If You Knew

Hey all... sorry it tool soo long... Enjoy, as always comments welcome.. Raven..

If you knew Part 10

Disclaimers: IF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS IS NOT REAL YOU HAVE ISSUES. I DO NOT: REPEAT DO NOT KNOW THE BOYS AND HAVE NO IDEA IF THIS IS REAL ANYPLACE OTHER THAN MY HEAD.

Enjoy the visit don't stay long.. I think my insanity is catching...

AJ packed the rest of his bags into the trunk of Howie's purple convertible, purple like that wouldn't draw attention, but they were meeting at the studio. They were supposed to change vehicles. And all head up to a cabin that the firm had rented for them, even Chandra thought it was it was a good idea. He wasn't so sure, he would be in an enclosed space with Brian and that scared him. He wanted to be able to spend time with Brian but in a place where they both had an out.

"You'll be fine." Howie smiled at him, "you can do this."

"Sure I can." AJ agreed

"J, you have to be able to do this."

"I will but Howie when I see him I want to hold him in my arms, and never let him go."

"SO do that "

"Not yet."

"When?"

'When I can handle the anger in my heart."

'Brian needs to understand and accept the anger he has to overcome his fear."

'You sound like Chandra"

'Is that a bad thing?"

'NO." AJ smiled and laughed.

&&&&&&&&&&&&* (I AM SKIPPING AHEAD TO THE CABIN.)

Kevin pulled up in front of the cabin followed by Lance who was bringing his group; he hoped that his group was more talkative than his was. Brian spent the entire trip trying to get Nick to talk to him, as he wasn't talking to Kevin at the moment. Chris was staring at JC like a lovesick puppy and well JC was ignoring the daggers that BSB were sending at him. All in all Kevin decided he hated car trips.

Lance had Joey who figured that it was his duty to distract the driver, because he could, and then figured he should fix Brian and AJ, so was busy talking to Howie and AJ, as Justin was staring into space, he was worried about JC but also he just felt terrible because he wanted one of his friend's girls. Chris was going to kill him. Lance pulled up behind Kevin and climbed out of the van handing the keys to Dre who was going to take the van back. They were stranded out in the wilderness until the end of the next week.

"Okay" Kevin grabbed every ones attention.

"We have a cabin with six bedrooms." That got every ones attention and a few groans. "There are ten of us and well I assumed the Joey and Lance want a room together, Nick and I, that leaves one bedroom with a king bed and three with doubles."

"I'll take a double," JC said, "I'll room with JC" Justin said.

"AJ and I will take a double" Howie smiled at his friend, Brian's heart plummeted.

"That leave one king, and one double" We have lots of space left great." Kevin smiled.

"I'll take a double" Brian smiled at his cousin, "I'll share with you." Nick shot at Brian, glaring at Kevin.

"I'll take the King" Chris said, he wanted to stop any public fights.

"Fine, lets all go settle in." Kevin replied, reaching out he grabbed Nick's arm "can we talk?"

"After I settle in."

'Kay."

%%%&%&%&&%&%&&%

What were they going to do for two weeks, the groups were barely talking to each other as it was, Lance wasn't looking forward to this vacation at all. He needed to head down to the living room and meet Joey they were going to go for a walk. The rest of them were settling in and well Joey never did that Lance always did it for him, it was wrong and they had tried to break the habit but they were not used to unpacking in a small space together, Lance just handled it.

"Come on Lance" Joey yelled up the stairs he was anxious to finish what he had sorta started in the van. "Coming Joe." Lance yelled down the stairs. 'I'm hoping' Joey muttered under his breath.

$$$$&&&&&&&&&&

Nick knocked on Kevin's door waiting for his boyfriend to answer the door. "It's open Nick" Kevin called through the door. Waiting for the younger man to enter what was supposed to be their room, he was still hurting that Nick wasn't staying with him, he was mad that Nick was trying to hide from their problems and that he was using Brian as a way to avoid talking about them.

"I'm not avoiding it Kevin, I'm thinking about what I need to say to you so that we don't fight. I don't want to fight, I just found you." Nick broke into his thoughts.

"Have you decided what that is?"

