Warning: If you don't tolerate or approve of the gay lifestyle please leave now.
This story is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ___________________________________________________________________________
Everybody was supposed to have been at Ivan's house thirty minutes ago. They'd all agreed to meet then and there, but nobody was in sight. Ivan was pacing impatiently around in their living room. The last time Ivan had called him, Michael had said that he was already on his way to pick up Alex. On the other hand, Jesse had not been answering any of his calls. He didn't want to sound like the dance was a big deal to him but he couldn't help asking himself, "Why the hell is everyone late?"
Jean was amused by how Ivan was acting. "Pumpkin, stop pacing. A couple of more rounds and the carpet will start burning."
Ivan stopped himself from taking another step and tried to redirect his attention by standing in front of the full-length mirror near the staircase to look at his reflection. The tux that Jean had lent him fitted him perfectly. It was almost as if it had been tailored for him especially.
But in addition to his image, the mirror also reflected the clock. And that reminded him of the situation. "Why is everyone late?" He said to no one in particular, sounding a little more annoyed than he intended.
"Don't worry. All the cool kids go to these kinds of things late." Jean offered with a smile. "It's the golden rule: Late entrance, early exit."
Ivan scoffed and started pacing again. "Well my golden rule is more like, `Making people wait does not make you cool.' It's rude."
"Are you nervous?" Jean asked, although it was kind of obvious to her.
"I am not." Ivan said defensively. "I just really don't like waiting for people, especially if there's some place we have to be."
Jean just smiled. "Whatever you say, Pumpkin."
"Let me try Jesse one more time." He said, picking up the phone. He sat down and dialed Jesse's phone number.
The line was still ringing when Ivan heard the door bell. He immediately jumped up from the couch and said, "That must be Jesse."
Ivan walked quickly to the door, opened it while saying, "Thank God! I thought you were going to ditch me and let me be the pathetic..." He managed to stop himself after seeing that it was Michael and Alex in front of him, not Jesse.
Alex looked beautiful in her long strapless black gown with sequined details on its bodice. Her hair had big curls hanging loose and she had accessorized herself with a silver necklace. As for Michael, he was wearing an all-black tuxedo with a silver watch and fob. The two obviously had coordinated their outfits.
"Hi!" Ivan said as he stepped away from the doorway, allowing his best friends to come inside the house. "You two look amazing!"
"Well so do you darling!" Alex said as she looked at Ivan from head to toe.
"You think so?" Ivan said, immediately feeling self-conscious. He also restrained himself from looking at Michael as he wondered what Michael might have been thinking about his outfit.
"Are you kidding me? You look hot!" Alex exclaimed.
"He does, doesn't he?" Jean said as she emerged from the kitchen holding a tray with glasses of iced tea. "I was actually worried about it not fitting him and all. It belonged to a friend of mine from high school."
Alex gasped in surprise and excitement. "Vintage! What a coincidence! This dress was worn by mom when she was crowned Homecoming Queen during her senior year."
The two then started an animated conversation about vintage dresses and how homecoming had been during Jean's time.
Ivan could still feel his cheeks burning from Alex's compliment but he tingled even more when he felt a strong arm sliding across his shoulders.
"You look nice." Michael whispered to him.
Ivan turned his head to Michael and immediately felt uncomfortable because of how close their faces were to each other. "Thanks." He managed to say before quickly looking away.
"Oh my god! You guys look so cute together!" Alex exclaimed when she briefly looked away from Jean and saw the two of them side by side. "Michael,
give me your camera. I'll take a picture of you guys."
Michael removed his arm from Ivan to get his camera out of his pocket. He handed the camera to Alex and immediately replaced his arm around Ivan's shoulder.
After Michael and Ivan had had their pictures taken, Ivan was replaced by Alex and then Michael was replaced by Ivan. And for the final picture, the three of them were shot together by Jean.
"Where's Jesse? I thought he was coming with us." Michael asked, finally noticing Jesse's absence.
