I ONCE WAS LOST CHAPTER 4 By YOUNG DAD
THE USUAL DISCLAIMERS APPLY HERE. IF YOU AREN'T OF LEGAL AGE (18 IN MOST AREAS) THEN PLEASE LEAVE. THIS STORY IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE ENCOUNTER IN LIFE AND THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT DEVELOP BETWEEN FRIENDS, FAMILIES AND LOVERS. IT MAY ALSO CONTAIN DESCRIPTIONS OF SEX BETWEEN MALES. IF THAT BOTHERS YOU THEN PLEASE LEAVE. ALL TRADEMARKS ARE PROPERTY OF THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNER(S). FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED AND FLAMES WILL BE IGNORED. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE STORY.
(RECAP)
What Will just said struck me as profound and I'm not sure why but I began softly singing, "I once was lost...but now I'm found, I was blind...but now I see."
"Yeah, just like the hymn," he whispered.
"Lean over here Will."
We embraced and I hugged him tightly as I slowly turned my head. He turned too and our eyes met. We stared into each other's souls. I felt my body quiver with anticipation as he leaned in closer. Our lips met and we kissed passionately.
(THE STORY CONTINUES)
Our kiss finally ended as we gazed longingly at one another. It was obvious that Will felt as I did right now or so I thought.
"Jesse...I...I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have done that," he said as he pulled away.
"What did I do?
"No-no it wasn't...I don't know," he stammered.
"What is it then?" I demanded, "Because I'm 0 for 2. I try for the first time to give a blowjob, to my best friend no less and I get caught so I don't even finish. I run off and leave him literally hanging there. I try to kiss a guy for the first time and I think it's great but then you pull away. I can't deal with this man. Am I destined for some queer virgin hell or something?"
"No Jesse, don't say that. It wasn't you. Honest it wasn't,"
Will looked hurt and confused. I didn't know what to say to him. I felt bad for snapping at him like that but I was angry. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed him. Maybe he's got a boyfriend already or he's just shy. I couldn't understand why he would pull away.
"Jesse, you're a really attractive guy and it wouldn't take much for me to fall for you but...I just can't. Not right now, ok?"
I blushed.
"I don't understand then. What's the problem? Is it because of my situation or because I'm a patient? What? Just tell me please," I pleaded.
He looked at me tenderly and spoke with a sincere voice, "We all have our moments when we do things that later on we aren't proud of so I would never hold your situation against you. You did what you felt you had to do to get out of a bad one. Only God knows our real feelings and the reasons behind our actions so don't think for a moment that your situation is why I can't do this. As for your being MY patient, well...that does have some bearing on it because I take my job seriously and the hospital does have rules but that's not the biggest reason I stepped back just a moment ago."
"Then please tell me why you just backed away when I kissed you."
Will looked at me momentarily then he stepped back and stared out across the town. His eyes shifted nervously, like he was searching for something. His expression seemed so desolate when he turned to face me.
"I had a boyfriend, his name was Kendell. Ken was his nickname and we were together almost 2 years. We met in college and I loved him with all my heart. I thought we'd be together forever but it wasn't meant to be. Just over a year ago he was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It was heartbreaking news. I knew, from working in the medical field, that it was bad. He did exactly as the doctor said and he fought so bravely but..."
He paused while he dried his eyes and tried to regain his composure.
"The disease got him about 5 months ago. It was hard losing him and it's been hard trying to live without him. He was everything to me, Jesse. I guess I pulled away from you because the memory of Ken is still there, it's still strong. I'd feel like I was cheating on him if I were to be with someone else this soon. I'm sorry Jesse."
Tears silently rolled down his cheeks and my heart went out to Will. I wanted to hold him forever and tell him that I loved him.
"There's no need for you to apologize, Will. I'm sorry I snapped at you, I didn't know about your loss. I'm so sorry man."
"It's alright...and I'll be ok. It's just going to take some time," he said forcing a crooked smile.
