Hi, I'm Lance Chapter 24
For those that continue to support the story, this one isn't like most others. It's short. I hope it stands on its own.
Meeting 55 January 27
"Hi, I'm Jakob. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Jakob," the group replied.
"I started a new job this morning. Kind of. Well, it is a new job, but just part time. Because the holidays are over and there aren't as many weddings in the winter, I'm starting out a few days a week until things pick up in the busier months. So, QT was still super kind to work with. I'm doing both for now. The hours have put a bit of a hardship on my time with Lance, but he is very supportive. I'm thankful for that. He was the one who helped me get the new job in the first place. We'll see how it goes, but I think I'm going to love it.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Baker. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Baker," the group replied.
Ugh. Him. I wished he would come other nights. Or a different place. It's crappy that he chose this one that Tyler came to. What did he expect us to think?
"I'd like to say I'm doing better, but I'm not."
Good!
"I am trying to hold out though. For some reason, getting that One Month chip next week seems to be motivating me. There are times my body is screaming for a drink. Afterall, I had been a heavy drinker for quite a few years. If any drinks were in my place, I would have succumbed to it."
I knew that feeling.
"While, yes, I have made progress in that regard, I haven't with the rest. I still miss Tyler every day."
Yeah, we all do, you asshole.
"I – I – I'm just not sure if I'll ever stop feeling guilty."
Maybe because it is your fault that he took his life. Jerk.
"I'm not sure if it can get better. I'm trying to hold on.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
Whatever.
"Hi, I'm Ophelia. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Ophelia," the group replied.
"A good thing from me this week. I've loved my new job for several weeks now. I got a promotion. Things were great during holiday shopping. My boss has really taken a liking to me. With this, I think I can let the second job go and be fine just with this."
Now that was wonderful news. She deserved it.
"My ex has been pretty nice to me lately. My daughter told me he and his lady friend called it quits. That's a surprise. Not that I'm expecting anything to start back up with us. That would be a lot to forgive. But who knows?
"That's all. Thank you."
The group clapped.
It was a big group going out for coffee tonight. Eight of us. It was kind of nice. Cooper didn't share. I wanted to talk to him.
I guess we were close enough to Valentine's Day that chocolatey coffees were the thing. I wish I had learned to like coffee. I sat down with my raspberry tea. I had it made as a hot tea, perhaps to help me shake off the remaining effects of my cold. It just wouldn't 100 percent go away.
"Cooper, how are things?" I asked.
"With me and Mitch?"
I nodded. Others leaned in to hear.
"We're good. He has tried really, really hard to make it up to me. Corey is thrilled to see him again. Mitch is thrilled to see Corey. It was a rough patch for me, but I'm getting past it. Mitch said he loved me. My lease is up in six weeks. We've talked a little about moving in together, but we have not seriously discussed it. I need to make sure we are good — completely good — before we take that step."
"That's nice to hear," I said.
"I'm sure all this mess is why they encourage people not to date the first year of sobriety."
Jakob and I both put our hands on Cooper's arm. He patted them. Nothing needed to be said.
"Jakob, tell us about your new job," Richard said.
"I'm actually not sure. Today was the first day. I think my role with the customers is to assist them in creating spaces and designing rooms. Sure, we sell stuff. But we also have a lot in the back — fabrics, lace and a lot of wedding rental stuff. It's a lot. Eventually I will help people design the decorations for their wedding. This is a slow time, so I don't have a feel for it yet. But I did look at some of the items we had and started doing some pairings and was given a table to do a display. The manager loved it. So, I liked my first day at least. We'll see how it plays out."
"He's going to be awesome," I said.
"The sad thing is, Lance and I now only have Sundays together. At least QT worked to keep me on. To do that, they committed to a regular schedule. It's more work, but that lets me save a little more. I think I can keep up."
"You're over your cold, Lance," Sandy said.
"Barely. I'm ready for spring."
Baker didn't say anything. He listened but seemed to be in a trance. He's a weird-o. He just sat there and drank coffee.
"I connected with several old college friends recently," I said. "That was kind of nice."
Baker put his head in his hands.
"Baker? You okay?" Ophelia asked him.
"Sorry. No. Hearing about college ..." He sighed. "... Tyler just left his old friends to follow me here. Just one more thing I probably fucked up for him."
