I Once Was Lost

I ONCE WAS LOST CHAPTER 5 BY THE CAROLINA SCRIBBLER (FORMERLY YOUNGDAD)

THE USUAL DISCLAIMERS APPLY HERE. IF YOU AREN'T OF LEGAL AGE (18 IN MOST AREAS) THEN PLEASE LEAVE. THIS STORY IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE ENCOUNTER IN LIFE AND THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT DEVELOP BETWEEN FRIENDS, FAMILIES AND LOVERS. IT MAY ALSO CONTAIN DESCRIPTIONS OF SEX BETWEEN MALES. IF THAT BOTHERS YOU THEN PLEASE LEAVE. ALL TRADEMARKS ARE PROPERTY OF THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNER(S). FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED AND FLAMES WILL BE IGNORED. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE STORY.

(RECAP)

"You're amazing," Will choked out. He squeezed me tightly for a few moments and then gave me a kiss on my cheek, "I have to go."

He walked slowly out of the room and I turned again to the window, looking down at the people walking past the hospital. Soon I heard the "ding" of the elevator and the "clackety-clack" of the food cart being pushed down the hallway. "That must be breakfast" I thought as I made my way to the bathroom to wash my hands before eating.

(THE STORY CONTINUES)

Breakfast hadn't been half bad. "At least it was filling" I thought to myself. I stood up and walked to the window again, I was bored.

"Good morning uh...Mr. Mayhew is it?" asked a pretty female nurse. She looked young too, probably not much older than me.

"Yes I'm Jesse Mayhew."

"Hi, I'm Marcia your nurse for this morning and afternoon."

"Nice to meet you and let me guess, you want to take my temperature right?" I chuckled.

"Now how did you know that I wonder?" she said with a perky grin.

She put on a pair of gloves as I walked to the bed and sat down on the edge.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Pretty good, kind of bored actually," I responded with raised eyebrows.

"Oh my, getting antsy are we?"

She placed the thermometer under my tongue.

"Mmhmm" I muttered.

She grabbed my chart off the wall and flipped through a couple of pages, looking carefully at each one. She placed it on the foot of the bed and walked out of the room, returning with fresh gauze and tape and some kind of salve. She took the thermometer out of my mouth and read my temperature aloud.

"98.7 degrees That's good."

"I can't believe it," I exclaimed.

"What?" she asked curiously as she opened the jar of salve.

"I'm almost normal," I grinned. She laughed hard and I joined in.

"You're too funny, you know that?"

"Yep, I'm a regular comedian I am."

Nurse Marcia just shook her head slowly back and forth as she smiled at my silliness. Dr. Redding walked in, by himself this time.

"Good morning Jesse. How are you today?" he asked politely.

"Good morning doc. I'm feeling good, got a full stomach too," I said as I patted my belly then pointed at the empty plate on the tray.

"That's wonderful and...hey you really did clean your plate, I'm impressed," he said looking at my tray and then back at me.

He asked Marcia to take off the old bandage as he grabbed some gloves and put them on.

"Ok, let's take a look at this."

He leaned over a bit and held my arm outstretched as he examined the wound meticulously.

"I believe this is healing up nicely Jesse. It'll probably leave a scar, some flesh was torn away but it wasn't enough to perform a graft." He said in a serious tone.

"That's ok doc, the scar will remind of how stupid I acted.

"Marcia could you clean that and re-bandage it please?" he asked.

"Yes, Dr. Redding." She answered.

"Jesse, how do you feel about what happened and about how you handled it?"

"Well-I uh..." I stammered and looked at Marcia as she cleaned the wound.

"Would you like to speak privately?"

"Yes sir, if you don't mind."

"Certainly, that's fine. So, are you in school anywhere? College I mean?"

I thought the way he subtly changed the subject was very cool, although I'm sure Marcia was quite the professional and I knew she appreciated my bad jokes but I wasn't quite ready to let her know everything about me.

"Yes sir, I'll be a sophomore this fall at UNC-G in Greensboro." "Greensboro? Oh up in North Carolina?"

