If You Knew

Hi all..

Here it is.. enjoy...

Raven...

If you knew what I knew Nine

Disclaimers: This is not real.. Repeat after me this is not real, the BSB and Nsync are not Gay.. At least as far as we know...

Notes.. Nothing to say....

Howie rolled over in his sleep and found himself on a warm body a body that was defiantly not female. He quickly rolled off the bed and backed away. "Howie breath, you are still straight." AJ's voice came at him from under the covers; he was trying to hold in the laughter. "You scared me." "Howie it's a good thing that you are straight, or we'd have a problem." "What?" "Brian will never kill you after he hears this." AJ responded with out thinking, as soon as the words hit his brain he shuddered as the tears hit the back of his eyes. "You'll be fine you two are meant to be together, God wants you to together." Howie soothed his friend; he climbed up beside him and held him as he shook. "You aren't scared now?" "Nope, I'm fully awake." Howie chuckled. They laughed together at the sight they must make, neither of them ready to go record, AJ because he didn't want to have to face Brian if he saw him he knew that he would be unable to stay with his plan, he missed him so much he wanted to be with him even if it meant that he was alone in the house even when he was there. "You don't have to see him." Howie said as he realized what his friend was fearing. "Yes I do, I have to look him in the eye and stick to my guns." "AJ?" "Yeah?" "Do you still want to hit the gym?" "Yeah I need to beat something." "Kay after we record lets go in early." AJ just nodded his head in agreement, he knew that Brian would be there early to avoid him; he always avoided conflict with him.

