Okay, so I Have completely slowed down recently. This is mostly due to an absolutely crazy July, which spilled over into August. This update only took a week... I am completely charged on my story again so I am taking advantage of the inspiration while it strikes... This is my first story so I love getting feedback on what people like/dislike about the story so far. My name is Richard and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com. I will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc.
The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with 'No Strings Attached'. As a FYI, I am writhing this story I most enjoy stories - good characters, good story and good sex (but later) I will switch around the focus of the story giving each character a chance to develop. They will all have their secrets that will unfold as the story goes along, but then again don't we all have our little secrets. But I can assure you that they won't all have the same secret.
As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and meant for amusement only. If you shouldn't be reading this because of your age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you.
What JC cannot see is that Lance's eyes are now open and rage is flashing across his face...
JC lands with a crash on the ground as Lance pushes him away from his bedside screaming, "What do you mean you love me? No wonder my mind has been so confused lately, you have been trying your fag crap on me. You have been trying to make me confused. I could just kill you!"
"Wha..." is all JC is able to utter. The maelstrom that has been released overwhelms his mind. 'He heard me when I was talking. He knows I am gay. He is pissed off and angry. He hates me. What confusion?' Thoughts flew through JC's mind like meteors. "Lance, I never..."
"Save me that shit, JC" Lance sneers, "At least do me the favour of not denying it. I heard you. You said you were in love with me and that you wanted me to be gay too. You want me to burn in hell as well."
"Lance, please listen to me." JC tried again as he got back on his feet only to be interrupted yet again.
"Just shut up and stay away from me you faggot." Lance's fury continues to build.
"Lance, please listen to me." JC pleads.
"I don't want to hear anymore of your crap JC. You had me fooled completely. I thought you were my friend, but all the time you just wanted to get inside my pants." Lance glares at JC.
"No Scoop, that's not the way it is. I am your friend." JC cries, tears streaming down his face now, "I didn't want to fall in love with you. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Never call me Scoop again. That is a name only my friends can call me." Lance says coldly.
"Lance, please, can't you try and understand?" JC gasps.
"Shut your faggot mouth and get the hell out!" Lance screams and turns to point at the door only to see six eyes three mouths gaping back at him.
Justin, Chris and Joey had walked through the door and overheard JC tell Lance that he had fallen in love with him and for Lance to call him a faggot and tell him to leave. They looked at JC first. Then, Lance. Then, each other. Words failed the boys as they scrambled to process this new information.
JC groans "Oh god!" as he sees the rest of NSYNC standing before him.
"JC," Justin begins, "Is it true?"
"Yes," JC sobs, "I'm gay. I was going to tell you guys a couple of weeks ago when management revoked our time off. After that, I just chickened out.
I'm sorry guys. You're like brothers to me, and I feel awful for keeping this from you."
"And you're in love with Lance?" Chris asks.
"Yes, I have been since almost the time I met him; but he is not gay I know that now." JC says quietly.
"You're damn right I'm not, and I should kill you for trying to make me gay you faggot." Lance blasts JC.
"Lance!" Joey shouts. "That is enough. I know JC hurt you or startled you or whatever, but there is no reason to kick him while he is down. He is gay. You are not. He is in pain and feeling vulnerable. You are feeling hurt and betrayed. I am sorry for that, but do not make matters worse by inflicting more harm."
Justin nods his head in agreement with Joey's words surprised that the usually laid-back and somewhat goofy Joseph Fatone commanded such articulation when he wanted. 'JC is gay... I can't believe it!' Justin 's mind is filled with the ramifications of this news.
"Thanks Joe," JC says wiping his eyes. "I knew you'd be there for me bro."
"Always JC," Joey replies "I only wish you hadn't felt it necessary to keep it from us. It must have been so hard. I understand why you must have done it. I guess I just want to say that I can understand why you did what you did and that it doesn't matter to me one bit. Nor, does it matter who you love or have wild monkey sex with! You're my brother, and I love you man." Joey's eyes matched the tears in JC's as the two friends pulled each other into a tight hug.
"So much makes sense now," Justin begins as JC and the rest turn to look at him. "There were rumours about you when we were on MMC. A couple of times I walked in on guys as they were laughing, and they would instantly get quiet. I don't know if they thought I was too young or if they knew I was your friend. But I always suspected they were talking about you. Once I overheard Ryan talking to some of the others, and I swear that he said you were a good fuck. I asked him what he meant, but he told me to ask you. I chickened out, and after awhile, I forgot about it. You and Tony always seemed so close that I sometimes wondered if you two were a couple, but he was always so in to Keri that I passed it off as a very close friendship. All these years too we've been calling you 'Sleepy' because we thought you liked to sleep so much but I always suspected you were really sneaking out to all hours of the night. I even followed you one night about 6 months ago. We were in Philadelphia for some show and you slipped out of the hotel about 2am. I heard you from my room next door and wondered where you were going. I followed you for a few blocks but lost sight of you. I wandered around and realized that everywhere I looked I saw gay bars and dance clubs.
