Legal disclaimer: this is fiction, all made up. Don't read this if doing so makes you break any laws. Stear clear if you have a problem with m/m action.
Author's note: wow! I have been getting the greatest feedback to this story! :-) It really means a lot to me, as this story is kinda special to me. I would like to thank everybody that either mailed me or told me how much they like my story. And a little favour; go read The Hunted, Survivors and Rivals, and then mail Mich and bug her to write more, OK?? ;-) And also check out a story called Last Exit To Eden, a very good Chris-story and it's just beginning.
Chapter eleven: The sun was shining insistently in from the windows. The light fell on JC's face, making him turn to avoid the bright sunshine. The feeling of a warm body pressed against his own woke him up. Smiling a little JC let his fingers run through Joey's hair as his boyfriend was still sleeping, his head on JC's shoulder.
Lost in his own thoughts, JC looked down on Joey. Carefully he placed a light kiss on his cheek, then he slipped out of the bed. He hadn't meant for them to go all the way just yet. But the emotional state they both had been in last night...they did have a tendency to get carried away. Joey turned a little in his sleep, but didn't wake up. JC knew he hadn't forced Joey to do anyhting he didn't want to, but he also knew that he was the one that should have stopped it. After all, he was supposed to be the the resonable one here.
It was just that Joey was so irresistible to him. And seeing him so scared and lost after the nightmare, JC just wanted to hold him forever, protecting him from all evil. And it had been so amazing, so perfect, so filled with love and passion. JC let his eyes linger on Joey who was now laying curled up in bed, looking innocent and young in his sleep. Knowing he wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything with Joey in bed at his side, JC got on a pair of boxers and a T-shirt and headed for the livingroom. He just needed some time to think this whole thing through, to decide what to do now.
Chris hoped no one else was up yet. He had tossed and turned most of the night away and wasn't exactly in the mood for conversation. After a quick shower, he got dressed and was on his way to the the livingroom that was connecting their rooms, to get something to drink. -What I could use most now, he thought, -is a bottle of Scotch, but I guess a Coke will have to do...
He stepped into the room, seeing JC right away. The younger man was sitting in the sofa, turning a bottle of apple juice around and around in his hands. Chris sighed, JC and him was still not back to normal. The level of tension was still high, and he just hadn't the strength to try and do anything about it. Over the last days he knew he had distansed himself from the rest of the guys, and he also knew they had noticed. But for now he had to have it this way, that was the only way Chris knew how to get through.
Staying as far away from JC and Joey as possible was now one of hig biggest goals, he was sure he would cause them more problems if he didn't. And as for Lance and Justin... Chris knew he had taken over Lance's plan, and was shutting him out. It was for Lance's own good, he didn't have to be mixed up in this. Chris had to take his aggression and guilt out on somebody, Jim being the primary target. And Lance and Justin deserved a chance to develop whatever they had without any bad things interfering.
-Hey Chris, JC said from the sofa, looking as he had a lot of things on his mind. -Hey, Chris answered, getting his can of Coke from the mini-fridge. After opening it, he joined JC in the sofa. -Something wrong? Taking a deep breath, JC said slowly: -I don't know... He threw a quick look at Chris. -I kinda slept with Joey last night. -So? Chris asked, taking a drink of the soda. -You sleep with him every night...he paused. -Unless you mean... -Yeah, JC said, -we slept together.
Chris didn't know how to take this. And the fact that JC looked like he was feeling guilty, made Chris angry. -You were supposed to help him! he accused JC. -I can't believe that you of all people could take advantage of Joey like that! Anger was beginning to show in JC's eyes. -It wasn't like that, Chris! We both wanted it, but... -But what? Chris challenged him. -You didn't mean to? You got lost in the moment? What, JC? -He had a nightmare, JC said, looking away from Chris. -And I comforted him, and we ended up kissing and...
Looking at the man in front of him, Chris knew the person that he was most mad at, still was himself. But if JC had done anything to hurt Joey, Chris would kill him. -So he was scared and you thought the best way to comfort him was by having sex? Chris knew it was a bad idea, but the words were out before he could stop them. -No, JC said, -it wasn't like I had it planned, Chris. It just happened. I can't change that. I don't know if I want to change that.
-I still can't believe you did that to him, Chris said. -Did you somehow miss out on what Joey's been through? I won't let you hurt him just `cos you can't keep it in your pants. Now JC had stood up, looking at Chris with an icy stare. -Don't go there, Chris, he said, his voice low in cold anger, -don't you dare go there. We all know who's the most to blame here. We all know what you did to Joey, Chris. You didn't think I had seriously forgotten about that, did you?
The hurt look on Chris' face and the sorrow in his eyes made JC feel bad, but he was too angry to stop now. -I love Joey, he said, -I love him with my heart and soul, every damn bit of me. I could never do anything to hurt him... Chris flinched visibly at the hidden accusation in JC's words. -But you can...was the words that was left unspoken. For a moment they stared at each other. -If you love him that much, Chris' voice was just a little over a whisper. -Why are you out here now? How do you think Joey will feel if he wakes up to find you gone, after what happened between you last night?