"I guess I'm ready to go back up to my room if you're ready."
"Ok" he replied with a voice totally void of emotion.
I gave the lighter back to Rashaad and thanked him. He nodded then glanced at Will and back at me questioningly. Will pushed me into my room and helped me back into bed. He said he'd check on me in a little while as he spun the wheelchair around the corner and out of sight.
I was pretty tired so I turned off the light above my bed. The room was semi-private but I hadn't had to deal with a roommate yet. I kind of hoped it would stay that way. I soon dozed off to sleep.
When I woke up I walked slowly over to my window and peered outside for the first time. It was a nice view of Myrtle Beach with the ocean off to the side and the sun was just beginning to come up too. "My first sunrise at the beach" I thought to myself. It made me smile.
I stood there a few minutes and waited until the sun actually peeked above the horizon and it was a beautiful sight. I continued staring and smiling to myself until I heard a voice from behind me.
"Good morning Jesse is everything alright?" Will greeted me.
I glanced back over my shoulder.
"Oh yeah. Come over here and take a look at this," I replied as I motioned for him to step closer.
"You admiring the view?" he asked as he placed a hand on my shoulder and glanced around as well.
"It's amazing Will. I've never seen a sunrise at the beach before. It's the dawn of a brand new day man. Yesterday is gone and forgotten, the slate has been wiped clean and I think it's going to be a GREAT day too."
I really felt that way. I finally had hope for the future.
"I'm glad you feel that way Jesse, it's good to hear you say that," he replied thoughtfully.
"I think everything's going to be alright. For the first time in a long, long time I'm not afraid and I'm comfortable with myself and who I am. I'm not sure where I'll go or what I'll do when I get out of here but maybe I can get a job and find a decent room somewhere. I'd like to go back to college somewhere but I guess now maybe it'll be a community college since I'll be supporting myself. I even feel good about that," I said with a chuckle.
Will chuckled too.
"It sounds like you have a plan and you're ready to put it into action."
"It's not much of one but yeah, I want to stay in school if I can."
"That's wonderful Jesse. So many people would probably throw continuing their education right out the window at this point but you want to keep on trucking. I admire that."
I blushed a little bit and thanked him as I looked back out the window. Daylight was upon us now.
"I have some news for you and it's serious but when you mentioned it's the dawn of a new day it made me think of this because I think today might be the dawn of a new day for several people." He said softly.
"Oh"
"You remember Officer Stoneman from yesterday?"
"The hunky cop?"
"That's the one," Will laughed.
"Yeah, I remember him. What's up?"
"He's here, with his little brother. The cops found Michael early this morning and he had been beaten pretty badly too. Apparently he had been staying in an abandoned warehouse here in town but ran out of money and got scared. He called home and talked to his folks...well his father anyway and the old man said he'd come pick him up to take him home. When the father arrived, he started wailing on the kid, punching and kicking him, then he left. Some transients witnessed the whole thing and flagged down a cop. They gave the description of the guy, his car and even a tag number. The cops ran a trace on the tag and it came back to Michael and Charles' dad. The kid is hurt pretty bad but nothing life threatening. He's in a private room down the hallway on this floor. They brought him up from the E.R. about 4am."
"Dear God," was all I could say as I looked around the room, out the window and finally back at Will, "That's horrible. How could the boy's own father do that?"
"I don't know but it's so sad. The dad was arrested and I think the mother is at the police station giving a statement. A cop is supposed to bring her here as soon as they're done. Charles was livid when he came into the E.R they said. When he saw his brother on the gurney for the first time and saw what their father had done he broke down and cried like a baby."
"Oh man. I feel for that guy, he's so sweet."
"Yes he is."
"Will, do you think that maybe...um...maybe Charles is gay? I don't mean to presume or anything but he does seem to be a little emotional."
