How I Spent My Summer Vacation

How I Spent My Summer Vacation By Carol Hitchcock - Part 2

A story by Rogue Writer

(F/F, ORAL, ANAL, TOYS, JEWLERY, EXHIBITIONISM, EXPLICIT DRUG USE AND EXPLICIT WHIPPED CREAM USE)

QUICKIE DISCLAIMER - Look up. Don't like it, don't read it.

CHAPTER 7: THINGS COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE...

The four of us were in the Jacuzzi the next morning and the topic was suicide. We got on the subject after smoking a joint and hearing Isobel open up about it. She had considered suicide during high school and planned to hang herself.

"Hanging yourself, ugh," Kim said, "I couldn't do it that way, slowly choking to death. Suffocation scares me."

"No, I thought it happened quick," Isobel said, "I heard your neck breaks before anything else, right?"

"I think that depends," I interjected, "on how far you fall before it catches you. When they used to hang people in the Old West they'd fall through a trap door and drop a few feet until the rope caught, which broke the neck. If you just kick a chair out from under you it'll strangle you until you're dead."

Isobel had a pained look on her face; obviously she now had another reason to be glad she didn't go through with it. The first reason put an arm around her shoulder and hugged her. Kim looked over at me with a smile. "Well thank you Doctor Scully."

"What's your problem, slut?" I asked.

"You're awfully up on your death knowledge there, whorebag. Guess I should be careful in case you want me out of your life." Her last words made me just stare at her. Kim looked over at Isobel and Maria. "Now if I wanted to do myself in, I'd get in a bathtub full of warm water and cut my wrists open."

"Why would you do it like that?" Maria asked.

"Well first of all it's not too painful, you just wait to pass out from losing too much blood. And second, if people hurt me enough to make me want to commit suicide, I'd be getting back at them when they walked in to find a big, bloody mess in the bathroom."

The three of us just sat there and stared at Kim. Her eyes stared off to some faraway place, and I just knew she was imagining how she'd love to do that to her parents.

"Jesus Kim," I said, snapping her out of her vicious dream. "What?" she asked.

"You. Blood, revenge...and you said I was morbid."

Kim smiled. "Guess I just have to always go over the top."

The four of us ate some breakfast, or lunch by then, and went out to the beach. Electric jolts of excitement coursed through my body as I once again walked topless in the open air, surrounded by people. Today I was much more comfortable with it, my inhibited side had had its fear fit yesterday, leaving only my naughty side to enjoy the situation. The feeling of the sun and wind on my bare breasts was making me wet and I had to fight the urge to touch myself. I also had to stop myself when I was spreading suntan lotion on my breasts and I kept doing it to the point where I was practically playing with them. We went into the water for a little while and had some drinks at the open-air bar again.

Isobel and Maria went home to get ready for that night and Kim and I went back to the house to do the same. When I got out of the shower I found a beautiful dress lying on the bed. I thought I knew everything in Kim's wardrobe, so I picked it up and held it in front of me in the mirror just to check it out. It was a bone white, one shoulder piece that came well above the knee. In the mirror I saw Kim walk into the room.

"This is going to look killer on you," I said.

"No it's not," Kim said. "I got it for you."

I stared at her for a moment and then put the dress back on the bed. "Kim...I appreciate this and all, but I can't take it."

"Why not?"

"You're already paying for this trip, and for me to go see my parents. That's too much already. This dress looks expensive."

Kim rolled her eyes, "What's expensive to me? C'mon fuckwad, I wanted to get you something that you'd look really nice in 'cause I'm sick of seeing you in discount fashion. Just put it on and take a look."

I humored her and put it on. She gave me a pair of white two-inch heel sandals and (it wouldn't be Kim without it) a gold armband to go along with the gold anklet and toe ring set she'd given me last month. When I stood up for her to look her eyes bulged out.

"I always tell you you're beautiful and you never believe me," Kim said, "now go look in the mirror." I did and what I saw made me stop and stare. Kim walked up behind me. "Even you can tell now, can't you? See what the right clothes can do?"

I posed and smiled. "Wow."

Maria and Isobel picked us up and after dinner we went to the lesbian club they'd told us about. As we found a table, I looked around and noticed the place was bigger than I thought it would be. I wasn't sure if that would work with my plan.

My plan. It was becoming harder and harder for me to go through with this. After letting her pay for this trip, the dress, saying 'I love you'. It wasn't that I was afraid she was going to think I was taking advantage of her anymore, I felt my plan was so perfect none of that would be a problem. But part of me was starting to regret what it was going to do to her. I worried about hurting her feelings. To tell you the truth, I wasn't as worried about me saying 'I love you' as I was about her saying it, because it meant she really felt it.

But deep down I knew I had to do it. Kim was a big problem in my life whether she loved me or not. I wanted to graduate from college and she had become an obstacle. This was the way it had to be. So I started out with saying, "That was really shitty the way you treated your mom earlier."

Kim looked down at the table, but I could already see the anger building in her face. "That's because you don't have to live with her."

"No. But I do have to watch you treat your parents like shit."

Kim looked me in the eye. "Why the hell are you bringing this up now?"

"Because I got so angry hearing you talk to your mom and I realized how long I've wanted to say something about it." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Maria and Isobel quietly get up from the table and move out onto the dance floor. Kim looked down again as I continued. "From what I've seen they're willing to do anything for you, give you anything you need"

When Kim looked up at me I could see the rage in her eyes. "And they're always telling me what to do too, trying to tell me how I should live my life!"

"Hello! That's every parent, at least the good ones. You know how many friends I had back home whose parents didn't give a shit about them? Right now most of them are in jail or belong there." Kim turned away. I could almost feel her seething rage from across the table like it was a physical force. She was trying to keep it bottled up, which was very unlike her. I had expected more yelling and screaming by now. But then I realized she didn't want to explode at the one she loved.

