___________________________________________________________________________ Warning: If you don't tolerate or approve of the gay lifestyle please leave now.
This is pure fiction. No one in this story is a real person, living or deceased. Any similarities is just a coincidence. ___________________________________________________________________________
I Shall Believe Chapter 3
That morning, Ivan woke unusually early. Part of it was because he was late yesterday but the main reason was his head was filled with questions. He was sure who's getting a blow job last night on the alley. He could recognize his voice. Was he gay? Or maybe the other was just a girl with short hair. And if he was indeed gay, how did Ivan feel about it? More importantly, what would he do about it? Ivan hadn't met anyone gay in school like himself. There were a few gay guys on their school and most of them were flaming queens. It's not that Ivan had anything against them. He was just not into it. The remaining gay guys, on the other hand, were so far in the closet they avoid contact with other gay guys. That leaves Ivan and him.
"Ivan? Are you okay?" Jean shook his arm.
Ivan blinked. "Oh. I'm sorry. You were saying?" Jean chuckled. They ate a typical breakfast of pancakes, bacon and eggs with a light conversation about Ivan's life in school. Ivan made it sure to steer the conversation away from his social life.
"Your mother and I have always known you were a brilliant kid. If you keep your grades up, you could even graduate a year early." She put her hand on his arm. "Rose would be so proud of you."
Ivan looked down to his plate. He drank from his cup of hot chocolate and met her gaze. "I know. I just wish she'd be here to see it all."
"I know, pumpkin." Jean's eyes started to water. "But she's always with us. In our hearts. Don't forget that, okay?" He just nodded, not trusting his voice.
She looked at the clock on the wall opposite of the counter. "Now, get outta here or you'll be late again."
He glanced at the clock and saw that he only has ten minutes left to pedal his way to school. "Crap!" He grabbed his bag and ran. "Thanks for breakfast!" He missed his car, especially the air conditioning. If only he had money for gas.
He made it on time, sweating all over and out of breath. Someone from the back of the room made a joke about Ivan too busy spying on the locker room after the football team's morning run. The room went silent like they were waiting for his response.
"Of course you'd know. You were there with me." He quipped back. The whole class laughed at that while the other guy blushed. That lightened Ivan's usual bitter mood during school. The students laughed with him not at him.
The class started and since he already did some advanced reading about the day's lecture, he let his mind drift off about who he saw last night. Should he approach him about it? Maybe he should just leave it alone. It's not like their even friends, but Ivan was really dying to know. He might even let him be his friend if he turned out to be gay.
Ivan decided to just confront him with the question. He was already on his way to the cafeteria when he saw Alex approaching. "You know this is getting pretty old." He said once she was within earshot. "You seriously need to stop apologizing because I'll never forgive you." He walked past her but she grabbed his arm and dragged his arm to the side of the path. A wave of fear washed over him.
"No. You know what's getting old? You being a total bitch! What is wrong with you? Michael was literally begging you to help him. You know how important football is to..." She drifted off after seeing Ivan wide eyed and trembling. "Ivan?" She peered into his eyes. "Are you okay?" He wasn't responding. She tugged on his arm.
"No! Stay away!" Ivan suddenly wrapped himself into a ball on the floor. Alex tried to replay what just happened while students started gathering around them. "Ivan, what's going on?" She crouched down slowly. "You're really starting to freak me out here." She lightly touched his shoulder.
"No! Please!" Ivan screamed and started bawling. Alex took a step back in surprise. The crowd grew but every one of them just watched the scene in front of them. Some looked concerned while others exchanged whispers.
"Oh my god. Ivan, what's happening?" Alex started to panic.
Michael was on his way for lunch when he saw students forming on the hallway. "What's this about?" Michael tried to look over the crowd. "Is that Ivan?" A girl beside him nodded. "Jesus. What the hell are you people doing just standing here?" He pushed through the crowd and ran towards the boy. "Show's over! Go away!" He shouted. Realizing he meant it, they left. He looked at Ivan who was still on the floor with his arms wrapped around his legs. "Ivan?"
