Hi, I'm Lance Chapter 6
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Meeting No. 9 August 5
Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Lance," the group replied.
"I can say something today that I didn't think I'd be able to say several weeks ago. I've gone a month without a drink. I'm so grateful to this group. It has been an encouragement. A month.
"It frightens me how I used to just reach for a drink just because I didn't like what was happening in my life. Like that was going to make it better somehow. Looking back now, I'm amazed at how easily I fell into that trap. I'm certainly not proud of that, particularly at 22, but I can feel good about getting beyond all that ... waste of time. Now that I've gone a month, I can tell I was just ... plugging up holes of what felt empty.
"The other day I tried to remember when the last time I went an entire month without a drink. I think it was my sophomore year. I wasn't old enough to even buy, but it isn't hard to grab a beer somewhere in college. Dates ... with girls ... left me feeling confused. If we were at a party, I drank heavily to get over it.
"So ... now ... a month. That's a big thing for me.
"I have nothing further to add. I'm just pleased.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Madison. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Madison," the group replied.
"I ran into my old boyfriend. Actually, he called me and asked if we could meet. I – I don't know why I agreed to it. We were together for almost a year. Things go kind of abusive near the end. He didn't really hit me ... but the abuse was there. He yelled at me, demeaned me ... occasionally shoved me. A lot of it was alcohol.
"But he could be fine the next day. I ... I couldn't. I drank every day. The more I felt he treated me badly, the more I drank. What made it worse was I didn't think I could make it on my own. So, guess what? I drank because of that. I really thought I had no way out. I felt so trapped. But four months ago, I just couldn't take it. I left him and moved out.
"My sister said I could stay with her for one month, but that was all. I went that month without drinking. She really did encourage me a little bit. She knew me at my worst. I think she saw improvement. She helped me get a job, so I would have money. It wasn't a great job, but ... hey, I was working.
"After the month was up, she put in a good word with Mom. So I moved there. Yee hah," Madison said flatly. "Living with your mother at 33. She was skeptical at first, but since then, she has seen me get better. When I got my three-month chip, we started talking about me being on my own. I can't afford it. But I don't want to keep bouncing back and forth between family members.
"Then Grady called this week. I don't what I was thinking. I told him I would meet him. He suggested a bar, and I told him that wasn't a possibility. I felt the food court at the mall would be kind of safe. We sat down; he bought me a burger and fries. He said he wanted me to come back. A part of that felt so good. Who wouldn't want to hear that? That you're wanted, you know? He said he was better. He wasn't getting angry at things anymore.
"I wanted to believe that. But I really thought about it. I told him I was getting better. They said to avoid relationships when you're getting sober. Grady seemed like a rabbit hole. If I went down it, I knew I wasn't coming back out. I told him I needed time. If we both thought it was a good idea months from now ... maybe. He didn't really like that answer. He probably just wanted someone in the bedroom.
"So I turned him down. But I'm still worried about where to live. I heard a coworker talk about her roommate moving out. I'm being really nice. I'm going to ask her next week if she'd like a roommate. I can't afford a place on my own, but I could share one. Wish me luck.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Jakob. With a K. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Jakob," the group replied.
"I got a paycheck. It's not a huge check. But it has been some time since I've actually earned money. At least money that comes in a paycheck. For so long I was dependent on others. Even though it's not a lot of money, I know I worked hard to earn it. And to be honest, I enjoyed doing the work. I'm happy working."
Jakob looked at me.
"I've also found someone who is a good listener. I wasn't expecting to find such a good friend at this point in my messed-up life, but I had forgotten what kindness really feels like. I've gone through so many years of ... almost being told what to do, so for someone to care what I think ... I haven't ... felt that for ... I don't know when. I'm feeling blessed. It's nice. And it helps.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
Jakob and I were sitting next to each other. We were in the middle of the shares. There were a few more tonight. His knee was touching mine.
When it was over, I had Ophelia sign my form. She was chairperson. I was glad. It was even more special to get the One-Month chip from her. She let me know she had to do a few tasks, so she wouldn't be able to do coffee tonight.
"I still owe you for that card. How about I buy you a milkshake?" Jakob offered.
"You don't have to do anything for me, but ... I will allow you to show me the kind gesture."
He smiled. I liked his smile. It seemed authentic. We put the last of the chairs away.
As we walked outside, Jakob grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him. He gave me a simple kiss. It wasn't long, but it was passionate. It was a kiss. I liked it. I wasn't sure what he and I were. I liked having him for a friend. I liked the affection. I had heard others in their shares say they had been advised not to date when you are trying to get sober. Jakob and I weren't dating. We just attended meetings. We were just friends. But I did look forward to seeing him each time.
