Hi, I'm Lance Chapter 1
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Timothy
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Hi, I'm Lance
© By Timothy Lane
Meeting No. 4 July 19
"Hi, I'm Lance. And I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Lance," the group replied.
"Um ... I've never been up here before. In fact, that's the first time I've said those words out loud. I'm ... I was going to ..."
I froze. I didn't know where to start; I didn't know what to say. Ophelia was on the front row. I happened to look at her. Her eyes understood. She smiled at me and nodded.
"I'm probably not going to be very good at this," I continued. "When I came to my first meeting, I heard all these people come up and share. I thought to myself, `I don't have these problems; I don't belong here.' By the end of the meeting, I thought all those people were brave. None of them expected for their lives to unravel. I mean, no one plans for that, right? But mine had unraveled. When I listened to all the stories, I thought my life was nothing like that — it hadn't gotten that bad. But look around here tonight. I'm the youngest one here and ... and ..."
The tears started. I tried to gasp in a breath, but that didn't help. Tears went down my cheeks and I wiped them on my sleeve. I wondered if I should just go sit down. The group remained quiet. I looked at them through tears and none of them judged me. Ophelia stepped up and handed me a tissue, then returned to her seat.
"Thank you." I wiped my eyes and blew my nose. "I'm the youngest one here — two months out of college — and I've already made enough mistakes to hurt people, endanger my job and total my car. So, yeah, I belong here."
I held up my hand and showed the broken wrist. Some of them showed sympathy on their faces. There were probably a little more than 20 people this late afternoon. I knew a few of their names from listening to their stories, but there are different people at each meeting.
"I'm in love with my best friend. I'm gay." I paused. "And that's the first time I've said those words out loud too. My friend would try to correct me and say I'm bisexual ... and maybe that's right ... but I can't help feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling myself I wasn't gay. It's too late for the two of us now. He's come out and fallen in love with someone else. I can't blame him; his boyfriend is a magnificent guy. I waited too long to get my shit together. I mean, we're still the best of friends, but no matter how much I want it to be more, I sort of screwed that up by dragging my feet. I just told myself I enjoyed fooling around, that's all, but I really wasn't gay.
"And so, I would drink another beer. Then another. At first, I just had beer in the apartment. I mean, college, you know? Then feelings for Tr... my friend ... grew. I'd try to push those away. I had a beer. Then I started `fooling around'" ... I put in air quotes ... "with some guys and I'd drink beer afterward to numb all those feelings again. I'd sleep with girls in between. I felt that would convince me I wasn't gay. It would help squash any rumors too. When I'd get home from those dates, as much as I thought they'd help, I guess they didn't. I would grab a beer.
"Soon, it didn't even matter if I had a reason or not. I just reached for more and more. I placed a bottle of whiskey in the apartment in case I just wanted a shot instead of taking time to drink a whole can. It wasn't a problem. I just enjoyed something to drink. That's what I kept telling myself.
"My friend was getting his life together. He was so confident. He had just come out and took control of his life. I was 180 degrees the opposite. I just kept suppressing everything. He thought I was so lucky to have a job lined up at graduation. All I could think about was he would be going away. I would lose him after graduation was over. He's stayed in town. Has a great job now that he seems to love. So, I still get to see him. Thank God. But I just went through every day in a fog. I never felt ... good. Except when I was with him. Or even with him and his boyfriend. I was myself with them. I didn't hide. Until I had to admit it to myself. I was afraid to. Then I retreated again. I was probably the worst case of being in denial. It was so obvious, yet I guess I thought I could wave it away. Or in my case... drink.
"When I totaled the car, I saw my father in the hospital. I took one look at his face; his sorrowful expression will haunt me forever. I was so ashamed. I felt like an absolute failure to him. Dad has never judged me." My voice whimpered. "He's been an awesome dad. But I knew I had fucked up for the last time. I wanted to be better. Thank heavens the judge gave me a court order to come here. I'm supposed to come 10 times for my license to no longer be suspended. But if it helps me not drink ... I ... I will probably keep coming. Wow ... was that scary to just say out loud. I'm 22 and I'm stuck with ... this ..." I said, waving my arms around the room. "... I guess for a long time. But as long as it helps keep me from drinking, I don't care. I never want to again. I never want my father to see me in the hospital like ... that ... again.
