Legal disclaimer: this is fiction. Not saying that NSync are gay. If you break any laws by reading this, then don't.
Author's note: enjoy the chapter, tell me if you like it. have fun, be good.
Chapter six: It was almost as the words lingered in the air, before JC felt them as a soft caress right to his heart, he had never earlier felt such joy. He had lost himself, and his heart, in the depths of Joey's eyes. It was like a part of his heart he never knew he was missing, were added back, making his whole being tremble in sweet pleasure. Lovingly JC placed his hands around Joey's face. -I love you too, Joey, he said, his voice shivering with emotions, -you are my whole life, my reason for breathing; for my heart to beat...
Tears were forming in JC's eyes, he didn't want Joey to see them, so he leaned in for another kiss. His tears were tears of joy, but JC didn't want anything to remind Joey of what were waiting for them outside their own, private little world. Their lips touched lightly, almost shyly. Gentle at first, as they both savoured the feel of the other. As the kiss deepened, both hearts reached out to the other one, feeling the instant connection.
Joey had been about as surprised as JC to hear himself say what he did. But he couldn't help it, JC somehow had managed to break down all his defense mechanismes with a mere touch. For so long Joey had hid all his feelings and longings deep, deep inside, until he was sure no one could ever awaken them and make him vulnerable again. He was still scared, and the voices saying that this wouldn't last hadn't been quieted yet. By looking into JC's eyes, Joey knew that JC held the key to his happiness, his chance to get his life back on track. All he had to do was let him in, let him help him.
Somewhere in the kiss JC could feel something new, he couldn't set his finger on it, it wasn't anything solid. It was like watching an icicle, slowly dripping away, releasing it's icy grip on the surface beneath. What that once had been hard, cold and unapproachable, were changing, all it took was warmth and time.
Change. Yes, their lives would never be the same. From now on they would share the future, both finding security in the fact that they would not meet tomorrow alone. They were still in each other's arms, kissing slowly and warmly.
At one point JC pulled away and packed the blanket better around Joey. -I don't want you to get cold, baby, JC smiled. -And the idea of you being naked under that thing isn't doing wonder for my sanity either. That made Joey smile. And cuddle up tighter to JC. JC proceeded to pull the rest of the blankets over them.
-Sleepy, honey? JC asked as Joey let himself be wrapped up in the thick covers. -A little, Joey had to confess, the situation was just too cozy. -So, he said, drifting into sleep, -does this mean that you will be my boyfriend, Josh? -Yes! JC answered and hugged him. -Good...Joey sighed and was off to sleep again. Entangled in blankets JC laid his head down on Joey's shoulder and closed his eyes. He couldn't help the big, joyful smile on his face. -You make me the happiest man in the world, Joey, he thought, then smiled again over the cheesiness of the line.
Lance finally shut down his computer. In front of him Justin were sleeping on the couch. Chris was sitting in front of the couch. He was looking out the window, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.
-Well, Lance thought, -a few more days and I'll know if this ever works out. I hope it does... That piece of shit will learn that he can't treat my Joey like that and get away with it. His thoughts were interrupted by Chris getting to his feet. -I'm going back to my room, he said. -Need sleep. Lance took a closer look at his darkhaired friend. -Are you going to be okay, Chris? There might be some tension still around, but Lance would never want to see Chris hurt either. -Yeah, Chris said with a sigh, -I'm gonna go get some rest. I can't think straight anymore. He wandered off, leaving Lance with a sleeping Justin.
Chris didn't feel like going back to his room. True, he was tired, but he needed time to think most of all. He didn't consider it lying, what he had said to Lance. Right now he needed some time apart from all of them, especially JC and Joey. If all had gone differently, they may have found each other sooner and nothing would be in the way of their happiness. Instead they were now fighting for their love to overcome all the problems life seemed to throw at them. And Chris had his whole hand stuck right in the wasp's nest too.
He sure had some soul-searching to do, and he needed to do it alone. Lance would forever be his friend, but he was still a little angry with Chris. Justin didn't understand why Chris had did what he had did, he felt hurt by his friend. JC might say that by-gones were by-gones, but Chris knew that he hadn't forgiven him. His love for Joey was too strong and too intense, JC was being led by his heart in this case.
And as for Joey... Chris couldn't see how Joey could ever forgive him. He wasn't even sure of if he wanted Joey to forgive him. If Joey forgave him for what Chris had done to him, Chris still had to live with the knowlegde all his life. It was better if Joey was mad at him, hated him, like he deserved. For Joey's happiness. Chris didn't care if it meant that his best friend would hate him for eternity. He would do anything as long as it meant that Joey would be happy again.
