Colin:
I closed my eyes and tried to pretend to be in some far away place, on a beach. I heard the sea and the birds, the wind blowing slightly. Lying on the floor next to me was Aiden, looking at me with his pretty eyes. I could count his ribs, and I could see most of his bones with no more than his skin covering them. He looked weak but his love was powerful. He didn't speak, but his look told me enough. We didn't touch, we were just there, together... And he was beautiful. "You wanna live fag? Huh? You wanna enjoy another breathe?" It didn't help, the pretending never helped. "Answer me faggot!" he yelled in my ear and I opend my eyes to see a group of guys around me, one of them holding me by my neck and holding me against a wall. I nodded. "Good. Good, I like your choice." he said gently, but the evilness in his voice was not to be mistaken. "Now, I think we all agree that we don't want no faggots around here." he said as a wide grin appeared on his face. "And if you choose to live." he said "You will let us help you. We will cure you." there was a short pause before he continued "You do want to be cured, don't you?"
"Where the hell were you?" "I'm sorry." I lowered my head and stood infront of the couch where my mum was sitting. "Don't give me that, where the fuck were you?" she stood up and spilled what was left of her beer. "I-I-" "Stop stuttering you idiot!" she exclaimed again and I lowered my head back. I closed my eyes and fought back the tears. "Worthless piece of shit... All I do is work all day... How can you do this to me... I can't believe this" she began walking around, cursing and mumbling. "Mum, I-I-I'm- "Just shut the fuck up! Shut up!" she suddenly raised her head and looked at me with her mad eyes and came storming across the room at me. I quickly covered my face, before her hand came slamming down my body, hitting it again and again. "You-brat! How can you do-this-to-me!" she screamed and hit me everytime she spoke. It hurt. I tried not to cry or talk because I knew that would piss her off more. I knew I should have came home earlier... I just thought she would be somewhere on the floor passed out. I guess she hadn't drank enough yet. Finally, she stopped and I looked up carefully. "Get the hell out of here." she said. I made a move to the stairs but she started yelling "I said get the hell out of here faggot! Get out of my house!" "W-What-" "Get out, fag!" she exclaimed and I jumped back. I didn't know what to do... I felt the tears in my eyes and I couldn't let her see me cry. I knew better than that... I knew what she would do. I looked at the door and the back at her. She was red from anger and the look in her eyes told me not to mess with her. So I walked to the door and ran out. I didn't look back. I just ran.
Why aren't you talking to me? What did I do? I love you Colin, don't do this to me... Please. I looked around the class to see if the jocks saw the piece of paper landing on my table. They didn't. I grabbed a pen, but then took a pencil instead, so it wouldn't be as clear I'm so sorry Aiden, I love you too, but please, don't talk to me, please. I dropped the pencil thinking how horrible I was, how selfish and cruel. I looked at the group again, and then threw the paper at Aiden. I couldn't dare looking him in the eyes. No way could I live through that. The paper came flying down on my table again, but I just grabbed it and threw it back at him. I tried to focus on my notes and what the teacher was saying, but I couldn't. I could feel tears in my eyes and I couldn't see very well anymore. I felt my stomach turning around and around. Then the school bell rang. Thank god. I shoved my books in my backpack and ran out. I hurried to the bathroom, and kept close to the wall. I prayed to god no one would notice me. I just wanted to drink some water. I opend the door and fell on the sink. Tears started running down my face, and all my emotions burts out. I sat on the floor and grabbed my backpack. I threw out all of my books and panicly serached for it. Where the hell was it!? And there it was. I took it out and squeezed it hard. My little pink teddy. It was soaked in my tears and it was crying with me. I squeezed and hugged it tighter. "Now what do we do?" I whispered to him.
My brother gave me this teddy on my 11 birhtday. He told me to always have it with me, everywhere I go, so neither of us would ever be alone. Ofcourse, I was too cool to carry that pink fluffy thing with me, so I threw it somewhere in my room. 3 days after that, a police man came to our home. I saw my mother crying and came running down the stairs. "What's wrong mum?" The police man looked at me sadly, and pet my head. I pushed his hand off and looked at both of them. Mum hugged me tightly and sobbed. "Mike's gone sweetie. He went to heaven." she said in tears. Those words were the last words that came from my mother. After that, she wasn't my mother anymore... She turned into a person I never knew. She started drinking and doing drugs. With that came the beatings, taking care of her, myself and my little sister, working... I loved my brother more than anything in the world. I ran into my room that day and searched for that teddy for two hours before I finally found it. Since that day on, for five years, I've been carrying my teddy with me wherever I went. If it wasn't for my teddy, I wouldn't be alive today. I would have killed myself for sure.
