************* hidden desires 9 *************
I didn't really remember what I was thinking while I was sitting inside the cab. All I know was that I kept saying to myself that Stephen couldn't be interested in me. Not after all the stupid and rotten things I did to him. Besides, he's with Gary now. I don't see where I can fit in. And I don't think I could steal Stephen from Gary. I may be a lot of things but I'm not that kind of person.
It's ironic that as I was entering my apartment building, I couldn't help but wished that Stephen was straight. I wouldn't feel this bad about myself if he was. I could justify my attitude towards him if that was the case. I feel like killing myself for being the reason why Stephen wasn't with me tonight. If I hadn't been such a bitch and tried to be friendly with him I would have learned he was gay much earlier and then maybe we could have ended up together.
Fuck! I thought it was bad when I couldn't have Stephen because he was straight and interested in Sarah. It was doubly painful to know that I couldn't have him even though he was gay. This is all my fault!
I exited the elevator to my floor and began to walk towards my apartment. I was surprised to see someone sitting down against my door. I squinted my eyes and recognized Josh. He stood up as I walked up to him.
"Hey," I greeted him as I got my keys from my pocket.
"You fucking asshole!" Josh suddenly grabbed my collar and pushed me against my door. I was so surprised by his actions that I dropped my keys to the floor. I looked in his eyes and saw that he was really angry. I knew that the last time we saw each other, we got into a fight but I never realized that he was this angry.
"Wh-what is---" I began to stammer out. I was a little scared of him because I haven't seen him this angry before.
"You and Shawn went on a date today, didn't you!" He said with contempt and bitterness in his voice as he let go of him. "Don't bother to deny it. Someone saw the two of you having lunch together! You said nothing was going on between the two of you!"
"Josh, I---" I said calmly as I tried to reason out to him. This is kinda funny. A week ago, I was the one venting and raving and he was the voice of reason. Now our roles are reversed.
"What? You're in love with him, is that it?" Josh said as I saw tears fall from his eyes. But there was still a lot of bitterness and anger in his voice. "Why him Jason? Why Shawn of all people?!"
"Would you please listen---" I said a little louder this time but he interrupted me again.
"Why him Jason?!" Josh asked me again as he backed away. When his back was on the wall, he slid down to the floor. He began to sob uncontrollably. "Why not me? Why can't you love me like you love Shawn?"
For the second time that night, I felt my heart stopped beating. I stared at him and opened my mouth but my mind couldn't think of anything to say. Josh just continued to sob as I stared at him stupidly.
"Wh-what do you mean?" I asked him slowly as I knelt down in front of him. He looked up at me and I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. A very frightened look suddenly appeared on his face. He pushed me aside roughly as he stood up and ran away.
I was still in shock at what he said so the only thing I did was stare at him as he ran to the stairs. I didn't have the strength to even stand up for the next few minutes. What did he say? Did he just say the he wanted me to love him?
I finally picked myself up, got my keys and opened my apartment door. I walked inside and sat down on the couch heavily. Shit! What's going on here? First there was Stephen who I really like, love even. He made me feel things I haven't felt before. The first time I saw him, I saw fireworks. If that's not love, I don't know what is. I finally learned that he was gay only to find out that he was seeing someone already.
Now Josh! I had a thing for him before. I had a serious crush on him. But after years of pining for him, I finally was able to get over him and move on. I haven't even thought about Josh sexually for months now. Could it be that he's also interested in me all this time? But why doesn't that excite me? Josh is gay! Maybe something can happen between us. I had been interested in him before and it looks like he's interested in me too.
But he wasn't Stephen. When I first learned Stephen was gay, all sort of stupid things ran through my mind. But the emotion that stood out was anger. I was angry because I didn't find out sooner that he was gay. I was angry at myself for being so self-absorbed that I didn't even try to get to know him better.
All I felt for Josh was sympathy. I was really very concerned that he was crying and upset over Shawn and me. But nothing inside me was doing a triple somersault at the thought of something developing between us now that I know he might be interested in me too.