That thought almost stopped me from going through with it. I felt the guilt welling up inside, ready to step in and calm her down by apologizing for what I'd said, wanting to soothe her and hold her and tell her everything would be okay. That would have been what happened if a waitress from the bar hadn't walked by, reminding me of the waitress from the diner. Suddenly I realized I had to look out for myself as well. I shut my eyes tight and thought of anything that would push my 'Kim guilt' away.

My parents.

Safeway Mart.

The waitress.

I opened my eyes. It was time to seal the deal. "I bet my friends would give anything to have parents like yours."

And the bottle cap blew off. "You have no idea what you're talking about!" Kim had screamed so loud at me that even with the dance music blaring some people around us stopped and stared. I felt some spittle from her hitting me in the face as she spoke. "You don't understand how much they expect from me! What they want from me!"

"God forbid they should ask for anything in return!"

"Then maybe I should start expecting things back from you too!" Kim screamed.

Bingo. I gave her an angry look. "If that's the way you want it," I said, "I'll give you as much money as I can. Just don't expect anything else." I got up and walked away from the table.

All the way to the bar I hoped against hope that she wouldn't follow me to try and make up. There were two things left to chance in my plan, the first being that her anger would overpower her urge to make up quickly. Sure, she'd probably try to patch things up tomorrow, but by then it would be too late, as long as the second part left to chance worked. I sat at the bar and when the bartender came up I didn't order a drink. I waited and waited, but nothing happened. Most of the bar stools were taken, but it seemed like everyone there was with someone. Worry started to creep into my body, and it took everything I had to resist the urge to turn around and see what Kim was doing. But I reminded myself that I needed patience in order for this to work out right, just like I needed to take some chances too.

It paid off because a few minutes later the bartender came up and said someone wanted to buy me a drink. She pointed at the end of the bar and when the girl waved my eyes almost fell out. She looked like a model from an L.L. Bean catalogue- the gorgeous, healthy looking girl next door. I estimated her age to be late twenties. Her chestnut brown hair spilled past her shoulders and her skin had the slightest hint of a tan. Best of all, she had those big, luscious Angelina Jolie sized lips that begged to be kissed. Jesus, Kim was on the mark about the right clothes.

I ordered the drink as I felt my stomach tighten and my throat dry up. When the bartender served me I downed half of it to solve the problem and walked over to my admirer. She turned away from the bar as I walked up and flashed me a set of perfect teeth.

"Hey there," she said.

"Hey. Thanks for the drink."

"It was the least I could do for exposing me to your beauty."

I'd never felt so self-conscious in my life. Here was this beautiful creature telling me I was beautiful. I was so caught off guard I couldn't speak. She broke out in laughter.

"Wow," she said, "I've never seen a whole body blush before! I guess that line really works. Some guy used it on me and I couldn't tell if he was cheesy or just the line, so I figured I'd try it out. Must have been him." She smiled again. "But I really do think you're beautiful, otherwise I'd have never tried it on you. Best thing to walk into this place in a long time. I'm Gwen, by the way."

"Carol."

"You want to go someplace a little more quiet?"

"Sure."

I snuck a quick peek as we walked and noticed that Maria and Isobel were back at the table with Kim, but they weren't looking in our direction. Gwen led me to a door with a bouncer in front of it. They exchanged nods and the bouncer opened the door, revealing a staircase going up. The room at the top had a bar on the right wall and three sets of couches and stuffed chairs around small tables. Two women occupied only one of them. To the left there was a wall-to-wall window looking down on the rest of the club. We sat near the window, but the blaring music was barely audible. After a waitress came up and took our drink orders I asked, "Who do you have to know to get up here?"

"It's not who you know," Gwen said, "but what you have." Great, she was a rich girl. How long would she want to be with me when she found out I was dirt poor? Under the table I felt her bare leg slide up and take residence against mine. "So, this your first time in Rio?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"I've been here three years and I haven't seen you before tonight. Besides, I figure a sophisticated looking lady such as yourself would have made it up here before if this wasn't your first time."

I tried hard not to react to being called sophisticated. "Must be great. Living here, I mean."

Gwen shrugged. "It's okay. Like anything it loses it's shine after a while. How long are you here for?"

"Three weeks."

"Like your hotel?"

"Not staying at a hotel." I hesitated. "My family has a place." I mentioned the name of the street we were on.

Her eyes lit up a little. "Nice neighborhood."

"It's not who you know but what you have," I said. Gwen smiled. We chatted with small talk for a while as I acted up the rich girl role. I had to do some fast-talking, but luckily my writers' imagination and empathy were great tools. When I mentioned I wanted to be a writer she laughed and told me she was the author of several romantic fiction novels. That time I couldn't hold back my excitement. Gwen told me the titles of her books, none of which I'd heard of since I don't read romance stuff, and explained she had just finished doing research on her new book. I told her about some of my story ideas and characters and she said they were outstanding. When she told me she wanted to see some of my stuff and possibly give it to her publisher, I had to keep myself from screaming and lunging across the table to kiss her. This plan was turning out better than I could have imagined.

Gwen kept buying drinks and time seemed to melt away as we talked. At some point I came to the conclusion that her hair was dyed but I don't remember why it seemed important. What was important was that I hadn't felt this much joy in months. Sure, part of it was the alcohol and the fact that Gwen had a great personality, but most of it was the feeling that something new was starting and the old was shedding away. First, I had spent the past few months partying with guilt, knowing my grades were slipping and that my girlfriend was a black hole whose gravity I had fallen prey to. Then, when I finally decided to do something about it, I was saddled with the burden of having to break up with Kim. Most of that burden had come from guilt; Kim had always lent me money when I needed it, or actually when she needed me to have it. Kim would buy me drinks all night to keep me out partying with her.