"We only have done that when we've said goodbye," he smiled. "I felt like doing it earlier on."
I smiled back.
I had a banana shake, slightly justifying the fruit in it made it healthier. But I was down another pound. I deserved a treat every now and then.
"I only had a $2 combo at QT for lunch. I'm splurging for a banana split tonight."
"You and I need to talk about healthier foods. Someday." I bumped into his shoulder to let him know I was kidding.
We sat with our decadent food items. Before we could say anything, we heard a chime.
"That's not my phone," I said, looking at it to make sure.
Jakob's brow wrinkled. He pulled out his phone.
"It's a text. I haven't had a text in ... this year."
His eyes scanned the message. They enlarged like he had witnessed a murder. I could tell he was reading it again.
"Oh my God!" he screamed.
I was alarmed. I hoped it wasn't bad news.
"What is it?"
"It's ... it's my sister. Read!"
"Jakob. I've seen Mom read your letter a dozen times. Each time she cries. I'm glad you wrote. It's nice to hear you're okay."
"Well, that's nice to see," I said, as I watched his face become visibly overcome with emotion.
His eyes welled. Tears poured down his cheeks instantly. This was big for him. Jakob was overwhelmed. I wasn't sure what to do. He was obviously happy, but to the point that it had stopped him in his tracks. He was trembling. He put his hand over his mouth and cried uncontrollably. It wasn't loud. Another table could tell he was crying, but he wasn't making a scene. I grabbed some napkins and handed them to him. He wiped tears, and I reached to hold his other hand. It took him a minute to regain his composure.
"Good news, right?" I asked, assuming it was but not 100 percent sure.
"It's all because of you, Lance. That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ... pushed me into doing it. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you."
I had become so swept up into the moment, I finally caught my breath. "I'm happy for you."
He scooped a huge portion of whipped cream and shoved it into a monstrous grinning mouth. A little got on his upper lip. I touched my lip indicating that he had some. His tongue explored his lip trying to get it. The only other people in the place had just left. I darted to his side and kissed it off his lip. Then I returned to my chair, smiling.
"Oh, Lance. Wow. I never would have expected this. To ever hear from anyone in my family again ... wow."
His delight made the banana shake seem even more delicious.
By the time he finished his dessert, he had gone a little quiet. I figured he was just reflecting on family.
"I'm taking advantage of you, Lance," he finally said.
"What? How? That's impossible. Aside from a milkshake, I've never received anything from you."
"I'm not being fair. You're probably just trying to forget about ... Trent? ... but I should never have kissed you in the first place. It's not fair."
"I liked it. I've kissed you back, remember?"
"That's the problem. We've done it a few times. What if you want more? I can't give you more. I – I – I am not going to be what you need."
"I don't understand. What are you talking about?"
"What if you ever wanted to ... you know, go further? Eventually ... you know, sex. And I'm not asking for that or expecting that or saying we are going to do that — we're just friends — but ... IF ... that ever became a possibility, ... I can't. To me, sex equals alcohol, alcohol equals sex. They are one and the same in my world. If you ever needed ... wanted ... more from me, I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk slipping back to drinking again. And so ... I'm sorry. They tell you not to get involved when you're starting. I didn't really expect to start anything — not that we're anything — but I just don't want to take advantage of you."
"You're not." That was heavy. "But thanks for being honest."
"Besides, I wouldn't be right for you in bed anyway."
"Oh really?" I said with curiosity. "And just how do you know what I might like in bed?"
"Oh, well, I mean, I could easily take your cock in my ass. That's no big deal, but ...
Steve and I were both sophomores at W. Travis. I hadn't done anything at college with a guy since Peyton last year. Except look. I looked at a hundred of them. Steve and I were rookies on the basketball team. We had both just made it. Every now and then when we were showering, I saw Steve glance at me. I would see him get slightly hard and immediately change the water to freezing cold. I often did the same. He noticed.
We had three weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas break. After one of our practices, the two of us went out for sodas. We were too young to get beer, but we just wanted to sip on anything. We sat on the patio. The night wasn't too cold, and there were heating lamps near a few tables. It was probably only 50 degrees, but slowly getting colder. We talked basketball.
"Hey, Lance. I ... was wondering ... if ..." Steve tried to say.
"Yeah?"
"Oh, never mind."
"Say it."
"Promise not to get mad?"
