Howard

Howard

scass3254@aol.com

It was a nightmare that had come true. It was something that Howard Degman might have dreamed about but the reality was that he had been arrested and waiting to be arraigned. He wondered what his father would say when he heard the news that his son was in jail. Would he bail him out? That question was paramount in Howard's mind as much as what was going to happen to his law career. He knew that his father wasn't kind or benevolent but unforgiving. Howard remembered having dinner with friends. He had graduated first from Harvard Law School and they were out celebrating. The job offers had already began pouring in from some of Wall Street's most prestigious law firms and his future looked bright. He had a lot to drink and knew he should have gone home but they ended up in a gay bar. A young, handsome man around his own age approached him after his friends had left and they began to talk.

He heard his name being called. There was his father standing there, his face a mask of contempt, his long, angular body stiff. He glowered and glared icily. There was silence. Not a hello, are you all right? Not a hug of comfort. In its place was disdain.

"Look at you?" his father said with a contemptuous sneer. You're a disgrace. Howard had heard those words all his life as his father's steel gray eyes bored into him. "To think that I could raise a son who was this despicable." Howard could feel the hate in his father's voice and felt the hard slap on his face. The unexpectedness of the blow shocked him. "I thought that I raised a decent, God fearing man." His breath was hot on Howard's face. "Instead, I raised pond scum who propositions a cops, grabs his genitalia and offer to perform oral sex on him. I should let you rot in hell." The blood drained from his father's face, his bony hand shook as he raised it to hit Howard again. "You're contemptible. Never mind the money that this degenerate act of yours just cost me to have it forgotten." He became to tremble, spittle formed at the corners of his mouth. "If this action were to get out and made public, our family would be embarrassed and our reputations dishonored and sullied by the likes of you. Young man." He pointed his finger hard into Howard's chest. "You, are going to get yourself a wife and quickly," he roared. "You're going to completely cease and desist your homosexual degeneracy or you," he slapped him again, "will be cut off without a cent. No firm will hire you after I finish destroying your reputation. Go ahead and touch all the cocks that you want. You'll wish that you stayed in jail when I'm through with you. My son's a cock sucker!"

So, Howard Degman became a lawyer, one of two in the town that he lived in. He was successful if measured by the cars that he drove and the house and properties that he owned. People wondered why a man who graduated first in his class at Harvard Law School would stay in a town of one hundred thousand and practice law. Nobody ever found out about his arrest and the dismissal of all charges that his father's lawyer had arranged. Within a year he was married to a girl from a fine Memphis family. He knew that he was making a mistake, but knowing that he would be rich upon his father's death was great motivation. Over the years his relationship with his wife had deteriorated to where he liked to think that they existed in what he referred to as detente. Any feelings that they had had for one another had dissipated like morning fog. He existed in what Howard referred to as his self-imposed prison. He had no one to blame but himself.

Howard longed to be with a man. His wife had abrogated her wifely duties years ago when she had moved into a separate bedroom. Occasionally, he went out of town to seek out men. He was always fearful that his father would find out and what would happen if it were to be discovered. He was Fifty-four and had lived out his life in frustration and unhappiness. How many men were out there like him, married with families who were gay? How did they cope? Were they as unhappy? He discovered when he became computer literate that there were legions of men like him who longed to find love in the arms of a man. His wife occupied her days with her charities, social activities and gardening. When the need arose, they put on their smiling faces and attended a function as a happy family and they both had learned years ago to play their parts well. If his wife suspected that he was gay, she never said so and he had given her no cause to suspect that he was. The rare times that he went out of town it was for a convention and he was back within days. She had become accustomed to a grand lifestyle and didn't want to see it end.

Howard's once trim, muscular body had now thickened over the years. Huskily built after years of not exercising and too much drinking had added unwanted weight on his frame. Black coals for eyes danced with excitement and women found attractive. His once brown hair was now flecked with gray, along with a fine chiseled face with a cleft added to his masculinity. He was charming and quick-witted. Not a day went by that he didn't wonder how his life would turn out had he not been arrested.