So many times during the conversation I just wanted to lean across the table and kiss Gwen. The women at the other table had started kissing each other, and after seeing that I said to Gwen, "Let's go to my place." I liked being able to say that, so much so that I it didn't dawn on me until the cab was halfway there that if Kim were home my little ruse would be shattered. Of course that had been part of my plan, but now I didn't want to lose my connection to Gwen and the opportunity for my writing in the process.

Turns out my lucky streak for the night wasn't over, Kim and the girls must have stayed out for the night. Gwen complimented me on 'my place' and I went upstairs to get one of my stories while she mixed us some more drinks. When I came back downstairs there was some soft music playing on the stereo and Gwen was sitting on the couch. I handed her my story and she told me she'd read it tomorrow. Gwen handed me my drink and made a toast, "To the start of a successful career." She downed her drink in one shot and I followed suit. She took the glass from my hand and put them both on the table, then leaned over and kissed me.

The sex between Gwen and I was not slow and calculated like Kim and I have. It was raw, vicious, almost like an attack. This was completely opposite from the lady I'd met earlier. This sex wasn't like a moan, nor was it like a scream- it was more like a guttural cry. Savage. Primitive. She had my clothes off in mere seconds. I was positive I'd find a tear in them somewhere later. That made me angry so I tore off her clothes too. It only seemed to fuel her desire because she threw me down on the couch and sucked on my breast like a madwoman. Gwen took no time in working her way down to my pussy and her tongue was all over the place. I put my hands on her head as she licked and sucked me to an orgasm. When she was done she kissed down my leg until she got to my feet and sucked on my toes. She did the same to the toes on the other foot and kissed up that leg. She crawled on top of me and we embraced in a passionate kiss that seemed to last forever.

We got off the couch and lay on the floor as we continued to kiss and cuddle. Finally I got up on my knees and told her to lie still. I picked different parts of her body to lick and suck on for a minute at a time. First it was her neck, then the toes of her right foot, the hollow of her left shoulder, the underside of her left knee, her entire right side, her belly button, her face and finally I used my fingers to lightly play with her breasts. Turning around while I straddled her, my fingers danced in her hairy mound as her breaths became more audible and ragged. Gwen's legs spread open, exposing her pink beauty and inviting me to give her pleasure. I leaned down and dipped my tongue into her folds for a brief second, causing her legs in front of me to jerk in response. I did it again and again and finally covered her sex with my mouth, letting my lips slide towards the center until I gave it a kiss. Then I began licking in earnest, my fingers sliding into her slit and slowly pumping away. I found her clit and sucked on it until she gave a loud moan at the sign of her climax. As she lay on the floor catching her breath, I turned and lay in her arms, cuddling to her breast.

"That was great," she said after a few minutes. "You ready to have some fun?"

"Yeah, but let me get something first." I ran upstairs and grabbed the anal beads and the lube. When I came back downstairs Gwen was in the same position, so I handed them to her. "I want you to use these," I said. Gwen started lubing the beads as I straddled her body again. I looked out the patio door at the moon reflecting on the ocean, remembering how the unexpected invasion of the vibrator increased my pleasure. Suddenly I felt a slow pressure on my asshole. It was Gwen's finger, getting my hole ready.

She worked it all the way in, moved in and out a few strokes, then pulled all the way out. I knew the beads were next.

"Ohhh," I cooed as I felt the first one go in. Half a minute later she pushed the second one in, then the third. On the fourth one a wave of pleasure washed over me. Gwen teased me by tugging on the string a little.

"Don't you dare," I said. She laughed and started licking the globes of my ass from the outside inward until she reached the sensitive skin of my ass crack, where she gave a long slow lick all the way up the valley. Her hand reached under me and started fingering my pussy, rubbing all around until I was good and wet. Gwen put one, then two fingers inside of me, burying them all the way in. They moved around in there, causing little waves of pleasure to surge through me. She began pumping her fingers in and out of my cunt, building me up to a climax while her other hand gripped the string and pulled the beads out slowly, each one causing my hips to shudder.

My eyes stared out at the waves coming onto the beach, the water breaking onto shore and then sliding back, coming and going over and over again. An act of nature, peaceful and serene, filled my eyes as the rest of my body was in a violent overload of sensations. My orgasm struck as Gwen pulled out the last two beads, the combined sensations had me gritting my teeth while a deep growl came from my lungs. I finally let out a scream. My body, covered in sweat, fell onto Gwen's as I took air deep into my lungs trying to catch my breath.

Gwen said she'd get me something to drink. While she was gone I looked out at the ocean again and had the wildest urge to go swimming. I suggested it to Gwen when she came back, and she said maybe after we rested. Soon, I'd finished my drink, but I felt really wiped out from our fun and the two of us cuddled up on the couch. Suddenly I was too tired to worry about whether Kim walked in on us or I lost Gwen, and fell asleep before I decided which one I really wanted more.

When I woke up someone was shaking me. I had trouble opening my eyes, and when I did manage to open them, they had trouble focusing. Finally they showed me Kim standing over me with a look on her face I had expected to see- she was upset. She said something I couldn't make out and I groggily asked her to repeat it.

"We got robbed!" she yelled. I heard what she said that time but it still took me a minute to comprehend it. I was in a fog. Actually more than a fog, my mouth was dry and my tongue felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. I sat up slowly because it was the fastest speed I was capable of.

"Robbed?" I asked.

"The money I left in my room, some of my clothes, my PDA. And two paintings are gone too." She was really angry, her face was red and none of it was from sun.

"Fu...fuck."

Kim looked back at me and suddenly her anger was replaced with concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said. I started to stand, but my legs were having none of it and Kim managed to grab me before I fell face first on the floor. She helped me into a chair. "I'm just...a little...hung over."

Kim put a hand to my face. "You sure? You're white as a ghost and you're skin's kinda cold."

