Here it is! Third installment, so enjoy! Just wanted to give a shout out to some really good stories: some of them included "Kevin and Justin", "Forever"/"Equilibrium", and "Route 66 Rocks!" I wanted this time round to try and expand a little upon the interaction between Alan and some of the other guys in the BSB. This set of chapters is meant to bridge to the next set of significant developments in the story. Lemme know what you think; the last few responses were all really helpful. I'll post the next set of chapters if there's enough response. Email : ajantis20@hotmail.com
P.S. Again, I've shifted the date of the BSB special on CBS to fit within the timeline. Apologies to any purists.
DISCLAIMER
This story is completely fictional and is not meant to reflect the actual personalities or sexualities of the Backstreet Boys. If any member of BSB is gay, it's their business. If it's illegal or you're too young to read the story where you're living, please refrain from doing so.
Here goes...
Chapter 11
Knock knock.
"Alan?"
I froze as the memories of the previous night came flooding back.
"Alan? It's Kevin... you up?"
"Yeah. Give me a moment". I scrambled out of bed and hurried to the door.
"Hey Kevin, how's this morning treating ya?"
"Good". There was a spark in his eyes that hadn't been there the night before. "Just wanted to let you know... we're having breakfast in Nicky's room this morning. Nicky and AJ's stomachs are like bottomless pits, so you and Ginny just might want to join us before all the food is gone".
"Sure. We'll be over when, make that if I ever manage to drag Ginny out of the bed".
Kevin looked over to see Gina sprawled all over the bed, tangled up in a mass of sheets and pillows, sleeping the sleep of the dead. He chuckled, "Looks like you have your task cut for you".
I closed the door and stared out the window, my roiling thoughts at odds with the peaceful tranquility of the clear blue sky. After several minutes, I woke Gina up using several well-placed smacks with a pillow and left for breakfast.
Nicky, AJ and Kevin were sprawled out in front of the TV while Howie and Brian were sprawled out on the couch, snacking on the sumptuous breakfast that had been spread out on the coffee table.
"Oh my god, you guys have a PS 2!!!" I shoveled some hash browns and sausages onto my plate, then scrambled over to join Nick and company.
"Geez, you're just as bad as Nicky... not even a hi for us old fogies over here?"
"Sorry, Kevin. I've just been dying to get my hands on one of these babies for the longest time". I flashed him a smile and turned back to the TV. "Which game are you guys playing?"
"It's the newest Street Fighter, wanna play?"
"Sure, as soon as you finish destroying AJ..."
AJ turned an offended expression on me. "Oh yeah? I'm gonna thrash you so hard, even your own mom won't recognize you after I'm done. Frack, pass him the controller"
I grinned at AJ and cracked my knuckles. "Quit trash talking, and just bring it on".
Minutes later, I put down the controller and smirked. AJ, on the other hand, had a totally dumbfounded expression on his face.
"What's the matter, AJ, cat got ya tongue?" I asked in the sweetest voice possible. AJ stomped away, swearing up a storm as we all laughed.
"Care to try your luck against an actual master?" Nick asked in a challenging tone.
I grinned in response. "Sure, why not? You ARE going to provide more of a challenge than AJ, right?"
"I heard that!" AJ yelled from the bathroom.
Nick and I got down to business. He was good, good enough that we both fought to a draw after playing for a while.
"Whew, you're good. Been a while since anyone's given me a fight on Street Fighter" Nick said admiringly.
"Call it the product of a youth misspent at the arcades".
Gina walked in at that point, took one look at the Playstation, and rolled her eyes. "Oh god, I should've known. Five guys on tour. OF COURSE they're going to have a video game machine of some kind". She waggled an accusatory finger at me; "And now we're going to need a crowbar to pry Alan away. Did I ever mention the time he left me waiting in Kohl's for 45 minutes because he lost track of time in the arcade?"
Blushing as everyone laughed, I protested, "It was the new DDR! I had to try it out!"
Embarrassed, I looked around for some way to distract everyone. Kevin had an extremely amused look on his face. I pointed at him. "You, what're you laughing about?"
Kevin spread his hands in a gesture of innocence. "Who? Me?"
"Yes. You. Come here. I'm officially challenging you"
"Uh, Alan. I'm not sure that's such a good idea..."
"No, Nicky. I'm gonna kick Kevin's skinny white butt"
Kevin sat down beside me, a devilish glint in his eyes. "You're on. How about if the loser has to do a forfeit?"
"Hah! That's mighty confident of you!"
Minutes later, it was my turn to eat humble pie. I put down my controller, chagrined.
"I did try to warn you, Al". Nicky sat back, a smug look on his face.
"Where did you learn to play like that?"
"I've always been a whiz at video games. I just don't play it anymore; Nick whines when I beat him too many times"
"Hey!" Nick threw a pillow at Kevin, which missed and hit AJ as he was coming out of the bathroom. AJ growled and proceeded to engage Nicky in a pillow-fight.
"Okay, okay, Kevin. I concede defeat. What's the forfeit"?
Kevin smiled mischievously and looked me up and down, "Oh, I don't know. I'm sure I'll think of something"
I blushed, but thankfully, everyone's attention was diverted by AJ and Nick; AJ had managed to pin Nick to the ground, and Nick was flailing his arms and legs from under a whole mass of pillows.
Gina clapped her hands to get everybody's attention. "So, what's everyone doing today?"
"Well, since we've all been so busy lately, we were thinking of spending some time together as a group, but we haven't figured out where we're going yet. We'd like you two to come along of course".
"How about Stone Mountain Park, Brian?"
"What's that?"
"It's a national park they have here. They have arcades, rides, a golf course, and a whole ton of park trails. The reason it's so famous is because there's a huge granite hill in the center of the park, and they project laser shows on the face of the hill at night. I heard about it from a classmate in Boston".
