Hi, I'm Lance Chapter 26
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Meeting 65 March 3
"Hi, my name is Jakob. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Jakob," the group replied.
"Things have picked up at my new job. The boss lets me do the displays in the window now. I have to admit, I love it, love it, love it."
I smiled from the audience.
"I now have a full week's hours. Sadly, that means I work very little at QT. Obviously the new job is really fulfilling and more of a `direction,' I suppose. But I still liked my coworkers at QT. I'm doing Tuesday and Thursday nights. That's still a little extra to save away. At least my managers there allow me that."
Jakob was still putting in close to 60 hours a week. He had never worked this hard before, but I could tell making some money had brought him confidence. I'm hoping in a couple of months that we can get him a new car. Well, at least a newer car. At this point, a used car is still probably the smartest.
"Next week will be ten months sober for me. I'm so glad the temptation has left me a long time ago. It's a matter of the right things and the right people in place. That helps make the right decisions.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Lance," the group replied.
"My best friend is having his play put on at the university this weekend. I saw him at the gym this evening just before coming here. He's so nervous.
"Last year, he came with me to my first meeting here. He held my hand. I was so scared then. Following a car wreck — yep, drunk — I completely imploded. It was as if I had no idea what to do each day I got up. I was terrified — work, who I was ... love. It took me a few meetings to muster enough courage to share. For those of you who know me ... yeah, can you imagine me being shy?"
A few lightly chuckled.
"It's funny that things that used to scare me don't anymore. Not that I don't have worries. But life is so much better when I'm not afraid. Afraid of what people might think. I'm sure I still have fears to address. It's good that alcohol isn't fueling them.
"It makes me ashamed that I developed a drinking problem so quickly. At the beginning of coming here, I just had to attend 10 meetings because of a court order. Once that was accomplished, I debated if I wanted to come back. At first, I thought I was fine. I'd be okay. And then ... the people here ... I knew they helped. A lot. I wasn't afraid anymore. Listening to their shares, I knew I wasn't alone. I never wanted to drink again because that would make me admit I was afraid ... and I was running from it, hiding from it. I imagine I am still the youngest one here tonight. In my first meetings, that made me so embarrassed; I was ashamed of it. Not now. It just lets me know not only am I not running from my fears anymore, I conquered them while I was still young. That makes me feel okay.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
Not many went out afterward tonight. Cooper came for a few minutes but didn't order anything. Ophelia joined Jakob and me.
"Sorry, I've got to dash," Cooper said. "Mitch and I still have some things to unpack."
"I'm glad you two are moving in together," Jakob said.
"Me too. Everyone seems to be happy. Except my ex. She is still pretty frosty around Mitchell."
"Do you think Corey picks up on it?" O asked.
"Probably. However, he's never said that she says negative things about him. Or me. I think she's trying to be a good parent on his behalf. We both don't want to churn up anything for him to have to contend with."
"That's good," she said.
We waved goodbye to Cooper.
"Since it's just us three, I have news," Ophelia said.
"Oh?" I said, intrigued.
"My ex and I are dating."
"WHAT??!" Jakob and I both screamed.
"I know!"
"O, that's fantastic. I mean, I think it is a great thing, right? I know you have sort of hoped for this."
"I thought it was a good idea. We started with lunch. Then we both went out with our daughter, Lydia. It was like a family. She's in junior high now, so we let her stay at home for a few hours in the evening. We've gone out to dinner twice."
"Wonderful," Jakob said. "Are sparks still there?"
"I think. We haven't ... well, you know, yet. Maybe soon."
"Don't rush anything," I said. "Make sure each step is right."
"Particularly with Lydia in the middle. I don't want to get her hopes up. I think she is happy we are going out though. What kid wouldn't want to see her divorced parents get back together?"
"If it's pleasant. I had friends in high school that were in some crazy, messed up homes," Jakob said.
"YOU were in a crazy messed up home. They kicked you out!" I said.
Jakob glared at me.
"Sorry, babe." I felt I had hurt him by insulting his family.
"No. You're probably right. Teresa and Keaton were normal siblings. Dad could get extreme." Jakob was quiet for a while.
—
Later in bed, I made sure I hadn't hurt Jakob's feelings. We held each other. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he said. "Sometimes you just don't want to face things right in front of you."