****************8

Joey rolled over in his sleep screaming and yelling as he was faced with Michael in his dreams, they were back and he wanted to escape but they wouldn't let him. "No, I do love you I am a good boyfriend. I can love someone." He yelled over and over again. Lance came running up the stairs at his cry he needed to be there for him, "Joe," he shook him trying to wake him he wanted to end his torment so badly, he wanted to be the one to save him he needed Joey in his life, it wasn't worth living if he wasn't in it. "Joey listen to me. Joseph Anthony Fatone I love you. You are worth loving you make me complete." Lance said he was trying anything to bring him back he wanted him back. " I love you, you are perfect just the way you are, I love that you are clumsy and that you are a flirt and that you are wild, I love that you have no fashion sense and that you laugh at all of Chris's corny jokes." He was babbling but he didn't care. Joey heard the voice, a deep voice telling him he was special and that he was perfect just the way he was, he heard this voice as it contradicted everything that Michael was telling him, he heard the love in the voice and knew that he was going to be fine, Michael went away and Lance was there, he was always there. Joey loved Lance and he loved him in return no matter what, he loved him when he pushed everyone away he fought for his sanity when he didn't care anymore. "Lance." He whispered as his eyes opened he looked over and saw him sitting on his knees beside the bed his eyes trained on him, the hope on his face. "I'm here baby," He replied, reaching tentively towards him, he wasn't sure if Joey would let him touch him. Joey reached out and pulled him onto the bed beside him, he wanted to be close to him; he needed him in every way that he was afraid of before. "I want you." He told him watching his lovers face; he wanted to see the expression on his face as he heard those simple words. "Are you sure?" Lance had to know. " As sure as I am that you love me, and I love you." Joey replied as he pulled him closer to kiss him, he pressed his lips to the sweat patient southern boy beside him, he felt as though he was coming home. Lance kissed him back slowly as though to make sure that he wasn't going to pull away. Joey pulled him closer and rolled so that he was beneath him, Lance let him have his way, anything that made Joey happy. "Let me love you." "Yes." Lance agreed, as he lay back against the pillow, he waited for Joey to take this where he wanted it to go. "Help me." "Joey do what you would want done to you, I love you and anything that you are ready for is fine with me" Lance tried to sooth his fears, he wanted this more than he ever thought he ever could his heart was threatening to stop beating. "You are nervous." Joey said as he felt the change in him. "No' I'm aroused, you do this to me Joe." "I do?" "Joey you have always done this to me," Lance replied as he acted on instinct and grabbed Joey's hand placing it on his throbbing cock, he wanted him to feel what being around him did. " I wear the baggy clothes to hide this, I am always hard around you." Lance smiled at him as he realized that his comments had boosted his confidence. Joey leaned in to him and grabbed his lips with his own, he was still unsure but he knew that he wanted this that he needed Lance in this way. Lance moaned deep in his throat, as Joey pressed harder on his lips as he sought entrance with his tongue. They kissed passionately for a long time the hours flew by and still Joey held him. Lance was in ecstasy, he was with the man he loved he never wanted anything else, he thoughts were interrupted as he felt his shirt being pulled up away from his body he helped his lover by raising his arms, this was Joey's time he was in complete control. Joey kissed slowly down Lances throat and licked at his adams apple, he held Lance as he shuddered and moaned in his arms, his body arching towards him, he loved that he could excite him so much. He licked and sucked down his body capturing his nipples alternatively in his mouth, he teased Lance to the brink and back many times, he liked to see his lover aroused by him, it made him feel good, he wanted more and more everything seemed as though it was so right. Lance watched as Joey pulled away from him and quickly shed his clothes, and he waited on baited breath for him to come back to him, the sight of his perfect body his hard cock throbbing between his legs waiting for him, had Lance harder and wound tighter than he had ever been before. He needed him he craved him, he wanted to feel him under his hands he wanted him in his mouth he needed to taste him. "Joey let me taste you, let me drink from you." Lance reached for him, he wanted to please him, Joey smiled and climbed onto the bed beside him, he hips right beside his face, Lance turned on his side and licked the head of his lovers, he was leaking pre cum already, whoever said bigger feet the better was right, he lover was gorgeous and huge. (Sorry not going any further about Joe's size.) Lance opened his mouth and suckled he head of Joey's cock he suckled like a nursing baby he wanted to make this last and he wanted to erase all bad memories in Joey's head. "I love you." Joey said as he leaned down over him kissing his shoulder, he wanted to please him and yet he wanted to have the control, he knew that Lance like to be the top, but he also knew instinctively that Lance was going to give it up for him. His thoughts were soon pulled back to the reality and centered on the sensations on his cock, Lance was working him into his throat, he was sucking and swallowing him more and more each time he went down. Joey's was centered on those feelings. All Lance wanted was to bring him pleasure and he knew he was as Joey started to moan and thrust towards him, Joey like the believes about his heritage was an animal when he was close to his climax, he was so sensitive and ready to burst. Lance sensing that he was close reached his hand up and began rolling his sac in his hand rubbing his balls against each other, he wanted him to come he wanted him to come deep in his throat so he could swallow that precious gift. "Oh God Lance, I'm gonna, ahhhhh." Joey screamed as he shot load after load down his lover's throat. "Like?" Lance asked, as he pulled off a few minutes latter, as he cleaned him off. "Yeah, did you?" "I loved it." Lance replied honestly. "Lance can I make love to you?" Joey asked in a quite voice. "If you want to." Lance replied, pulling his boxers off in a quick motion, flipping over onto his knees. "No I want to look at you." Joey relied as he turned him over in his arms, holding him close. "Michael would only let me that way." "Oh Joey any way you want is okay with me." Lance soothed, he liked it better this way anyway he loved to watch as his lovers came. "Are you sure?" "Joey I want to be with you I want you in me." Lance replied grabbing him stroking him bringing him quickly to hardness again, his talented hands knowing just where to apply pressure. "I want you Joseph. I want you I have always wanted you." Lance pulled in between his legs, settling him into position. "We don't have anything." "We are both clean I trust you, I want you. I want to feel you, only you." Joey smiled he wanted that to, he needed his first time to be as intiament as possible. "Joey please." Lance reached for his hands, placing them on him, letting him know that he was ready. Joey sat up on his heals and played with him, tracing his throbbing erection with his fingers, he licked on and placed it gently at his entrance pushing slowly, he didn't want to hurt him. He always hurt Michael or so he told him. "Joey just us. It is just us in here, I am not him." Lance said taking his face in his hands and he threw his legs over his hip giving him better access. Joey smiled and proceeded to press another finger into him, Lance reached into the nightstand and handed him a bottle of lube. " I need it when I'm alone.' Lance explained. Joey looked flushed, "hey it's not your fault, I love you. Remember that ." Lance said soothing his feelings. Joey place some of the cool gel on his fingers and resumed preparing Lance hitting his prostate in the process, Lance screamed as his knuckle hit him he was so sensitive there, the right pressure and he would cum before he wanted to. "Joey please." He pleaded, he wanted to cum with Joey in him, "help me." Joey handed him the lube and pointed to his erection, Lance nodded squirting some of the gel into his hand, he grabbed Joey and lubed him up so that he glistened. "I'm ready." Lance grabbed the sheets in his hands as Joey placed himself at his entrance pressing slowly into him, unable to bear it, Lance latched his legs around Joey and used them to pull him into him in one deep thrust. He bit his lip as the pain hit, it was soon replaced by a warm feeling as he was stretched to accommodate him. "Are you okay?" Joey asked as he leaned over him, kissing his forehead. "Never better" Lance replied flexing his inner muscles to show his lover that he was ready. Joey began to move in him rocking back and forth slowly moving quicker and quicker until he was thrusting in and out at a wild pace, slamming home with so much force that the bed rocked hitting the wall behind them, a wall that was a foot from the bed. Lance moaned deep in his throat as he came, he came without touching himself the intense organism that he felt clamped his ass muscles around Joey causing him to shoot deeply into his lover. They cried each other's names and clung to each other until their passion subsided. "Are you okay?" Joey asked kissing him softly. "Better than okay, I'm wonderful." "So am I." Joey smiled as he went to pull out of him, Lance stopped him "stay, hold me." "I'll crush you." "No you won't" Lance replied turning on his side so that they were spooning and so that Joey was still apart of him, "Hold me." Lance mumbled as he fell asleep. Joey soon nodded off and the nightmares never returned again.

