickly as possible, but that's what happened. "He's not into boys. Or girls either. He's Ace. That's part of why I trusted that he wasn't going to try anything. Our conversations never turned sexual at all. So anyway, we ran into Casey and Lyssa who are juniors and go to my school, and they said there was a raffle happening, so I put my name in and I won.
"So the four of us are going from store to store, but Casey, who's gay like me, but not, because he's out and super gay, has this like super expensive taste and amazing fashion sense, and basically told the stylist `hold my beer.' He took over and made all this happen. But then, as we're finishing, Casey, who has a boyfriend already, gets all quiet and surly. Lyssa, who knows him inside and out, asks him his deal and he's all flustered, and it turns out he thinks he did too good a job because he's really into me.
Then we go into this shop where we got the cuffs and the necklace, and the guy who works there totally ignores Casey and Carter, who are both hotties, and flirts with me. And I kept getting stares and winks, like these two girls on the bus home who were trying to flirt with me." I stopped and giggled. "God it all felt so good, Mom."
She dubbed her eyes. "I love the fact that you finally felt like someone wanted you, honey. But...how lonely have you been? Do I need to spend more time here with you?"
"You aren't doing anything wrong, Mom. I do have friends, and you know that. I'm good on company. The loneliness I've had isn't something you can fix."
"Yeah, but you know how it is. If I could go out and find the perfect man and tell him to love you forever, I would."
I chuckled. "I'd probably let that happen, TBH. I'm not about to shut down any paths for Mr. Right to enter my life." I yawned.
"I think it's time to be Mom again," she said. "Time to turn in for you."
"I'm not that tired," I protested.
"Yeah, I know, but you're going to want some extra time in the morning to put all this back together," she waved her hands at my outfit. "I assume you'll want to show this off at school. You said they gave you the makeup they used, so, if you wake me up at six in the morning, I can help you get it on right. Oh, and if they didn't tell you, take the makeup off before bed. You can use my wipes in the bathroom if they didn't give you any."
I headed to the bathroom to clean my face, remembering a fight my mom and I had had years ago. I was mad at her for buying makeup instead of some extra food for the fridge, and she explained the hard truth that she needed the makeup to bring in enough tips to pay rent. As I took a wipe out of the package, I wished again that I knew a way to believably bring in money so those choices didn't have to be made.
My heart sank as I looked into the mirror. Even with the smudged eye makeup, my face made me feel attractive. I was about to wipe that off and go back to reality. I sucked it up and wnt in, doing the deed, bringing every blemish back into the land of the living.
When I looked back up at the mirror, I paused. Yes, the acne was there, but it didn't look as bad as I remembered. The amount hadn't changed; I was just seeing past it. I still felt kind of cute, looking at my blemished face. I gave a small huff of surprise and smiled. Seeing that in the mirror, I took a step back, shocked. I was actually way cuter than I'd given myself credit for.
Out of curiosity, I unbuttoned the overshirt and took it off, then peeled off the black undershirt and compression shirt. I looked back into the mirror. Not great, but, once again, not as bad as I'd thought. I put on just the overshirt, hanging open, my sleeves still rolled up with the cuffs, necklace, and jeans. Now it was just the clothes, the haircut, and me, no deception. I had to admit to myself, I wasn't half bad. Was this what other people saw me as? If so, I was stupid to think I was hideous.
My spirits were high when I went to my room, where something caught my eye. A gold cuff with a red jewel inset on the back rested on top of a note on my bed. I picked it up and opened the note.
"Zac, the shopkeeper told me to give this to you, but I wasn't about to sit around waiting for you to show up again. He said to wear it to bed over your tattoo. It will let you lucid dream, and you can remember the important ones. He also made sure I promised to tell you that tonight's dreams would be especially illuminating for you.
-Time Girl"
Author Notes:
Unprocessed trauma and a glimmer of self acceptance. Is Zac on the road to loving himself? The next chapter is the finale of Arc 1 (or book 1 if you prefer), and it's a wild ride.
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~Jayce ( jaycemarvel501@gmail.com )