The air was thick with humidity and the ceiling fan only stirred the hot air as Howard mopped the sweat from his brow. The air conditioning had broken down and he was ready to go to the Gray Fox, a local hangout and have a drink to cool down. He watched children playing in the park from his window. He heard their laughter and wondered what it would be like to be a kid again with a chance to start out fresh. To make life choices and not have them thrust upon you. He heard the knock on the door and turned.

"Come in, it's open."

Standing in the doorframe was a man around forty-five. He was tall and dressed in a pair of jeans and a work shirt. His face was bronzed from the sun accentuating his blue eyes.

"Excuse me for barging in without an appointment but I was in town and thought that I might drop in and say hello. My name is Tom Robertson. If you're busy, I can come back another time."

Tom had what women called a sensitive face. To Howard he was handsome. "Come on in."

"An old friend of yours said that while I was in town to look you up and say hello."

Howard brightened.

"And who is this old friend?"

"John Hughes. "

"John Hughes," his name rolled off Howard's tongue. He thought of his old college roommate. Tall and lanky with enough energy for ten people "I haven't seen him since the day we graduated. How is he?"

"He's fine. I'm here to settle my aunt's estate and John said that you were the man to see. As a favor to him, you are supposed to take good care of me. Did you know Margaret Johnson?"

"I certainly did. Your aunt was a fine lady. My wife and your aunt worked on many charity events together. You're her nephew, the writer." He examined Tom closely liking what he saw. You live in New York. The rebel is how she referred to you but it was always said with a smile. She loved you a lot."

"And I her."

"Come in and sit down. Pardon my manners. Forgive me for the heat but the air conditioning just decided to breakdown and my assistant is hunting up an electrician. Can I offer you a drink?"

Tom looked out the window.

"The sun's still out and I usually wait until dark. Maybe you'll give me a rain check. John said that you'd be the perfect guy to handle my aunt's estate and affairs. He speaks glowingly of you."

"Thank him when you see him. Where are you staying?"

"At my aunt's place."

"I have an appointment out that way in a few minutes. I could drive you if you don't have a car and we could talk."

"That would be terrific. I lent mine to the handyman that takes care of my aunt's place."

"Fred Whiters. Nice man. He's been with you aunt since I was a boy."

Tom smiled and his blue eyes sparkled.

"And he was probably fifty then."

Howard laughed.

A week later

Howard walked into the Gray Fox after work. A lot of the locals hung out there and Howard passed the time swapping stories. He spotted Tom sitting in a corner booth nursing a drink. The place was empty.

"Why so glum?" Howard asked. "You're aunt's estate is moving rather quickly and I'll have the letters of testamentary and all the necessary forms within a week if the judge can get his act together. This is hunting season and he might just pick his ass up and go grouse hunting with some of the boys. That's why we have the place to ourselves today."

Tom looked up and his eyes looked luminous. His face broke into a slight smile as if he was forcing himself.

"Just one of those days. Did you ever feel like you wanted to put the covers over your head and forget the world and everyone in it? Tom answered."

"Just about everyday. Mind if I sit and ask why?"

"Sit, pardon my manners.

Howard sat across from Tom and looked at the room that he had spent a great deal of his life in. Animal heads were mounted on the wall along. A lamp made from Elk's antlers hung from the ceiling.

"If you don't want to talk we could stare at the walls or that particular Elk," pointing to one. "I often do that when I come in here feeling like you do and have had one too many which is quite often."

Tom smiled.

"I don't know if you know but I'm gay. Not that it matters. I'm sure the word rebel that my aunt so often used was for my lifestyle. It never bothered her. I had a friend, no, a partner. It was a year ago today that he died. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself and blue. I thought that it would get easier, but there are days when I miss him so."

Howard looked at him and said.

"I'm so sorry. I can understand how you feel."

"That is one of the reasons that I came out here. I wanted to get away from the memories."

"Was he ill?"