Brian paced the halls of the studio waiting for Alex to come in; he knew that he would be there early as to avoid him. He needed to see him, to ask him to come home. "Brian he isn't going to talk to you." Howie said as he came up beside him, "I need to see him." Brian looked around Howie to see if he was there. "He's not, he's in a different studio." "Howie I love him, I need him with me at home." "I know, but he needs this." "Why?" "Brian he told you." Howie didn't want to get involved in this. Brian nodded he was not giving up, but was just biding his time.

The hours rolled by quickly as Brian poured his heart and soul into the songs he didn't even hear Kevin as he came into the studio. "Brian you have to leave if you want to be on time." "For?" "Your appointment." "I'm not going." "Then Brian, AJ isn't coming home." "What?" "He asked me to remind you, that you said you would give it a try." "I remember, but what point is there know." "There is always a point." "Really?" "Brian go if only to help yourself it won't hurt will it?" Kevin asked. Brian looked at him he knew that his cousin had a point so he nodded, he would go. "Come with me?" "I'll be there for you." Kevin agreed reaching for the coat that Brian had left on the floor behind him. He opened the door and waited for his cousin to precede him. The car ride over to Chandra's office was quite, Brian wasn't ready to talk, and Kevin wouldn't force him to. "We're here." Kevin said as he pulled up to the address that AJ had given him, he was still mad at the youth but he did understand where he was coming from, Howie was taking him to the gym so that they could both work out some anger.

************88

The receptionist let Brian right in, as Chandra had given her a picture of him. "Sit." Chandra pointed to the chair, Brian looked at her and moved to stand by the window. "Brian you didn't sit why?" "Because I don't want to." "Fine. So talk to me." "About?' "About whatever is going on in your head." "Nothing to talk about." "Really, why not?" "There is nothing to go home to." "AJ?" "He left me." "Really?" "Yeah he left me." "For good?" "No." "So he's not gone then?" "He moved out." "Did he tell you why?" "Yeah." "So why don't you tell me what he said." "He told me that he was so angry at Tony that he wanted to hurt him." "That is a normal response." "Why is that normal?" "How do you mean?" "Why is violence normal. Why does him wanting to hurt Tony normal." "Because anger is normal, I would be more worried if he wasn't angry." "Why?" "Anger is a natural response to events that are hurtful, he is angry because you were hurt?" "Yeah." "He is upset because he knows that you don't like angry it scares you right?" "Yeah. How did you know?" "It's a common response in victims of domestic abuse, they see anger as the enemy. If they get angry that means that they are like the person who is abusing them." "I'm not like him." "Is AJ?" "No." "So why does his anger scare you?" "Because it makes him different." "Will he hit you?" "No." "Brian why are you so mad at him for being angry?" "I don't know." "I think that you do." "Really, then why don't you tell me? "I can't that is for you to say." "I love him." "Have you told him that?" "Yeah." "How?" "With words how else?' "You haven't shown him that you love him?' "I made love to him." "Brian that is sex, that doesn't count." 'What?" "Sex as showing love doesn't count. The little things do." "Little things?" "Talk to him, let him know what you are feeling." "I can't" "Why?" "It'll scare him away." "Brian he is already gone right?" "Yeah, but if he knew then he would never come back." "What would be that bad?" "I want to kill him." "Kill who?" "Tony." "Why?" "Because he took something from me that wasn't his." "Brian you just admitted to doing the same thing that AJ wants to do." "I did, didn't I?" "Yeah, so why does it bother you that he wants to?" "Because I don't want to hurt him, I want to forget that it ever happened." "You just told me that you wanted to kill him." " I do, but it won't change anything." "Maybe not, but telling AJ all of this will." "How, he's not there." "You know where he is." "Yeah." "Go tell him, go tell him everything that is in your heart but let him decide what that means for him." "Tell him and let him decide what it means?' "If he isn't ready to come home accept that, he needs to know that you are going to love him and be there for him." "I do love him, I want to be with him." "If he isn't ready?" "Then I have to accept that and let him come back to me when he is." "Not come back to you, he is always with you, but let him come home when he has dealt with all his anger, when he feels that he can be in the house and not scare you." "I get it I hate it but I get it." "Good, let him decide, but tell him every chance you get that you love him and call him see him outside of work, hang out with him, and take it slow. Brian this is a hard thing for both of you. You were hurt and he doesn't want to hurt you any more but you have to make sure that you don't hurt him." "I'll try." "Try very hard, and I'll see you in a few days, how about Monday." "Sounds good, when?" " Three till four." "Kay." "Go home and call him." "I will." Brian smiled at her he felt somewhat better than he had before, and he knew in his heart that they would survive this.

