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Chapter 26 - There is only so much one can handle
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I just sat there... I didn't really know what to do now. Just simply being alive felt exhausting.
Just when I let my guard down. Just when I said "Fuck it!" to all the problems I saw in our way. Just when I accepted that I love this man and want to be with him despite knowing him only this short time. How fucking cruel...
I felt betrayed. Nate must have known that I wouldn't stay if I knew. There is no fucking chance in any made-up hell for me to stay in this damned house knowing they are expecting a child. I would have never let myself fall for him like that.
How could he? He knew all along! He knew and still chose to explore his feelings toward me, despite knowing he would be raising his child by her side. He knew our expiration date very well and decided to use it fully. What did he think could happen differently? That we would live here like one big twisted happy family? Him and Ash raising a child, while him and I being partners?
Nate told me just yesterday that he will be by my side for the rest of our lives, for fucks sake! How in the hell he thought that it would work?!
Ash would have to be damn selfless to just let me take away her child's father and raise it alone.
What did he think would happen?
What scenario went through his head when he saw me falling deep for him? He must have known how much I care for him. He must have known that this, whatever that was, couldn't work! There was never a chance for us to work.
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I felt betrayed and broken. I sobbed, not being able to move from this damned chair. His chair, I suppose. I was living in his room, sleeping in his bed. Fuck... How could I think this would go well? Why the fuck was he so perfect for me? He, of all people?
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I couldn't stay here. Just the thought alone of seeing Nate or Ashley felt suffocating.
I grabbed my bag and unplugged my laptop. Packed everything I deemed necessary for surviving the next couple of days, dressed in the first things I could reach, and went out of the door. I was never sentimental about stuff. When I left this room 13 years ago, I didn't carry a bag bigger than this one. I didn't even put the shoes on, just grabbed them and walked into my car. Without any thought or looking back, I drove away.
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Nate's scent was everywhere, all around me, and I couldn't help but cry. Where will I go to? Hotel? Cor? She was my closest friend, and I knew I could come to live there for months if I needed to, but they just had a baby. Brian was too little, and I didn't feel like troubling them. Bens? I looked for reasons it was a bad idea, but I couldn't find any other than little Sheila, but she loves me. I thought it would be bearable for a few days.
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Fuck... What about Jerry? No... I can't deal with any other problems now. For now, my first priority was surviving this night.
I stopped at the side of the road and took my phone out. I was about to call Ben when Jerry called. I hang up. Then Nate. Fuck. There is no way I can talk with him now. I switched off my phone and hoped Ben would understand that I didn't call beforehand.
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Somehow I managed to drive to his house. I took my bag from the passenger seat next to me and stepped out of the car shaking. It was cold, maybe fifty degrees, and I had no jacket on as I couldn't think of one when I rushed out of the house. Fuck... I just realized yesterday was April's Fools. How true to life...
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I knocked, and it took a little while for anyone to respond. I was shaking badly, still feeling Nate's smell all around me. What the fuck?
Peter opened with a wide smile.
"Rick? Ho..." he froze upon seeing me.
"Come in!" he ushered me in and closed the doors behind me
"Ben!"
"Rick, honey, what happened?" he asked and looked me all over with a worried look.
I didn't feel like talking at all, I should feel obligated to give them at least some explanation, but I just couldn't. This shirt was so tight I felt like ripping it off, but I was too cold. I never even put those shoes on. So I stood there shaking with short polo on me, pants, and wet socks. Bag in my shaking hand, and my face was probably swollen from crying.
"Ben! Come down this second! Seriously!"
"Stop shouting, Pete. If Sheila wakes up, you... Rick?! What's going on?" He ran to me, embracing me tightly.
"Are you hurt?"
I shook my head and started sobbing into his pillow-like pecs, soaking his shirt with my tears. He just held me close.
"Bring me a blanket." I heard his voice above me.
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Ben led me into their living room, sitting me on the couch still holding me, one of his legs behind me along the back of the couch and the other hanging down from the edge of it so I was tightly pressed to his whole torso. I just sat there leaning on him and cried. I can't even tell how long we were like that. At some point, Pete put a blanket around me.
"Could you please leave us, babe? I think this will be personal."
"Sure, if anything, call me. I will be up in the bedroom."
"Could you bring here some sheets and blankets?"
"I will bring the futon into Sheila's playroom and take the toys out."
"Thank you, love."
"Thank you." I managed to whisper.
"Of course, Rick. You can think of this house as a home if you need it." he kissed Ben. "I will go to sleep afterward. Take all the time you two need."
"I love you, Peter," Ben said.