"Uh ... I guess that's all. I guess I rambled a bit. I don't know if I've been up here two minutes or 20, but ... I'm glad you listened. Maybe that means I needed to say it out loud. I'm ... I'm not good at this. I'm sorry. But ... thank you."
The group clapped, and Ophelia went up next.
"Hi, I'm Ophelia and I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Ophelia," the group replied.
"I ran into my old boss. Well, actually the principal of the school where I was the PTA president. It's been a little more than two years since I showed up at an assembly smashed out of my brain. People had to escort me off the stage. The principal told me the next day that I was immediately removed from my position. He didn't have to make that call. Technically, it wasn't up to him, but his influence over the board was strong. But they knew anyway. Anyone who shows up drunk in an auditorium full of elementary school children had no business leading the organization. He was polite enough when he saw me Thursday, I guess. I knew it was awkward for him to have to talk to me. I told him that I had been sober for more than a year and that life was getting back on track. He said, `Good for you.' But I knew what he really wanted was to just get out of the conversation."
Ophelia took a deep breath.
"I used to be in charge of so many things. Now I only get to be in charge of me. My husband has custody of our daughter. She's going into junior high next year. He has at least let me visit with her unsupervised on my weekends now. That's something. I've at least earned that trust.
"But I sure miss her. Two weekends a month is tough. I miss all the events and committees I was involved in. I know taking a drink doesn't bring any of that back. There are times though ... there are times. I'm so grateful to my sponsor for helping me off the ledge when I start contemplating a drink.
"On the plus side, I just completed a quilt I had started for my apartment. I'm proud of it. My grandmother taught me when I was young. I'm glad I can still do it. Having the quilt there reminds me of her. It's a little bit of home, even though I'm by myself.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
After the meeting was finished, I went up to the chairperson to have my form signed. Ophelia was chairperson at the first meeting I went to. I didn't know this gentleman. His name was Richard. After he signed the form, he said he appreciated my share. I thanked him. When I turned around, Ophelia was standing behind me.
"Oh," I said, mildly startled. "I didn't know you were standing there."
Ophelia was African-American, I would guess in her late 30s, maybe early 40s. She was well spoken and had an elegance to her, even if it was in a mom kind of way. She always came to meetings properly dressed. For someone possibly twice my age, I still considered her quite pretty.
"I remember your first meeting, Lance," she said. "I enjoyed your share today. I know it was tough, but you did a good job."
"I'm not too sure about that but thank you so much for the tissue. I was so scared to go up there. I wasn't expecting things to just overwhelm me like that. So, I appreciated your support."
We took the last two cups of coffee so that volunteers could clean the pot and put things away. It's funny; I don't like coffee that much, but I wanted to just visit a little more. Ophelia asked about Trent and took an interest in our friendship. I told her I was so thankful that I didn't completely screw it up because I was confident that I was headed that way.
She noted that it looked like I had lost a few pounds since the first meeting, and I thanked her for the compliment.
"When you stop drinking five beers a day, that's a lot of calories you're saving," I joked. "I work at a gym, so that helps encourage me to exercise a little."
She looked at my wrist.
"Is it safe to exercise?"
"Well, I'm very careful. I don't do anything too physical, but there are still some exercises I can do even with the wrist. I look forward to when I can actually use the pool."
She finished her coffee. I had just sipped maybe half of mine. Even with sugar, I just didn't care for it.
"Do you come on certain days? Or just when you feel the need?" I asked.
"Well, I offer to chair twice a month. I typically do the closed meetings compared to the open meetings, but still do a few of those a month. Newcomers tend to come to those, so it's nice to welcome them from time to time. I always come on Wednesday nights."
"Maybe I'll put that in my plans. It would be nice to have a friend here." My eyes darted to her face. "I mean, I hope it is okay to consider you a friend. You really don't know me other than as the blubbering idiot up there tonight."
She put her hand on mine, the one that didn't have a cast.
"You can consider me a friend, Lance. I appreciate you visiting with me tonight. We both can use people in our lives like that."
When I got home, I called Trent. He and Mike were driving back from Mike's parents. It was the first time for him to meet them. I told him I shared. He asked, but I didn't choose to talk about it. What could I say? "Yeah, I broke down into tears in front of strangers." But other than that, I was proud of myself. It was one more step in the right direction I thought.
