If You Knew

Disclaimers: This is FANTASY. Meaning it is not real.. The BSB are not to my knowledge gay, therefore don't believe every thing that you read.

NOTES: I broke them... sorry.

Chapter Two

Denise wiped her eyes as she hung up the phone. Harold had just told her the bare facts not all of it. But it was enough for her, to cry. Her own heart felt as though it was ripped out.

"Mom" AJ came up behind her "are you okay?"

"Yeah baby I am. How's Brian?"

"I don't know he won't talk to me." AJ shrugged, looking helplessly towards him.

"Go get him lunch is ready." She shooed her baby out the door. She put on a happy face when they came back in not letting on that anything had upset her. AJ pulled him into the kitchen.

"Denise I'm not really hungry."

"It's mom. I think that you'll want this. Bon Appetite." She placed a huge heaping plate of Kraft diner in front of him, with a small chicken breast on the side.

"You didn't have to."

"Yes I did. You love it, and he doesn't" She pointed at her son. As he sat eating his steamed rice and chicken.

"Thanks." Brian smiled at her. "Mom, do you mind if we cut this short." AJ said, not looking at Brian. "No of course not. you to go spend some alone time together." Denise smiled at them. "You have another four months off." She said cutting Brian short. They finished their lunch, and she shooed them out the door.

They climbed into AJ's jeep, and headed towards their home. "AJ lets' go see Kev." Brian suggested. "You want to?"

"Yeah I do." Brian answered, not able to look him in the eye, "we don't have to though if you don't want to."

"Brian you want to, let's I'd like to see him anyway." AJ smiled at him, taking his hand in his, hoping that his touch would bring him back to him. "Thanks" Brian whispered.

"You don't have to say thanks." AJ said, he looked over at him and opened his mouth, "if you want. I'll drop you off and come get you latter." AJ said.

"You don't want to visit Kevin do you?" Brain attacked.

"What. I want to, but if you want to spend time with your cousin alone that is fine to."

"Oh!"

"Brain what were you thinking just now?"

"About?"

"What I just said?"

"Nothing."

"Brian please be honest with me, you've been distant lately, ever since we got home."

"Have I?"

"We have to talk about what's bothering you."

"AJ. I'm fine really."

"You called me AJ."

"I did?"

"Yeah. Brian you haven't called me AJ since before we got together."

"It doesn't mean that I don't love you."

"Three years Bri. Three years."

"I'm sorry."

"Bri, I want to know why you are so distant with me. Why every time I bring it up you change the subject, or shut me out."

"Latter."

"Fine" AJ replied turning into Kevin's house, he put the jeep in park and unbuckled his seatbelt. Climbed out of the jeep and headed off towards the beach, slamming the door behind him.

Brian sat there, crying, tears streaming down his face, afraid that he lost him, knowing that he had lost the love of his live. The tears fell unnoticed until Kevin seeing AJ on the beach came out to see if Brian was out side. Seeing Bri crying in the jeep, Kevin walked quickly over to him. Tapping on the window as he tried to open it and it was locked. Brian never even noticed him there.

"Brian!" he yelled, causing his cousin to look at him through the jeep window. Kevin motioned for him to get out of the jeep, and come into the house. Brian nodded as Kevin moved away so the opening door wouldn't hit him.

"I'm losing him."

"How?"

"I don't know."

"Brian, you do know."

"Kev?"

"Tony."

"No. You can't know about that."

"Harold told m, before you joined us."

"No! No! No1" Brian sobbed falling to his knees in the paved drive.

"Brian" Kevin kneeled beside him.

"You can't tell Alex. He can't ever know" Brian pleaded.

"You have to tell him, he has a right to know." Kevin said looking past him towards AJ standing at the corner of the house, telling him with his eyes to stay there.

"No. He'll never understand. He'll look at me differently."

"Tell him Brian. It'll help you both."

"How?"

"Just say it."

"What. That my first boyfriend used me as a punching bag, then raped me." Brian cried, tears falling freely, he didn't hear the gasp that came out of AJ's lips.

"Bri?' AJ kneeled next to his lover.

"You heard?"

"Yeah."

"So do it."

"What?"

"Break up with me."

"Why?"

"I'm weak and."

"And you are the man that I love." AJ cut him off. "Brian Thomas Littrell I love you. We will get thorough this. We will, I would never leave you because some as hole hurt you." He smiled holding out his hand to him. "You still want me?" Brian asked.