Maria and Isobel came down from upstairs. Maria strode confidently, holding a carving knife in one hand and a bread knife in the other. Meanwhile, Isobel held this stubby little paring knife and her fearful eyes kept looking around. I would have laughed, but I was pretty sure laughing would have made me puke. "No one is here," Maria said. "Are you going to call the police?"

Kim hesitated for a moment, and then said, "Call an ambulance, right now."

"No, I'm fine," I said. "Where's Gwen?"

Kim looked at me. "Who's Gwen?"

"The girl I was with."

Kim became stern. "She was here?"

"No, there," I said as I pointed at the couch. It made perfect sense to me at the time.

The ambulance came and Kim insisted on riding with me to the hospital, holding my hand the entire way. She kept cursing Gwen, saying she was a thieving bitch and that she'd hunt her down and kill her for what she did to me. At the hospital the doctors pumped me full of fluids. They also tested my blood and found, along with plenty of pot and booze, a drug that is used to sedate people. When the police showed up I thought they were going to arrest me for using drugs, but all they did was ask me a hundred questions about Gwen. Turns out there had been a string of crimes involving an American woman who targeted rich people, both locals and tourists, by seducing them at a bar and getting them to take her home. Then she'd spike their drink with the drug and rob them of small but expensive items before they woke up. I was the first one to end up in the hospital. The doctors said some people have a bad reaction to the drug. The cops showed me a sketch of the suspect, which looked just like Gwen except her hair was darker.

Kim was by my side the whole time acting like a concerned mom, holding my hand, giving me little kisses and telling me she would take care of me. Kim's been sappy with me before, but never to this degree, and I remembered that she said she loved me, but now I was starting to get an idea how much. An ache started growing in my chest, nerves about what I intended to do and how hard it was going to be now. But I also remembered school and how important that was to me, and my parents, and how I didn't want to let any of us down. I decided that when Kim and I got back to the house I would do the deed before guilt hit the brakes again. It was at that moment that a thought hit me and I realized I had to check one thing before I went through with it. I was released after Kim paid my hospital bill with her credit card, adding more guilt to my conscience.

When we got back to the house I said, "I'm so sorry about all this, bringing that bitch back here."

"Don't worry about it. And don't worry about the paintings, all my dad's shit is insured."

"Yeah, but he'll be angry as hell."

"Not when his little girl lays it on thick," she said with a wink. "Now I want you to lie down on the couch."

"Actually, I'm going to lay in the bedroom. I need some sleep."

Even thought I could have done it myself, Kim insisted on helping me up to the bedroom and tucked me in. It surprised me how much this whole incident brought out the mothering instinct in her. But as soon as she was out the door I got up and went to the dresser. It was the something that dawned on me in the hospital, wondering how thorough Gwen's search was. I knew Kim left her money all over the place, so I couldn't be sure if Gwen just grabbed and ran.

Turns out it was thorough enough, my escape money was gone. So was the story I'd given Gwen. I sat on the bed and cried quietly, not wanting to bring Kim into the room. Just last night my dreams were within a moments reach, and I thought my life was about to change drastically. I should have remembered what my mom always told me about those get-rich-quick schemes on the infomercials, "Anything that comes so fast and easy exits the same way."

CHAPTER 8: ANNONYMOUS CLUB DRUG SEX

Throughout the following week I fell into an old pattern- going out with Kim and partying. Of course, I know now that getting drunk and stoned every night was my attempt to forget the disappointment and shame over my failed plan, as well as the guilt for what it further cost Kim. But that's the problem with hindsight- it's never there when you really need it. All that guilt was self-inflicted since Kim acted like I did no wrong. According to her, I was the victim more than anyone else and she blew off the fact that I'd cheated on her by saying it was a result of our argument and that we both acted badly that night. Part of me was uneasy about Kim's attitude toward the whole situation, but I since I felt so much guilt about what happened I was just thankful she wasn't angry.

Kim was also happy that I was finally loosening up and having a good time. She had no idea I was trying to numb myself and forget my predicament. We spent our days on the beach, the exhibitionist in me getting the most out of it, and the nights going out to clubs and dancing, usually ending up with Maria and Isobel in our bed. But like anything that was too good it had to come crashing to an end, and it started the night we were at a club with Maria and Isobel. We ran into a group of their friends. There were these two girls who, when Isobel introduced us, I immediately forgot their names for some reason. I figured I'd ask again later.

Kim was at the DJ booth, trying to get the guy to play a KMFDM CD she'd brought with her. The two girls whose names I couldn't remember were going to the dance floor and asked me to come. They said if Kim got the DJ to play the song they wouldn't know how to dance to it, since it wasn't their type of music, and wanted me to teach them. I rarely dance to club music, but I was stoned and on my third drink by that point, so I easily agreed. On the dance floor the two girls were grinding up on either side of me. The bass of the music felt like it was going straight through me, like I was a part of it, my heart synchronized with the rhythm. Suddenly I noticed the people around us were no longer dancing, apparently our antics had attracted attention and the people on the dance floor simply stood around us in a large circle to watch. The girl in front of me rubbed her breasts against mine, and the girl behind me ground her crotch into my ass. I was so high on the moment, enjoying the way these girls were dancing with me and turning me on. All the people watching us just seemed to add fuel to my fire, the exhibitionist in me coming out again.

The girl in front of me grabbed my head and kissed me. As I felt her tongue collide with mine, the crowd erupted in cheers and yelling encouragement. I felt something else enter my mouth, small and hard like a pill. Suddenly the object was at the back of my throat and, fearing that I might choke on it, swallowed. The girl ended the kiss and stared at me with a big grin on her face.

"What the hell was that?" I asked.