My mind drifted back to spring when I first met Mike, and we all threw caution to the wind in the shower. Because he is a teacher, he hates remembering that evening. It kills him. But it was crazy hot.
It was our third practice over at Jerome Hawkins High School. Coach wasn't going to let the ladies using the gym, not to mention scheduled maintenance work, let us miss a practice. I knew Trent had gone to that school years ago. I didn't like our practices there. The gym just seemed so much smaller and older than the university's. With the women having the gym long hours at the university, it was about the only option to get a practice in on Wednesdays. I guess Coach knew someone at that school.
The smaller locker room meant all of us were standing even closer together when it came time for showers, especially IN the showers. I'd received a few comments during the season on the size of my dick, but overall, the team seemed pretty normal. I tried to look at as many guys as I could before I got too hard and then jump into a cold shower before a full hard-on could be seen.
I always liked looking at Trent. He had a gorgeous dick. I thought he was nice too. Really nice. We weren't much closer than teammates, but I wished we were. All my friends at school were casual friends. I didn't really have a best friend or one that I would even say was close. Why didn't people like me more? Or was it me that held back? But I noticed Trent didn't undress. Not everyone showered each time. Several would just pack up and head out, I guessed to clean up later at their own places. I hated feeling sweaty once we were done.
"Trent, are you leaving your bag?" I asked as he headed out of the locker room.
"I'll be back. I just want to go talk to an old teacher," he said, sounding different than I've ever heard his voice sound before.
He was gone for about 15 minutes. When he came back, everyone was gone except for me and Aram. He started to get undressed. He hung his towel in a locker. Both Aram and I were naked. Aram was fixing his hair at a mirror. Aram's cock was probably average, but he was uncut and had an extremely hairy bush that was intriguing enough for me to take an occasional look. I dawdled, hoping to get a look at Trent's anatomy.
He didn't notice, but I saw him looking at Aram. I started to get a rise just watching him. He looked at me, and I think he may have become aroused as well. We both turned away and he darted into the shower.
Aram and I left. I sat outside on a bench. I was thinking of any reason just to go back in and look at him again. But that would seem weird. He would think I was gay. A gentleman walked down the connecting hall. I think he went into the gym, but I wasn't sure. My pulse was racing. Trent was alone in the shower. How could I go back in? My mind searched for a reason. I didn't realize I had gotten up and started pacing until after I had done it for a few minutes. By now he was probably out of the shower and getting dressed. I'm sure I missed my opportunity.
But what if I hadn't? I thought of the schedule change that was made while he went into the main building. I'm sure the coach would contact everyone, but it was just enough reason for me to walk back in.
In the locker room, I could hear the shower still running. Fantastic! That must have been a long shower. Who knows? Maybe he was just getting himself off. Maybe I could see it fully hard. I couldn't see him around the corner, but I could hear the shower running.
I called out to see if it was him. It was. I blurted out my excuse for returning. After a minute, the conversation stopped. I didn't have a real reason to remain. The locker rooms didn't have physical doors to the gym, but there were short halls that separated them, the backs of which were covered with lockers. I walked down the hall frustrated that I didn't get to look at him. Fuck. My pulse was racing harder. I leaned back on the cinder block walls of that short entrance hallway. My hands felt the coolness of the painted surface as my thoughts spiraled. He was going to come out undressed any second. I wanted to see him. Maybe just maybe I could talk him into fooling around. He seemed to get hard when I was looking at him. Or was that my imagination? How many opportunities like this would I get? I decided to go back in.
As I entered into the shower area again, I now heard two people. They weren't just talking; they were groaning — they were having sex. Holy fuck!! Trent was doing it with another guy! Aram?
My shaft became an iron pipe thinking about Trent being naked with another dude behind the wall. Holy fuck. That was it! If he will do it with someone else, maybe he'd do it with me. The two of them continued to groan while I got completely undressed. I think it was the other guy that growled like mad. I figured he was coming. I didn't know if Trent had. I was now naked. It was my time. Now or never. I hoped I didn't regret it, but I stepped in.
"Room for one more, guys?"
I scared the shit out of them. Fuck. Had I screwed up? What if they tried to beat me up? We stood there for a moment without saying anything. Oh fuck, what if this was a huge mistake? Eventually, Trent introduced me. It was the teacher that I had seen walk down the hall.