"No, he was out jogging and had a heart attack. He was there one minute and gone the next. I guess it was a good way to die if you're going to die. He didn't suffer.

"It had to be a tremendous shock. How old was he may I ask?"

"He was fifty five. You remind me of him. You resemble him in body type and looks. When I walked into your office I was startled to see you sitting there. For a second I thought it was Brad. We were together for twenty years. I sense that people in this town might be homophobic so I don't go around shouting out that I'm gay." He drank his martini.

"I wouldn't either. They are a suspicious lot and a word of advice is to be discreet. A lot of these rednecks are rough and their macho gets in the way. As for you, you're young and good-looking and in time hopefully you will find somebody new."

"I wish I had your confidence."

"I wish I had it too."

"Would you mind having dinner with me one evening?" Tom asked. "I enjoy talking to you. Bring the wife. Most folks know that I'm from the city and I get these looks and I'm sure they're talking."

"The wife is going out of town tomorrow for a week and I'll be a bachelor. One of the ladies groups that she belongs to is going to Savannah and Charleston on some house and garden tours. I'm sure that you'll be topic number one among the ladies. A handsome new man in town who's sophisticated and suave is sure to be on those old crow's lips. They sure do talk."

"Then what about having dinner with me tomorrow? Am I being pushy? I wouldn't want you to think that."

"Not pushy at all. In fact I find you refreshing and alive. Do you like ribs?"

" Love them."

"Great. There's a restaurant about twenty miles out of town by the river that makes the best ribs in these parts."

"Then we have a date. You don't mind going out with a gay man?

"Not if you don't mind going out with one also." It just came out of Howard's mouth and he wasn't sorry that it did. Somehow, he felt comfortable with Tom and in the last few months he felt as if he was suffocating and needed to talk and be with another person who understood what he felt.

Tom smiled. "Your secret is safe with me. I knew that I liked you."

"I know that my secret is safe with you and I'm glad that you like me."

Tom wiped his hands on a napkin. His face was greasy as he chewed on a beefy rib with relish.

"These ribs are absolutely delicious. This place is magical sitting on the river under the stars. No place like this exists in New York City."

They finished eating and walked along the riverbank before heading home.

"I often wondered what it would have been like for me in New York. I was so sure that was where I would end up. I always believed it was where I belonged." Howard mused.

"So why didn't you make the move?

"I got in trouble when I graduated from college and my dad, sort of forced me." He smiled weakly. "I take that back. I grabbed a cop's dick and wanted to suck him off and got arrested. My father is very rich and he persuaded me that it would be in my own best interest if I married and cease my degenerate ways. Greed got in the way and I've been unhappy ever since. I was gay then and still am but haven't done anything in years. I live a pretty crappy existence. Now, you know my story."

Tom put his arm around Howard's shoulder.

"You poor man."

"Most people think that I am one lucky son-of-a-bitch. Big house, fancy cars."

"Like the poem Richard Cory. Everybody envied him as he walked through town and then he went home and put a bullet in his brain."

"Something similar to that. Funny, but I want to know what it's like to be with a man and wake up holding him and loving him. I exist and that's not how I want my life to be."

"It's wonderful loving someone. It's the greatest gift of all. I miss it." Tom turned and kissed Howard on the lips. His mouth brushed against his lips softly and his tongue entered his mouth. They stood along the riverbank under a large weeping willow tree and kissed. Tom held him close and kissed his cheeks and chin and his nose. "Would you come to my place?"

"You're not doing this because you feel sorry for me?"

"Howard," he kissed him more passionately and Howard responded, their tongues finding one another. Tom tasted sweet, a mixture of barbecue sauce and beer. Howard leaned against the base of the tree and held Tom close feeling the warmth of his body. His shoulders were strong as he held them. Tom took Howard's hand and placed it on his crotch and Howard felt the bulge in Tom's pants. "Does this tell you that I'm feeling sorry for you? I want to make love to you because I find you very attractive. Isn't that reason enough?"

"I haven't been with a man for a very long time. I don't want to disappoint you."

