Warning: Yada Yada Yada.you know it already, right?
Note: This is a work of fiction. I don't live in New York and I didn't study in Columbia. I might get a lot of facts wrong about the city or the university. Sorry about that. While I wrote some short stories before, this is the first time I really posted anything so I might get some grammar and spellings wrong. Also, I'm not familiar with writing in the first person so I might shift to the third person sometimes. Sorry if that happens.
" Hello? " I picked up the phone automatically when I heard it ringing. My eyes were on the television just as Sandra Bullock was walking down the aisle in the wedding scene of her movie " While You Were Sleeping. "
" Jason? " Josh's familiar voice came through the line. I fell silent as the scene earlier came back to my mind. I shouldn't have yelled at him like that. It's not his fault that I fell in love with him or if he fell in love with Sarah.
" Yeah? " I answered nonchalantly.
" Ummmm, " Josh sounded very nervous. " I think we need to talk. "
" About what? " I said as the bitterness of years of yearning for him seeped into my voice.
" Can we just meet tonight and talk things over? " Josh said to me frustratedly. " I didn't even know you felt this way about me and Sarah! I thought you were happy when we hooked up! " I fell silent again for a few seconds.
" I was, " I said flatly. " I was very happy that you and Sarah were happy. But I lost a friend in the process. I think I have a right to be a little bitter and depress. "
" What are you talking about?! " Josh asked me. " I never stopped being your friend even after Sarah and I started dating, right? "
" Yeah, " I said sarcastically. " What a fine friend you turned out to be! You'll just talk to me when you want me to give something to your girlfriend or to ask how she is! "
" Fuck! Sarah's my girlfriend for god's sake! And she's your cousin! It's natural for me to ask you to give her some letters or ask you how she is. "
" But when you guys broke up several months ago, you stopped talking to me also for a while. " I said softly. " It's that the deal Josh. I'm your friend just because your girlfriend happened to be my friend. And now that you guys aren't together, we aren't friends anymore also. "
" Shit! That's not true and you know it! I knew you way before I met Sarah! "
" I can't help but wonder if you used our friendship to get her, " I said to him harshly. " When was the last time you and I went out to watch a movie together like we used too the first few months we were here? All you ever cared about was my stupid cousin and that stupid Frat of yours. Thank you for being a really good friend Josh!" I slammed the phone dawn angrily.
I stood up and went to the ref and got a big slice of chocolate cake and sat down on the dining table and drowned my sorrows in that. I silently cursed myself for acting like a jealous lover with Josh. Why is he so insensitive anyway? He and Sarah sometimes drag me to their dates and make out in front of me. All he ever talks about when they were together was Sarah and the Frat he joined the second year they were in Columbia. The painful thing is that while we were freshmen, we were pretty inseparable. We went out to bars and saw movies together every weekend. Even when he started dating Sarah and when I moved into my own apartment. Then when we met again the following year, he started to become aloof. We still talk sometimes but not as often as before. I felt like he was slowly phasing me out of his life.
But it did do one good thing. I finally got over Josh because of that. I knew that I was over him when Sarah told me that he and Josh broke up and I genuinely felt sad for the both of them. When they started dating, I wanted to strangle Sarah's neck so bad because she was stealing my man! *******************
" Hey! " Sarah greeted me as I got out of my last class for the day. It was just three in the afternoon. I looked at her and saw this big stupid smile plastered on her face. " How's my favorite cousin doing today? "
" Not as good as you, " I said slowly as I raised an eyebrow. " You're going to tell me the reason why you are so fucking happy right now even though I probably won't like it, right? "
" I met a guy! " Sarah said as her eyes sort of twinkled. I just groaned out loudly as we both sat on the floor. I leaned back on the wall as she faced me.
" Okay, okay, " I muttered out to her. " Tell me all about him. "
" We're classmates in my Statistics class earlier. He came up to me after class and told me we were classmates in Economics also and--- "
" Tell me the guy isn't named Stephen! " I suddenly felt my body stiffen as I looked at her in shock.
" How did you know? " Sarah looked at me in amazement.
" Fuck! " I said under my breath as I stood up and began to walk away. I cannot deal with this right now. I cannot act happy for my cousin because she found someone knew when it makes me miserable.
" Jason! " Sarah caught up to me. She grabbed me by the arms and forced me to the side. She looked at me concernedly. " Is anything wrong? "
" I know I'm supposed to be happy for you and all that, " I sighed out deeply as I avoided looking at her eyes. " But Stephen isn't exactly my most favorite person in the world right now. "
" What did he do to you? " Sarah asked me softly.
" Nothing really. I..I just have a lot on my mind lately and people I don't even know starts to irritate me, " I said lamely.