"Not really but I need to tell you that I love you I do Kevin, but you still treat me like the 13, year old that needed your protection." Nick sat on the bed, he didn't want to fight with him, he really didn't but this all needed to be said.

"I do not treat you like that"

"Kevin I found the list of pros and cons about me."

'So?"

"God Kevin too young?"

"Nick I don't care about that."

"Then why?"

'Why what?"

"Why do you get to decide what way and, when and how we are intimate?'

"This is about that?'

"Yes Kevin you didn't listen to me."

"Nick I refuse to make love to you that way."

'Fine then you are not willing to try something that I like."

"You like to be fucked?" Kevin asked incredulously.

'Yes Kevin I like it. If you had been paying attention to be listening to me you would know that."

"Why do you like that?"

'I don't know Kev, I just do."

'I don't consider that making love."

'Kevin I love you and if you or I want to fuck each other it is still an action of love." Nick tried once again to get his stubborn lover to understand that love was love. He was getting so frustrated and he didn't want to say something that he would regret so he left. Kevin watched him go and wondered if he had lost him forever.

^^^^^^^(((((()))))))))))))

AJ paced the room, he was driving Howie nuts and well it was getting hard to let it go.

"GOD! AJ just go talk to him." Howie pushed him out the door, and slammed it in his face. "Go talk to him. I'm not letting you back in here until you talk to him. AJ stared at the door, he wanted to talk to him he really did, but he wanted to hold on and never let go more. "AJ GO!"

"I am." He muttered under his breath. He walked down the hall until he reached Brian and Nick's room; he stopped out side the door unsure of himself.

"Come in Alex." Brian opened the door and took the choice away from him; he followed the love of his life into the room, looking for Nick.

"He's talking to Kevin."

'Oh.. I wanted to see how you were."

"Fine I miss you.'

"I miss you to.'

'Come home?'

'Not yet."

"I want you in our bed I want you next to me."

"I want that to Brian, but."

"There is always a but." Brian almost screamed his voice so taunt that AJ was afraid he was going to damage his vocal cords.

"I love you Brian I do, but I have so much anger and frustration that I don't think that it would be safe for me to come home."

"I can handle it."

'Can you Brian?"

"What does that mean?"

'Brian I spend at least five hours in the gym with Howie I pound punching bags and I want them to be Tony I want it so much."

'I don't like it but I can accept it, I have to if I want to be with you.'

"Brian accept that anger about what happened is normal for you not because you want me to move home."

" I need you at home."

'I need to be with you, but when you are ready not before."

" I am ready."

"Brian I want to, can we see where we are after the next two weeks?"

'Yeah." Brian agreed, he moved closer to AJ, he opened his arms and waited for the other man to walk into them. AJ pulled his lover to him he wrapped his arms around the older man and savored just holding him.

"I love you." Brian whispered. AJ hugged tighter in response, "I love you to." They held each other neither letting go, until Nick walked into the room,

"I hate him." He muttered, not realizing that Brian wasn't alone, "hey guys." He walked past them, AJ went to pull away, "No, stay like that it gives me hope." Nick said, pushing AJ back at Brian.

"Want to talk?"

"No Bri I'm fine I just think that I'll take a walk." Nick gathered his coat and shoes leaving them alone again.

"Wanna walk?" AJ asked him.

"No but I would like to just cuddle>"

"Movie?'

"Sure." Brian agreed, it was progress they had a way to go still but progress was progress. AJ moved away and motioned that he would meet Brian down in the living room where the TV was, Brian nodded his agreement.

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Lance and Joey wandered hand in hand around the trees, it wasn't really Joey's thing he being a true city boy, but he knew that Lance liked to wander outside, it was his thing and well love meant that you compromised on things and learned to appreciate what your partner liked, and vice versa. Lance squeezed his hand, he knew that Joey had an ulterior motive for being outside with, him and he really didn't mind, they had been making up for lost time the last few days. It had only been days since they first made love with each other and he had never felt Joey the way the Joey felt him, he wasn't complaining but he wished the he could show Joey how beautiful it could be.

"I want to make love to you." Joey whispered in his ear, capturing his attention, breaking his thoughts.

" I'd love that." Lance smiled at him, he pulled Joey towards a tree and then down between his legs as he settled against the tree.