I eventually gave up and went back to the hotel. The next morning I came into your room to wake you up and noticed a note on your jeans on the floor.
I read it and it said 'Thanks for the hot night' and it was signed 'M' and had a phone number. I called the number later and a guy answered and I hung up. I guess I put that out of my mind too. JC, I'm sorry for snooping like that but you are my closest friend, and I felt like you were keeping something from me. Which of course you were..."
The guys were stunned into silence as Justin revealed a window into JC's past. JC winced with Justin's words for he had hoped that no one knew what he had become. He would have sex with anyone at one point. He craved feeling close to someone and the few minutes of intimate contact made the world seem okay.
"I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark J," JC begins, "I never meant to make you worry. Thanks for being concerned about me and I forgive any snooping that went on. I completely understand and probably would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes. I have one question for you though... did you mean what you said?"
"Huh?" Justin answers with a puzzled look on his face.
"When you said I am your closest friend, you said that in the present tense... do you really mean it?" JC asks the question fearing the reply.
"I... uh..." Justin stutters, "JC, of course I meant it. We have been through so much that you are not getting rid of me that easily."
A huge smile blazes across JC's face as his liquid eyes again filled with salty tears. He pulls Justin into a hug and whispers, "I love you bro" in his ear.
The two friends separate and JC turns to look at his other band mates. "This is completely not how I wanted you guys to find out, but I am glad that it is finally out in the open." JC says.
"Look, JC." Chris stumbles over his words, "I'm honestly not sure what I feel about you being gay and all. I'm sorry but you'll have to give me some time on that, but what I am sure of is that I am hurt that it took you so long to tell us. I know you needed your time and to feel safe and all but we are a family and it hurts to know that you don't trust us enough."
"You're right Chris," JC answers, shame turning his face deep red, "I should have trusted you guys. You take your time too and let me know if you need to talk.
All the warm-fuzzy moments are shattered when Lance starts screaming again. "How the hell is this happening!!! JC announces that he is a sin against god and that he has given himself to anyone with a dick and that he has been trying to lead me down his same wicked path and the three of you celebrate him for that!!! I don't even want to be in the same room with him much less have to be in this band with him!" Lance's tirade is cut short by the sound of the door slamming. He blinks and notices that JC is no longer there.
"Lance!" Joey reprimands, "You need to get over it bro. I know you have some different views on gay people than I do, but JC is our brother and we have to support him."
"Like hell I will!" Lance shouts.
"Normally I respect your deep faith Scoop," Joey says calmly, "but some of your ideas are way out-dated. I mean the catholic church is even more enlightened in some matters that the southern Baptists. Being gay is not a death sentence nor is it a one-way ticket to burn for eternity."
Lance is stunned into silence. He has never thought to question what his minister and his parents taught him about church. They always seemed so sure of what they were talking about, and he found comfort in that.
"Besides Lance," Justin snaps, "The guy you just condemned is the very one that saved your life today. He risked his own neck to catch you before you fell off the stage."
Justin doesn't wait for an answer before he hurries out the door to go find his friend. 'JC is gay. I can't believe it.' He thinks as he rushes down the hall looking for JC. His mind flows back over the years that he has known JC looking for signs that should have told him the truth earlier. 'If I had known JC was gay, would it have made it easier on me?' His mind continues to spin as he thinks about he last few weeks for himself. He remembers checking his email the day that Tay had first emailed him and his anxiety over waiting for his reply. Justin's mind drifts back to those times in the past weeks.
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Randy,
I am honoured and touched that you would share your thoughts with me. Never think you are silly or foolish and never feel embarrassed to be honest. Not only do I not hate you, I feel closer to you than ever (which I know seems odd since we have never really met... but I do) and I also share those same feelings. I finally accepted that I was gay last year. Just like you I used to convince myself that it was because of the abuse... it made my anger and resentment for the abuse even stronger. It was easier to blame the bastards than accept my own feelings. I've been hurt before because I was too afraid to admit my own feelings, but now, I command my own fate.