"Yes. I'll always want you." AJ replied hugging him close.

"Guys lets' go inside." Kevin suggested, they both nodded as AJ pulled Brian to his feet, and walked with him into the house behind Kevin.

Kevin ushered them into his den. "Talk" he commanded leaving them alone.

"Tell me please" AJ asked holding his hand out for Brian to take, he closed it around Bri's hoping that he felt comfortable, looking deep in to is eyes he tried to show him the love there.

"Just let me tell it. All of it. please don't interrupt." AJ nodded his agreement. Brian pulled his hand away, standing he wanted to be moving when he told this story.

"I was eighteen, and out of the closet. My mom wasn't talking to me; she couldn't look me in the eye. Dad refused to believe it, and Harold just accepted me. Tony was his friend, I was captivated by him. Raised a good southern Baptist, and yet sure enough about who he was to not care what anyone said about him. I thought that by being with him I would feel safe and secure. It didn't happen."

Brian stopped gathering his thoughts, and shooting a glance at AJ, he was still there. "We had been going out for a month when he began pressuring me to have sex with him. Harold knew something was wrong and he began to hang out with us more and more. I was living with him then." He stopped again, trying to find a save place in his mind to sit in before he continued. If he was telling him then he was hearing the whole truth. He wanted to fell safe and the safest place he would think of was in AJ's arms.

"Hold me?" He whispered, sitting beside him, on the small love seat. AJ opened his arms and pulled Brian up to rest against his chest, next to his heart. "We were together for five months, my mom told me that until I stopped sinning I was not welcome in her house. I loved with him. He said no strings attached, and I believed him. He was nice enough, and when we got together things were great until I realized that things had to be his way or I was not good enough. Little things like leaving the conditioner on the edge of the tub got me smacked. I started out like play fighting, but then it got worse. I was wearing long sleeve shirts to school, and hiding bruises from Harold. I was ashamed that I let him hit me, but I needed him at least I believed that I needed him. He never hit my face or anything, but he hit me all the same." AJ hugged him tighter, and refused to let go. "Harold found out when he saw me walk out of the shower, Tony had left a bruise on my right breast bone. Seeing him there I cried and told him everything, that he had been hurting me four four months, and I did nothing about it. Harold told me that he would be back the next day to put me on a plane to Orlando and you guys. I agreed, I guess actually saying it out loud made me want to leave." Brian stopped, as Kevin knocked on the door, peaking his head into the room. "Coffee anything?" he asked. AJ looked at Brian who shook his head. "No man, were fine." He replied leaning his head against Brian's. "Kay." Kevin smiled at them. At least they were in each other's arms.

"Alex, before I tell you this part. Promise me that you will abide by my wishes."

"I promise." AJ replied, tightening his arms around Brian.

"Okay. That night I was sleeping in my room, we hadn't had sex yet, he could hit me, but forcing me was something that wasn't in his plan apparently until that night. He came into my room, l knew then what was going to happen." Brian squeezed AJ's hand, trying to reassure him that it was going to be fine that he was okay that he survived. When he felt AJ's arms tighten around him he forced himself to carry on. "Held me down and forced himself on me, it hurt and I wanted to cry I didn't. I kept in my mind and let him brutally use me three times; I kept thinking that I would be gone the next day. I just lay there until he left me. I let him!" Brian sobbed. he had never told any one that, and he had never cried.

" I LOVE YOU!" Was all that AJ could say, all that he wanted to say? He ran his fingers through Brian's hair, and down his back rubbing in small circles as his lover sobbed in his arms.

"How can you love me?" He finally asked pulling away from him.

"When I met you. I saw a shy boy who loved to sing, but after Nick broke down the wall I realized that you weren't shy, but rather reserved. I wanted to get to know you; I always knew that I was gay. I always knew that even though I loved Amanda, I was going to have the love of my life with another guy. I feel for you when you decided to tell us you were gay. When you told your mother that she could accept it or not" AJ replied. He smiled at Brian as he took his hand and placed it on his heart "this is yours."

"Promise me that you will let this go."

"I can'. I want us to talk to somebody about all of this, so we can work through it together."

"I..... I"

"You don't want to."

"No. I'm afraid of you not being able to handle, not being able to hurt him."