"A little surprise," she said as she started to dance again. My naughty side was in command those days, so I didn't worry too much. Not that it would have mattered if I did, I'd already swallowed the thing. The girl behind me put her arms around me and slid them down until her hands were at my crotch, her fingers pressed down and I felt a jolt. I didn't know if the crowd could see what was happening with the other girl standing in front of me or if my face gave it away, but another round of cheers, louder than the first time, erupted in the room. I pressed myself back into her body, feeling her large breasts against my back and she pushed her crotch into my ass. We must have gone too far for somebody because a pair of bouncers came through the crowd and asked us to break it up. We separated from each other and just started dancing, and the crowd started dancing again as well. A few guys came over and started trying to dance with us, so we decided to leave the floor and grab some drinks at the bar.

We found Kim talking with a few other people at a table. Her attempts with the DJ had failed because "they didn't play that type of music here". It didn't surprise me when she explained her next plan was to offer to let him watch us kiss if he would play it. When Kim wanted something, 'no' was not in her vocabulary. I told her about the dance floor and we laughed our asses off. Right after that I started to feel it. Not exactly like feeling lightheaded, more like I could feel everything and nothing at the same time but I had no control over which at any given moment. Ah, fuck it. Putting the physical sensation of tripping into words is impossible (at least I assume that's what I was doing, I never really found out what I took). But describing what I saw defiantly isn't. Looking around, all the light seemed to have shadows and even people did too, but they were colored shadows following behind them. Afterwards I realized the shadows were the color of their shirts and I was seeing trails.

Everything after that happened in some kind of heightened reality. I needed to ask that girl what she gave me, but when I looked around the table I realized she and her friend were gone. Somehow logic was still present in my brain and I thought they must have made a trip to the bathroom, so I got up.

"Hey, slutknocker, where are you going?" Kim asked.

"Hunting for clues." I responded. I didn't even think to ask Kim if she knew where the girls had gone. The walk around the dance floor seemed like a slow motion adventure, and even now I still remember some of the faces I saw on my way. Some guy complimented me on my performance; it wasn't until the next day I realized he was talking about my ménages e trios on the dance floor. I just said "Thanks, whatever," as I walked away. I don't know if he heard me.

Walking into the bathroom was like walking into a vacuum. The loud music and people talking were reduced to a muffle through the wall. And no more color trails because this room was a bright antiseptic white, the lighting made the walls and the floor almost glow. It was the brightest bathroom I'd ever been in. I had to stand there for a second just to get oriented. This is what Heaven must be like, I thought. Then where is God? Had to be in one of the stalls. The first two were empty. The third was locked so I knocked.

"What?!" The voice was heavily accented European.

"Are you God?"

"Fuck off."

I thought for a moment, maybe closer to a minute. Then it hit me. "Are you the girl that kissed me on the dance floor and gave me drugs?"

"I don't fucking kiss girls."

"Oh my God."

Those words didn't come from me, I heard them out of the last stall and they were followed by a giggle - a very cute giggle. So I went down there and knocked. The door opened and the most stunning Asian girl sat on the toilet. She wore a tube-top and a pair of shorts that I'm sure looked better on her hips than her ankles where they currently resided. She had long hair, dark exotic eyes and a diamond stud in her nose. She was so beautiful that I just stood and stared. This had to be Heaven, because this girl was an angel. She smiled back at my stare.

"Holy shit," she said in perfect English, via Southern California, "you're that girl from the dance floor." My witty response was to continue staring.

She giggled again and said, "Sorry, I'm not God."

"I want to eat your pussy," came out of my mouth without my internal censor even looking at it. Who am I kidding - my internal censor was off to the moon with the rest of my brain functions. The Asian girl's eyes widened with surprise, and then settled back into place as a smile that was part wicked and part innocent crossed her face. She nodded, so I entered and closed the door behind me.

"I've never-" she started, but I cut her off by putting a finger to her lips. "Shhhh," I said as I smiled. I took the finger away from her lips.

"Hold on a minute," she said and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe between her legs. When she was done she took her feet out of her slides and shook out of her shorts. She put one leg over the toilet paper rack and braced her other leg against the door. Her hands spread open her flower and she looked up at me with a smile.

"Go for it," she said. I got on my knees and put my tongue to work. She tasted bitter but not pungent. I licked all around as she began to moan and groan. No idea how long I went at it or if I was even doing it well, but I knew I was having a good time. I remember teasing her clit to the point where she begged, or maybe yelled angrily, for me to suck on it. I did so and pressed my finger inside of her. She was actually pretty tight, so I left it at one finger and pumped in and out as I sucked her clit. The Asian girl put her hands on my head as her body shook and I licked up her cream as it came. The girl was breathing heavy and she laid back, her head resting on the wall.

A strange feeling washed over me. My body felt numb and I felt like I couldn't breathe. This place was too quiet, too sterile, and too empty. For a moment I wondered if I had really died. Like a wave crashing over me, the urge to get out of there struck with overwhelming force. I stood, said "Thanks," and slipped out of the stall. Two girls were standing near the sinks whispering. I avoided their gaze as I walked briskly to the door.

Outside the bathroom I was blasted by the music again, the smoke and the lights, the people gyrating on the dance floor. It was great. I knew I was alive. Suddenly I realized it was KMFDM that was playing.

"Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" I screamed in joy and jumped into the crowd on the dance floor and danced like I never had before. The music was pulsing through my body and I felt like pure happiness was coursing through my veins. A hand grabbed my arm and I saw it belonged to the girl whose name I couldn't remember, standing next to her was her friend whose name I also couldn't remember.

"How do you like it?" she asked.

"It's fucking great!" I yelled. They started dancing with me and at one point I grabbed both their heads and pulled them into a three-way kiss. Soon after, the three of us left the club together, and that was the last thing I remembered.

CHAPTER 9: IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS YOU DON'T REMEMBER

Suddenly there was water. It smelled like salt water- hitting me in the face, swirling around my neck, slapping against my breasts and stomach, tickling my pubic hairs, sliding over my legs and foaming between my toes. I coughed, sputtered and gasped for air as I pushed myself up from the sand.

