Warning: Homosexual topics below. If you don't want to read that stuff or not allowed because of some reason or another, don't scroll down.
Note: I wanted to thank J. for his help and everything. And thanks to everyone who said that my grammar and perspective have improved. I remember now why I didn't want anyone else to read my previous works. Hope this one doesn't have any mistakes anymore. If there is still some mistakes, sorry.
hidden desires in new york - 4
Since it was Saturday, I didn't have any classes but I was walking towards a dorm because I got a call from a friend of mine and she told me that the Singles Students of Columbia were having a meeting. Actually only the officers were having a meeting and since I was an officer last year, I also got an invite. I was just forced to join the organisation since a few friends of mine were members. But I do like all the projects we did. We don't just organize parties where people can meet each other. We also do a lot of volunteer work around the community. Maybe the reason why I was invited for the meeting was because I was one of the very few people who really took the volunteer part of the organisation to heart.
I entered the building and quickly headed for the lounge area. I saw a group of about seven people sitting together and I quickly joined them. I sat down besides a girl named Lisa who was the current president of the group. It seems that I was the last person to arrive for the meeting because we started the meeting a minute later. We just basically talked about what projects to do this year and when the parties we held every month will take place and where. Before I knew it, someone said that it was lunchtime already. We all agreed to have lunch together so we headed off to the cafeteria. This time we just talked about what we had been doing during the summer. Lisa noticed that I wasn't really talkative so she asked me if anything was troubling me.
"No," I said as I tried to put on my best everything-is-just-a-ok look. "I guess I'm kinda tired. I got home late and I didn't get that much sleep. Then you had to call me up so early in the morning".
"Sorry for disturbing your beauty rest," She said sarcastically.
"Who's that cute guy following your cousin all over the campus?" Someone in the group asked me suddenly. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was just too surprised. I knew that Stephen and Sarah were kind of an item already but hearing it from someone else was much more painful.
"Uhhhh," I said as I organized my mind. I really didn't care if I acted very foolish in front of these guys. It can get very tiring to be on my guard and be defensive all the time. "I think his name is Stephen something."
"He's right! You don't like him at all!" A guy named Mark said to me with a very uneasy laugh. I looked at him sharply and quickly became very defensive. So much for taking it easy.
"What the fuck are you talking about?!" I said as my voice rose a notch. The group fell silent as they stared at me in shock. I don't usually lose my temper or use foul language when I'm around them. But I've been doing a lot of that these past few days. Why stop now?
"I…ummm…..nothing," Mark said as he avoided my gaze.
"Shit!" I just continued staring at Mark. "What did you mean by what you said?!"
"Well, you see…." Mark said as he looked up and met my gaze. He looked very uncomfortable but I didn't notice and didn't really care. "Stephen is my roommate and he sort of told me about you and him and how you have been treating him lately."
"Fuck!" I said a little too loudly as I pushed my plate away in anger.
"Hey, it's ok," Lisa put an arm around me and started to rub my arm gently, trying to calm me down. I looked at her and just saw a smile on her face. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I opened it a minute later.
"Sorry about that Mark, guys," I said as I looked at Mark first then the others. "I just…." I trailed off, not sure what to say to them.
"You really hate him, don't you?" Mark said to me slowly.
"It's not that," I said to him as I sighed out deeply. "You guys sensed that something's bothering me but you didn't try to push me into telling you what exactly is my problem. That jerk you call a roommate have been literally breathing down my neck, wanting to know what exactly is my problem. Like that is any of his fucking business!"
"He's just trying to be nice," Mark said in defensive of Stephen.
"I don't need his help," I said to hin icily.
"I've met Stephen and he's really a cool guy," Someone piped in.
"Could we not just talk about him?" I said as I looked at the group. "I really don't like to continue this conversation." It was very ackward for the next few minutes as we all ate our lunch in silence. I stood up and looked at the group. "I'm sorry for acting like an asshole. And I'm really sorry for yelling at you like that Mark."
"It's ok Jason," Mark said slowly to me. "But it seems that something's wrong with you. You know that if you need some to talk to or you need help, we are here for you."