"Mad? Now I really want to know," I said.
"Your dick is really impressive."
I laughed out loud. "No. Sorry, that doesn't make me mad. It's a compliment, right?"
"Yeah." Steve went silent a moment. "I ... would like to see more ... of it."
Wow. It was the first time I was approached by a guy at the university. I went my whole freshman year totally convinced I wasn't gay. No one hit on me; I didn't bring it up with anybody. I was fine.
"Like ... where?"
"My roommates are both at a concert tonight. I know they won't be back until at least 11:00. We have more than an hour." He looked down. "If you want."
I wasn't gay. Why would I want this? I needed to say no. But we would just be fooling around. Just for fun. That's all.
"Okay."
We finished the sodas on the walk back to the dorms. My heart was pounding. I was so unsure. I hadn't been with anybody — any guy — since Peyton and only twice with Randall. I didn't know anything. Would I know what to do? Would Steve just take care of everything?
We left the lights off in the main room. Steve turned on the lights in the bathroom so just a little would shine into the bedroom. He had the bottom bunk. We both sat down on it. It was small, but we were close together as we reclined next to each other. Steve rolled onto his side and leaned in to kiss me. It was gentle. In the second kiss, I pushed back harder. He moved on top of me as we kissed for a couple of minutes. His finger went through my hair. I didn't want to do the exact same thing, so I let my fingers slide down the back of his jeans. I could get my hands in just enough to grip his ass.
He rolled off and took in a big breath of air. I could see him in the low lighting fiddling with his fly.
"Pull my shirt off," he said.
I reached down to the bottom of his shirt and lifted it up and over his arms. I knew from the shower that Steve had a little hair around his pecs. There was more around his navel. Dark brown.
"Take your shirt off," he instructed.
I did. I started unfastening the button on my fly. We both got out of bed and pulled everything off except our socks. We got back into the bed and both of us immediately reached for each other's crotch.
"You are so fuckingly, amazingly big," he said, staring into my eyes.
Steve's dick was harder than mine. His erection seemed unbendable. It bent upward so much more than my cock did. It was maybe six inches, but possibly a little less. It was like a torpedo. And it felt marvelous in my hand.
As we stroked each other's cocks, we resumed kissing.
"This feels good," I said into his mouth between kisses.
"Yeah."
We kissed some more. My cock started to throb. I wondered if I would come already. Thankfully, he let go. He rolled on top of me and started pushing his cock into my belly. He moaned as his rod rubbed my body. As his hips thrust, when he moved back, the head of my phallus poked his ass.
"Oh man," he said. "I can't wait. I want to suck you."
Steve moved his body down the bed and grabbed my monument. His mouth was on it. He could only swallow the first few inches, but the warmth surrounding my flesh was heaven. His fist gripped my rod and started pounded my shaft down to my bush as he continued slurping on my anatomy.
"Oh fuck, Steve. That feels so good."
The bunk bed creaked a little as we continued to squirm and adjust positions. There was light noise out on the street below the window, but nothing loud. My ears had focused on the sounds of our skin and each other's touch, our breathing and the sounds of moisture from our mouths lubricating anatomy.
The blood in my cock was pulsing through my erection. All the stimulation was raising my lust to a level it had never seen in college. My groin was in ecstasy. He did it for several minutes, and I fell into a glazed-over trance. The lustful sensations were like a drug.
"I'm close, Steve. You're making my cock feel so good."
I thought he would pull his mouth off. He kept sucking me. He sucked me harder while pounding my hard-on with more force.
"I'm gonna come," I called out.
He sucked me harder, and I shot into his mouth. He hummed and moaned as my cream was coating his throat. I moaned in my orgasm. He kept pulling and pulling long after I finished. I was spent.
I let out a groan that started loud and then trailed off.
Pulling his mouth off, he looked at me. "I loved that."
We switched positions. My bloodlust was still red hot, and I took his member in my mouth. I didn't use my hands for a while. I realized the longer I did it, the more I could take in my mouth.
Steve held nothing back. He wasn't loud, but he wasn't quiet. No words were necessary; I was doing a good job. I felt happy that I was doing it right. My head bobbed above his naked body. My tongue was wrapped around his flesh while my mouth moved up and down his cock. I took my hands and placed them next to his bush. I then ran them up his torso until I gripped the hair on his chest between my fingers.
"Oh yeah! Suck me harder. I'm close, Lance."
I somehow managed to put more vigor into my blow job. His hips squirmed below me. His dick was an anchor in my mouth as his body rocked in the fury of our male stimulation.