Then there was light, not a bright light, but brighter than the darkness behind my closed eyes. I opened them, but they couldn't focus immediately. It actually took me a minute to realize I was cold. I could finally see that the sun hadn't completely come up yet, half the sky was lighted by the dawn as last night's darkness retreated over the other half. And there I was lying naked on the beach. I looked around and saw that no one was with me, and my clothes were equally absent. The only thing I was wearing was body jewelry.

When I crawled up the sand to escape the waves of high tide I felt a sharp pain on my waist, just above and to the left of my crotch. I went to grab at it and felt material other than my skin. There was a bandage there. It was small, about two inches square. A dozen questions filled my mind. Who did this to me? Or did I do this to myself? Where did I get bandaged up? Where the hell are my clothes? And how the hell did I get here? Part of me wanted to pull off the bandage and see what was under there but part of me was afraid to face the answers to any of those questions.

The decision to leave came with the noise of people from somewhere behind me. I was stark naked in a public place. As much as it would have normally turned me on, I had no idea how I got there and I was worried about what was under the bandage. My head felt like there was nothing in it, but I managed to stand up and started walking. Looking around, I recognized some of the houses and realized I wasn't far from the Ross house. Hugging myself with my arms against the cold, I could feel my nipples were rock hard from the wind coming off the ocean.

There was a part of me that felt like crying. I'd hit rock bottom. I came here to get rid of a problem and it had only gotten worse. Now I was waking up in strange places without my clothes after getting so fucked up that I couldn't remember how any of it had happened. Even worse, apparently now I had damaged myself. I looked out towards the ocean, then back towards land.

There were a few people in the windows of their houses and I passed by some early morning walkers who stared. I remember hoping this didn't take the pleasure of exhibitionism away from me. The pain on my waist was still there when I walked into the Ross house. Kim was sleeping on the couch. I shook her awake, her eyes widened when she saw me.

"Oh my God! Where the hell have you been?"

"Body surfing. I need you to look at something for me."

We went into the bedroom as Kim told me how she had looked all over the club for me. Finally she came home in case I was here. She also told me she finally got the DJ to play KMFDM by kissing first Maria and then Isobel when the guy got greedy. I lay down on the bed and pointed to the bandage.

"What the hell happened?"

"Just pull it off and tell me how bad it is."

Kim peeled off the bandage. "Holly shit!" she said.

"Oh my God, is it that bad?"

Kim looked up at me, then back down at my waist. I had a hard time reading her look.

"What?" I looked down and saw a black mark on my skin, and at first I thought it was a burn. But looking at it I realized it was a design.

"You got a tattoo," she said.

I looked at it closer. "What is it?"

"I don't know. It looks like it's one of those Chinese characters."

"What does it mean?"

"It means you got a tattoo without me." Kim climbed off the bed and walked out of the room without another word. No outburst. It was more unsettling than if she had screamed and lost her temper. I felt this huge horrible feeling wash over me. I realized it was guilt.

Kim and I had talked about getting tattoos together. Not that we were planning on getting the same one, but we did promise we would share our first together. It had to do with experiencing something together that would last forever. I remembered, before I started planning the break up, how much I was looking forward to getting a tattoo and how special it would be getting it with her. That was why I understood how hurt she was at that moment. That's why, even though this was a perfect chance to break up with her, I followed with the intention of begging forgiveness.

I found Kim sitting on the couch in the living room, doing a line of coke. I sat down in the chair across from her.

"I don't even remember getting it," I said.

"That's not the point." Kim snorted another line.

"Then what is the point?

"You went off on your own and had fun without me."

Suddenly I remembered my purpose here and stood up. "Well boo fucking hoo. Afraid someone might actually have fun without you?"

Kim stood and yelled "I thought you liked being with me!"

"It doesn't mean we have to be attached at the hip the whole fucking time."

That seemed to throw her. She stood there silent for a moment. "Fine!" Kim said. She stormed out the back glass door onto the patio. I put my head in my hands for a minute. At first I was thinking this was not turning out like I had wanted, but then I realized it was exactly what I needed. It's hard hurting someone, even if it is necessary. And hurting someone you care about is even harder.

That's when I understood why this was all so hard for me on the inside- I really did have feelings for Kim. If the situation was different, like if she wasn't such a party animal or a very high GPA didn't matter, I'd probably be happy as hell about being her girlfriend. But the situation is what it is and I can only change what I have control over. Of course, that kind of logic is no consolation when romantic emotions are involved.

I went to the bedroom and crashed on the bed. When I woke up it was five hours later and I felt energized. While showering I noticed my tattoo again, and my mind was plagued about what this symbol meant. I was so fucked up I didn't even remember getting it, that made me worry about its meaning even more. I got dressed and decided I'd go into town and find the tattoo parlor I went to. When I went downstairs I called out for Kim and there was no response. She wasn't on the patio either. I found the note in the kitchen, it read-

Carol,

Going out to have my own fun. At least I'm letting you know so you wouldn't worry. Or do you even care?

Kim

I got angry because she was throwing her fit on a piece of paper. Suddenly I wasn't worried about hurting her as much as I was that morning, especially because I had something else to worry about. I called a taxi and on the way into town I asked the driver if he happened to know Chinese. English, Portuguese and some French, but no Chinese. My mind raced with all the questions about last night and the worst answers to them. Had I even wanted to go get a tattoo? Did those girls pull some horrible trick on me? Was I even conscious? Or did they get me marked, steal my clothes and dump me on the beach? All the unanswered questions were having a physical affect on me because my stomach was hurting.

The first two tattoo parlors were small places that had very few Chinese symbols. A guy at the second place told me about a tattoo artist who'd lived abroad for a while and brought lots of designs back, many of them Chinese symbols. I went there and knew I'd found what I was looking for when I walked through the door and the guy recognized me.

"You're...Carol, right?" he said in the most perfect English I'd heard from a local so far.