" Jason! " Sarah folded her arms as she looked at me grimly. " What's wrong with you? You've been acting strange these past few weeks. "
" I'm not! " I said defensively.
" Why then did you decide to return here a few weeks early? " Sarah asked me sarcastically. " I thought you said you liked it when we spend summer in our grandparents' house up in Maine? You were very depress up there. What's wrong with you? "
I just stared at her speechlessly. I wanted to tell her what's wrong. I wanted to tell her that I felt so disgusted with myself when I heard one of our grandparent's friends make a joke about gays and they all laughed out. I felt like they were making fun of me. The thing that made it worse was that I had to force myself to smile or else they'll all know I was gay.
I knew then that I wouldn't be happy in this life anymore. I was gay and there was nothing I can do about it. I want to come out so bad but I wasn't ready yet. If I can only find someone I can talk to. Someone I can trust. Someone I can love. Someone who can love me back. Someone who-----Fuck! I saw him then. Walking just like the way he walked in my daydream.
" Jason? " I heard Sarah call out to me again.
" Just leave---let me be alone for a while, ok? " I said hurriedly before turning around and almost running away. Is this the way it's going to be from now on? I can't even look at his eyes. If I do that, I might just fall for him more. I was rushing out of the building when I bumped into Josh!
" Jason? " Josh looked at me in surprise as he grabbed my arms and held me steady. I knew I looked like shit. I didn't feel like dressing up that morning so I just out on whatever I saw.
" Hey, " I said a little nervously before I looked at my back and saw Sarah and Stephen coming towards me. " I.I got to go now. Bye. "
" Wait a minute! " Josh didn't let go of my arms. I stared back at him and saw the fear in my eyes. " What's wrong Jason? "
" Josh! Don't let Jason go! " Sarah yelled out to him as Josh looked behind me.
" Fuck! " I cursed out loudly. I pushed Josh a little too roughly as I sat down on the stairs and bent my head to my knees and breathed in deeply. I felt like I wanna puke just then. Someone sat down beside me and arm went around around my shoudlers. I thought it was Sarah but when I looked up, I saw the deepest bluest eyes I had ever seen. Shit! It was Stephen.
" Are you okay? " Stephen whispered to me softly.
" Yeah.yeah, " I said hurriedly as I stood up and pulled away from his embrace. I looked at Sarah and Josh and saw they were looking at me worriedly.
" What's going on Jason? " Sarah said softly. " Josh told me you're angry at him. You're angry at me. You're--- "
" I'm not angry at you! " I cried out frustratedly.
" That's why you never returned any of my calls and when I ask you out for dinner, you always say you have other plans, " Sarah said drily. Then she put a serious expression again. " You're even angry at Stephen here though you barely know him. He told me you just met yesterday at your History class. "
" Fine! " I said bitterly to her. " I'm angry at Josh! I'm angry at you! I'm angry at Stephen! What the fuck are you guys going to do about it? "
" Did we do anything wrong Jason? " Josh asked him softly.
" Just-----Just leave me alone! " I said as I turned my back towards them and began to walk away. " I just need sometime to be alone for a while. I don't need you or Sarah or Stephen trying to be the nice guy and help me straighten out my fucked up life. " ******************
I was tossing on my bed that night, the day's events replaying in my head. I knew I was way out of line when I said those words but it felt so good when I released my anger like that. I glanced at the clock on the night table and saw that it was just 10 pm. I stood up and dressed in black jeans and white shirt and put on my jacket.
I went out of my apartment building and walked to this bar two blocks away. It wasn't a gay bar thought it wasn't a straight one either. It was just a place where the locals liked to hang out. I had been spending most of my nights here for a few weeks now.
I went inside and scanned the room for anyone I knew. I spotted a few people I knew casually. They waved at me and I nodded to them in greeting before going to the bar and ordering iced tea. I was never really a big alcohol drinker so I tried to avoid drinking any if I can. I wasn't that depress yet to drown my sorrows in alcohol. I was drinking it slowly as I watched the dance floor. Everyone looked so happy. Why can't I be that happy?
" Jason? " I heard someone call out to me on my side. I turned my head and saw a guy that looked sort of familiar.
" Shawn, right? " I forced a smile as I remember the guy. He was in the same Frat as Josh.
" Yeah, " Shawn smiled at me as he sat down on the stool next to me. "You here alone? "
" Pretty much, " I nodded my head. " You? Alone or is some of your frat brothers with you? " I saw Shawn cringed as I mentioned that. He lost his smile and tried to avoid my eyes.
" I'm.I don't belong to the frat anymore, " Shawn said to me just loudly enough so I could hear.
" Why? " I asked in surprise.
" I.I left the frat because.. " Shawn mummbled out the rest under his breath that I didn't catch it.
" Because what? " I asked him curiously.