"I know that," I said as I did my best to give him a smile. "But I can handle this by myself."
"Anytime you need a friend, we are here," Lisa said to me as she took my ahnd and gave it a squeeze.
"Just don't get in my face like Stephen has been doin, ok?" I said to her half-seriously, half-jokingly. "I probably won't be as bad with you as I am with him but still you know that if I really need any help, I won't hesitate to call any of you guys."
"I just wanted to make sure you know that," Lisa smiled at me. I smiled back at her as I said goodbye and left the cafeteria. I felt my muscles relax a little as the sun greeted me outside. I began to walk around aimlessly.
It's time to think about what Stephen really meant to me. I couldn't have fallen in love with him already, could I? The thing with Josh took months. At first, I was just happy to be rooming with a very great and fun guy. The feelings I had for him developed the more I knew him. I didn't act like this with Josh but then again I was still pretending to be straight then. Why did Stephen, who was very much in love with my cousin, have to be come into life when I was at a point where I decided I was gay and shouldn't hide in the closet anymore?
This thing with Stephen must be just purely sexual. I just think I love him because he's a very sexy and gorgeous guy. Yeah. That's it. I probably would remember this in a few months and laugh at myself. I just couldn't fall in love with a guy I barely know just like that! I've never really believed in love at first sight, soulmates, destiny, fate and all that bullshit.
But that Smile! God! Why can't I just forget that fucking smile?! Everytime I tell myself that it's not love, all I have to do was to remember just how warm and how beautiful Stephen's smile is and I'll fall in love with him all over again! The worst part is that I'm not a romantic at heart! I really hate it when people say that they just take one look at a person and know that it's love. They're just delusional. That or maybe I haven't really fallen in love before and this is how it feels to be in love.
I'm not a Monday person. I hate to get up early and know that I'll do that for the next four days also. The whole day was dragging by really slow and it felt like a year had gone by before my last class let us out.
I proceeded to the student center building where the Singles hang out. We were supposed to have this General Assembly at four that afternoon in one of the rooms there. I found Mark, Lisa and a few other guys already making preperations. I dropped my bag in a corner and helped them out. Nothing was said about what happened last Saturday. In fact, we were joking around while we decorated the place and prepared the food. The assemblies of the Singles are more of a party than anything else.
"How many are we expecting this time?" I asked Lisa as I took out some paper cups from the boxes and put them on the table. We were preparing the food and drinks.
"Around forty," Lisa said to me. Mark joined us then and helped Lisa with the sandwiches.
"Uhhhh," Mark cleared his throat as he tried to get my attention. I was just looked at him quizzically. He said in a slow voice. "I don't want to freak you out or anything but I sort of asked Stephen to attend the assembly."
"You're pulling my leg, right?" I said jokingly. Why would he ask Stephen to attend our assembly? This was a group of single students. Now that he had Sarah, he wouldn't really want to be a part of this group. "Stephen's got Sarah already. You know only single persons are allowed to join us."
"Huh?" Mark looked at me bewilderingly. "Stephen's not seeing anyone. He told me himself last night when I told him we were going to have a meeting today. That's why I asked him to come."
"I know he and Sarah went on a date last Friday," I shook my head at him. "You must be wrong."
" He's my roommate, " Mark said sarcastically. "I should know if he's dating anybody. He and Sarah did go to the party together but he said it was nothing serious. He just wanted to go to the party and since Sarah was invited and was looking for a date, he went with her. He practically spent the whole weekend at our room. He doesn't know that many people yet and I think he's afraid of New York. That's why I invited him over for our meeting. So he could make new friends."
I couldn't believe what Mark said. I was so sure that Stephen was just using me to get to Sarah. Maybe that's it. His plan obviously didn't work out since I wasn't cooperative. What I didn't like was that I felt a little bad when Mark said that Stephen spent the weekend alone in the dorm. I know it's hard for him since he just transferred here and didn't really know anyone. Maybe what he needs is a group like this. He'll meet some girl and be out of my life permanently.