"Sure, why not? Might be nice to get some fresh air for a change" Brian turned to the rest of the guys. "You guys game?"
After much cajoling, Nicky and AJ both grudgingly agreed to come along. Brian and I rode in Kevin's rented truck, while Gina accompanied the other three guys in another rental.
Not knowing Brian all that well, I felt a little awkward and stared out the window of the passing landscape as Brian and Kevin chatted.
"So, Alan, I probably forgot to mention this, but you were great last night"
"Yeah, I guess... I'm just happy that I didn't puke my guts out all over the stage". I shook my head. "Don't know how you guys do it".
Brian turned around and smiled. "We're nervous everytime we perform. When you stop being nervous, then you start to worry. You should see Kevin before a concert... he gets all tense and 'Kevin-ish'".
"Hey, I wasn't the one who got stage fright and nearly fainted that time in Munich!"
"Bet the massive fan adulation makes up for it, though".
"The rush you get from performing in front of thousands of fans IS something else. I know this is going to sound like something you hear in the media, but sometimes it's pretty awe-inspiring, you know, to be able to have such an influence on other people's lives through our music. With God's blessing, we'll hopefully continue to do so for the next couple of years".
"You make it sound so perfect, Brian"
"Don't get me wrong, Alan. It's far from perfect. You make sacrifices in this business". Brian glanced over at Kevin, who'd been silent this entire time. "God knows, we've made more than our fair share of sacrifices to get to where we are".
I spent the rest of the ride mulling over Brian's words...
Chapter 12
"So, now that we're out here, how about a game of football?"
"Nuh, uh, AJ. While being in close bodily contact with all five Backstreet Boys might be a girl's dream, I do not cherish being in the middle of a six boy pigpile, thank you very much".
"Aw, come on Gina!"
"No, nyet, no way, no how"
I stepped in to mediate. "How about Ultimate Frisbee?"
"Sure, so long as me and Gina are on opposing teams!"
"Fine with me too!"
After much haggling, AJ, Howie and Brian ended up on one team, while the rest of us were on the other. The two teams were evenly matched. Howie and Kevin were surprisingly good; it was all Gina and I could do to keep up with the two of them.
The fast-paced game, combined with the balmy spring air, meant everyone was quickly drenched with sweat. AJ and Brian quickly took their shirts off, and even Gina stripped down to her tank top. My eyes couldn't help but stray to AJ and Brian's lithe torsos, which were slick with sweat. The sight of their glistening torsos as they grappled for the frisbee was fairly arousing.
Then Kevin stripped. I literally stopped breathing as I caught sight of him jumping for the frisbee, muscles rippling, chest dappled with sweat. My eyes traveled down of their own accord; I couldn't help but notice his tight butt as he ran. Thankfully, I was not the only one who was paying attention to Kevin's body.
"I think the air just got a little warmer, boys! Kevin just entered the house!"
Everyone laughed. "We don't call him Mr.Body Beautiful for nothing, Gina!"
Kevin chuckled. "Nice to know all those years in the gym are paying off".
I used the distraction to try and erase the slack-jaw expression I'd been wearing, hoping that no one would notice I'd been gawking at Kevin, or more accurately, at Kevin's body the last few minutes.
We finished shortly after that, with Howie's team trouncing us ten to eight. Most of us wanted to go try out the golf course, but I demurred. Somehow, the idea of pointlessly smacking balls around on bare ground just wasn't all that appealing, even if it meant spending the day alone. We arranged to meet up at five pm, and I walked away towards the gaudy buildings and facades that held the arcades and carnival rides.
"Hey Alan, wait up!" Brian ran up beside me.
"Brian... I thought you were hanging with the rest of the guys?"
"Gina can take my place" He grinned cheekily. "Besides, I couldn't let you try out the arcade by yourself. You still haven't beaten ME in Street Fighter!"
I grinned back. "You're on!"
We spent the rest of the day fooling around in the humongous arcade, which had the largest collection of games I'd seen in quite some time. Although Brian kept his promise and thrashed me at Street Fighter (which I personally blame on the faulty joystick I was stuck with), I HUMILIATED him at Dance Dance Revolution. Throughout the rest of the day, I ribbed him endlessly about the fact that I'd beaten him in a dancing-based video game even though he danced and sang for a living. Given how much I teased him, Brian actually took it pretty well; in retrospect, I'm surprised he didn't punch me through a wall or something.
Several hours later and totally video-gamed out, we were hanging outside the arcade, just chilling and waiting for the rest of the guys to come back.
"Hey Brian, can I ask you a personal question?"
"Shoot"
"Have you ever felt like you missed out while spending eight whole years in BSB?"
Brian turned to me, a thoughtful light in his eyes. "You know, that's the first time a friend's asked me that. Honestly, I don't feel like I missed out on anything... but that's partly because the guys all watched out for each other. Especially Kevin. Did I ever tell you that Kevin was the one who got AJ through his depression and tore him away from the bottle?"
"No way!"
"Yeah, it's true. But to answer your question, no, I don't think so. And even if I did, the success we've had, the bonds we've made among the five of us, has made it all worthwhile"
"Thanks for being so frank, Brian"
"It's Bri between friends... Brian makes me feel like someone's uncle... better yet, call me Frick. It's what the guys call me"
We sat there in amiable silence for a bit. Then Brian said something pretty unsettling. "Thank you"
I covered my surprise by pretending to be engrossed in a clown across the street, who was having little success trying to entertain a group of rowdy kids.
"Kevin has always been the big brother of the group. Those first few years... he was always fighting for us, making sure we got the best deal possible; from Lou, from our managers, from our record company. Even now, he still feels responsible for all of us, making sure our concerns, our worries are always take care of. Because of that, I think Kevin sometimes feels like he can't open up to the rest of us, even me or Nicky, because he doesn't want us to worry too much"
Brian paused. "We've all been worried about Kev lately. He's been really down about Kari, but he's refused to talk about it, even to Nick or me. But somehow, this morning, Kev looked like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I figured it had to be something you said to him last night... am I right?"