Alex tried to explain. "I don't know what happened. I was just talking to him and then..." She started crying. "It's my fault."
Michael sat down in front of Ivan and lightly shook him. "Hey, buddy. It's me." He slowly moved closer to the boy. He lifted Ivan's head.
"No! Please!" He cried as he struggled from Michael's hands.
"Shhh. It's okay. Ivan. It's me. Mikey." He held Ivan's face and looked at him intensely. "It's me Ivan. Mikey."
To his surprise, the crying boy leapt into him and buried his face on his chest. The boy wrapped his arms tightly around Michael as he cried.
Michael held him and whispered, "It's going to be okay, Ivan. I'm here now." Alex carefully approached the two and rubbed Ivan's back.
There was an awkward silence after Ivan's sobbing stopped and he slowly became aware of the big arms holding him and the gentle hand rubbing his back. He quickly pulled away and stood up. The world suddenly spun and his vision started to blur. He blinked his eyes to clear his vision but it didn't help. He heard the two of them calling his name before it all went black.
"Hey sweetie, wake up." Ivan could feel a hand stroking his cheek. "It's me." It felt so good to Ivan hearing that voice again. "C'mon. I know you're awake. Or maybe..." He could feel the smile in those words. "I could just tickle you awake."
"No!" Ivan giggled as he opened his eyes. His sight was greeted by the kindest face he knew. Her bright green eyes looked at him dearly and her long blond hair were especially lighter in the afternoon sun. His heart flooded of joy with the sight of her. His eyes started to water, something that she noticed immediately.
"What's wrong?" Her voice was gentle as always while she scanned his face with concern.
"Nothing. I just had a bad dream." He sat up beside her. He leaned back on the oak tree and let his hands rest on the grass. "But you're here now." Tears were squeezed from his eyes upon smiling.
"Aw. My baby's crying. Come here." She held her out her arms and Ivan gladly let himself be wrapped inside her loving arms. "Do you want to talk about it?"She said to his ears. Ivan shook his head no. "Okay." They enjoyed the comfortable silence. The flowers surrounding them filled the air with pleasant fragrance. "I can't believe you're letting me hug you in public here at the park." They both laughed at that.
"I just miss you that's all." He buried his face on her neck. He could smell her lavender perfume. It was her favorite scent. "Mom?"
"Hm?"
He pulled away from her. "I love you."
"Oh god. What kind of trouble did you get into now?"
"Mom! I'm serious!" He mustered his most serious face. "I love you and I'm so lucky that you're my mother."
She looked at him strangely then smiled. "I love you too." They hugged briefly. "Okay. Which planet are you from and what did you do to my son?"
"We gave him to this caffeine junkie who's obsessed with lavender." Ivan laughed. "C'mon, mom. Coffee afternoon! Chop, chop." She shook her head smiling and took the thermos and two mugs from the picnic basket laying beside them.
On their way home, Ivan sat on the back seat of his mother's car. "So what are you in the mood for?" His mother asked from the driver's seat.
"Uh... Your pick this time." He answered as he stared out through the window. A few seconds later, he could hear Abba playing in the car.
His mother scanned him on the rearview mirror. "Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong?" She quoted the song that was playing.
"Nothing."
"Don't `nothing' me. C'mon spill." She spoke to the mirror. Ivan didn't answer and continued to stare outside. "Sweetie, you have to forgive them soon." That made him look at her. "They're you're best friends. They love you. I'm sure there's an explanation about what happened."
"You don't know that."
"And you won't either if you shut both of them out. Give them a chance."
"Whatever."
His mother sighed. "Well, if you don't want to listen to me at least listen to the next song. It'd probably cheer you up." Of course Ivan knew what the next song was. His mother listened to this album most of the time while driving. She glanced back to him and grinned then Dancing Queen started playing. They sang along while doing some gestures and dancing as much as their positions would allow them.