**********888

Chandra turned in her desk chair and stared out the window she loved her job, but sometimes worried that she wasn't helping anyone. "Chandra you have a call on line three." Her receptionist said over the intercom. "Thank you." She pressed the line and started talking. "Hello this is Chandra." "Chandra this is Joey." "Joey how are you doing?' "I had a nightmare last night." "Oh Joey how are you doing." "Good." He smiled over the phone he was sitting beside Lance he had just woken up after their love making and wanted to tell somebody anybody, but not the guys, they wouldn't understand. "Joey what happened?" "Lance happened." "What?' "Sorry I was having the same dream you know the one where Michael is telling me how worthless I am, and then I heard Lance he was arguing with him, he was fighting him for me." "Lance was in your dream?' "No that is the strange thing, he was beside the bed telling me how perfect I am and how much my love meant to him. I heard him, and Michael was gone." "Joey that is great you are on your way I'm so proud of you." "Chandra we made love." He whispered. "Did you want to?" "Yes>" "Joey if you are ready for that then do be it." Chandra smiled to herself the last two years had been hell as she had watched Lance fight with Joey's demons and as Joey had given up, he was so sad when she first saw him then he slowly had gotten better, but Lance had gotten sadder. "Chandra I have to go Lance is awake." "Joey kiss him and just be with him.' Chandra smiled as she hung up. They were on their way, she had helped them, she had helped Lance save him. That made her day all the better.

Lance looked up at him and smiled he was hoping that it wasn't a dream. "It wasn't" Joey smiled down at him, he leaned down to kiss him, the touch of their lips sending waves of pleasure through him, pleasure that he had been denying himself for so long. "Joey this is real?' "Yeah Lance it is, I am here and I love you, I want to be with you." Lance sat up and faced him; he took his hands in his placing them on his heart. "This is us. One heart together for eternity.' "I love you," Joey kissed him, and fell back carrying him with him letting them lay back on the pillows in love and caring. "Guys?" Chris came bounding up the stairs. "We're in here." Joey called out, holding Lance close to him, "they are going to see this anyway.' He whispered to him. "Hey Joey we are going shopping remember?" Chris said as he came into the room, stopping as he realized his friends were naked, the white cotton sheets hiding very little. "Yeah I remember." "We don't have to." "Chris I promised, let me shower and I'll meet you downstairs." "Un huh.' Chris nodded walking way he was happy for then but seeing a naked Lance in Joey's arms was making him more aware of the loneliness he was feeling. Lance came down the stairs and headed for the living room knowing that would be where Chris was, he was sitting in the empty room staring at a blank TV screen. "Uh, Chris it works better if you turn it on." "Lance when did you know that you were gay?' "Uh.. Okay, wow where did that come from?" "I don't know I was just wondering, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to." "Chris no it's okay I was just shocked that's all, you are the straightest of all of us." "I know, but lately...." "Lately what/" "I have been feeling attracted to a guy." "Any one we know?" "NO.." "Chris calm down." "Lance help please, I love Dani I really do but I don't want to sleep with her, she doesn't excite me." "Okay, more info than I needed, but okay, so you aren't attracted to Dani anymore, could it be that you have been with her longer than anyone else?' "I guess, but I fantasize about men." "Chris you have to talk to her, and then decide if you want to try being with a man." "How do I do that without hurting her." "Be honest." Lance said, he knew that it wasn't going to be easy. "Lance you avoided my question.' "Did I?" "Yeah so come on how did you know." "I didn't until I met Joey. I wasn't sure that I liked girls and then I met Joey and I knew that I liked men." "You knew you were gay because you met me?" Joey asked from the doorway. "Yeah." Lance turned to face him, he smiled and winked at him, "You were so cute and I wanted to kiss you, I never even kissed Meghan." "Your ex girl friend" Chris asked. "Yeah." "Okay so I'm the reason that you knew you were gay?" Joey tried to wrap his mind around the idea. "Joe are you okay with that?" "Lance yes I'm fine." "Good." Lance stood and pulled Chris up, he pushed him towards Joey "go shopping I have to get work done. Chris bring him home as he is." "I will." Chris looked at the floor dejectedly, Lance shook his head and chuckled under his breath, he was stopped however when Joey kissed him deeply. "Wait for me." "I will, go." Lance pushed him out the door, he loved him so much and he wanted him to be happy, so he was thrilled when Joey shook his ass at him and raced out the door. The old Joey was back.

