Hi all!
The latest experiences I had on the dating scene made me write this story. Don't expect a story neatly written where two guys meet, find out about each other that they are gay and will fall in love, fighting against the family, getting all beaten etc etc... There will be no sports as the necessary spice of the story, these are only the feelings of a guy discovering himself and others. Whether you hate or like what you will read, I would like to ask you to drop me a line. It is absolutely necessary to know what do you think about this story. Last but not least I would like to thank Billy for editing the text. Du bist ein Schatz! ;-)
Marcos
Hunting Season: Boyfriend Wanted! - I've had enough! -
A cold autumn wind was playing with the yellow leaves of the nut tree. Looking at this ancient tree always reminded me of how much I enjoyed studying here. There were trees everywhere and you had all seasons, so you just had to take a walk and you could see what autumn or spring meant... Kind of boring you might say, that is of course if you don't come from a country where you don't have all seasons. I kind of had everything here, the university I attended was one of the top ones, the feeling of being a student there was a special one. One of the things I loved most were the buildings, all lecture halls were old and preserved traditions. It almost felt like an honor to sit in one of the upper rows on the velvet seats. It was kind of funny how Abercrombie matched the velvet. I used to smile each time I saw alumni coming back. Old gentlemen with their respectable wives, all dressed properly, in dark suits, showing the endless respect they had towards this institution that made them, presumably, what they were now in life. I knew little about the United States, it wasn't my option either to study here. As always, my parents wanted me to do it, and of course I wanted to be the good boy and knew, of course, that all they wanted for me was to get a decent education, so there were no doubts about this choice. Every one told me how great it would be, a life like those in the movies... Well... I guess that turned out to be a cliche again. But more about that later.
The movements of the tree caught my eyes and gave me, again, an option to daydream. The wind was playing with the leaves. But was it a play? Or did it only look like a play, and in reality it was a hard struggle for life and death. I knew scientifically, that yellow leaves were dead biological substance, but still, each autumn, I had to wonder what it felt like being torn apart from a place were you have spent all your life. Just like humans, we are born somewhere, have a family, and even if we end up working or living on the other end of the world, the bonds with our loved ones still exist. Some of the leaves were holding on stubbornly, others didn't have the strength and let themselves get carried away from the wind. To let go and travel with the flow. One of the things you can do only once in your life. I hated vital decisions of that kind. Interestingly I had this special talent to feel the weight of these decisions. I hated it! I hated it, because I had to leave all the drama of these situations. That I was more sensitive then the average guy I already knew from my childhood. However that I had the attention of many caring people and that saved me from becoming a hurt, silent, introverted person. I knew the risks of being sensitive and meanwhile I was ready to take the chance each time I felt like choosing the sensitive way. Just like now... My emotions were just pushing me towards another catastrophe, so I knew what to do: focus on the lecture and pretend I had a happy life of my own.
The professor was going on with his lecture. The same pace, the same voice, no emotions... "With these pheromones female butterflies can attract the males. It is selective to..." I wonder how it would be to attract potential lovers like butterflies!?! Standing on the balcony and sending my pheromones all across campus... Hmmm... And having all these interesting and handsome guys migrating towards my balcony. Day and night! And I could choose to be with one of them. Or even more of them! Or ALL of them! Hmm...All these molecules flying through the air... And me standing in a specific position waiting for my mate(s) to arrive...
Swash!
?!?
"Are you out of your mind? What is this drawing? You feel like a butterfly now?" same old voice I had to remind me of my mortal human condition. And gone were the wings, the pheromones and all the sexy guys migrating towards me. All that remained were the thoughts of danger and self preservation.
"You could be a little more cautious with that!" the same voice kept on trying to convince me. However whispering.
"Wha - What? I didn't do a thing!" I moved the corner of my mouth.
"And this?" the whisper came again and with it a carefully folded piece of yellow paper. I knew that type of paper and I was wondering who else used the same paper as I did. Carefully unfolding it I saw a guy on a balcony with several clumsy lines, representing something that probably was meant to be some kind of chemical substance.
Hearing the sound of nervous fingers on the desk behind me I took my pen and wrote a couple of words on it, folded the drawing and carefully gave it back. While musing how interesting it was that someone used yellow paper even though you have a lot of polychromatic drawing to do, it occurred to me, that THAT drawing almost looked like my...
