Hey everyone, it's time for another exciting chapter of my story. I hope you enjoy this chapter, or at least can relate to it in some way. Lots of love to you all.keep in touch. Lefteyefan-1@tlcfanmail.com check the website at http://home.gay.com/leo1980 where you can take my poll, or sign my guest book. ?
"If You Were to Hold Me" Chapter 6
As the morning sun began to shine into the windows of the tour bus I came to the realization that I wasn't alone anymore. I knew that it was Blake.I knew his smell, his warmth, and his.bulge. He had a nice case of morning wood. I decided to wake sleeping beauty with a kiss.
"Morning dear." I said to him.
"Good morning." He said and rolled his back to me.
I took him in my arms and rested a bit longer. I could tell the bus wasn't moving anymore so we had to be in Birmingham, AL. I hated to do it.but I had to get him and the other two guys up. I started brushing his sides with my hand.hoping he would stir to life once more.
"Sleep need sleep." He said in his best Furby voice.
"Hey, if you don't want to sleep alone tonight.I suggest you get out of bed!" I threatened him.
"As if! You can't be that mean." He laughed at me and got up.
"Probably not, but let's not test me.I get to go see my mom!" I said excited.
"Yes, I know. And I'm sure she will be glad to see you too. Now you have the fun job of waking up them." He said pointing at Brian and Nick.
"I have an idea for that. You go ahead to the hotel and call us a cab. I'll have these two up soon enough." I told him.
As Blake exited the bus, I crawled into the bunk with Brian. I started cuddling with him, and he moaned a sigh of pleasure. You cannot believe how tempted I was to stay there.to just lie in his arms all morning.but I knew I couldn't do that. So.I stuck to the plan. "Oh Justin!!! You Nsync boys are just soooo hot!" I screamed loudly.
That caused Brian to rise up quickly and knock his head against the top of the bunk. "Tony, your dead!" He said as I got out of the bunk quickly.
Nick woke up from the excitement.and the two of them went running after me as I ran off the bus, and into the hotel's side entrance.
"Blake, you're not going to believe what that goon did to me." Brian said.
"Probably something evil, or at the very least unpleasant. I saw that look he had on his face before I left the bus." He stated laughing at Brian.
"He started screaming in my ear, and worst of all.he called me Justin from N'stinks." He laughed.
"And him and Brian both woke me up." Nick said still a little sleepy.
"Well, I had to wake you guys up somehow, I know you didn't want to miss the trip to Walker County.it's an experience!" I laughed at the thought of my home county being exciting.well I suppose it is at times.
Shortly the cab was honking for us. We headed out the door, and waded through tons of people screaming and pulling at the boys' clothes.and mine! Gee I have groupies? Nahhhh.
"So what are we doing this morning then?" Nick asked.
"Well, we are going to drive to my house.get my car, and parents (Mom and grandma) and we're going to go out to breakfast." I told them.
"What time do we have to be back Blake?" Brian asked him.he knew their schedule as well as the girls'.
"Sound check is at 5:30, so not till then." He told them.
"Hey, I had an idea that maybe the Backstreet Boys could help you do a remix for one of your songs Tony. Like maybe which ever song you choose as your next single." Nick suggested.
"That might be nice for my song `Try Try Try Again.'" I told him.
"Oh I like that song. Nick and I will start thinking of ideas for it, and I know Kevin will have some ideas." Brian told me.
"But first we have to do the video for my current single. I can't believe I'm doing a video this weekend.and with my favorite Nsync member." With that said. Brian promptly smacked me in the back of the head. I knew I had it coming though.
"Any more of those comments and I'll announce your sexuality at our concert.and then see how hard it is for you to get your career running." He said.
"All kidding aside. I've already decided to come out. I've thought about it a while now.there are other gay singers.not many mind you, but they do exist. So I'm not going to hide it. The video will have a guy as my love interest just like the song was intended. I've told Edwin, he wasn't very happy about it.but he agreed to it." I told Brian.
"Oh wow! That's really cool. Can you imagine the Media coverage it'll get! Especially with me in the video! We might have to do talk shows.!" Brian laughed.
