___________________________________________________________________________ PLEASE READ: For all those who might be wondering why I had Chapter 5 reposted, I just changed a small detail. It said there that the football game was held in Ivan's school but it was really an away game. That's all. Thank you. Enjoy reading.
Warning: If you don't tolerate or approve of the gay lifestyle please leave now.
This is pure fiction. No one in this story is a real person, living or deceased. Any similarities is just a coincidence. ___________________________________________________________________________
I Shall Believe Chapter 6
Nighttime always lasted a long long time. Ivan had suffered with that knowledge since his life had changed so many times during the dark of night. It had been exactly midnight one night when he had come to the conclusion that he was gay. He had been thinking about the types of people he was attracted to. As hard as he tried to focus on the girls he knew, he always ended up thinking about boys – one boy in particular. It was already another dark night during that fateful dinner when he came out to his parents
and his father ran out on his mother and him. Dusk had just shrouded the sky when the doctors told him that his mother had died and the shock wore off just before dawn when he realized in his heart and his mind and his gut that from that moment on, he'd be alone. And that one endless night of unutterable pain – the night he couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried – had filled his whole life with darkness and left him broken. The worst moments of his life had happened after the darkness had clutched the earth, a darkness that hides everything and only leaves confusion and coldness.
Sitting by the lake however, that night surrounded Ivan with a softer kind of darkness. The light of the moon reflecting from the lake gave Ivan relief. Warm moonlight and Jesse's company, both gave him hope.
"Are you expecting this to be a story trade or something?" Ivan asked Jesse, trying to escape from the subject.
"Yes and no," was Jesse's short reply. Ivan asked why and Jesse said, "Yes because like I said, I just told you one of my biggest secrets. It's only fair for you to tell me yours. And no because I just have to get my own story out there, you know, for my own relief. It felt like I took of a huge weight off my shoulder so if you'd just try it, maybe you'll feel better too."
Ivan tugged on the grass near him as he pondered whether he should trust Jesse. He trusted him with his story but he wasn't so sure if he could trust Jesse with his. They'd only been friends since this morning, how could Jesse just reveal a big secret like that? "Why'd you tell me your secret?" Ivan asked.
"Because I trust you." Jesse smirked. "And because if I told you this one big secret, I'll be able to protect the much bigger ones I have."
"I don't get it."
Jesse rolled his eyes as if the point was really obvious. "If I tell you a big secret, would you assume there's something bigger? Probably not, right?" Ivan nodded. "So once I start telling you secrets, you'll look at me like an open book, as if there's no need to dig for more since I'm telling you everything anyway."
"So basically, you'd lead people to believe that they know you but they really don't." Jesse shook his head yes to Ivan's conclusion. "Any chance you'll tell me the bigger ones?"
"Dude, tell me your story first. That's another benefit right there from the big secret. You can bargain with it."
Ivan took a deep breath. "You're not going to let me leave here without telling you, are you?" Jesse nodded with excitement. Ivan took a gulp from the bottle of beer that Jesse had brought from the party. "One rule though. No interruptions while I talk. Got it?" Jesse nodded again. And with that Ivan started talking about last year.
"It all started last year when the football team won the championship. They threw a huge victory party at Rick Summer's house and of course everyone cool was invited."
"So you weren't there?" Jesse interrupted.
"I said no interruptions!" Ivan slapped Jesse's thigh. "And I was cool back then."
Jesse nodded slowly. "Sure you were."
He glared at him. "Do you want to hear the story or not?" Jesse raised his hands in surrender. Satisfied, Ivan continued.
"It was one those great days that you just can't help but feel really good, you know. I couldn't think of any other day more appropriate so I decided that that would be the day I'd come out to my two best friends."
"So we arrived at the party as usual, the three of us going together in Michael's jeep. See, we had this routine that whenever we go to parties, we'd arrive together and split up to talk to each of our own friends—Michael, his teammates, Alex, her fellow cheer leaders, and me, anyone I know in there. Then after an hour or two, we'd meet in the kitchen. From there, we'd decide if we're going to hang out together or just continue on with our friends. Sometimes, only two of us would hang out while the other had his or her own thing. But after the party, we'd go home together." Jesse snickered and commented on how very Sisterhood of The Travelling Pants the three of them were. The joke earned him a slap on the head from Ivan.
"That night, I was the first to arrive at the kitchen. It was a while later when Michael walked in followed by a very bouncy Alex. I started with the usual, `You guys know you're my best friends, right?' Then I realized that that wasn't the way to start because they both began talking at the same time.
