Hi, I'm Lance Chapter 13
Thank you for supporting the story. Please consider a donation to Nifty to keep the service going.
Meeting No. 20 September 13
"Hi, I'm Tyler. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Tyler," the group responded.
"Well, I guess I get a new 24-hour chip tonight. My third. I thought for sure last time I was going to stop for good. My boyfriend really beat me up Friday night. He always apologizes. For some stupid reason I believe him every time. He's never hit me in the face. It's always my chest. I don't always get bruises, but it usually hurts."
I hated hearing this story. It pained me to think a lover could physically hurt a partner.
"I took a few drinks after that. He had a few before he hit me. I – I – I know I should leave him, but I keep thinking it will get better. I'm scared to be with him, but I'm more scared to be without him."
Fuck him. What an ass. No one deserves that. My God, I felt so lucky. My heart broke for Tyler.
"I'm trying to make sure no matter what, I will not drink any more. I need to realize, no matter what he does, I need to choose what I will and won't do. Wish me luck.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Lance," the group responded.
"I got my two-month chip last week. It is clearly clipped to my fridge. I see it every day. It's just a chip, but it reminds me of a lot. It means something to me. For those of you who have more, I'd be interested in what you've done with them. They really are accomplishments. I congratulate everyone who has gone longer than me. People just don't know how easy it is to just want to reach for `one drink,'" I said using air quotes.
"My heart breaks hearing about others' struggles, but I stand here to just say, you are not alone. We are here. We feel your pain. We know it's real. Please make sure you don't hesitate to lean on someone. It is not an answer, it is not a solution. It becomes a crutch. It did for me. Until I drank even when I didn't want to. I was young. I am young compared to most of the group. But it grabbed a hold of me.
Several people nodded.
"I ... I just wanted to stress that you — all of us — are not alone. I couldn't believe how helpful that was for me two months ago to finally realize.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
I was lonely for Jakob. He had to work late. I told him I would drop by but would make myself available to others for "coffee." I really wanted Tyler to know he could depend upon us.
Ophelia, Cooper and I invited him to join us. He gladly accepted.
I got a raspberry tea. They all got pumpkin spice something or other. That season had started.
"Tyler, do you have your phone?" I said.
"What's up? Why?"
"I want you to put my number in there. If you need someone, call," I said, holding up my phone number.
He did, offering his thanks.
"How did you meet your ... boyfriend," Cooper asked.
"We've been together for five years. We started ... dating isn't the word ... fooling around, privately in high school our senior year. Neither of us went to college, so we shared an apartment together. Our parents thought of us as roommates, but it was a one-bedroom. We eventually came out to them. They seemed okay with it. We were supporting ourselves. But our jobs weren't great ones. We could pay rent and all that, but we weren't saving much."
"Did you love each other?" Ophelia asked.
"Yes. We still do. I guess."
"When did you start drinking?"
"Well, Baker ... my boyfriend, that's what he goes by, it's his last name ... was held back a year in elementary school so he was technically a year older than me. Once he hit 21, he started bringing home beer. I was only 20 but jumped right in. It seemed fun ... and so adult."
"So, you've been drinking a few years then?" I asked.
"Sadly, yes."
"We're the same age," I said.
"We fucked it up early, didn't we?" Tyler suddenly felt self-conscious. "Can we talk about something else?"
Ophelia and Cooper talked about their kids. I should have paid more attention, but I couldn't help but watch Tyler's expression. As much as he appreciated being asked to come, I could tell he was in pain, both mentally and physically. The way he reached for his coffee, there was a slight wince in his movements. Fuck his boyfriend.
We tried hard to keep the conversation light. I eventually said I wanted to see Jakob, so the group wound down the conversation. Tyler said he appreciated being asked to join.
"Call if you need, okay?"
"Thanks, Lance. That's nice of you."
"Accept a hug?"
"If it's gentle," he replied softly, sort of distant.
I lightly placed my arms around him. I didn't know if he would do the same, but I eventually felt them lightly pressing on my back. The other two also hugged him gently.
My feelings can be anything after a meeting. I'm sometimes really brought down, but after each one, I know I don't need to drink, I'm not alone and I'm in control of my life. Tonight, I felt down. Thank heavens I was about to see Jakob.
"God, I miss you," I said walking up to him in the QT.
"Hi, angel," he said.
We ducked behind a row of snack chips for a one-second kiss.
"Guess what? I got a raise!"
"Already? You did?"
"It's only a dollar more an hour — 40 bucks a week, but ..."
"Hey! Every bit helps. You can do a lot with that."
"I got a lot of praise with it though."
"Yeah?"
He had me step into the backroom to see something.