I fidgeted. "Yeah, I guess we had a talk last night"
"So thanks for getting through to Kev"
"Thanks. I just did what I had to, Bri. We're good friends, and I couldn't stand to see Kevin hurting like that" Admitting to someone else that I cared for Kevin was making me uncomfortable.
Brian laid a hand on my shoulder. "You've only been here a day, but somehow Kevin is happier than he has been in a while".
I looked at Brian with a vague sense of disquiet. His words seemed to harbor a hidden meaning, almost like he was probing or questioning, but his expression was inscrutable, and I couldn't tell what he was asking about. Fortunately, the others came by to pick us up at that point.
AJ was gleefully rubbing his hands. "What clubs are we crashing tonight?"
Gina and I traded regretful looks. "Sorry to spoil the party, guys, but Gina and I need to leave soon... driving at night is gonna be shitty, but Decaphonics has an important performance tomorrow afternoon and we both need to be there"
Was that a disappointed look in Kevin's eyes? I wasn't sure...
"Well, I was hoping you two could stay a little longer, but we all understand the importance of being on time to gigs..." I smiled as Kevin's voice unconsciously took on a lecturing tone.
"Kev, you're droning again!"
Kevin did a double-take and looked chagrined. "You're right, Howie ... I guess I've gotten used to nagging Nicky all the time. Come on, Alan, I'll drive you two to your car. Guys, I'll catch up with you at the hotel?"
Gina and I traded hugs with the rest of the Boys and promised to keep in touch. The disconcerting gaze that Brian directed at us as we got into Kevin's truck left me feeling unsettled, so I stayed silent during the drive.
Lost in my thoughts, I failed to notice that we'd stopped until Gina slammed the door. As I got out of the truck, she gave Kevin a big hug and a peck on the cheek, making him promise to not over-stress himself during the concert tour before getting into her car.
Kevin and I stood there, facing each other in an awkward, mutual silence.
"Thanks for coming down, Alan. I really appreciated it"
"It was my pleasure, Kev...in" I couldn't call him "Kev". Shortening his name presumed an emotional connection between the two of us that I was unwilling, almost afraid to acknowledge. "So... umm, I'll email you when I get back?"
"Sure! Feel free to call me on my cellphone anytime! I usually have it turned on except during concerts or recording sessions"
With the conversation exhausted, the awkward silence resumed. We each had so many things to say, but no idea how to say them.
"So I guess this is goodbye"
"It's not goodbye, just think of it as... a temporary farewell" As usual, my jokes were majorly sucking.
"Yeah". Kevin smiled weakly. "So I guess I'll just see you later"
I nodded. "Later"
We embraced. I quickly got into Gina's car, refusing to look back, afraid that seeing his face again would only rile up my already churning thoughts. What was this heavy feeling in my heart? This sense of desperation and longing that I could not purge?
Gina reached over and turned on the radio...
"Six am, day after Christmas I throw some clothes on in the dark The smell of cold Car seat is freezing The world is sleeping And I am numb".
("Brick", Ben Folds Five)
Chapter 13
I flipped the TV off and stretched. The Backstreet special on CBS had been longer than I'd expected. The performance had been up to their usual impeccable standard despite some technical glitches with the sound system. Somehow though, watching them on TV paled in comparison to the experience of having seen them close up and in person in Atlanta.
The phone rang.
"Alan?"
"Kevin! What's up? Great concert, by the way!"
"Eh..." I could imagine Kevin shrugging his shoulders on the other side of the phone. "Sound system could have been much better... I'll have a word with the sound tech later. I'm glad you caught it though" Pause. "So, how's it going?"
"Well, let's see". I started counting on my fingers. "The big Decaphonics concert is in two days, I have two research designs due to my advisors, AND my desk is overflowing with papers from freshmen who don't know how to string two coherent sentences together... not bad at all!"
The sound of Kevin's chuckling came over the phone. "Busy, busy. How's Gina doing?"
"Oh, she's in as much of a fix as I am. She's literally surviving on tons of mocha and dollops of chocolate-covered coffee beans. Anyway, enough about me. What've you been up to? How's the rest of the gang?"
"It's been going well. Management's been less pushy lately. We have a short break coming up after our next concert. Bri and Nicky are going back to spend some time to their families. I'm not sure about Howie and AJ"
"What about you?"
"That... is a secret"
"Ooookaaaayyy, if you're going to be so secretive..." I affected an offended tone.
"Calm down, calm down. I'll let you know in a couple of days okay? Promise"
"Cross your heart and hope to die?"
"Yes, yes"
"Okay..."
"Alan, I need to go. We have a meeting with management in a bit. See you soon!"
After Kevin hung up, I sat down at the computer and started browsing through e-mail.
From : KaosNGC22@aol.com To : alanphonics@boston.edu Subject : Final Fantasy X Date : Thurs, Apr 12, 2001 10 AM EST
Al,
I checked out the website. FF looks awesome! Placed a pre-order on the spot. Can't wait to check it out on the PS2. Also nabbed a copy of the new NFL game while I was at it. When're you going to come down here so I can kick your butt on Street Fighter? I've been practicing.
Nicky.
I smiled. Nicky was the one person who probably browsed the Gamespot website as much as I did.
From : BoneAJM23@aol.com To : alanphonics@boston.edu Subject : 'Sup? Date : Thurs, Apr 12, 2001 11AM EST
How's it going? Hey, do you have Gina's email? I wanted to mail her a list of the top clubs in Orlando, but I think I misplaced her address somewhere.
AJ
Gina would be glad to hear that. She'd been wondering why AJ hadn't gotten in touch with her after the trip, since he'd agreed to show her around during the summer when she visited Orlando for a conference in June.