"I don't know. He won't return my calls or answer my texts." Ivan answered and suddenly, as if on cue, his phone started ringing and vibrating in his pocket. He fished out his phone and took a few steps away from everyone. "Jesse?" He said.
"Hey. Listen, I can't go to the dance. I'm sorry." Jesse's apologetic voice announced.
"What do you mean you can't go?" Ivan almost raised his voice but he managed to control it. "Do you really want me to be the pathetic third wheel?"
"Of course not." He heard Jesse say defensively. "You know I threw a party here last night, right?"
"Yes."
"And my parents are never home so it's totally okay."
"And?"
"Unfortunately, they decided to come home early this morning and saw the mess from the party. And now, I'm grounded."
Ivan rolled his eyes. He wanted to scold Jesse for even throwing the party without his parent's consent in the first place but he bit his tongue.
"It sucks dude. Trust me. I wish I could help you out. But have fun though. At least Jake's gonna be there." Jesse said, trying to lighten up the conversation.
The thought of Jake made Ivan feel nervous and excited at the same time. He sighed and said, "Alright. I'll just call you later when I get home." He hung up the phone and told Michael and Alex that Jesse wouldn't be joining them after all. They left in Michael's jeep with Ivan wedged between Michael and Alex.
The ride to school seemed unusually long. It was as if the road had stretched out and the entire world was conspiring to make things worse for Ivan. There he was stuffed between his two best friends who were happily in love with each other and currently engaged in a lively conversation, feeling left out. Ivan smiled every now and then so that it'd look like he was listening to them rather than wallowing in his mind, thinking of how pathetic he must look.
They arrived at the school grounds with house music echoing from the gymnasium. Inside, gold and silver foil and yellow little lights hung above the dancing crowd. In front of the wide dance floor was a stage with the DJ and all his equipment and masters on one side and an empty space with a microphone for announcements and presentations of such things as the royal court for the night. Just a little to the left from the entrance was a buffet table, which boasted chocolate cupcakes arranged in a big grand cake as a center piece, as well as variety of other foods. To the right of the entrance was a photobooth where Alex excitedly pulled Michael and Ivan over to.
"C'mon, let's take pictures first." She said gleefully as she dragged the two boys inside.
But Ivan was hesitant. He didn't want to intrude on their moment. "You guys go ahead, I'd just stay out here."
Michael chuckled. "Yeah, right. Like we're gonna let you do that. Get in here." He pulled Ivan in with a strong arm.
Ivan just smiled and tried to look as happy as can be. However, he really was feeling uncomfortable. After their little photoshoot was done, Ivan tried to separate himself from the two. "I'm gonna go find Jake." He excused.
Alex noticed Ivan's odd tone but she decided to let it go for now. She nodded and said, "Okay. We'll just find us a table and you and Jake can join us, alright?"
"Sure. Thanks." Ivan said, grateful that Alex had let him go.
Ivan tried to move around the dancing crowd as he looked for Jake. He really didn't have anyone else to be with since his two best friends were conveniently in love with each other while Jesse was grounded. And Jake did say for the two of them to meet at the dance. Maybe he meant that they'd spend the time together. He had almost reached the other end of the hall when Randy came up from behind him.
"So where are our friends?" Randy asked through the loud music.
"Jesse can't make it. He's grounded." Ivan answered plainly.
Randy rolled his eyes. "I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about Michael and Alex. Where are they?"
Ivan wanted to point out the fact that the two weren't exactly friends with Randy but he bit his tongue. "Actually, they'd just gotten us a table." Ivan was going to tell Randy to go find them himself but Randy cut Him off.
"What? Why didn't you tell them to sit with the Alliance? We have our own table where members can hang out." Randy said.
Ivan smiled in amusement at how Randy was trying hard to include the two in their group. "I didn't know that."
Randy rolled his eyes again. "I mentioned that during the meeting. My god, don't you ever even listen to me?"
Ivan wanted to laugh but instead he said, "I'm sorry. Have you seen Jake?"
"Jake? Jake Ryan?" Randy asked curiously.