"Well, B'Rock this might be your chance to come out too." Nick suggested.
"No, I'm not ready for it yet. If it goes good with Tony, I'll feel better about doing it myself around the beginning of next year." He stated.
"Well, I'm not a pop start so I'm not worried. Maybe I could play the boyfriend in the video?" Blake said smiling at me.
"That's a good idea.but the concept is that it's someone I can't have.you're way to easy for that." I joked with him.
"You two are awful. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were married already." Nick teased us.
"I know, but it makes life more interesting to be a little insane, and very.what's the word?" I asked.
"Queenie?" Nick suggested.
"Energetic?" Blake thought.
"Perky!" Brian threw in.
"Yes exactly Brian.you have to be perky!" I giggled along with them.
Soon we pulled into my driveway. Brian insisted that he pay for the cab. I thought that was nice of him. I gave him a small hug. My `perky' self, as Brian so marked me, was about to get blasted back to reality. As we walked closer to the door, I was hit by the most eerie feeling. Something was wrong.
I saw that the door was unlocked so I quickly opened the door and ran in. The guys were following me, as the tears started to roll down my face. I knew what it was. I saw mom in the living room crying as well.
"Is it Grandma?" I asked.knowing the answer already.
"Yes, she's gone Anthony." She told me.
"This morning?" I asked.
"Yes, they've already picked up the body." She told me.
With that said I quickly passed out.
A few hours later I came to, I knew that I was in my bed.my actual bed. And I wasn't alone. Brian and Blake had me sandwiched on the bed. It would have been a wet dream come true if it weren't for the sadness in my heart. Why couldn't Grandma have waited just one more day.where I could say goodbye.so I could tell her that I loved her.just some closure.
But I realized even with that happening I'd still feel the same emptiness.she was like a mother to me. She was the one that truly raised me. Now I was without her.and I would never see her smiling face again. I lost it again.I started crying softly into Blake's chest that I just happened to be facing. With that.Blake started holding me tighter, and Brian ran his hand through my hair.
"It's OK babe. Your going to be OK. I know this is hard, but I'm going to be here for you the whole time." Blake told me.
"So am I." Brian whispered into my other ear. I must say it felt nice to have them. I knew I couldn't spend the whole day in bed.but I just didn't have the energy to move. I hadn't eaten yet, but I didn't have any hunger.
"Blake, who's with Mama? She shouldn't be alone right now." I said between sobs.
"Nicks in there with her. I think he has calmed her down a bit. He's good with this sort of thing." Brian told me.
"She's fine babe." Blake reaffirmed what he said.
The rest of the day was a blur to me. I only remember bits and pieces.it's all so jumbled. I know that at one point Blake left to get us something to eat.and that Brian stayed with me. I remember him saying something to me.but not sure what. Then he kissed me on the lips. Just a simple little kiss.I don't remember much about afterwards.but he made me feel safe.that's all I cared about. Anything that made me feel safe or less depressed was welcomed at this point.
I fell back to sleep.the next thing I remembered was waking up in Blake's arms the next morning. I don't know why, but part of me wanted it to be Brian right then.He was just a friend.and that's what I needed. I loved Blake, but my heart was in a scary place. Right now I couldn't trust anyone with my heart.
"Blake honey, I'm hungry." I told him.
"You should be, you didn't eat anything yesterday. And you're going to need your strength tonight." He told me.
"Where's Brian?" I asked.
"Nick drug him to the concert last night. And I do mean he drug him.he didn't want to leave you. But Nick knew he couldn't miss this show.They only get to come to Alabama like once in a blue moon anyway. But he is going to miss the rest of this week's dates to stay with you. He knows you need a friend right now." Blake told me.
"I'm glad.right now I need him, he's my best friend.and he makes me feel better." I confessed to Blake.
"I know babe. Right now you are scared of the world, and Brian can comfort you better.because there isn't that sexual frustration there. I understand what you mean." Blake told me.
"Thanks dear.you always seem to understand." I leaned on Blake as we walked into the kitchen.