"Yes sir"

Marcia finished bandaging up my wound and asked the doctor if there was anything else. He told her no and she smiled politely as she closed the door on her way out.

"Alright Jesse, I sensed a little apprehension a moment ago. What's on your mind son?"

Dr. Redding had an easy going, laid back style. He was professional in every sense of the word but damn he was cool.

"I feel pretty bad about what happened with me and my friend. I told you about that didn't I?"

He shook his head no so I told him the whole story about the incident with Tyler and how my brother caught us. I told him everything, even about the nightmare I had about being strapped to the table and everyone chanting and Tyler turning into that creature. He listened quietly, never interrupting, just nodding his head occasionally.

"Jesse, I'm going to just say this bluntly. You're carrying around a shitload of guilt. I apologize if that word offends you but it's true son. How long have you thought you were gay?"

"Since puberty I guess."

"How long have you known you were gay?"

"I don't know, maybe 3 or 4 years I guess, I mean I was pretty sure but wasn't positive you know?"

"I understand. Was Tyler the first guy you ever explored those feeling with?"

I blushed slightly.

"Yes," I answered softly.

He patted my leg.

"There's no need to be embarrassed Jesse, it's just the two of us," he said reassuringly.

"Thanks doc."

"Tyler was your first experience and you got caught and it snowballed from there?"

"That's about it," I answered.

"Son, you're healing very well physically and I could sign your discharge forms right now but I'd really like for you to speak with a psychologist before I do that. A good friend of mine is head of our Psyche department; Dr. Harold Winstead and I'd like to arrange for him to pay you a visit if you'd agree to it. He's a wonderful Psychologist and I think it would benefit you to talk to him. He can help you to sort out your feelings and make sense of it all."

"That would be good, I'd appreciate that. I have to admit, I do feel kind of drained."

"I'll see if he can drop by, he's probably making his rounds about now."

"Alright, thanks Dr. Redding."

"No problem," he said as he scribbled on my chart.

"One more thing doc, how did you get to be so, understanding? You seem to be very compassionate, even sympathetic. A lot of doctors wouldn't care about a gay kid."

"Jesse, I wouldn't be much of a doctor if I didn't treat every patient as I would want my own family to be treated now would I?"

I nodded in agreement as he placed the chart back on the wall. He opened the door to leave and then he closed it again.

"I have a little bit of insight as to what a gay teen feels, the strong emotions, even some of the pain. My son is gay and he had a rough time growing up and for a long time he was confused about his sexuality and he couldn't accept who he was. His mother and I recognized it long before he did and thankfully our relationship with him had always been based on trust. We would talk to him and drop a few well placed hints and one day he finally got the message and decided to come out to us. We couldn't have been happier if we had won the lottery. His whole personality changed, he was happy again and took an interest in school and sports just like he used to do. My son was back and it made me proud of him. Edward is no longer my little Eddie and he's very grown up now. He has a life partner and they've been together almost 15 years. They own a successful business and are doing quite well. They love each other very much just as Mrs. Redding and I love each other. I just wanted you to know that."

He smiled and left the room.

I was numbed by what Dr. Redding just revealed to me and I thought long and hard about it. It finally dawned on me what he was doing. "Duh Jesse!" I thought to myself.

I flipped on the tube as I glanced over at the clock on the wall. It read 8:07am. Damn it was early still. I flipped through a few channels and just decided on some morning show. I watched until my eyelids became heavy then I listened. I remember hearing the guy say, "And now, here's what's happening in your neck of the woods" and then it cut to the local forecast. It was supposed to be a beautiful day in Myrtle Beach and I was stuck in a hospital room. I drifted off to sleep after that.

I was awakened by a light tapping on my door.

"Hello, are you Jesse?" a short and stocky 50-ish man asked as he leaned into the room.

"Yes sir, I'm Jesse Mayhew. How can I help you?" I replied.

"I'm Dr. Harold Winstead, a friend of Dr. Redding's. He asked me to drop by."

"Oh yeah, c'mon in. I almost forgot about that," I said as I rubbed my eyes and sat up straight.