"I don't think he is but oh how I wish," he laughed, "I spoke with an orderly who brought Michael up from the E.R. and he knows Charles from high school. He said Charles was always like that, kind of emotional but unfortunately for us, he's straight. He's just a sensitive guy, one of the few who's not afraid to show his emotions I guess. Paul, that's the orderly, said Charles was extremely popular too, always had a lot of friends, loved the ladies and was into sports and several clubs. He just an all around great guy and a lot of his classmates really looked up to him."
"Amazing-too bad he's straight though," I stated matter of factly.
"I know, he is pretty and I don't mean girly either. He's just kind of well...he's hunky," Will laughed.
"He's pretty all right, and pretty darn close to perfect too, if you ask me."
"I totally agree but think about this. I know first hand what it's like to be gay and have a good friend who's straight. Wouldn't you rather have Charles' friendship, I mean an honest to goodness friendship with a sweet, caring and intelligent guy who happens to be straight? I love all my friends, Jesse, I really do but I don't care if they're gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor, or whatever. When I let someone get close to me, whether it's a lover or a friend it's because I can see something inside them that will help me become a better person."
"I see what you mean. I feel kind of guilty now for thinking he was so hot."
"Oh Jesse, I didn't mean it like that. Umm...let's try this. Suppose you are shipwrecked on a deserted island. You've been there for a year with nobody else, just you. Suddenly two of the most amazingly handsome guys row their little dingy up to the shore and get out. The first thing you notice is that they are totally naked identical twins and they are so hot! They are both perfect looking in everyway. The first one says he's gay and will have wild sex with you every single night but you can never say a word to him-nothing-ever! The second one says he's straight and cannot ever have sex with you but will be your friend. He is willing to talk about any subject and says he will help guide you when you hurt and laugh with you when you are happy. You can only pick one of these guys to spend the rest of your life with on that island, who would you pick?"
"God almighty Will," I laughed, "You had to make it tough didn't you?"
He laughed back at me, "Well tiger, who are you going to pick? They are totally hot looking identical twins so neither is better looking than the other."
I thought about it for a long time.
"I guess the straight guy-damn you," I said in mock disgust.
"Why did you choose him?" he smiled as he crossed his arms.
"Well, I can't have sex with him and that would suck but he's willing to be my friend and talk to me. You said we could talk about anything, right?"
"Anything at all, anytime at all, no subject or time is off limits."
`Yeah I guess the straight guy then but why did you do that Will? Why ask me this?"
"Believe it or not that was a real question that my Psychology professor in college posed to my class. Actually for straight males he substituted twin sisters and the friend would be a lesbian. For straight girls it would still be hunks but the friend would be gay. It's just a neat little story I like to share from time to time. I think it teaches us that although we all probably want hot sex, the emotional need for real friendship is stronger. It doesn't matter what orientation a person is because a true friend is a true friend."
"I'll second that for you man," came a deep voice from behind. I turned to look and it was Rashaad. I blushed from embarrassment.
"Hey Rashaad, what's up?" Will asked, extending his hand to Rashaad.
"Long enough to know what you just said is true," he stated grabbing and shaking Will's hand.
I smiled politely.
"Jesse, this boy is tellin' you the truth. He don't lie now, you understand me?"
"Yes sir," I replied.
"Hold on now. I'm Rashaad Jackson and I ain't old enough for none of this "Sir" or "Mister" business. That was my daddy but he's been dead for years so just call me Rashaad, ok?"
"Ok-Rashaad"
I liked him immediately. He offered his hand and I shook it. He hands were like giant bear paws almost.
"Ok then, now I'm serious about Will here. If you have a problem, listen to his advice. This boy is real smart and can help you out. You know what I'm sayin'?"
"I think so."
"Did you tell him yet?" he asked looking at Will.
"Yes he knows," Will replied.
"Knows what?" I asked quizzically.
"That I'm gay."
"You KNOW he's gay?" I looked at Rashaad and he was laughing so hard his whole frame shook.