I sighed out deeply as I pushed everything that had happened tonight at the back of my mind. I still had that essay to finish. I stood up and went to my bedroom to get my notebook and some paper and pen.
"Are you alright?" Someone asked me softly. I was sitting at my seat, thinking about last night's events. I felt like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ride for the past few weeks.
"Yeah," I said automatically before looking up. I saw Sarah smiling down at me before she sat down on her seat next to mine.
"Stephen told me that he saw you at this party last night," Sarah said softly to me. I sighed out deeply and then faced her.
"Mike got engaged to his boyfriend," I said to her as I looked at her face. She seemed to be smiling at me slyly. That couldn't be good. "I pointed Mike out to you before when I showed you my yearbook, remember?"
"Stephen told me that you were flirting with Mary," Sarah told me to my surprise.
"I was flirting with Mary?" I repeated what she said as I laughed. "Where did he get a stupid idea like that?"
"So you're not flirting with her and nothing's going on between the two of you?" Sarah asked me in a serious tone.
"Of course not," I denied it vehemently. "You've met Mary already once, remember? She's just a very affectionate person. She like to touch other people while talking to them. And she likes to joke around."
"Stephen will be happy to hear that," Sarah said mysteriously.
"Wait a minute," I said to her as I looked into her deeply. " How come you never told me Stephen was gay?" I was trying to judge her reaction. If she's surprised then Stephen was lying and Sarah doesn't know anything about his homosexuality.
"You never asked," Sarah just gave a short, nervous laugh. "And you never really wanted to hear anything about him, remember?" I was about to defend myself when I saw Stephen coming down the aisle towards us.
"Good morning," Stephen greeted us happily as he sat down next to Sarah.
"You woke up at the right side of the bed," I said slowly. I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Gary and him must have fooled around a bit last night. "Did anything else happen last night at the party after I left?"
"I don't know," Stephen shrugged his shoulders. "I left a few minutes after you. I could ask Gary if you want."
"You left the party without Gary?" I couldn't help but be curious. "I thought you were his date last night."
"I left without him," Stephen smiled at me. "You and Shawn came together too and you left separately."
"But Shawn wasn't a date type thing," I laughed a little nervously.
"Neither was Gary," Stephen gave me one of his smiles. The professor showed up a little early this time so our conversation was cut short. We listened a little bored at the lecture.
"Jason?" Stephen said to me as we stood up and began to walk out of the auditorium. "Can I ask you a favor?"
"Sure," I nodded my head at him. "What is it?"
"You remember that report we have to do for our history class?" Stephen was looking a little flustered now. I just nodded my head at him and gave him a reassuring smile. "I have to report next week and I still can't understand half of the article I'm supposed to report on. Can you help me out?"
"Sure," I said and saw him relax a little. "Just give me a copy of the article tomorrow." I said my goodbye then as I rushed off to my next class which was on another building.
I saw Josh right after my last class. He was waiting for me outside the room. I stopped in my tracks as I saw him giving me a very nervous smile. I walked up to him slowly.
"Hey," Josh smiled at me nervously.
"Hey yourself," I smiled back at him.
"We need to talk Jason," Josh said to me softly.
"I know," I sighed out deeply at him.
"I'd love to buy you dinner tomorrow night if that's ok with you," Josh said hastily as he blushed deeply. I couldn't help but smile at him in amusement. He really looks cute when he blushes like that.
"I'm free tomorrow night," I nodded at him. "Where?" He gave me a name of a restaurant and a time before quickly leaving with a goodbye. I watched him walk away before I turned around and headed in the other direction. I decided to go to Stephen's dorm and get the article I'm supposed to help him out with. I was about to go inside the building when I bumped into Mark.
"Hey," I greeted him with a smile. "Is your roommate around?"
"Stephen?" Mark looked at me quizzically." He's got a class right now. How come you're looking for him? I thought you're angry at him or something."