"Would you like to talk in here or in the solarium? If you like we could even go outdoors. It's very nice out today."

"Outside sounds good, I feel a little cooped up in here."

He chuckled, "I don't blame you one bit. I think I'd be terribly bored if I were a patient."

"Oh trust me doc, I'm plenty bored," I stated matter of factly.

He laughed hard and patted my shoulder as we walked down the hallway towards the elevators. He had a funny, unique kind of laugh and it made me laugh too just hearing him.

"So Jesse, when were you admitted?" he asked after we got on an elevator by ourselves.

"It was last Saturday," I replied soberly.

"Do you remember the events which lead to your being admitted?"

"Yes sir"

I began telling the story again, to Dr. Winstead as we stepped into a long hallway and began walking slowly. He asked me to pause only long enough for him to purchase a can of Diet Pepsi from a vending machine. He offered to buy one for me as well and I took him up on his offer, getting a Mountain Dew.

We continued down the hallway and I kept talking as we finally reached the outside. It was a shaded area with tables and chairs and we made our way to a corner spot.

He pulled a small notepad and pen from his back pocket and started scribbling as he sat down. He then leaned over and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He must have caught me looking at them as I spoke.

"You can have one if you want," he smiled as he kept writing, never even looking up.

I lit up and it was good. I know smoking isn't healthy but I needed one at that moment.

The good doctor kept on writing...and writing. I bet he filled up 4 or 5 of those little pages before he stopped abruptly.

"Jesse," he said as he looked at me intently, "Would you go back to your life the way it was if you could?"

"You mean exactly the way it was before all this happened?"

He nodded.

I sighed as I thought for a long time about his question. I'd like to do that but I don't want to either.

"I don't think so, no not really."

"You don't sound completely sure of yourself."

"Well-it's like...I want to because of Tyler but I don't want to because of the way I felt all the time. I mean, I felt guilty about being gay even though I had never done anything with a guy, you know? I guess deep down I was pretty sad inside. High school was really bad. Here I was around all these guys I had known for years and it's like "Bam", all of a sudden I'm thinking they are really hot, you know?"

I was grinning big time when I told that last part and Dr. Winstead smiled too. He lit up a smoke too as I continued.

"That's part of puberty-Jesse. About that age, certain hormones really start raging throughout the body and it triggers our brains. We start noticing, in a more sexual manner, the people we are naturally attracted to. For heterosexuals it's the opposite sex, for homosexuals it's the same sex and it's just the way Mother Nature intended it to be."

"But why is it so hard doc? Why is it so hard being gay?"

"I'm not sure I follow, Jesse."

"I mean, if that's the way we are created then why does society give gays and lesbians such grief all the time? Why can't people leave other people alone and just let them do their own thing?"

"Society is strange and for eons we've been "programmed" to believe that homosexuality was wrong or immoral. Well, I'm here to say that is a bunch of garbage. It's genetics-plain and simple. Take this example; you have two male infants and we'll call them Boy A and Boy B. Boy A is predisposed for heterosexuality but raised in a home where "straightness" is condemned. Boy B is predisposed for homosexuality but raised in a home where "gayness" is condemned. Both boys will grow up most likely embracing their "sexuality" outwardly but internally they will feel different. When the time comes and those hormones begin to rage and the brain is triggered, those internal feelings will creep to the surface and sooner or later the boys will act upon those feeling even though they have been taught to believe it's wrong. In summary Jesse, the natural instinct takes control."

"I see what you mean. Could I have another cigarette?"

"Sure go right ahead."

"Thanks"

As I lit another smoke I pondered over what the doctor had just said. I thought a long time about it in fact and concluded that it all made perfect sense. I felt a sense of enlightenment wash over me.

"Doc, this has really opened my eyes. Now I understand why I've had these feelings for so long," I said frankly.

"That's good Jesse, very good. How do you feel right now, at this very moment?"

"I feel pretty good. No. Actually, I feel very good about myself. I understand why I'm gay and that it's ok to be gay and I'm not destined to be some poor guy who just walks around all day feeling sorry for himself. You know, Dr. Redding told me about someone he knows who was in a similar position as I was in and now the guy is doing great. I think that was his way of telling me that life is pretty much what we make of it I guess."