From : deannaalt@boston.edu To : alanphonics@boston.edu Subject : Grant Date : Thurs, Apr 12, 2001 5PM EST
Mr.Tang,
It is my regret to inform you that you were not selected for the Department's research program. Your submission was one of many equally meritorious applications, but there were limited funds this year. While we realize that this might jeopardize your financial situation for the summer, we believe that a student of your caliber should not have any problem soliciting funds from other sources within the university. Please approach if you have any queries or comments.
Department of Political Science
My heart sank. As late as it was in the school year, the chance of finding alternate funding was virtually zilch. That meant another summer of toiling away at a desk job instead of gaining valuable research experience desperately needed for my dismal resume.
The phone rang. Startled, I quickly grabbed the receiver.
"Kevin?"
"Who's Kevin?"
"Oh, hi mom"
"Who's Kevin?"
"A friend. He was supposed to call me tonight to pick up something" I sighed. Mom was being her usual nosy, controlling self, which was precisely the last thing I needed to deal with at this point in time.
"And where have you been this past few days? Every time I call, your answering machine picks up!"
"Mom, I've been really busy. I can't check in with you all the time" That last sentence was a fatal mistake. I had to endure several minutes of haranguing and guilt-tripping before I managed to get off the phone. The day had suddenly gone from average to astoundingly bad. I clicked on the last unread e- mail.
From : hardluvmaster@yahoo.com Fwded : alanphonics@hotmail.com From To : alanphonics@boston.edu Subject : Don't hide, baby Date : Thurs, Apr 12, 2001 10AM EST
I froze. How had HE found my email address? My brain screamed at me to stop reading the email, to delete it before it opened up the emotional wounds that had barely healed. But like a moth drawn to the flame, I found myself involuntarily scrolling down the screen.
Alan,
How've you been baby? I tried to email you, but I guess you forgot to tell me that you switched email addresses. That was bad of you. I miss you so much. Come back to me. You know you miss me too.
Derek.
The memories came flooding back. Pain. Humiliation. I found myself unable to hold back the tears any longer. I don't know how long I sat there like that, lost to the world, lost in my memories of heartbreak and shame. It was the knocking at the door that finally roused me.
It was Gina. Upon seeing my tear-reddened face, she quickly gave me a hug.
"Do you need to talk about it?" Her voice was full of concern.
"Not right now..." I took her hand and tried to muster a smile, but failed miserably. "We need to get to rehearsal. After the concert, okay?"
"Alright, but I'm here if you need anything, ok?"
"Yeah". I painstakingly got up from the chair, and began to gather the stuff I needed for rehearsal. I was still an emotional wreck, but the group had to come first. We stepped out into the evening air and headed off for rehearsal...
Chapter 14
"Alright, people, come on, one more time"
Karen, our musical director, gripped her forehead in frustration. We'd been working on the song for the longest time. It didn't help that it was four hours to the concert and we had tons of stuff to get done.
Karen blew on her pitchpipe and started counting off. We were interrupted by a creaking sound. A familiar face peeked through the doors to the auditorium.
"Hope I'm not interrupting anything, y'all?"
"Kevin!" Gina jumped off the stage to give him a hug.
I wasn't far behind. "What're you doing here?"
Kevin's eyes sparkled with mischief. "I did tell you I was going to see you soon, remember?" He raised his hand to forestall any interruptions, "Like I said, the group had a short break, so I figured I'd come down, surprise y'all and see how the choreography for "Kung Fu Fighting" was holding up. Hope you don't mind"
"Of course not! Don't be silly. Here, sit down... we're still running through a number of songs"
Somehow, Kevin's arrival seemed to be a good omen. The group, having already met Kevin in person before, quickly got down to work, and rehearsal went much smoother after that. An idea began to form in the back of my head, but pulling it off was going to require Gina's co-operation.
Minutes later, Gina went over to where Kevin was seating. Although Kevin shook his head and protested, she basically manhandled him into running through the choreography for "Kung Fu Fighting" again. I silently laughed. No one, not even a Backstreet Boy, could really deter Gina when she was set on something. Trying to dissuade her was akin to attempting to stop a speeding train.
While he was running through the steps, we made sure that Kevin was including in the blocking and positioning for the song as well, while I discreetly ran through the vocal parts with him in the guise of rehearsing some of the moves. Since it was a fairly simple song, Kevin, ever the consummate performer, picked it up really easily.
After running through the set, we broke for a quick dinner. I went up to Kevin, who had been watching the entire rehearsal with avid interest.
"Hope it doesn't look too shabby on stage. You're probably used to much better production values" I smiled to let him know I was joking.
"Not at all. You all look really professional up there"
"What're your plans?"
"I leave at the crack of dawn on Monday morning... so I was hoping we could spend tomorrow just hanging out?"
"That'd be great! Where're you staying?"
"I'm probably just going to book a room at one of the hotels around here"
"Nonsense! You're my guest for this weekend, so you're staying with me"
"But..."
I stamped down on his protests pretty firmly. "No buts, Kevin Scott Richardson. You're spending tonight at my place, and that's final!"
Kevin smiled wryly. "Okay, if that's the way you want it..."
Chapter 15
Gina peeked out from behind the curtain. She turned around, her eyes wide. "The whole auditorium is filled! I didn't believe we'd get so many people!"
I was getting nervous jitters myself. After dropping Kevin off at my apartment, it'd finally hit me that I was going to be performing in front of him, and worse, even singing a solo while he was in the audience. A queasy feeling began to build in my stomach.
"Places everyone!"
The curtain was raised to thunderous applause. Despite having performed with the group through numerous gigs, I froze. What happened if he saw me flub a note?
"Psst! Break a leg!"
There he was in the front row, beaming and giving the thumbs-up sign. Somehow, seeing the warmth in Kevin's eyes chased the butterflies in my stomach away. Confidence restored, I looked up at Karen, ready for her to beat us in. We broke into our first song; "Mysterious Ways" by U2.