His wandering had taken him to the roof. Over him blinked a billion stars, like they had always done. The air was sharp and cold, making his body shiver. The wind came in gentle blows, each one leaving a freezing mark over his skin. It was winter-time, where ever they was.
Now Chris could imagine snow covering all the roofs below him, pure white covering everything. Like a dampening blanket to cover all sounds, hiding everything. He was beginning to feel dizzy. He was so sick of all the hiding, and he was aching inside by the pain that came when the secrets were revealed.
Chris was angry, more angry that he had ever been, and he was heartbroken. In his mind the monsters of guilt and regret were staring him right in the eye. Clenching his eyes shut, Chris tried to rid himself of every feeling. It didn't succeed, instead the feeling of tears had his bottom lip quievering. An agonized scream tore the air as Chris fell to his knees, pounding his fists against the cold concrete.
He was breathing hard, the coldness under his hands began to creep into his heart. -I might have fucked up in the past, Chris thought as his mind started to calm down, -I sure as hell won't again. If I can't help Joey now, I'll take away the root of his troubles, of all our troubles... Feeling calm and collected now, Chris pushed himself to his feet. He would talk to Lance in the morning. If he wasn't all that wrong his little, sweet blonde friend had something nasty planned for a certain someone, and Chris liked the idea of that.
JC had gone to sleep rather quickly, and he didn't notice that Joey woke up after just some hours of sleep. The way JC had his arms around him and his head on his shoulder had Joey feeling warm and loved. They weren't even apart in sleep.
The room was dark, every detail was fuzzy. The only thing to be heard, besides their breathing, was the wind outside, sweeping the walls of the hotel. But it was warm in their bed, and Joey was relaxed by JC's presence. He had come to love him so much, so much that he wondered if it had always been there. How else had he been able to give himself so freely to him, how was it that everything that pained him became better when JC held him?
Joey was still scared of letting himself love someone again, and terrified of letting someone love him back. His experience with what had been called love had nearly cost him his life, JC didn't know how close Joey had come to ending it all. Maybe he would tell JC one day. It had only been that one time, but Joey was still shivering inside of how much he had wanted it then, how easy and right it had all seemed.
The morning had been bright. He was sitting on his bed, his body ached everywhere. Dried blood was on the sheets and on his skin. Joey was crying without a sound. He hated himself for it, but crying always seemed to lessen the pain a little. Looking up and seeing the knife that Jim had left, had him thinking the one thing his boyfriend had left him with. -You are worthless, why don't you spare me the trouble and just go ahead and kill yourself? If you have the guts...
Just reaching for the knife had Joey in so much pain that he nearly screamed. But he determintly locked his fingers around it, dragging it closer. The blade was matted by blood, Jim knew just how much to cut to make the wound bleed freely, but not as much that it would ruin the game. -I can't take this anymore, Joey thought. This was the only way he knew how to escape. The sun reflected itself on the knife, Joey's hand shook as he lifted it.
Fascinated he watched the blade coming to rest on his wrist, just a little pressure brought on the familiar sensation of pain. A little more pressure and he was rewarded by the sight of blood. -Just a little more, Joey thought, -and it will all be over... He was smiling without knowing it. -And Jim said I wouldn't have the guts...
The grip around the knife was firmer now, the action more determined. -So much blood, he thought almost amused. -How are they ever going to get the sheets clean again? He still couldn't bring himself to make the final cut, just let the blade dig into his wrist, causing more and more drops of blood to cover his skin. One of them ran over the side and onto his thigh, in a tingling rush.
His face had a look of concentration again as Joey lifted the knife again. The pain as the tip of the knife cut into his skin wasn't as bad as he thought it would be, he smiled again at the knowlegde that it would soon be over. He was a heartbeat away from letting the rest of the knife follow just as deeply when a sound startled him.
For the first time did Joey actually see what he was doing. His upturned wrist was covered in small cuts and a lot of blood. The knife was still embedded in his skin, starting that deep cut that would drain all his blood from his body. Slowly he removed the knife, still fascinated by the flow of blood. It was like he was hypnotized by it.
He was lifting the knife again when the sound came back. -Joey, darling? his mother called. -Are you up yet, dear? There's a phonecall for you, I think it's Jim.
Now there was a scared expression on Joey's face. Even if Jim were only talking to him over the phone, Joey still felt like he was too close. Like he could reach out and touch him, hurting him again. -I'll take it in here, mum, he answered, amazed over how normal his voice sounded.
-This isn't the way to get out, he thought and looked down at the knife in his hand. At the mention of Jim's name, his hold of it had changed. Now he was holding it like he was ready to stab someone else, to protect himself.
