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I CANNOT BE GAY
Story so far: Deano Richards and Brandon West were best friends since Kindergarden. It remained that way until Jonathan Riley came to town and joined their school Since Brandon was ill due to chickenpox that day, Jonathan was instructed to sit next to Deano for the time being, in which they became good friends. Two years on, Brandon and Deano were fighting all the time because Brandon believed that Deano was neglecting him and that he was losing his best friend to Jonathan. It got so out of control that Brandon ended their friendship and told Deano to go be with Jonathan. What both Deano and Jonathan didn't know, was that Brandon was harbouring a secret gay crush on his best friend. Tradgedy struck as Brandon passed away along with his parents in a car crash later on. In the two years that passed, 15 year old Deano and Jonathan were now best buds. When the upcoming school dance was on their minds, and the fact that they had never kissed a girl, never mind knew HOW to, Deano suggested they practice on eachother. But the moment their lips touched, something was awakened in both young teenagers. They began seeing eachother in a different light, although neither wanted to accept it. They both refused to believe that they felt something for eachother more than friendship, which meant that they were probably gay. At the dance, Deano met Red Donovan at the back of the tennis courts where he and Brandon always used to hang out, whom he told of him and Jonathan kissing. Later that night, both Deano and Jonathan told eachother who they felt, scared out of their young minds that they were gay. They also had their first kiss on Deano's parents's sofa. As time went on, Deano was terrified as Red Donovan came to their school as a student. He confessed to Deano that he was gay himself and asked Deano out, but the latter declined, saying he was with Jonathan now. After hearing what their mutual friends was saying about being gay, Deano did a complete u-turn, flabbergasting Jonathan by ending their relationship, saying over and over that he didn't wanna be gay. However, Red, seemingly knowing Deano from the past time, even having an old Christmas card from him, went about to totally distroying their friendship by sucking Jonathan off and telling Deano about it, claiming it was Jonathan's idea. In the end of the last chapter, Jonathan found a silver chain where Jonathan's car was parked earlier, with the name "Brandon" enscripted on it. Is Brandon still alive? If so, how could it be? Where does this leave Deano and Jonathan? And where does Red fit into all this? Lets find out!*
"What did you say?"
"I'm sorry, Deano..."
"I don't care that you're sorry, Red! Repeat what you said!"
"Me and Jonathan had sex this afternoon. He totally begged me for it. I didn't even know who he was. We met at the shops and he was like so fucking hot and everything...it was only after we were finished that I saw the photo of you and him on his nightstand. That's when I clicked that I made a huge mistake...Deano please say you forgive me!"
"Get out of my house."
"Deano, can't we talk about this..."
"I SAID, GET THE FUCK OUT!" Deano spat in Red's direction. The latter sadly turned around and closed the front door behind him. This wasn't what was supposed to happen, he thought. Deano was supposed to fall into my arms and let me be with him! HE was supposed to love ME now! Not that pathetic excuse for a virgin! As Red walked down the street to his car, he couldn't help but feel that Jonathan had won yet again. First when they were eleven years old, and now once more.
"Well you better watch out, Jonathan Riley," Red mumbled as he turned the key in the ignition to start the car. "Because if I can't have Deano...no one will. Least of all...you."
It was around 8 that next morning, which luckily was a Saturday, that Deano decided to confront Jonathan. In the two days that Red had told him he and Jonathan had sex, he had tried his best to ignore his best friend. He was SO fucking angry! Even if he HAD ended things between them, they were still friends, for fuck's sake! How could Jonathan just sleep with a dude he found at the mall? That surely wasn't like him! What was going on in Deano's mind was far worse...what if what Red had said was true? And that all these years Jonathan was nothing but a manwhore slut? He couldn't believe it. Not of Jonathan. Not the boy who told him over and over that he loved him.
"Deano...?" Jonathan whispered as he opened the door after the latter had run the doorbell.
"We gotta talk, man," Deano said, not waitng for a invitation to enter.
"Im so glad, dude! You have no idea how much I missed you..."
As Jonathan said those words, he came up to Deano and was getting ready to embrace the boy he loved, but he was instantly stopped in his tracks by the hated, gastly look on his best friend's face.
"Deano...bud what is going on?" he asked carefully.
"Did you...or did you not have sex with Red Donovan?"
"How did you..."
"FOR FUCKS SAKE JUST ANSWER ME!"
"We didn't have sex, Deano! He sucked me off, if you must know!"
"That's funny, he told me the two of you had SEX! In every fucking sence of the word!"