"What am I looking at?" I asked.
"The back area."
"Well, no duh!! What am I supposed to be seeing?"
"It looks neat, right?"
"I guess."
Jakob was beaming. "It used to be a mess. Not a complete disaster, but it wasn't arranged as efficiently as it should be. There wasn't enough rhyme or reason to anything. It was just stuff back here. My manager was just blown away. Really impressed. He pulled me aside to really compliment me on my work. He even called Gerard at the shelter."
"That's awesome, baby." I was honestly happy for Jakob.
"I miss you," he said.
"Oh, me too."
"I'm sorry I have to work late."
"It is what it is. Call me before you go to bed. I want to tell you about Tyler."
Once I got home, Kristy was there. Evan's girlfriend seemed nice. She had stayed once before, but I didn't get to do much more than wave and say hello. Before I met her, I hadn't really pictured anything. Maybe I thought she would be a blonde; I didn't really have any idea. Kristy had shoulder-length brown hair. Her breasts were nice but nothing enormous. She didn't go heavy on makeup, and I liked that. If I were still in my "denial" phase, I would have considered going out with someone like her. The two of them were cozy on the loveseat. I felt intrusive after a few minutes. They had paused a movie when I entered.
"I'll give you two some privacy. It was nice seeing you, Kristy."
I grabbed a flavored soda water and went into my room.
I got caught up with email and looked at a couple of things work-related online. As much as I tried to distract myself, I couldn't stop thinking about Tyler. I knew no one had his back. He had to feel alone.
"I love you," I texted Trent.
Two minutes later, my phone buzzed.
"I love you too."
"What's this about?"
I called him. I knew I wouldn't be able to explain it all in a text.
"Hey buddy," he answered. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah. Kind of a tough night."
"What happened?" Trent asked.
"I had a meeting. There's a fairly new guy there. Gay, my age. He's in a relationship that sounds toxic. His boyfriend has started hitting him."
"Fuck. That's awful. Why doesn't he get out of it?"
"I think he wants to but doesn't feel like he has anywhere to go. I think. I don't know a whole lot. I just knew he didn't have anyone to have his back. It made me think of you and how lucky I am to have you as my friend."
"Man, Lance. Are you okay hearing all these problems each week? I'm really glad you are still going to these meetings, but I worry these people will drag you down."
"No. Don't buddy. They've helped me. A lot."
"Do you need to talk about it? I'm here for you."
"I know you are, and that is why I texted. I'm lucky. Not everyone is. But it is really good for me to go there. These people are ... is it odd to say therapeutic? And I've met Jakob, of course. Oh Trent, when we aren't together, I miss him so much."
"You've fallen hard, haven't you?"
"I think so. But even that has its own complications."
"How so?" Trent asked.
"It's no surprise I want him out of the shelter, but I'm not sure how to accomplish that."
"Living with you is not an option?"
"It's kind of fast. Just like you and Mike are taking your time."
"Right."
"And it is more complex. If Evan wasn't there, I might consider it, but that's not fair to spring that on him. It's his apartment too."
"I see."
"Not to mention, Jakob doesn't like to accept charity. He really wants to take steps on his own. Otherwise it is not much different than his past was. Obviously, I love him while those other people didn't, but ..."
"Say that again."
"Say what?"
"What you just said."
"I said I love him, but those other ... oh."
"Wow."
"Wow."
"Have you told him that?" Trent asked me.
"No. I have barely told myself that. Seriously anyway. Or out loud."
"Buddy, I am so happy for you."
"I'm not sure what to say." I paused. "This wasn't the road I figured we would go down when I called."
"You have a big heart, Lance Wheeling. I know. I'm in it. Now I see you feeling empathy for others. You've matured an incredible amount in just a few months."
"I'm just exposed to all these people, that's all."
"I'm proud of you. You have no idea how much," Trent said.
"That means the world to me. Thank you."
"Just make sure you take care of that big heart. Don't let it get hurt. Don't try to take on the whole world all at once."
"You'll have my back if I do," I said.
"Always. I love you, Lance."
"Love you, Trent. Good night."
As I hung up, I found it bewildering that I could tell Trent I loved him so easily, but the thought of saying it to Jakob was scary. There are different kinds of love. Trent and I had a friendship love. But until him, I never would have said that to a friend. There is a connection between us that I couldn't explain. We weren't that close ... until we were. The night Detrell raped him, my car wreck ... we were there for each other. We were kind of complicated, but I had my feelings for Trent compartmentalized into place now. I wasn't sure if I felt so confident with Jakob.