'Like this." Joey questioned, Lance smiled at him, he was glad that Micheal was a terrible lover that he only looked for his own wants it meant that he got to help Joey explore sex and how much fun it could really be.

"We'll switch soon." Lance murmured against his lips, as he captured them tracing the Italians mouth seeking entry, letting Joey decide, he always let Joey decide it gave him the control that he needed. Joey opened his lips slightly and let Lance's tongue wrestle with his, it was sensual and thrilling, as he felt the southern boys' tongue snake around in his mouth encouraging him to play, he loved the sounds that Lance would make, the small gasps and groans as they played with each other, he often wondered if he could make Lance cum from just kissing, if it was enough to be this close.

Lance loved this moments when Joey was just getting into the action of being with each other, the motion of Lance's hands unnoticed as he moved them down Joey's body grasping his hips and moving him closer, rubbing his erection against his, letting him know that he was ready for anything.

"Happy?"

"With you always." Joey smiled at the response, brushing his hands against Lance's waist moving to grasp the sweater that he was wearing, but still uncertain that he was allowed to, "You can do what ever you want" Lance placed his hands over Joey's gently, softly so softly that Joey wasn't sure they were there. He grabbed the sweater and pulled it over the blond's head, tracing the muscles of his smooth chest. Lance arched under Joey's talented fingers, he loved that Joey would follow the crevices of his body tracing and learning the contours. He loved how curious Joey was and he was always ready to let his lover explore.

"I love you Joey." Lance pulled his face up for a quick kiss. Joey pressed his lips firmly to Lance's and kissed back, not realizing that his shirt was being unbuttoned and taken off his shoulders until the cool air hit his back. He looked down at Lances' hands as they traced his abb muscles. "What ever you want' Lance repeated, as Joey stilled for a moment, he wanted to continue he wanted to make love to Lance but he wanted to fell Lance in him to.

"When you're ready." Lance said breaking his thoughts.

"What if I'm never ready?"

'Then I always walk funny." Lance shrugged, Joey laughed but stopped as he heard what Lance said.

"I hurt you?'

'No. Joseph you fill me." Lance replied, tracing his lover's face with his hands, he traced the cheeks and hair around his so kissable mouth.

" I love you James I really do."

'I know, make love to me."

'Kay" Joey replied his voice soft and child like, he pulled at the zipper on Lance's pants and soon became frustrated when he couldn't get them off as fast as he wanted. Lance arched his hips, and pushed his tight jeans down so that Joey could slide them off, he wanted to feel the larger man's hands on his naked skin; his gentle touch was all he needed. "I want to feel you." Lance gasped as Joey's hand grazed his straining cock. He pushed his own pants and boxers off so that Joey could get to him, and he could feel his hands on him. Joey shuddered as he felt Lance's hands trace patterns on his stomach, he kept playing what Lance said in his head "what ever you want'. Joey wanted to feel Lance's body shudder as he came he wanted to know that he did that he needed to know in his heart that he could make Lance cum.

"Joey please I need to feel you're hands on me, please" Lance pleaded, grabbing the Italian's hand and placing it on him, helping the other man to curl his hands around his straining erection, "please" he pleaded again. Joey slowly moved his hand down Lance, getting himself accustomed to feeling him; Micheal never let him do this.

"I'm not him, this is us, only us." Lance said, his hands tracing Joey's face, reading the look in his lovers eyes.

"I know." Joey whispered, he moved his hand faster and tightened the grip; Lance arched his body and gasped. "GOD" he moaned as the sensations of Joey giving him a hand job took over his body. Joey leaned down as Lance's eyes closed, he kissed the leaking tip of Lance's cock, Lance's eyes flew open as he felt lips against him, he captured Joey's eyes showing him the love and pleasure that he was feeling. He never thought that he would feel Joey's mouth on him like this; it was something that Micheal made him do before.... All thoughts left Lance's mind as Joey insinuated his index finger inside him moving in and out quickly and yet slowly, hitting Lance's prostrate.

"Joe. I...."