"Dr. Redding was absolutely right. It really doesn't matter who we are because we can do anything we want to do and we can be anything we want to be if we work hard. Life is about 99% what we make of it and put into it. Work hard and play hard. That's my motto, Jesse."

Dr. Winstead smiled a lot while he told me that last part. He reminded me of one of those motivational speakers too because he "talked" with his hands to emphasize certain parts.

"That's a cool motto. I like it."

"It works."

We sat there a few minutes and doc lit a cigarette as I stood up and walked around, sort of stretching my legs and sort of thinking about our conversation too. I noticed it seemed much warmer now, almost hot outside as I wiped a bit of perspiration from my brow.

When I returned to the table, doc crushed out his smoke and asked if there was anything else on my mind. I told him no so he closed his writing pad and put it and the pen in his back packet as he arose.

"Well Jesse, I guess we're done this session," he said as he extended his hand and I grasped it. We shook firmly as he smiled.

"Ready to head back up?"

"In more ways than one doc," I stated. "That's the right attitude to have. Remember this, only you can make things happen."

He opened the door for me as we walked back into the hospital. We were both silent on the elevator ride back up and he walked with me back to my room. We stood there in awkward silence for a moment until the he finally spoke.

"Jesse, I'm going to make it a point to see Dr. Redding this afternoon to let him know we talked. Professionally, I would like to see you again at least one more time. You simply lost your way but it looks like you've found the right road again. Maybe we could arrange a visit in a week or so if that's alright. Personally, I think you're a fine young man. Take care of yourself and we'll talk again."

He shook my hand again and patted my shoulder before he disappeared. I sat down on my bed and stretched out, looking at the ceiling. There were two things he said which kept running through my mind; "You simply lost your way but it looks like you've found the right road again" and "Only you can make things happen". Over and over I kept thinking about theses two simple phrases.

I'm gay, it's no biggie. My brother freaked out when he saw me doing what was a natural thing for me to do. I freaked out that I'd been caught and tried to do something stupid but I made it through that and I'm going to be alright. "Time for those letters" I thought as I jumped out of bed and walked across the hall to the nurses station. I didn't see Marcia so I asked an older female nurse if she find some paper and a pen or pencil for me. She rummaged around the area for a minute and finally went into a little office behind her. She handed the paper and a pencil to me and I thanked her politely. I went back to room and started writing.

I wrote letters to everyone involved whom I thought I owed an apology or explanation too. Some of the letters weren't easy to write either, I was overcome by emotion more than once but I did it and when I had finished the last one I decided to hold onto them until Will came in to work that evening. I returned the pencil and decided to walk up the hallway and back again. I was really starting to get bored.

After lunch I watched the news and caught up on the latest world happenings and the weather. During a cooking segment, I dozed off.

"Jesse? Jesse? Wake up hon," said a female voice softly.

I blinked quickly several times as I began to focus. I rolled over and started to speak but ended up yawning.

"Oh man that smarts!" I said as the pain shot from my arm. I realized just then that I had been laying on it. Damn it hurt.

"Oh hon let me take a look," Marcia said as she slowly took off the bandage, "I don't see any oozing so that's good. Does it hurt pretty bad?"

"Yeah a little bit."

"Ok, I'll be right back. We'll get you a something for the pain."

She left the room, returning quickly with a little medicine cup. She handed it to me and then she stepped around my bed to the nightstand where she grabbed a cup from a stack and poured some water into it.

"These are very mild but will ease the pain," she said tenderly.

"Thanks," I replied as I threw the tablets back and washed them down with the cold water.

"You'll feel better soon, I promise. Bless your heart did you forget about your arm?" She touched my forearm and rubbed it gently.

"Yeah, I guess. I was watching the news I think and I must have drifted off."

She glanced at her watch and grinned.

"What?" I asked.

"Jesse hon, it's almost 4:30. You took a MAJOR power nap," she said chuckling. I laughed too as I shook my head in disbelief.

"Alright, what's all this racket in here?"