Chris and Joey wandered through the mall, he had his head covered so that no one could see his signature hair, Joey was smiling he was happy and carefree for the first time in a long time. They were laughing and joking, Chris had his best friend back, he loved that he was there, really there for the first time. They walked into the next store a small little music store; they figured it was safe as they were not likely to be recognized by any of the fans that could be in the store. "So Joe, what are we looking for?" Chris asked as they wandered down the country section. "A present." "For James?" "Yeah, I want to give him something, so that he knows how much I love him." "He knows." "I know but I need to show him in more ways than one." Joey blushed. "Joey did you?' "Yeah, I did, or rather we did." "So?" "Chris no man I am not discussing my sex life with you" "Come on" "No Chris. No way, it's private, between me and Lance." "How about with me?" A young woman's voice broke into their conversation, it was familiar to Joey but he couldn't place it. "I know you, don't I?" "You should, I'm Michaels sister, you remember Michael don't you?" "Everyday." "Good, you moved on pretty fast, it's only been what?" "Almost two years." Chris replied, he wasn't impressed about this. "Chris don't, I can handle it. I loved him, and he blew his brains out in front of me." "So you say." "It happened and I don't care if you approve or not, I love the man in my life and I refuse to let the past stop me from being happy." "You obviously didn't love Michael." "Really, well he didn't love me either." Joey replied, for the first time he actually believed that, he actually believed what his head was telling him, his heart wasn't arguing. " Joey lets go home, I'm sure James misses you." "Yeah," Joey agreed he wanted to go home to him. Chris led him out of the store and towards the entrance and the car. "Chris, I did the right thing. I did." "I know Joey, I'm proud of you." "Thanks, but I'm more proud of me than you are." "That's good Joey." Chris threw his arm around him, to people passing them it looked really strange, as Chris was so much shorter than the tall Italian. They laughed and joked on the way home, Chris had enjoyed his time with Joey, he was back.

********************88

Nick rolled over and realized that Kevin was gone; he smiled as he moved wincing as he pulled the wrong muscles. He loved being with Kevin it was a dream come true, he loved waking in his arms and in his bed, his scent around him.

"Our bed, Nicky our bed." Kevin said from the door, he knew what Nick was thinking.

"Kev, can we buy our own bed, a bed we pick together?'

"If you want, Nick I would love that, a huge bed with lots of room?"

"Yeah." Nick blushed he smiled at him, beckoning him with his finger to come closer to him.

"What?" Kevin asked as he walked a few steps into the room and stopped.

'Closer I have a secret." Nick whispered, he rolled over so that he was spread across the bed.

"This close enough?" Kevin asked as he stood two feet from the bed, teasing his young lover.

"No, but it'll do."

"Really so what is the secret?"

"I love you."

"Oh I like that secret."

"That's not it."

"What else could there be?"

"I'm pregnant." Nick said with a straight face, he almost laughed when he saw the expression on Kev's face. He had to hide his face in the pillow so as not to laugh.

"Cute dear, cute." Kevin replied as he jumped on the bed, straddling his lover, tickling him.