The concert sped by in a blur. Gina finished her solo on "Girl from the Gutter" (Kina) to raucous wolf-whistles and cheering. I gulped... my solo was next, and Gina was a hard act to follow.
I stepped up to the mike, a total bundle of nerves. As the song began, I remember Karen's advice from earlier rehearsals... "Alan, just relax. Think of someone who means a lot to you, and sing this song like you truly mean it" The image of Kevin's emerald eyes sprang unbidden into my mind. My eyes snapped open; Kevin was sitting there, eyes alight with pleasure and anticipation.
"You have the heaven in your eyes that I've been waiting for The fire that's in the sun is in our hearts And with a stick I write your name on the shifting shore And then you write mine next to yours,
And if I could I would write your name on every grain of sand on every shore.
We slept our sleepless nights alone wondering what it's all for, Until we found each other here. Still we lie awake at night and we walk about the things That we would only talk about behind closed doors.
And if I could I would lie awake with you every night and all night evermore"
("If I Could", Storyhill)
Time seemed to slow to a standstill... yet, before I knew it, the song was over. An awed silence... then a crescendo of applause. Suddenly embarrassed, I stepped back, and it wasn't till Gina gave me a hug that I realized my cheeks were wet...
Gina stepped up to the mike. "Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming down tonight. We've had a great time tonight, and we hope you did too. Unfortunately, we've only got one song left, but it's a doozy. You'll see what I mean in a bit". She winked at the audience. While Gina spoke, I discreetly stepped off the stage and sidled into the aisle near Kevin's seat.
"... and while it's not "Larger than Life", Decaphonics is proud to present "Kung Fu Fighting", with special guest Kevin Richardson, from the Backstreet Boys!" There was yet another surprised silence, which quickly dissolved into total pandemonium as Gina's announcement sank in.
"Surprise!"
Kevin turned to me, his face full of consternation. "God, I can't believe I fell for this... should have seen this coming".
I smirked. "Turnabout is fair play. Come and sing with us, pretty pretty please?"
Chortling, Kevin got off his seat and jabbed his finger at my chest. "Alright, Mr.Tang, but I'll get you for this!" We went up on stage, Kevin's appearance eliciting even more shrieks and screams from the besotted crowd.
Surprisingly, the song went off without a hitch. That was a miracle in itself, since it sometimes seemed like most of the Decaphonics guys didn't have enough hand-eye co-ordination to walk and chew gum at the same time. Kevin, on the other hand, appeared calm and suave the entire song, even while doing the kitschiest 70s disco moves possible (I might be biased, but those really tight bootylicious pants he was wearing that night might have helped).
We finished the song with a flourish, bringing the crowd to its feet. Standing there, watching the glow of contentment in Kevin's face, I began to get the vaguest, faintest hint of why Kevin had fought so hard to get to where he now was. The sacrifices he had made, the hardships he had endured; all of these now made a little more sense.
The Decaphonics got together for a group hug and photo (Gina made sure Kevin was included, much to his embarrassment). Everyone then left to meet the family and friends who had come to the concert. I stayed behind to keep Kevin company.
"So, what do we do now?"
"Well, we need to pick up the keg for the party, which is at Karen's place. It's going to be the usual college-type party; lots of drinking, lots of dancing. Karen's house is notorious for its parties... so if it's not your thing, that's cool"
"Nah, it'll be fun. I haven't had the chance to just hang loose at a party for a while. 'Sides, it'll be interesting to see what you young'uns get up to nowadays"
I chuckled. "Whatever. The way you danced up there put us all to shame"
Forty-five minutes later, we rolled a gigantic keg into Karen's living room. The party got underway, and people descended upon the keg in droves. Multiple kegstands were not far behind. Kevin watched the proceedings with an almost morbid fascination.
"Not drinking anything, Kevin?"
He raised his cup, full of Coke, for me to see. "Alcohol ain't really my thing. I prefer to enjoy myself while sober"
"Hey, that's cool. I personally don't drink cos I can't stand the taste of alcohol. If someone managed to mix a really good chocolate alcohol drink, on the other hand..."
He turned to me, eyes amused. "I take it that you're a huge fan of chocolate"
"Yup. I'm a total chocoholic. For my birthday last year, Gina brought me to a chocolate buffet! What about you?"
He looked a little sheepish. "Well... I'm not hot on chocolates, but I DO have a secret weakness for Gummi bears"
My mouth literally dropped open. The image of Kevin stuffing himself with multi-colored jelly bears was fairly comical.
"It's true. Management always puts a pack of them in my dressing room before every concert. I try to stay away from them, though. At my age, you tend to pack on the pounds if you're not careful!"
I smacked him on the stomach and retorted in a sardonic tone. "Least you have abs. Mine, on the other hand, will never see the light of day. So pardon me if I don't feel sympathetic about your ongoing battle with your waistline"
Gina cut in at that point. "Hey Kev, hope you don't mind, but I'm stealing Alan for a bit. Girl talk, you know", she said in a conspiratorial tone.
We went up to Karen's room and sat on her bed, which was covered with coats and shawls.
"So, were you as surprised as I was when Kev showed up?"
"Surprised? Try flabbergasted! Kevin didn't even drop a hint about him coming down to visit!"
Gina looked at me critically, and then took my hands. "Alan? Can I ask you something?"
"What is it?"
"What's going on between you and Kevin?"
Shocked by her question, I looked away. Gina was almost like family, but in hindsight, I just wasn't ready to face the truth at that time yet, let alone tell someone else about it.