Ivan nodded. "Yeah."
"I think I saw him go out to the corridor just a few moments ago." Randy said pointing to a door at the end of the room.
"Okay. Thanks. Bye!" Ivan said, hurrying out.
"I'll just find Michael and Alex on my own then. Thank you very much!" Randy said to himself.
As Ivan entered the hallway, he slowed down his pace. He didn't want to seem too excited to see Jake. But he had to wonder if maybe Jake had gone into the hallway on purpose so that he and Ivan could have some privacy? Jake was still in the closet after all. Maybe the hallway would be their little private place where they could dance to some slow love songs. The music was loud enough to be heard in there after all. Would they kiss again?
Ivan was diverted away from his thoughts when he heard something move against the lockers down the corridor to his left. He slowly walked and turned to his left and was surprised to see Jake. But he wasn't alone, he had a girl pinned against a locker as he planted kisses on her neck.
Astonished, Ivan took a heavy step back which unfortunately caught the girl's attention. She looked in his direction.
Ivan stuttered out an apology. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't m-mean to..." and then he walked away as fast as he could.
"Shit." He heard Jake say but Ivan continued walking.
He heard footsteps behind him and Jake calling him but he never looked back. He just ran as fast as he could back to the party. Upon opening the door into to the gymnasium, the loud music rushed into his ears. It was an unexpected relief. It silenced the voices in his head; the voices that told him that he was stupid to even think about Jake and him that way and that he was all alone and that was how he would be spending the rest of his life.
Ivan went to the punch fountain to get himself a drink. He just stood there by the buffet table, allowing the throbbing dance music fill his head and the punch to relieve his suddenly dry throat. However, his newfound solace didn't last long. The heavy rock was soon replaced by a classic love song, "Unchained Melody." With that, the dancing crowd quickly dissipated and only couples remained on the center of the dance floor, swaying slowly to the song.
Ivan watched with envy as some other couples joined the rest. But then his Heart caught when he saw Michael leading Alex towards the crowd. Michael gently pulled Alex towards him and let his hands rest on her hips while Alex wrapped her arms around his neck. They were looking at each others' eyes intently as their bodies moved gracefully in unison. The colored lights occasionally illuminating them made the couple heartbreakingly beautiful.
On the dance floor, Michael and Alex were talking. "You having fun yet, my Homecoming Prince?" Alex asked, which earned a chuckle from Michael.
"You tell me, my Homecoming Princess." Michael answered.
Alex giggled. "That was so cheesy!"
"Kiss to make up for it?" Michael asked, leaning in.
"Nice save." Alex smiled, and kissed her boyfriend.
When Ivan saw Michael and Alex kiss, it was as if the world suddenly went blank. Gone was the music and the chattering of the students around him. All that remained was Michael and Alex, kissing in front of him. And then he felt it inside of him, the unbearable pain and ironic silence of his heart breaking.
After Michael and Alex pulled away from each other, Michael opened his eyes and saw Ivan looking at them. He couldn't help but notice the tears glistening down Ivan's face.
"Ivan." Alex heard Michael say. She looked at him and followed his gaze, which led to Ivan, who had seemed to be crying.
Ivan's body immediately moved, hurrying to leave. It was almost reflexive when he had realized that Michael and Alex saw him crying while watching them. He didn't want to explain himself. He just wanted to get out of there and erase the image of Michael and Alex in his head.
He had already managed to walk a couple of blocks away from the school when he heard a honk and someone calling him. He quickly wiped the tears off his face with his sleeve, turned his head and saw Michael in his jeep, driving slowly to match his strides.
"Oh, hey." Ivan greeted casually as though the boy hadn't just broken his heart. As he continued walking, he made it sure not to look at him with the stubborn tears that refused to stop pouring out of his eyes.
Michael didn't fail to notice Ivan's effort to hide the fact that he'd been crying. "Ivan, what's wrong?" Michael asked, his voice full of concern.
What's wrong is I'm madly in love with you and you're in love with somebody else, Ivan thought.