'I don't mind" Joey replied licking up the shaft of Lance's throbbing erection placing a gentle kiss on the head, licking the pre cum that was leaking off the head. " I want to" Joey smiled wolfishly, a smile that they hardly ever saw anymore, the fun smile the smile that meant he was ready to play. Lance leaned his body against the tree letting Joey pleasure him savoring the sensations, loving the feel of Joey's warm mouth on him, suckling him, bringing him to the brink, "Joey."

"I want to" Joey mumbled around his straining cock, waiting and sucking harder bringing him closer to the brink and waiting for him to explode in his mouth. Lance arched and yelled Joey's name as his climax hit, Joey pulled his head back so that only the head of his lovers shaft was in his mouth, letting the warm semen coat his throat swallowing Lance.

"Joey' I love you' Lance said, as his last shudder finished, pulling his larger lover up to his face so he could capture his mouth. "I love you," he repeated. Joey smiled at his as he pressed his lips to Lance's letting his blond lover taste himself on him.

"I love you too." Joey replied as he cuddled to Lance.

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Latter that night the two groups settled in the living room, Chris stared at everybody and decided that they needed to play a game, but a game that would get them all talking.

"Guys let's play truth or truth.'

"What?" Justin asked.

"Truth or truth. You ask a person a question and they have to answer the truth and then they ask a question, it goes around the circle"

"I don't think it's a good idea," JC mumbled.

"Really I do. It'll clear the air" Chris argued. "God knows we need that"

"Fine but it stops when it's too much" Kevin said.

"What is too much?"

'When people are fighting"

'I think we should do this" Brian said, looking at AJ he had a few questions for his boyfriend and he wanted answers.

"Do we do this?"

"Yeah Chris we do this" the guys all agreed.

'Go first" Chris pointed at JC.

"Uh.. Okay Joey what attracted you to Lance?'

"He's smile." Joey replied.

"Chris.. Why this game?"

"We need to be honest with each other and this was the best idea I had to make that happen."

"Kevin why are you and Nick fighting?"

"He's being a child"

"What?"

"Not your turn Nick" Chris shot him a look.

"Fine" Nick replied shooting an angry glare at Kevin.

"Brian when are you going to admit that you want to kill Tony?'

"I can't" Brian replied, AJ looked at him suddenly.

"AJ when are you coming home?"

"When you admit you want to kill Tony."

'JC why are you and Howie not talking?"

'You already know."

"Answer the question." Chris said.

"Fine I slept with Dakota and she's having my baby."

"What?" an incredulous group exclaimed.

"I slept with Dakota"

"Lance have you and Joey made love?"

'Yes."

"Chris why did you and Dani break up?"

"I want someone else. I love someone else."

"Nick what does Kevin consider childish?"

"Wanting to be fucked by him"

"Kevin why won't you do it?"

"I told you already"

"The truth Kev." Nick replied.

"I don't want to be that with you. I don't want to be someone that you have sex with. That you fuck" Nick looked like he wanted to question him about his answer, but Kevin pushed on. "AJ when are you going to let the anger go?'

"When I don't think it'll scare Brian anymore."

"Howie why haven't you forgiven JC yet?'

"Because he wanted more than Dakota."

"Justin why are you so quiet?"

"I can't believe what I'm hearing."

"JC what more do you want?"

"I want Howie."

"Okay this is to much" Joey said grabbing everyone's attention. "Game over."

"Nope not yet. We are actually talking Joe." Chris tried to reason with him.

"I don't care."

"Joe please let it go." Lance asked him softly.

"Joey why are you still with Lance?"

"I love him, he saved me." He automatically replied.

"Lance how long have you loved me?"

'Since I met you."

"Brian what do you want to ask AJ?"

'Why he left?"

'I was angry."

"Why did you let me?"

'I didn't want to fight. I was scared."

"Nick why do you want to be fucked it hurts."

"It makes me feel safe and controlled.'

"Why don't you want to fight for what you have with Alex?'

"I do but I don't know how."

"Controlled?"

"I like feeling like my lover has the control.'

"Kevin why are you staring at me?'

"You like being controlled?'

"Yeah."

"Howie how do you feel about JC's revelation?'

"I already knew."

"Chris why do you look like you want to kill me?'

'I want JC"

"What?" Justin exclaimed.

