This story was inspired by a friend I know. After talking with him, I was inspired to write this story. Sorry, it's not that saucy, pretty much, there's no sex. What it does do is opens the eyes of readers that there are so many out there who struggle with the whole concept of coming out.. even to themselves.
All of my works are protected under Copyright. You may not repost this story on any website without the express permission of the Author. Any similarity to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.
I hope you enjoy this story.
Hermes HermesAuthor@gmail.com
I Can't
by Hermes
Dedicated to one of the sweetest people I know. TT, I love you man!
"I cant! I just can't do it!" I screamed, trying to hold back the tears that I knew would soon be flowing. He keeps telling me that eventually, I'm going to need to admit it, but he just doesn't seem to understand it's not something I can do!
My name is Thomas Truegood. I'm 29, and completely miserable. I'm not married, no prospects. Even though I have a decent job, I hate it. Plus, I have lots of friends, but, none of them are people I'd like to get close to. I've cultivated some friends I feel very emotionally close to, but, nobody within reach and nobody I'd feel comfortable telling my secret to on the telephone. See I have a secret that I'm hiding. For a long time, I hid it even from myself, but eventually I couldn't deny it any more. See, I'm gay.
I live in a small town and everybody knows everybody. Not to mention that you can't even fart anywhere in this town that within 20 minutes, the entire town knows if it smelled or not. I know what you're thinking, if it's that small, and everyone knows everything about everybody, then how come they don't know I'm gay. Right?
That's because I haven't done anything. I haven't even looked at gay sites on the web from my house. Sure, whenever I go out I see guys that I would LOVE to be with, but I know it can never happen. Twice a month, I've been driving about 40 miles to the closest major town to where I live to see a shrink. Dr. Anderson. He specializes in sexual identity cases like mine.
I've been seeing him now for about 5 months and after the 4th or 5th visit, he kept telling me, "Tom, you need to admit it to someone other than yourself or me. Until you do, it's going to keep eating at you." I know the speech, I've heard it at least a dozen times now. I tried to tell him that I have admitted ito someone else and he asked me who. I told him I told one of my friends in the chat room. He laughed and told me that I needed to tell someone face-to-face. A real live body right in front of me.
Every time I think about doing that, I get a knot in my stomach so wound up I feel like puking. Either that or I break down and cry my eyes out. It hurts, you know. Not having anyone to hold, to cuddle with, to love. One of the reasons I keep going to Dr. Anderson is, well, he's cute. And this way I get to spend at least 50 minutes, twice a month, with someone I find attractive and that will spend the time to talk to me, as he said, face to face.
I know he's gay, I've seen the pictures of his lover on his desk. He talks about him every once in a while, especially when he's trying to get me to realize how happy I could be if I would just hop over this hurdle that's been plaguing me since I was 11.
Yeah, I knew I liked guys when I was 11, but didn't do a damn thing about it. Every time one of my friends would invite me for a circle jerk, I'd have some excuse. I never accepted an invitation, or gave one for that matter, for a sleepover. The sum total of my sexual experience so far consists of Tom Thumb and his four big brothers meeting Petey and the twins. Pathetic, I know.
Back to today. On my way here today, I finally got up the courage. Today I was going to make a call from Dr. Anderson's office to have one of my friends who lived in town here come by the Doc's office and I was gonna do it. I was going to admit to another living person, who I don't pay to listen to me, that I was gay and that I found them attractive. I told Dr. Anderson of my decision and he was ecstatic. We talked for a little while and then came the time. He'd told me that once I made the call, we would talk for a minute more then end the session early. When my friend got here, we'd reconvene and Dr. Anderson would sit in to give me moral support. I grabbed his telephone and froze. I mean I literally froze solid. Not blinking, not talking,
After a few minutes, Dr. Anderson was able to get me to respond. He told me that I had just had a panic attack and that we needed to talk. We talked. Well, I talked, he said, 'Uh huh', or 'Yes', or, 'I know what you mean', or the one I hate the most, 'And how does that make you feel?'
After a bunch of those kinds of comments he asked me if I wanted to try to make the phone call again. I looked at my watch and said, "Isn't our 50 minutes up already?"
Dr. Anderson looked at me with a frown. "Tom, your 50 minutes was up an hour ago. You need to do this, otherwise I don't know how I can help you."
There it was. The ultimate ultimatum. I either make the call and face this, or I had to find another shrink and start over. I liked Dr. Anderson, but the more I tried to grab the phone, the more I found myself being pulled away from it. Finally, exasperated, I yelled, "I can't! I just can't do it!"
Dr. Anderson approached me and put his arm around me. Quietly he said, "Tom, you need to realize you are a very desirable man. There are a whole lot of guys out there who would love to be with you. All you have to do is to let it happen. Who is the friend you are calling?"
I was calming down. Hearing him say that I was desirable, and that somebody would want to love me felt really good. I told him, "He's a guy I have known for a while. He used to go to school with me back in High School. He was the closest thing I had to a real friend."