"He asked me to help him out with his report in our History class," I explained to him. "I wanted to get a copy so I could read it tonight."
"I'll tell him that you're looking for him," Mark nodded his head. Then he looked at me warily. "He was telling me he bumped into you at his gay party thing he went to last night."
"The one who got engaged was an old high school friend of mine," I didn't let the smile disappear in my face. Did Stephen tell everybody I was at Mike's engagement party last night? "So, you knew about him?"
"You mean about him being gay?" Mark just laughed at me. "Of course. He told me the first week he moved in."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I said to him in frustration. "I was making all those wild accusations about him being interested in my cousin."
"It's not my secret to tell," Mark shrugged his shoulders at me. "Besides, he told me that he wanted to tell you personally about that. I just couldn't go around telling everyone that my roommate is gay, right?"
"You've got a point there," I accepted that explanation grudgingly. I said goodbye and left. I was still searching for some proof that this is just some sick joke Stephen was playing on me. I guess it was not.
I was flipping through the channels later that night when I heard the bell ringing. I got up and asked who it was. To my surprise, it was Stephen. I let him in and opened the door. What could he possibly want with me?
I waited for him by the door and he showed up a few minutes later. He was giving me this nervous smile as he stepped into my apartment. I closed the door behind him before facing him.
"Would you like some beer or some soda?" I offered him as we walked over to the couch.
"Beer," Stephen said to me. He sat down on the couch while I went to the kitchen and got a beer. I gave it to him and sat down on the couch a feet away from him.
"What brings you here?" I asked him slowly as I watched him drink his beer.
"Mark told me you stopped by the dorm earlier," Stephen explained to me as he gave me a folder. "Here's the article I'm supposed to report on."
"Ohhhh," I nodded my head in understanding as I opened it and read the first few sentences. I groaned out under my breath as I closed it and looked up at him. "This is a tough one."
"Your telling me," Stephen said with a laugh.
"If you want, we can start analyzing this right now," I said as I stood up. I went to my bedroom and got my History book and some papers and pens. I returned to the living room and as I was sitting down, I saw Stephen giving me a strange look. "What?"
"You don't waste time when it comes to school work, huh?" Stephen said to me dryly.
"Nope," I smiled back at him. "This is a tough one so we'd better start now." That's exactly what we did for the next two hours. We just did Stephen's History report. But I got to know more of Stephen because he couldn't help but tell me some stupid story about him. He even got me to tell him a few things about myself that I rarely tell anyone else.
After doing his report, he stayed to watch a movie playing on HBO. We were talking and laughing on the couch until it was midnight. It just felt so natural for me to talk with him. I felt really good spending time with Stephen. Now more than ever I knew I really felt something much deeper for this guy than anything I ever felt for anyone before. It's just too bad that he's spoken for already.
When the credits began to roll, I turned off the TV. That's when I heard a soft snoring sound coming from Stephen. I glanced at him and saw that he had his head on the armrest and was sleeping. I sighed out deeply and went to my bedroom and got a pillow and blanket.
I sat down besides him and watched him for a few seconds. I just couldn't believe that a nice handsome guy like Stephen could ever be interested in a bitter and angry guy like myself. I lifted his feet onto the couch and put the pillow on his head and covered his body with the blanket as I tucked him in.
"Wh-what's up?" He woke up groggily as he tried to sit up. I just pushed him back on the couch.
"Go back to sleep," I whispered to him softly.
"Thank you," Stephen said to me as he closed his eyes. There was this huge smile on his face. I watched him for a few more minutes before I went to my bedroom to sleep.
I opened my bedroom door and I heard bacon sizzling and the scent of coffee brewing hit my nostrils. I walked to the kitchen wearing my boxers and a shirt. I saw Stephen preparing breakfast. He was just putting a plate of bacon and eggs on the table.
"Good morning," Stephen greeted me warmly.
"Hey," I greeted him back before I yawned sleepily. I pulled out a chair and sat down. "I didn't know you can cook."