"Michael said, Nice try, buddy, but you're still driving tonight.' While Alex laughed and told me, Sorry. I still won't sleep with you, but we'll find you someone, `kay?'" Ivan smiled as he remembered Alex's drunken slur. She rarely got drunk so that moment was pretty hilarious.
"I didn't know if they were messing with me or anything so after checking if anyone's within earshot, I just blurted it out. I'm gay.' Alex took me by surprise by saying Well duh.' She rolled her eyes and hugged me. `I already knew but I love you for telling us now.'
Ivan giggled. "After saying that, her body tensed up and then she ran out of the room. Michael and I watched her run to the bathroom and we just heard her heaving and the splattering of her puke into the toilet."
Jesse wrinkled his nose. "Thanks for that visual." Ivan laughed. "I appreciate the coming out story but aren't you supposed to tell me about all the hostility between you guys?"
"I will get there as soon as you stop interrupting me." Jesse rolled his eyes and Ivan continued.
"When Alex came back, we three decided to hang out together. We sat down on the backyard lawn and just talked." Ivan smiled wistfully. "It felt so good to just be there with them and talk about our dreams, our hopes, and our plans for the future." Ivan sniffled as felt the tears coming. "It was really great because for a while I had begun to think that we were already growing apart. Michael was with his team, Alex was with her squad, and I had my classmates. So sitting there under the stars with them really soothed me, you know?" Ivan looked at Jesse through his teary eyes for understanding. Jesse just nodded.
"When we finally decided it was time to go home, I told them that I'd go home alone. Of course they were worried and insisted that I should ride with them in Michael's jeep but I refused. I really wanted to do some reflecting on my own." Ivan went silent as he tried to gather his thoughts. He wasn't sure he wanted to tell the next part.
"The morning after, I woke up feeling really bad and it turned out I had caught the flu. Since it was Saturday I didn't have anywhere else to be so I just rested all throughout the weekend." He looked at Jesse who nodded for him to go on. " Monday came and I still wasn't feeling any better so my mother insisted I rest some more so I missed a couple of days of school. When I came back, however, it was like things changed. I thought everyone was staring at me and avoiding me because they were afraid that they might catch the flu but I was wrong. During lunch, I went to our usual table and I saw Michael and Alex with these blank look on their faces.
"Once they saw me, they stood up. Michael was about to say something but students started gathering around us. The whole team was there, the cheer leaders, the people we hang out with at parties, and some of our classmates. They started forming a circle around us and I started feeling weird. I asked Michael and Alex what was going on but they didn't answer me. They didn't even look at me." Ivan sniffled.
""Then Andy Pearson, last year's football captain, stepped forward. Out of the blue he asked me if I was gay. Oh. `Faggot' was the word he actuallyy used. Suddenly everyone was asking questions about me, me and Michael, me in P.E. Class, me in the locker room.
"I didn't know how to answer them. I didn't know if I should just tell the truth or if I should lie. I looked at Alex and Michael but they wouldn't look at me. I was already shaking so I called their names, obvious desperation in my voice. That's when both of them looked at me. Alex quickly avoided my eyes but Michael took a step towards me. He told me to just admit it. So I did." Ivan swallowed, took a deep breath and continued. "After that, there was a moment of silence. Then came the whispering and snickering. I could hear some say that they knew it all along while some were surprised. Slowly, the crowd dispersed and the only ones remaining were three of us. I was trying to make them look at me and ask why this had just happened when Andy called back to Michael. He said, `You're better off without that faggot stalking you all around school Gilner.'
"Then they just walked away. They never even looked at me or said how sorry." Ivan paused. "They didn't even tell me it's all over." A tear escaped from Ivan's eyes as he fell silent.
Jesse waited for Ivan to continue but when he didn't, he understood that it's where the sad story ends. "I won't leave you. –Ever!" That's all Jesse could think of saying at that moment.
"Thanks." Ivan smiled at him. Jesse stood up and pulled him up.
"C'mon. Let's make it official." Jesse held Ivan by the arm and led him by the lake. He bent down looking for something.
"What are you doing?" Ivan asked.
Jesse straightened up with a grin. He took Ivan's hand, put a stone in it and held it close. "From this night forward, I, Jesse Hawke, will always be there for you. I'll be your friend forever." Ivan couldn't help but smile at his goofiness. "This I swear to this lake." Jesse closed his lips but was still smiling. "Your turn."
"Wait. Are you trying to marry me or something?"
Jesse rolled his eyes. "Dude, this is how we make our friendship official!