"Oh my gosh dude, he's lying! He knocked on the door the other day saying he needed to phone a towing company for his car! Next thing I know im being seduced and sucked off by him! It wasn't MY idea!"
"So you let it happen? You let Red just suck you off and you did NOTHING to stop him!"
"Why do YOU care anyway, Deano? You told me that our relationship was over, that we are best friends, just that and nothing more. You don't wanna be gay. So why does it bother you? Why come here and demand answers?"
"FUCK...you KNOW how I feel about you, dude!"
"I thought I did! Until you came with your moral fucking values and homophobic shit! Being gay is not a fuckign death sentence, Deano! You love me! And you KNOW that I love you!"
"Then why...why did you allow Red to suck you off? Why, Jono?"
"I don't know, dude...I guess I was still angry at you and Red is a really sexy guy...I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry! But you gotta believe me that it wasn't my idea!"
Deano paced up and down in the living room for a few seconds. His eye fell on a photo of himself and Jonathan the year before on Jonathan's 14th birthday party. Their arms were around eachother and they looked SO happy. Those were the days where they were just friends. Before that fateful night when they kissed for the first time and both felt the fire burning for eachother in their souls. He turned around and looked Jonathan intently in his eyes.
"If you say you didn't start all this with you and Red...then I believe you. I fucking love you, Jono..."
Jonathan rushed over to Deano as the latter just simply broke down. His entire body seemed to shudder beneath Jonathan's loving embrace as Deano cried his eyes out. The two best friends clung to eachother, like they were afraid the other would dissapear if they let go. Jonathan kissed the top of Deano's head while he held him tight against his body. Finally, after what felt like hours, which was infact no more than a few minutes, Deano lifted his head off Jonathan's chest and looked deeply into his eyes.
"I'm not scared anymore, dude."
"Scared about what, bud?"
"Scared of admitting I love you."
Jonathan's hands leapt upwards to caress his best friend's face. He gently ran his fingers through Deano's hair and then he leaned forward and kissed the latter's lips. Both of the boys felt peace in their hearts at last.
"What the hell is Red's problem, Deano? I didn't fucking meet up with him at the mall and seduced him! Why would he tell you that?"
"I have no idea, Jono. But..."
"But what?"
"I think I need to come clean about something."
"Don't tell me you and Red also had sex, Deano!"
"FUCK NO! Yeah he's hot and shit but he has the personality of a garden chair! No...actually, remember the dance that night? Well when I saw you with Marlene I kinda lost it. We weren't speaking because of that kiss...well anyway I went to that spot behind the tennis courts to get some fresh air."
"The one where you, me and Brandon always used to hang out?"
"Yeah, that's the one. And that's when I saw Red sitting there. And he was just so mysterious, so sympathetic, that I told him everything about me and you, you know, the kiss. RELAX! I didn't tell him who you were."
"So you knew who he was when he came to our school? Why didn't you say anything?"
"What was I supposed to say? I told him all of that because I thought I'd never see him again! Can you imagine me when I saw him in school? I was scared as fuck that he was going to out me! But then he asked me out...yes he's gay. I told him that I was now seeing the guy I told him about."
"This is all so fucking weird, Deano. I can't understand why Red would lie to try and break us up."
"Maybe it was because I rejected him for you."
Deano leaned over and took Jonathan's hand as he spoke. He placed a gently kiss on the back of the latter's hand.
"I'll take you over Red anyday, bro. God knows I fucking love you so much."
"Damn bud, you're gonna make me cry!" Jonathan said as he embraced his best friend one more time, before his bladder reminded him that it needed attention.
"I gotta piss, Deano, be right back."
"Coolio, I'll be in your room, okay?."
Deano entered Jonathan's bedroom, memories of the past four years that they have been friends flashing through his brain. All those good times...nearly ended by a son of a bitch bastard who just wanted to make trouble for the hell of it. He sat down on Jono's bed, laying down soon as he did. He wasn't shy or scared anymore. He was terrified of being gay, the one thing which he had been brought up to believe was the ultimate sin. Not anymore. He closed his eyes and saw Jonathan's in his mind. The most beautiful person ever to walk this earth. And to think...if it wasn't for the dance weeks ago, they might never have kissed and realised how they felt about eachother.
Something underneath his shoulder was causing him pain. He sat up and reached underneath the pillow on Jono's bed. It was a sliver chain, the pain came from the clip which was open and was pressing into his back. Deano didn't even have to think twice. He recognised that chain immediately. Afterall, it was he to gave it to Brandon weeks before he died.