When Ivan didn't answer, Michael pulled over and walked to catch up with Ivan. "Hey." He said, grabbing Ivan's arm. "What happened tonight?"
"Nothing. I just... I got sick of the dance." And seeing you and Alex together, he added in his head. He still had his back on Michael while he desperately commanded his tear ducts to stop.
Michael couldn't understand why Ivan was acting like this. He knew he wouldn't judge him if he cried in front of him. But what was he crying about? "Ivan." He called. Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to turn him around to face him.
When his tears had finally stopped, Ivan turned around to face Michael. "I'll be fine, Michael." He said, adding a smile to convince him. "You should get back to the dance." He then continued on walking.
"But I don't care about the dance." Michael answered as he followed Ivan.
However, Ivan refused to stop for the conversation. He wanted to go home, so he quickened his pace. "You'll be crowned Homecoming Prince soon." He pointed out.
"I don't care about that stupid title." He started walking faster too.
"Alex is waiting for you." Ivan didn't want to hear those words come out of his own mouth. He didn't want to sound bitter, and hoped he hadn't. Why wouldn't Michael just leave him alone?
Michael finally had had enough of chasing Ivan. He grabbed Ivan by the shoulder and turned him around. "I don't care about her either."
Ivan was stunned. Did he hear him right? Hope quickly built inside him.
"Okay. I didn't mean that." Michael added quickly.
The hope Ivan felt died as quickly as it had kindled.
"What I'm trying to say is I care about Alex." Michael said.
Great, just rub it in, why don't you, Ivan thought to himself. He controlled himself from rolling his eyes.
"But I care about you too! Just as much."
Ivan looked into Michael's eyes and knew that the boy meant it. However, what Michael meant wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want Michael as a friend. He wanted more than that.
"Michael, please. I just wanna go home." He pleaded.
"Then I'll drive you." Michael said.
Ivan sighed to Michael's persistence. "No Michael. Alex—
"Alex will understand." Michael said firmly.
Realizing fighting him was useless, Ivan caved and allowed Michael to take him home. However, while he drove, Michael kept bombarding him with questions.
"What happened Ivan?" Michael asked. "I saw you crying." He said that so Ivan wouldn't deny it.
"I'm okay. It was nothing." Ivan answered.
"You didn't answer my question." Michael pointed out. But when Ivan didn't answer, he tried a different approach. "So did you find Jake?"
Thanks for reminding me, Ivan said to himself.
"Hey. Talk to me." Michael said kindly.
Ivan shrugged. "It's not important. I'm fine."
Michael sighed. "Alright."
Ivan felt relieved when Michael stopped questioning him. He couldn't help feeling bad about it though. He knew Michael wanted to be there for him. But the truth was, the more Michael tried to be caring towards him, the more it hurt him. It just hurt to have Michael halfway from what he actually wanted him to be—his boyfriend.
"Wait. Where are we going?" Ivan asked when he noticed that they weren't heading in the right direction.
"To the cliff." Michael answered. He was referring to the cliff that overlooked the lake. On a beautiful night, it boasted a full view of the lake as a mirror of the dark sky, the full moon and the stars. And that was exactly how it was when Ivan and Michael arrived that night.
Michael already left the car but Ivan remained inside, refusing to get out. "Michael, I told you—
"You want to be home right now." Michael filled for him. "I know. But I miss my best friend."
Ivan sighed softly. "We've been hanging out for weeks now, Michael. We haven't exactly been apart like the last time."
Michael nodded. "True. But all we ever did was deal with problems and all this drama with Andy and yours and Jake's video." Michael created air quotes with his fingers when he said video.
Ivan cringed upon Michael mentioning the video. He wondered what he had thought when he saw it. But more importantly, what he thought of Ivan.
"We never really had a chance to just talk." Michael said as he went to Ivan's side of the jeep. He opened the door for Ivan, made a courteous bow, and held out a hand.
Ivan chuckled. "All right, you goof. But any more of that and I'm leaving." He joked while he climbed out of the vehicle, purposely ignoring the hand that Michael offered him.
