Note: here's part 5. Thanks again for all the comments you wrote me.
hidden desires -- 5
"You're gay, aren't you?" I heard Josh say to me. I just stared in shock at what he said. Shit! I stood there, frozen at what he said. I studied Josh's face and saw anger and something more but I wasn't sure what it was. All I know what that he was very angry seeing me with Shawn like that.
"I should have known!" Josh said more to himself than to me. "No wonder you don't have any girlfriends yet! You're gay!"
"You should have known?!" I said to him in a very bitter tone. "Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean, huh? I never did anything to you! I never came on to you! I never flirted with you! You have the nerve to tell me that I'm gay?! Who the fuck do you think you are, huh? We're not that close anymore for you to know anything about me!"
"I'm your friend for crying out loud!" Josh said to me frustratedly. "You should have been just honest to me and tell you are gay and--- "
"I'm not gay!" I said to him in a very enraged voice. We just looked at each other for a while. His angry look gave way to a very concerned look.
"I'm your friend Jason and I just want to know what's wrong with you," Josh said softly. "I know I acted like an asshole earlier with Shawn but I heard him say that he came on to you and you didn't want it to happen, right? If you have a problem, why not just talk to me. We have known each other for four years now and I consider you as a very close friend."
"Whatever happened between me and Shawn, it's not your problem," I said to him bitterly. "Let me handle this on my own. I don't need you to meddle in my life."
"Fuck! I'm just trying to be nice to you!" Josh was starting to get angry at me again. "If you don't want my help, fine! If you don't want to be my friend, fine! I'll leave you alone from now on!" Josh then turned around and walked back inside the building. I turned around also and headed off to catch up to Shawn. I finally caught up to him at the bus stop.
"Hey, " I tried my best to smile as he faced me. He didn't look at me as he greeted me back the same way. I pulled him down to the bench and we sat there silently for a few seconds.
"Sorry about what happened back there," I finally said to him. "I didn't know Josh was there and would act like that."
"He's right," Shawn said in almost a whisper. "I--I should stay away from you."
"I just wanted you to know that I'm still your friend, " I said with a nervous laugh. "I told you that you were a pretty good friend to me so far."
"A friend who's so stupid as to do that thing Friday night," Shawn sighed out deeply. "I'm sorry."
"Don't you get tired saying that?" I said to him as I stood up. "You know what you should do? You should come back to me at the Singles party and have fun. Maybe you can even meet someone there."
"Aren't you guys just a hetero group?" Shawn looked up at me and finally made eye contact.
"Not really," I shrugged my shoulders. "There are some gay people in our group although most of the gay students like to go to the Queer Coalition get-together. I guess they wanted to be part of our volunteer programs."
"I heard you guys were part of that thing where they repainted the old library," Shawn nodded his head as he stood up.
"One of the projects we have next month is to clean up this park somewhere," I said to him. "You might have a better chance at hooking up with someone in one of the QC's parties but you get to help out a lot of people if you join us."
"Maybe some other time," Shawn said to me softly. "Just tell me when your next meeting is and I'll come but not right now."
"It's cool," I nodded my head. "I'll just call you up to tell you the details." The bus came just then and I watched him get on before heading back to the party. When I got there, the meeting had started already. Mark was speaking at the front while everyone was sitting down. I saw Lisa standing at the back. I made my way to her side.
"Hey," Lisa whispered to me as I joined her. "I heard you and Josh were fighting outside."
"He's being an asshole," I muttered out to her.
"Some people were saying that he accused you of being gay," Lisa said as diplomatically as she could before looking at me keenly.
"He saw me and Shawn talking together and he thought I was gay," I said to her tiredly.
"And who's Shawn?" Lisa asked me curiously.
"He's in the same frat as Josh and he came out sometime ago," I said slowly. "He invited me to some art thing last Friday night and well, ummm, we ended up at his place and..."
"You guys ended up in bed? " Lisa whispered out to me.
"No!" I said a little to loudly. "How could you say that!"
"Then why did Josh get so worked up?" Lisa folded her arms as she gave me a very interested look.
"He heard something he shouldn't have and took it in another way," I said to her slowly.
"What exactly did Josh didn't like?" Lisa asked me. I just stared at her for a while. I didn't want to tell anyone else what happened at Shawn's place but I also didn't want everyone to think that Shawn and I had sex. I could take the easy way out and just tell her Shawn came on to me and make him the bad guy. Fuck! What should I do?
"I--I can't tell you," I finally said frustratedly. I really wanted to blame Shawn but I had been feeling so bad about the way I have been acting lately. I can't do this to Shawn. I'll just feel more rotten about myself. I couldn't help but think how ironic it is to be outed because I didn't want to tell everyone how some faggot came on to me.
"Why not?" Lisa asked me suspiciously. "Something happened between you and Shawn? Did you guys have sex? Did he try coming on to you? "
"I don't want to talk about this right now," I hissed at her.
"O--Okay," Lisa said slowly but she still looked at me keenly.
Great! As if things aren't bad enough. I just hope this is the last I hear about this Shawn business for a while. I just focused on the meeting which went on for another thirty minutes. After the meeting, the party started.