"There's still a lot of things you don't know about me," Stephen just gave me a grin. "Thanks for letting me crash on the couch last night. You should have just woke up and sent me back to the dorm."
"It was pretty late when the movie ended," I shrugged my shoulders. "Besides, I wouldn't have my own personal cook if I sent you home, would I?"
"I knew I was only being tolerated for my cooking skills," He laughed out at me. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. When I returned, Stephen was already finished. He was sitting there on the table and he sipped a cup of coffee.
I sat down besides him and we began to eat. He asked me what happened to the movie and I told him how it ended. I couldn't believe that I was talking to him like nothing had ever happened between us. Could he have forgotten the way I acted towards him already? He really seemed genuinely interested in talking to me.
I met Lisa and Mark that day for lunch. We were supposed to discuss the party we were going to have Saturday night for the Singles. It was going to be held at this bar in the city. I entered the cafeteria in the Student Center and saw the two were already there.
"Hey," I smiled at them as I pulled out a chair and joined them.
"This is kinda creepy," Lisa said as she looked at me keenly. "How come there's a huge smile plastered on your face all of a sudden? Are you the same guy who was brooding and scowling at everyone?"
"I had a terrific weekend," I said to her but the smile didn't leave my face. I just couldn't forget the way Stephen cooked breakfast for me. I know that it's probably just his way of saying thanks for crashing at my apartment but I can dream, can't I?
"Stephen said that he was going to your place last night but he didn't come back," Mark said to me warily, expecting me to blow up angrily at him.
"He slept at my place," I said simply to them as I looked at the counter. "What are they serving today?"
"You guys slept together?!" Lisa couldn't help but exclaim out.
"Don't tell me you also know that he's gay?" I looked at her sharply. "Am I the only one who didn't know about it?"
"Stephen's gay?" Lisa looked at me quizzically then at Mark. I saw Mark nodding at her affirmatively. Then the two looked back at me.
"No, we didn't sleep together," I said slowly but there was a smile of amusement in my face. "He slept on the couch. We did his report and we ended up watching this movie. He fell asleep on the couch."
"That's a relief," Lisa sighed out deeply. "For a moment there I thought you found someone to love and you'll leave the Singles."
"No wonder the three of us still haven't find anybody," I said jokingly. "Instead of praying that we find someone to love, we are praying for the opposite."
"If you want to date Stephen that's fine with us," Mark shrugged his shoulders. I stared at him open-mouthed. It wasn't what he said but the way he said that the surprised me. He was so serious when he spoke.
"You think I'm interested in guys?" I said slowly to him as I told myself to stay calm. My reflexes were telling me to get angry at him and walk away but I'm not going to let anything spoil this day for me. The man of my dreams cooked breakfast for me! This is the happiest day of my life. Nothing's going to ruin it.
"Ummm," Mark looked at me uncomfortably. "No......I mean-uhhhhh......"
"You think I'm gay?" I asked him in a more calm manner.
"There are times when we think you might be gay," Lisa said to me slowly.
"And the rest of the time you think I'm straight?" I replied back sarcastically. "Thanks a lot guys."
"Don't be angry," Mark said to me hastily. "We don't really know what to think. You don't go out with girls."
"And I go out with guys?" I said to him dryly.
"No!" Mark said to me automatically.
"The truth is we don't know if you are gay or not," Lisa explained to me in slowly.
"I'll go get some lunch while you guys to make up your mind whether to place me in the hetero world or not," I said to them sarcastically as I stood up. I went to the counter and got myself some soup, a sandwich and a macaroni salad. I returned to the table and saw Mark and Lisa looking at me apologetically.
"We're sorry Jason," Mark said to me quickly as I sat down.
"Let's just forget it," I sighed out deeply. "It doesn't really matter what you guys think. Besides, being a lonely gay guy is just as bad as being a straight lonely guy."
"So does this mean you're not interested in Stephen?" Mark asked me again warily.