Probably. Creep.
"We were so in love when we moved. He took the leap along with me. We were good for a while. Our drinking just got out of control. It was partying at first. Then it was just around the house. We both got pretty bad, but I was the mean drunk. I had issues at work. I just kept pushing him away for some stupid reason." He took a deep breath. "I just wish he were here," Baker silently said.
"Well, he's NOT!" I screamed.
"Lance?" several members said, looking at me.
"He's not here. You made him feel like he had nowhere to turn. I hope you don't expect us all to just forget that."
"Hey, Lance ... maybe you ..." Jakob started.
"I saw the bruises! I know the crap you put Tyler through!"
"I know. You're right. I hate myself. Everything I did was horrible," Baker uttered.
"It sure was. Tyler didn't deserve that! You treated him like shit. Like he was nothing!"
"Lance!" O said.
"He's right," Baker said, tearing up. "I did treat Tyler like he was nothing ... when I was drunk. I loved him. But I was a lousy drunk. But that won't bring him back."
"No, it won't. Nothing can." I stood up. "What do you expect from us?!"
"You're right. It should have been me that died. I don't deserve to live." Baker was full-fledged crying now. "I called that hotline last night. It got me to today. But I don't know how much longer I can take it. I should just die. It should be me. It should be me!"
No one in the coffee shop said anything. The silence was just a matter of seconds, but it deafened me for an eternity. My stare met Baker's eyes.
"No." I froze. Baker got up to leave.
"No. No. No."
Here was a man talking about suicide and I was yelling at him. I grabbed his shoulders.
"No."
Here was a man going through hell every single day, and I was yelling at him.
"No. Don't say that."
Here was a man at the end of his rope and I was yanking it from him. We momentarily looked at each other in the face. His eyes locked with mine. I didn't even know I was crying until I felt a line of tears drip from my face.
"No!!"
I grabbed him and held him in my arms. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He held me. My body slightly shuddered, bearing the weight of my actions. We kept each other from collapsing.
The coffee shop remained deathly silent. People had stopped everything. I held Baker tighter.
"Forgive me. Andrew ... can I call you Andrew? ... don't say that. All of us made mistakes. That's why we're here. You belong here. We are here with you. Forgive me. I'm sorry. Forgive me."
Baker cried in my arms. I stood in horror that I had completely snapped. What had happened to me? If Baker had done something serious, I never could have lived with myself. I cried with him.
"I miss him too," I whispered in his ear. "But we're here."
We both sat down.
"Baker, have you talked to someone? I think a professional would help you a lot," Cooper said.
"What could they possibly say? I know the truth," he sniffed. "It's all my fault."
"Hey, you just got your One Month chip a few days ago. I saw you," Sandy said. "Just take it one step at a time."
"The only reason I have that chip is that there is nothing to drink in my place. If it were there, I would have been shit-faced every night. I'm strong enough in the daytime not to buy it. I crave it so much at night. My body almost shakes wanting to go buy some. I have a picture of Tyler near the door. I make sure I see it each time I go out. It keeps me from leaving at night. But even though I'm sober, it hurts so bad. Every day. Every night." He started gasping for air. "I – I – I – I don't know how to get better."
"Hey, how about you come home with me tonight," said Richard. "I'll be company for you. Crash at my place. You can get up in the morning with a fresh start. We can talk as much or as little as you want tonight. What do you say?"
"I don't know. I'm kind of a wreck."
"And I've been there. We'll make it through tonight." Richard softly placed his hand on Andrew's wrist.
I was moved by Richard's gesture.
We all kind of finished our beverages, but no one was really enjoying them. Richard and Baker started moving toward the door. We all wished them good night. We thanked Richard.
"Please forgive me, everyone," I said. I stared into the sea of eyes that were fellow members, my friends. "I'm not sure how I snapped like that. I'm so sorry." I buried my face in my hands.
A few people put their hand on my shoulder as they said good night. I felt like total shit. I cried into my hands. Jakob put his arm around me. The others had left. We remained a little longer.
Slowly, the simple sounds that no one ever noticed hearing in the coffee shop started taking place again.
* * * *
For those interested, I have a post called "Andrew" on the blog. timothylane414stories.blogspot.com
This was a short chapter, but feedback is welcome: timothylane414@gmail.com