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I have to admit that I was slightly upset when Luke told me that what had happened between us was a one-off thing, and that we both 'got lost in the moment', which is 'natural' because 'we are both horny teenagers.' It wasn't so much the rejection that upset me, but the fact that it wouldn't be happening regularly. I had had my first taste of sex and I was addicted.
I found myself masturbating more regularly, at least four times a day, and I had never been so sexually frustrated in my life. It was even worse when Luke would occasionally text me or IM me because nothing came of it and it ended up being just a normal conversation.
My only vice was my regularly viewings of my (I have to admit it) stunning father putting on a display of his sexy self in the bedroom every other night. I had disappointed myself in that I kept coming back for more even though I knew that he was seeing someone else. What disgusted me more was how I had still not confronted either of them about it - because then I knew that the sex show would be over, and I would have to go back to pornography, which is just nothing compared to the real thing.
I became more desperate when their nights of pleasure got more and more infrequent, and at one point, I was getting my fix of sex only once a fortnight.
Whilst this was going on, I began to consider my (best) friend Mike. We had always been close but I began to realize I had taken him for granted. He was always the one to follow me or text me, or even start a conversation. I knew that I had been avoiding him as a result of my own ego and I decided that I would rise above that. At the same time, I was in the final month of the final year of compulsory education and so potentially (I hadn't even asked Mike if he was going to stay on at the school) this would be my last chance to redeem myself.
Eating in the cafeteria with him one day, I actually felt nervous about asking him if he wanted to come round for dinner. We hadn't had a real conversation for so long that I didn't really know how to ask him, or what I would say. The words just fell out of my mouth.
'Err, Mike? How about we...err...hang out some time?' I asked, pausing after nearly every word.
Mike looked at me with shock, and then I swore I saw a slight smile in the corner of his mouth.
'Yeah that could be cool. Where were you thinking of?' He replied, trying to suppress his blatant happiness.
'My place, maybe. After school tomorrow? I got loads of new video games for my birthday. Wanna check them out?' I suggested.
'Sure, that sounds like fun. What do we have last period tomorrow?' He asked, rummaging through his backpack.
I already knew the answer, and knew how awkward the already awkward situation would become.
'Oh, we have Games' He said, slowly looking up at me.
Mike and I used to always be in the same team for Games, whatever sport, and no matter who else was in the group with us. However since I'd become so elitist by joining the county team, I rarely played with Mike, and I always felt bad that he got left with the non-sporty people, but that was just the way it went.
'We can go in the same team, it's no big deal.' I said, feeling the tension rise up between us.
'Oh, no, I wouldn't want to do that to you. It's totally fine, I'm used to being one of the losers now.' He said, his head hanging down.
My heart broke and I realized how much of a dick I'd been. If it had been the other way round, and Mike had treated me like that, I wouldn't have even listened to him. I didn't deserve a friend like Mike.
'Ah mate, I'm such a twat. I'm so sorry' I said, feeling ashamed in myself.
'No, no, it's fine. You did what you had to do.' He responded, not even looking up at me.
I felt so embarrassed and decided to put my hand on his shoulder. He instantly looked up at me with his puppy-dog eyes. I couldn't bear it.
'See you tomorrow then, mate. I'm looking forward to it.' I said, before putting my bag on my back and taking my tray to the bin. I was burning up inside.
I did genuinely like Mike, and so my ulterior motive for inviting him round make me feel even more like a selfish dick. Even before we were friends, there were always rumours that Mike was gay, and it didn't really bother me, because in a way I was his protection - nobody would approach him about it if I was around, and having a male friend definitely helped him to deny it. It was never something that we discussed, because I always felt like we didn't have to.
