___________________________________________________________________________ Warning: If you don't tolerate or approve of the gay lifestyle please leave now.
This is pure fiction. No one in this story is a real person, living or deceased. Any similarities is just a coincidence. ___________________________________________________________________________
I Shall Believe Chapter 5
"Party!" Jesse cheered. After seeing him, Ivan immediately felt uncomfortable. Jesse was wearing a green v-neck shirt that brought out his eyes paired with dark skinny jeans. Very tight dark skinny jeans. He completed the outfit with red sneakers.
Jesse looked at him. "You're seriously not going with that outfit, right?"
Ivan looked down to his old big shirt and worn out jeans. "Of course not. I was just getting ready" He motioned for him to come in and ascended the stairs.
"What?!" He marched upstairs following Ivan. "You can't not be ready. What were you even doing all this time?"
"I was trying on clothes and waiting for you to call. If you'd just called before Coming here, I could have forced myself to decide faster." He got some clothes from the closet. "What do I even wear to this kind of party?"
"Dude, just wear something casual like jeans and shirt. Oh, and make sure that your shirt brings out your eyes. It gives a little extra." He watched Ivan search through the pile of clothes on his bed.
Ivan stopped to look at him. "Have you even looked at my eyes? Because in case you haven't noticed, they're black. Boring black!" He threw a shirt in Jesse's direction. "I don't have anything to wear!"
"Okay." He grabbed him by the shoulder. "Dude, chill!" Ivan took a deep breath. "Here's a tip. Go safe. You could never go wrong with a printed white top and black jeans."
Ivan nodded as he processed the information. "Yeah, I can definitely wear that." He looked at Jesse expectantly.
"What?"
"I'm gonna change now please."
Jesse laughed. "Dude, we're both guys here. You—
"Just go!" Ivan pushed him out of his room. He could still hear Jesse laughing from behind the shut door.
They took Ivan's car since Jesse was planning to drink. To be fair, he volunteered to drive on the way to the party. "Where's the party anyway?" Ivan asked from the passenger seat.
"You'll see," was his cryptic reply. Ivan noticed them crossing the town's boundary.
"Why are we leaving town?"
"Because the party's in the next town. Duh. There's like zero gay life here."
Ivan nodded in agreement. "Can I ask you a question?"
Jesse glanced at him. "Shoot."
"How did you know I was gay? I mean, I saw you. But you didn't have any exact proof."
"I just knew."
"Am I that obvious?" Jesse laughed at his nervous tone.
"Relax. You're not obvious, but if one really knows what to look for, he'd know." Ivan sighed inwardly. "Plus the rumors about you pretty much confirmed it for me." The panic came back stronger. "You should seriously hear the things everyone has been saying about—
"What did they say?" He asked quickly.
Jesse looked at him strangely. "Nothing major really. Just the usual he's a fag' or he's gay', you know." Ivan relaxed a little. "Why are you so worked up about it anyway?" When Ivan didn't answer, he continued. "Look. You can't let what other people say about you get to you. I mean, does it even matter? It's not like you're still in the closet."
"I was forced out of the closet." Ivan replied harshly.
Jesse was surprised by his emotion. "Sorry. I didn't know." He glanced at him. "But you know what Ivan, you can't snap at me or any people just because we don't get you." Ivan looked at him. Jesse took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm saying this as a friend. Okay? And yes I realize that we're still new at this. It's just that if you want people to hear you, speak up. If you want people to understand you, explain. If you want people to feel you, then open up." Ivan once again found himself moved by his new friend's words. But he just doesn't understand, Ivan thought. Then again, he had never explained himself to anybody, had he? His thoughts were broken when Jesse burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"I'm sorry. The last part could totally have a different meaning." He said in between laughs. Ivan recalled his words and when he got it, he joined his new friend in laughter.
After a thirty minute drive, the car started slowing down. "We're here." Jesse announced after stopping the car in front of a two-story house. Some cars were parked nearby and some guys were still going inside.
"So here's the deal. Your name is Ivan and you're a math major."
"What? We're still in..." His eyes grew wide. "Don't tell me this is—
"A geeks' party? No. College party with horny college guys? Totally!" Jesse resumed moving towards the house but Ivan grabbed his arm.
"I can't believe you. I mean, is this even legal?" Jesse made a face saying `duh.' "And math major? I suck at math!"
"Yes. Suck. Suck is the right word. Keep saying that and, dude, guys will be all over you." He turned to walk.
"Are you even listening to me?" Ivan asked once they reached the door.
Jesse sighed impatiently. "What is the big deal? I thought you were supposed to be this super smart kid."
"But I'm bad at math!"
"And I'm bad at being patient." He opened the door. "Let's go."
"Jesse!"
Jesse held up his finger like a mother would scold his son. "Okay. What did we talk about snapping at people?"
"No!" Ivan grabbed his hand down. "No, no. You see, I have a right to be mad. I'm explaining now, and you're not even listening!"
"You are such a drama queen!" He laughed at him and stepped inside.
Ivan had to stop to take in the whole place. By the looks of it, every one already had at least someone. There were guys everywhere. Hot guys. Some were topless while some were dressed just like Jesse and him. The entrance led to a low stairway and half way up the stairs were two guys making out. There were a few more couples scattered around doing the same while some others groping and feeling each other. It was obviously the foreplay room.
"Jesse?" He looked around but it looked like Jesse already left the room. He couldn't believe that Jesse had invited him just to leave him. He decided to explore the house but went to the kitchen first. Other than a couple eating each others' faces on the counter, the room was empty. He walked quietly to the fridge to look for some water.
"If you're looking for beers, they're on the tub down the hall." The guy who was sitting on the counter told him as his partner kissed his neck.
"Uh, thanks." He nodded and the guy winked at him. Ivan was surprised. The guy was right there, already having his way with a guy and yet he still hit on Ivan? He went to the next room which turned out to be the living room. In one corner, guys were sprawled on the floor and on the couch watching porn and in the middle of the room was a group of naked guys playing a game.
"Your turn!" One of the guys shouted to another in the group. "Shoot or dare?"
"Shoot!" The guy said proudly. Ivan looked for a ball, a hoop or anything that the guy would use. Realizing there was none, his eyes went back to the guy. He was amazed by what he saw. The guy was jerking off!
"Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!" The group cheered while the others around them— not playing—minded their own business. After a few minutes, the guy shot his load into the face of another guy sitting beside him. The group cheered louder.
"You look..." A dark guy approached him with a baritone voice giving Ivan a once over. Ivan felt he was being judged. "Fresh." He said with a smile, revealing his white teeth and adorable dimples.
Ivan didn't know how to respond. Was he flirting with him? Should he flirt back? Or should he play it cool? Hard to get? Seeing that the guy was waiting for him to answer. He said, "Thanks?"
He chuckled. "Baby, don't thank me yet." His low voice revealed some raspiness. He moved his head closer to Ivan.
"Uhm." Ivan quickly took a step backward. The black guy looked at him strangely.
"Oh." He laughed. "You want to get your boyfriend's permission first?" Ivan shook his head. The guy made a step closer to him. "A threesome maybe?"
Ivan laughed nervously. "I have to pee." He quickly walked up the stairs saying excuse me to the busy couple on his way. Unlike downstairs, it was pretty quiet on the second floor. There were portraits of people on the hallway wall. He examined them and thought they must live there. At the end of the series of pictures was a door. "Sshh!" He heard voices coming from the stairs. Wanting to avoid whoever they were, he opened the door quickly and went inside. "Oh my god!" He said in surprise when he saw a guy lying on his back with his legs raised on another guy's shoulder who was pumping into him. The guy stopped in mid pump upon hearing his voice. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry." He stepped backwards.
The guy grinned. "It's okay." He pulled off from his partner to reveal a long thick cock covered with a condom. He walked seductively towards Ivan. "Wanna join us?" Ivan took another step back and felt the door behind him. He turned the knob and quickly went outside to shut door.
"There you are!" Ivan leapt to Jesse's voice. "Dude, I was looking all over for you." He went to Ivan and offered the beer in his hand.
"For a second there I thought you were already in one of the rooms fucking your brains out."
He shook his head to the beer as he sat down against the wall. "Driver, remember?" Jesse smiled and started drinking from it. "And no. That'd be you, asshole." Beer spattered from his mouth and nose.
He coughed. "What's up with you?"
Ivan scoffed. "You invited me here and then you left me alone. I don't even know anyone here, Jesse."
"What? You're the one who was too excited to explore the place." Jesse explained how he went to look for his friend to introduce Ivan and when he came back Ivan was already gone.
"I thought you didn't care and already went ahead." Ivan said meekly.
He chuckled. "You're one paranoid dude, you know that?" Ivan blushed. "I can't leave you here. Like you said, you don't know anyone here. And besides, you're my friend and I brought you here to bond."
He looked at Jesse sincerely. "Thanks but I've got to be honest though. This isn't really my thing."
"What? Bonding?"