"So I'll find other ways to deal with it. Brian I want to hurt him put him in pain for what he did to you. For all that he took from us."

"Council ling?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, but on one condition."

"Okay."

"After one session if I don't like it we quit."

"Give it a week."

"Okay one week." Brian agreed. "We should talk to Kevin." he stood and headed to the door. He stopped and held his hand out for AJ.

"He'll understand, he loves you." AJ tried to sooth him. They both figured that Kevin was in the kitchen so they headed there, not finding him however. His keys were gone.

"Alex I found a list over here>"

"So?"

"Come look."

"Why?"

"You'll be surprised." Brian handed it to him over the counter.

• Loves me

• He's Smart

• Fun to be around

• He makes me smile

• Makes me let go

• Makes me feel alive

• He's eighteen.

• Age difference

• Calls me old man

• Can't cook

• People won't approve

• His parents will want me dead

• I LOVE HIM

AJ looked at Brian, he began to laugh as they both realized where Brian's cousin had gone. His shoes were beside the door, so that meant Kevin had grabbed his keys and just left.

"He was in a hurry huh?"

"Yeah he must have wanted to get the kid. At lest Nick told him."

"What?"

"Nick has loved Kevin since he was sixteen. I guess he finally told him."

"Nick's gay?"

"Yeah."

"So's Kevin?'

"No he's bi, he was going to get married remember."

"So Howie's the only one who's straight."

"Yep. The only one."

"Kevin's never been with a guy."

"Lance."

"They never kissed in front of us."

"So."

"When?"

"Before you told me that you loved me."

"Oh!"

Brian reached out over the counter to his face "tear" he said as AJ caught his hand kissing each of his fingers before sucking his index into his mouth.

"Home?"

"Yeah" AJ replied walking around the counter, keeping his hand with Brian's. Together they wrote a note to Kevin thanking him, before they left his house for their own.

"Nick. Nick! Open up I know you're here!" Kevin yelled banging on the door of Nick's there bedroom house. Nick lived close to Howie, as he stepped out into his garden he could hear Kevin yelling.

"Kevin go away. You promised a week." Nick called down form his guestroom window.

"I know. I want to tell you something." Kevin yelled back

"Kevin it's the middle of the day. You're making a scene."

"I don't care."

"I do. Go home. A week." Nick replied, before he closed the window.

"Nick! Nicholas Gene Carter let me in." Kevin yelled again.

"Kevin come on, let's go" Howie's voice came from behind him, he turned to see his band mate.

" I need to talk to Nick." Kevin restated, looking at his love's house.

"He said a week. Kev' lets go." Howie pulled him towards his house. Kevin let himself be lead away.

"So what's going on?" Howie asked.

"Nothing" Kevin murmured.

"Really? So nothing has you standing barefoot outside Nick's house yelling at him." Howie shrugged.

"Yeah."

"Okay so Brian's is straight and the Pope is Muslim."

"What? Oh, whatever." Kevin shrugged his shoulders. Howie looked at him, he hadn't seen Kevin look like this before. If he didn't know better he'd say that Kevin was in love.

"Kev, so where are the other two?"

"My house talking."

"You left them alone."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I needed to see Nick."

"You left AJ and Brian alone in your house because you needed to see Nick."

"Yes!" Kevin replied wondering where this was going.

"What were they talking about?"

"Brian's past, and how it effects them."

"OH" Howie shrugged, he knew that if they wanted them to know they would tell them. Howie gave Kevin a cup of coffee as they both sat at his kitchen counter.

"How's Dakota?"

"Distant. She doesn't feel that we can make this work."

"Howie, don't give up, she'll come around>"

"I love what we do, and if I have to choose between them, I choose this."

"She asked you to give it up?"

"Not in so many words, but yeah."

"That's not good."

"I know. What I want is what Lance and Joey have."

"Someone in the business?"

"No someone who knows me inside and out and loves me for that."

"I get it. So is Dakota that person?"

"Yes and no. She likes me for me, but she doesn't really love me and she can't accept who I am in the public eye." Howie tried to explain.

"I understand. It's just a little hard to let go of seeing you happy and settled."

"You aren't"

"In a week?"

"You'll see. Until then, talk to her." Kevin said handing him the phone.

"Now?"

"Yea. Go call her, invite her to supper, I'm going home." Kevin said walking over to the door. Howie nodded as he dialed her number.