JC knew Chris was right. Why the hell was he doing here, instead of in bed with Joey? He knew the reason, he was afraid to face Joey. Afraid to face his reactions. If he had hurt Joey in any way, Chris didn't have to kill JC. JC would do it himself. Talking and laughter reached them from the door, interrupting their stare-down. Justin and Lance were on their way to the room.
Lance turned his eyes from Justin and saw Chris and JC. -Good morning, guys, he started, then seeing the way they looked at each other. JC a mix between anger, guilt and nervousness, Chris just looking incredibly hurt. -What is going on here? Lance asked slowly. Justin didn't say anything, just kept close to Lance.
Not letting Chris go with his eyes, JC answered: -Nothing. I'm going back to my room. He brushed past Chris, almost pushing the smaller man. Chris' dark eyes were a litle shiny, Lance almost thought he saw tears. -What's going on with you two? Lance asked. Chris shrugged. -Like he said, nothing... -Don't give me that! Lance was getting a little irritated. -We all know that you and JC has a lot of issues to work on, but we don't need to two of you fighting. Especially not now...
-Whatever, Chris answered. -I'm going back to my room... -No, you're not, Lance smiply stated, he had had it with Chris' attitude and him pratically running away everytime one of them got close to him. -You and I are going to talk, Chris. And we're going to talk now. Justin, will you give us a moment?
-Sure, Justin said. Lance was looking at Chris and missed the insecure, hurt look in Justin's eyes. Quickly Justin left the room, closing the door behind him. He didn't really know what made him feel so bad just now. True enough, he hated arguing, but that didn't hurt half as bad as the way Lance just brushed him off. Slowly walking down the hallway, Justin's mind was all on Lance. What exactly did he feel about him?
They were friends. But where did the line go between friends and what was beyond? Could friendship feel this intense, have you aching for a smile or a touch? Justin knew his feelings for Lance had changed along the way. Lance could always make him feel safe and loved, but now being protected wasn't enough for Justin anymore. When Lance had his arms around him, Justin couldn't help dreaming about Lance holding him in a different way, maybe even kissing him... With a deep sigh, Justin realised he was falling for his best friend.
Joey was still sleeping when JC got back. Feeling every little bit of the strong love he had for him, JC joined him in bed. Joey snuggled close to him, like he always did, and that made JC smile. Things would be allright. Sure there would be another barrier for them to cross later, but for now they were OK. Justin's word came to mind. True love conquers all...
Joey moved a little as he woke up. -Good morning, he murmured into JC's chest. -Good morning, love, JC answered, hugging him tight. -How are you feeling? -Great! the answer came, making them both giggle a little. Joey looked up at JC. -How about you? Smilingly JC kissed the tip of his nose. -Better than ever, and it's all your fault. With a happy sigh, Joey leaned against JC. -I can live with that, he said. -We have to talk, baby, JC's voice was almost apologizing. -I know, Joey told him, -but can't it wait? I just want to lay like this for a moment. -Of course, JC said, -we'll talk when you're ready, babe.
-Now talk, Lance said, still staring at Chris. -About what? Chris tried, but knew that this time he wouldn't get away. -What do you think? Lance answered. -After the night I told you about the revenge-plan for Jim, none of us can get close to you. Joey had to drag you along last night, and still you nearly disappeared on us. What the hell are you up too? -I did what we planned to do! Chris said, avoiding Lance's real question -I wasn't talking about Jim now, Lance came back. -But you're gonna have to tell me about that too. For some reason I don't think you quite followed our plan...
-Look, Chris said, -I just need some time on my own, OK? -No, it's not OK, Lance didn't give up. -Some alone-time, fair enough, but you acting like you're scared of us aren't. -I'm not afraid of you, Chris mumbled. Lance picked up on his words. -Then what are you afraid of, Chris? he asked, his voice genuinly concerned, it almost made Chris give in. He was so lonely, even though he had made it that way himself. -Me, he answered sadly, -I'm afraid of myself.
JC thought Joey had fallen asleep again. They were laying close together, just enjoying the other's warmth and company. Then Joey asked JC something. It wasn't that much of a question as a statement. -You are feeling bad about last night, aren't you? -Sort of, JC had to admit. -I don't feel bad about you and me, but I'm not sure that I didn't push you into something you didn't really want. -JC? Joey asked. -Were you actually here last night? You didn't push me into anything! I came on to you, I was the one that started it. And I wanted it, I wanted you. I still want you.
-And as for the other...thing, I'm glad we did it. It took away a lot of fears I had. Joey wasn't sure how to explain it. -It helped me set a distance, you know? Between the wrong way and the right...the way it's supposed to be. I thought what happened between Jim and me had destroyed those feelings in me forever, but you brought them back, honey. And it was fantastic, just as you said it would be... A great weight was lifted off JC's shoulder. -Thanks, he whispered into Joey's ear. -For being you, my absolute favourite teddybear...
Chris wished he hadn't said that. Now he would have to continue. -Look what I did to Joey and JC, he said to Lance. -I could have done something long ago, to get Joey away from Jim. But I didn't have the guts. Then I give them even more problems. That's why I stay away, becuse I don't want to destroy anything anymore. And you should be able to concentrate on you and Justin, so I decided that I'm the one who gets back at Jim. There's no need for both of us getting into that.