Some people carve their names on rocks or trees, some cut their thumbs and stick them together while bleeding, and others just take pictures of themselves together, which is very boring by the way." Ivan looked at him strangely. "Come on! It's not like it's going to cost you anything."
"My dignity?" Ivan joked.
"Oh you can be your annoying sarcastic self again after this." Ivan laughed. "Will you just go along with it? The moment's gonna pass by."
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to regret this?" Ivan said.
"Tik-tok, tik-tok, tik-tok." Jesse chanted.
"Ok fine!" Ivan took a deep breath. "From this night forward, I, Ivan Brody, will always be there for you." Ivan rolled his eyes to Jesse who was mouthing the words with him. "I'll be your friend forever. This I swear to this lake."
Ivan was caught off guard when Jesse pecked him on the lips. "What was that for?" Sure it felt like a quick friendly kiss but it still felt good to Ivan.
Jesse was grinning as he spoke. "To seal our vows. And I also thought it will make you feel better." Ivan just shook his head smiling.
Now that they had shared each others' stories, the two talked some more but mostly about their daily life. It was almost three thirty in the morning when they got back to Ivan's house.
Jesse went inside his car and started the engine. Ivan stood by his window to say goodbye. "I'll see you Monday?" Jesse stared at him. Was he going to kiss Ivan again?
"Sure." Jesse grinned. After they had said goodbye, Jesse drove off. Ivan went inside using the back door.
"I hope you feel all better now." He heard in the darkness. He felt for the switch near the door and flicked it on. He was surprised to see Jean who was sitting at the counter playing with the contents of her mug with a spoon.
"Uh, I do?" He replied unsurely.
She went to wash the mug on the sink. "If going out was your way of blowing off some stress, you must have blown away a house of stress by now."
Ivan remained where he stood. "I know. I'm sorry. I should have called."
"Get some sleep. We'll talk in the morning."
Ivan went to his room and fell into his bed. After a few seconds, he was fast asleep. He didn't stir until an hour before noon.
"These are the best pancakes ever!" Jesse said, taking another huge bite with his fork. Unable to sleep, he had spent the remaining hours of the night thinking about his new friend Ivan. As the sun came up he had dozed off and after a few hours of sleep, he had woken up hungry and headed for the diner owned by Ivan's godmother, hoping to see Ivan again before Monday.
"Thanks pumpkin." The little woman replied from the kitchen.
"Hey Jesse, what are you doing here?" Ivan said walking into Jean's diner. The boy looked at him and started talking with his mouth full of pancakes. "What?"
Jesse swallowed and tried again. "I said, I thought about what you told me last night."
"And?"
"You two know each other?" Jean approached them walking back from the kitchen.
"Oh yeah. This is my friend, Jesse." He gestured towards him. "And this is my Aunt Jean."
"Aunt Jean, queen of pancakes." She laughed as Jesse shook her hands. "Nice meeting you."
"Nice to meet you too." She turned to Ivan. "So this is the guy you were with last night?" Ivan was about to speak but she held out her hand. "Wait. Let me get you something to eat first." She went back to the kitchen.
"So?" He asked Jesse.
"She makes great pancakes." Jesse drank some orange juice.
"I mean about last night? What did you think about it?"
"Oh, yeah." Jesse looked at him seriously. "Something doesn't add up."
Crap, he figured it out, Ivan thought. Should he apologize and just tell him what really happened? "You said Michael and Alex dumped you that day right? And since then you've been the token gay guy in school?"
Ivan couldn't tell where the conversation was going. "I guess," He said unsurely.
"I don't see you being bullied for being gay now. Were you bullied then?"
"Not exactly." Ivan had to be careful with his words. "There were a few rude jokes here and there but nothing really dangerous."
"Okay, and Alex and Michael ignored you the rest of the year?"
"Not even a sideways glance." Ivan answered.
"And now?" Jesse asked.
Jean walked back to them and a put a plate of food in front of Ivan. Ivan waited for her to go away. He didn't want her to hear about Michael and Alex but she didn't leave so he decided to answer.
"They're trying to apologize and be friends again."
Jean just nodded.
"See!" Jesse exclaimed. Everyone in the diner looked at him. "Sorry. I got a little excited." He chuckled. "Can't you see? There's still hope for your friendship."
"Well that sucks because I don't want their friendship."
"Ivan..." Jean started.
"No, Pancake Queen." Jesse saw the surprise on her face. "I'm sorry. That was rude, Missus..."
"It's okay. It's Miss Burke." She smiled.
"Right. Sorry. Let me handle this one, okay." Jesse turned to Ivan. "I know this may sound like some teenage movie but what if they ignored you so the people from school would leave you alone?"