"Jono, where the hell did you find this? What are you doing with this?" Deano attacked Jonathan as he came back from the loo.
"Hey buddy, hold your damn horses! I found it early Wednesday night when I came back from my jog!"
"Did you see what is engraved at the back here?"
"Yeah, "Brandon", but what..."
"Jonathan! I gave THIS to BRANDON two years ago! It was to say sorry about all the fights we were having and to assure him that he was still my best friend! Can you blame me for wondering where you got it?"
"It was on Wednesday, Deano. The day that Red was here. I'm not sure, but I think it was lying near the spot where he parked his car. No, infact, I'm certain it was around there."
"Red? What would he be doing with this?" Deano asked, totally confused.
"Lets ask him. I would like nothing more to see that sick bastard and kicking the shit out of him right now."
"We can't, Jono! I dunno where he lives! Wait a minute...lets go back to my house. I'll call him on his phone and tell him I really wanna see him or some shit like that. He's bound to come over then."
"Great idea, bro! Come on, lets do this!"
"Here he comes. Remember, we're together in this, Jono. We confront him as a unit. I wanna see this bastard squeel."
"You don't have to convince me, Deano. You ready?"
"Yeah, lets nail this son of a bitch."
Knock on the front door. Deano rushed to open it.
"Red! Come on in, pal."
"Hey yourself! Thought after the other night you'd never wanna see me again."
"Yeah well I thought about it and realised it wasn't your fault. Jonathan practially begged you for sex, didn't he?"
"Fuck yes, man. I totally didn't know he was the guy you spoke about."
"That's funny, because I CLEARLY remember you knowing "what me and that Deano dude got up to" to use YOUR words. I also remember you saying "Deano is a fool."
Red's eyes narrowed as Jonathan entered from behind the kitchen wall as he spoke. He had to tread carefully now, hearing this piece of filth say all that...
"I NEVER said that! You're the one who seduced me!"
"You lying bastard! Unfortunately for you, Deano knows that I will never lie to him. We've known eachother for too long for you to fuck up our friendship!"
"Yeah four years to be exact, isn't it?" Red spat out.
Both Deano and Jonathan were stunned into silence.
"Are you having us followed? How the fuck did you know that?" Jonathan finally asked.
Red didn't say a word. He saw how wide Deano's eyes had gotten. At that moment two teenage brains thought the exact same thing...Red turned around and raced for the door at the EXACT moment which Deano raced forward and grabbed his arms.
"Oh no, you sick son of a bitch, you ain't going anywhere!" he screamed.
"Let me go, Deano! I swear I'll..."
"You'll do what...BRANDON?"
There was a deadly silence in Deano's living room. A long, deadly silence. It was Jonathan's voice which was heard moments later.
"Deano...? You mean Red is...Red Donovan is actually Brandon West? That's impossible! Brandon is dead!"
"I thought so to. Until I saw that chain you found and when Red said me and you have been friends for four years exactly. He isn't dead, are you, Brandon? Your chain, the one I gave you two years ago! We were told the car in which you and your parents were blown up in was burned beyond recognition! If so, that chain would have been destroyed too! I wanted so desperately to see my DEAD BEST FRIEND but I was told there was NOTHING LEFT! You fucking sick bastard! Just what the hell are you playing at, Brandon?"
Red/Brandon breathed slowly, his chest raising up and down. He knew his game was up. He quietly sat down on the sofa while staring out bleakly infront of him. Finally he sighed and looked up towards Deano and Jonathan. When he spoke it was in a low, defeated tone.
"That night...after I ended our friendship, I went to the park. I heard sometime before that there was men going there to have sex late at night. I was confused, I was sad, I was beyond myself because I had lost you. I saw an older man in there. He was blowing this young boy, the kid couldn't have been older than 10 or 11. That's what I wanted. I wanted someone to do that to me. So the next night I went back to the park and me and him got it on. This carried on for almost a week before...before..."
"Before what?" Deano whispered astounded.
"Before he was killed by a homophobic gang that rocked up there. He tried to save me. He pushed behind a tree so I wasn't seen. I watched as they killed him right infront of me. Unfortunately I made a noise as I saw his brains being splattered before me. I saw them, which meant I could ID them. They chased me all the way to the police station, and I was lucky to get there before them. The cops called my parents and I had to come clean about everything. Every single fucking detail. The police already had a problem with this gang terrorising our area. They suggested that me and my parents enter a witness protection program until the gang was completely caught and behind bars. That's why I...Brandon West, became Red Donovan. Everything was so fucked up, man. That's until I saw you against at the schooldance."
