Hi, I'm Lance Chapter 34
If you have followed Lance and Jakob in their recovery, I hope Hi, I'm Lance has meant something to you as you have journeyed with them. I know I have enjoyed sharing it with you via the Nifty platform.
This is the final chapter of Hi, I'm Lance.
Meeting No. 130 October 27
"Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Lance," the group replied.
"Jakob and I went more than a week without a meeting on our honeymoon. We were in such a happy place. But when we returned, we knew we needed one. You folks are our support group. You have been for a year and a half. We appreciate you. Which makes this so hard.
"This is our last meeting. Well, here in Jackson Bend. We move to Von on Saturday."
My lip quivered. My voice broke. Saying those words wasn't easy.
"We will miss you. Many of you have become good friends."
O winked at me, even though she was really crying. Cooper was too.
"I hope you know how important you people are to us. We're only an hour away if you ever want to come visit. We'll be thrilled to see you. Please, please know we will miss you.
"I don't think I can say anything else without falling apart. So ... thank you."
The group clapped. And sniffed. I wiped my left eye as I returned to my seat.
"Hi, I'm Jakob. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Jakob," the group replied.
"Lance kind of said it all, but I felt I needed to say it out loud too. We are trying to plan to come back at least once a month, but please do feel free to come our way. We don't know much about the town, but once we figure it out, we'll be happy to show you around."
The group mildly chuckled.
"For several years, my life was filled with so much trash. Alcohol, an unfeeling family, pitiful jobs, lots of alcohol and ... people who I thought were my friends but weren't at all. They were nothing like you. You all are ... amazing. I love so many of you, and — like Lance said — you are so important. Please don't forget that. Know that you are an important person. Each of you.
"We have our address after the meeting if anyone would like it. Just plug it in the GPS and come see us.
"I will really, really, really miss you.
"Thank you."
The group clapped. And cried a bit. I felt sorry for anyone who wanted to share after that. No one did. We tried to make sure we were the last because we didn't want to suck all the compassion out of the room.
We helped put away the chairs. For the last time. Damn.
Our coffee group was the largest yet. I was glad. I wanted to visit more. We pulled a few tables together so that we could feel as one. Jakob and I kind of felt like we should sit near the middle. Not that we felt the need to be the center of attention, but it was our farewell, so...
"It's only an hour's drive," said Richard. "You can always come back here for a meeting you know."
"We do," said Jakob. "We'll try."
"What's the name of your store?" asked Sandy.
"It's Visions, just like here."
"I wanted to call it Jakob's Ladder," I said. "But the owner kind of liked keeping the name he came up with. Imagine that."
"Right, I'm just the manager, not the owner," Jakob said.
"However, Marshal has made Jakob 10-percent owner. He feels if Jakob reaps some of the profits, he will steer the store in the right direction," I said. "I know he'll be great."
"I should be scared, but I feel good about it. I feel prepared. We open next month on Black Friday. I start interviewing in a week."
"What's your house like?" Ophelia asked.
"It's not huge ... but three bedrooms. So — like we said — we'll have a guest room. The third we're making into an office. Jakob will have some free space to work on displays if he wants to do some work at home."
"And your job?" Janine asked.
"Pretty much what I do here. I just have the title of manager in Von. It's a promotion, so between the two of us getting a little more pay, we opted for a house. I'm a bit nervous about that, to be honest," I said.
"Ah, young love. Young homeowners," Richard smiled.
"Congratulations you two," Cooper said. "I'm so glad to have been here on your journey. You guys are awesome together."
"We're glad we've been with you on yours as well," said Jakob.
We talked for quite a while. No one really wanted to say goodbye. We admitted we eventually had to, so we got up. We hugged and cried. There were a few kisses, and we hugged some more. Ophelia gave me one last wink.
And we all went to our cars. And my heart was shattered.
—
Trent had been bawling off and on all morning.
"Buddy, we're only going to be an hour away," I said, trying not to join him.
