Legal disclaimer: this is fiction...you know the drill...don't read if it's illegal for you to do so.
Author's note: my first NSync-story... And the one that's my fave to write. Feedback always welcome at storykath@operamail.com
This story is for Mich and Dayse, for being great friends and also a big help when I'm stuck in my writing.
First chapter:
-Anywhere but here...Joey thought to himself. -I don't care if it's on the top of a erupting volcano, I'd rather be there than here... He knew that if he turned away from the window he would see his best friend Chris looking at him. Only that he wasn't sure if Chris were his best friend anymore, he wasn't even sure if Chris wanted to be his friend at all. Not anymore.
The last days had been pure hell to get through. Chris knew about Joey being gay and had promised to let him tell the other guys when Joey felt it was the right time. But Joey had been keeping a secret from Chris too, all the way up till three days ago. He could understand that Chris was hurt for Joey not telling him, but he couldn't understand the amount of anger coming from his friend. It had taken Joey a lot of nerve to tell Chris and when Chris exploded and started yelling at him, Joey was in a state of shock.
The story begun nearly exactly a year ago. Joey had been seeing this guy, who was a friend of Chris. Chris were the one who brought them together, and Joey and Jim looked like the perfect couple. They had been together for a long time, until the day came that Joey suddenly broke out of the relationship. Chris was dumbfounded, he never would have expected something like that from Joey, and were completely on Jim's side, who seemed to be devastated. Chris' anger grew when Joey couldn't explain why he had left Jim, the only answer anyone would get out of him was an `I don't wanna talk about it' and a pained expression in his brown eyes.
As time moved on, so did they. Jim disappeared out of their lives, Joey would start behaving normal again; well, normal for him anyway, and Chris would eventually forget just what he was mad at Joey for, just like he always did. Everything was fine, Joey had convinced himself, the past is gone and forgotten.
A small sigh escaped him as he remembered, the past was never dead, it was just lurking in the shadows. Just to come back and attack you when you were at your most vulnerable. Oh, he had moved on with his life. In the public eye no one could ever tell the difference before and after what had happened to him. He was the happy, wild and smiley Joey, the one they were expecting to see. For the guys he was their friend, striving so hard to not let the act slip and make them worry. To himself he were just a mess. After having spent six months in a nightmare, he kinda saw that coming.
It had been six new months now, and he was on his own. Being the outragous flirt that he was, Joey had a lot of people pass through his life. They all were gone again quickly, either because Joey lost interest or they came too close. Either way, Joey would suddenly not be anywhere to be found anymore and they would eventually take the hint and leave.
Joey couldn't stand the idea of being involved with someone again, he knew it was stupid to think that it would be the same as with Jim, but he just couldn't let it go. Being as busy as he was and since the boys and him rarely spent too much time in one place, it made it easy for him to make a clean break when he needed to.
But every once in a while somebody would come along who got to Joey, making him think of what could be, if only not... Those were the times he ran fastest, not sure what he was most scared of. Going back in the past, or his own feelings. Six months ago, at one of the darkest, most lonely times in his life, Joey had swore to never ever let himself fall in love again. The hurt just wasn't worth it.
Spending six months in a solitairy turmoil of emotions that didn't get their needed release wore Joey down pretty quick. His four closest friends were starting to pick up signs that told them not everything was OK with Joey, that he was hiding something from them. Something bad.
Chris being the closest to him would try to make him tell him. At that point Joey was about to tell Justin, Lance and JC that he was gay, just to get them off his case. But Chris already knew that, and also knew that Joey was dealing very well with it too. So it wouldn't work on him, besides Joey desperately felt the need to tell someone. Just speak the dreaded words aloud, making them appear outside his own head. Maybe forcing them out in the light, for others to see, would make them less menacing.
So one late night, Joey told Chris. He told him about being in an abusive relationship with someone he had thought he loved and who Chris looked on as a very good friend. And he told him about the rapes.
At first Chris had only sat there, looking at him. Disbelief in his eyes. Joey was so nervous that he thought he was going to throw up. -Please don't be mad at me, he said softly to the other man, -I couldn't stay with him. Chris didn't answer him, just stared at him, not showing any of the emotions Joey had hoped for. Instead his facial expression hardened. -I don't believe you, he said flatly.