Swash!
Again the yellow paper on the right side of my head, brought to the front energically. So I unfolded again and took and read the lines:
My lines: "Chris!?! This is awful! Where did you get it?"
Chris's lines: "Idiot! You made it during class! We'll have a word about IT after class..."
Oh well, I knew there was something wrong. See, I am not that kind of slow or in that kind of state of mental degradation not to realize what I am doing, but these days... Well... Let's say I was somehow living in another world. Good that I had Chris.
The rest of the class was uneventful. There was one little detail that kept on bothering me, and at the time was I was getting more and more nervous.
"Not here! Let's go home!" was all Chris said.
See, this was the part, where we, or better said was supposed to gather my stuff, since Chris had all of his neatly packed, and heading out of the hall without talking about IT. I knew this little routine oh so well... We'd be walking back to our cars and then we'd drive for a half an hour in silence, in our respective cars, and after the door of the apartment had been closed, Chris will preach me about IT... The only problem was, that I already knew his opinion about IT. Or to say I knew is a huge understatement, I even memorized the steps of the process. Chris will start to say that... But anyway, you will get to hear it!
The wind felt cold, but it was kind of pleasant with the rays of the Sun on my face. I decided to put on my sunglasses and enjoy the view. View = nature + people. More precisely: nature + guys.
"The Sun is still quite strong..." I mumbled towards Chris trying to reason but his usual "I know why are you doing that" look made me reconsider going on with the useless talking.
In the next ten minutes my eye-muscles were exposed to a highly tiresome exercise, since they had to compensate every movement of my neck I wasn't allowed to make. The parking lot was kind of crowded, that still didn't stop Chris from walking me to my car.
"See you at home!" and he was.gone. I couldn't help sighing for a short second.
Chris gave me the short "On our walk through campus. In spite of knowing what was waiting for me at home I tried to enjoy what seemed to be one of the last beautiful autumn days." And the best option for that was my cabriolet. My parents aren't the richest ones, but let's say they have this little thing... they really like to show off, they make out of everything a case of pride and honor. They couldn't allow their son to drive around in something under the level now, could they? So two days after receiving the letter from the uni I got my biggest present, the BMW. And that car was my baby. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't know what was under the cowling, and I wasn't curios to learn something about the life of the car. I was way too theoretical of a man for that. Of course there was one part of the car that simply HAD to work, and that was the CD player. I love music and cannot stand silence. About my taste of music, well I think you would run away after ten minutes. Because I ca listen to everything, meaning there are no difficulties listening a song of Alice Cooper after Mozart. People with affinities to music always look at me in horror and have instantly an opinion of their own, which they fortunately keep for themselves out of courtesy.
So there I was driving on a sunny September afternoon, hungry and tired of hearing about IT on the way home reviewing what possible excuses I could come up with this time. Funny how things can change... When I think about my relationship with Chris, the first thing that crosses my mind is respect. I can't remember ever being rude to him, somehow I grew to respect him and accept everything he was saying. He was older, well two years older, but still that meant a lot at that age. I remember receiving all his support when arriving here. I really, really loved the guy, but lately he was crossing the line quite often.
While parking, lost in my thought listening to George Michael's Outside I totally forgot about what was going to happen. As if I had the time of the world I locked the car and started walking towards the elevator. Only then I remember about IT, Because I saw Chris standing there with his crossed arms.
"It's about time. What's wrong with you?" he asked me quietly.
"Nothing! I am just... Well... I don't know..." suddenly I felt so stupid.
"You don't know what? I find this new state of yours unbearable!" Chris told me locking the apartment door.
"What new state? Nothing changed!" I tried to argue.
"No Basti, everything's changed! You're so different!" Chris stepped close to me and spoke the words very slowly.
"Don't do this to me! Please..." I begged in a whisper.
"You know I won't let you do this!" I tried to fight him, but he just shook his head.
"Please Basti! We both know who is stronger. Don't force me to behave like that. You are smart enough to think for yourself and fight back these feelings." Suddenly I was speechless. This was something new. Chris never threatened me before.