Mother gave me a huge hug, and set me down at the table for breakfast. She seemed to be doing better this morning. I was better.but far from the happy person I had been less than 24 hours ago. I knew that I had so much to do now. I had to be strong for my mother. I had to say goodbye to my grandmother.and like it or not. I had to go back to work. I know it will be hard.but it's either throw myself into my work, or throw myself off a bridge.
Once again things were kind of fuzzy, but not as bad. I remember crying a lot.and Blake holding me. Mom kept saying not to cry that everything was fine.she never liked to hear me cry. Around lunchtime, Brian showed back up. I welcomed him back with a hug. At that point I had regained my self- control. Blake and I helped mom serve lunch, as Brian told me about the concert.
"The fans were so disappointed that you weren't there Tony. I think there were as many signs for you, as there were for us. You had the home court advantage after all." He kidded me.
"Aw...That's so sweet. I will have to do a show just for them soon. I think we can arrange that.right Blake?" I asked.
"Sure babe, and you can do more than one song for it too." He said smiling.
"Yeah, let's put a really good show on for them." Brian threw in.
"Yeah, maybe you could get a band to play for you." Mom suggested.
"That might be nice. Who could we get?" I asked.
"Well, your cousin Linda would be good for playing the keyboard." Mother suggested.
"I know a drummer and a bass player." Blake threw in.
This was all sounding way too familiar. I just couldn't resist asking. "One of them happen to be Jim, and the other goes by `D'?" I asked.
"Yes, how did you know that?" Blake asked surprised.
"Oh never mind.it's a long story." I probably would have laughed.but I was still to down.
"I'll play at your show too." Brian told me.
So it was set. I would have a band and a show. All we had to do was set a date.but that was later.. Right now I had to get through the next few days. The odd thing about it.everything is going to be just like in my dream.except that I don't remember Brian being there before. I guess that would just be a bonus. Blake had to go back on tour with the girls. He really didn't want to, but I made him. I knew he had to be there to help them out. They couldn't just go on alone. They needed someone to make sure they made it to record signings and shows and everything. Brian was making a huge sacrifice by staying with me. But he wouldn't go back.he was quite persistent about that. Kevin called to talk him later that evening, and Brian said that management had given him tonight off and tomorrow morning as well. He'd have to go to his show that night though. So he wasn't going to miss but one show. That made me feel much better about it.
Nick called a little later. He talked to me for a long while. He was really nice. He and I hadn't spent much time talking, but somehow this tragic event was drawing us all closer. Brian, Mother, and I went to the funeral home that evening. Most of my family was there. My sister, Fay, was there and she did what I never thought she would do.
"Anthony, I'm sorry.I know how close you were with Grandma. I am sorry I've been such a witch lately. I should have been there for you when you came out.can you ever forgive me?" She asked hugging me tightly.
"It'll take time, but I know we can get past that." I said hugging her back.
My relationship with my sister all but ended when I came out, but now she was coming back to me. I was glad. I had missed her a lot. It's sad, but it took loosing our grandmother to bring us back together.but at least one good thing came from her death. I spent most of the evening telling her about what's been going on.and her doing the same. Occasionally we would have to stop and lean on each other and cry, but all in all it was a good start.
Brian was there too.he held my hand through the whole evening. I don't think Fay knew who he was.but she did look at him funny a few times. I told her who he was and she was kind of speechless.
"You're friends with a Backstreet Boy?" She asked me.
"Yeah, he's been a life saver lately. He's helping me with my music, and today keeping me sane." I smiled slightly.
"That's great dear." She said smiling at us both. Then she bent to my ear to ask. "So are you guys dating?" She asked.
"No." I said as my face turned bright red.
"But you'd like that I bet." She said with a small giggle.
"Um, I'm dating my boss/manager whatever you want to call him.his name is Blake." I told her.
"Oh when do I get to meet him?" She asked.
"Well, I'll introduce you before the show we are going to do. If you can be there that is." I told her.
"I won't miss it. I really like your song. I bought the single. Are you going to do a video for it?" She asked me.
"Sure am, this weekend actually, if I can." I said realizing how close it was to then.
"I'm sure you can use this to be more in the mood for the video actually.it's a sad song after all." She suggested.
"Yes I guess so. I'm definitely sad. I miss her so much!" I said and then began to cry again.