After he had taken a deep breath, Joey picked up the phone. His parents didn't know that Jim had been with Joey that night, Jim usually preferred spending the night where they couldn't be heard. Making Joey scream was what Jim enjoyed most, and he knew that Joey would do everything he could to hold it in when someone were close enough to hear. Much less fun that way, but it did make Joey easier to handle as he was terrified of his parents, or anyone, finding out.
Joey didn't have to speak, Jim knew that he would answer the phone. -Having a good morning, Joey? Jim teased. -I myself am a little tired. You always make me spend all my strength on you, you're just too irresistible...
Tears were making their slow way down Joey's cheeks and he closed his eyes. -I can't do this anymore, he whispered. -I won't do this anymore. -Are you crying, Joey? Jim's voice was getting harder. -Now what have I told you about that? His words made Joey cringe, but there was a little part of him that refused to give up. -Do you know what you almost had me doing this morning, Jim? he accused his boyfriend. -I nearly cut my wrists open, with the same knife you used on me last night...I nearly fucking killed myself!
-You lack the courage to go through with it, Jim said calmly as if Joey had said something about the nice weather outside. -Face it, Joey, you are nothing without me. -No, Joey answered, he had no idea where he took the courage from. -I'm nothing with you. I'm leaving you, Jim. I don't want you near me ever again.
Jim's voice was like a snake, sliding through the grass. Docile, but also deadly, threathening. -You are mine, Joey, you belong to me. I won't let you leave me, you need me to teach you not to be bad. -I don't want you in my life, Joey said, his voice just barely got the words through. -I will be forced to punish you, Jim said, the little trace of arousal in his voice made Joey surer of himself. He had to stop this now, he couldn't bear another moment with Jim. Than he would rather die.
-I'm not coming, Jim, he said. -We're through, I can't be with you anymore. -You can't do this to me! Jim screamed. -You never loved me, you lied to me! You lied all the time, you fucking bastard!
Joey put the phone down, he was crying too much to talk. -Yeah, I loved you, Jim, he thought. -But you ruined it, along with everything else you touched... He put the phone back on the receiver, wishing it would be as easy to be over Jim as it had been to end the phonecall.
Exhausted Joey laid back on his bed. Had he done the right thing? What if Jim was right, that he did need him to not be bad? But he couldn't take the pain anymore, that he felt dirty all the time. Jim had said that he was the only one who loved him, that he was the only one who would bother to. Were there no one else there for him now?
-I'll never love someone again, Joey thought. -And no one will love me. Joey knew he had meant his promise to himself at that moment. But he couldn't deny himself the bliss of loving JC, even if it meant pain afterwards. Was it possible that someone could love him too, love him for real?
It was so confusing, Joey was scared of letting JC love him, but he was even more scared of loosing JC's love. That was why he couldn't run away this time. He had to see this one through.
After a while he felt his body grow heavy with the need to sleep again, the last thing he felt was JC moving a little in his sleep, tightening his grip on Joey
Lance and Justin were alone. Lance was standing by the sofa, looking down on Justin. It was getting really late, Lance decided to wake Justin. The couch wasn't comfortable enough to sleep on.
-Justin? he said softly. -Justin, you need to get to bed. His only response was Justin turning on his stomach, hiding his face. -Come on, curly, Lance said with a smile. -You can't sleep on this couch, it isn't even long enough for you! -Go away, Lance, Justin mumbled. -No, on second thought... Sleepily Justin looked up. -Can I stay with you tonight, Lance? I don't want to be alone.
Justin looked unsure and scared, what had happened in the last days had him feeling the need for someone to be near him, to share the worries. -Of course you can, Lance told him. -The bed's big enough for the both of us. He smiled again. -As long as you don't snore, Just... -I'm not the one who snores! Justin played along. -You're the only human jetcraft I know of, Lance! -We'll see, was all Lance said. -Or we'll hear... Now go and get ready, little one... -I'm not little! Justin grumbled as he left to get ready for the night.
Lance was already in bed when he came back, smiling at Justin. This wasn't the teasing smile he had gotten earlier. Lance knew exactly how Justin felt, he shared the feeling. They both got comfortable, and Lance turned off the lights. Then Lance heard Justin say his name. -Lance, would you hold me? Justin asked in a thin voice. -Please?
Lance wrapped his arms around him, pulling Justin into a close hug. -Thanks, Justin whispered, leaning onto Lance and closed his eyes. -You're welcome, Lance whispered back, sensing Justin snuggle up closely to him and enjoyed the feeling.