If You Knew

If You Knew Eight

Disclaimers.. If you don't know this why are you here? Just a question...

Notes.. There are none.

Howie rolled out of his bed; well he thought it was his bed until he hit the floor. Sitting up he realized that he fell asleep at the kitchen counter, and had no memory of what happened or how he fell asleep there in the first place. Looking up his eyes caught the empty tequila bottles on the counter and it all came back to him; all of it.

"Oh no Kevin and Nick" He muttered to himself as he remembered what he said to them last night, he knew better. Picking up the phone he dialed the number hoping that Nick would talk to him.

"Hello?" Nick answered the phone, "Nick its Howie, please don't hang up on me." Howie said quickly before his friend could hang up.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"I'm sorry, I know that Kevin told you, I wanted to apologize, but I know that my having a bad day is no excuse."

"You're right Howie.' Nick agreed, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why do you always say those things to me when you are drunk."

"I don't know maybe because you don't fight back."

"Howie I love you, but you have to not do that anymore."

" I know."

"Howie, come over for supper."

"Nick are you sure?"

"Yeah you need to talk, and Kevin is here.."

"And we all run to him."

"Yeah."

"Nick do you love him?"

"More than my own life." Nick replied, looking over at Kevin as he came out of the shower.

"Nick go kiss him good morning I'll be over latter." Howie said, half smiling, he wanted them to be happy, he wanted to be happy, but he knew in his soul that she was pregnant with Josh's baby and that he would have to tour with him.

Howie quickly stood, grabbing his head as the dizziness set in; he stumbled to the shower and tried to make himself more alive. I love her, and she sleeps with him, and he's my friend yet he sleeps with her. Those two thoughts race through his head, over and over. He tried to make some sense out of them. Howie grabbed a clean outfit and grabbed his keys as he headed out the door, he wanted to talk to Josh he needed to.

Josh answered his door half awake in his robe. "Howie," he said surprised backing away slightly.

"Josh I won't hit you." Howie tried to reassure him.

" Really?" Josh asked incredulously, turning so that Howie could see the black eye that he gave him. "Josh I'm sorry, it really hurt."

"I know but I had to tell you."

"Josh, I wanted to hurt someone and you were there." Howie tried to explain.

"So you hit me?"

"Yeah, then I got drunk."

"You got drunk?"

"Yeah,"

"Howie you never drink, you are a nasty drunk."

"I know, I called Kevin and attacked them."

"Howie, I don't think that we should be on tour together."

"We have no choice, we have to and that means that we have to work this out." Howie tried to reason with him.

"Come in." Josh opened the door further, letting him decide if he wanted to come in. Howie decided to finish or rather start this conversation. Howie followed him into the house; he really didn't know where this was going. "I love her." Howie said, as he sat down, he was so quite.

"So do I." Josh said, he looked at him, afraid that he would hit him again.

"I won't hit you, you could be the father of her child."

"She told you?"

"Yeah, she let it slip, because she thought you had already told me."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"Why are you sorry?"

"We both love her, but she loves you, I lose."

"No you don't."

"What?"

"I love her, but not as much as I love you." Josh whispered.

"Love me."

"Howie I have loved you since the day that I met you, but I was captured by her charisma."

"You love me?"

"Yes."

"You know that I'm straight."

"Yes, but you can't control a heart."

" I know that."

" Howie, I understand that you are probably shocked and a little appalled at the idea."

" Josh, I understand, but I can't stop feeling like this."

" I know, but I needed to tell you."

"I get that, give me sometime to come to terms with all of this."

"I will." Josh agreed, he smiled at him tentively. "We try to fix our friendship?"

"We have to we are touring together." Howie replied, he looked at his watch, "I have to go, I have to talk to AJ."

"Go."

AJ watched as Brian slept, he was so far away from him that he could feel the space as though it was the whole continent of Europe. Usually Brian would cuddle to him through the night, there was many a morning on the bus that he would wake and find Brian on him, in some form or another. The guys, used to joke that they could eliminate one of the bunks because Brian always ended up beside him, even when they were fighting in the beginning. Looking back he regretted the fights that they had, the stupid little things, like Brian wanting his own room in the hotels. But now that he knew it all made sense, this didn't however.

"Are you looking at me again?" Brian asked as he rolled over, his blue eyes catching AJ's. He looked away as he saw the hurt there, he never wanted to hurt him but he was.

"Yeah, I love looking at you," AJ replied, leaning in to kiss him, Brian flinched, as he saw the movement out of the corner of his eye. AJ pulled back as though he had been hit.