As he sang, Ivan looked through the window and saw a little boy laughing at him. It gave him goosebumps but he ignored it and resumed singing with his mother. The car stopped on a red light.
"I wish Jean was here." She said to no one in particular. An old man passed by their car and winked at Ivan. His mother would comment on that, he thought.
"Gross. His old enough to be your grandfather." His mother made a gagging sound. Ivan imagined the old man running into the officer down the street.
"Hey, watch where you're going!" The officer shouted to the old man. His body trembled involuntarily. It was all happening. Ivan couldn't believe he didn't notice it. "Mom?" This was it. This was the day. "Mom? I think I left something at the park." This couldn't be happening all over again. "Please,mom. We have to turn back." Tears started to form on his eyes as he panicked.
"Don't be so upset, sweetie. It will be okay." She looked at him and smiled reassuringly.
"No. You don't understand. I had this dream!" Tears were now flowing freely on his face.
"What makes you think this is reality?"
That confused him but the traffic light caught his attention. It already turned green. "Mom, no!"
The car slowly moved forward. "It's time, sweetie."
He shook his head frantically. "No, no. Don't say that. Stop the car!" He lunged behind her seat and tried his best to hug her. "Mom, listen to me. If you don't stop the car, a truck is going to hit us."
She put a hand on his arm. "I love you Ivan." She smiled at him. "It's gonna be okay."
Ivan could hear the familiar screeching of tires. "No, it won't!" He could see the truck getting nearer. Ivan closed his eyes as he held on to her tighter. "Mom!"
"I can't breathe. I—Ivan." He opened his eyes and saw white curtain surrounding him. "Can't... Breathe..." It was only then that he realized that he has his arms around somebody's neck. He immediately let go.
"I'm sorry." He looked at Michael sheepishly.
After catching his breath, Michael sat down on a nearby chair. "It's okay. I'm just glad you're alright."
Ivan didn't know what to say to him. His thoughts were still a mess. "What are you doing here?" Ivan asked him. Michael was about to say something when the curtains opened. It revealed a woman and a wall with charts of the human anatomy.
"Oh, good. You're awake. I wondered what all that yelling was about." The woman was the school nurse. "How are you feeling?" She went to examine him.
"Okay, I guess. Just a little light headed." He sat up on the bed.
She tapped on his shoulder. "Just lay there for a few minutes and it will get better." She turned to leave. "I'll just call your guardian."
The only guardian I have is dead, he thought. "Actually no. I have to get to class." Ivan abruptly stood up and the room started spinning. "Woah." He said as he wobbled in place.
Michael quickly got up behind him and held him by the waist. "Easy there.
I got you." He sat Ivan back down on the bed and kept him in place with his hands on his shoulders. The nurse nodded thanks to him and left. "Stay here and rest." He said firmly.
"No, Mikey! I'm fine." Ivan was surprised to hear the whine in his voice but more importantly when he called the other boy Mikey. "Look, Michael. I'm sorry." When he didn't respond, he slowly turned his head to see Michael grinning. "What?"
"You called me Mikey!" He was beaming. Crap, Ivan thought.
He tried to sound cold. "No, I didn't."
"Yes you did. I heard you."
"You heard wrong." Ivan said in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Okay. If that's your story..." Michael grinned. "Benny!"
Ivan gasped. "Mikey! You promised—
"See! There it is again!" Michael was laughing. Ivan could feel it coming and he tried hard to fight it. Just as he was about to lose it and start laughing with him, Michael spoke. "I miss you, Benny."
The happiness was quick to be replaced by bitterness. "Well, it's your fault."
Michael was taken aback by the sudden change of mood but tried to sound cheerful. "Hey, I'm sorry. I just thought—
"You just thought what? That you can make me laugh again and then all else will be forgotten?"
Michael grew serious. "No, of course not. I will never forget that day."
"What are you even doing here anyway?"
"Christ, Ivan! You fainted. Alex and I were worried. She went and talked to your teachers while I stayed here to watch you."