"You on the bed aren't you?" Nick replied turning to face him laughing, as he reached up to kiss him deeply.

"Nick we don't have time, Brian is coming over."

"So he can amuse himself, I want to fuck my lover."

"Language Nicky."

"I'm nineteen, I think that I'm old enough to swear, and anyway it's the truth."

"Fuck you, I won't fuck you, I will make love to you." Kevin caressed him softly.

"Kevin please hard and fast, I want you in me." Nick pushed him off and flung back the covers showing him his had body, his cock waiting for Kevin to touch him.

"Nick. Why?" Kevin pulled back, he loved him too much to just take him and think nothing of his pleasure.

"Kevin I need you to take me, I need you to fuck me."

"Nick no." Kevin stood and walked away.

"Why?"

"Because I love you, I will not just take you, I won't make love to you that way." Kevin turned to look at him, he wanted him to understand.

"Kevin I want you, I want you so much, please just fuck me."

"NO!"

"Kevin please."

"Nick no, I love you I won't fuck you."

"I'm not made of glass I won't break."

"I will." Kevin muttered, under his breath.

"What?'

"Nick I have to tell you this, I will not take you that way, I will not fuck you I won't take you in a way that is impersonal, I will not."

"Kevin I love you and you love me, if you fuck me I will still know that you love me." Nick tried to reason with him, he crawled over to the edge of the bed; he reached a hand out to him.

"Nick please let it go." Kevin sat beside him, he looked at him, Nick leaned in to kiss him, caressing him over his shirt.

"Nick no." Kevin stood and went to walk away.

"Kevin I understand, I do, please, I won't ask you to fuck me ever again." Nick replied reaching out to him, pleading with him to touch him.

"I love you." Kevin replied kissing him, he caressed his nipples he ran his tongue around playing with Nick's in his own mouth. Nick reached for the hem of his lover's shirt pulling it up, breaking contact with his lips to pull it over his dark head. Kevin smiled as his shirt flew across the room hitting the mirror and sliding to rest on the dresser. They fell back on the bed, Nick rolling him over taking the top position, Kevin knew that his young lover needed to be on top and that he would love what Nick would do to him, he knew what talent his lover had, Nick could bring him to the brink and back again with a soft touch and a look. Nick smiled as he realized Kevin was giving him control, he was letting it go, he never let go it wasn't in his nature.

"Kevin I love you." Nick replied as he flicked open the snap of Kevin's jeans, reaching through to play with him throbbing hardness through the cotton boxers he wore underneath. Kevin arched under him moving towards his hand, craving his touch. "Nick, please let me take them off." Kevin reached for his own jeans, Nick pushed his hands away, he wanted to go at his pace. Nick leaned down shimmying down his body, pulling his jeans with him, leaving the pale blue boxers on. Nick began to lick at the head of his cock through the material, teasing him, torturing him. "Nick, don't tease it's not nice." Kevin groaned, he wanted to feel his warm mouth on him, over him. "But I like to, its fun." Nick purred, as he snaked his hand inside the boxers to play with him, slowly stroking him, pinching his head as he licked at his throbbing balls, through the now damp almost soaked material. Unable to hold off anymore he ripped off Kevin's boxers tearing them off his body before sucking the throbbing cock into his throat, sucking his as he contracted his throat muscles around him, kneading his balls with is hand. Kevin arched as he felt his balls tighten and ready to shoot, but Nick backed off letting him cool down, letting his catch his breath before he climbed over him, straddling his waist and placing his hard weeping cock at his tight ass, he wanted to have his full attention when he joined them. "Kev I need you." Nick whispered licking his nipples he raised his eyebrow giving him a small warning before he sank down over him, sliding Kevin into his hot tight hole in one downward motion. The pain was worth the full feeling.

"Kev, you feel so good, I love when you are in me." Nick rested his head on Kevin's chest; he waited only a few minutes then began to move hard and fast on him, arching bringing the head of Kevin's cock into contact with his prostate with every hard downward movement. Kevin realized that this was what Nick wanted all along and rolled quickly over surprising his young lover. "Nick no, I don't want to Fuck you." Kevin began to pull away. Nick reached and held his arms, linking his ankles behind Kevin's ass, blocking him. "Make love to me then." Nick said, grabbing his head in his hands, leaving his arms free, so that he could kiss him.