"Brian..."

"Alex I'm sorry," Brian interrupted.

"No, don't apologize." AJ said, as he climbed out of bed, "I scare you I get that."

"Alex it's not that you scare me, it's that I scare myself."

"You scare yourself."

"I don't want to hurt you, but I can't stop it."

"You don't mean to."

"That may be but I am, I really need to think, and decide if this is going to work."

"What?"

"Alex I love you, but I hurt you each time I pull away, I hurt you by not cuddling last night, I hurt you by being unable to be touched."

"Brian we made love."

"I know, but it was wrong. I haven't dealt with the fact that my virginity was stolen from me."

"I know, I can help you."

"No you can't. It wasn't just stolen from me, it was stolen from you."

"Brian I love you it doesn't matter to me."

"But it does to me." Brian tried to explain. He didn't know how to explain it to his lover, but it was there between them and until he could grasp the idea that Brian was not upset for himself, well at least not wholly, he wouldn't be able to heal. "When are you leaving for your appointment?"

"At nine, I'll see you at the studio."

"Kay. I love you Alexander James."

"I know." AJ replied quietly, he didn't know how to help him and it seemed that his trying was hurting them more than if he didn't. AJ climbed into the shower he only had an hour to get to his appointment.

"Brian, I'm leaving." AJ called out as he left, knowing that he wouldn't answer him anyway, it had only been three days yet they were strangers living in the same house. The drive was a short one, as he sped most of the way.

"Hello, I have an appointment with Chandra." AJ smiled at the young receptionist.

"Yes she's been expecting you."

"Thank you." AJ moved to enter her office, as the young girl motioned him forward.

"AJ right?"

"Yeah Chandra?"

"Yeah, have a seat." She motioned the chair, across from her, it was a large recliner, she was a firm believer in being comfortable, and the chair was that.

"Thanks." AJ replied unable to look at her.

"You aren't looking at me." She called him on it; she also refused to help people who wouldn't look at her.

" I know."

"Well if we are going to talk then you are going to look at me."

"What?"

"You are going to look at me." Chandra said, her voice hard leaving no room to disagree.

"Okay, I'm looking at you, now what?"

"We talk."

"About?"

"You tell me."

"I love him, and he is pushing me away." AJ said, looking right at her as though to say, come on and help me.

"Why is he pushing you away?"

" He doesn't want to hurt me."

"Hurt you?"

"He was attacked a long time ago, and he just told me about it, we made love the night he told me, but I could feel him moving away from me latter that night."

"How so?"

"He was less affectionate, and he was having nightmares, he didn't tell me about them."

"How did you find out?"

"I woke and he was having one, I usually sleep soundly, but not that night, and then I heard him talking to a friend of ours about them."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Angry, that he wouldn't come to me, I mean he is supposed to tell me these things."

"Why?"

"We love each other, and that means you don't keep things from each other."

"Are you mad that he didn't tell you about the attack before?"

"No."

"But you just said that couples don't keep things from each other."

"I didn't mean that."

"But you said that,"

"I know, I don't feel mad at him for keeping it from me,"

"But?"

"I wish that he hadn't told me."

"Why?"

"It makes him different."

"How?"

" I don't know it just does."

"You have to know if you said it."

"Why do I have to know everything?" AJ yelled standing he turned to hit the door.

"You hit that and I bill you for the damages."

"I need to hit something, and I can't hit the bastard."

"Bastard?'

"The guy who hurt Brian."

"Why can't you hit him?"

"I promised Brian that I wouldn't."

'You promised him something like that?"

"Yeah I had to, I love him."

"You had to?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I love him and I want to make him happy, I don't want him to leave me."

"Why would he leave you?'

"I'm not good enough."

"How?"

"If I don't love him enough he will leave me."

"Why do you think that?"

"My dad did."

"Brian isn't your father."

"I know, but he could leave me."

"He would never leave you."

"How can you say that, you don't know that?"

"How are you so sure that he will?"

"He could."

"So you love him and give him everything at your expense?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are angry. Can you show that in front of Brian?"

"No, it would upset him."

"So when do you show it?"

"I don't"

"AJ that is not healthy, I want you to take a night every week and go to a gym hit the punching bag and let the anger out."

"What do I tell him?'

"The truth, he doesn't need to be babied."

"What if he can't handle it?"

"Then he doesn't. If he loves you then it won't matter."

"You think?"

"AJ you love him and that means that he is important to you, his happiness and everything that goes with it, why would it be different to him?"