"Colin." I cleaned off the tears and looked up to see him. "W-W-What are you doing here." I stuttered. "Colin, please, just tell me why you're doing this." he begged me, going down on his knees in front of me. "I-I-" I sobbed and I had no idea what to say. "Please, I can't-" He must think I'm crazy. He'll hate me. I know he will, they all do sooner or later. "No! Tell me dammit!" he yelled and made me jump a little. He calmed down and said "I love you Colin, I'm not letting you go." I can't do this. It's either I hurt him or they will. And I can't let him get hurt...
"What's going on here?" I looked up to see a bunch of jocks standing at the door, staring at us. My hands started shaking and scary thoughts were running through my head. They'll just hurt both of us. "G-Get away from me fag." I exclaimed and pushed Aiden on the floor. He looked at me with wide opened eyes, and I saw pure pain. He wasn't mad, he was just... Hurt. Horribly. I could feel my stomach turning and my head hurt, and the word I swore I'd fight against and never use... I used it... On Aiden. I had no fucking heart. A person with a heart would never have done this... I tried to tell him it was just pretending with my eyes. I tried to show him I was hurt too, that I didn't mean it, that I loved him. "In-your-face, faggot!" someone yelled and they all laughed. The red-haired one stepped forward to pet my head. "That's a good boy." then he pulled me by my shoulder through the door. I turned around to see if he was looking at me, to mouth him a Sorry, but he wasn't. He was sitting there, broken, staring at the floor with blurry eyes. He hated me.
"This wasn't so hard, now was it?" the guy asked me nicely and put his hand on my shoulder. We walked into the big room Aiden hated, the place where everybody ate. I searched the room quickly to see if he was there, and I found him. He was sitting at a big table, all alone. He was staring at his food and playing with it with a fork. I begged God he'll eat it... The last thing I wanted to do is to send him through hell again. He took the yogurt and took a small sip. I smiled. My baby... "May I have your attention please!" the redhead exclaimed. Everybody looked up and the whole place went quiet. We were standing on the top of the stairs, so everybody could clearly see us. "Break that faggot!" someone yelled and clearly he meant me. I looked down at the floor. Oh god, I was such a pussy. I made all gay people look bad. Like a bunch of scared losers. I always looked down, when someone said something to me. Always, I never fought back. I just whispered a 'I'm sorry', not even knowing what I did wrong. "Speaking of faggots-" he began. "This kid here is, from this day forward, no longer one." he smiled with pride. "He's as straight as it gets. And so will all the other little cocksuckers be, when I get my hands on them." Everybody started screaming and clapping. Aiden didn't move. He just ate his lunch. He didn't even look at me... I wanted to run over and kiss him for everyone to see. I didn't want to be straight. Not anymore. Not now. Everybody loved me now... But Aiden didn't. And his love is the only love that counts.