"Ok," I said as I stared deep in his eyes. "What does that suppose to mean?"
"It means that if you want to go out on a date with Stephen, I could probably just might set something up," Mark gave me a weak grin. "With us being roommates and all."
"Isn't he seeing Gary?" I couldn't help but ask.
"As far as I know he's not seeing anyone," Mark shook his head. "That's what he told me yesterday. He was asking me if you're available and-"
"What?!" I looked at him in shock. "He's asking you about me?!"
"Shit!" Mark said as he became pale white. He lowered his eyes to avoid looking into mine.
"Mark!" I hissed out at him. "What have you been telling your roommate about me?!"
"Uhhhhh," Mark looked up and I saw that he looked at me timidly. "I might have told him that you could be interested in guys."
"Fuck!" I cursed out loudly as I stared at him in disbelief.
"Sorry," Mark said to me slowly.
"Why did you do something like that?" I asked him as I kept my anger in check.
"He was always asking me all this stupid questions about you," Mark sighed out deeply. "Asking me if you have a girlfriend or if you were seeing anyone or what your type is. You get the idea. I just blurted out to him that you were still looking for Mr. Right."
"I don't know whether to kill you or just laugh," I said to him honestly.
"Stephen really likes you Jason," Mark said to me to my surprise.
"Huh?" I still couldn't accept that fact even though there were a lot of things telling me that it was true. Why else would he have put up with my attitude?
"It's pretty obvious," Mark said to me as he looked at my face. "You haven't noticed it before?"
"Why should I notice it?" I laughed out nervously. "I don't go around and putting meaning into all the actions of people. I thought he was really just a very nosy person."
"We're all nosy when it comes to the affairs of the one we love," Lisa said to me softly. I stared at her in shock.
"And when did you become a philosopher?" I asked her sarcastically.
"The exact moment when your lovelife picked up considerably," Lisa laughed out at me. "I'll miss you at the Singles."
"Could we just go on with our stupid meeting?" I muttered out to them.
"You won't tell Stephen that I told you about him asking me a lot of question about you, will you?" Mark asked me slowly.
"Like I could go up to him and say 'Hey Stephen, your roommate told me you have a crush on me? What's the deal with that?'" I said to him dryly. Fortunately for me, Lisa started to discuss the party then. The three of us conveniently forgot the whole Stephen thing.
"Hey," I heard a familiar voice behind me. I turned around and saw Sarah and Stephen smiling at me. I was at the bus stop, waiting for a bus. I was going back to my apartment to take a shower and change before meeting Josh at the restaurant for dinner.
"Hey yourself," I grinned at Stephen and Sarah.
"We were walking back to the dorm but we say you standing here and Stephen insisted that we say hello," Sarah said to me as she elbowed Stephen. I saw Stephen blushing a little.
"I'm happy to see you guys too," I gave them a smile.
"Stephen told me he spent the night with you," Sarah looked at me slyly.
"Sarah!" Stephen said as he elbowed my cousin. Then he looked at me as his face became flushed. "Sorry."
"For what?" I was amazed I was this calm. "You did sleep at my apartment, remember?"
"Here comes Josh," Sarah said to us as she nodded behind me. I turned around and saw Josh waving at me. He crossed the street and ran up to us. He was giving me this huge smile that I found a little creepy
"Hey!" Josh nodded at Sarah and Stephen as he came to a stop besides me. To my surprise, he put an arm around my waist and pulled me close. I turned to face him but he just planted a quick kiss on my lips! "I hope you are ready for our date tonight,"
The only thing on my mind then was Stephen. I turned to face him but I saw that he was staring at Josh and me open-mouthed. He lost the color on his face and I swear I could see his knuckles turning white.
************ To be continued ************
Note: I hope I can get part 10 posted as soon as possible. It's going to be the last part of the story. Of course I might get a little lazy and break it down into two parts so the story might run up to part 11 and not part 10 like I wanted. But I am going to end the story.
Email: sliders21@iname.com