HOW WILL I GO ON ?
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HOW WILL I GO ON ?
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The following fictional story deals with sex among males. If you are offended by such material, are too young, or reside in an area where it is not allowed, depart.
Though not observed in this story, care enough about yourself and humankind to practice safe sex.
The author retains all rights. No reproductions or links to other sites are allowed without the author's consent.
Many thanks to Tim and Patrick for proof reading this for me. Grammar is such a pain but they prod me into using those silly commas!
And finally...Dad, you're never far from my thoughts!
Ash - asherbradley@yahoo.com
Looking out the hotel window I could see the rain sweeping across the parking lot, trees rising through the storm like ghostly apparitions. The storm had risen quickly, as they sometimes do here at the mountaintop, and it seemed to be just hovering here, determined to make this day even more unpleasant than it was already destined to be.
Jacob was tall, at least to me! His 6' 2" frame always seemed to tower over me. Of course it could just be the fact that I loved to duck my head and nuzzle under his chin that made him seem that much taller.
We had met almost 9 years ago as we were both starting college.
"ASH...ASH...Wait up!"
Who was that calling to me, I wondered?
I recognized the face from my Systems Design class but didn't know his name. By the time he reached me he was panting, slightly flushed with a light sheen of sweat on his brow. As he paused to catch his breath I enjoyed the scenery. About 6 feet tall, I'd guess, with reddish brown hair, he was wearing loose shorts, a tank top, sneakers and low white socks. I loved the low athletic socks that allowed calves to show! His muscular calves hinted at what the thighs might be like; his arms and chest, what I could see of them anyway, were nicely defined without being massive. No basket analysis was really possible because the shirt was out and the shorts baggy enough that no hint of what laid there was given.
"I'm Jacob, from the System Design class" he said by way of introduction "Do you have a partner for the project yet?"
The question took me by surprise. The project had just been assigned in class and I hadn't even had time to think about the project itself, much less someone to team up with to do it.
He grinned at me.
"I hope you haven't! I know that your grades in the class are good, you always have interesting and pertinent things to add to class discussions and I thought that I could learn something from you if we could work on this project together."
That statement was delivered in a kind of breathless, run on sentence, his eyes conveying just how apprehensive he was about approaching me. Not that I'm unapproachable but I do pretty much keep to myself, don't party or drink much. Fact of the matter is that I wasn't looking forward to the project because we were supposed to team up with someone. I had actually thought about approaching Prof K. and asking if I could do it without a partner.
"No, Jacob, I don't have a partner, and was actually thinking about asking Prof K. if I could do it alone."
I could see in his face that he thought all was lost.
"However, I think that working with a partner might be beneficial. I can get someone else's point of view on things. So let's do it!"
Raising his fist in the air and mouthing "YES" he suddenly grabbed me in a huge hug!
"Oh God, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I don't really know you, my family's very touchy, I'm used to it..."
Another run on sentence, what had I gotten myself into? I found out from first hand experience, as time went on, that Jacob was from a very touchy family. They hugged at the drop of the proverbial hat and were apt to include anyone within arms reach! As I got to know him better I came to really enjoy it. Our society doesn't encourage men to touch, and as our friendship deepened I came to realize that we're missing something, and that I relish those touches from him and his family!
The knock on the door came as expected, shocking me out of my daydream. I grabbed the wool felt hat from the dresser as I walked to the door. Opening the door I greeted my friends, my support group, they had all been wonderful during this trying time. As I joined them in the rain Patrick wrapped one arm around me and gave me a reassuring squeeze, before commenting that it wouldn't do to be late. My only response to that was a wave of my hand. They couldn't very well start without me.
In the car it was cold and damp and the heater hadn't quite completed the task of drying things out. I shivered, and drew my coat about me, in response to which Patrick and Evan closed in on me from both sides in an effort to warm me.
In our sophomore year we became roommates. We got along well, enjoyed each other's company and decided it was the smart thing to do. Best of all, no more breaking in new roommates.
Over time we became very relaxed with each other. Nudity wasn't any big thing; it can't be when two people are sharing a 12 x 12 room and a bathroom. I always enjoyed seeing Jacob come from the bathroom wrapped in a towel.
I knew of course what was hidden there. Jacob and I lived together after all and we had often swum together at the college pool, or played tennis. Often ending up showering together, so I'd seen his perfect, cut 5 inch cock, with its low hanging balls. I'd marveled at just how well proportioned his body was, enjoyed a playful swat on the ass, all the time praying that my own cock would behave. I didn't want anything to harm our friendship. Even if I was in love with him.
In our last semester that all changed.
"Ash?" Jacob had said one day not long before graduation. We were in our room studying for exams.
"Yep...what can I do for you?"
"I've been wracking my brain for a really good way to do this and I can't find one better than just saying it dude."
"Saying what," I asked
Jacob blushed and stammered as he looked at me and said "I'm gay and I love you."
I was momentarily stunned, a million thoughts rushing through my head. Then I got up walked out.