Lisa and I joined Mark and the others at the front. We discussed some last minute business before we joined the others. I was pouring myself some drinks when Sarah joined me. Stephen was right behind her.
"Jason," Sarah greeted me but she had this grim look on her face. "Josh told me about you and Shawn."
"What did he tell you?" I asked her slowly as my heart beat faster. I looked at Stephen and he was avoiding my eyes. That was kinda creepy. Did Josh tell them I was a faggot already?
"He said Shawn tried to do something to you last Friday," Sarah said to me. " Shit! I told you you should have just come with us to the party and none of this--"
"Look Sarah," I said as I looked at her eyes. "Whatever Josh told you about what Shawn did, keep it to yourself, ok? I don't want everyone to know that. Shawn feels bad enough as it is without him looking like some pervert. Josh probably exaggerated anyway."
"Let me get this straight," Sarah looked at me in shock. "You're worried about what people will think of the guy who came on to you against your will?"
"It's not like he forced himself on me," I hissed at her, warning her to lower her voice. "He just wanted to be with someone so bad and he misread the signals I was giving off. I wanted to be with a friend that night and he thought I wanted something much more. Nothing happened that night. There's no need to make an mountain out of a molehill."
" I see," Sarah said slowly as she looked at me curiously.
"You surprise me Jason," Stephen spoke up. I looked at him in surprise. He was looking at me very seriously.
"Why's that?" I said to him as I put my drink down.
"I thought you were this asshole who was always rude and sarcastic to everyone and anyone," Stephen said to me slowly. "God knows how nice I've been to you but you've always brushed me off and been pretty rotten to me. I`ve already gave up with you considering everything that had happened."
"But you had to do this and think about someone's feelings first before your own," Stephen continued on. "I really don't know how to act around you anymore. I know that if I treat you nicely, you'll just be rude. But seeing you can be very unselfish and kind, I hope that we can be friends finally."
I just looked at him for a while as he smiled me his smile. I sighed out deeply and said, "I know I've been very rotten to you and to everyone else. But don't let me fool you. I told you that I have some problems to deal right now and I don't need your help. I can work this out by myself. Don't think that just because I was nice once, I won't say another biting, cynical remark against you."
I excused myself then and mingled with the other people in the room. I knew I did the right thing. I just don't see myself being friends with a straight guy I'm head over heels in love with. I know how miserable that feels. I deserve some break from the heartache that can cause.
History class was a drag that day. The teacher gave us some pretty hard assignments. I was sitting in a table in the library, this huge book about Europe in front of me. I was trying to understand this article about the German Confederation when I heard the seat opposite m being dragged. I looked up and saw Stephen sitting down.
"Hey," Stephen greeted me with a smile. I just nodded at him silently before going back to what I was reading.
"Look Jason," Stephen spoke up again. I closed the book and fixed my gaze on his beautiful face. He was smiling at me uneasily. " I'm not going to bother you by asking you what your problem is or say that I want to help you. And I hope your not in a bad mood today also. I just wanted to ask your help in answering our assignment."
"You've been talking to Mark, huh?" I muttered out to him.
"He might have told a few things about what you said last Saturday," He gave me one of his smiles again. "I'm sorry if I was being a pest before. I thought I was just being a friend. I didn't know I was bothering you."
"What don't you understand about the assignment?" I sighed out deeply as I opened the book again. He took out his notes then and we spent the next hour or so doing our assignment.
"You wanna grab some bite to eat?" Stephen asked me as we were going out of the library.
"No thanks," I answered him a little gruffly.
"My treat," He said to me. "Aren't you even a little hungry?"
"I don't want to seem rude again but I really don't want to eat, ok?" I said to him as I tried to control my anger.
"O--Okay," Stephen said slowly. We separated when we got to the first floor main lobby. He headed to the cafeteria and I made my way to my next class.
"I told you I don't want to see some stupid movie," I said to Sarah over the phone. It was Friday afternoon and I was watching television when Sarah rung me up.
"Come on," Sarah pleaded with me. "You need to lighten up anyway. You need this. When was the last time you just had fun, huh? You've been brooding in your apartment for weeks now. Go out! Have some fun!"
"Fine," I sighed out deeply.
"Great," Sarah said happily. "We'll just pick you in two hours. We'll go to dinner before going to the theater."
"We?" I said to her as I sat up straight. " What do you mean we?"
"Goodnight," Sarah said with a giggle before she hung up. I placed the phone back to it's cradle as I leaned back on the couch. We? I didn't like this. My cousin can be very crazy and nosy sometimes. That's a dangerous combination.
I watched some more television before getting up and taking a long hot shower. I was just putting on my sweater when I heard the bell ringing. It was Sarah and I let her in. I opened the door and went to the bathroom to brush my hair.
"We're here," Sarah yelled out to me. I walked back to the living room and almost dropped dead. This was what she meant when she said `we'. Stephen was sitting on the couch besides Sarah who was giving me a huge smile.
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To be continued
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Note: Some people who wrote me said that Jason was being way too rotten to everyone around him. I guess I loved blowing of steam by making him into a very cynical person. Besides, just because he's the protagonist doesn't mean he have to be nice. But thanks for pointing that out to me.
Any comments and reactions are very welcome. Write to me at: Sliders21@iname.com