"Yes! Yes!"
I didn't feel like swallowing Steve's cum, so I took my mouth off and grabbed his cock and yanked on it like there was no tomorrow. Steve spurt sticky liquid into the air. One stream barely touched my chin. Most of it landed on his chest. It was more liquified than the thicker cream that I produced. Even in the dim lighting, I loved watching it burst from his cock. I could feel my own dick was rock hard again just by watching. I waited for the last drops to ooze from his penis. I let go and laid next to him. He turned to kiss me.
It was 10:45.
"I should probably get cleaned up."
Steve went into the bathroom. I laid there naked in his bed, thinking how much I liked it. He flipped the light on.
"Oh good, I can see it for just a little longer. Now in full light."
Steve kissed the tip of my cock. Then he gave me a light peck on the lips.
"Did you like it?" he asked me, looking deep into my eyes.
"Yeah. I like fooling around," I said.
"My roommates are both gone for the weekend. Want to spend the night tomorrow? You know, sleep with me?"
I nodded. I then got dressed and headed back to my dorm room.
—
The following night started off very similarly. Kissing. Shirts. Pants. Sucking. Then Steve changed it.
"I've always imagined what it would be like to have your giant cock in my ass. I have some lube. Will you fuck me?"
"Uh. I – I've never done that before. I don't know if I would do it right."
"You just find the right spot and stick it in."
He reached for lube out of a drawer. He pulled out a towel from below the bed.
"I've been fucked once before. With your dick, it should be amazing."
He laid on the towel and I watched him work lube into his hole. Then he coated my shaft until it was polished in a slippery sheen. He rolled onto his belly.
"Take it slow at first, Lance."
I fingered his hole for just a second to make sure I was lined up right. I put my masculine probe right there and slid the head in. Steve's body lurched. I took it out. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to, but I gently pushed it back in.
"Ow!" Steve screamed.
I was terrified. What had I done wrong?
"I – I'm sorry. I wanted to see what it was like, but I don't think I can. You're really big," Steve said, turning over. "Is it okay if we just jack off?"
"Sure," I said, not knowing what to say. I was confused and a little freaked out.
"What did you just say, Jakob?" I asked.
"I said I could easily take your cock in my ass." Then he looked awkward for having said that.
"How do you know?"
Jakob got very quiet. He leaned over the table and buried his face into his hands.
"What is it?" I asked.
He shook his head while keeping his face in his hands.
"I'm here. It's okay."
He took a gasp of air as he sat up.
"God, I have no idea what you will think of me." He saw I was only looking, not judging. "Lance, I've had so many dicks in me. Some have been big. But ... I've had other things ... put in me. Stupid dildos. One guy thought he was being a smartass and lubed up a cucumber and shoved it in my ass."
"Good lord. Did you want that?"
"Oh no. It's never what I want. It's always `You're paying small rent, just earn your keep.' I never mattered. So, after I was put through whatever they wanted, I would drink. More."
"I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to go through all that." I stared at the ceiling. "My God! You've been through so much."
"Which is why I can never be right for you."
"I'm not that way, Jakob. I would never do that."
"I know, I know," he said, nodding. "But would I still want a drink afterward?"
I reached for his hand.
"Besides, that's only half of it. You'd never want me. The whole me," he said.
I looked perplexed.
"Well, you're lucky enough to get up and tell the whole group how big a cock you have. I can't. I don't have a big dick. It's not big at all. You wouldn't be interested in me."
"Hey, don't judge me like that. Like size matters."
"Oh, it matters. How many porn movies show guys with small cocks?"
"I haven't seen a lot of ..."
"Magazines, movies, erotica ... it's always about guys who have huge cocks. Any TV show in which a woman is trying to put a man down, it's always a joke about his small penis. People chuckle, but it hurts when I hear it every time. It's what your born with, but people look down on you."
"No. I don't think ..."
"Stop," he said. "I can't tell you how many times I heard a guy fuck me with some huge object or a big dick and say, `You can only dream of having something this big, you short-dick runt.'"
"You have got to be kidding me." I was in disbelief at what my friend had been forced to endure. I squeezed his hand tight. "That is NOT me. Please don't ever think I would treat you that way."
"I know, Lance. You've been so kind." He looked me in the eyes. "Remember my share?"
I did. I recalled he said no one ever cared what he thought. Wow. That had been taken to extremes. No wonder my simple gestures seemed so kind.
