Hi, I'm Lance Chapter 17
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Meeting 33 November 7
"Hi, I'm Tyler. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Tyler," the group replied.
"My boyfriend told me he loved me two days ago. Yesterday he shoved me again. I know I should get out, but I really do think he loves me. I can go to the shelter, I guess. I'm just not sure. I wish I could just get him to stop drinking. But, hey, at least I have.
"I don't know why I still love him." Tyler stopped. He stared at the ceiling and took a breath. "But I do."
"I appreciate you all listening. There are times when I wish all of you lived at our place.
"Thank you."
The group clapped. I hated hearing this. Every time Baker apologized and told Tyler it will be better, it just repeated itself. That whole situation sucked.
"Hi, I'm Amelia. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Amelia," the group replied.
"I'm kind of new here. This is my first time to get up and speak. I'm not sure what I should say. I guess I'm really embarrassed. Not to speak — at least here — but with old friends, it has become hard. My husband and I used to have one of the nicest houses in town. Then our business collapsed. Right now, we are in a small apartment. It would be nice to depend on my longtime friends, but I just don't know how to talk to them anymore. We aren't in the same circles as we used to be. The less money we had, the more we spent on alcohol. My husband has cut back. He will sometimes go days without any. Not me. But I've now gone 10 days. Drinking was my escape. It numbed what I was feeling. I love my old friends. I miss doing the things we used to do. I'm terrified I don't fit in with them anymore, and it's killing me. I'm not sure what to do. And when I feel that way, I want to drink. I'm trying to hang on.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Cooper. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Cooper," the group replied.
"Mitch and my son have hit it off. On the weekends I have Corey, Mitch stays over at least one night. I don't think my wife likes it — she thinks it's weird — but my son has accepted it way better than I thought he would. I feel good.
"It is funny how all the things I used to be scared of ... they aren't really scary at all anymore. It's nice to at least have that behind me.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
I hadn't seen Amelia before. In fact, there were several people new to me. O wasn't there, but I knew Tyler, Cooper, Richard and Sandy. Others were familiar, but I didn't know much about them. They rarely shared but found attending to be helpful.
Jakob and I walked up to Tyler after the meeting.
"I know what you guys will say. I appreciate you saying I can turn to you, but I can't come live with you. I can't just be on your couches forever. I'll make this work with Baker. It will work out."
We didn't argue. We offered a quick hug and then he left quickly. I just didn't see how his boyfriend would change until he joined Tyler in being sober.
I tried to welcome newcomers. Any time I saw someone receive their first chip, I always said hello. After getting to know so many gym members, it was so much easier for me to meet people in most situations.
Jakob stayed with me that night. We didn't have sex, we spent most of our time in bed talking about Tyler. Holding each other tight was comforting for the two of us.
—
It was Monday at work when I got an odd text from Trent: "Is it okay if I come see you at work?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just need my best friend."
"How worried should I be?"
"Not at all. Just need to talk."
"I'm done at 5. Want to work out with me?"
"I'm not a member. Remember?"
"Trust me. I have connections."
—
I had finished work but continued to engage members while I waited for Trent. I enjoyed learning more about them. They weren't exactly friends but definitely would be considered acquaintances.
"I really do need to join a gym," Trent said, greeting me with a simple hug.
"I know of a place," I said with a smile.
Three members walked by; all of them greeted me.
"Let's get changed. We can talk on the track."
I stripped naked. I hadn't been naked with Trent since college. The last time was when we had amazing sex in my college apartment. We had shared some passionate moments together in the past. I was falling in love with him so fast back then, and yet I pushed that aside, not really believing it. I knew I was screwing it up even at the time. I guess that just accelerated my drinking. It used to hurt not being with Trent. Now my love for Jakob feels every bit as strong, if not stronger. I'll never lose my feelings for Trent though. I'll love him my whole life. It's just a different love now.
We were the only ones in the locker room at the time. We could hear someone in the back shower. Trent pulled his underwear down. I flicked Trent's dick causing it to swing. He gave me a scolding "hey." But I knew he smiled after that. Before he had a chance to put on gym shorts, I could see Trent get hard.
"We had some good times, buddy, didn't we?"
"Yes. And we've done a lot of growing up in just a few months," he answered.
"You're as beautiful as ever, Trent. I'll always remember you this way, even when we're both 80."
As we exited the locker room, I said goodbye to some members leaving.
"How do you know all these people?" Trent asked.
"I try to meet at least five new members a week. Now it is almost instinct. Anyone I don't recognize, I step up to meet them. I try to make new members feel welcome and get to know our regulars. That's how I found Ophelia that job."
"Fantastic. You're doing a good job. I think opening up at your AA meetings is spilling over into your work. Sounds like a good thing."