"I guess you are right?"

"I hope so, or those degrees are worthless." Chandra replied pointing over her shoulder. She glanced down at her watch they had been, talking for an hour and a half the appointment was only for an hour. "AJ you are late for your next appointment."

"Oh shit, sorry."

'Don't be."

"Go I'll see you in a few days."

"Thanks."

"No thanks necessary." Chandra pushed him out the door.

"Where is he?"

"Brian he'll be here."

"Yeah right he is leaving me" Brian replied looking at Kevin with tears in his eyes, he was really afraid that he was leaving him. Kevin pulled him into his arms and let him cry.

"Brian." AJ rushed to him as he walked into the room to find him crying. He pulled him out of Kevin's arms, and hugged him close.

"Alex?"

"I'm here, I'm here."

"Oh good I thought that you left me."

"Never." AJ replied, hugging him to him, letting his actions show how much he loved him. "I love you."

"I love you to." Brian kissed him gently on the lips; he wanted to show his love with his actions.

"We need to work."

"Alex?"

"Brian please I need to be normal for awhile."

"We aren't normal?"

"Brian we are normal, but this is not normal."

"I'm not normal?'

"Brian please don't put words in my mouth."

"I'm not they are coming out of your mouth."

"Brian I don't mean it the way you are taking it."

"Really?" Brian replied his voice hard and unforgiving.

"Brian I love you, but you are the one pushing me away, how do you expect me to react?" AJ fired right back at him.

"You are supposed to love me."

"I do, but you are pushing me away not the other way around."

" You know why."

"No I don't."

"I told you."

"No you told me that you don't want to hurt me, but guess what you are." AJ yelled at him as he stormed out of the room. Everyone stared after him AJ never lost his temper and her never yelled Brian, he loved him.

"Brian are you okay?" Kevin asked.

"No, he hates me now, he has never yelled at me."

"Brian he's upset."

"Really. Kevin when we started dating and I would say things to get him mad he never yelled at me."

"Brian he's trying to deal with a lot and he needs you to understand that he needs to be with you." Kevin tried to reason with him.

"Kevin go home."

"Brian.."

"Go Howie's coming over remember."

"Brian talk to him. Listen to him." Kevin tried to get through to his cousin, before he lost his soul mate; he only hoped that he listened to him.

Brian walked down the hall towards the studio, he stopped at the door as he heard AJ, his voice was so full of anger and pain that he hardly recognized him. AJ was belting out the lyrics and he was putting so much emotion into them that the producer was going to let him go after he finished.

"AJ go home you are done."

"Thanks." AJ replied his voice soft as he tried to hide the pain he was feeling inside.

"Alex can we talk?"

"Brian why, it doesn't help. I'm going to stay with Howie, I called him already he said that it was okay."

"You are running away from me?"

"No. I'm running to save myself." AJ replied.

"To save yourself?"

"Brian I have so much anger built up inside that I want to hit something."

"Me?"

"No oh God don't ever think that."

"I make you mad."

"No. I make myself mad."

"How so?"

"I want to hurt him, and that scares you, so I get mad that I am hurting you."

"Alex I know that you are mad at him, but hurting him will not help anything."

"It will make me feel better."

"How?"

"I don't know it just will."

"Alex don't leave me."

"I have to until I can get a perspective on this and until you are ready to live with me."

"I want to live with you."

"No you want to share a house with me."

"Alex.."

"Brian don't please, let this happen." AJ turned to walk away.

"You don't love me." Brian said quietly, AJ walked away he knew that he didn't mean it. But that he said it hurt and he would hate himself for walking away. Brian watched him walk away from him and hated that he pushed him away, but it was for the best.

Howie left the door open for AJ as he wasn't sure when he was going to arrive and he needed to shower, after his hike. It helped to clear his head, a good thing, especially if he was going to be dealing with a distraught AJ. He climbed into the shower hoping that the warm water would sooth his nerves.

AJ walked into the house, as he knew that his friend was in the shower, he was exhausted from the scene that Brian had put them through at the house. He pleaded with him not to leave, but AJ stood firm, he wasn't going to lose the love of his life because neither of them would admit that they needed to be apart.

"AJ you okay?"

"No, not really, but first are you?"

"Why do you ask?"

"You didn't come over yesterday."

"I wasn't up to it."

"Why?"

"You tell me why you are here instead of with Brian and I'll tell you my story."

"Not right now I need to not think about it."

"So do I. But I have to go to supper at Kevin and Nick's"

"You go I'll be fine."

"Are you sure, I sure that they wouldn't mind if you came."