Ivan laughed. "No. You goof! Parties. It's not really my thing anymore."
"Okay." He smiled at him and offered his hand. Ivan took it and he pulled him up. "Come on."
In a school n another town, the away game had just finished with Michael's team losing. The coach had already left, probably waiting for the team at the lockers. Michael stood up from the bench shaking his head.
"Thanks a lot captain." Rick Summers, his teammate sneered at him. "Why don't you use your time studying rather than crying about your faggot boyfriend?"
Faggot boyfriend rang in his ears but he ignored it. Ivan wouldn't like it if he heard about him involved in a fight. "I would if you start working on your game. You suck Summers." He walked away.
Rick laughed. "No. That'd be your queer `boyfriend' the cock—
Rick was tackled to the ground by a very angry Michael. "You got a problem?!" He was about to throw a punch at Rick's eye when the rest of the team hurried to separate them. After they were pulled up, Rick was laughing and that made him want to knock him down again. Another player, Jake Ryan, blocked his way. "He's not worth it, man." But Michael wasn't listening. The jerk was talking about Ivan. He wasn't going to let anyone call him that. He tried to charge at Rick again but the his team mates held him. Jake who was still facing him put a hand on his chest to stop him. "With you flunking and then starting a fight, coach will not think twice about kicking you off the team."
"Listen to him captain Michael. He's probably smarter than you anyway." Rick smirked. Michael struggled to get away from the arms restraining him.
Jake scoffed, turned around and punched Rick's jaw. Rick was about to fight back but the others quickly held him off. "That good enough for you?" Michael grinned. Jake put his arm around his shoulder and led him to the locker room.
"Thanks man." Michael said.
"Don't mention it. Besides, I've wanted to do that since you guys hazed me during freshman year." Michael looked at him, laughed and ruffled his hair.
After Ivan told him that he didn't really like parties anymore, Jesse insisted they drive back home. Once there, Ivan parked his car in the driveway. Jesse got out and took the pack of beer he swiped from the party. "I guess this is goodnight." Ivan approached with his hands buried in his pocket.
"What? No. We're still doing plan B." He raised the six pack on his hand.
Ivan looked at the beer. "Plan B?"
Jesse motioned for them to walk and Ivan followed him. "Yes. Plan B because Plan A didn't work."
"I know that."
Jesse laughed. "Of course. I totally blanked on the fact that you're a genius" Ivan smiled at him. "Who's apparently bad at math by the way." That earned him a nudge on the shoulder. "Plan A was going to a party—
"Slash orgy." Ivan added.
Jesse rolled his eyes. "Slash pretty normal party for a Friday night in my world, thank you very much. Now, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted." He paused to scowl at Ivan. "Plan A was party. The party was a way of finding out if I really am wrong about you; that you're not the person I thought you are. Plan A obviously failed hence, time for Plan B."
"And that being?"
"A moonlit pool of mystery within a forest." Jesse smiled proudly.
Ivan laughed to his poor attempt at a riddle. "We're going to the lake?"
"What?!" He sounded genuinely surprised. "How did you figure that out?"
"Hush! Do you want wake up the whole town?" Jesse mumbled an apology. "It's easy. The lake is surrounded by a forest and of course at night, it's lighted by the moon." Ivan explained.
"You've been there?" He asked to Ivan.
"Yeah, when I was in grade school. The three of us—Michael, Alex and me— used to hang out there during the weekends."
"Alex? Alex the cheerleader?"
"No. Alex the head cheerleader. But I knew her as Alexandra Erb."
Jesse smiled in amazement. "So you're telling me that you used to be friends with the captain of the jerk team and the head of the cheer bitches?"
Ivan snickered. "Yeah. Used to." The houses were getting fewer as they walked. He accepted the beer that Jesse offered since he wouldn't be driving anymore. After having two bottles himself and Jesse consuming three, finally, they reached the thick armor of trees protecting the lake. Jesse let Ivan lead the way since he'd been there only a few times compared to Ivan's whole childhood.
They were silent as they treaded the bare earth. The only audible sounds were the crickets and twigs snapping under their feet. The trees began to thin, seeming to spread apart as if welcoming the two boys.
"I thought I'll never see this place again." Ivan whispered to himself as the moonlit lake met his eyes. The lake used to be a common spot for the locals but just as Ivan and his best friends grew up, the locals and the lake grew apart. Ivan loved the lake but Alex and Michael were more than ready for the next hot spot in town. Ivan had hated to say goodbye to the lake and their spot. To him, it felt like saying goodbye to a part of his childhood. However, everything was still there; the wild flowers sprouting wherever they pleased, the green grass that tickled his feet every time they had played tag bare foot, the trees stretching to the skies protecting them from everything that lies beyond, and the lake—especially the lake. He'd always loved the lake for its stillness. It's peacefulness. After a disturbance by the wind, the animals or even the people, it still managed to find its way back to its beautiful tranquility.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Jesse said quietly.
