Hidden Desires - 7
I flipped a coin into the fountain at Central Park. I didn't really know what I wished for. A lot of things were going in my mind that I didn't know what I was thinking of that moment. I didn't even know what I was supposed to feel. I finally opened up to someone and tell him I was gay even though the reason was that I got so drunk that I came on to him.
Fortunately for me, Shawn was a very understanding guy. He never pushed me or pressured me into coming out to him. He let me do it myself. He was even decent enough not to talk about me coming on to him last night. But the thing I couldn't believe was that I told him that I was in love with Stephen!
"The other reason is that you're in love with Stephen, right?" Shawn said to me softly.
I just stared at him in shock, not sure what to say. How did he know that? I opened my mouth but no words came out. I felt blood rushing to my face as I avoided his eyes. Him knowing my homosexuality was bad enough, did he have to know about this also?
"You don't have to be embarrassed about anything," Shawn gave me a reassuring smile. "You basically told me how you felt about Stephen last night."
"I.........I did?" I asked him shyly as I looked at his face.
"You were kissing me and touching me all over," Shawn grinned at me. "You even told me that you loved me. For a while I thought you really meant it but then you started calling me Stephen."
"Ohhhhhh," I said to him as I blushed deeply.
"We would have ended in bed together if you hadn't said Stephen's name," Shawn just laughed uneasily. "You know that I'm attracted to you, right?"
"I----" I started to say to him but he interrupted me.
"You don't have to say anything," Shawn said to me as he took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "Now that I know you're head over heels in love with another guy, I'm not that attracted to you anymore. But I still think you're cute."
"This is kinda uncomfortable," I laughed at him nervously. "I never imagined coming out like this to another guy."
"It must have been really hard for you hiding in the closet all this time, huh?" Shawn nodded his head at him. "You don't know how nervous I was with all those guys at the frat house. I almost went insane in there. Maybe that was the reason why I came out. I didn't really feel that comfortable with them or with myself hiding something like that."
"Shawn, could you keep----" I asked him warily but he interrupted him again.
"You're secret is safe with me," Shawn pulled back his hand and gave me a smile. "I won't tell anyone that you're gay unless they already know. But by the looks of things, I'm the first one you have told, right?"
"Yeah," I gave him a weak smile as I stood up. "I don't want to seem rude but I have to go now. I really need some time to think about this." I excused myself and went back to the bedroom and put on my jeans and got my things and went back to the kitchen.
"If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm right here," Shawn said to me as he stood up. He showed me to the door. I gave him a hug before I left. I went to a diner a few blocks away and ordered some coffee. I must have been there for a couple of hours before I decide to walk around a bit.
That's how I ended up in Central Park. I couldn't believe that my mind was still not clear on what to do. I decided to take a break from all this thinking and went to have lunch. I just had a hotdog and soda before going back to my apartment.
The answering machine was blinking. I checked my messages. One was from mom, asking me how I was. The second was from Sarah asking if I wanted to do something later. The third was from Stephen.
I sat down on the couch heavily as I heard his voice. He was asking if I was okay since I acted so strange last night. I smiled to myself when he said that he hoped that I wasn't angry at him again.
I got up and went to take a shower and changed my clothes. I got my car keys and went down to the basement parking. I wanted to get out of the city for a while. If I knew Sarah, she'll be badgering about getting together with her tonight. The part that I was afraid of was that she'll bring Stephen along.
I drove out of the city and into my old town. I cruised around a bit until I stopped in front of a pizza parlor where I used to hang out with my schoolmates. I parked the car and went inside. I sat down in my favorite booth and ordered a large slice of pizza and some coke.
I was just finishing my pizza when a couple of guys entered. I looked up and noticed that they were a little familiar. The shorter one glanced at my direction and saw me staring at them. He smiled at me and lead his friend to my direction. I just watched them silently.
"Jason, right?" The shorter one said to me.
"Mike?" I stood up and offered my hand. "We used to be classmates back in high school, right?"
"Yeah," Mike said to me as he shook my hand. "Mind if we sit down with you? You remember Cliff? "
"Weren't you a year ahead of us?" I nodded my head as I looked at Cliff. He just nodded his head as I sat down. They sat down opposite me as I pushed the pizza I was eating aside. "So, how are you guys?"
"I already graduated last year," Cliff said to me. "Mike's in NYU and will be graduating in a few months." They looked at each other for a second. I saw Cliff nod his head at Mike before Mike faced me again.
"Are you free tomorrow night?" Mike asked me slowly.
"Yeah," I said to him slowly. "Why?"
"Cliff and I are throwing this party at his apartment and we'd like you to come," Mike said slowly.