Michael left the door open and climbed to sit on the hood of his jeep. Ivan who had been standing beside the car, followed and sat beside him.
Ivan looked at Michael who was staring at the sky. The moonlight striking his face made him even more handsome. Michael turned to him and his reflexes told him to look away or else his feelings for him would be discovered. But Ivan didn't budge. He was still looking at Michael, and now, into his eyes. Michael smiled at him and Ivan felt his skin heat up and goosebumps run all over his body. He finally looked away, worried he might have a heart attack right then and there.
"So I remember you saying something about talking." Ivan said, trying to fill the silence.
Michael chuckled. "Yeah. But most of my questions are already on the table." His face suddenly grew serious when he asked, "Did anything happen with Jake tonight?"
In Ivan's reality, there were two conversations that could take place that moment. One about him and Jake, and another about him and his messed up feelings for Michael. He was grateful that the earlier had been the only thing to have come up because he couldn't even think of how he'd explain to Michael that he had feelings for him.
Ivan managed a little smile before he answered. "Jake is with someone else tonight."
"So he brought a date after all." Michael said.
Ivan shrugged. "I guess. But it's fine. It's not like he told me that we'd be each other's date for the dance."
Michael gave him a sympathetic smile. "How are you feeling now?"
Ivan scoffed. "I'm okay. I'm fine."
Michael just nodded. Although he could clearly hear how Ivan was really feeling, he didn't want to push Ivan so he didn't probe him with more questions. He was surprised when he heard Ivan laughing softly.
"Okay. That's a lie. I'm not okay. I am exhausted!" Ivan said throwing his hands in the air.
Michael gave him a questioning look. "Exhausted?"
"Yes! I'm exhausted. You just... You don't have any idea how hard it is to walk into a room and all you see are boys and girls coupled together. You put on a brave face believing in Dan Savage's `it gets better', hoping someone just like you would come along, someone who's into the same stuff as you do, someone who sees the world like how you see it. But the truth is, it doesn't get better. Or at least it isn't true for me because even though I may find someone, he could either be in love with someone else or won't take me seriously. Or maybe he wouldn't be interested in me at all." Ivan shook his head, fighting the tears that were starting to form again in his eyes. "Standing inside that dance, I fought the reality that had been staring me at the face—that I was alone at Homecoming and no one wanted to dance with me." Ivan was surprised when he felt a tear drop on his arm. So he still had tears to cry after all that he had shed that night. For the hundredth time, he wiped the tears off his face with his sleeve.
"Is that what you really think?" He heard Michael ask him. When he looked up, he saw the sad expression on Michael's face.
"Yeah." Ivan said softly, feeling completely pathetic. He had no idea what had gotten into him that had made him reveal his vulnerability so completely. Michael got off his spot on the hood and walked towards the open door of the jeep. "Where are you going?" Ivan asked.
However, Michael didn't answer him. Instead, Ivan heard from the stereo the familiar intro of a song he knew.
"You think no one wants to dance with you?" Michael asked then quickly added, "Because I'm more than willing to."
"Michael," Ivan began but Michael hushed him.
Michael stood in front of him with a hand held out for him. "Dance with me." He said with a gentle smile on his face.
Ivan looked at him, contemplating if he should go along with Michael's idea. He was afraid of how it would make him feel. If looking at the boy already made his feelings overflow inside him, what more would happen if he danced with him? But Ivan figured this could be the only thing closest to being intimate with Michael, so he put his hand over Michael's.
The lyrics played as Michael put Ivan's hands on his shoulders and his hands on Ivan's hips.
"Come to me now and lay your hands over me. Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright. And I shall believe."
"I didn't know you had that Sheryl Crow CD." Ivan said not looking at Michael. Their lack of distance made him nervous.
"I don't. It's the radio." Michael replied softly.
"Oh," was all Ivan could say. But the silence slowly settling between them made him uncomfortable. "That's funny. I've actually thought of buying this CD but I keep forgetting. You know I think—
"Ivan, relax. It's okay." Michael said, holding Ivan's face and looking directly into his eyes.