"Are you okay?" I asked Steve.
"I'm fine. Sometimes you just don't want to face things right in front of you."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't pretend any longer. I'm gay, Lance."
"Oh." I had no idea what to say. I thought we were just fooling around.
He had been holding me in bed. Last night was awkward. He couldn't take my cock. I thought it was my fault, but we still got off. It wasn't as good as the first time though. We slept okay, regardless.
"Um. I'm not. I just thought we were ... you know, getting off. I shouldn't have led you on."
"It was me that wanted you to fuck me. It's not your fault."
"Yeah. I guess."
I pulled away from him.
"I ... I think ... Lance, why don't you think you're gay? You kind of seem to be."
"No!" I got out of bed and started to get dressed. "I'm not!"
"Lance."
"No. Sorry, Steve. Don't put those thoughts in my head. I'm not gay. I don't want to be gay. It just, you know, felt good. That's all it was."
"I care about you. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Jakob. You're my world. I care about your feelings. I love you."
"Don't get too concerned. I'm fine. Sometimes you just have to look at what your situation is."
"Like Trent. He's putting his own life on the stage for people."
"How true-to-life do you think it is?" Jakob asked.
"I'm not sure. The three characters are based on emotions people he knows have had to face, him being one of them. I wonder how his dad is going to take it."
"That's kind of scary."
"What's scarier is what if we don't like it? What will we say to Trent if we don't think it's good?"
"Don't you think it will be?"
"Probably. Mike seemed impressed. But you never know. It could flop. I hope I hope I hope it doesn't though. It would kill me to see Trent's spirit crushed."
"The other two characters are based on people you know, right?" he asked in the darkness.
"Yeah. Tariq was on my basketball team. He and Amanda have been in love for a couple of years. She's white, he's Black."
"That causes problems?"
"With his family," I said. "His father and brothers won't accept her at all. I don't think they've said anything to her face, but I would think she would have to have picked up on it. I really don't know."
"Zach is the other one?" he asked.
"Yeah." I got quiet thinking about college. It seemed so far away now. I wished I had been a better roommate to Zach. "His situation was ... weird. I think Trent knows this situation better than I do — which is sad because he was my roommate. His dad isn't in the picture. He ... he doesn't feel loved. He is under the impression that his mother thinks of him as an obligation. He doesn't feel loved."
"That's sad."
"Did you feel that way ... you know, when your family asked you to leave?"
He sighed. I regretted asking him. All those feelings had to totally suck; I wished I hadn't brought them up. "Maybe deep down I knew they made the ultimatum because they loved me. They didn't want me to choose a life of sin. To go to hell, you know?" He rested his head on my chest. "I think in the months following, any sense of love evaporated away for me. They couldn't accept me because I was broken."
"You're not broken," I softly said into his ear.
"I know. I was just being honest with them. I had to have believed that at least Mom loved me."
"She did. She does."
We snuggled closer together. I played with Jakob's chest until I drifted off to sleep.
—
Jakob and I went out to dinner Friday. I wore my necklace that he had given me. We dressed a little nicer than we normally would. We wanted to look good for Trent. We had the cast party afterward too.
I was hoping Trent would shave off the beard for the opening. He didn't. I don't know why I didn't like it on him. I love it on Mike. I like Jakob with his scruff. It just made Trent look different. I don't know why that unsettled me. I guessed I just didn't want Trent to ever be different. I wanted him to be how I always pictured him.
We didn't have a chance to talk to him before the show, but we waved. He knew we were there. We held our hands up with fingers crossed.
The auditorium seated maybe a thousand people or slightly less than that. I noticed the seats looked slightly worn. I doubted that the fabric was the original; the university had been there too long. Jakob stared at them too, commenting that they should consider renovating in a few years. He stared around the auditorium. I got he feeling he was getting color ideas at what he would do if he could redesign the space.
The lights went down.
"Ohhh, honey, I hope this goes okay," I whispered to Jakob.
"Me too," he whispered back.
—
When the character based on Trent started confronting his father, I grabbed Jakob's hand. It was an intense scene. It was based on Trent's life, but there were some similar feelings that Jakob might feel. It was kind of hard to watch, even though the performance was very well done.
Intermission came. Trent was surrounded by people. He looked back to find us. We smiled and nodded our heads. We would wait to talk to him after the show.