"You know me?"

He smiled. "I gave you your tattoo, didn't I?" I didn't respond. Suddenly the smile made an exit and his face grew concerned. "Jesus, you don't remember, do you?" He held up his hands. "Hey, I asked all three of you ladies if you were sober and you said yes. No refunds either."

"I don't want a refund and I'm not going to cause you any trouble," I said. "I just want to know what the symbol means."

He gave a warm, hearty laugh as he walked from behind the counter. "Sorry, I just can't believe you don't remember, especially after all the time it took you to choose. I was done with your two friends and you still hadn't decided." He stopped next to a poster board full of Chinese symbols. "But when you saw this one you got so excited I thought I was going to have to strap you down while I worked." He pointed to an exact replica of what was marked on my flesh. Underneath it were two lines, one in Portuguese and the other in English, giving its meaning. It read: "To Like Women".

I gasped and felt elation. Gone was the worry of what I'd done to myself. This was the coolest thing I could have ever imagined getting as a tattoo. The shop owner burst out in laughter. "I don't believe it!" he said. "That was the same look you had last night when you saw it!" When he finished laughing he walked back behind the counter and looked at me. "That must be something, to find that kind of happiness, forget you had it and find it all over again." He shook his head and laughed again. "And I got to see it both times. I love this fucking job."

CHAPTER 10: THE THINGS YOU NEVER SEE COMING

Before I went back to the house I stopped at a store and picked up a notebook and some pens. The good feeling I had from my tattoo discovery fueled a desire to get back on track, and I was determined to let nothing stop me this time. Kim was still out, so I sat at the dining room table and started writing. It just poured out of me, everything that had happened over the past week, my last few months at school and how I'd slid down from what I had a year ago. Everything I remembered, everything I could remember feeling at the moment and what I thought about it in hindsight. I couldn't write fast enough, and I had to stop twice just to calm myself down so I could keep going. It was the same rush I'd felt when writing before I met Kim, but there was still something different about it. I would later realize that I'd finally let go, because there were no inhibitions that had kept me from truly opening up even when I wrote regularly.

When I read what I'd written I felt so exposed, yet instead of feeling apprehension I felt a surge of excitement from the core of my being. It was like my naughty side and my rational side finally agreed on something. I wanted to treat myself, so I went upstairs and ran a bubble bath. I played a CD of Mazzy Star, which always makes me feel relaxed.

Lying in the tub, I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt that relaxed. It was hard to believe how accustomed I'd become to the tension in my body.

I slid down until my head was totally immersed. When I came back up, pushed my hair back and opened my eyes, I imagined I was being reborn. A new Carol Hitchcock. No more guilt. No more regret. Hit the reset button and try again. I suddenly felt like I was floating.

The idea of a new start made me excited, and something about that made me horny. My hands slowly ran up and down my torso, creating a tingling sensation all over my skin. I stopped at my breasts and caressed the globes with my hands, then lightly brushed at the sensitive skin with my fingertips. I took both nipples and rolled them between my fingers, soon after I began to lightly pinch and pull at them. Finally I scratched lightly at the hard nubs of flesh, teasing them to the point where they started to ache.

My hands slid down to my hips and rubbed around the area where my crotch and my legs meet. The anticipation began to build throughout my body. I spread my legs and took a deep breath. The feeling of my fingers touching my outer lips made me exhale. Rubbing up and down, I lifted my left leg and put it over the side of the tub for better access. Teasing the inner lips with the tips of my fingers. Running one digit all the way down my slit and back up again. I repeated that several times. My breathing became slow and deep. I closed my eyes, crooked my right index finger and gasped as I slid it inside. Pushing it in as far as it could go. Out again. In again. Slowly building. Out again. In again. Out again. Bracing my right foot against the end of the tub. In again. Out again. Faster now. Building momentum, my thumb occasionally stroking against my clit. It became harder to breathe slow and deep. My left hand went to my breast and rolled the nipple between my fingers. Short moans escaped my mouth with each thrust. I had a rhythm going. My clit became my thumb's full time job. I pinched the nipple. Slow and deep went out the window. My upper body rocked back and forth slightly. I clench my buttocks. My left hand abandoned my breast, fired my thumb and went to work on my clit. The change caused a quick cry from my mouth. My back lifted off of the wall of the tub. I exploded.

Slowly I returned to Mother Earth. After a minute I was able to control my breathing again. My eyes opened. The elation and excitement about what I had accomplished with my writing returned. I could feel the smile grow on my face. And that's when I suddenly had an epiphany, an understanding about what writing was. I had taken all my life experiences over the past few months, the good, the bad and especially the ugly, and turned them into something that I now felt good about. Writing helped me to understand some of it, gave another part of it perspective, but on a whole allowed me to put it all behind me. That was why I felt reborn. That was why I suddenly allowed myself to feel joy.

That joy lasted up until the moment I went downstairs and found Kim sitting at the dining table, reading what I had written. I'd forgotten to put it away. When she looked up at me her face held both anger and sadness. She held up the notebook.

"Is this what you really think about me?"

I stood there unsure of what to say. Being on a natural high, then walking into such a bad situation caught me off guard. She threw the notebook and it hit the wall to the left of me.

"Is it?!" she yelled. "After all I've done for you?"

It was like she'd thrown a match into a pan of grease, suddenly rage blossomed throughout my entire body. I yelled, "Because of you I nearly lost the money that's keeping me in school! Because of you I've completely lost touch with my dreams! Everything you've done for me?!!" I turned and went upstairs, pulled out my suitcase and started packing. Kim was suddenly in the doorway, her face had softened and there were tears in her eyes.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to crash at Maria's place until our flight."

"Carol, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were having trouble with your grades."

"Oh bullshit! How many times did I tell you that I needed to study or do homework? You just didn't want to hear it! As usual, all you think about is yourself. We're over, so that should give you plenty of extra time to think about you."