We laughed harder when we saw Will standing in the doorway. He joined in the laugh fest too.

"What is it that's so funny?" he finally was able to ask.

It took a moment but Marcia and I were able to regain our composure. Marcia told him what we had found so funny, which really was nothing, and he grinned. He said he'd see me in a few minutes as he left my room, still chuckling. Marcia said she needed to get going too as she had some paperwork to finish and was leaving a bit early to get ready for a big date. I wished her a good time and she thanked me with a kiss on my cheek. She just stood there smiling at me.

"What?" I asked with a laugh.

"You're so cute," she replied playfully.

"Marcia, I um...think there's something you ought to know about me."

She was very attractive and if I were straight, things definitely would be different but I felt as though I were leading her on like this. Before I could tell her, she dropped a bomb on me.

"Jesse, if you're about to tell me you're gay-I already know. It's no big thing to me hon. I still think you're a sweet and sexy guy," she said while touching my arm.

"I...but how did you know?" I asked dumbfounded

She smiled big. "It's all over the hospital. I'm surprised every gay nurse and doctor here hasn't been pawing at you," she laughed. That made me smile shyly.

"Do you mean everybody knows?"

She nodded her head.

"The only one here I'm interested in is Will," I blurted out.

I immediately turned red from embarrassment. I couldn't believe I said that out loud.

"Oh my God, it's true!" she gasped.

I nodded sheepishly.

"Jesse! That's been a rumor too, about you and Will. I think it's so wonderful."

"It's not true though, I mean I'd love it to be true. I would so love to be with Will. He's hot Marcia, God is he hot and sweet and funny too but...I don't know."

"What? You don't know what?" she asked excitedly.

"I don't think Will is ready to move on just yet. Please don't repeat this ok?"

"I promise honey but what is it?"

"Will and I had a long talk and...you know about his ex right? Ken was his name I think, you know about him?"

"Yeah, he died a few months ago. It was so sad too. Is that it?"

"Yeah, Will still misses him a lot and I can't blame him for not wanting to "step out" just yet. I guess he needs a little more time but if he was willing-ohhh boy."

I rolled my eyes.

Marcia giggled like a teenage girl and squeezed my hand.

"You really do like him don't you?" she asked as she placed her hand over her mouth.

"I really do I think. We've talked an awful lot and he seems like such a great guy and I want him so badly too Marcia but I'm not willing to risk his friendship over wanting him to be my boyfriend. I learned that from him actually, that friendship is important. I never really understood that completely until he explained it."

"Oh Jesse-you have got it baaaad, I mean sooo bad."

"Yeah I do."

"He knows how you really feel about him, right?"

"Uh huh, I want to stay in Myrtle Beach and settle down and I'd love to see him again even if it's only as friends. If he wants more, he'll have to make the first move, I'm not going to press the issue."

"Maybe a friend can drop a few hints then, to help out the situation," she said slyly.

"Please be careful Marcia. I don't want to drive him away from me."

"Don't you worry hon, I know just how to handle it. He's a sweetheart and I've known him over a year and we're pretty close too. I won't drive him away."

"Thanks Marcia"

"You're so welcome hon. Now rest, that's nurse's orders," she said wagging a finger at me while smiling.

"Yes ma'am," I answered in a little kid's voice.

She laughed and said she'd talk to me soon as she skipped and I mean literally skipped, out the door.

I stepped over to the window and gazed outside for a bit. "God it was a beautiful evening" I thought.

I decided to chill on my bunk and watch a little tv until dinner. There wasn't much to do except watch tv and eat and sleep but there was Will and he was working tonight! Maybe I'd get to see Charles too. I wanted to find out about his brother Michael, see how he was doing. Actually I wanted to see how Charles was doing too. I stretched out and got comfortable.

I'd been watching a ballgame for sometime and it was pretty dull too. Atlanta was leading the Astros 4-0 in the bottom of the ninth with 2 outs when there was a knock on my door. I turned my head and it was Charles standing there with a big grin on his face. I almost didn't recognize him because he was in street clothes and he looked good too.

TO BE CONTINUED

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