"I think it's going well, don't you?" I asked Jakob.
"It's great. It's really emotional."
Tariq walked up. Amanda was with him.
"Hey, how are you two?"
"Good. I think the play is going well," said Amanda.
"Tariq, how are you doing with it? It's got to stir up a lot of feelings," I said.
"It does. I'm okay. Trent has written a very powerful script."
"Your rap fit in perfectly. You did a great job."
Tariq smiled. "Oh, thanks."
"Did you see your credit in the program?" Jakob asked.
"Of course he did," Amanda said. "I already have another one stuffed in my purse to give to his family."
I silently questioned if that was a good idea. Would Tariq's family appreciate seeing their son's name in the program or be outraged by the fact that they were portrayed so negatively on stage? They had not accepted Amanda because of her race.
Soon we took our seats for Act II.
The second act was 55 minutes. The closing scene hit Jakob. I could tell he was crying. He held my hand in the dark, but I could see him dab his eyes. I'm surprised it didn't hit me the same. It would have been like watching Tariq die. I guess I knew it was coming.
The lights came up with the cast at the edge of the stage. The crowd erupted. I was so happy for Trent. My heart was pounding so hard; I was so proud of him. Soon they had him up on stage to address the crowd. Jakob and I beamed from the audience.
Once the remarks were over, people crowded around Trent. We would have to wait our turn. That was fine. It was his moment, and I was thrilled for him.
Mike saw us and walked over.
"Looks like a success," I said to him.
"Indeed." Mike took a deep breath. "He was a nervous wreck."
"Yeah. Normally we would have done a gym session, but tonight had too much to prepare for," I said. "I was scared for him, but I should have known better. He's amazing."
"He is. My J.T. is very talented."
"I wonder how his father took it?" Jakob said.
The three of us watched as Trent's parents walked up to him. When Trent and his father hugged, we exhaled.
"Oh good," I said, as did another man a few feet away. We looked at each other.
"I take it you know Trent?" I asked.
"I've known him almost his whole life. I'm a friend of the family. Hi, I'm Dr. Robert Owens," he said, extending his hand.
"Owens," I said as I shook his hand. "Do you have a lake house?"
"I do."
"I'm Lance. This is my partner Jakob. We stayed in it with Trent and Mike over New Year's."
"Oh, yes. Hi. My wife and I just used the gift card you all gave us two weeks ago. It was a nice dinner out. Thank you."
"Your place is lovely," Jakob said.
Mike came over to introduce himself. All of us watched Trent happily interact with his parents.
"Thank heavens," Mike said.
We nudged our way closer. The VIP guests were slowly working to the party.
"Do we finally get some time with the superstar legend?" I asked.
Trent laughed.
"Part of me was glad you hadn't met me when you wrote it, and part of me was wondering how you would have played out my life," Jakob said. "It was amazing, Trent."
Trent looked at Mike. He looked at Trent, handing him a glass of champagne.
"You are wonderful, babe. I am so, so, SO proud of you, J.T. It turned out great." He leaned in for a fast kiss.
The cast party was great. Trent was showered with praise the whole time. I watched him smile and hug with so many people. I was so happy for him, but I wasn't involved with any of this. Maybe it was the beard; I felt like an outsider looking at someone ... "else."
Trent came over to me when he had a spare moment.
"I'm so glad this is over. I can breathe again. Thank you for being here. Knowing you and Jakob were behind me helped."
"Oh, please. Like you even thought about us for a second. So, do you feel good? I hope you feel proud, buddy. I know I'm proud of you."
We hugged. I gave him a kiss. He squeezed me again. "Love you, buddy," I whispered into his ear.
"I have to do this two more nights."
"Have to do it," I mocked. "You know you love it."
Jakob stepped over to join us.
"Once this wraps up, you and I need to talk wedding plans," he said to Jakob.
"I can't wait!"
"You're still liking the new job?"
"It's great. Every morning I ask if we can switch the station to listen to you on the radio."
Trent laughed.
"Can you believe it?"
"You're a star."
"Hardly. I think I had a brief moment of fame. But truth be told, I think Ed is close to retiring and the station probably wants some continuity after he departs, but that promotion was a big surprise. A little extra money too. Mike's talking about a new house. We might be getting close."