"I like you, Jakob. I like our time together. I mean, some of the stuff is pretty hard to hear, but ... there is a lot of niceness under the pain. No one should have to put up with that abuse. I will never do that. I like you. I like spending time with you. You are honest with me. Trent and I don't hold anything back. Neither do you."
"Well. I don't have a lot of good qualities, but I'm not a liar. Mom and Dad always taught me to tell the truth. Clearly, I did ... and they kicked me out. But, thanks, Lance. I like you too. I don't deserve a friend as nice as you."
"You deserve so much more than you know."
"I doubt it. Maybe," he said softly.
"I'll ask you something. It's completely okay to say no," I quietly noted. "I'd like you to share my bed tonight."
"Like I said ..."
"Hear me out. How about we just share the bed. No sex. Just ... being together. A real bed."
He stared ahead but looked at nothing. He thought.
"I wasn't ... I don't know if ... Lance, that might be too risky for me."
"I understand. Only if you want. But, just sharing. That's all. Nothing more. I like being held if you feel comfortable with that."
"You'll want more. Lance, I don't think we should risk it."
"Okay. I understand. If you're not ready." I looked down at my empty glass. "I – I just wanted to let you be in a real bed."
He looked blank. "A real bed," he mumbled.
"Yeah," I softly returned. "No sex. Just ... sleep. In a bed. Not in the shelter."
After thinking on it for a few minutes, we talked about how it would work in terms of getting to our jobs. That would be easy enough.
Jakob got his car and drove me home. I left my bike chained near the city center. It was 10 o'clock when we got to my apartment. Either Evan was out or had turned in for the night in his bedroom already. We quietly went to my bedroom. As we walked in, I realized it was kind of messy.
"Sorry. Let me pick up a few things."
"Lance, you don't have to do that. But can I ask a favor? While you fiddle with that, can I take a shower?"
"Yeah, of course."
I got Jakob a fresh towel and one of my T-shirts. He left the door cracked a couple of inches, and I tried to make the room a little more suitable while he showered. That was a lost cause. I just didn't want it to look dirty. Five minutes later, I heard my hair dryer. I figured he was done.
Jakob came out looking clean and perhaps slightly cheerful. He was not as tall as me. He had dark brown hair, some of which was on his chest. Despite saying what he has been eating, his body was still trim. I feared it was just from a lack of food period.
"That was nice," he said.
"I can't imagine what that shower looks like," I said.
"Think of where I shower now."
"Yeah."
"Well, I'll shower before heading to work tomorrow." Having just had dessert, I wasn't hungry, but I offered him something. "Do you need anything? Water? Juice? Anything to eat?"
"I never have anything at night, so I'm okay."
I ran to the kitchen for a moment. The apartment was still completely dark. I returned with a bottled water.
"Just in case you need something."
I pulled off my shirt and took off my shorts. I wore only my briefs to bed. Jakob kept my T-shirt on, and only had briefs of his own left. I had a nightstand on both sides of the bed, so he placed his water on the one closest to the bathroom. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
"Oh, I don't have that. Might you have some mouthwash?"
"I do."
We spent a couple minutes in the bathroom. I took a leak in front of him. I hit the bathroom light as we re-entered the bedroom. I turned on a lamp and turned out the overhead light. We slid into bed. I tried to remember the last time I washed the sheets. And couldn't.
"Wow. This feels nice," Jakob said. "Ahhh."
I couldn't imagine how something as simple as a bed could be so impactful. I was an emotional wreck. I felt compassion for his plight, outrage at what he had suffered, contentment for being a helpful friend and a fondness for this new person I had come to know. Much to my utter surprise, sex wasn't on my mind at all. I wanted him to not sleep in the shelter. But I knew it was just one night. That's not a solution. What if the advice is right? What if we shouldn't risk such things. But we weren't in a relationship; we were just friends. I just wanted to help him. But was I?
As we lay there, I was a foot away from him.
"I do have one thing to request. I don't believe in sleeping with someone that I don't know their last name," I said.
"We are only sleeping." Jakob paused. "But it's Morgan."
"And I'm Lance Wheeling." I paused. "Are you okay? I mean, with all of this?"
"Yes. Thank you," he said. Jakob went momentarily quiet. "Lance, thank you even more for trusting me."
"What do you mean?"
"We've only begun to get to know each other. In most ways, I'm a stranger. You are taking a risk to trust me in your home. What if I was a thief or a serial killer?"
"Are you a thief or a serial killer?"
"No."
"All right then," I said before giving him a quick kiss.
"But ... it's still a risk. Thank you for trusting me."