"Yes they would. Kevin will kill me for hurting Brian."

"He'll understand."

"Really, well that makes one of us."

"AJ come with me."

"No. I need to think and I do that best when I'm alone, you know that." Howie nodded he wanted to push but he could tell from his stance that AJ wasn't in the mood to be pushed.

"Kay." Howie said pulling on his sandals, "you take it easy."

" I will give them my love and tell Kev, that I'm sorry."

"I will." Howie replied as he walked out the door leaving him alone with his thoughts and fears. He began to question the validity of his actions. He sat alone in the quite house the lights off as he pondered his actions and what possessed him to take them. The phone ringing shook him back to reality, "hello?"

"Alex I miss you." Brian's southern voice came over the phone.

"Bri, I miss you to, but we both know that this is for the best."

"No it's not, I don't know that."

"Brian please,"

"Come home."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Brian please try to understand."

"Tell me."

"Brian all I want is to protect you, and I couldn't. I can't hurt him because I said that I wouldn't when all I want is to track him down and castrate him."

"Alex, it won't help matters."

" I know that, but I that doesn't make the feeling go away."

"And being with me makes it worse?"

"Brian please, I need to think, clear my head."

"I miss you."

"I love you." AJ said before he hung up the phone, the tears were threating to fall.

Howie knocked on the door and waited for his friends to open it and let him in.

"Hey come on in." Kevin opened the door, " you don't have to knock."

"I didn't feel right just coming in, at least not until I apologize to Nick."

"Well come in he's in the kitchen." Kevin closed the door knowing that Howie would wait for him, as he couldn't face Nick with out him, and that out of all of them Nick was the one that he was the most worried about hurting.

"He'll be fine, he knows that you didn't mean it." Kevin said to him hoping to sooth his worries. Howie looked back at him, he knew what Kevin was trying to do, what he always did. "Kev, let me talk to him alone." Howie said, quietly, he wanted to face his mistakes on his own.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, you won't always be here to protect and sooth our fights." Howie tried to explain, "I don't" "Yes you do." Nick said coming out of the kitchen, " Honey I love you but you are always protecting me especially."

"It's because I love you."

"Not the whole time."

"I promised your mom."

"Well my mom even lets me handle my own life." Nick teased.

"Okay I'll be on the patio, I need to talk to Brian anyway."

"Oh Kev, AJ said he was sorry."

"About?"

"Talk to Brian."

"Kay." Kevin looked worried.

"Go." Nick pushed him out the door, before turning to Howie.

Howie followed him into the kitchen where Nick was cooking a vegetarian stir-fry. He didn't know where to start, so he was trying to find the words to explain why he acted the way he did last night.

"You could just apologize." Nick's quite voice said breaking him out of his thoughts.

"I am you know."

"I know, why?"

"I was drunk, and mad at Dakota."

"Why?"

"She's, she was sleeping with Josh."

"Oh Howie how are you?"

"Great, really I am Josh and I talked, we are okay, I hit him though so when we see him on Monday he will probably have a back eye."

"You hit Josh?"

"Yeah I was and, and he was there."

" So you talked to him after?"

"This morning."

"And?"

"He loves her, and me."

"He loves both of you, that is fucked."

"Yeah in a way, he turned to her because he couldn't have me, and ended up falling for her."

"Oh."

"She might be pregnant."

"Is it yours?"

"No we always use protection."

"So it's Josh's"

"If she is pregnant yeah."

"Howie I understand why you said what you said, but it still hurts."

"I know, I wish that I could take it all back."

"Why did you call?"

"Dakota had just called me, and I wanted to hurt someone, it was to late to drive over and beat Josh, so I dialed Kevin"

"Why?"

"I needed to yell at someone and he lets me." Howie explained, he wanted to tell him more but he couldn't they all protected Nick from that side of themselves.

"Howie I'm not a kid anymore."

" I know, I do but it's second nature to protect you."

"Why do you all hide parts of yourselves from me."

"We didn't want to scare you anymore than you were."

"What do you mean?"

"Nick when we started this you were 13, and your mom sent you with us."

"Denise was there."

"Yeah but she wasn't your mom. Kevin felt he had to protect you and we helped him, when we fought we hid it from you."

"Why would you do that?"

"We wanted you to have a good time." Kevin said from behind him, he was trying to rationalize something that was ridiculous.

"Guys I love touring, and I loved it then. You are my family and families fight."

"Looking back it was wrong, but we wanted you to have fun and not have to worry about one of us hitting another one."