"It's not the same."
I knew he was right; it wouldn't be.
"What's going on?" Trent asked me. Graduation was over and I was terrified. He saw I was a wreck.
"I can't say goodbye to you," I said.
"What do you mean? We'll see each other tomorrow."
"And THEN what!!!?" I screamed.
"Oh. Uh. Well. Buddy, we won't be far from each other. We're bound to get together every now and then."
"What if we don't??" I said, starting to sob. "What if we don't? I don't want to say goodbye."
I buried my face into his shoulder. I started crying. I knew the beer wasn't helping, but I knew what I felt.
"Buddy, buddy, buddy. You're letting your fears run away with you. We're always going to be friends."
"I love you, Trent. I can't say goodbye," I said mixed with tears.
"I think a lot of this is the beer talking," he said. "You're getting worked up when you don't need to be."
I slouched over and put my head in his lap. Part of my beer spilled. He put his hand on my shoulder. He stroked my arm. I was close to a panic attack. If Trent went away, I didn't know what I would do. I loved him so much. I had never felt this way about anyone. In just a few months we had become so close. If he moved away, I would never see him again. Once we all moved from campus, how often would we see each other? I was spiraling and knew it. I just allowed my mind to get sucked into the vortex.
"I've been scared about this for weeks. I don't want to lose you. How will I get another best friend like you?"
"You're not losing me. We'll keep in touch. As we begin our careers, we're bound to meet new people and have different social circles. I'm sure you'll make great new friends."
"They won't be you. You and Mike will have your lives, and I'll have ... nothing."
"Again, beer talking."
I turned on my back, still resting my head on his leg.
"I watched you and Mike last week. You two have everything. You're everything I want, Trent. I wish you were starting your life with me."
"That's ... sweet, buddy. But ... we can't. I'm committed to Mike."
"I know. I just wish we could have ... started our friendship a year or two ago."
"Would you have been willing to admit you're gay then? Could you kiss me in front of friends?"
"I don't know. Just saying the word `gay' terrifies me. I just know I love you."
"Lance ..."
"And don't think I'm talking about sex. I'm not. Granted, I'm dying to take your cock out and suck it like there's no tomorrow, but I'm ... not talking about that. I just love our time together. I love you."
I had probably freaked Trent out. The drinking and the outpouring of emotion had to trouble him. I was being torn apart. College was done. Done! I was about to be myself. It all consumed me. I was petrified of the future.
"I know. How many friends — guy friends — can really say that to each other. I'm closer to you than any friend I've ever had. I love you too. But, you know, I'm IN love with Mike."
"I know, which means I have to say goodbye, one way or another."
We sat there as the last glimmer of twilight faded into darkness. I grabbed Trent's hand. Neither of us said anything. We sat for 10 minutes in silence.
Evan told us goodbye and hugged each of us.
"I'll come see you," he promised. "I'm sorry I have to go to this work thing."
"It's okay," I said. "We'll be on the road ourselves shortly."
"Still plan on just keeping our room as a guest room?" Jakob asked.
"For now. I'll find some second-hand furniture. Financially, I'm okay. I think. If not, I'll find a roommate."
Jakob squeezed Evan like a boa constrictor. "Thank you. Thank you for sharing this place with me. You always made me feel welcome."
"I've learned to love you these past months. I am glad you are officially a relative (of sorts) now. You and Lance have inspired me in so many ways. You have no idea."
I reached for Evan for one last hug before he got into his car. He gave a final wave to the four of us through the windshield.
Trent cried some more.
One by one, I saw my things being loaded. Jakob only had a few boxes of things. Once the movers got the furniture pieces in the truck, we loaded several boxes in front of them.
Mike was holding Jakob from behind as the doors on the truck closed. Mike's beard was pressed against the side of Jakob's head. We watched the movers lock it up and got ready to make our own 60-mile drive to our house in Von. We could drive faster than it could, but we knew we didn't have long to loiter.