My hand locked fingers with his.
"Thank you for trusting me," I said back. "I'm glad I've gotten to know you, Jakob."
I reached over to turn out the light.
"Good night," I said.
"Uh ... yeah. Good night."
I had let go of his hand, and we laid there in the darkness. Neither of us touched each other in any way.
After a minute, Jakob said, "Lance?"
"Yeah."
"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do."
"I don't understand."
"Is there something you want me to do?"
"I only want what's best for you."
He chuckled. "Any idea what that is?"
I also chuckled. "Whatever you want. I do like to be held. If you are comfortable with that, I'd like it. But if you aren't, I'm just very happy knowing my friend is in a real bed."
Jakob slowly rolled over and put his arm around me.
"I like that," I said.
"Me too."
Then it was quiet. Ten minutes later, I heard, "Lance?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I kiss you good night?"
"I'd like that."
I turned around toward him and leaned in. Our lips pressed together. I pulled back, not sure how much he wished to do. Jakob's hand gently touched my face and pulled me closer. We kissed for a minute.
"You're a very nice man, Lance Wheeling. Good night."
I rolled back over, and he put his arm around me. My cock was a hammer, but I was okay leaving it alone.
"Lance, I think AA discourages newcomers to get involved in relationships," he quietly said. "They would probably frown on this."
"We're just friends," I said, thinking that didn't sound completely accurate. We were silent a moment. "Friends who kiss."
I could feel his face lightly chuckle into my neck.
It felt nice having someone next to me. It had been a while. I loved sex; no question about that, but that wasn't what tonight was about. I was so happy Jakob was in a real bed. I couldn't fathom what those emotions would feel like. It was so easy to take for granted the simplest of life's luxuries. I had never thought about such things before. In my entire life. What would I feel? Hardly having slept in a bed for eight years. My bed probably felt amazing. His arm around me became heartwarming in a way I had never felt.
—
I woke up first. It made me feel good knowing Jakob had a good night's sleep. His arm was still around me. I was okay laying there. I liked being held.
After a few minutes, I knew I was going to need to pee soon. I held his hand and rolled under his arm so that it was still laying across me as I laid on my back. I placed his hand on my chest and held it there.
He eventually stirred. We turned our faces to each other and gave a peck on the lips. "Morning."
He became aware of his hand touching my chest. His fingers slightly moved as my hand pressed his further into my skin.
"Are you okay? Did you sleep fine?"
"Yes. And incredibly yes," he replied. "I haven't slept next to anyone in months and months. Lance, I haven't slept next to anyone I've cared about in years. So, yeah, I'm okay. Thank you again for trusting me."
"I should probably get up and shower," I said.
"Okay."
Before letting me go, his hand left my chest and gradually traveled down to my briefs. I had morning wood. His hand gripped the entirety of my erection.
"Man."
He then pulled back and let me go into the bathroom. Within the steam created by the hot water in the shower, my dick felt red, but the morning erection gently faded. I was aware of the scent of my shampoo as I lathered up my hair. I knew I took all this for granted.
When I opened the door to come back into the bedroom several minutes later, he was fully dressed. I had a towel wrapped around my waist.
"Would you like to shave?" I offered.
"Do you think I should?"
"Only if you want to. I ... I just didn't know ... if you had opportunity to."
"I've always kind of liked the facial scruff," he said.
"Me too. Can I suggest we clean it up a bit? You know, give it some definition?" I said, running my finger under his chin.
Minutes later, I personally lathered his face, placing foam where I thought would help his appearance. Before he lifted the razor, I gave him a quick kiss, smearing dots of cream on my own face. He smiled at me. Shortly thereafter, he rinsed his face and looked at himself.
"Like it better?" I asked.
"I do," he said with a smile.
We both walked back into the bedroom. I walked over to the dresser and opened a drawer to get fresh underwear. I let the towel drop to the floor. I lifted a leg to start putting the briefs on.
"Lance? Can I see for a second?"
I slowly turned around. I stood naked before Jakob for the first time.
"Fuck. You will never want me!" he said in a self-deprecating tone. "But that's for the best, I suppose."
We got ready to head out. He looked down.
"Oh man! I should give you your shirt back," he said.
I walked over to him and kissed him. Deeply.
"I kind of like you in it."
We walked into the living room. Evan was sitting there.
"Oh. Hi. Good morning. Jakob, this is my roommate — and cousin — Evan. Evan, this is Jakob."