Later I prepared for bed. I still hadn't heard from Jakob. I stared at the ceiling in the darkness worried that he hadn't called, but at the same time thrilled that he probably would. I thought about him all the time. Wow. Love. In love. Me in love. Could I tell him that?
I started to doze off. Then my phone rang.
"Sorry it is so late," Jakob said. "We had a water backup in the back room. Lots of clean up, but we got it taken care of."
"I'm glad you still called. I miss you so much."
"Me too. How was the meeting?"
"Kind of sad. Tyler was there. He had been drinking again."
"Oh man."
"I know," I said. "He's starting over. Sadly, his boyfriend still hits him. I hate it, Jakob. I don't know what to say."
"Rough."
"We want him to get away, but ... you more than anyone know it's not that easy."
"I wish I had been there to talk to him," Jakob said.
"I gave him my number. In case he ever needs to call for help."
"You're very sweet, Lance." He was silent a second. "I should probably let you get to sleep. I just needed to say good night."
"I'm glad you did. Jakob, I ... I ... really need to see you this week. I need to hold you and feel you and make love to you."
I was mad at myself for not being able to say it.
"I'm right there with you on that," he replied.
"Oh my gosh," I said.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I think I heard Evan and Kristy making love."
"Really?"
"Barely, like a couple of moans. I think."
"Not screaming through the walls like us?" he said. I knew he was smiling when he said it.
"No. I would love to be doing that right now. My hand is on my cock thinking about you."
"Mine will be the next time we're together." We both hummed a slight moan. "Mmm. Good night, my angel."
After we hung up, my ears strained to hear anything else. If they were having sex, it was relatively quiet. Then I heard Kristy moan. Then Evan was just audible enough. I could tell. It was the sound of a man in orgasm.
We had just been back from spring break. Everyone was returning. Except my college roommate. I was only a freshman, but he was a sophomore.
The dorms had very thin walls. I could hear the guy next door. I couldn't remember his name. He was moaning. It seemed too loud for masturbation. That's easy to keep quiet.
"I missed you," I heard him say.
The other voice was too muffled to make out. I assumed it was a girl, but I didn't know for sure. My bed was right against the wall. I was alone, the lights were out even though it wasn't late. I reached for my dick. It was hard just listening to this guy have sex next door. I started stroking listening to him make love to ... somebody.
I heard another voice. It was a man! Holy fuck! Two guys were doing it. There were gay dudes doing it on campus. My fist gripped my cock so hard. I pounded my thick meat listening to them. They weren't really loud, but just enough to hear them through the wall next to me.
I couldn't tell which one, but one said he was about to come. Then I could hear it.
My erection was burning hot. I stroked it rapidly. My breathing was haggard. Had the other guy come? I could hear him still moaning. He hadn't come, but he was close. I wanted to come with him. I moved my head closer to the wall. I recognized that sound. He moaned like someone right at the edge.
"Yeah!" traveled through the wall.
I could tell by his groan that he was spurting all over his lover. My cum landed on my chest in sync with the next room. I groaned for a moment. I wondered for a second if they had heard me. I laid there listening for anything further. It was quiet. I reached for a tissue from the dresser and wiped my chest. I dropped it in the wastebasket.
A minute later I heard some talking, but barely. If they hadn't been in the bed on the other side of this wall, it would have been imperceptible. I couldn't make out words, just sounds of speech. Then the door slammed shut. I wanted to walk to the door and see who had just stepped out, but there was no way I could have gotten dressed in time.
Two seconds later the door to our apartment opened and shut. My roommate had walked in. Holy, holy, holy fuck.
I reached for a tissue to wipe my chest. I dropped it in the wastebasket. I missed Jakob so much. I needed him in my bed so badly.
—
I had learned the names of a considerable number of members at the gym. A lot in fact. I tried to engage them. I had become accustomed to talking about their families, their jobs, their lives. I actually enjoyed seeing them each time.
Jason saw me engage a couple of them. He called me into his office.
"You are doing a fantastic job, Lance. In three months, you've really taken your position to a great level. You are exceeding my expectations. I keep hearing from so many members how much they enjoy visiting with you."
"Thanks," I said.
"Really, Lance. You are doing a great job. I wanted to let you know that we are close to opening a fourth location. It's an hour from here in Von. It's a smaller town, but there is only one gym there. We think it will do well."
"Okay."
"I wanted you to know in case you'd like to apply for manager. It would be a bit of an uphill competition coming in as a relatively new assistant manager, but you've done such an outstanding job, I thought you should know of the opportunity."
"Wow. Thanks for that."
"Think it over. It is not up to me. My father makes all those decisions. I have input, but it really is his call."
"Thanks, Jason. I really appreciate it."