"Thanks. Jason encouraged me to apply for a new gym they were opening in Von a few weeks back. He had been impressed with my work and work ethic. But ... I have Jakob here. Considering where he is right now, I wouldn't want to throw an emotional hardship on him. I didn't want to even think about leaving him. And seriously ... I love him. I could never leave."
"OMG!" Trent said as we stepped on the walking track. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I was encouraged to apply in Sycamore at a station there as the producer. It would be more money."
"Isn't that more than two hours from here?"
"Exactly. I can't leave Mike. Not to pretend I have any crystal balls here, but I'd like to picture us being together ... well, forever. Maybe that's naïve half a year into a relationship, but we've moved in, we're madly in love. There's no way I would sacrifice that. For money."
We walked a lap, then ran a lap.
"Isn't Mike home by now? I thought teachers left at 4."
"School gets out just before 4, but teachers stay late. Some teachers, particularly those with kids, drag all their work home. If he can, he tries to leave it there, so he usually finishes and then has his evening free," Trent said.
"If he didn't, he never would have been in that classroom when you stopped in to come out to him with rainbows and balloons."
"Shut up." Trent thought for a minute. "But isn't it scary that if he hadn't been there that day, my life might be totally different. That's spooky."
"Yep. You could have come out to me instead, and the two of us could be living happily ever after."
Trent chuckled. "You know you love Jakob. You two are awesome together."
"I do. I completely love him. I can't wait to see him every single second when we're apart."
"Aw, you're so cute. Arrogant college Lance has all but disappeared."
"Oh please. But Trent, don't ever think he's taken your place. I'm in love with him like crazy, but I'll always have you in my heart too. You just don't let go of something like that. Now, I've just learned to let you go and it doesn't hurt. Both of us are lucky to have found someone wonderful to love."
We ran a lap.
Lucas came upstairs to walk the track. I said hello. He winked at me, then started a moderate jog.
"See that guy?" I softly said to Trent. He nodded. "He flirted with me in the sauna a few weeks ago. He has a beautiful cock. He offered it to me."
"Steady boy."
"Don't worry. I didn't do anything. I wanted to be faithful to Jakob." I got lost in my thoughts for a moment, and Trent noticed my silence.
"Lance?"
"Hm? Oh. Sorry." I stopped walking. I grabbed Trent's wrist and made him look at me. "I owe you an apology."
"What do you mean?"
"in college. You were starting things up with Mike and I suggested we be `friends with benefits.' Mike's awesome, and the two of you together are great. The fact that I propositioned you..." I was suddenly overcome and momentarily gasped for air. "Trent, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Mike's my friend. I never would have wanted to mess things up for you. I'm so ashamed. Please forgive me."
"Lance, it's forgotten. That was college."
"I'm still ashamed. I was such a jerk then."
"Then?"
I punched him in the arm. "I'm better, right?"
Trent chuckled. "We've both matured a lot this year. College seems like light years ago."
"I have a big decision in six weeks though," I started, resuming our walk. "When your lease is up, Jakob has to decide something. We could probably ask for the continued grant money for a nicer place, but I have a feeling at that point they would place him in low-income apartments. I'd still feel the same about him, of course, but ... Trent, is it crazy that I want him to move in with me?"
"A tad fast, but not too crazy. You two will have had several months as a couple at that point. I think you'll know if you are in it for the long term by then."
"I know now," I said. "Unless he turns into some raging lunatic, I think the guy has opened up his entire soul to me. If he feels he is ready, I am."
"I love seeing you in love. You deserve it."
I waved to a couple of people on the cardio equipment. They hollered kind remarks as we continued our walk.
"I want Jakob to feel confident in our relationship. We're getting there. But money will always stand between us. I couldn't care less what he makes. I just love HIM for who he is."
"He's lucky to have found you."
"And it's funny, I feel it is just the other way around," I said.
We ran. I knew that was the strength of Jakob's and my love, looking past the obstacles to see the true person inside.
Trent and I did a little bit of cardio. A member who had been watching us asked if Trent was Jakob. I chuckled and made introductions. I hadn't really told many people about Jakob, so that was a surprise. But I think most people had picked up that I was gay. After 20 minutes on the equipment, we ran another mile on the track. We couldn't talk as much, but the workout was good. I wish Trent would join the gym so we could do this often.
When we came out of the shower, I couldn't make my naked smartass comments as others were in the locker room. I did look at Trent's dick and gave him a wink. I had some flashbacks to school when I wanted his cock so badly.
As we walked to the parking lot, my phone rang.
"Odd. It's the police."
That always causes your heart to skip a beat.
"Yes, this is Lance Wheeling."
I froze. Trent stared at me.
"What? How?"
Trent knew something was up. I sounded frantic. My look must have been one of panic.