"Not your turn" Chris shushed him.

"You already knew?'

"Yeah, he told me already"

"Justin what did you want to say?"

'What in the hell?"

"I love JC I am bi and I want to be with JC"

"Joey why are you smiling?'

"You guys are so much more fucked than me, it's funny."

" Lance since you met me?'

"Yeah and forever from know."

"Nick you want to be controlled by your lover?'

'Not controlled but, I guess dominated in bed it makes me feel safe I like it."

"Why is that so bad Kevin?"

"I just is."

"Brian do you want AJ at home?'

'More than my next breath."

'Come home?'

"I will when I feel I can."

'Chris you want JC?"

"Yeah"

"Why don't you want me?"

"I love Howie."

"Justin you look upset why?'

"Dani, she'll be devastated"

"How could you?"

"I don't love her anymore"

"Why do you care so much?"

"I love her you idiot, but she loves you and I respect you and her to much to come between you and her." Justin glared at Chris he was so mad and yet so happy.

"Game over" Kevin said as everybody looked at Justin. "We have said enough. Game over" He repeated climbing to his feet, stalking away.

"That went well" Lance muttered he pulled himself and Joey to their feet he wasn't ready to deal with the drama that was coming and he didn't want Joey to have to either.

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Kevin stalked down to the river he wanted to be alone as he came to terms with the whole idea that his young lover needed to be fucked to feel safe. That he didn't make him feel safe...

"You do make me feel safe you know." Nick said sitting beside him, but not touching him in any way. Kevin glanced over at him, he shook his head,

"If you felt safe with me you wouldn't want to be dominated by me."

"Kev, your wrong, by allowing you to dominate me, I am giving you my self meaning that you have control over me and where it goes. You have me totally, I trust you to give you that it's a gift, and it makes me feel safe that you will be there to take care of me." Nick tried to explain, hoping that his lover would understand.

"I love you Nick, but I don't think that I'm capable of giving that to you. I could never hurt you it would be like cutting my own heart out." Kevin whispered, his hand reaching for any contact with the blond beside him. Nick pulled the darker man into his arms and held on for dear life. "Thank you for listening."

(((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))

Brian watched as AJ hit the punching bag in front of him, he wasn't even sure if the younger man was even aware that he was there. He watched as his lover pounded the bag, his anger and frustration evident in his eyes and punches.

"You hate him more than I do" Brian's voice started AJ out of his rhythm causing him to fall off balance, "I've got you" Brian caught him in his arms, all of him. He loved it, it felt right, and he wanted more of it.

"I hate him for you too."

"I hate him you know but I can't let that rule my life, because I have you in it, I have you taking care of my heart."

"I love you Brian I do."

"I know you do." Brian held him closer, not wanting to let go of him.

"Do you want to hit the bag?"

"Why?"

"So you can say that you hit something and I was okay."

"I guess." Brian's voice wavered as he stepped away from AJ, his hands clenched into fists.

"Hit it." AJ pointed to the bag, he stepped away as Brian's fists flew.

"You bastard you made this happen, you took me away from myself, you took what wasn't yours, I hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU." Brian hit and hit the bag his voice louder and louder. AJ watched as his lover beat himself into a heap on the floor.

"I HATE YOU."

"I love you." AJ knelt beside him, touching his hands.

" I love you Alex."

"I know." AJ pulled him into his arms, he needed to hold him and comfort him so much, it was all that he could do to be strong for him.

"How can you love me after I let him take what should have been yours?"

"It was never mine Brian it was always yours and he took your gift."

"You still love me?"

"Always Brian always."

"Stay with me tonight, just hold me, let me believe that I'm gonna have you again."

"Brian you will always have me, I promise you that."

"I need you please"

"I'll stay with you tonight."

"Thank you" Brian curled into AJ's arms clinging to him not wanting to let go. AJ cradled him close and refused to let him go, he needed to be with him and he needed to help him, he could deal with his anger and his pain while being in their home he could.

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The end for now....

I know I know it took forever.. and a day sorry things have been hectic, school, moving, weddings... all the fun stuff you know... NO I DIDN'T GET MARRIED. need a guy for that....

Love, and insanity Raven.