" I'm gay! " Shawn said to me again, louder this time. He glanced up to my face and saw the shock in it. Shawn had been one of the most masculine guys I had ever met. He was one of those rugged, cowboy type that you'd think was very homophobic.
" Ohhhh, " I managed to say to him. I felt so guilty then as I watched him squirm in his seat. Why can't I just tell him that I'm gay too? Maybe if I tell him, something will happen between us and---Fuck! What the hell was I thinking! My parents will disown me if they knew I was gay.
" I'll just leave you alone now, " Shawn said to me as he jumped to his feet. He was avoiding my eyes as he made his way out of the bar. I stared at him dumbly for a few seconds before I placed my drink on the counter and went after Shawn. I caught up to him on the streets.
" Hey, " I said as I put my hand on his shoudler. He stopped and looked at me quizzically. I breathed deeply and said out loudly, " I'm sorry for acting like a jerk back there. I just didn't expect you to say that. I never realized you were gay."
" It's ok Jason, " Shawn smiled at me weakly as he started to walk away again. I walked beside him as I gave him a smile.
" I know this quiet caf‚ down the block and they serve the best hot cocoa in the city. You wanna go with me and talk there? "
" You..you want to talk to..me? " Shawn stopped dead in his tracks as he looked at me in surprise. "Are you--- " Then he blushed deeply.
" No, " I said, lying through my teeth. " But I really need to talk to someone right now. That's why I was at that bar. So? How about it? I'll even treat you. "
" Ok, " Shawn said as he smiled at me. We walked to the caf‚, ordered some pasteries and hot cocoa and sat ourselves by the window.
" When did you.. ? " I asked him as I stirred my cocoa. I trailed off as I looked at him uneasily.
" Just last March, " Shawn laughed at my discomfort. " I was seeing this guy discreetly and thought it was love. I decided to leave the frat and come out because I hated seeing him on the sly like we were doing something wrong."
" Thought it was love? " I echoed what he said.
" We lasted until last month when he dumped me, " Shawn tried to smile at me. " That asshole was seeing this other guy behind my back. I never should have trusted someone taking up Sociology as a course. "
" Sociology? " I looked at him in surprise. " You were not seeing Gary, were you? "
" I was, " Shawn looked at me keenly. " Don't tell me you were seeing him also! " He laughed out like the last line he said was a joke.
" No! " I said a little to defensively. " We shared a few classes before and he didn't hide his sexuality from anyone. Actually, he joked once to us that he had a boyfriend from one of the more well-known frats in the Univeristy. We thought he was just joking. "
" I'm surprised Josh never even mentioned me being gay to you, " Shawn said to me. " I thought you guys were pretty close. He always invited you to all the parties we had. "
" He was just being friendly because my cousin was his girlfriend, " Jason tried not to let his bitterness show and thought he had gotten away with it. " Besides, we haven't really been talking that much lately. "
" Is he why you wanted to talk to someone tonight? " Shawn asked me softly. I stared at him fearfully for a while. I knew I'm not exactly one of those muscular jock types that reeks of masculinity but I thought I acted pretty straight. I engaged in sports and went to the gym pretty regularly. That only thing that might show that I was gay was the fact that I never had a girlfriend before. Even back in High School.
" Sort of, " I said slowly. " I just realized a lot of things lately. One of which is the fact that Josh was only a friend because he's Sarah's boyfriend. " We fell silent for a while as we sipped our cocoa. I smiled at him as I placed the cup back on the plate, " So? How's being gay in Columbia? " Shit! Why didn't I just ask him if I'll like coming out and being gay!
" It's not that bad really, " Shawn said slowly as he stared at my eyes. I just stared back in his eyes to show him I wasn't hiding anything. He was the first one who broke the gaze as he began to stir his cocoa again. " People in general are pretty tolerant. Some of my frat brothers are still very friendly towards me. Of course there are a few who gave me a hard time but considering what other gay people are experiencing in other places, I'm pretty lucky I decided to study here in Columbia. "
" Enough about that, " I smiled at him as I tried to change the topic. " Tell me about your classes this fall term. You're going to graduate this year, right? " Shawn just looked at me curiously for a few seconds before answering. I hope I didn't give away anything to him. I've been pretty lucky so far but I knew my luck will run out. I just hope that before that happens, I'll get the courage to come out just like what Shawn did. **********************
I was sort of smiling as I got out of my car and proceeded to the auditorium where my Economics class was being held. Shawn and I spent an hour talking in the caf‚ last night and that somehow made me feel good about myself. I rounded the corner and I saw Sarah and Stephen standing by the entrance, obviously waiting for me.
" Jason? " Sarah said softly as I walked pass them them. I really didn't know what to say to them.