" I guess there's nothing wrong if he shows up, " I finally said when I realized Mark and Lisa was waiting for me to speak up. I gave Mark a smile and said. "But I'm only doing it because he's your roommate. I can probably keep my mouth shut and not get angry at him later."
"Thanks!" Mark beamed at me happily. "I really thought you'd start to scream again and start cursing out loudly. A piece of advice Jason. You really don't want to get yourself that worked up. It doesn't suit you."
"I'll try to smile and be happy in spite of your roommate's presence," I said to him with a laugh. "Although I got to admit that it's not really his fault. He's just trying to be friendly and all. It's just his luck he caught me in a bad mood."
"That's what I can't figure out," Mark said as he looked at me curiously. "Why do you say he always get's in your face? That doesn't sound like Stephen. He barely talked to me when we meet two weeks ago. It took him three days to finally loosen up and have a decent conversation with me. I just can't picture him being so nosy and annoying like you say he is."
"Maybe it's my charming personality that brought out the change in him," I said jokingly. "But seriously, I told you I'm almost always in a bad mood whenever he talks to me. Maybe he's just concerned and everything but to me it's very annoying when he asks me what's wrong."
The conversation stopped as we saw people starting to trickle into the room. Lisa and Mark greeted them as I headed outside. I wanted to get away for a while before the room was packed with people. Stephen was going to be at the party! Now I was doubting whether he just wanted to use me to get Sarah or not.
As I was at the main lobby when I saw Josh, Sarah and Stephen coming into the looby! I stopped in my tracks and looked at them silently. They slowly approached me as I put on a fake smile.
"Hey," I said as I nodded at them in greeting. "What are you guys doing here?"
"I was going to meet a few friends of mine here and these two are going to your party," Josh said to me slowly.
"Doesn't the meeting start in a few minutes?" Sarah asked me as a group of people passed by us. They greeted me before proceeding to the function room.
"I was going to check up on something," I said to them. "You guys should go inside now." I looked at Stephen and he was sort of avoiding my eyes. This is a first. Maybe it finally got through his thick head that I'm not going to cooperate with his insane plan to get Sarah.
"I guess----" Josh started to say when I saw Shawn appear. He stopped by the entrance and just looked at me strangely. I just stared back at him the same way. Josh saw I was looking at someone and turned around. Shawn was walking towards us by now.
"Ummm," Shawn looked at me uncomfortably. "Jason, can we talk? Alone?"
"I guess we'd better talk," I sighed out deeply as I faced the other guys. "I'll just see you Josh whenever and I'll see you Sarah, Stephen later." I walked outside with Shawn behind me. I sat down at the right side of the steps and Shawn sat down besides me.
"Sorry for what I did last Friday," Shawn said to me softly. I faced him and saw that he was looking down on the ground.
"Sorry for walking out on you like that," I replied back to him. He looked up at me in surprise. I gave him a weak smile. "I knew you needed a friend when you started to cry but I still left."
"You had every right to walk out on me," Shawn shook his head at me. "I didn't know what possessed me to do that. You were so nice to me and everything. I guess I wish so bad that you were gay and just read too much in your actions. But that's not an excuse for making a total fool of myself in front of you."
"Could we just forget that incident and start over?" I whispered to him. This was a chance for me to finally do something right for a change and I'm not going to waste it. "I really need a friend right now and believe it or not, you're not bad being one to me."
"Sorry for making a pass at you the other night and for kissing you and for trying to---" Shawn was saying when we heard a gasp behind us. We both turned around and saw Josh standing there. We both got back on our feet and faced him.
" Stay the away from Jason you fucking faggot!" Josh said angrily as he advanced towards Shawn and pushed him away roughly. Shawn was too stunned to do anything. He gave me one look before mummbling out an apology to both of us and quickly left us.
I faced Josh angrily, "Why the fuck did you do that!"
"He came on to you for crying out loud!" Josh hissed out to me. I looked around and fortunately there wasn't that many people. There was a few guys who saw what happened but we didn't know them so who cares. Josh then paused as he looked at me intently. "Don't tell me you actually were flirting with him and you wanted that to happen!" He pasued for a second before saying in an icy voice. "You're gay, aren't you?!"
To Be Continued: