*************** hidden desires - 8 ***************
I couldn't believe my eyes. Stephen was holding hands with Gary! My whole world literally stopped and I doubted every thing I ever believed in. What the hell was he doing here of all places and holding hands with Gary no less!
"Are you alright?" Mary asked me bewilderingly. She looked at the door to see what grabbed my attention.
"Yeah," I said as I faced her. I had troubling breathing and my lungs felt like it had collapsed. I looked back at the door again. This time my eyes met Stephen's. I saw the shock in his face as he let go of Gary's hands. His face became pale white.
"Who's the gorgeous guy?" Shelley asked me quizzically as she put an arm around my waist. She leaned towards my ear and whispered, "Your ex?"
"Shut up," I said to her half-in-amusement, half-in-irritation.
"Isn't he one of Sarah's suitors?" Mary asked me quizzically. I faced her and gave her a puzzled look. She explained to me that she had seen them a couple of times eating lunch or having snacks in the campus.
"So he's straight?" Shelley asked me as she moved away slightly.
"That's what I thought," I nodded my head at her before looking back at Stephen and Gary. Gary had seen me by now and he excused himself from Mike and grabbed Stephen's hands and walked towards me.
"Jason!" Gary greeted me and gave me a smile. "Fancy meeting you here. I didn't knew you were Mike's friend."
"Hey," I stood up and gave a lame smile. "I knew Mike since we were kids. We went to the same high school. By the way, I'd like you to meet a couple of our other high school friends, Shelley and Mary. This is Gary and Stephen." Mary and Shelley stood up and greeted them hello.
"You guys are dating?" Mary asked them curiously. I saw Stephen blush deeply as Gary let go of Stephen's hand. Gary just gave us a laugh.
"Mary!" I hissed at her before facing Stephen and Gary again.
"I just wanted to know who's straight and who's gay in this place, ok?" Mary grumbled out to me.
"It's ok Jason," Gary laughed out to me. "It's not really a big secret that I'm gay, right?"
"And what about your friend?" Mary said to him before I can stop her.
"Why don't you ask him?" Gary said to her as he glanced around the room. I looked at Gary quizzically because he suddenly lost his smile. I glanced at the direction he was looking at and saw Shawn still deep in conversation with some guys.
"Uhhhhh," Stephen cleared his throat first. I faced him and saw that he was looking at me nervously. I avoided his eyes and just looked at the floor. I didn't really want to hear what he was going to say.
If he was gay then there's no way he would want me considering the way he treated me. And I'm not really sure if I wanted to pursue something serious at this point in my life. And if he wasn't gay then I'll know that I was right and that I'm better off forgetting my feelings for him.
"So?" Mary said a little impatiently.
"Mary!" I looked up at her and chided her. "That's not something you just ask like that."
"We're in an engagement party for two guys, remember?" Mary said to me sarcastically. "Most of the people in this room are gay. Like it's any surprise if he'll say yes." Then she looked back at Stephen and gave him a smile.. "Though I really want him to say no."
"I'm...sorry to disappoint you," Stephen said in a very soft voice. I looked at him sharply. Suspecting that he was gay was one thing but hearing it actually being said by him was really very surprising. "I'm as gay as Mike or Gary."
"Damn!" Mary muttered out again. Then she gave Stephen a very sweet smile. "And I really thought you were cute. I was very envious of Sarah when I saw the two of you at the cafeteria at the Math building one time. Guess I'm stuck with Jason for the night." She grabbed my arms just then. "Come on Jason and we'll get a drink for everyone."
I looked at Stephen for a second before walking with Mary towards the kitchen. We got five glasses of wine. As we were pouring our drinks, I saw Mary giving me a curious look.
"You didn't know he was gay?" Mary asked me point-blank.
"No," I said slowly. "I thought he was courting Sarah or something." We went back to the others and handed them our drinks. I glanced at Shawn's direction again and saw that he was not with the group of guys he was talking to earlier.
"Excuse me," I said to them before going over to Shawn's friends. I was really worried about him considering his ex was here. And I wanted to be alone for a while, away from Stephen. I am supposed to be happy that he's gay and I might get a chance with him? With the way I treated him, I blew away my chances the first day we talked. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't have anything to do with me.