Anyway, my lack of sexual contact was literally driving me insane (and clearly also making me a horrible person), and I had a tiny suspicion that something could come of me and Mike spending some time together. I had never considered it properly, or even truly thought about what could actually happen. It was just something in the back of my mind and I knew I needed another sample to clarify my suspicions that I was bi, or even maybe full out gay. This was again something that had been buzzing around in the back of my mind for months, as a result of how crazy my life had become, ever since I first found my parents at it, and I knew that it was definitely a possibility, just not something I felt comfortable thinking about in too much detail.
It's not like I didn't enjoy the hand job from Jenna at the party, but it was nothing compared to how Luke made me feel inside.
After an uncomfortable Games lesson, where Mike quickly and clearly established he was with the loser crew, we made our way back to my house, which was empty, and spent a good hour or two playing video games. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but I knew that I would have to make my move sooner or later.
As I looked out my bedroom window, an idea occurred to me.
It was a boiling hot summer afternoon and I knew that somewhere in our garage was an inflatable pool. Whilst my parents would probably get back soon, I knew that we had at least another hour or two of alone time, and so I told him about the pool, offered to lend some swimming shorts, and within ten minutes we were both sat opposite each other in the warm July sun, in clear view of each other's tanned bodies.
I'd never really noticed Mike's torso before, but it was a shame as I'd clearly been missing out. He had no six pack or pecs, but his body was just the right size and weight that I imagined I might melt if I touched it. His slightly brown arms, legs and stomach were all lightly topped by blonde chest hair, which matched his bowl cut, and seeing his armpit hair sticking out made me want to lick it, for some bizarre and slightly disgusting reason.
As I looked at the scenic clock in the garden, I noticed it was half past 5, and I knew my parents would be home within 45 minutes, so I decided I would need to be proactive, and fast. I began my 'plan' with a splash, which he responded to and resulted in us wrestling together in the pool.
I then grabbed his smooth back with both my hands and wrapped my arms around his oily but soft body, as it became clear to the both of us that this was more than just friendly fighting.
I hadn't expected it to have been so easy, and I think I was lucky in knowing that he was definitely at least bi-curious, but his misty blue eyes met mine and we both knew what was happening as I slowly moved in for a kiss and he tentatively opened his mouth.
I melted as our tongues danced and his tender arms attached themselves to the back of my head, pulling me even closer to him. He tasted amazing and I found myself literally sucking and licking the inside of his mouth - it was pure bliss.
It is definitely a clich to say this but it is the only way to describe what happened - it felt like we were kissing forever and as we both gradually pulled away to gain a mutual understanding of what was happening, I lost all sense of time.
'My god' I sighed.
There's nothing better than releasing months of sexual tension and frustration by making out with an attractive person in the warm summer sun.
I twisted round and looked at the clock. It was 6pm, and whilst I knew it would be a close one, there was no way I was letting him leave without satisfying me completely.
It was as if he had read my mind because he ripped down my shorts and went straight for my fully erect cock. We moved in unison out of the pool and onto the sharp and thin grass. Within seconds his warm lips wrapped around my shaft and I was in sexual heaven. It felt incredibly natural and my only regret was the lack of time we had.
I remained in heaven as his head bobbed up and down and pleasured me more than I had ever been pleasured before. As my cock exploded in his mouth he swallowed it all and then climbed back up my body for another passionate and slightly sticky kiss, before we both realized my parents would be home. We decided that we needed to shower quickly, and together.
Mike was sensual as well as sexual with me in the shower and I think our lips only received one opportunity to part when he reached down to get the soap. I honestly felt that I could have stayed that way for a very long time but as I heard the door open, I shut off the shower and we jumped out, dried off, and changed clothes before I had time to give Mike a kiss goodbye.
Still in a daze at what had just happened, and how lucky I had been, I went downstairs where my mother had made dinner. I finished eating within a few minutes and excused myself before going upstairs and collapsing onto my bed, the same reaction I had had when Luke jacked me off.
It was certain; I was gay. And for once, I felt totally comfortable with all of my sexual desires and feelings.
