Note: Thanks to everyone for continued encouragement on this one! I know its been awhile, but I've been busy and the inspiration took awhile to build. Special thanks to Andrew, my newfound friend and blessing in the form of an editor! Enjoy!
Ill Be by Skyler
Chapter Two:
"Okay, here's the deal... I'm trying to meet new people and I guess you could say this is my last resort... Haven't had any other luck, so here goes... Right now, I'm just looking for friends. I want to meet people that I can hang out with, relate to, talk to, and hopefully trust. I'm straight acting and I like movies and music, you know, the normal stuff. If you're 16-17, slim/average build, straight acting and straightforward, please respond. Let's be friends first. Hope to hear from ya."
Clicking the 'Submit' button, I shake my head in a mixture of disbelief and disgust. I just can't believe I really did it; that my loneliness and deep sense of despondence has driven me to this level of vain and meaningless effort. It has truly launched me over the edge. I'm certain that I have single-handedly defined a new level of the term "degradation". Good Lord, I'm pathetic!
"Your personal is now active!" The computer screen blandly announces. Ah the Internet, last bastion of the lonely. I always said that any guy who had to exercise this option just to meet people certainly has some serious issues. Now I question the wisdom of those words, in addition to my own self-confidence and esteem. Well, its finished. I did it. If this doesn't work, I don't think I have any other options currently available to me. On the upside, it only took me ninety-four minutes and twenty-six seconds to write those eighty-one little words. I think I may have broken the world's record for slowest, most nervous, gay teenage typist.
I guess I could always try going straight again. It seems as though I've never had a problem picking up girls. In high school, they swarm to good-looking jocks like flies to a rotten carcass. They're no less annoying either as I am quite often pestered by the deep, burning desire to swat at them. Yet, they still won't go away! I've thought time and time again about how much easier my life would be if I had even the slightest hint of an attraction to them. Some of the girls are even pretty, especially if you consider being "brain-dead" and "giggle-happy", attractive attributes.
It's really unfortunate that most of my male friends don't appear to be very strong in that department either, that and the fact that they're all straight. That must be my punishment, to hang out with all the jocks. Some are sure nice to look at though! Excellent eye candy! I guess that counts for something, but the all-to-familiar, "You can look, but you can't touch!" signs just don't do it for me anymore. Ahhh, if only one of them could be like me. I know that's a tall order to fill, but hey, everyone's entitled to dream.
I guess I'll just have to deal with it, like always. It just gets so lonely, depressing, and tiresome after awhile. They always say you have to wait for the good things in life, yet I'm beginning to fear the overall length of this waiting game. Seems like its already taken long enough! Who knows? Maybe this last resort effort will actually lead to something. Probably not, but we'll see anyway...
Then, as always, my thoughts drift back to Tyler. Always Tyler. If only he was gay, my life would be just perfect! We're already best friends, "just like brothers", as our parents often say. Did I mention that he's absolutely gorgeous? We do practically everything together, finish each other's sentences quite frequently, and keep no secrets whatsoever from one another. I trust him implicitly. Well, let me clarify that previous statement about secrets a little bit. I'm pretty sure that Tyler has never kept any secrets from me. He couldn't if he wanted to, really. Honest to God, Ty is probably the world's most miserable liar. He busts out laughing whenever he's hiding or bending the truth about something, and it's usually because whatever he's saying is so stupid that it instantly strikes even him as being funny. So, if he ever tried to hide something from me, I'd definitely know about it pretty quick.
I, on the other hand, haven't been quite so forthcoming recently. Due to the immense value I place on our friendship, I have always made it a point to be truthful and upfront with Tyler about everything. Until now, that is. I really consider myself a very talented liar, at least to some extent. I have managed to withhold this little tidbit from my friend for about three years now. I don't think he has even the slightest suspicion. There's no reason why he should anyway. As many girls as I've dated during that time, I think I've kept up a pretty decent facade. However, the foundations are struggling to hold any longer. Not only is the guilt I feel more than sickening and terrifying enough for me, but the fact that I can't look to the one person who knows me better than I even know myself, to give me acceptance, advice, support or just lend an ear, is tearing my heart out. I have wanted to come out to Tyler for a while now, pretty much ever since I figured out things for myself. To have someone to confide in would be wonderful. I've just never been able to find the courage to do so. I'm so afraid of his response. What he'll say, and even more so of what he won't. I wonder if he will be upset with me? Will he yell, or will he be sympathetic? Will he even care? Will he reject our friendship after all these years and say that he never wants to see me again? These and so many other questions dance wildly through my mind.
I know one thing for certain; he will not express any reciprocating feelings. I wonder if he might be flattered, should I ever decide to tell him just how much I think about him? Though, I will probably never know the true answer to that question. Tyler might be flattered, but neither of us will ever know. He is so cute! Unfortunately for me, he's also as straight as it gets. Too bad...But, as I said, we're like brothers anyway, so that would be just way too weird for me to handle. I really do want to tell him though. It will do wonders for my conscience. The timing has to be just right. I want to reveal this secret to Tyler when I'm confident that both his heart and mind are open to my words. We have to be alone together in a moment where he will not pass judgment on me, but rather weigh and discover the depths of my sincerity and fears. Whatever happens, I cannot lose Tyler. Our friendship means entirely too much to me. Even the thought of that prospect frightens me so. I don't know what I'd do without him. I've never known even a single day in our eleven years together when we haven't at least spoken to one another. Even our childhood feuds never lasted more than a few hours, since neither of us could stand being without the other for much longer than that. If only Tyler were gay... Then I'd know for sure that we were more than just friends, because I know we'd be perfect soul mates.
But I know that will never be and I've finally resorted to my last available option for meeting others like myself. God, how I hope this works. I've heard all kinds of horror stories about the types of people that can be found in cyberspace so I really hope I don't run across any of those. Talk about scary... My sincere hope is that I come across just one single person who will make all this whole effort worthwhile. And please let him be cute!
The telephone rings suddenly, jerking me back to reality in a snap as I fumble for the receiver.
"Hello?"
"Hi! I'm calling on behalf of the penile enlargement association and we were informed by several of your female classmates that you are desperately in need of our services!" A familiar voice cackles on the other end of the line, barely able to speak all the words, due to the heightening intensity of his laughter.
"Screw you, Tyler." I say, laughing with him. At least his jokes are getting more creative, though he still can't manage to get through one without laughing.
"Dude, what's the holdup? You were supposed to be here an hour ago. You too busy jerkin' it or what?"
Shit, basketball! I'd completely forgotten about that! I glance at the clock on my computer and sure enough, I am exactly an hour late. Damn Tyler for being so precisely time-conscious always.
"Man, I'm sorry. Just doin' some, uh, homework and I guess I sorta lost track of time. I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"Yeah, whatever. I'm not gonna hold my breath on that estimate. See you in thirty-five, Cam." He laughs, clicking off the line.
I've never understood why, but my gross inability to keep track of time seems to be a constant source of amusement for Tyler. All I can figure is that it's the only thing other than basketball he's better at than me. Oh, well. I quickly power down the computer, grab my car keys and run for the door. Thirty-five minutes, huh? I'll show him...
Well, there you have it, folks. Another one down. As always, please write with any comments to skypro21@yahoo.com
Peace and Love!
-Skyler