"Let me know when your play is done, Trent. I'd like to read it," Jakob said.
"It's getting there. Mike and I are actually writing one together too. I'm loving doing that. It's a comedy, but it will still have some dramatic parts. After today, I know the feelings I want to pour into it."
Mike held Jakob tighter.
"We'll come see you every month," Jakob said. "We promise."
"Friendsgiving is just a few weeks away," I said.
"Can we plan something for New Years?" Mike interjected.
We all nodded. Trent had started crying harder again. I couldn't hold back, and the tears just poured.
"It really IS only an hour away," Mike said, watching the two of us.
"I can't believe you are doing this to me," Trent sobbed.
"Remember at the university when I broke down after graduation. Think of all the things you said to me then."
"That doesn't count. I'm hurting this time!" He laughed and cried at the same time.
The night before, the four of us had eaten out. I needed one last night at Parma Sean's. Our college pizza haunt held so many memories for me. The place would be just one more thing I would miss about Jackson Bend.
We all let go and stared at each other. My mind was racing. Like someone in a car crash seeing their life flash before their eyes, I saw Trent's and my life these past two years. We had been through so much. We grew together. Matured together. Succeeded together. I would always love him. I was lost, just staring at his face.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
I unzipped my shorts. I pulled them down and my dick hung out. It hung for only a moment as it started to stiffen. My head was leaning into Trent's chest.
"Buddeeeee, what are you doing? You know I can't ..."
"I know you won't do anything," I said, slowly stroking my cock. "Just hold me. I'll take care of myself."
Trent and I had jacked off on occasion. He and Mike had resumed their relationship following graduation. He wasn't going to be with me. They were a couple, and he was committed to that. Our friendship remained intact regardless. We didn't hold anything back. This could have been my last moment to feel close to him. It's not like he hadn't seen my dick before. He had fucked me. Twice. We were so comfortable together. I hoped he was as comfortable with me as he was with Mike.
I alternated my stimulation, first on the last few inches of my dick with just my index finger and thumb. Then I diverted my efforts at the base with my whole fist, then just my thumb and index finger at the very bottom.
I liked being with Trent. I could be very personal with him. Why did I feel that comfortable? Did that mean I was gay? Trent thought I was. Surely, I wasn't. How did you know?
"Ohhh, Trent. I'm glad you're here. It makes this feel better."
I stroked the entire length — more than eight thick inches — with a muscled grip. He watched me while I pleasured my flesh. I thought I could feel his cock pressed into my back. It seemed hard, but I wasn't sure. He had a nice dick, regardless.
"Tell me about you and Mike. What's he like?" I said in heavy breaths.
"That's private. It's between us," he responded.
"Tell me. What about him turns you on the most."
"I like his chest."
I stopped rubbing my cock and maneuvered my body up a foot closer. My head was now next to Trent's chin. He could whisper in my ear.
"I love running my fingers through the hair on his chest. It makes me harder than all get out."
I returned to stimulate the last few inches of my dick. My erection seemed very red. My strokes screamed for lube, but it was too late for that. I was groaning. I had crossed that line of being able to stop, even if I wanted to do. He listened to my heavy breathing mixed with moans as I struggled for oxygen.
"Tell me more."
"When he comes, I love watching it mesh into the hair on his chest."
"Oh, God," I said, now stroking my full length.
"If I don't lick it off him, I love smearing all his cum into the hair. Sometimes when we come together, I like to smear my cock into all the cum mixed together, tangled in his hair. If I rub my balls in it too, my entire crotch is sticky with our love."
"Oh, man. Oh God."
I pounded my pole like an oil pump on fast forward. I howled like an infant who needed to be picked up. The pleasure in my crotch was causing me to buck my hips. Trent knew I was getting close. He reached down with both hands and pulled my shirt up out of the way of my oncoming orgasm.
"More!"