"I love you too. Good night Rick."
I felt Ben's hand on my back and heard Peter's steps walking away. I was silently lying on him, exhausted and drained at this point.
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Ben hadn't said a word, just held me, but from the way his muscles flexed around me, I knew he was furious. Ben was definitely beside himself in his most protective state. I knew him well enough to know he would now do anything for me, maybe except harming his family. But he was now my wall and deemed it necessary to shield me against anything. I felt safe. I felt tired. I heard the sound of his raging heart and slowly closed my eyes, concentrating on that beat, hiding in the warmth and softness of his embrace.
I felt his hands caressing my hair and back. That silence was slowly drowning me in the thoughts that began to emerge from my conscience. I felt Ben's musky sweat, yet I couldn't help but still feel Nate's sandalwood scent somewhere around me as if he haunted me here.
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"What's going on, baby?" his voice was so soothing, so gentle as if I was the most beautiful and fragile thing in his sight.
"I think I love him," I said weakly.
"What did he do?"
"Ashley is pregnant."
His hands stopped, and he breathed in deeply.
"Is he the father?"
"Of course."
"Did he know about it?"
I nodded and started sobbing again.
"He wants to stay with her?"
"No. He says he wants to be with me. But how can I be with him when his child would be growing up without a father because of me?"
"What did he say?"
"That he tried to tell me many times but didn't know how."
Ben was silent. His hands held me as if shielding me.
"Did he tell Ashley?"
"No."
"Is he planning to?"
"He wanted to do it today, but I stopped him. I didn't want to make any more issues we need to deal with."
"Are then any more issues than Ashley right now?"
"Jerry is living there."
"Where?"
"In our house."
"Since when?"
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I told him we had an amazing ride home after leaving Ross's house yesterday. We had the same favorite song, we sang, and then Nate opened up to me about his past. I told him it was really heavy, and it made me realize even more how much I admire and care for him, but before we could talk about it, Jerry called. I told him what happened after and how Nate invited Jerry to live with us for as long as he needed. I told Ben everything that happened today, and I broke down crying again when I recollected the last minutes in that house.
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Ben never stopped or interrupted my rant and just listened while holding me close and warm. I don't know how long it took me to say it all, but he was there. Listening.
"What will be now?" he asked when I finished.
"I don't know."
"Do you want to be with him?"
"I don't know."
"What..." Ben's phone started ringing. It was on the coffee table right in front of us, so we could both see the number calling him.
"That's Nate."
Ben looked at me as if asking me if he should answer it. I nodded. I knew Nate must be worried for me.
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Ben reached for the phone and answered.
"Yes." Ben's voice was chilling.
"Yes, he is here."
"Yes."
"I think that would be best."
"Right."
"Okay."
He threw the phone on the table. I looked after it listening to the sound of it falling on the hardwood. Then I looked at Ben.
"He just needed to know if you were safe. Then he asked if you would need to have a space, and I said that you do. Then he thanked me for being there for you and said his goodbyes. He sounded really heartbroken."
I just nodded. I didn't know what to say to that. I was tired. I told that to Ben, and he nodded, saying that Peter had prepared a room for me upstairs and I should get some sleep. I thanked him, and we went up, he carrying my bag for me.
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We reached the room, and it was pretty much empty. Peter took all toys and boxes from there and left the futon with a sheet, blanket, and pillow. The dresser was open and empty, as were the shelves.
"Where did he put Sheila's things?"
"Rick, she is three. She will be happier having you here than a room full of toys she doesn't play with that much anyway. I am sure he put it somewhere he considered right. You can ask him when you wake up. This is now your space for as long as you need. I can bring you a table and chair tomorrow.
"Thank you, Ben. You are amazing."
"Don't mention it, Rick. You are family!"
He kissed me on my forehead. He had this soft longing in his eyes.
"Did you bring any clothes?"
"No..."
"I will bring you some."
He left and returned with a little pile of clothes within a few minutes. He handed me a shirt and shorts and put the rest on the dresser.
"I don't think you'd fit into Peters, and mine are probably too big, but I suppose it's better than nothing."
"Of course, thank you."
Then he wished me to sleep well and left.
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I took off my pants and shirt, tossing it away, and as I reached for Ben's, my sight stopped on that shirt on the ground, the one I had been wearing all night. It was Nates... It was the shirt I took off of him when we had sex this afternoon. Fuck! The only clothes I have here and that fucking shirt must be his. Now I know why I felt him everywhere tonight...
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I wish I were stronger, but I took it and placed it on the pillow crying into it as I fell asleep breathing in his scent.
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I.D.