"What do you mean?"

"AJ and I threw a few punches one night on the bus, Kevin pulled us apart before we woke you."

"Brian was with me."

"Yeah, hiding from the violence." Kevin said, he looked at him as though asking him with his eyes to let him hold the younger man in his arms. Nick walked over to him and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"You should go talk to AJ."

"Why?'

"Brian just called him."

"Oh no. He wanted to be alone, I will let him be for now."

"He moved out." Kevin informed Nick as he saw the question in his eyes.

"Why?"

"He wanted to clear his head, he needed to come to terms with his anger." Howie tried to explain, he didn't know if they would understand.

"I get it." Nick smiled. Kevin stopped and looked at him "explain it to me and Brian then."

"AJ is angry at the man who hurt Brian, he wants to hurt him and knowing Brian he made AJ promise not to." Nick looked to Kevin for confirmation, Kevin nodded.

"He wants to hurt him and not being able to makes it worse, he is mad, and he doesn't want to lose control in front of Brian and scare him."

"He left him though."

"Brian had been pushing him away."

"How do you know that?" Kevin turned on Howie.

"AJ told me."

"Oh."

"Kevin he hurting and he wants to help Brian but him being angry and unable to express that anger isn't helping him, and Brian pushing him away is not either."

"I know that, I just want them to be happy."

"They will, when Brian and him work through all of this." Nick tried to sooth him, he loved his dark brooding man, but sometimes he was worried that his constant worrying was going to give him an ulcer.

"I'm fine, what's for supper."

"Food." Nick replied, laughing.

"Cute dear, I thought it was you."

"Hey single straight man in the room." Howie tried to stop the banter before he learned too much. He knew that Nick was an adult but having it thrown in his face in the context of him having wild sticky sex with Kevin was more than he could deal with.

"Sorry." Nick pulled him into a hug. "It's okay." Howie smiled pulling away and pushing him into Kevin's waiting arms. "Let's eat." Kevin pulled them to the counter so that they could eat. They spent the next hour laughing and having a normal evening.

Howie opened his door to find AJ sitting there in the dark tears streaming down his face; he had been like that for over half an hour. He was alone and angry at God and everything. He was so mad that God had let some bastard hurt his soul mate; he wanted to lash out at everything, and everyone.

"AJ are you okay?'

"No, leave me alone."

"AJ I'm your friend and that means that I'm here for you, I love you and I'm not leaving you."

"I left him, I hurt him I never wanted to hurt him."

"You needed to give yourself some time to understand what happened."

"I want to find him and kill him, I want to hurt him the way he hurt Brian."

"AJ you want to go find him, go do it, but don't expect Brian to be there when you're done."

"I know, I have this anger and it won't go away."

"So hit the pillow beside you."

"What?"

"Hit the soft pillow it won't hit back and it won't hurt you."

"Chandra said that I should go to a gym and beat the punching bag."

"We will you and me tomorrow, I need it to."

"Kay..." AJ paused for a second, "Howie I know that this is probably going to be too weird for you but could I sleep with you tonight?"

"Yeah, just keep those hands to yourself, or I won't be responsible for the funeral."

"Whose mine?"

"No mine after Brian kills me." Howie replied making AJ laugh. It was nice to hear him laugh.

Josh sat at his piano, and played his favorite song, Drive myself crazy, he was trying to figure out his feelings and if he as ready to deal with being a parent, especially with Dakota. He didn't even hear Chris as he came in, at least not until he touched his shoulder, it amazed Josh how a person who was so hyper all the time could manage to be so quite when he wanted to.

"Josh how are you?" Chris asked, he was worried about his friend, it was normal for Josh to sit alone in his house, but he usually wasn't avoiding contact with the rest of them. He hadn't even picked up the phone today; he let the machine answer it.

"Fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm just thinking."

"Now Josh what did I tell you about thinking?"

"I forget," Josh played along.

"You need supervision, as it could cause a nuclear melt down."

"I know, but this is a one person thinking job."

"Josh you can talk to me."

"Really is this the psychiatrist coming out?"

"Probably."

"Chris all I need is a friend, one who will leave me alone until I figure out how I'm feeling about everything."

"Kay, after that?"

"When I figure it out, I'll let you know."

"Alright I guess that I can handle that, but you call me anytime."

"I will." Josh crossed his heart and promised his friend, showing him that he would be okay. As much as Chris wanted to force him to talk he had to hold himself back, Josh was his friend and that meant the world to him, he was the grounded one and that kept him sane.

The end for now....

Raven

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