"Tuesday night, I came all over his chest before I left. He laid there for more than a half hour, letting my cum rest on his chest. He didn't clean it off until I got home."
"Oh fuck!! I'm coming!"
I wasn't fully aware, but Trent shoved his erection into my back. My cock exploded. Cum landed on my chest. It was thick and pearly white. It was sticky and gooey. He pulled my shirt up another couple of inches. My cock fired one last shot, and then the last of my semen dribbled just above my navel.
I grabbed his hand again. I held it for a long moment. I wanted to have that moment with Trent that he had with Mike. I pulled his hand down into the ejaculated liquid near my navel. I spread it through all my semen.
"You nut," he said. "Why did you do that?"
"Holy fuck. You make everything hot, Trent, even when you don't participate."
"Let me TRY to get out of here to get you something to clean up," he said with a bit of a scolding tone.
I leaned up, and he wriggled his body out. He grabbed a wet washcloth out of the bathroom and tossed it to me. I started to wipe cum from my chest. I knew his hand had been in it. It connected us for just a brief moment. He came out with a dry towel I had hanging so I could finish.
"Thanks, man," I said tucking my cock back into my shorts before drying off.
I acted like nothing had just happened. It was just a few minutes between friends. I wasn't gay; I was just a guy getting off. That was all. But I knew that wasn't all. I wanted to do it over and over and over. I had lost Trent. He and Mike would be together. I would love him forever and I lost him.
"Cool. Um. I'm going to grab a pair of underwear from your drawer."
"No need. I'm good."
"They're for me."
"What!!??"
"I came in my pants just after you."
"What!!??"
"Could you not feel my erection pressed into your back?"
I nodded.
"Watching you work, it was very arousing. When I saw you come, my cock just erupted. I'd prefer not to go home with a wet spot soaking through my shorts."
"Why didn't you fucking say something? Fuck, if I knew you were coming behind me, I'd still be coming right now."
"Whatever. You're a freak. But I still love you," he said walking into the bedroom.
I still loved him. He was my soulmate. The pain of being farther from him would be indescribable. I had to convince myself that it wasn't death. It was only 60 miles. But I missed him. I wasn't even in the car, and I missed him. I had to take a deep breath in. I needed air. I was trying to hold it together, but I wasn't doing a great job.
"What am I doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm looking at the best friend a person could ever ask for."
I jumped up, crushing my empty can and throwing it away. I went into the bedroom and grabbed the pillow off Trent's bed. I'm sure he had no idea what I was up to. When I returned to the couch, instead of sitting at the other end as we had been, I plopped his pillow on his lap and laid down with my head on the pillow looking up at him. I think I slightly startled him, but it was simple and innocent. He had been reclining on the couch, so I laid between his legs.
Mike and Trent had reunited following a pause in the spring. Even though they put things on hold, once Trent had reached the final weeks of college, they became an involved couple again.
"Do you think Mike will ask you to live with him?" I asked.
"Geez, that would be fast. I'm sure not right away. We hit the brakes weeks ago because things were moving way too fast. I don't see us making the same mistake."
"Hmm."
He sat silently for a minute. So did I, just resting my head on his lap. I grabbed his jeans and pulled his legs to wrap around me. It looked like some fully clothed wrestling maneuver.
"Lance," he started, then stopped himself. "Are we close enough that I can ask you anything?"
I tilted my head back so I could look up directly into his eyes. "Of course, buddy."
"I'm afraid of asking this, but you are my best friend, so I feel I should be able to ..."
"I'M your BEST FRIEND?!!" I yelled out bolting upright.
He jumped. I laid my head back down. I was overwhelmed by that comment. I never felt like I had a best friend at college. Wow. That blew me away. Firecrackers were exploding in my heart.
"What about Matt?" I asked.
"Well, yeah, he's my oldest friend. He's a great friend," he said. "But I don't see him that often. And ... I feel like you and me can talk about ANYthing."