Only a few seconds of pleasantries took place and we left. He dropped me off at my bike before heading to the shelter. I made it to work early, happier than I had been in ages.
—
At lunch, I called Evan.
"Hey, Evan. I just wanted to explain that Jakob and I ... we didn't have sex. He just crashed with me."
"Lance, you don't have to explain anything to me," he replied. "A) It is none of my business. B) Whatever you do in your bedroom is up to you. I don't expect you to explain anything to me or get my approval or anything. You'd feel the same about me, right?"
"Yeah. Of course. Okay, thanks. But we didn't have sex or anything."
I'm not sure why I felt Evan needed to know that.
It's funny how much I thought about Jakob all day. He made me smile. I sometimes questioned if developing feelings for someone who is basically homeless is evenly remotely a good idea. There were a million reasons to push back, to not go any further with this. A counselor would tell me there are so many red flags. It could be disaster for both of us. But ... fuck. I loved the time I spent with him. Jakob made me smile. I was feeling things I hadn't felt before. Even when I fell for Trent, I didn't feel like this.
That afternoon I texted Jakob. "I enjoyed spending time with you. Lance."
A few minutes later, my phone buzzed. "Me too. How did you get my number?"
"Your letter was still on the screen after we got back from your parents' house. I copied it down before I deleted the letter. I'm sorry if you thought the incoming text was from family. I just wanted to touch base with you."
"That would have been nice, but I'm glad it was you."
—
I was looking forward to seeing Mike and Trent. I was in high spirits when Thursday evening came. We hadn't spent quality time together in a long time. I'd become busy with work and AA, it seemed like texts and occasional calls took the place of real human contact. I missed the guys.
Evan welcomed them at the door. Although we didn't own anything fancy, Evan made the table look nice with placemats and napkins folded elegantly. He had prepared a lemon chicken dish. I made roasted Brussels sprouts with parmesan crumbs and made long-grain wild rice. It was so different than the type of meals Trent and I would have in college. But I was losing weight, so that was motivation. I was proud to serve it. We started with a butternut squash soup.
"This is delicious," Trent said.
Mike also complimented the meal.
"Lance, you said over the weekend you wanted to show us something," Mike said.
I walked into the kitchen. I came back holding a new chip.
"I got my One Month coin last night. I've made it a month. I'm still at 13 pounds, but I'm trying to get down a few more."
"Congratulations, buddy! I cannot tell you how proud I am of you." Trent beamed looking at me. It felt amazing because I knew Trent meant every word.
"I feel better every day. I'm stronger, my wrist is getting better, I feel better without those pounds — and I have to thank Evan for some of that. He's a good influence."
"Oh, please," Evan said, refusing to accept any praise.
We all talked about work for a little bit. Mike was fine letting us carry the conversation because he was glad to be free from it for two more weeks.
"You should have seen Mike two weeks ago," Trent joked. "I was in another room, and I heard him scream. I rushed out to see what was wrong, and he was staring at the TV. It was the first `Back to School' sale he saw advertised."
We all laughed.
"It was too soon. They always start too soon. Those ads are like daggers."
"You're a good teacher. I'm sure you miss being with students," Trent said.
"Some. But having some free time — and down time — is a rejuvenating thing. Teachers need it. August is always tough."
We cleared the table. No dessert. Evan was a good influence on me. I asked Mike if I could talk with Trent privately. I needed to share. He agreed, and Trent and I took a walk.
"I asked Mike if the two of us could speak privately. Mike's great, but you and I ... I can tell you anything."
"Absolutely. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. But I'm being thrown a curveball. I told you I was kind of interested in someone."
"Yes, you did. Is it going well?"
"I'm not sure. Actually, it is, but ... there is a wrinkle." I hesitated. I was worried Trent was going to think Jakob was a bad idea. What if he tried to talk me out of being friends with Jakob. I was scared that Trent would disapprove. "We slept in my bed last night."
"Okay. What's the wrinkle? Is he no good in bed? Is he bigger than you? Wants it too much?"
"We didn't have sex."
"Oh." Trent got silent. "I'm not sure what to say."
"His name is Jakob. He's in my AA group."
"I see," he said. I could tell Trent was scared of that whole idea. "I might remember him from your first meeting. Is he the one ... who ... didn't have a bed?"
"Um. Yeah. He lives in the shelter," I said.
"Wow. I ... I don't want to judge anybody, buddy, but do you think he is right for you? That is a bit of a wrinkle."
"That's not it. He associates sex with drinking — his past was rough. He's afraid to take it too far; he doesn't want to relapse."