"No." Kevin grabbed his lover's arms and broke free of his legs. "Nick I told you that I don't ever want to fuck you, I love you, you agreed to that." He walked away; he couldn't bear to look at him.

"Kevin!" Nick yelled after him, "You loved it, you did." He finished as he fell back on the bed, watching as Kevin walked by dressed in his work out gear. Kevin stopped at the door. "Nick you can have the room, I'll sleep in the spare room."

"Why?"

"Because I can't sleep with you."

"Kevin you love me, I love you, why does it bother you that I like to be fucked and that I want to be fucked by you."

"Because it isn't love, its just sex. I don't want to have sex with you."

"We have sex all the time."

"NO NICK WE MAKE LOVE."

"Kevin you...."

"Say it Nick go on"

"Kevin I love you, I want to be with you, but I won't give up this side of me, I like rough sex, I like to be pounded."

"I won't do that to you."

"Fine I'll find some one else to."

"Do that and we are over." Nick looked up at him, and winced as he saw the look of complete stubbornness on his lovers face.

"Kevin, come on we can work through this."

"How? You are planning on cheating on me the first time that I won't fuck you. I don't think that we have a chance."

"Yes we do."

"How Nick, how?'

"We figure it out, we love each other, I will not throw that away." Nick refused to let it go to ruin the best thing in his life.

"Nick, please respect this one thing."

"I can try, Kevin please let it go for know, sleep with me, hold me and we'll talk in the morning." Nick opened his arms to him, pleading with his eyes for him to join him.

"Here." Kevin threw him a pair of his sweats from the drawer, as he quickly threw his own pair on. Nick put them on and rested against the pillows. He was waiting for Kevin to join him. Kevin laid on the bed beside him, and rested his head on the pillow beside the younger blonds head. "Hold me." Nick rolled over to rest against him; Kevin pulled him into his arms and held him gently against his chest. They would make it; he knew that his father in heaven would see to that.

They slowly fell asleep in their own thoughts and fears, yet not with out their own hopes as well.

Brian picked up the phone and pressed memory six for Howie's number, he waited as the machine picked up. He didn't want to leave a message, but he knew that he should, so he began to talk just talk. "AJ it's me, I love you I want to see you, alone, just you and me, how about a picnic and a swim at the beach. If not then you pick where we go, just us so we can talk, I really want to talk to you, I can't do this with a machine even if you don't want to see me, call. Please." Brian hung up, he was hoping that he would call, he never even realized that he was late for Kevin's he wanted to be home incase his lover called, he was ready at least he thought he was ready.

"Brian?" A voice called out from the patio, he wasn't sure who it was, but it sounded like his oldest friend, Anni.

"In here." Brian called from the dark living room.

"In the dark, so what happened?" The petite red head said as he flicked on the lights, and sat beside him, he was trying so hard to hold in the tears, she knew he talked about it. The only thing that he had never told her.

"Brian?"

"He moved out."

"Why?"

"I told him."

"Told him what?"

"Everything, I mean everything. The whole truth."

"About?

"Tony, you knew Anni, you knew and you never said anything to me about it, you never made me talk about it."

"You weren't ready, so how did he take it?'

"He wants to hurt Tony,"

"So do I but hey he deserves it."

"I don't want to hear this." Brian looked away from her.

"Why? Brian he hurt you, and AJ loves you so much that it hurts him he couldn't protect you, he can only express his pain as anger."

"I know that but I have to deal with this in my way, I need to talk to him."

"So call him."

"I already did."

"Call again."

"Why so that it can hurt when he won't talk to me."

"No so that he can see your love." Anni replied as she handed him the phone and pushed him to dial, he eyes watching him as he pressed the right buttons, he knew that she wouldn't give up until he did what she said, the fact that it was what he wanted to do in the first place wasn't a terrible thing either.

"Alex are you there, I love you, I need to see you."

"Brian tell him."

"Alex I want to hurt him to, but I can't because if I do than I'm like him, that's why it scares me, I can feel that way about him, I can want to hurt him, I can want to kill him, that makes me a bad person. A person that doesn't deserve your love." Brian stopped to gather his breath and stop the tears from falling. "Brian I love you to, I do, I need to see you." AJ's voice came over the phone, he was sitting on the couch with Howie holding his hand, he was so afraid that this was a ploy to get him to come home.

"Where?"

"The beach in half an hour."

"Kay, AJ to let you know I want you to come home, but if you don't want to that is fine." Brian bit his lip to stop the tears.

"Brian let them go, please." AJ whispered.