"Tom felt Howard's erection and smiled. "If what I'm feeling is any indication, you won't disappoint."

Tom's aunt's house was a large plantation. They entered and climbed the stairs to the master bedroom. A four-poster bed dominated the room. Tom opened a lamp revealing feminine, flowery wallpaper. Curtains softly blew in the night air and the scent of night blooming jasmine and honeysuckle filled the room with a perfumed sweetness.

"It's feminine but the bed is big." He held Howard close and began to undress him, eager to touch his warm flesh. His hand caressed his face, his lips tracing a line down to his mouth and he kissed him with a passion that Howard had dreamed about and never thought that he would experience. He responded with kisses that were both passionate and loving. He looked into Tom's blue eyes and kissed the tip of his nose.

Tom took off Howard's shirt. He was smooth as he ran his hand softly over his body and then to his nipple. He held Howard's nipple in his hand and applied just enough pressure so Howard moaned. He put his mouth to it and kissed it softly. Tom's mouth encircled it as his tongue licked at the nipple and felt it grow bigger in his mouth. Tom's hand roamed his body feeling the smoothness of Howard's belly. He reached inside Howard's pants and felt the softness of his pubic hair making Howard cry out. He kissed Tom hard on the lips. Tom's hand gently moved across the length of Howard's shaft and then down to his balls, holding them in his hands. Howard gasped as Tom played with them, his hands gentle as he caressed one and then the other. Howard's cock was stiff and Tom felt the wetness of pre cum and knew that he had better slow down. Howard stood in his briefs watching Tom undress. He watched with fascination, as pieces of clothes fell to the floor and his tight, trim body slowly became exposed. Howard felt his nipple still wet with saliva and squeezed it and wanted Tom to suck on them again. They moved to the bed and lay down next to each other. Howard was unsure as Tom inserted his fingers inside the waistband of Howard's brief and slowly pulled them off until they were both naked. Howard was of average size but his organ was thick and cut. His thighs were muscular from playing soccer in school. His belly was large and round and couldn't imagine why Tom would be interested in him. He had had sex with his wife but they never made love, love as he dreamed it would be. In Tom's arms he prayed that it would be as he fantasized. Tom was gentle taking his time kissing Howard's face and slowly they were entwined and making love to one another. Their hands roamed each other's body and Howard felt the joy of holding Tom's cock, which was average. He felt it in his hand, felt the smooth shaft and the velvet head and wanted to taste him. Tom sensed it and let Howard's mouth reach out and put it on Tom's dick. Howard licked the head slowly, tasting the pre cum that had formed and licked it like a child licking a bowl of icing. It tasted sweet and his mouth took more of Tom into it feeling the sensation that he had longed for. Hungrily, he took Tom cock and began to suck faster, his mouth now filled with saliva as Tom's organ slipped in and out of his mouth and Tom moved his hips slowly as Howard sucked. Tom took his cock out of Howard's mouth and kissed him with a burning sense of desire that had Howard pressing hard against him. They held on to each other, the night air cool on their sweating bodies as Tom licked at Howard body like a serpent as he found his other nipple and began to suck on it with an intensity that made Howard gasp. He held Tom's head to his chest as he sucked and felt his nipple get larger and larger. The intensity, the bit of pain only added to his excitement. The thrill made his shudder and he felt his entire body go limp as Tom made love to his nipples, first one then the other. His mouth and tongue delighted him with kisses as he traced a line of saliva down his body and his face settled in the soft public hairs of Howard's crotch. The hair was turning gray as he nuzzled his face in the softness and then his lips found his organ. Howard's cock trembled involuntarily as Howard licked at it like a lizard, his tongue flashing out and back and it coated the head with saliva making it slick and wet. His mouth encircled it and Howard felt the warmth as it pressed down on him and Tom began sucking. It was done with a tantalizing slowness, like watching a film in slow motion as he moved up and down on the head letting his mouth take in the thickness of Howard's cock. "Oh," Howard murmured as Tom's mouth began to work down the shaft and then up to the head. His tongue twirled out his cock slowly as he sucked at the same time. Howard's hand felt Tom's tight pec muscles and squeezed the nipples gently. Tom respond as he moved faster on Howard's cock. "Please don't make me cum," Howard cried out almost begging, knowing that he was ready to cum and wanted it to last. They lay next to each other holding one another, talking and laughing. Howard was giddy with knowing that for the first time in his life he was being satisfied sexually. Sure, he had had sex, quickies, at rest stops or in back rooms when he was on a trip. Now, it was with somebody he wanted to be with who was responding to him. Their bodies as one as they held onto one another. It was too mature men and not some buffed up twink that wanted pay to play. He kissed Tom on the lips and looked into his blue eyes. He imagined waking up each morning next to a man you love and how wonderful that feeling was. He never felt the closeness with his wife when they made love. It was a chore, a perk for doing something that she wanted. Here, love was being given because the whole idea was to please your partner and to love them. He slid down to Tom's cock, now sure of what he was doing. He wanted to taste the sweetness of the man, to bring him pleasure and in return would be pleasing himself. His hand found Tom's cock that was stiff. He ran it up and down softly and his fingers played with his balls. His mouth was anxious, an anxiousness that he had never known as he hungrily sort out what he desired. His mouth was warm on Tom and he responded by driving his hips as Howard's mouth took him all in. He felt his cock at the back of his mouth and he sucked with a pleasure like a hungry dog at its food bowl. He wanted to taste his cum; to fill his mouth and taste what he knew would be ambrosia. He moved up and down the shaft, his face wet with sweat and spit as he sucked as Tom was moaning from the pleasure that Howard was giving to him.