"You were sitting at the back of the tennis courts...where we always hung out..." Deano whispered, his eyes wide in disbelief.
"Yeah. I was hoping to see you."
"Wait a minute...I didn't even recognise you! Deano, you have known Brandon way longer than me, why didn't you?" Jonathan asked, his voice shaking.
"Now that I look at him...you've dyed your hair, you've grown almost taller than me, and you've changed your look, your clothes and your demeanor. No wonder I didn't recognise you," Deano said, the tears streaming down his face.
"But now that you do...there is something I haven't told you yet. Before this all happened...Deano I was so fucking in love with you. That's why I always fought with you over Jonathan. I was afraid that..."
"Brandon, nothing would have made me change you as my best friend! God, we've been friends since we were six! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Yeah right, you would have fucked me up good and proper. Yes, I tried to break you and Jonathan up. Yes, I sucked him off to earn his trustand to get you to dump him. But I knew just now once you found my chain that the game was up. Im too tired to keep fighting over a lost cause. I'm sorry, guys."
While Jonathan was keeping himself aside, Deano, the tears still streaming off his face, ran over to Brandon and threw himself in his arms. Brandon's eyes grew wide as if he couldn't believe what was happening. Finally for the first timein over two years, he please his arms around his former best friend, felt his tears dripping on Deano's shirt. Even if for a couple of moments, Deano and Brandon were together once more.
And that was that. It took a while for either Deano or Jonathan to fully trust Brandon again, especially after the homophobic gang was caught and jailed, meaning Brandon's family could come back to town and live their lives to the fullest again. Brandon in time had no other choice but to accept that Deano loved Jonathan with all this heart. And even if he had'nt been forced into Witness Protection, the chances was good that Deano still would have picked Jonathan. As hard as he tried, he couldn't make peace with himself and the guilt of himself NOT telling Deano how he felt when they were 13 years old, was eating him up inside. If only...
Disaster struck when the boys was 18, as Brandon was disgnosed with HIV Aids. He never fully recovered from losing Deano to Jonathan, not as a friend, but as a lover. The trio were close in Brandon's last days on this Earth. He knew that he was dying and that the virus was way too advanced for any sort of Anti Retro Virals to help him. The day that Brandon finally passed away was a sad day for both Deano and Jonathan. They stayed with him until it was all over, with both of them holding his hands. The last time he managed to opened his eyes and spoke was to whisper to Deano:
You're the best friend I ever had..."
Only after the nurse had come inside and placed the covers over Brandon did Deano realise he had finally lost his Kindergarden friend. Together himself and Jonathan sat at his funeral and prayed that his troubled soul had finally found peace.
Hand in hand after the funeral the two 18 year olds walked back to the reception. They didn't mind some of the stares than they received from the passers by an their classmates.
"I don't get it, you know."
"What, Jono?"
"Why he didn't tell you, bud. Why didn't he tell you when we were 13 how he felt about you. He would have never gone to that park where all those crap ended up happening."
"I dunno, Jono. He knew I was straight and into girls. Fuck, I was talking about girls all the time. It must have been torture for him. I can't imagine what he was going through at that age."
"There's a lot of teen boys who feels just like he did, Hun. If only they were allowed to speak out, to say something without being afraid that they would be abused, bullied or shit like that."
Deano turned to Jonathan and slowly placed his head on the latter's shoulder. Jonathan embraced his boyfriend with a smile.
"I'm so glad I got you, Jono. When we met in Mr Jansen's class all those years ago, I never knew that I had just found the person I would spend the rest of my life with."
"Haha pal, neither of us knew. Until that kiss, you remember? When we were practising for our dates at the dance?"
"You still remember that? I don't wanna think about that, babe. I only wanna look and see you forever."
"I love you, Deano. More than you can possibely imagine," Jonathan whispered.
"Ditto, Jono," Deano whispered back as they felt summer breeze starting to pick up.
Through all the times that they would go in their lives, they would always remember Brandon West. They refused to remember him by the name Red Donovan.
Just one of the many gay teenage boys who couldn't accept who he was, and who were too afraid to tell how he felt to the boy he loved.
END OF THE STORY!! THANKS FOR READING! If you wanna chat with me about the story or just wanna send some hot chats my way, please send me a email on whiteryan65@gmail.com