"Hey kid, where you goin'?" I turned around to see the redhead, whos name was still a secret to me. "H-Home." I whispered, not really knowing where I was going to go... "Good. See you tomorrow kid." he waved at me nicely and winked. "Oh and kid -- Watch out for them faggots." I wasn't looking at him, I turned around and started walking. Then I stopped. I cannot do this. No. I've waited my whole life for someone like Aiden. I turned around and ran towards the school. No one was there anymore, and the halls were empty. Shit. I walked out. And there he was. Sitting on a bench in the shadows, sobbing quietly I could barely hear it. I looked around. No one was here... I could... And I remembered my mothers words. "Don't be such a pussy, be a man!" Never really thought they'd help... But they did. "I'm not." I whispered to myself and walked towards him. The person I loved. I was now staning infront of him and he looked up quickly. His eyes were filled with tears and the cheeks dirty from the ruined makeup. I opened my mouth but the words choked their way back down. I couldn't... I didn't deserve speaking to him. "Get away from me." he said through his teeth with such anger and pain... It hurt me just to hear it. "I-I-" "Get the hell away from me!" he jumped to his feet. "I fucking hate you! Do you not understand that? I hate you!" he exclaimed loud enough for a deaf guy to hear it. I didn't know what to do... I thought he'd understand. "I'll explain-" I began but he wouldn't let me finish for shit. "You left me! You fucking left me when I needed you the most! I don't give a fuck what they'd do to me! I'd rather have my bones broken than my fucking heart." I was speachless. He was so right... So fucking right. I left him. And I knew what that was like. To be alone, to go through all that alone... "Oh my god..." I whispered and I felt tears rolling down my face. "Yeah, how does that feel, huh? Does it hurt? Well take that and imagine the pain being 100 times bigger. Then you'll know how I felt. How you made me feel." His body was shaking by now. "I'm so sorry. Please, I- " "Dont! Just... Shit.." his voice cracked and he fell on his knees. I went on my knees next to him and hugged him. He struggeled to get free and once he noticed I wouldn't let go he started yelling. "Don't fucking touch me, I hate you! Get away from me!" And as much as it hurt and made me weak, he was weaker. I held him tight and kept repeating the words "I love you." "Let me go! I fucking hate you, I hate you!" he screamed and struggeled. "I don't care, I love you." I whispered. Then his fighting turned into sobbing. He finally broke and let go. He sobbed and cried loudly. I just held him. Then he raised his arms and hugged me, pressing his face in my chest. "I fucking.. hate you.." he whispered weakly. "I'm here now, Aiden. And I love you too." I whispered back, and I knew he didn't mean what he said. At least I wished he didn't.
KNOCK KNOCK
"Bobby... No... Not that pie..."
KNOCK KNOCK
"Bobby-"
"Hello!?"
Uh... What...
"He's not here, let's go." "No! You came here to face him, and that's what you're gonna do." I would explain... But I have no idea what's happening. I blinked a few ten times, slapped myself, scratched my back and got out of bed. I put on my furry slippers and slowly made it to the door. "Wha..." Everything went quiet and finally I could see clearly. "Um..." I began as I stared at Ashlee. "Hi Meg." I smiled weakly, turning to Ashlees best friend. She sighed and rolled her eyes half way. "Ash has something to say to you." she said with the hinthint tone, and pushed her friend a little forward. "I gotta run." she added simply, turned around and left. We stood there for about 5 minuts, looking at everything else but each other. "So what is it that you want to tell me?" I finally broke the silence with the only thing I could think of. "Um..." "Oh, right, come in." Duh! I don't think she would come to me if it wasn't really important, and she wouldn't tell it to me standing at the door. We walked in the living room, I could see the light making its way through the dirty curtains. I glanced at the big wall clock. Ha, I bet that was stolen. I smiled at myself. It was 11 in the morning. Just then I noticed the strong smell of weed dancing in the air. "So, what are you doing here?" she asked casually. "What?" "What are you doing at Nicks?" she asked with a raised brow. Oh! "Oh. I um, spent the night here." I mumbled quietly, while nervously paying with my fingers. "Oh." I nodded. The silence continued for a few minuts. "Are you still..." "Yeah." I answered, not waiting for her to finish, because I knew she couldn't even say it. "Yeah, Ash, I'm still gay." She nodded. "I was hurt." she whispered and looked up at me. Tears were running down her face and leaving black mascara tracks behind. "So was I." "I forgive you, you know..." "Forgive me!?" I exclaimed. "For what? For telling you the truth?" She looked down. A quiet sob escaped her mouth and she squeezed her fists. "I loved you!" she yelled "I fucking loved you." "I wish you didn't. I wish you would never have gone through what you did, Ashlee." A sad look changed her angry expession and she collapsed in my embrace. I held her close and stroked her hair until my hand was too tired to move. "I wish you weren't like this." she said sadly, with a voice of an innocent dissapointed girl, who just got screwed over by the world. She was right, though. Wasn't she? What will my life be like? I won't get married, have children, a nice family... People will hate me until the day that I die, and when I do, they will come spit on my grave. "I wish so too." I whispered back and kissed her forehead.
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