"It's one of the most beautiful places I've known."
Jesse smiled at him. "I didn't mean the place. Yes, the place is beautiful but it's the silence and the stillness. It soothes me." Ivan nodded in agreement, sat on the moist grass and let the place take him away.
Jesse watched Ivan intently. He knew how Ivan felt. Alone. He already knew the history about Michael and Alex but he wanted to hear the story from Ivan himself. "What happened to the three of you anyway?" He prodded.
"Hmm?" Ivan asked with his eyes still closed.
"You, Michael and Alex. You said you guys `used to' be friends."
"It's long story." That's what Jesse thought. Even though he knew he could argue that they still had a long night ahead of them, he decided not pry for now.
Ivan was glad that Jesse didn't press him to tell the story because he knew That he probably would tell him if he did. He didn't know whether it was the comforting presence of the lake making him feel safe, or the beer blurring his judgment. Whichever it is, it made Ivan feel vulnerable. It scared and tempted him, both at the same time.
"I tried to kill myself." Jesse confessed.
Ivan's eyes shot open. "What?"
"I had a boyfriend. I was so in love with him but he broke up with me." Ivan listened intently. He had a feeling that this was the first time Jesse had ever talked about it. "But I didn't break down then. Don't get me wrong. I cried about it but..." Jesse cleared his throat before continuing. "But it's nothing compared to how I felt when I found out later that it was just all a lie. He had a bet with his friends. He told them that he could get me to offer myself to him in less than a month." He sniffed. "I had sex with him after a week and a half from the day we met." Ivan looked at him questioningly. "I know. It was stupid—"
"You're not stupid." Ivan said. To which Jesse smiled though the tears that started falling from his eyes.
"But I fell for him anyway. He was so sweet and so cute. It felt so real." Ivan reached out his hand and rubbed his back. "I was out then. I'm pretty much out all the time." He laughed to himself. "But that day after school I found out about the bet with his friends. My father told me how
stupid I was for believing him. And that night, I stabbed myself." Ivan's eyes grew as he imagined how terrifying that was, trying to hurt one's self.
Jesse stood up and showed the scar on his stomach. "Guess I wan't as determined as I thought I was. I was too scared to stab my heart. So I went for my stomach instead."
Ivan instantly remembered what he said the first day they met. He had told him how happy people like Jesse pissed him off. "Jesse, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. It's not your fault." Ivan just nodded. "Anyway, they found me right on time and got me to the hospital. After I recovered, I was sent to visit a shrink thrice a week. Then I told my parents that I didn't want to go back to the school anymore. The psychiatrist supported my decision and prescribed me medications for my depression. A few days later, we moved here and I met you on my first day in school."
"And I was an ass for telling you that happy people like you piss me off." Ivan looked at him sincerely. "I'm really sorry."
"It's okay. Like I said then, you don't even know me. And besides, I gave you the finger then. It already made me feel better." They both laughed at that. "We both have to blame that stupid psychiatrist. She told me that I should always smile because if I always do it, then someday, I'm going to feel like it."
"How do you feel now?" He saw the look of concern on Ivan's face.
"A mess!" Jesse laughed. "Considering that I just told you one of my darkest secrets."
Ivan smiled at his attempt to lighten up the mood. "I meant `how are you feeling lately?'"
"Okay, I guess." Jesse took a minute to compose his thoughts. "It's actually kinda weird though. Like some days, I know that I am sad especially if something or someone makes me remember of what happened but the weird thing is I don't feel anything. I know I should feel sad but all I could feel was nothing. And when I'm actually happy, it's like I'm twice as much happy." When Ivan asked how come he cried tonight, Jesse chuckled. "The pills fight depression. Not tears. Besides, I didn't take any tonight."
"Wait. Isn't that risky?"
He nodded. "It is but you keep me well entertained though." He grinned at Ivan. "So are you going to tell me what happened between the three of you?"
"It's a long story." Ivan excused.
Jesse smiled. "The night is still young."
Thank you again for reading. I would really like to thank the awesome person who proof reads my work, Dennis Scott. I really appreciate all the e-mails. If you have some advice and suggestions about the story and my writing, I insist you e-mail me. Keep on reading!