I left his office a bit numb. What a huge compliment. How rewarding for my performance to be noted. That would certainly be a significant raise in salary. I'd like that. But being an hour away? From Jakob? >From Trent? >From the group? Would that be good for me? I hated the thought of it but wondered if I'd be foolish to turn down the chance. Crap.
—
Trent had called me yesterday. He had been working with Tariq. He wanted us to get together for lunch today. I was ecstatic to see him.
I pulled into Parma Sean's. Less than a minute later, they both pulled in.
"Come here, you!" I shouted at Tariq as he and Trent walked up to me in the parking lot.
I was all smiles seeing Tariq. I embraced him in a huge bear hug. It seemed like forever since we were all together as teammates, even though it hadn't been even five months.
"How are your classes now that you are a senior?" I asked as the three of us took our table.
He told us about his courses. Trent and I each had one of the professors he had this semester. We conveyed our own stories.
Tariq talked a little about basketball. The season hadn't started but the team was getting ready. I remembered those years. I remembered starting to stare at the guys in the locker room a little too long. How could I have been in denial?? I mean, seriously. I don't know what it was, but there was something about Trent that pulled me over the line. I still see it each time I look at him.
"Are you still with Amanda?" I asked.
"We are. Somehow, she has found it within her to stick with me. My family is not supportive. But she says she loves me, so I'm doing everything to make it work."
He showed us a couple really cute pictures of the two of them.
"How about you? Are you seeing anyone?" Tariq asked me.
"Well, actually I am."
I had always been in denial during college. To admit seeing a guy to friends is something I couldn't have comprehended in school. I'd have cringed at the implications back then. Now, I didn't care. Being in my AA group had removed so many inhibitions.
I pulled out my phone.
"This is Jakob. We've been seeing each other for almost two months."
"Oh. OH! Oh. You're gay too? Was the whole team gay and I didn't know it?"
Trent and I laughed.
"I think it was just the two of us," Trent chuckled.
"I was a mess. I ... repressed a lot in school, Tariq. I tried to convince myself I wasn't gay and ..."
"He's bisexual in my opinion," Trent inserted.
"Whatever. To be truthful, I was hung up on Trent. But I wouldn't allow myself to admit it. He and Mike were great, and I knew I wouldn't ever have that. I drank quite a bit."
"I remember," Tariq said. "I guess it makes a little more sense then."
"That's no excuse," I said. "I blame myself. I made poor decisions. Drinking became a problem. After I had a car wreck — drunk — I turned a corner. I'm in AA, Tariq."
"Gosh, I'm sorry, Lance."
"Don't be. My life is on track. I'm doing great at my job. I haven't had a drink in 10 weeks. And I met Jakob at the meetings. I feel good about myself for the first time in years. I'm happy. I really am."
"Well, good," Tariq said. "You look great!"
"Thanks. Drinking four or five beers a day packs the calories on. Once the season ended, I let myself go to hell. I put on 20 pounds. My life was a mess. But now, I feel SO much better."
"Good for you. I guess this Jakob is a good influence too."
"I see a spark in Lance I never had before," Trent said.
"He's had a hard past. Abusive even. He's ... he's so good for me. He grounds me. I love every minute I'm with him."
"Wow. Sounds like love. Do you love him?" Tariq asked.
I didn't answer. I knew I was in love. I just hadn't been able to tell him those three words. They scared me.
"Uhhh. I've never said those words to him. But, if I'm honest, yes. I love him. I totally do."
"You should tell him that, buddy. Nothing could make him feel happier," Trent said.
"I worry about pushing too fast." I looked at Tariq. "How long did you wait to say it to Amanda?"
"Oh, lord. I waited too long. We were both afraid — terrified — to say it to each other. We felt it, but we were too scared to say it. We were so glad when we did. We had been sleeping together for almost two months, but saying the words was the scary part. Isn't it weird?"
"Do the two of us get to come to the wedding?" Trent asked.
"Hold on! We aren't there yet! Don't push me!!"
The three of us laughed. Man, it was good to see Tariq. It was cool that he didn't really react — other than initial surprise — that I was gay. Trent and I obsessed over that so much in school. Sure, Trent had the scuffle with Rich, but that was temporary. The team had his back. And yet, the two of us could hardly admit it to each other at first — I sure couldn't. When I looked back on myself in school — denial, drinking, all but using women — I didn't think too much of myself.
I thought I needed to contact other members on the team. I should just check in on them. These past months had flown by. I didn't need to tell them about Jakob necessarily. I just needed to listen. I didn't do a lot of that in school.
* * * *
Feedback: timothylane414@gmail.com
Insight and comments: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com