—
Evan was asleep. Jakob called out just enough to let me know he was coming. His cock was sliding around in the cum on my chest. His own warm semen added to the messy splotch. Now it was just masculine soup all over me. He kept pushing his dick into the slippery, sticky liquid while his breathing was still heavy. My hands tightly gripped his butt as he continued to writhe his hips into our passion. I let my middle finger probe his ass crack. He lowered his body to where he could kiss me.
"That was nice," I softly said.
"Yeah," Jakob answered. "I thought we'd be dead tired. It's nice we could celebrate the specialness of the night in our own way."
Jakob got a washcloth and a towel to clean me off. Both of us needed it actually. It was well after midnight. We were ready to turn in.
"When we met Robert tonight, you introduced me as your partner. That's the first time I heard you do that," Jakob said.
"That was okay, wasn't it?"
"Well, sure. It just had ... I don't know ... more of an importance than just boyfriend. I was touched by it."
We turned on our sides to face each other.
"Heaven knows you are important to me," I said. "I've come to think of you as more than a boyfriend. We've moved in together. I hope it doesn't scare you, but ... I don't ever want to love anyone else."
"The only thing that scares me is losing you," he said.
We kissed for another minute. Finally he rolled over, and I held him from behind.
"What would you think if Trent decided to write something based on your life?" I asked in the darkness.
"I don't know. After tonight, I know he would handle it well. It would be kind of an honor in a way. But I'm not sure I am ready to have the Jakob Show in the spotlight."
I hugged him closer to me.
"How about you?" he uttered back to me.
I laughed. "The idea is to sell tickets. No one would come to see my lame life."
"I would, angel. Every performance."
—
"Andrew called. He wants to know if we can join him for dinner," I texted Jakob.
"Sure."
We were able to sleep in until 8 o'clock that morning. Jakob got up first for a shift at Visions. I had stayed in bed. Evan and I had relaxed around the apartment for much of the day. After receiving the text, I started cleaning up.
Jakob got home shortly after 5. I told Andrew we would meet him at Bullfrog's at 6:30.
We sat down with our burritos.
"I wanted to talk to you guys before tomorrow," Andrew said.
"Uh oh. That sounds ominous. Is everything okay?" I asked.
"I think so. Tomorrow will be my last meeting."
"Why? You're not giving up, are you?" Jakob asked.
"No. I'm heading back home. I kind of want to start fresh. Getting away from here might do me some good."
"Please tell me you will find meetings there," I said.
"Already searched online."
"Good. Good. Wow. It's taken me a few weeks, but ... once I forgave you in my mind, I think I'm going to miss you, Andrew."
"That's kind, Lance. I knew you really hated me."
"I hated the old Baker. I could have hung on to that, or I could have chosen to help. Which would make me feel better?"
"Well, you did help. You helped Tyler too. That's why I wanted to have a moment to tell you how much I appreciate the both of you. You made me feel included. Otherwise, I really do think I would have ended it all."
"That's so scary. I'm so glad things are better," I said.
"I still have a lot of demons to live with for the rest of my life, but at least alcohol isn't poking them now."
"I will miss you, Andrew," Jakob said.
"You have our numbers. Call. Text. I'd love it if you could come back for Friendsgiving. Trent started it in honor of Tyler."
"Maybe. I'm not sure what that would stir up in me. But maybe."
"You should make sure to say goodbye to Ophelia too," Jakob said.
"We already had lunch today."
As we finished our meal, I could tell Andrew was better. I wasn't a therapist; I had no idea how long Tyler's death would haunt him. At least those sessions made me cope better with the situation. I'm glad I was able to go with Andrew for a few. He seemed to be making some gains. Maybe heading back home would help further.
We thanked him for asking to meet us. As I gave him a hug before we left, it brought home some things from Trent's play. Life can be very fragile. I'm not a person of faith, but I said a prayer that Andrew could make it okay.
—
Having been prepared the night before, Andrew's share didn't come as a shock. Following the meeting, several said goodbye to him. Andrew didn't get close to many in the group, but I was glad Cooper was there to say goodbye. Richard too. Those that knew him and had come to accept him hugged him a final time.
I doubted we would ever see him again. That made me sad.
* * * *
Look for the blog post: "Audience"
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