"Okay, that's a big fucking wrinkle. What are you going to do? You're Mr. Sex All the Time."
"Nice. Swell," I said sarcastically. "But ... I know. I'm really taken with him, Trent. There's something there. I can't wait to see him again. That has to mean something, doesn't it?"
"It sure does. You're falling for him."
Trent was in thought. I could tell he was thinking through everything. If my best friend was against this, what would I do?
"Lance. You know I love you. So much. But I'd be lying if I didn't say the situation didn't concern me."
"I understand. I sometimes have my reservations too."
"But. Now that I just heard you say that out loud, how many people had reservations about Mike and me? And we're awesome. As long as you are careful, I can be supportive. And I am always here for you. Always. No matter what."
"C'mere."
We stopped walking, and he gave me a simple kiss.
Back in the house, we sat down in the living room. Evan had some peach tea for all of us. As the token straight guy in the room, he still made for a great host.
"Now that I have the One Month chip, I am not sure what to do with this one," I said, looking at the 24-hour chip. "It was five days, so it wasn't just 24 hours. It was kind of a welcome thing. I wonder if I should just trash this."
"May I keep it?" Mike asked. "It means something to me."
"It does? I mean, sure, if it does, then ... yeah."
"I know where I can put it. It was a turning point for you, so it means something to me. And if you ever want it back, I'll have it."
I stared at Mike for a long time. I was moved by this gesture. I'm not sure why. I walked to Mike and handed him the chip. Mike slipped it in his pocket. I leaned forward and gave Mike a quick kiss on the lips. I realized that it was the first time Evan saw me kiss a man. It would turn out to be Trent's boyfriend, of course. Evan didn't bat an eye.
They stayed a little longer. As they got ready to leave, both Mike and Trent told me how good I looked. They thanked the both of us for a lovely evening.
—
Trent and I met for lunch the next day. He complimented me again on my weight loss.
"You are looking so good! I'm so impressed. And look at you! You ordered the salad and I have the queso-covered chimichanga."
"You run every day, Trent. You look fine. You always look handsome."
"Thanks, buddy. I don't have a gym membership. That's really a plus with your job."
"It is. I think I get this brace off in just over a week. I'll still take it easy, but I'll do more. It will be nice to swim and do a few more of the machines."
Trent just smiled at me.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"I. Am. So. Happy. For you." he said. "Just two months ago I was scared out of my mind for you. And now you are amazing. Healthy, sober, trim ... you just have a glow. Something tells me this first kiss is developing into something."
"Nothing beyond kissing yet." Lance smiled. "But it's nice to be liked."
"I hope it works out the way you want. You deserve to be happy."
That's easy for him to say. As much as I am taken with Jakob, just looking at Trent reminds me that if I had just admitted I liked men sooner, we might have been sharing every day together. He will be my soulmate as long as I live. But I can never picture him without Mike.
"Can I tell you something about Mike?" he said.
"Spill."
"He has this bowl on his dresser. It's beautiful, blown glass — it's nice. He keeps special things in it. Most are private, but each has something meaningful in his life. When he needs a lift, he looks at the things in his bowl. I gave him something for his birthday — small — and I smile every time I see it in there. When we agreed after graduation that we wanted to make it work, he wrote a list of reasons why I'm the one for him ..."
That hurt a little.
"... and he keeps it in there."
"I'm so jealous of you two."
"Anyway ... your 24-hour coin is in there."
"Why? That's something from my life. Why would it mean anything to him?"
"Mike likes you. It was a struggle when your drinking starting disrupting things. I think that chip is a sign that you turned your life around. It was a starting point. He's really proud of you. I saw him occasionally looking at it as he got dressed; he'll touch it. It makes him smile."
"Give that man a kiss for me! A big, fucking, sloppy kiss for me."
"We're always here for you."
"Love you, buddy."
We were halfway through our meal.
"How are things with Dad?" I asked.
"Not!" He sighed. "The same. Silence. I thought I might at least get an occasional text from Mom, but nothing yet."
"I hate that. It's not fair. At least you have a bed." I realized that last comment would make no sense.
"What?" he said, looking confused.
"Nothing. Never mind. I didn't intend to say that."
When we got out of Trent's car, we gave each other a kiss on the cheek as we said goodbye. I realized two things. I'm gay, and I didn't care who saw me do that. I admit it. It's the truth, and I was fine with it. I also realized that since Jakob kissed me, even though I will always long for Trent, it didn't hurt so much when he left now.
* * * *
As always, more info is available at the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com
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