"Oh my God. Yes, I see. Um, okay, well, is there any other information?"
My eyes welled with tears as I hung up. I couldn't get my breath.
"What is it, buddy. Tell me."
I wiped a tear coming down my cheek. "You might remember that one night when I got my Three-Month chip, several of us went out afterward. Remember Tyler?"
"I think so. Yeah. What happened?"
"He took his life today."
"Oh my gosh. No."
"I didn't know him really well. I just wanted him to know he could turn to us in AA. He stayed at my place one night because his boyfriend was threatening him."
My frustration and shock and sorrow took over. I started crying. I crouched on the ground.
"The police called me because when I gave him my number, Tyler put it in `In Case of Emergency.' Just me and his brother."
"I'm so sorry, Lance."
"He must have felt he had nowhere to turn. I wish I could have done more," I said, my voice quivering.
"You were there for him, buddy. He knew that. I wish he would have called you. I guess he just let the darkness overtake him."
"I – I – I need you to stay with me, Trent. For the first time in months, my kneejerk reaction is to run and get a drink."
I could tell that freaked Trent out. He called Mike and told him he would be home late. He understood.
Jakob came over to stay with me. Evan was pretty sympathetic too. I just had a difficult time processing all of it. I had a million questions, and I hated myself for not pushing Tyler more. He could have turned to us. Why did he just give up? Why did he feel alone?
Jakob took it better than I did. Or at least he bottled it up inside better. Thank God he was there to hold me. Whenever I felt like I would be okay, it would hit me again. I cried into his chest. He held me tight. He just petted my hair as my sobs wet the hair on his chest.
"I'm here," he softly said.
When I finally went to sleep, I was out hard.
—
The rest of the week was frustrating. There was no way I could find out any details. I didn't know how to reach Tyler's brother, his deadbeat boyfriend or anything. Would there be a funeral? I had no clue. I felt absolutely helpless.
Jakob was my rock. Even when we weren't together, I would call him and talk to him. He knew the thought of grabbing a drink to numb the pain was weighing on me.
Evan was trying to be helpful. He knew this hit me hard. We talked quite a bit, but I also didn't want to come off as the grim reaper of doom. I tried to keep my down moods at bay the best I could.
I decided to call Dad. I went to my bedroom.
"Hey, son! It's nice of you to call," he answered the phone.
"It's good to hear your voice, Dad."
"Uh oh. What's wrong?"
I told him the story about Tyler. He listened empathetically and said he was sorry.
"I didn't know him that well, Dad, but this is hitting me hard still. I'm not sure why."
"It's because you have a big heart, son. I've seen it, but in the past months, I can tell you've grown into a true man. I've been impressed by your kindness to others."
"Well ... gee. Thanks, Dad."
"I mean it. Didn't you tell me they had noticed it at work?"
"Yeah."
"See. You've truly matured, son. With that came the ability to care about others. That's why this is weighing on you so heavily."
"I just wish I could have done more. I wish he would have called."
"You reached out your hand. And he had reached back once, as you said. You were there. He just wasn't in the right place to accept your help."
"Thank goodness for Jakob. He's keeping me sane. I love him more every day, Dad."
"Be sure to tell him that."
"I do. You're right. We say it all the time. I love that he's out of the shelter. It's easier to be a couple now. He keeps me grounded. This whole situation with Tyler is the first thing to tempt me to drink, but Jakob is there. I think I'll be okay. Not to mention just picturing you finding me in a wrecked car scares the hell out me."
Dad was quiet. What had I said? What was he thinking? Was he worried?
"Make me a promise, Lance."
"What is it, Dad?"
"If you ever feel tempted to drink, please promise me that you will give me a call. I'm here."
"I know."
"Promise me!"
"All right, I promise."
"I'll always support you, son. I love you."
"Love you too, Dad. You are the best father in the world."
"Let's not put me quite that high on the pedestal," Dad said. "Maybe third or fourth. We'll settle for that."
We laughed.
"Dad? I assume it is okay if I bring Jakob home for Thanksgiving. Right?"
"Absolutely. We figured you would. We'd love him to be here."
"Thanks. I guess I will have to come clean with Oliver, huh? He's really the only one I haven't come out to."
"We were going to let you take that at your own pace. But, yes, I think if you share a room with Jakob, that will be a bit of a giveaway."
"How do you think he will take it?"
"I don't know for sure. But your mother and I will be here. You are brothers, so he needs to accept it. I have hope that he will. But that's his life. If he has issues, then it is his decision. Those issues are not yours. Don't try to take them on."
"Right. I'll see you soon, Dad. Give Mom my love."
Dear heavens, what would Oliver be like? Would he tease me? What will he say to Jakob? Surely, he wouldn't ruin Thanksgiving. Would he?
* * * *
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