"Cool," I smiled at him as I grabbed my coke. "What's the occasion?"
"We're getting engaged," Cliff said to me as he placed his hand on top of Mike's and gave it a squeeze. I almost dropped the soda I was holding from shock.
"What?!" I looked at them incredulously.
"Ummmm," Mike looked at me a little uncomfortably. "Cliff's my boyfriend." I couldn't speak for the next few seconds and they took this as a sign of disgust.
"We'd better leave," Cliff sighed out as he stood up.
"Wait," I spoke up quickly and forced a smile. "I....I'd love to come."
"You don't have to pretend you're ok with this," Mike sighed out as Cliff sat back down. "We've been in touch with some of our classmates and most of them doesn't understand."
"I'm sorry if I offended you," I said hastily. "I just didn't expect you guys to say that. It's really cool. I mean, I don't object if you guys are in love and want to get married. I didn't even know two guys can get married."
"It's not legally binding like heterosexual marriage but there are some churches that allow same sex marriages," Cliff said to me. "We get the ceremony and everything but not the license."
"You don't have to come to the party," Mike said to me slowly.
"Just tell me where and when and I'll be there," I said to them. I wanted to tell them I was gay also but I figured I'll just do it later. "I can bring a date, right?"
"Of course," Cliff smiled at me. He then told me his address and what time the party will start.
"How did you guys start dating anyway?" I asked them curiously. "Don't tell me you were an item back in high school!"
"No," Mike laughed at me. I saw him relax a little when he saw that I wasn't uneasy with their situation anymore. "Cliff here was studying at NYU too and we met each other at a QC party."
"I see," I couldn't help but laugh out.
"What's funny?" Cliff looked at me quizzically.
"I'm a member of this singles group also at Columbia but I'm not as lucky as the two of you," I smiled at him.
"You've never really dated back in high school Jason," Mike said slowly. "As far as I remember, you only went out with this girl every now and then but you never had a girlfriend, right?"
"No," I shook my head at him. "But enough about my lovelife. You told me you've been in contact with some of our classmates, right? How are they? I've really just kept in contact with the guys who attend Columbia."
We talked about our old schoolmates and friends for the next two hours before they left. I went to a payphone and dialed Shawn's number. Fortunately, he was at his apartment.
"Hey," I said to him. "It's me, Jason."
"Hey," Shawn replied back. "How are you?"
"Pretty good," I said to him. "Thanks for what you did last night. I really appreciate it."
"Don't mention it," Shawn said to me. "You were pretty nice to me too, remember and defended me from Josh." I paused then and breathed in deeply.
"I was wondering if you'd want to go to a party with me tomorrow night," I asked him hastily.
"What?" Shawn sounded very surprised.
"A friend of mine is getting engaged," I expalined to him. "He's getting engaged to his boyfriend and they asked me to come to the party they're throwing."
"He's gay?" Shawn asked me and I said yes. "Does he know about you?"
"No," I laughed out uneasily. "That's the reason why I wanted to ask you. I really need to say thanks for being a friend to me last night and I figured that you'll be the only person I'll be comfortable with considering you know almost all my secrets. Besides, you might meet someone in the party and fall in love."
"You're not setting me up with someone, are you?" Shawn groaned out.
"My lovelife's a mess and I don't think I could meddle in other people's lovelife at this point," I said to him jokingly. "Besides, I need your help in picking out a nice engagement gift. I don't really know that much about gay relationships. You're the expert."
"Ok," Shawn sighed out deeply. "But I don't put out on the first date."
"I'll remember that," I laughed out at him. "Maybe we could meet for lunch and see a movie before going to the party. Is that ok?"
"Sounds great," Shawn said to him. We made the necessary arrangements before hanging up.
I got home around 10:30 and noticed that the answering machine was blinking again. I went to get it and it was Sarah asking me where I was and to call her immediately.
I ignored the message and went to the kitchen. There was till one slice of chocolate fudge cake left. I got it and went back to the couch and watched some old movie while eating the cake. The phone rung some time later and I picked it up absentmindedly.
"Hello?" I said into the mouthpiece.
"Jason?" A familiar voice asked me.
"Stephen?" I sat up straight and put the plate down on the coffeetable.
"Hey!" Stephen greeted me happily. "You're back."
"I went to see some old friends at my old town," I said slowly. There was a pause then as both of us didn't know what to say next. "So, what can I do for you?" I asked him slowly.
"Sarah wanted to know if you'd like to have lunch with us tomorrow," Stephen said to me warily.
"Ummm," I remembered my plans with Shawn. "Thanks for the offer but I have some other plans tomorrow. Maybe some other time."