I asked the guys where Shawn was and they told me that he went outside to the balcony. I made my way to the balcony and saw him in a corner, leaning over the ledge. I walked up besides him.
"You saw Gary already?" I said to him and I leaned forward and breathed the night air.
"Yeah," Shawn said to me. I could detect some sadness in his voice. "I thought I was over him. I guess I'm not."
"I'm sorry for asking you to come to the party with me." I faced him and gave him a weak smile. " I really didn't know you knew Mike or that Gary will be here."
"It's ok," Shawn sighed out deeply as he turned around and leaned against the ledge. "I just couldn't believe that he's over me already. I really thought we had something special but I guess I was the only one thinking that. Why else would he be dating Stephen?" He said the last line a little bitterly.
"You know Stephen's gay?" I looked at him in surprise.
"No," Shawn shook his head at me. "But why else would they be holding hands?" Then he looked at me sharply. He became beet-red. "I.I'm sorry. I.I forgot that you love---"
"Shhhh!" I said, cutting him off. "Don't say that to anyone else! Especially to Stephen!"
"But now that we know he's gay, maybe you guys can----" Shawn said as he looked at me bewilderingly.
"He's with Gary now and I can't just say to him that I'm gay and expect him to drop Gary and be with me," I said as I hung my head in shame. "Not after all the rotten things I did to him."
"You're not going to go in some bar and get drunk again, are you?" Shawn said to me as he tried to lighten up the mood. Mary then walked out into the balcony and told us that there was going to be a toast for the happy couple.
"Like I really need to see some happy couple right now," I muttered out to Shawn in a sarcastic voice as we walked back into the apartment.
"If they'll start to say sweet nothings towards each other, I swear that someone's going to get hurt," Shawn said to me in the same tone. I saw Mary and Shelley was still with Stephen though Gary was with a group of guys a little farther away. Shawn and I walked up to the three.
"I'll just get a glass," Shawn said to me as he went over to the kitchen. Mary gave me my glass back. Mike started to say something and we just listened for the next few minutes.
"What did Cliff do to our na‹ve, innocent, shy Michael?" I whispered to Shelley as Mike was talking about love and happiness and finding his one true love.
"I know," Shelley said to me in a giggle. "You remember when he couldn't even remember that poem by Poe and he got an F in English?"
"I wonder when I'll be in love like that, " Mary sighed out deeply as she grabbed my arm again. " I want a man Jason!"
"We'll go shopping tomorrow honey," I whispered back to her. Shelley and I giggled at my corny joke just as Shawn joined us. Mike just finished his speech and Cliff stepped up and began to speak.
"Great!" Shawn muttered out to us. "I thought I was spared already but I guess not." We listened silently to the rest of Cliff's speech. Then the toast came and the two actually kissed in front all of us. We all knew the party was ending.
"Mike gets to kiss a cute guy and I don't?" Mary pouted a little.
"If you really want to get a date that badly, you should start hanging out with straight guys," Shelley laughed out at her.
"Maybe we could all get together again sometime soon," I nodded my head at what Shelley said. "We could go out and hit some clubs."
"I'd like that," Mary smiled at me. "I'll call up some of the guys and see who can come with us."
"We'd better go now," Shelley said to her friend as she looked at her clock. " I still have an exam tomorrow, remember?"
"We'll just say goodbye to the two lovebirds," Mary laughed out as she and Shelley left Stephen, Shawn and me alone.
"I'd better go home now too," Shawn sighed out deeply. "I have an early class."
"Let's say goodbye to---" I began to say but Shawn interrupted me.
"I'd like to walk home if you don't mind," Shawn smiled at me weakly. "You stay here and enjoy the rest of the party. I'm sure you and Mike still have lots of things to talk about, right?"
"I understand," I gave him a smile back. I watched him go towards Mike before facing Stephen. He was giving me a puzzled look but when he saw I was staring at him he blushed deeply and lowered his eyes.
"You and Shawn came here together?" Stephen asked me rather shyly.