"I hope I'm not interrupting, but I thought you guys might want some company," I said.
What if they told me to get lost? What if they called me gay? This was a mistake. I couldn't get out of it.
"It's about time," Trent said.
Thank God. All fear just drained from me like taking a leak first thing in the morning. I asked Trent if he would fuck me. I had done that before, twice. I liked it and wondered if I would ever get to do it again. He was up for it. He said I would be his first. Wow.
We turned off the water. Trent used just a bit of soap to make his dick slippery. I felt him put the head of his cock right at my hole. He pushed it in just a tiny bit. Oooo. It felt strange at first. I tensed. I took a deep breath. It felt good. He pushed more of his gorgeous dick into me. That hurt. I needed to relax; I needed to relax. The muscles in my ass released their tension. That was better, and I pushed back on Trent's rod. He took over gently pushing his erection in and out, slowly. Oh yeah. This was exactly what I wanted. I would never had dreamed I could have gotten one of my teammates to do this.
Within a few minutes, we were really groaning as he fucked me. For his first time, it was everything I had been needing. We almost sounded like dogs as his beefy pole kept working my ass. It was too loud for safety's sake, but no one was probably left in the building.
I suddenly felt my dick being grabbed. This teacher was moving my hard cock into his mouth. Holy shit! He's handsome as all get out, but I would never have expected that. This was so unbelievably hot. His chest was so hairy. I had no idea how old he was, but I knew he was hot.
"Fuck yeah," I said as I was stimulated to the max from both sides.
Trent started pounding my ass like a linebacker. I was going to feel this for some time. But I didn't want it to stop. I was moaning in approval as he reamed me with his adulthood. This other man yanked on my meat as he slurped the head. He teased the shaft gently with his teeth which electrified my entire groin. He knew what he was doing. Stimulation reverberated through my whole crotch. I was close to coming — these two men were thrusting my libido into overdrive.
"Lance," Trent gasped. "I'm going to come in you!"
That was too fucking hot; it pushed me to the edge.
"I'm gonna come!" I screamed.
This teacher stroked my cock so hard. I exploded all over his face. He then took me in his mouth again and the rest of my load finished pumping into his throat. This guy was good. This orgasm was intense. My heart was pounding, my cock was still throbbing, and I needed air. I breathed in deeply. He kept his warmth around my penis. I knew there was nothing left to swallow, but him leaving it there felt nice. I knew I had to eventually slide it out. I didn't want to. It felt so good with his mouth around it.
"Oh, yeaaaahh," I said as it escaped his face. The tips of moustache and beard hair gently tickled my organ.
This Mr. Terry was a mess with my cum on him. I'm sure Trent and I needed a rinse too. We turned the water on. In the hot spray, I fondled and groped Trent a little more. I loved touching his dick. I had wanted to do that for so long. I turned him around and gave him a big kiss. I hadn't kissed many guys. I wanted to kiss Trent. I had to kiss Trent.
"That. Was. Hot." I whispered into his ear.
After we got out of the shower, we only had Trent's towel to dry all three of us. It was awkward. I suddenly felt odd. It was just fooling around, right? Nothing more? This teacher guy seemed pretty cool. I guess. How often does he do this? Do lots of teachers do this? I didn't care. I was glad I did it with Trent. I knew I wasn't gay or anything. I tried to act casual as we stood there talking basketball. I was hoping that this wouldn't be a one-time thing. I hoped Trent would fool around some more with me. Just as friends. I wanted to be more to him. I hoped he would want to spend more time with me.
I marked some dates on my calendar. I now knew the times of most of the meetings and which ones fit my schedule. If Ophelia would be there on Wednesdays, I would make a commitment for that. I'd do at least two a week. If that was the case, I could get my license back in just a few weeks.
—
Evan came home from a day out with a coworker. I hadn't talked a lot about the AA meetings with my cousin, although he knew I was attending them.
The two of us cooked up an Asian stir fry. As I asked about his day, he seemed rather excited. While he and his friend had a good time, he apparently met a girl during the artist fair. It was a friend of his coworker. He didn't think it was necessarily a setup, but it might have been. Regardless, it worked. I was glad.
Evan had only been here a few weeks, but he was fitting in well. He seemed to like Jackson Bend, and his work was a promotion from his hometown, so ... good for him.