"I think he's had enough for one night Fay, I'm going to make sure he gets home. Do you think you can take your mother home? I don't think she's ready to leave." Brian told her.
"Yes, that's no problem, you take care of my little brother now." She instructed him.
I laid my head on his shoulder as he held on to me and led me to the car. I cried most of the way home, but Brian held my hand and didn't give up trying to cheer me up. He would tell me dumb jokes trying to make me smile, and he would remind me of all the good stuff in my life. It didn't help a whole lot, but having him around was wonderful. I'd have died if I had to do this alone.
That night I slept in Brian's arms. No sexual tension was there.just like Blake had said.just friendship and love. It was just what I needed. I didn't move the whole night. My emotional wear and tear made sure of that.
Daybreak came and found me on a sad day indeed. Brian held my hand as the preacher led the sermon.and Brian was there when they lowered her in the ground. No matter what happened for the rest of my life, I would never forget that. He had proven his friendship without a shadow of doubt.
That evening Blake arrived he had promised he'd come back as soon as he could.and he was true to his word. He held me that night, and though we didn't have sex.we still made love in another way. We kissed, and we held on to each other so tight.I thought I'd burst. I hadn't realized how bad I had missed him till he was in my arms again.
The last three days are days that I'll never forget.they not only were sad, but also a new beginning for me. I had seen the value of friendship and of love. I had finally gotten my sister back. Most important of all.I had rediscovered myself. I knew now that my music was important, but what really mattered was my family and loved ones.
The next morning Blake and I said good bye to Mom and told her that we would see her soon. I had already decided that I was going to be visiting with my family at least once a month from now on. This 'see them whenever the tour bus happens to be in the neighborhood' idea wasn't going to cut it. If it meant I had to fly Mom out to one of the shows.or to fly out there to spend the day with my sister and then back to do another show the same day.then it would be worth it.
When we made it back to the group everyone welcomed with hugs, and kisses. Ruby was beside herself from worrying about me.
"Boy if you had been gone one more day, I was going to come after you." She said. Hugging me tighter.
"Me Too." Emerald said hugging onto me as well.
"Cooties!" I shouted.
That of course set the girls into hitting me, but I didn't mind. It was great to see them. All the guys were glad to see me too. Nick gave me a big hug, and Brian nearly squeezed the life out of me. He was so cute when he did something like that.
Ruby filled me in on all the good gossip. Apparently her and Howie had been seeing a lot of each other. They hadn't done anything but kiss, but they were having a great time. Emerald on the other hand.was having lots of fun with AJ.and they had just about seen everything about each other.
Nick who was in a very good mood had told us that he had proposed to his girlfriend. I was happy for him. Though I was surprised he was getting married. I thought he'd be too wild to settle down.oh well, go figure.
Blake took off to do some more paper work, and preparation for the show we wanted to do. Mother said she was going to call Linda and make sure she wanted to do it. And Blake of course was going to call the guys.
When Blake was gone I realized there was something in my pocket. I opened the piece of paper and read it to myself. It was a poem.very romantic, and sweet. Blake must have written it for me. I folded it up, and placed it back in my pocket. I would have to find a special place for it.
We all spent the day getting ready for the show. We would sing each other's songs, and practice with the boys' dance moves. The guys always laughed at me.I just didn't quite have the moves down.and probably never would. But it was fun to try. That night the show went great.
I did my song better than usual. I had a lot more power to my voice somehow. And the audience clapped loudly, and asked for more. The girls quickly joined me on the stage, and asked me to sing along with them on their closing number. It was a lot of fun! And I got introduce the boys too.
"Here for you tonight, are the most popular, and in my opinion cutest boyband. the Backstreet Boys!" I screamed as the came swinging from the roof. I always thought that was the coolest entrance!
After the show we all went out to a late meal. We were a family, mind you a strange one. But we were a family that kept on growing. What would the future hold for the 9 of us next?
To be continued.
Well, that's all for this section, but there's more to come. Please let me know what you think.and if your perceptive, or a mind reader you can try to guess how the story will end up. I always love to hear what you guys are thinking.:) Later, Lee.