"We can. What's your question?" I asked now holding my hand to his chest.
"I'm worried about you."
"Worried?" I said looking puzzled. "Why?"
"How much are your drinking a week?"
"I dunno. I just have it in my fridge."
How much is in there right now?" he pointedly asked.
I was quiet. I knew how much was in there.
"A full case of beer, and a few cans from a previous case."
"And when I left you Friday night, how much was there?"
I became uncomfortable. I rolled over and buried my face into the pillow. I couldn't lie to Trent. We could totally tell each other anything. I had come to feel so close to him. Wow. I was his best friend. Shit. Why did I feel like I needed to hide my answer?
"You sure you don't need us at the house?" Trent whimpered.
"Dad is there. He actually helped us with the down payment, but we should be able to pay back his part within a year once we start getting our new salaries."
"I'm happy for you. Hell. No, I'm not. I hate you. The gym won't be the same."
It was time. Delaying it only made the agony become total damnation.
Jakob hugged Mike very hard. They gave a quick kiss. Jakob stepped up to me and held my arm. I gave Mike a quick kiss too.
"I'll be here to help with Friendsgiving early that morning," Jakob told Trent. "Maybe if we get our place put together, you can come see it before then."
"Knowing you, it will be a showplace in about two days."
Jakob sniffed as he hugged Trent.
I grabbed Trent's hands. We stared at each other again. I gave him a really long kiss, then pulled back.
"I hate you," he told me.
"I hate you too. See ya."
We got in the car and started the drive to Von.
—
Between the wedding and the move, Dad had done his fair share of leaving home. We made great progress over the afternoon. The furniture was in place and both beds were put together. The one in the guest room was fairly old, but it was cheap enough and didn't look too bad. We could welcome people into our home. Boxes were everywhere. We had invested in a brand-new fridge. It wouldn't be delivered until Monday.
Our home seemed to be fairly well located. I was 10 minutes from work. Jakob's drive took a few minutes longer to get downtown. Neither of us thought it was much of a commute.
Our house was nothing fancy, but it was ours. It wasn't just rent. We would own it. I'm sure Jakob would make it look great. It was nothing huge. It wasn't as big as the house I grew up in. It was probably closer to Jakob's family's home. Three bedrooms. One of ours would make an office. For now at least. And we had a guest room. I thought about who might come. Trent and Mike were an automatic. They better come. My sanity hinged on still seeing them. I hoped we would still see Evan from time to time. Of course, Mom and Dad would have a room to be in if they came. Although the house didn't seem big, it was twice the space of the apartment, so that was something at least. Jakob was already talking about which room should be painted what color. Redecorating should keep him occupied for a while.
This would be a big change in salary for him. Really big. He seemed up for it. The difference for me was actually significant too. Going from assistant to being the manager was a big step up. I wanted to pay Dad back as soon as we could.
Even with furniture in place, it still felt like boxes made everything look like we hadn't even started. Jakob had been organized and at least had the boxes labeled by room.
The three of us were exhausted. We were ready to stop. Clothes could easily be put away later.
We found a place to eat. It was our first restaurant in Von, a Vietnamese place called Noodle Noodle. We all agreed the food was good enough to warrant a return visit. Until we really got our kitchen ready and stocked, we figured we would use a little wedding gift money to transition.
Dad picked up the tab. I argued.
"Dad, please. You spent the whole day helping us move. Let us treat you."
"It makes me happy to spend time with my sons. Indulge me. Don't you want me to be happy?"
"You already paid for our stay in Colorado. Imagine my surprise when they told me it was all settled when I pulled out a card. When they said Mr. Wheeling had taken care of it, I told them I was Mr. Wheeling. Then they got more specific. You didn't have to do that."
"Oh please. How many times will you get married in your lifetime?" Dad said.
"The correct answer is one," Jakob offered with a smile.
"Exactly," Dad said, pointing to him with chopsticks.
It was quiet a moment.