I told him I felt better for having shared at the meeting. And at the meeting I did. Now that I had heard Evan might have met someone, I wasn't sure why, but I felt worse. What a horrible reaction. I was happy for him. I was. So, I guess I was just unhappy for me.
I was trying to be better about Trent. Our friendship had remained intact, and that was the most important thing. I didn't drive him away with my continuous advances. We took it in stride as friends, but underneath all those jokes was a true yearning to be with him. I just never told him that was what I wanted. And to be honest, I was avoiding admitting to myself that was what I wanted. As typical Lance Wheeling, I wanted everything just the way I wanted it. And that wasn't going to happen.
I called Dad once I was in my room. I told him I shared. He was happy that I was doing better. Not once has Dad said anything judgmental. I had been open to the group, so surely, I could be to this man that is so awesome.
"Dad, I should probably tell you something. It's not easy for me to say, but you have been an incredible dad, and I feel like I can."
"You can tell me anything," he replied.
"Dad, I'm gay." I just blurted it out like ripping off a Band-Aid. It was silent for a second. I wasn't sure if I should wait for him to say something or if he thought I would offer more. "Are you surprised?"
"No, son. I've known for some time. Maybe before you even knew."
"How?"
"Well, I didn't have proof, but I could see it in you. I could feel your struggle even if you didn't know you were struggling. Your brother didn't help ..."
"Oliver has never done anything to me," I said, sounding surprised.
"Yes, he has. You just didn't realize it."
I was confused. I didn't understand what he meant.
"We'll talk about that when I come down to help you pick out a new car. That's not important right now. The most important thing — the ABSOLUTE most important thing — is for you to know how much I love you. Nothing will ever change that, son." He paused for a moment. "Unless you buy an Audi."
I laughed and teared up at the same time.
"Thanks, Dad. Does Mom know?"
"I've shared my suspicions with her. She thinks I'm making too many assumptions, but obviously, I'm not. She has said she would be okay if that was the case, but we don't really talk about it. I'm glad you felt you could tell me though."
"It was hard. I just finally was able to say it out loud earlier today. I've never said it out loud. I thought if I could say it to people that don't really matter, I could to the most important influence in my life."
"Well, thank you, son. I wish you luck in meeting the right person one day. I will be happy to meet him."
I thought about how different that conversation was for me than what Trent had to go through. His dad had been such a dick. Trent felt like he couldn't even stay at his parents' home. His mom seemed cool, but ... I'm lucky. Dad is amazing.
"I'm very lucky to have you for my father."
"I'm happy to have you as my son. I'm proud of you, Lance. You're making big steps. I look forward to seeing you in a few weeks."
In bed I stared at the ceiling. My wrist was starting to throb a bit, but not enough to make me want to get up and take something. It was my heart that was really killing me.
I accepted that Trent chose Mike weeks ago. They had been awesome about including me in things. I had certainly appreciated that. Still, there are times that I just longed for him to be here, lying next to me. Just to be able to hold him. Or in this case with my wrist, for him to hold me. I can't completely shove that vision of my life away. Had I only pulled my head out of my ass last year, things would have been different. The two of us would have come out together. I'm sure he could have convinced me to do it. But what's done is done. I needed to find someone else, but when I knew I wanted Trent — to be more than he is able to be — how do you just move on to someone else? With no classes, no team ... where would I meet someone? Bars? Yuck. I didn't want to try to replace Trent with pickups. I did that with alcohol. I wanted what he and Mike had. I just didn't know how to get it.
I didn't think I was crying but I felt a drop travel down my nose and drip on my pillow. I sniffed and tried to stop my eyes from watering. I thought of something else. I thought of work. There were tons of members working out there. Maybe I could meet one of them. I would make a concentrated effort to pay attention to any hot men working out. Or just men working out. I reached down and grabbed my cock in my briefs. I slid out of them and started stroking my penis until it was fully erect. And I thought about Trent again. For a long time.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
"And just exactly how do I do that?" I asked myself, with my chest covered in ropes of my cum.
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If you are a new reader and this story interests you, welcome! You might have assumed there was some possible backstory here. That is correct. Hi, I'm Lance is a third book in a trilogy of sorts. It continues on from Extracurricular and If It Weren't For the Two of Us, both of which are in "Adult Friends."
More information is available at my blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com
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