Ivan looked at the wall. "Well I'm okay now so you can go."
Michael sighed as he stood to leave. "Even though you might think of the contrary, I'm still on your side. I'll always be your best friend." He waited for a response from Ivan. Anything. But he seemed so absorbed staring at the green wall. He didn't want him to be upset anymore than he is so Michael just left it at that.
Michael was sitting on the bleachers overlooking the field. He actually preferred looking at from a distance rather than playing on it. It's not that he didn't like playing football. He liked it but never loved it. But he knew that it was the only thing he has because without the game, he would be nothing; nothing to his teachers, to his classmates and to his parents. The worst part was that he'd never be able to protect Ivan, his best friend who's slowly slipping away. He smiled as he remembered their banter in the school clinic. Ivan never called him Mikey before, not since high school started. Maybe there's still hope for their friendship, he thought.
"I thought I'd find you here." Alex sat beside him. She put her arm Around his shoulders and asked, "How is he?"
"Alone and angry. And it's all my fault."
"You don't have to do this." Ivan said as Jean carried her bags to the guest room. She picked him up from the clinic and then drove him to the doctor to get him checked up. After the doctor announced what happened to Ivan was due to stress, she insisted on moving in for at least a week."Especially closing the diner early for rest of the week."
She dropped her bags and sat down on the bed. "Are you kidding me? If I don't do this, Rose would roll out of her grave just to kill me." Ivan just smiled. "Come here. Sit beside your Aunt Jean." She patted the bed. "What's going on?"
Ivan sighed. "I don't know. The doctor said I was stressed then my god mother went all crazy pushing her way into the house."
Jean's mouth gaped. "You're gonna regret that you little smart-ass!" She wiggled her fingers.
Ivan giggled to the thought of being tickled. "No!" He ran out of the room. Ivan hid behind the couch. He wondered if Jean would really run after him. He suddenly realized it was so stupid and childish to be playing a game like this when had bigger problems to think about like money, bills and the house.
Jean approached him from behind and tickled him. "Gotcha!"
Ivan was laughing hard on his back. "I give! I give!" Ivan screamed.
Their laughter died when the answering machine beeped. "You have one hundred and seventy one messages."
"One hundred and seventy one!" Jean slapped his head.
He rose up and settled down on the sofa. "I was busy." He mumbled.
"No. You weren't thinking." Jean stood in front of him, hands on her waist. Ivan didn't respond. "Well?"
"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know how to handle all this." Ivan's voice raised in frustration. "What are you even expecting from me? I'm just seventeen! I don't know how to manage all of this. I don't even know who to talk to."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm broke okay? All the money that I saved up before mom died are now gone and I'm sure her bank account will be drained soon by the bills." He was on the verge of tears but she just smiled at him. "What?"
"You are just like your mother, blowing things out of proportion." She slipped her arm around his back and rubbed his side.
Ivan pushed her hand away. "It tickles."
"Why don't you take a nap? You need it. You've had a long day. I'm going to explain everything to you later."
"Okay." Ivan went up the stairs to his room and plopped himself on the bed. After a few minutes, he was softly snoring.
A few hours later, Ivan was woken up by Jean shouting dinner from downstairs. After using the bathroom, he proceeded to the kitchen. "What took you so long?" Jean said putting down the phone in her hand. "Relieving some stress?"
Ivan crinkled his nose. "You did not just ask me that."
"What? I may not have a son but it's not like I've never known any boys your age. I swear you boys think about sex twenty-four seven." The door bell rang.
"Well not this boy." Ivan turned and walked to the door. "What's for dinner anyway?" He opened the door to see a delivery guy carrying three boxes of pizza.
Jean ran to the door and handed the guy money. "That'd be all, thanks." Ivan took the pizza and she closed the door.
He put the pizza down on the dining table just outside the kitchen. "You know, when you said dinner I thought of something more like real food. Especially from someone who owns a diner."