"Maybe latter." Brain replied, looking over at Anni.

"See you soon." AJ said, as he hung up. He looked over at Howie and half smiled, he was scared and feeling really unsure about all of this. "I'll go with you." Howie smiled at him, for the first time in along time he was seeing his best friend scared and insecure it was not a thing, which he enjoyed.

"Anni, can you go with me?"

"Yeah Brian I can, it'll do you good to have a person there if you don't get what you want."

"I love him, I need him to hold me at night I can't sleep otherwise." He confessed.

************8

The sun was setting when the four of them arrived, the two men saw each other and realized how much they had really missed one another, Howie took Anni's arm and led her down the beach away from the couple, she was a nice girl, when she had first met them it fell to him to entertain her as the happy sappy couple was being well all happy and sappy. They had gotten close and yet not close as she refused to let any man into her heart, or even her confidence unless it was Brian.

"I love you," Brian sat a few feet away from AJ, not wanting to scare him or make him uncomfortable.

"I know that you do,"

"Alex I need to let this go, before I turn out like him."

"You could never be like him."

" I want to hurt him, that makes me like him."

"NO that makes you human."

"Human?'

"Bri, it is normal to be mad at him, he took something that wasn't his and destroyed it."

"He took something from you."

"No Brian, god No, he took it from you, I never owned it, I would never have owned it."

"What?"

"Brian when we made love for the first time, it was my first everything, and when I said that I was giving myself to you, do you remember what you said?"

"No."

"You told me that I was me and that my gift of sharing myself with you was just that a gift that I would always be me, and that you would never own me."

"I meant it."

"Then know that I mean this, I am not mad that he took your virginity from me but that he took it from you in a way that hurt you."

"Alex why do you want to hurt him?'

"To teach him that love is not about hurting, that love is about just that love."

"Love?'

"The feeling I have when I see you."

"Like when I hear your voice even on a cd I get butterflies in my stomach, I get nervous when we go out, even to this day."

"You do?"

"Oh god yes, I love you, I need you in my life."

"I need you to, but.."

"But you have to figure out what is happening to us?"

"No, Bri, I need to make sure that my anger is not going to scare you, that my frustration at having my hands tied is eating me inside, I am mad that I couldn't protect you."

"You didn't know, god Alex, you didn't know. I love that you want to protect me, but I have to protect myself."

"I know."

"Alex, I want to ask you this, but I know that you will say no, I understand, you aren't ready and I can live with that."

"I can't live with you yet, we aren't there yet. Brian you aren't telling me everything and I'm not telling you everything."

"I know, I guess we have to get to know each other all over again."

"Yeah."

"I miss you."

"I miss you to Bri." AJ smiled at him, he leaned over to hug him and just held on for dear life. They both realized that as much as they missed each other they were not ready to be alone in their house with each other.

"Go out with me tomorrow." AJ said, as he pulled back from him, Brian looked up at him, and nodded, he wanted to see him and talk to him.

"AJ I don't want you to hide your feelings from me." He whispered.

"Are you sure I don't want to scare you."

" AJ I have to deal with it at some point you will get mad and you will get angry that will never change." Brian looked shyly at him, he wasn't fully prepared to see it but he knew he had to face it at some point.

"Brian one step at a time." AJ compromised, taking his hand and walking over to where their friends stood. Howie and Anni watched as they walked hand in hand over to them. "He loves him." Howie smiled at them.

"Yes he does and sometimes I think that he scares Brian with how much he does love him." Anni replied she watched as her best friend was still holding parts of himself away from AJ, the parts that made him Brian.

"We're ready to go know." Brian said as they walked up to them, neither willing to pull away first. Finally Anni pulled Brian to the car, she was tired and wanted to enjoy a soak in his jet tub.

Justin paced through the halls he was waiting for her to come out of her room so that he could see her. He had missed her so much that he was snapping at people, he needed her, she was his foundation, the one person that he could talk to about Josh and everything that was going on. He could be a child with her; he could act his age and not have to be so mature and together. It was fun to be with her. He stopped in mid stride as she entered the hall; she was beautiful, standing there in a pair of cute blue hip huggers and a pale cream peasant blouse. She had her long coal black hair pulled away from her face fastened with a jade clip, the one he bought for her. The pants hugged her tall legs and made them seem like the never stopped, she was the most precious thing in his life and she wasn't even his.

The end for know.....

Raven. Send all comments to purpleraven81@hotmail.com