"That's it, Howard, almost there. Oh, how wonderful. Yes, baby, that's it."

Howard sensed that Tom was about to pop by the way his body tensed and he sucked faster and faster wanted to feel the cream fill his mouth. It was something that he had dreamed about and fantasized about for all these years.

"I'm ready," Tom shouted and unleashed a load that filled Howard's mouth and he tasted the sweetness that was Tom. He held the load in his mouth and savored the taste, rolling it around in his mouth and then swallowed it. For some reason he was proud of himself. He knew it was silly but he lay down next to Tom and held him.

"Thank you. That was wonderful." Tom held Howard's face in his hands and kissed him gently, putting his tongue into his mouth now with a gentleness and tenderness. His hand felt the ripe nipples, now his hand lightly touched them and his hand felly his belly and he got up from where he was laying and began to touch parts of Howard's body. Howard felt his dick begin to harden and Tom pounced on it like a cat on a mouse. This time he was toying with it but went right to work. His mouth took great delight in sucking and he was expert at it. He played with the head; slowly moving his tongue around it and down the shaft and up again. His tongue flicked at the shaft and Howard's balls, lifting his legs and licking at the perineum. Howard had never had that part of his body licked and it was an unbelievable feeling as Tom licked it and then his balls until his balls were slick with saliva. Tom's finger gently probed Howard's ass and he opened up for him and felt a finger moving inside of him. It was hard to explain but the thrill of a man inside of him was something that he had thought about. Here, there was no role-playing but partners loving one another and bringing the other to fruition. Tom's fingers moved gently as he sucked on Howard now moving with a rhythm that had both finger and mouth moving in tandem. Howard was moaning, groaning, calling out as he felt his ass tighten around Tom's finger and he cried out.

"I'm coming. He unloaded a stream of juice that he thought would never end. Tom savored it and swallowed it and held some in his mouth and kissed Howard with it.

"Babe, this is how you taste. It's wonderful." He kissed him and held him close.

Howard spent the night and for a week he and Tom spend each night together exploring each other's body. Tom decided he was going to stay in town for a while and maybe write a book that he was meaning to write. Howard lived for each day knowing that for the first time in his life he was happy. How long it would last, he didn't know but this is how he dreamed it would be.

When Howard's wife asked if he was lonely while she was away, he smiled and told her he was.