"I'm scared, Dad."
I was scared. Trent had left, probably to spend the night with Mike. I was alone in the college apartment for a few more days. I slept naked. I was the only one left in the apartment. I knew he was wearing a pair of my underwear. That made me hard again.
My fingers danced over my cock. I wasn't doing anything about it. I just became aware that Trent and I could never be intimate again. That was it. I had no one to spend my life with. I was going to be alone. I thought about getting another beer, but I didn't have the energy to get up. I just lay there scared.
"Don't be scared," Dad said. "You two will have new chapters your entire life. This is simply one of them. You will spend your whole life with each other. You found each other. I believe it is what the universe wanted. Your mother and I are sure glad you did."
"Thanks, Dad," we said at the same time.
I looked at Jakob. We smiled. He had family back. I was his family, and my family was his family.
Meeting No. 1 November 1
"Hi, I'm Jakob. With a K. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Jakob," the group replied.
"We're new here. My husband and I just got married a couple of weeks ago. I hope that ... isn't an issue with anyone. We're both starting new jobs here in Von. I have to open a new store by the end of the month. He started his job today.
"We're a little nervous. This move was a big step. We left a lot of great friends behind. We don't want to let go of them, but we know we need some here closer to home too.
"I'm not sure how much to share my first time here. My past is pretty ugly. I've been in bad situations. But living life sober has let me make the decisions I needed to. And meet the people who made me better. AA has been a part of my success.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Lance," the group replied.
"I'm Jakob's husband. Like he said. We're new here. It's a bit scary. We've both been sober about 16 months. For a fleeting moment I thought the two of us were really strong. We had come so far. In that instant, I thought maybe we didn't need to find meetings here. But I knew I was kidding myself. We are strong for a reason. We need to be here.
"This is the most alone I've ever been. Thank goodness for my hub. He's my rock."
My fingers reached up. I felt Jakob's gift around my neck. I wore the necklace to make a good impression on this new group.
"I started my new job today. The facility is nice, newer than the one I worked at in Jackson Bend. But I knew nobody. The staff ... the members — I have to get to know them all. Kind of spooky. Did I mention moving was a bit scary?"
I looked at a group full of strangers. There was no coffee, but there was a big bowl of leftover Halloween candy. Nothing was familiar. It wasn't the room we met in back in Jackson Bend. The walls looked different. The chairs were different. Nothing on the wall was familiar. I suddenly felt like my heart was beating too fast. And then my eyes locked on Jakob's. It was calming. His smile comforted me. Then I knew I was okay.
"My best friend was mad at us for moving. When we left the other day, he cried a lot. He always told me he loved me. That day he told me he hated me. I knew what he meant. He hated us for leaving. Before turning in for the night, I texted him to let him know that we had gotten everything moved into the house. He texted back that he loved me, like I didn't know that. He just wanted me to be sure."
The group here wasn't quite as big as our previous one, but this was our first meeting. We would have to try a few nights. We knew nobody. I was really scared. But I knew there had to be some friends mixed in here somewhere. We couldn't replace Trent, Mike, Cooper and Ophelia. We would just have to add.
"My very first share last year, I was kind of all over the place ... rambling. I guess that's tradition now. I'm not sure how long I've been up here. Again, I'm Lance. We're eager to be a part of Von.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Oh, and we are totally open to recommendations of pizza places."
* * * *
As Lance's story is now concluded, I encourage readers to take one last look regarding Hi, I'm Lance on the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com The post is "Hi, I'm Lance — The Final Chapter."
If you have enjoyed the story, it would mean something to me to hear from you: timothylane414@gmail.com
This story really resonated with me as I began crafting it a year ago. As I refined each chapter, it still moved me in so many ways all these months later. It has been rewarding to share it.
Book Four is Jakob's book. It is called Ascension: Jakob's Ladder. If you would like to be notified of when it begins posting in the weeks ahead, drop me a note.