"Yeah, I know that my boy here is gay," he said as he placed an arm around Will's shoulders, "I admit I wasn't too happy about it when I first found out but after awhile and many, many discussions about it, I realized he was cool. You just didn't see many gay boys walking round in my hood so I was sort of...well there really wasn't no sort of to it, I was prejudiced against gays. I thought they were perverse or somethin' but my boy here showed me the error of my ways."
We all laughed.
"So you're ok with Will's sexuality and gays in general?"
"Sure, like I said I used to have a problem with it but not no more. He's an alright boy and he's been to my house and had dinner with me and my wife many times. We've been to his too. We've gone out to movies and done things together. We chill all the time and nobody has ever said nothing about it but if they did they'd have to answer to me I guarantee that. There ain't nothing but kindness in this boy's heart and he ain't never hurt a flea. He's white and gay. I'm black and straight. It don't matter because he's my friend-period. I need to punch out now and get home before Jeannetta has to go to work and if I hurry I might actually get to snuggle with my baby before she leaves so ya'll take care."
We told him goodbye and he turned and took a couple of steps before turning back around. He had a knowing expression on his face and a soft tone in his voice.
"Jesse? Will? I hope everything works out for you boys. Damn-ya'll do look good together," he said with a hearty laugh as he turned again and exited the room.
I thought about what he said, "I hope everything works out for you boys. Damn ya'll do look good together". What was that all about? Had Will told him something I didn't know about? What was on Will's mind?
While all these thoughts were racing through my mind, I looked at Will. He seemed lost as he stared blankly out the window. I wondered what he was thinking and I wanted to ask but felt it was best to give him some space. He'd tell me when he was ready.
"Your breakfast should be arriving in a few minutes," he said as he glanced quickly at his watch.
"Great! I'm looking forward to some real food," I smiled. I hoped what I said would make him smile-it did.
"I'll be leaving shortly but I'll be back this evening. Take care of yourself."
He placed his hand on my shoulder and I took his arm into my hand and squeezed it gently..
"I will," I said as I suddenly began to well up with emotion.
"Jesse, I...I," he sighed, "I want you to know that right now I consider you a friend and I think...maybe in time...something more. I'm dealing with some very strong emotions right now and when we kissed last night I did feel something. It was a feeling I haven't had in a long time but I also felt conflicted. That part isn't your problem though and I just want you to know that. You're a sweet guy and I know we haven't known each other but a few days but I think we've connected in a special way through our conversations and I think any relationship can be made better through honest communication. So...here goes, I loved Ken with all my heart. He was everything to me and when I lost him I didn't want to love again. Now some time has passed and I still love him or his memory maybe but I realized that I have to go on, move forward. I'd have wanted Ken to if something had happened to me but the feeling of closeness which we shared is still strong. I don't know if I'll ever get over that but I have to work it out for myself before I can ever love another and be fair and open and truly honest with them. Does any of this make since."
"Yeah, I think I do understand. Will, I don't want to pressure you or make you feel in any way, like you have to do something you don't feel totally comfortable with. It wouldn't be right. I'll give you all the time you need. If it's meant to happen...it will and if it isn't meant to happen it won't. I guess it's kind of like that psychology test. I'd be happy with the hunk I couldn't have sex with if he'd still be my friend."
"You're amazing," Will choked out. He squeezed me tightly for a few moments and then gave me a kiss on my cheek, "I have to go."
He walked slowly out of the room and I turned again to the window, looking down at the people walking past the hospital. Soon I heard the "ding" of the elevator and the "clackety-clack" of the food cart being pushed down the hallway. "That must be breakfast" I thought as I made my way to the bathroom to wash my hands before eating.
TO BE CONTINUED
NOTE
My email address is changing from youngdad1982@yahoo.com Please direct all questions, comments and suggestions to carolinascribbler679@yahoo.com As always, flames WILL BE IGNORED.
Thanks for all your emails and support, Johnny