"Nothing... we've just really clicked, that's all"
"Alright, calm down, I believe you. But you let me know the instant you need someone to talk to, okay? Now, let's get back down. The party's gonna die out on us if I'm not there to jazz it up a little"
We rejoined the party, but unfortunately, Kevin had been surrounded by a group of punch-drunk groupies who, inhibitions loosened by beer, were badgering him with questions and song and autograph requests. Seeing his harried expression, I barged my way into the group and loudly announced, "Kevin, I'm going to call it a night. Would you like a ride back?" Kevin realized what I was doing and played along. Thirty long, long minutes later, we were standing at the door to my apartment, having managed to lose most of the groupies while leaving the party.
"Welcome to my humble abode" I swung the door open with a bow and a flourish.
"Nice place"
"I try... it's messy right now" I said apologetically.
"Is this your mom?"
"Yeah, we took that years ago at Disneyland"
"What about this?" Kevin held up a photo of me in a cap and gown.
"Oh... that. That's from graduation two years ago. Horrid day. I still don't understand why I paid $75 for that nasty cap and gown"
"Cos you look good in it?" Kevin winked.
I blushed and hurriedly changed the subject. "So, is there anything else I can get for you?"
"Other than a drink of water and a nice hot shower, no"
"Oh my god, where're my manners? Here, let me get you some towels. The bathroom's down there"
As Kevin showered, I sat down at the computer and started downloading some research material for homework, but couldn't get much done, since my thoughts were continually distracted by the thought of Kevin, wet and naked, in my bathroom.
The sound of showering stopped. Unfortunately, Kevin walked into the room dressed in a tight tank top and a pair of silk blue boxers that showed off his package fairly nicely, which only distracted me further.
"So, where am I sleeping?
"Well, I was thinking that you could sleep on the bed, and I'd crash on the couch"
"Nah-ah. It's your apartment, and I'm imposing. So you stay on the bed. I don't mind sleeping on the couch"
"But... I'd feel really bad if you did that"
"Okay, okay. How about a compromise... we'll both squeeze on the bed..."
My brain was sending all kinds of warning signals, but the thought of sleeping next to Kevin was something I just couldn't resist.
"Oh what the hell, alright!"
Kevin grinned as he walked into the bedroom. "I should warn you... I snore... a lot"
I retorted, "Well, if it gets too loud, I'll punch you!"
I followed Kevin into the bedroom and froze. Kevin had taken his shirt off and slipped under the sheets. His eyes were closed, his face tranquil and peaceful. I stood there, entranced by the sight, letting my eyes linger over his smooth bare shoulders, the strong muscular arms, the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he lay there.
Very conscious of the fact that Kevin was wearing only a pair of boxers, I slipped on a shirt and a pair of shorts, then slipped under the covers. Kevin stirred and his eyes opened.
"Did I wake you?"
"No, I was just thinking" He got up on an arm and turned to face me. "You guys were great tonight".
"Thanks" Embarrassed, and disconcerted at having Kevin so close to me, I averted my eyes. "The group's gotten a lot better in recent years"
"You were pretty awesome. Especially when you sang that song. Seeing the tears on your face, I almost felt like my heart was breaking. Why do you sing that song with so much pain?"
I turned back and looked him in the eyes. "Because music is how I express my innermost feelings. Because I believe you can't really experience true love with someone till you forge through the pain. And because..." my voice faltered... "because I was singing it for someone who will never love me"
Kevin laid a hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure of that?"
My heart jumped. The tension in the air was palpable. I knew I had to say something, but I couldn't... I just wasn't ready to deal with the truth.
I forced a smile. "Just kidding... I'm glad you liked the concert though. And you were pretty slick with those disco moves of yours"
Kevin narrowed his eyes. "That reminds me, I still have to pay you back for that!" He poked me in the ribs. I nearly jumped out of my skin and shrieked in surprise.
"Okay, buster... you asked for it!"
Kevin howled as I returned the tickles with a vengeance. We were a total tangle of arms and legs for several minutes, but Kevin, being the stronger and bigger one, finally pinned me down and started to relentlessly jab my sides. It didn't help that I was all too aware of Kevin's smooth skin rubbing against mine.
"Uncle! Uncle!"
Kevin let me go and smirked. "That'll teach you to be naughty"
"Hmph" I curled up in the corner of the bed. "Now look what you did... I think I strained my back or something"
"Alright, you crybaby, let me see..."
I involuntarily gasped as firm hands began to knead back muscles that were sore from standing up all day. A warm feeling of pleasure and comfort began to spread down my spine, as I tried to distract myself by talking to Kevin.
"Kevin? Can you honestly see the Backstreet Boys performing five, ten years down the road?"
There was a pause, then Kevin responded in a wry tone. "Seriously? I don't know. I suppose the five of us will always be close to each other, but to be honest, I'm getting too old for the kind of teenyboppers that BSB used to draw. That's why we've been improving our music, trying to cultivate a more mature fan base. If that doesn't work out, I'm sure everyone will want the group to stop while we're still on top..."
"What happens then?"
"I can't speak for the others, but I know that my life is tied up in the performing industry. Even if I don't choose a solo career, I'm sure I'll be involved in the creative process somehow, whether it be as a writer, a producer or a manager. I don't know. Right now, I'm just trying to put the whole Kari thing behind me and live a day at a time"
I turned around and smiled at him. "You really enjoy this, don't you?"
His eyes were reflective. "Yes, I do. Music has always been in my life, I guess. Being on stage always charges me up, and it makes all my troubles seem insignificant by comparison" He paused for a moment. "Okay, now take off your shirt and lie on your front!"
"What? Wh... why?"
Kevin laughed at my discomfort. "Cause I can't really give you a full back rub till you do so, silly?"
I rolled over and joked nervously, "Okay, but no hanky panky!"
Kevin's strong hands began to run up and down my shoulder. My back arched and I groaned in pleasure as he found knots in my back that I never knew existed. There was a tingling in my groin as I felt him straddling my butt, legs flexing as his hands caressed the bare skin on my back. Fortunately, I was lying on my front, so Kevin never saw how aroused I was at that point.