Curling up in the recliner, Joey felt a sharp pain in his chest, talking about this brought back too many ghosts. The past had regained it's grip on him, so he was nearly anticipating Chris' words. It still hurt, though. -Jim couldn't have done that, Chris continued, disgust in his voice. -He loved you, Joey, you broke his heart when you dumped him. Don't you dare do this to him when he isn't here to defend himself.
Joey couldn't be more happy that Jim wasn't around anymore. But he couldn't defend himself either, he just curled up and went deep into his mind to the place he would always go whenever he felt threathened. If Chris treated him like this after Joey told him, than he guessed Jim had been right all along. He deserved it.
Chris looked at Joey trying to hide in the big chair, for an instance he nearly changed his mind. Something was clearly not right with Joey, it hadn't been for a long time. But he had to be lying about Jim, Chris knew Jim, he could never be so cruel to anyone. Especially not Joey, Jim had loved Joey.
The tension grew between the boys. Chris would have anger all over his face when seeing Joey and Joey would hide from him. The day after Joey had told Chris the truth about Jim and him, he came out to the three others. Three pairs of eyes were locked at him. Lance's eyes were light green, sparkling brightly, like his personality. He were the first to recover and ran over to Joey and hugged him tightly. -You'll always be my Joey, he said, smiling, -nothing's gonna change that.
For the first time in ages, Joey felt himself relaxing just a bit. Justin were next, his eyes a shade of clear blue. Joey had to smile when the younger man threw himself at him, hugging him breathless. Always the emotional one...
Joey looked up and met the crystal blue gaze of JC. -Please don't be mad at me, Joey whispered, the words were out of his mouth before he could think, as JC wasn't saying anything. JC closed the gap of space between them. Gently he ran his hand through Joey's hair and let it rest on his neck. -I could never be angry with you, Joe, he said warmly, -you'll always be my best friend. He embraced Joey, pulled him into a soothing hug that lasted longer than the other. Joey relaxed against JC, feeling a small tingle of exitement rush through his body accompanied with something new. He closed his eyes, wondering where he would run away to this time.
Chris hadn't said something at all. Joey quickly told them that Chris had known all along, he didn't want any questions about why Chris all of a sudden was treating him like a stranger. They knew about Chris' and Joey's longstanding friendship and accepted that.
His three friends' acceptance and support for him still couldn't wipe away the feelings that were eating away at Joey. He hated himself for not being able to trust them, but he knew what kinda person he was. How could anybody care for him? He had been told over and over again that he didn't deserve to be loved, that he wasn't worth it. Joey was rapidly entering a backwards spiral to the past, right back to the place he had escaped months ago. And it was slowly killing him.
And here he was, in a room of a hotel he hated, in a town he didn't even remember the name of, with his former friend who seemed to hate him. But hey, that's life, aint it? Joey was approaching the point where he would either turn away from the window or jump out of it.
He chose to turn around and met Chris' eyes. Now he was reconsidering his decision. -Please talk to me, Chris, he said, needing to clean away the anger from his friend's face. -Forget I ever told you, it was stupid of me... -Yeah, Joey, it was, Chris answered. -And no, I can't forget it, I never would have suspected you do to something that low, Joey.
Tears were forming in Joey's eyes. He had fooled himself all this time, he should have stayed with Jim. Jim knew him and knew he had to be punished for being bad. Why did Joey ever think that he would deserve something better? Unable to look Chris in the eyes anymore, he stared at the floor, tears falling heavily. -I know, he said, barely audible. Chris wasn't sure if Joey was talking to him or to himself. -I've been bad, I deserve this...
It wasn't exactly the words that set all of Chris' alarms off, it was the utter defeat in Joey's voice. And it didn't sound new either. -Joey, he started and moved over to the other man. Only to have Joey moving away from him hurridly.
Joey knew he had to be punished, but this was Chris. He couldn't take this, he couldn't take his oldest, dearest friend to be the one to punish him. Lost in a haze of guilt, fear and complete sadness Joey turned from Chris and ran out of the room. Chris was calling his name, Joey still ran. After this, he could never come back, he had to leave all this behind. The pain was back as he saw a familiar, loved face in his mind. His hands frantically tore the door open, he had to run, he had to get away.