"What's his name?" Dr. Anderson asked.
"Drew Pearson." I said quietly.
Dr. Anderson's expression changed a little. He tried to hide it, but I caught on. I didn't know what it meant but something was different. He looked at me and said, "Make the call. If you can't bring yourself to ask him to join us here, then at least you will have made the next step and made the call."
I couldn't fault his logic. What I didn't know was, Dr. Anderson did know Drew, and what he knew of Drew, he knew that if I was able to make the call, he might be out of two patients. I picked up the phone and hesitated a few seconds but then I dialed the number. He answered on the second ring.
"Hello, Dr. Anderson?"
How did he know it was Dr. Anderson? Whatever, "Hey Drew, it's me, Tom."
He sounded surprised. "Hey Tom, I thought you were someone else, maybe I read the caller-id wrong. How yo been?"
"Well, same old, same old, you know. But, um, I...." I stammered.
"Is something wrong, Tom?" He said with near alarm in his voice. "No, nothing's wrong, Drew, but, can you c.c.come meet me downtown?" I studdered.
"Sure, I can be there in about 10 minutes. Where should I meet you?" He said, knowing fully well where I was, but there was something in his voice. He almost sounded scared or angry.
I told him where I was and he told me he knew exactly where it was and he'd see me in 10 minutes. I gave him the suite number and hung up the phone. I looked at Dr. Anderson and he had a huge smile on his face. He clapped me on the back and said, "You have just made the biggest decision you've ever made and you handled it like a trooper. I have something for you."
Dr. Anderson reached into his desk drawer and handed me an envelope. He told me not to open it yet, he'd tell me when I could. We sat and the 10 minutes seemed like 10 hours then we heard a knock on the door. Dr. Anderson opened it and there stood Drew. God he looked good.
"Hey Doc, good to see you again." Drew said, and I thought 'again? What did he mean by good to see you again?' Drew spotted me and looked straight at me and sounded really happy when he said, "Hey Tom, you don't know how good it is to see you, you're looking hot!" Then he kind of blushed. Did he just call me 'hot'?
I stood and Drew came over to me and gave me a big hug. Then we sat down together on the couch as Dr. Anderson sat in his chair. Dr. Anderson spoke. "Drew, Tom needs to tell you something that I think you'll be very happy to hear." He looked at me, smiled, and nodded.
I turned to Drew, sweat was pouring down my face. My hands felt clammy, I felt like I was going to lose my lunch. I had trouble breathing. I was about to freeze again when Drew pulled me into his arms and whispered to me, "Tell me, please. I need to hear it."
The sound of his voice, the feel of his embrace cut thorough whatever barrier I'd erected over the years. In a quiet, breathy, almost inaudible voice I said, "Drew, I'm gay, and I have been attracted to you since I can remember." There, I'd said it and it felt so fucking good!"
Dr. Anderson smiled brightly at me, then turned to Drew and said, "It's your turn, Drew." I was confused. Drew started looking like I had a few minutes before, so I did what he did, I pulled him to me and hugged him. I didn't say anything. He said to me, " Why didn't we tell each other when we were in High School. I've been in love with you forever. I haven't been able to hold a boyfriend ever because all I ever thought about was being with you. I've been working with Dr. Anderson for almost 4 years but I could never bring myself to tell you. He's been pushing me hard. When you called and I saw you were here, I thought he'd contacted you, but then I realized, I'd never told him your name."
"He asked me who I was going to call, Drew, and I told him your name. I feel so cheated. I cheated myself out of being happy. I cheated you out of that as well. Where do we go from here?" I asked.
Dr. Anderson interrupted, we saw him wiping tears from his eyes and he said, "Tom, open the envelope."
I opened it and inside was a folder piece of paper. I unfolded it and read the contents, then I started to cry. I read it aloud to Drew.
Congratulations! By receiving this it proves that you have come to your own. You have finally accepted the fact that you are who you are, and we at the Silver Pines Lodge, a Gay resort in the Rocky mountains would like to invite you and the guest of your choice to a weekend of exploration.
Call the number below and give them the certificate number at the bottom of the letter. We look forward to seeing you, and you've made the first step in happiness.
Sincerely,
James Wood, Managing Director Silver Pines Lodge
I turned to Drew and said, "Will you please go with me? I can't think of anyone I'd rather explore than you."
We both laughed, we both cried. We both hugged Dr. Anderson.
We went back to Drew's apartment and shared something we'd never even dreamed we would ever do. We kissed. All of the years of denial. All of the years of fear. All of the years of self hatred. All gone in the span of 10 seconds of 4 lips connected.
We didn't do anything other than hold each other and kiss, we did make reservation for the next day at Silver Pines. It was about a 4 hour drive from Drew's place. I called my work and told them I quit. I was moving into town. I had Drew now, and I wasn't going to lose him, ever.
End
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this story, if you would like to comment you may do so by email at hermesAuthor@gmail.com . To find my other stories: /nifty/authors.html#hermes