" Yeah? " I stopped and faced her and her new boyfriend.
" You ok now? " Sarah asked me gently as she took my hands into her and squeezed it.
" Yeah, " I nodded to her and gave her a weak smile. " Sorry about all the stuff I said to you guys yesterday. " I said that as I looked at Stephen in the eyes for a second, to acknowledge his prescence.
" You wanna tell us what's bothering you? " Sarah looked into my eyes and I saw the concern in them.
" I'm not ready to talk about that yet, " I whispered to her.
" We're here for you Jason, " Stephen spoke up as I watched him put a hand on Sarah's shoudler and smile at me. I felt sick to my stomach. He's actually using me as a reason to touch my cousin. I tried to control my anger
" Look, " I said as I closed my eyes for a second before opening them again.. " I know you guys are pretty damn happy to be dating and everything but could you spare me your sweet nothings and leave me to my misery, ok? " I turned around and quickly headed inside the auditorium. I went to seat in the fifth aisle and just stared at the front blankly. I felt someone seating down next to me. I tunred my head and saw that It was sarah and Stephen sat down next to her.
" Sorry for always snapping at you like that lately, " I apologized as I forced a smile at them. " Both of you. ".
" I don't know what's going on with you Jason but I'm always here to listen to you, you know that, " Sarah said to me gently.
" Me too, " Stephen spoke up. I sort of looked at him in surprise. This guy never stops! He's trying to paint himself a saint in front of my cousin at my expense. But I controlled my anger this time and just continued with my fake smile.
" Thanks, " I said half-heartedly.
" And Jason, we are not dating, " Sarah laughed softly. " At least not yet. He agreed to be my date for the Frat party this Friday night. "
" You'll be there, right? " Stephen asked me as he flashed me one of his smiles. I knew I should be irritated with him right about now but he had to smile at me like that. I just had to smile back at him.
" Maybe, " I answered him truthfully. " I don't know yet. "
" You've got to come! " Stephen said to me to my surprise.
" I--- " I was about to say when I saw Shawn coming our way. I was surprised since he wasn't in this class. Shawn made his way to the aisle behind us.
" Hey Jason, " Shawn smiled at me as he nodded to Sarah and Stephen.
" Hey, " I stood up and leaned on the seat before mine. " This is Sarah's new boyfriend, Stephen. Stephen, this is Shawn. "
" I..I'm not Sarah's boyfriend, " Stephen laughed uneasily. " And we know each other already. We share a class also. "
" Ohhhh, " I sort of blushed from that honest mistake.
" I just want to thank you for last night, " Shawn turned his eyes on me. " I was wondering if you were doing anything this Friday night. "
" I haven't made any plans yet, why? " I saw Sarah looking at me curiously as I talked to Shawn.
" A friend of mine is going to have an art exhibit and since it was near your place, I thought you'd like to drop by for a second or two, " Shawn said slowly to me.
" Call me up tonight and tell me the details, " I answered him.
" Ok, " Shawn said before he said goodbye and left the three of them.
" I didn't know you and Shawn were good friends, " Sarah said slowly as I sat back down. " What did you guys do last night? "
" We met at this bar and I invited him to this caf‚ and we just talked, " I shrugged my shoudlers casually.
" You were in a gay bar?! " Stephen couldn't help but exclaim out. I just stared at him open-mouthed for a few seconds before anger took control of me.
" What the fuck are you talking about?! " I hissed out at him. " If you have to know, we met at this singles bar and it's not exclusively a gay bar. And I don't think it's any of your business if I do go to gay bars or not! "
" But it's mine, " Sarah interjected. She was looking at me warily as she said, " Are you gay? "
" Fuck! " I muttered out under my breath as I turned my anger to her. I know she was my cousin and that she really cares for me but who the fuck does she think she is to just ask me a question like that in public! And the ironic thing is that she was the reason why I was very miserable! I wouldn't be out in that stupoid bar last night and met Shawn if Stephen hadn't fallen in love with her and I could pretend I have a chance with him. At least I would still have my dreams and but even that she had stolen from me.
" I.I'm sorry, " Sarah blushed in embarassment as I glared at her. She obviously thought I was offended by her question because I was straight and not because she stole the man of my dreams man! Not just once but twice!
" Look, " I said through gritted teeth. " I don't want you to ask me that question again. "
" O...OK, " Sarah said as she avoided my eyes. " Sorry. "
I leaned back on my chair and let my anger cool down. I didn't speak to them until the class started. After we were dismissed, I quickly walked out of the auditorium without waiting for either of them.
To be continued...
Note: I don't know yet whether to hook Jason up with Stephen or Shawn or Josh or maybe someone else. I'll try to get something sexual started next time. I'll try to post the next part ASAP.
Email address: sliders21@iname.com