Staring at the huge oak just across the way I, marveled at its size, the branches drooping down, heavy with the morning's rain. The box before me was made from a similar tree. I moved my eyes down, noting the beautiful polished shine that oak can take on. It was highlighted by the beads of water from the storm. This was the first time I'd been able to bring my eyes down to actually look since I'd arrived at the cemetery. The beautiful oak casket contained my husband of five years.
I thought back on how the oak casket was brought about. Not just that it was what he'd wanted but how serious he'd been when we'd discussed it. It was shortly after my father died and we'd been discussing the funeral. Our conversation had turned into one of those free flowing conversations that takes on a variety of subjects and sometimes flows to odd destinations. At one point he'd looked me right in the eyes and told me that he loved the warm, natural look of an oak and that if he died before me he wanted an oak casket. I'd thought it strange and cute at the time and promised him that if, for some reason, I had to bury him, he'd get the best oak casket money could buy.
When he had asked me what I wanted I had glibly replied that I wanted to be buried in a hot pink casket, carried to the grave by six drag queens. He hadn't been amused. Looking at me with this serious look he had, one eyebrow cocked up and a slight frown on his lips, he'd demanded a serious answer. I hadn't been able to give him one at that time; it unnerved me that he wanted to talk seriously about death. His only response to my uncomfortable silence had been to wrap his arms around me, squeeze me tightly and whisper an apology in my ear, telling me that we'd talk again in the future, not to worry.
The irony of that conversation caught up with me now as I stared at the box in front of me. I loved him and honored him and the casket was beautiful, but I'd give anything to have him standing before me.
I know, I know...walking out was a really stupid thing to do, but it wasn't like you think.
When I returned, letting myself into our room I found him curled up in a ball on his bed crying. Realizing what I'd done to him, I set the bag in my hands on the bed and then turned and rummaged through my dresser. Finding what I was searching for I sat on the bed next to Jacob, and drew his resisting body up into my arms, forcing his head onto my shoulder.
"Jacob, I'm so sorry, I realize what my leaving must have said to you, but please listen to me now. I sort of shut down there for a few minutes when I realized that you'd had the guts to say what I'd been thinking for so long now."
Pushing him back from me I looked into his eyes and explained.
"Jacob, please hear me out! The day we bought our class rings I was out shopping downtown. I happened to wander through a small jewelry store, and I found a beautiful, masculine, silver and turquoise ring. I knew that it would look great on your hands, and I bought it. I never had the balls to give it to you though. I was afraid of what you'd think."
I dropped my head to down at my own hands holding the ring box, afraid to look him in the eye now. Knowing what I was about to say, knowing I had to look at him when I said it, I raised my head to look at his face. Tear tracks were evident on his cheeks and he was flushed from crying, but he was still beautiful.
"Jacob, you've given me the courage to say this, man..."
His look became questioning as I opened the ring box, took his hand and uttered the words that would change my life.
"Jacob, will you marry me?"
He was stunned to say the least, taking a deep ragged breath before saying
"Yes."
Reaching for the bag on the bed I withdrew the dozen red roses that I'd gotten from the local market.
"These are for you."
His smile lit up the room and I knew that things would be okay.
Our first sex was that very afternoon. We both admitted to being virgins and I'm sure we weren't exactly in tune with each other, but we'd both read enough to know the mechanics of what we needed to do.
After our graduation we'd gotten "married" by a friend. Both our families attended, their acceptance of our relationship a blessing. Our honeymoon had been spent in the mountains of Colorado.
Friends had to lead me from the car to the gravesite; I wasn't functioning, not even on autopilot! I'm sure that the graveside service was wonderful but I hadn't heard a word. Greg, the friend and minister who had married us, had been a wonderful help after the accident, but this morning he might as well been speaking ancient Greek. My mind was filled with sounds and images of the years Jacob and I had spent together, 8 in all, 5 as married as any two people could be. It hadn't mattered to us that our union wasn't sanctioned by our church or the government, we were married. Greg had performed a wonderful ceremony for us and our families had taken some heat for it.
I didn't even realize that the service was over until Evan and Patrick tried to lead me away from the grave. I politely asked them to leave me, and they did, moving a discreet distance away.
As I stood there the tears started. Up to this point there had been so much going on and so many people around me that I hadn't cried. I wasn't crying now so much as tears were just streaming down my face. I had a single red rose tightly grasped in my hand, my final gift to Jacob. Leaning over to place the rose on the casket, I placed one hand flat to steady myself. I was struck that the beautiful polished oak which looked so warm, was in fact very cold. That cold seemed to enter my body, and chill my very soul! As the proverbial wall came crashing down, I fell to my knees sobbing both arms covering my head.
It had finally hit, the realization that this was it, it was over, I would never again hold Jacob and nuzzle his neck! Never again massage his strong back and butt in a shower. Never wake up and watch him sleep in the soft shadows of dawn, his chest rising and falling gently with each breath. As friends rushed forward, gathering me into their protective circle, only one thing was on my mind.
"How will I go on?"
All feedback and comments welcome! PLEASE let me know what you think. Ash - asherbradley@yahoo.com