"Yeah," I laughed out nervously. "I asked him to help me buy some nice present. I really didn't know why what to get Mike and Cliff. This is my first engagement party." I figured that wasn't really lying since that was one of my reasons.
"Ohhh," Stephen said in a disappointed voice. Mike, Shelley and Mary all came back to say goodbye to us. I hugged all of them and escorted them to the door. Then I returned to Stephen on the couch. We both sat down. We were silent for a few seconds, not sure how to start a conversation with one another.
"You know what this means, right?" I laughed at him nervously. "You're not eligible to be with the Singles anymore considering that you and Gary are dating."
"Gary and I are not dating!" Stephen denied it hastily and forcefully then he blushed deeply when I gave him a puzzled look. "He just asked me if I wanted to go to an engagement party a friend of his was throwing. I didn't have anything else better to do today since you said you couldn't hang out with me and Sarah today."
"Sarah knows about you being.uhhhh." It was my turn to blush.
"Yeah," Stephen nodded his head at me.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him slowly.
"I would have except that I everytime I open my mouth, you just yell out to me," Stephen gave me a weak smile.
"Sorry about that," I said in a very soft voice. "I thought you just wanted to be friends with me to get my cousin in bed."
"That's one thing I still couldn't understand," Stephen said to me in a serious tone. "Why did you think I was after Sarah?"
"Everytime I see you, you were with her," I said slowly as I thought about my answer carefully.
"She's an interesting girl but as you probably guess by now, I'm not really interested in girls," Stephen grinned at me goofily.
"Shit!" I said as I stood up. I looked at him apologetically, "I have to go now. I forgot I was supposed to submit this essay tomorrow and I don't even have a title yet."
"I...I'll go---" Stephen stood up.
"Thanks but you came here with Gary, right?" I gave him a smile to tell him it was ok. I excused myself and went to Mike to say goodbye. I found him in the kitchen, washing some glasses.
"Hey," I said as I walked up besides him. "I'll go home now. Thanks again for inviting me."
"No problem," Mike said as he washed his hands and dried it before facing me. He was giving me a very irritating smile. "Do I detect romance in the air?"
"Huh?" I looked at him quizzically.
"Stephen!" Mike said aloud exasperatedly. "The guy obviously has the hots for you!"
"Yeah right," I just laughed at what he said. "I didn't even know he was gay until tonight."
"He had been asking me about you," Mike said to me slyly. "He was asking why I invited you over and if you brought any dates with you. The guy wasn't that subtle."
"You didn't tell him that.." I trailed off as I looked at him worriedly.
"Relax," Mike said to me reassuringly. "Your secret was safe with me. I told him that we were friends back in high school. And I made some excuse about Shawn being a friend also that's why you guys came together. But I made it clear he wasn't your date."
"Thanks," I sighed out in relief as I gave him a hug.
"You know that if you really want to be happy you have to come out and trust someone," Mike said to me mysteriously as I let go of him.
"Huh?" I lost him again.
"There's really no reason for you to hide your sexuality from anyone," Mike said to me as he faced the glasses again. "There's no way you could justify the bitterness and pain you inflict on yourself and to others just to live up to what others think you should be."
"I.I'll remember that," I said slowly as I stared at the back of his head for a while. "Bye. Mary said we should go out sometime and hit the clubs. We'll just call you up when we talked with the other guys." I walked back to the living room. Stephen was still sitting on the couch, watching some boring movie.
"Hey," I walked up to him and he stood up. I gave him a warm smile. "Bye. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, tomorrow," Stephen smiled back at me. To my surprise, he walked me up to the elevator. As I was riding the elevator down to first floor, Mike's voice filled my head. He said that Stephen had the hots for me, right? He was just mistaken. Stephen's with Gary now and I have to accept. But there was something inside me that was doing a triple somersault at what Mike said. Could there be a possibility for me Stephen to be together?
******** to be continued: ********
note: This is the first time I ended a chapter on a positive note. But like they say, there's always a calm before the storm right? The next two chapters will definitely be the last. I hope you stick with me until the end.
Email me any of your comments: sliders21@iname.com