Ivan nodded. "Okay." He was then surprised when Michael pulled him in, his arms completely wrapped around the small of his back.
The situation offered Ivan only two choices, his face towards Michael's or his face on his neck. As tempting as it was, he settled for the latter. He knew he would be powerless if he came any nearer to Michael's lips.
Ivan had to admit. The fantasy of him slow dancing with Michael was no match to the reality he was experiencing then. Come to think of it, any fantasy of Michael would fall far short of the reality. If only I could always go there, Ivan thought. Then it came to him. What was stopping him? Beside his friendship with Michael and his friendship with Alex, nothing. He was only stopping himself.
Michael noticed how Ivan tensed up after he'd pulled him closer to him. "Just relax, Ivan. There's no one else here, just the two of us. There's nothing to be afraid of."
Ivan felt his body relax when he heard Michael's words. But he had to ask himself what was going on. There he was dancing in the arms of his straight best friend with whom he was deeply in love. It didn't make any sense at all. He waited for Michael to say anything but he didn't. He seemed so comfortable with the silence of them slow dancing to Sheryl Crow.
"You know you're never gonna be alone, Ivan." Michael said, finally breaking the silence. "You have Jean, Jesse, and Alex and me, especially me. I'll always be here for you no matter what."
Ivan looked into Michael's eyes and he knew that he had meant every word. He was so confused at the moment. Michael was being so sweet and kind, and to make matters worse, in an undeniably romantic setting. He could hear Michael's words echo in his head. He said not to be afraid and that he would always be there for him. Was Michael trying to tell him something? His head was so full of doubts and questions while his heart had never been so persistent on reminding him how much love he had for Michael. And with the words Michael had said and the way he was holding him now, Ivan's heart was starting to win.
"I love you." Ivan heard himself say. It took him by surprise. He didn't think he said it out loud, but he did. And at this point, there was no turning back now. He gazed at Michael's eyes, trying to show him how much he meant it and at the same find that silent confirmation he wanted his whole life.
"I love you too, Ivan." Michael said, almost automatically.
Ivan felt his heart sink a little. It wasn't a romantic "I love you." He had said it like he would say it to his little brother. But there was still hope. Perhaps he had misunderstood how Ivan was finally confessing his feelings for him. To make sure his message got across, Ivan held Michael's face. "No, Michael. I love you. I'm in love with you." Ivan leaned in and kissed Michael's lips. When he pulled away, however, there was a stunned expression on Michael's face.
Michael was surprised by Ivan's revelation. He didn't know what to say to him, and most of all, he didn't know how to react when Ivan kissed him.
"Michael, please say something." Ivan said, feeling the anxiety that was starting to build inside him.
"You're just confused Ivan." Michael finally said. "Things didn't work out between you and Jake and I happen to be here for you. You just got caught up in the moment. And you said it yourself, you're feeling alone."
However, Ivan knew that he wasn't confused. Yes, things didn't work out at the dance and with Jake like he had hoped they would but it wasn't just about that. "No, Michael. You don't understand. I've been holding these feelings for you since as long as I can remember, way before tonight. I felt alone at the dance because I wasn't with you. Because that's what life was like last year when you weren't around, I felt alone and empty. Michael, there is this void in my heart which only you can complete."
Michael blinked a few times as he took in Ivan's every word. "I should get you home. Alex is waiting." Michael said and walked back to the jeep.
That ends the 25th chapter of I Shall Believe. What do you guys think? I'm sorry it took so long. I had to focus on my life for a while but now I have some free time. Don't worry. I have every intention of completing this story. I just hope I can manage it before my life gets busy again. In the meantime, feel free to post your comments on our facebook page. Expect the next chapter soon!
Thanks again to Mr. Dennis S for patiently editing my work. For those who aren't still members of the facebook readers' page, we have lots of room for you guys. If you want to join, here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/groups/ISBreaders/
Thanks! Keep on reading :)