"Ohhhh," Stephen sounded disappointed. "I guess we'll meet each other on Monday then."
"Monday," I echoed his voice. He said goodbye and I hang up. I was kinda getting used to Stephen by now. I grabbed the cake again and began to stuff my face with it. I really didn't know what I want. I wanted to be happy and everything and the only way that could happen was if I find a man I could love and he'll love me the same way. On the other hand, I knew I was very afraid to come out. What was I supposed to do?
"Hey," I greeted Mike when he opened the door. Shawn was standing besides me uncomfortably.
"Hey," Mike greeted me back. He motioned us to come in and Shawn and I walked in the spacious apartment.
"Congratulations," I said as I gave him my engagement gift. "Where's the blushing bride-to-be so to speak?"
"He's mingling with the guest," Mike laughed out as he set the gift on a table besides the door.
"By the way," I gestured to Shawn. "This is a friend of mine from Columbia, Shawn. Shawn, this is Mike, my former schoolmate."
"Actually we meet a couple of times already," Mike said as he shook Shawn's hand.
"Yeah," Shawn nodded his head as he eyed me uncomfortably. "He was introduced to me by Gary when we met at a bar a few months ago."
"Excuse us," Mike said to Shawn as he took my arm. "Feel free to mingle around." Mike dragged me to a corner and gave me a very serious look.
"You know that Shawn's gay, right?" Mike hissed at me as he looked over my shoulder.
"Yeah," I smiled at him. "You said I could bring a date, right?"
"Shawn's your date?!" Mike said the very obvious truth loudly.
"In manner of speaking," I nodded my head.
"You mean your gay?!" Mike's jaws dropped in shock.
"Sort of," I laughed out uneasily. Mike looked at me silently for a while. I didn't know what he was thinking about but I saw that he looked a little miffed.
"Why didn't you tell me?!" Mike sounded a little irritated.
"You didn't ask," I said to him as I looked around the room. There were about thirty people in the living room. "So, all of them are gay too?"
"Most of them," Mike said to me. "There are a few people who's straight. But forget about them, tell me about you! When did you come out?"
"I'm not exactly out," I said to him a little nervously. "Only Shawn really knows about me being gay. Now you."
"I thought Shawn was seeing Gary," Mike said to me slowly.
"They already broke up some months back," I said to him. "Hey, you should mingle with the guests. Don't worry about me."
"If you need anything just approach me, ok?" Mike said to me before going into the kitchen. He must be going to Cliff and tell him about me. I glanced around and saw a few familiar faces back from the high school days and Columbia. I approached them slowly.
"Mary," I said to a girl sitting down on the couch. She was talking to another girl. "Shelley. Hi!"
"Jason!" Mary stood up and gave me a hug. Shelley also stood up and I hugged her. We all sat back down on the couch.
"It's nice to meet someone straight in this place tonight," Mary laughed at her own joke. "It's bad enough there are about only two straight guys here but I have to compete with about thirty guys for their attention!"
"I don't like to be the bearer of bad news but...." I trailed off and smiled at her nervously.
"You're gay too?!" Shelley looked at me in shock.
"Damn!" Mary muttered out.
"You guys never suspected me to be gay?" I smiled at them in amusement. Their reaction wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Besides, they must be cool or else they wouldn't be here at Mike's engagement.
"No," Shelley looked at me curiously. "Didn't you yell out to the whole world that you weren't gay last Monday? I heard from someone you almost came to blows from this guy who was calling you a fag."
"I'm not exactly out," I looked at her meaningfully. "So I hope you two can keep this between us, ok?"
"I knew about Mike's homosexuality back in high school and you didn't hear me talking about it in the halls," Shelley smiled at me to reassure me that my secret was safe with them.
"Who's your boyfriend among this sea of studs?" Mary asked me quizzically as she looked around. "We saw you come with that gay guy, right?"
"Shawn?" I looked around and saw that he was talking to a group of guys he didn't know. Probably they were from the QC. I looked back at Mary. "I'm not seeing anyone. He's just a friend of mine."
"He's kinda cute," Shelley said as she looked at Shawn from head to foot. She looked at me again and giggled. "He'd be perfect for me if only he's straight."
We began to talk about other stuff then like our other friends and Mike and Cliff. It was probably around seven-thirty when I saw Mike opening the door and saw Gary coming in the room.
I looked over at Shawn to see if he saw Gary coming in. He was still deep in conversation with someone. I turned my gaze back to the door and to my utter shock, I saw Gary pulling someone into the apartment. It was Stephen. And they were holding hands!
************* to be continued: *************
Note: Part 8 should be out pretty soon. Like always, all your comments and suggestions are welcome.
e-mail: sliders21@iname.com