As Kevin continued to knead my back, the fatigue from running around all day for the concert began to catch up to me. Lust faded, overtaken by lassitude and a dire need for sleep. I drifted slowly into obliviousness as Kevin's hands stroked and caressed my cares away.
In that half-awake stage, Kevin whispered, his voice thick with emotion... "Alan..."
"Kevin", I whispered back. With that single word, I finally dropped off to sleep.
Chapter 16
It was the sun shining in through the bedroom window that finally woke me up. Half-asleep, I took a while to get my bearing before realizing that a tanned, muscular arm was draped across my chest. KEVIN's tanned, muscular arm was draped across my chest... I came fully awake with a start. Somehow, in the middle of the night, Kevin had wrapped himself around me. My eyes drink in the beauty of his face, secretly enjoying the feeling of having this wonderful man whom I had grown so close to laying next to me.
Unconsciously, I leaned forward to kiss his cheek, but stopped myself when I realized what I was doing and shuddered. No. I couldn't, wouldn't admit to myself that I was... The wound was too recent. I'd tried it once... I couldn't do it again. Not after HIM. Not after Derek. Kevin was too pure, too perfect.
My heart aching with suppressed ache and longing, I slowly slipped out of Kevin's embrace and went to the bathroom, hoping that a shower would cleanse the pain away.
When I came back, Kevin had woken up, his eyes glittering with excitement. "So, what do we do today?"
"Well, I was thinking ... we could go down to Provincetown and just walk around. The summer carnival season's just starting up, so there're lots of shows and artists' displays to catch. Then there's also the mangrove swamps and sand dunes, if you're up for a bit of hiking..."
"That sounds great!"
Several hours later, we strolled into Commercial Street, Provincetown.
"Interesting place..." Kevin was interrupted by a scantily clad figure that zoomed by us in a flash of glitter and feathers. "Who... or WHAT was that?"
"That, Kevin was a drag queen dressed up as Cher in a derriere who just overtook us on a scooter board. I think she was advertising for her show or something"
Kevin had such a wide-eyed look of surprise on his face that I couldn't help breaking out in laughter. "I DID tell you that P-town is a gay mecca in summer, right?"
"No..."
"You okay? We can leave if this place makes you uncomfortable"
"No, I'm fine" He still had a somewhat dazed look on his face. "It's just strange..." Kevin stared as several same-sex couples walked past holding hands and nuzzling with each other. "It's strange... yet almost comforting to be in a place where everyone's so open".
"Well, let's make our way to the Portugese bakery... you HAVE to try the egg tarts they make!"
The day sped by. We caught a drag show, browsed at the numerous galleries and had lunch at a really quaint beachside café (although the clam chowder left something to be desired). The only unpleasant moment occurred towards the end when a tabloid reporter recognized and began hounding Kevin, but we managed to quickly lose him in the crowd.
After that unfortunate incident, the two of us decided to pass the rest of the evening at the sand dunes. We scrambled up a particularly tall dune and lay out several blankets to lie on. The fiery disk of the setting sun lit up the horizon with streaks of dusty red, while the sea and dunes reflected the sun's glory in shades of crimson and ruddy gold. Kevin and I sat there in silence, drinking in the moment. The hush lent an almost mystical quality to the air around us.
Speaking in a strangely thick voice, Kevin broke the silence, "At times like this, you really do feel like the world has come to a standstill. God, it feels so good to sit here and shut out the rest of the world"
I glanced over at Kevin. He was staring off into the distance, his expression unreadable.
"How're you doing?"
"I'm fine"
"No, I mean seriously, how ARE you doing?"
"Honestly? Much better. It's been real tough, but I've gotten over the worst of it". He glanced over shyly. "And having you to talk to that night really helped. I tend to bottle things up way too much..."
"Kevin. I'm not the only one you can talk to. All the guys are there for you too"
"I know, Alan, I know. I've just gotten so used to protecting them that sometimes I forget I need their help too..." He paused, clearly uncomfortable. "That, and coming here to P-town, I think, really helped. Seeing so many happy gay couples... really made me think about some of the issues I have with being bi..."
"How long have you known?"
"Several years now... but what with Kari and my family and being in the Backstreet Boys... I just never had time to think about it... until the whole thing with Kari..." His voice dropped off.
I gripped his shoulder. "I'm sorry..."
His response was unexpectedly firm. "No. Don't be. I think in the end it was all for the best. I really cared for Kari, and I think we both still have feelings for each other, but I don't think she was able to deal with that part of me... All I hope for right now is that someday, somewhere down the road, we can be friends and a part of each other's lives again... let's stop dwelling on the past. What about you? Any person in your life?"
The sudden switch in topic caught me off guard, and the tears came unbidden as Kevin's question brought back the raw and hurtful memories.
"Alan? What's wrong?" Kevin's voice was concerned.
I hurriedly wiped my eyes and forced a smile. "You're not the only one with relationship baggage, Kevin"
"Do you need to talk about it?"
"I appreciate the thought, but no, not at this point in time. The memories are still too fresh... and I... it's hard for me to talk about it right now"
Kevin enfolded me in his strong arms. "Remember what you told me about not being alone? I think you need to take some of your own advice"
"I know... let's talk about something else, please?"
There was a tense silence, then Kevin made an all-too-transparent attempt to lighten the mood. The boy was just so sweet. "Remember that time I beat you in Street Fighter?"
"Yeah?" I replied in a somewhat surly tone. That ignominious loss to Kevin had not been one of my better moments.
He grinned, mischief alight in his eyes. "I'd like to claim that forfeit now".
"Uhh... what do I have to do?"
"Hmmm... how about a backrub with the works?"
"Alright, I suppose that's doable"
I leaned over and began rubbing his shoulders, a little surprised at how tense they were. Kevin closed his eyes and leaned his head back and I continued moving my hands down, feeling and kneading the tight muscles under his shirt.