-How did he know about Justin and me? Lance thought confused. He took a closer look at Chris. His friend looked exhausted, Lance wondered when the last time he got a decent night's sleep was. -Come on, Chris, he said, -sit down with me. They both sat down in the sofa, facing each other. -You're punishing yourself for everything that went wrong, Lance started. -And it's not even your fault. Wait, let me finish... We all were there, Chris, we all saw that Joey wasn't doing good. And none of us did anything about it, because we didn't know what was going on.
He got away, and I know you were mad at him then. But that didn't last long, did it? We all thought everything was just fine until recently. And if it wasn't for you, Joey probably would have just told us about him being gay and let us all think that was what had been bothering him all along. Something was bound to give, and you was the one that made it happen.
That was the one thing Chris couldn't forgive himself for. It still came back to him in his dreams, haunting him. He could clearly remember how Joey had looked when he told him. And the way he had looked when Chris finally knew he was telling the truth. It was like a solid chunk of ice inside him, chilling him to the bone. So cold that it hurt. And he didn't know how to stop the feeling. making Jim pay for all the hurt he had caused Joey only soothed the pain for a moment. Chris wasn't just punishing Jim for what he had done, he was also punishing him for what Chris himself had done.
Everything was such a mess. Chris had no idea how to deal with all the pain, anger and guilt that kept building up inside of him. That's why he kept to himself, scared of what would happen the day he couldn't take it anymore. None of them knew how close he had come to really running away. They were better off without him there. He still believed that.
Lance watched Chris' face as he sat in deep throughts. It was obvious that Chris was in trouble, he was rapidly pushing himself towards a breakdown. And he wouldn't stop before he had hurt himself, firmly believing that he deserved it. -We're all allowed to make mistakes, Chris, Lance said softly. -And I think you have made more than amends for not believing in Joey when he told you. Joey's safe now, and in a relationship with someone who loves and respect him. You've gotta let it go.
-I can't, Chris said. -Every time I see him, I know what I did to him. He is supposed to be my best friend, how could I hurt him like that? -You didn't mean to, Lance answered, taking Chris' hand. -I know that, JC and Justin knows that. Joey knows that too. And I think you know that too... -I wish I could take it back, Chris said, staring at the floor. -I wish I could make it all go away. -So do I, Lance thought. -Remove all the hurting, all the tears and all the pain, but that can't be done...
-We all have to move on, Lance decided. -Otherwise this will destroy us. Think of it like this, the bad times are behind us now. We'll work on this and I do believe that we'll come out of it a lot stronger. -I hope so, Chris said, his voice was so low that Lance wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself. -Cause I don't know how much more I can take of this...
They sat in silence for a while, the atmosphere had shifted from tense to more relaxed. Chris noticed Lance looking curiously at him. -What? he asked, mustering a slight smile. -I was just wondering about the whole Jim-thing, Lance admitted. -What exactly did you do to him? The sudden cold, satisfied look in Chris' eyes scared him.
-I got two friends of mine to help me, he answered Lance's question. -After I told them what kinda guy Jim is, they were more than happy to help. -You didn't tell them about Joey? Lance had to ask. -Of course not! Chris said, -I just said he'd done it to a friend of mine, they don't know Joey. So...they tracked him down, and did what we planned. -And that would be? Lance pushed. -They locked him in the trunk of his car and drove him to a deserted place. -So far, so good, Lance thought. -Then they kinda beat him up just a little...Chris looked to Lance for his reaction.
-They were only supposed to scare him! Lance said. But he couldn't help thinking that Jim had gotten what was coming to him. One look at Chris told him that Chris hadn't told him everything yet. -What more? Lance asked. -Then they locked him back in the trunk of his car and left him there for a while, Chris said so fast that it took a second for Lance to process it.
Now Lance was actually getting a bit scared of Chris. He wasn't regretting at all what he had done, only that he had to tell Lance. -How long? he asked. -How long did they leave him in there for, Chris? -What is the big deal? Chris wanted to know. -He deserved everything Mike and Cole did, hell, he deserves even more! -How long, Lance asked again, right now he wouldn't be surprised if Chris told him that they hadn't let Jim out of the trunk still. -A couple of hours, Chris said. Lance gave him a look. -OK, so he was in there for about 24 hours...
Lance sat back in the sofa. -Christ...he got out. -You could have killed him, Chris. Chris merely looked up at him. -Would that be so bad? he asked, his voice calm and collected. Lance was running out of things to say, this cold, distant side of Chris had him feeling very uneasy. He knew it was Chris` way to protect himself and keep sane. When his thoughts was set on repaying Jim for what he had done to Joey, Chris didn't have to deal with all the bad feelings lurking just under the surface.
-Jim got what was coming for him, Chris stated. -And don't tell me that you don't agree with me. Lance didn't get to answer before they were interupted by a voice, filled with disbelief and anger. -What the hell did you two do?!?
Chris looked up, his brown eyes looked frightened at the silent figure at the door. -Oh my God, Lance said slowly. -Joey!