"We both know this is not the life you deserve. We also know that there are sacrifices in life that are necessary. Now I cannot look after you all day long. You have to do your own work. It is getting ridiculous to sit there with me in class. For Christ's sake Basti, you are a law student, you hate biology! Are you willing to endure all of that? Are you that kind of stubborn?" Chris was a great actor and he sure could convince me of whatever point he was making. Strange as it was, this speech sounded too dramatic, and I felt a sudden urge to laugh.
"This situation is absolutely ridiculous!" Chris turned and saw my huge smile. He stopped for a second, completely in shock. He couldn't imagine what was happening, and neither could I. It was one of those moments in life I was talking about. It was that point where there's a decision waiting to be made. I felt an inner voice telling me to object. It was a voice I knew for ages, a tiny little voice, almost like a whisper. I remember ignoring it, but now... Now it was different, it overtook the control of my lips:
"No!" I mouthed still smiling.
"What is so funny?" Chris asked me, his cheeks in fiery red, his blue eyes shooting arrows of ice.
"No!" I said barely audible.
"I beg your pardon?" Chris asked, almost loosing it.
"I said no! No! NO! NOOOOOO!" Chris's jaw almost hit the floor.
"No! I am NOT going to live the life you are dictating me! I have a life! MY own! And I sure won't let anyone else tell me how to live it! I let others give me orders for too long! I am sick and tired of it! I am going to live my life the way I want!"
"But... Sebastian... you can NOT do THAT!" Chris answered almost whispering.
"I can't do what? I can't look at a guy? Of course I can! And I will! What's more, I am going to talk to guys! To THOSE guys! And I will date guys! Guys like THAT! Know what else? I'm goanna sleep with guys like THAT! I am going to scream like a slut, and I am going to enjoy every second of it! I am going to live THAT life! I will be one of THEM! I will be like THAT, and that will happen whether you want it or nor! There is NOTHING you can do Chris, nothing! I wasted too much time doing nothing! I wasted too much of my life longing and fantasizing! And what were you doing in the meantime? You were living your life! Your healthy little life. You were dating, kissing, even fucking in the room next to mine. And what was I doing? Listening to the normal ones and trying to fight back the evil in me! Well take the news Chris: I'm through wasting my life. Never ever will my ass be as attractive as now! Never ever will my lips be as red as now and never ever will I be able to have multiple orgasms in one night."
I found myself with the hands raised to the heaven and Chris glued to the fridge with widely opened eyes. For one moment everything froze. I think none of us was capable to handle this situation. My arms dropped and I looked into Chris's eyes.
"I still love you. And I'm still the same person." For some unknown reasons for me I found that extremely cheap. In fact I couldn't even remember where I took that from. Must have been some kind of a gay series I had been reading during the past months.
With that I turned and slammed my door behind me, turned on my laptop, got connected and googled three words: "search gay partner". For the next few hours I eagerly filled in endless questionnaires and created profiles, uploaded pictures etc. like this:
Nickname: newbie My name: 20 My sex: Male My sexual orientation: gay male The color of my hair: dark brown The color of my eyes: hazel The color of my skin: olive My height: 181 cm My weight: 75 kg Presently I'm: law student My hobbies: reading, movies, tennis, you ;-) That's what I am: Hey you, who are reading this. I am a 20 y/o guy... I guess the picture and the description talk for themselves... I'm looking for: a nice guy. Actually for the love of his life. You should be interesting, open, with a good sense of humor etc. I am kind of new so please have patience with me. An answer is guaranteed.
Submit!
With that I turned off the computer and lay back in my chair. I knew I've come to a crossroad, and I had to make a decision. And again it had to be a tough one. I think there is no need to tell you how I was feeling, since each and every one of you already has felt, is feeling presently or will feel like this in a certain moment of his life. A little voice inside of me told me to choose and for the first time in my life I made a decision I wanted to make. Again for the first time in my life I felt proud of making this decision. This was my decision and it had to be taken to make only one person happy: ME. At that time I couldn't care less what others were going to say, hell I hadn't even thought about it when making the decision. Still it felt like the most natural thing, and for the first time since a long time I felt happy and balanced. I was like the little kid I used to be, proud of doing something right.
To be continued
*************************************************************************** Thanks for reading the text. Care to drop me a line? ;-)
Marcos ^Ö tulindobebito@yahoo.es