"Oh, that feels really, really good. Hold on a moment" Kevin whipped off his shirt and lay down.
I hesitated, but my hands moved of their own accord, stroking the velvet smoothness of Kevin's back. I don't know how long I just sat there, contemplating, while my hands caressed and massage the taut muscles in his back, until Kevin breached the silence.
"Alan, you mentioned last night that you express yourself through music... What did you mean?"
"Have you ever heard a song whose lyrics just resonates with the way you feel, the way you act, the way you wish you could be? Sometimes, I just hear music that brings tears to my eyes. I know this sounds hokey, but I form a connection with songs that can be intensely strong and profound"
"No, I totally understand. Can I ask you something personal then?"
"Go ahead, but I can't promise to answer"
"What song do you think best expresses the essence of who you are?"
I paused momentarily to consider my answer. "Kevin, don't take this the wrong way, but I promised myself I'd sing this song only to the person that I was sure I'd be spending the rest of my life with". Disappointed silence. "I will, however, sing to you a song which means a great deal to me and captures a lot of the way I try to live my life"
"Galileo's head was on the block The crime was looking up for truth And as the bombshells of my daily fears explode I try to trace them to my youth
And then you had to bring up reincarnation Over a couple of beers the other night And now I'm serving time for mistakes Made by another in another lifetime
How long till my soul gets it right Can any human being ever reach that kind of light I call on the resting soul of Galileo King of night vision, king of insight".
("Galileo", Indigo Girls)
There was a long silence as I finished the song.
Kevin stirred and turned to face me. "Thank you", he said in a quiet voice as he took my hands. "That meant a lot to me, and I'd like to return the favor". He held my hands close to his heart. "I heard this song a decade ago, right after my father died, and it really helped me work through a lot of the pain and heartbreak". He lowered his eyes and started singing in a mellow baritone...
"The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before And slowly she let him inside…
Well, the young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye She said, "You won't understand and you may as well not try" But her face was a child's and he thought she would cry But she closed herself up like a fan.
She said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread It cuts me inside and often I've bled" He laid his hand then on top of her head And he bowed her down to the ground
And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray And she wanted more than she ever could say But she knew how it frightened her and she turned away And would not look at his face again…
But the crown, it had fallen and she thought she would break And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait She would only be a moment inside
Out in the distance her order was heard And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word And while the queen went on strangling in the solitude she preferred The battle continued on…"
("The Queen and the Soldier", Suzanne Vega)
The sorrow in Kevin's voice was almost palpable, and it almost seemed like his father's death had only just occurred the previous day. Somehow, it felt like for a moment, Kevin had lowered his defenses and was letting me see directly into his heart. I bit my lips to stop from crying at the heartbreak and grief in Kevin's voice. As his voice trailed away, I grabbed him in a wordless embrace.
We lay there in silence, watching the sun set and the blazing sky fade into the dark blue tapestry of night, simply enjoying the comfort of the other's presence.
Countless hours later, Kevin shifted and sat up and at his watch. I understood, with an intangible pang of sorrow, that it was time for him to go. We got up quietly and made our way down to the car.
As we neared the airport, I made a feeble attempt at conversation.
"So, are you ready for the concert tour this summer?"
"Yeah, we're as ready as we'll ever be. The hardest thing is gonna be keeping up the enthusiasm over the three to four months that we'll be on the road, almost constantly touring"
"Lucky you, least you get to tour. I'm stuck here this summer..."
"How so?"
"Well," I began in a bitter voice, "my idiotic department didn't inform that they didn't have any funding for me till a couple of days ago, so now I'm stuck with no research grants and having to find some menial, low-end job just to make ends meet this summer"
Kevin had a thoughtful look on his face as we walked into Logan airport. "Well, would you like to come on tour with us?"
I nearly dropped his bag in surprise. "What?"
"You could come with us... we've been looking for a personal assistant of sorts"
"No offence, but the idea of fetching things for the Backstreet Boys, while any eighteen year-old girl's dream, is exactly enticing"
"It'd be more than that. We need someone to kind of sit in and listen to our rehearsals and performances, and make musical suggestions from time to time. The guys are all comfortable with you, so it wouldn't be a problem"
"Don't you have someone from management or your record company do that?"
"Well, I think we decided that it'd be nice to have someone unbiased come in and provide feedback from time to time, but we just never got around to seriously looking. Don't get me wrong, you'd probably have to help out with concert logistics and stuff from time to time, but your job would definitely be much more than that of a gopher"
I was sorely tempted. Then Kevin told me what the salary was, which was way more than anything I could earn around town and basically decided the issue right there and then. "When do I start?"
"In a couple of weeks. I need to formally clear it with the rest of the guys, and arrange it with the rest of the tour staff. I'll give you a ring to let you know"
"Cool!"
Arriving at the gate, there was a moment of awkward silence as we hugged.
"I guess I'll ... see ya later, Alan"
I whispered into his ear, "Bye, Kev..."
Watching his plane take off, I felt a wave of sorrow sweep over me. It seemed like there was a hole in my life that hadn't been there before, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was.
Then it finally hit me, and my knees went weak with the shock of realization that... I loved Kevin... or felt something very close to that, at any rate.
I stood there in the airport lobby, stunned. I'd promised myself only four months ago that I would NEVER, ever get into another relationship. And here I was, infatuated with a person whose feelings I was unsure of, who was a member of a world-famous musical group, and whom I was going to be in very close contact with on tour for the next four whole months.
What HAD I gotten myself into?
To be continued...
Well, that's it for this chapter. Apologies if it took a little long to develop. I'm trying to set up the next set of chapters, and I promise you that Alan and Kevin will get together soon. Please email any comments that you might have... I find those to be exceedingly helpful.
Ajantis.