She sat down and grabbed a pizza. "Oh, give me a break. I'm always cooking there. I need a break and besides, I listened to those million messages you never took and I had to return some calls."
"Anything interesting?" He meekly took a bite from his piece.
"Funny you should say that. There were these interesting messages from Alex and Michael. They must've sent half of all those messages." She replied after swallowing. Ivan just stared at his pizza. "Want to talk about it?"
He shook his head no. "Not really. I have bigger problems like being broke. Remember?"
Jean laughed. "Of course I remember! How could I forget such a thing."
"I'm glad you think this is funny Aunt Jean."
"Awww. Don't get mad." She gathered herself and told him that Rose already built up a trust fund for him and his college education. "But there's a catch though." He raised his eyebrow. "You could only take a certain amount of money each month and the accounts are frozen until your nineteen."
Ivan shook his head, smiling. "Leave it to mom to make sure I'm making an effort."
"That's your mother alright. She always believed that things have to be earned." Like forgiveness, Ivan thought. "Anyway, look at the bright side. You already have a job." He just nodded. "Hey, what's going on inside your head?"
"Nothing. Just stuff."
She looked at him. "You know, Ivan. One of these days you're going to have to let someone in. You do realize that, right?" He just nodded.
Ivan spent the night turning on his bed, pondering about Jean's words. Letting people into one's life is hard because once they're in, they already have a power over you; the power to disappoint you, hurt you, or worse, leave you. But which is really harder, letting people in or letting people back in?
The smell of French toast tickled him awake the next morning. He prepared for school before going downstairs to eat.
"Good morning!" Jean greeted him without looking away from the eggs she was frying. He grunted in response.
Ivan was concentrating on eating his breakfast when he noticed Jean went quiet. He looked up to see her looking at him oddly. He sighed impatiently. "What?"
She smiled over the cup she was holding. "Nothing. It's just that I thought your mother was exaggerating about you not being a morning person." He rolled his eyes. "Okay. I know something that might cheer you up though."
He looked at her expectantly but it seemed like she wanted it to be a conversation. "Well?" He asked trying to mask the exasperation in his voice. She chuckled as she put her cup down.
"Oh my god. We really need to work on that." Ivan sighed again. "Here it goes. You, drum roll please..." She tapped on the counter. He rolled his eyes.
"Do you want to know or not?"
Ivan shrugged. "Fine. Sorry."
"Now where was I?" She paused. "Oh, yeah. Drum roll please... You can use the car again!" She clapped excitedly. "I filled it up this morning."
That seemed to make him less irritated. He stood up to get his backpack. "You're welcome!" She called after him. He just raised his hand in response which raised another laugh from Jean.
Upon seeing his blue convertible, Ivan felt warmth inside him. He didn't have to use the bicycle again! Goodbye perspiration, hello air conditioning, Ivan thought as he climbed in. He drove to school listening to the radio and singing along to the songs he knew. After parking his car, he saw Michael yelling to a boy.
"You better get your car out of there. That is my spot." He yelled.
Ivan heard the other guy as he came nearer. "Dude, get over it. It's not like this spot has your name written on it." Ivan shook his head as he recognized the voice.
"Well, well. Look who made a hobby of taking other people's spots." Ivan stood in between them.
"You know this guy?" Michael asked him.
Ivan looked at Jesse who was looking at him expectantly. "Yeah. He's my friend." Jesse smiled in relief. "Leave him alone."
Michael opened his mouth to complain. "I said leave him alone." Ivan said strongly. Michael's blue eyes stared at Ivan then glared at Jesse.
Michael shook his head and turned to leave. "Unbelievable." He muttered under his breath.
Jesse whooped. "You literally saved my ass. Dude, I owe you one!"
Ivan smiled at him wickedly. "Why don't we rephrase that? You owe me... the truth." Jesse raised an eyebrow. "Are you gay?"
Again, I want to say thank you for those who people who e-mail me. What do you guys think of the story so far? Comments are appreciated. Thanks for reading guys!