"You mean like they had some deal with some bullies and homophobes?" Jesse nodded to Ivan's question. "They didn't actually leave me alone, did they?" Ivan added. Jean was just listening to them silently.
"Still, but you said so yourself. Nothing really dangerous happened." Jesse pointed out.
"Yeah but," Ivan tried to protest but Jesse cut him off.
"And they're apologizing now."
"So what? I'm just going to let it all go? And even if they did it for me that doesn't take back all the times I spent being alone." Jesse sensed the agitation in his voice.
Jesse lifted his hand and spoke gently. "Look, I'm not saying that you should let it all go, that you should forget all about it. I'm just trying to give you a new perspective."
"Whatever." Ivan replied. He stood up. "I'm not hungry anymore." He left the diner.
Ivan drove off in his car. He was confused. He didn't know what to feel. What if Jesse was right, that they just did that so everyone would leave him alone? He scoffed. On purpose or not, he had ended up alone anyway. He stopped the car and parked it on the lot. But now he wouldn't feel alone, he thought as he entered the flower park where he and his mother used to go. The fragrant scent of flowers quickly intoxicated him. He sighed from the comfort it brought him. He felt calmer as he came closer to the oak tree— their spot. Ivan sat under the tree and let his back rest on its trunk. He wrapped his arms around himself and tried to imagine his mother holding him. He let the calmness embrace him and soon he dozed off with a smile.
When Ivan left, Jean decided to close the diner after the remaining customers Had left. Jesse helped her closing and even offered to accompany her to look for Ivan. Jean thanked him but told him no. She saw the worried look on his face so she assured him that she'd talk to him. After not finding him at the house, Jean already knew where to look. Just as expected, Jean found him at the flower park, under the oak tree.
"Hey, pumpkin." Jean shook a sleeping Ivan. "Ivan, wake up." His eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the sun.
"What time is it?" He asked lazily.
"It's almost four." She smiled at him. "Let's get you home."
The drive home was silent and awkward for Ivan. He was embarrassed because he had snapped again. When they arrived at the house, Ivan felt like he needed to say something before getting out of the car. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, pumpkin" She rubbed his shoulder. "But you should really apologize to Jesse. He was just being nice to you."
Ivan exhaled loudly. "I know, I know. I'm such a jerk." She gave him a sympathetic smile and went inside the house.
Ivan followed her inside and found her in the kitchen. She was sitting at the counter and opening a gallon of ice cream. "Cookies and Cream?" he asked.
Jean nodded. "I thought you might need it." She took a bowl from the cupboard above her and held it out to him.
"Thanks." He took the bowl and joined Jean in filling each of their bowls with ice cream.
She looked at Ivan. "Do you know what I realized when you're mother died?" Ivan shook his head no. "I realized that there are a lot of times that I took her for granted."
"Yeah, me too." Ivan took a spoonful of ice cream.
"Do you miss her?"
"Everyday." His voice cracked.
Jean smiled gently. "Wouldn't it be nice to have her in our lives again?"
"I would give everything just to spend another day with her." They grew silent deep in their own thoughts as the ice cream brought them comfort.
"How about Michael and Alex?" Ivan was surprised by the sudden shift of topic.
"What about them? They're the ones who took me for granted."
"Yes but don't you think they must have realized it by now? They're already apologizing to you. What else do you want from them?" Ivan didn't answer. It's not that easy to forgive, he thought. "Those two are your best friends, Ivan. I know they would give everything to have you back. I lost my best friend too."
"But you didn't out my mother in front of the entire school and then leave her all alone, did you?" Ivan challenged.
"No. I wasn't talking about her."
"Then who?" He asked.
"There were three of us as best friends—me, your mother, and our other best friend, Ben." She smiled after saying his name.
"What happened to him?"
"Your mother and I let him get away." Jean replied.
"I don't understand..."
"Ivan, what happened then doesn't matter. The point is your mother and I both regret that day that we lost him. He was our best friend and we left him all alone."
"But what about what Michael and Alex did to me? Am I supposed to just forget about it?"
"You're not even sure why they acted the way they did."
"I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive them yet." Ivan said.
"You don't have to. Just talk to them. Give them a second chance." Ivan silently consumed the ice cream from his bowl. "Pride and anger will just keep you from living your life. Trust me Ivan. I've been there."
Thanks again to Dennis Scott for doing the proof reading and to you guys for reading.
All e-mails, comments, criticisms, thanks, and suggestions, are appreciated. Keep reading guys!