Mike and I continued to see each other, quite regularly, during that July. It must have been after 2 weeks after that first encounter when I noticed that things were gradually getting closer and closer to actually having sex.
This was where I began to feel guilty again, because whilst I had the time of my life when Mike and I were actually together sexually, afterwards, I felt nothing, and I continuously found myself waiting for him to leave. I felt terrible because, without being arrogant, I could tell Mike really adored me, and he always had the most adorable twinkle in his eye whenever he saw me orgasm. The problem was, I wanted my first time to be special (another clich I know, I know) and I felt like it would be fun and satisfying with Mike, but nothing more than that.
I again repulsed myself at how greedy I was.
On the other hand, I still needed my sexual fix, especially since my parents seemed to have stopped their antics altogether. In fact, there were several nights where my dad didn't even come home, and I began to worry that maybe my mother knew. In fact I was more worried that she knew that I had known and not said anything.
I decided to tell Mike how I felt, knowing how horrible it would sound, but knowing that he was a kind and understanding person.
One morning, as Mike put his clothes on, just after we had both sucked each other off, I told him to come and sit next to me on the bed.
'Hey, Mike. I hate to say this but I feel like you are expecting this thing between us to go a bit further. And the problem I am having is I don't think I'm ready for that.'
Mike smiled at me and sighed.
'That's absolutely fine. I know that I am lucky to even be doing what we do now and so if you think I'm pushing you at all just let me know. I appreciate you telling me though Jake. I think our relationship will progress naturally.' He said, with the same cute grin on his face.
I felt even worse because a) he called it a relationship, and b) he is expecting it to eventually progress to sex, which I just don't see ever happening. I don't want to disappoint him though.
My mind was so conflicted but seeing him smiling there only made me want to love him more and our tongues met for another wet and slopping kiss before he said he would see me sometime during the holidays.
I lay down on the bed and debated on what to do. I couldn't just drop him, because that would crush him and I've treated him like shit enough. Plus I honestly don't think I could survive without doing stuff with him every week. But I knew that it would go nowhere and I would end up restricting him because I would always be looking for someone who makes me feel more than just horny. Someone who makes me feel connected to them.
I felt disgusted at how selfish I'd been. I used Mike and it had come back round to get me as I was left with a totally fucked up situation.
My mood was slightly lifted when I realized I was sitting on my phone and saw that I had three new messages.
The first was from my coach:
'Hey team. You've all be invited to attend the annual handball summer camp. I know a few of you went last year and I cannot encourage you to attend more. It is a great opportunity and I promise you will all come back better players. You better have good excuses if you can't go!'
This greatly lifted my spirits as I'd had such a good time at the camp before (can you believe that was a year ago?) and it was the perfect place to just relax and forget about my own twisted life.
The second message was from Luke:
'You got the invite? I think we are in the same cabins as before - see you there!'
That made me feel slightly awkward, but knowing Luke, he will probably just make conversation with me and continue to act like nothing happened.
The third message was really a gift for me. It was from Guy. The first contact since he kissed me at the party a few months ago. I still had his jacket. My hands were trembling as I opened the text.
'Sup. We should talk at camp. See ya.'
All kinds of emotions ran through my head. Was this a good thing? At least we made contact, and he is acknowledging what happened. But 'we should talk'? I was petrified and all of a sudden I began to consider not even going. Maybe I could fake an injury. Then I could spend the rest of the summer with Mike and perhaps sort out the situation with him. Once again, my head was on fire and I had no idea what to do.
The following evening, I walked into the door, home from work, and saw both my parents sat on the sofa. They turned to look at me as I entered and I saw my mother had mascara running down her face, and it looked like she had been crying, a lot. My dad carried huge bags under his eyes, and he looked incredibly tired.
'Hey, son. Your mother and I need to talk to you. We've noticed something has been happening for quite a while and we need to put a stop to it.' My dad mumbled, barely looking me in the eye.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
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