Kim walked up behind me as I was zipping up my bag. I picked it up and turned to face her.

"Just give me another chance, please."

I stared at her and for a moment I almost faltered again, almost gave into her. Then I realized this was just another ploy, like the blackmail on the beach. Thinking about how she pulled shit like that made me angry. "I can't afford to take anymore chances Kim," I said, "especially with you."

That really hit her. Kim's face went tight and her lower lip quivered. "Is being with me that bad?" she asked.

"Kim," I said, "you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me." I said it with such hardness in my voice that hearing those words even chilled me to the bone.

At that second I could swear I saw those piercing blue eyes dim for a moment. "You..." was all she got out before she ran into the bathroom and shut the door. I just breathed a sigh of relief as I realized I'd finally done it, I'd broken free of her.

When I got downstairs I picked up my notebook and looked at it. Remembering the joy and excitement I'd felt when I was writing, I put it in my bag confident that this was the start of something new. I was about to pick up the phone to call a cab when it rang. I almost decided to let it go, but picked it up at the last second. "Hello?"

"Carol?" It was Mrs. Ross. "How are you?"

"I'm good, I..." No, I couldn't lie. She'd been so nice to me. I wanted to tell her goodbye. "Kim and I are breaking up Mrs. Ross."

"Oh no! Why? Did she cheat on you?"

"It was nothing like that." An image of Gwen popped into my head and I pushed it out quickly. "I just...need some time away from her."

There was a short pause, and then she said, "Carol, I know my daughter can be a handful, but you mean a lot to her. She's told me that you're the one thing that keeps her together, that you're the only thing that's ever mattered to her. I have a feeling she hasn't exactly expressed these things to you very directly, but I hope they'll have some bearing on your decision."

I'd never really thought about it, but Kim throwing all that money my way was how she expressed her feelings. Probably something that came from being raised rich. But it was too late now. "This isn't easy for me, Mrs. Ross, but it's what I need to do. Kim parties too much and if I stay with her, my grades will drop and I'll lose my scholarships. I literally can't afford that."

There was another pause, longer this time, and I wondered if I'd made Mrs. Ross angry. "Listen Carol," her voice was different, more serious and a little tight. "If money is a problem, it's one I can solve." Another pause. "I'll give you ten thousand dollars if you stay with Kim."

Shock is too mild a word to describe what I felt at that moment. "Mrs. Ross, I...I'm not sure what to say."

"Then don't say anything and just listen." There was a stern, controlling edge to her voice. "There's a lot of opportunity here, Carol. I'm not sure if Kim has told you, but Mr. Ross and I are about to divorce. A lot of money is at stake and my daughter has some power as to which way it goes. How that turns out can be beneficial to you as well."

I couldn't believe I was hearing this, much less from a woman I'd imagined as the ideal mom. I swallowed hard. "What are you saying?" I asked. I'm not dense; I just wanted to hear her say it so I could confirm that I was the worst judge of character alive.

"Don't play coy with me, Carol," Mrs. Ross said impatiently, "You're the first person I've ever seen make Kim so happy. That means you have influence over her. The ten thousand is for staying with Kim and keeping me up to date on which way she's leaning." She stopped and I could hear her take a breath, "And I'll go up to twenty thousand if you can make sure she's on my side."

There really must have been a lot of money at stake for her to be throwing around those numbers and taking a chance I'd go for it. But Mrs. Ross was betting that this poor farm girl from Kentucky couldn't resist the kind of money she's only heard about, and anyone who knows me would most likely say it's a safe bet. People talk about what they would and wouldn't do for money, and usually how noble they'd be no matter how much was on the table. But most of the time that's just talk, because no one really knows how they'll react when that money is actually within reach.

"Well?" she asked. "What do you have to say?"

"Mrs. Ross..." I said. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, looking deep within myself, trying to find something that I needed to know was there. Somewhere past my mind, my heart, and maybe even my soul, I managed to find it, and opened my eyes and said what I had to. "Go fuck yourself." And with that I quickly slammed down the phone. I did it quickly because there was still a part of me thinking about how twenty thousand dollars would solve all my problems. But I also knew that it would cause a regret I would never get over, and I was through making those kinds of easy mistakes.

While I stood there in shock over what just happened, I thought about Kim, and many things about her behavior came into focus. The way she treated her parents, why she acted the way she did, her desire to get fucked up all the time. Why didn't she tell me? Now I understood why she expressed her love for me the way she did, but why not share her problems with me? Especially when, as Mrs. Ross said, I'm the only thing keeping her togeth-

I'm leaving her.

The bathroom.

A tub.

Oh fuck!

I ran for the stairs and bounded up them two at a time, which was a big mistake because halfway up my foot missed one and I fell flat. My head slammed into the edge of a stair, which might have killed me if it hadn't been carpeted. But pain shot through my head so bad that I felt like I had to fight to remain conscious. I managed to get on my hands and knees and took some deep breaths.

Through the pain there was a voice in my head screaming "GET UP THERE YOU STUPID BITCH!" I crawled up the stairs on my hands and knees until I got to the top, where I attempted standing. Luckily I grabbed the wall when my knees tried to buckle on me. Using it for support, I slid along as I walked to the bedroom door. Once there I managed to stand on my own two feet and carefully walked to the bathroom door. I could hear KMFDM's 'Anarchy' playing inside. My hand rested on the doorknob but I hesitated. I heard the lyric about blood and it reminded me of what I was probably about to walk into. At that moment I realized how much I really cared about Kim. Despite all the bullshit and how she acted, deep down I could really say that I loved her and mean it. A fine time to realize this, I know, but that's how it is with the things you never see coming.

I turned the knob, hoping that this didn't all come too late.

STAY TUNED for the head-dropping, pill-popping, slut-knocking, not-so-grandiose finale. And I promise there will be whipped cream in this one!

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