I have no idea why we are feeling this connection. I am feeling it too in case you are wondering. All I know is that I am enjoying it, and hope that in some small way, I am helping you in the process. I look forward to seeing you soon at a meeting online so we can talk in real-time.
All my best, Tay
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Justin immediately responds to Tay and pours his own feelings out further. He also promises to meet him online that very evening.
Justin follows a grey line down the floor of the hospital looking for JC. It is a huge place and there are people everywhere. The white walls and commotion all around him are beginning to wear him down. 'Where is Josh? Dammit!' His mind is still thinking about Tay and his memory shifts him back to the online meeting.
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I see the gang is all here. Glad that everyone could make it today and glad to see some returning new faces.
He means you Randy.
<Randy> I thought he might be :)
Am I really that transparent? I'll go ahead and open up the floor to anyone that needs it unless anyone has any announcements.
I have an announcement!
What I meant to say was does anyone have an announcement other than the fact that Petey loves his Tim?
Hrmpf... You are absolutely no fun whatsoever! As a matter of fact my announcement was going to be that Tim has a cute butt!
Hey! Don't bring me into your misbehaving ways hun!
You two are cute and all, and I am jealous as hell of your relationship, but we have a meeting to begin.
Anyone need to begin?
I will. I know I haven't said much before, but you guys have inspired me. I feel better than I have in ages. I have finally entered therapy and actually told someone what happened to me. Or, at least part of it.
That's terrific Steve. Tell us more about how things are going.
Well, a little background... my abuser was my father. I cannot remember a time when he wasn't molesting me so I have to assume that it had been my whole life. He raped me daily until I ran away at 16. I lied about my age and joined the navy. I thought that things would get better for me there but they didn't. I was so confused and the only way I knew to seek approval was through sex. I became the ship's whore. There probably wasn't a sailor on board that didn't fuck me in some way or another. I craved this attention.
Wow Steve, that sounds like it was a rough time in your life.
Yeah, it was. I both loved the sex and hated it at the same time. There is more to the story though. You see. I am straight. Or, at least as straight as I can be after all of that. I promise you, I am not one of those guys that is pretending that he is not gay because he is too uncomfortable with being gay. I thought I was gay for several years, had relationships (sort of), but things changed a few months ago.
I have to admit... I am bit confused.. but please go on Steve.
Thanks Tim... I hope I am not offending you or any of the other guys in the room.
Don't worry Stevie... you're not... keep on sharing dude!
Thanks. Anyway, a few months ago I sort of had a melt down. I got word from my sister that my dad had died. I refused to go to his funeral but all this shit came up for me. I hated that bastard but I still never felt good enough. You know what I mean? Anyway, I sort of flipped out at work one day and started crying and couldn't stop. The EAP people sent me to a therapist. And that's what lead me to start coming here. I needed extra support and there are no SIA groups in my area.
That's great Steve, and you are certainly a welcome addition to our little group. For those of you who are wondering EAP=Employee Assistance Program. Some companies have this as a way of providing mental health services to it's employees.
Thanks Richie... I was wondering that, but I'm still confused as to how Steve is now straight?
Oh yeah... well, I might not be completely straight, but what I have come to realize is that all my behavior was still directed toward gaining my father's approval. Now that I am allowing myself to think differently, all my fantasies are about women. It's been very confusing, but I am still working on it.
Steve, I am so happy for you that you are getting things together. I was just talking to someone the other day about how much early abuse screws up the way you think about yourself.
Thanks Tay... I'm done if you want to share now.
Ummm.. Okay... Guys, I know I don't share that much here, but I really do get a lot out of coming. My hesitation has to do with my job actually more so than my comfort level with you guys.
It's really okay Randy... of course my curiosity is a little piqued but I can respect your privacy.
That's my man! The model of restraint.
I can see that. Maybe I can tell you more soon, but right now I need to keep that part of myself on the DL.
<Randy> I can empathize with that Tay.
Thought you might be able to Randy. Anyway, I guess I have never really talked that much before have I?
Tay, you know you don't have to share unless you want to and are ready.
I know, thanks. My abuse is confusing though. It happened to me both at home and at work. My folks split when I was young. My mom didn't sexually abuse me, but she did emotionally abuse me. She started needing me to fulfill her emotional needs. Then she started dating again. Things got worse. Three of her boyfriends ended up raping me over the years.
<Randy> Oh Randy... I am so sorry.. that should have never happened!
Thanks... actually it should have never happened to any of us. Anyway... here goes... (you'll have to forgive me... I am scared and I have never really talked about this before...) by the time the boyfriends started in on me, I was already no longer a virgin. I had been already raped at work.
Work? I'm confused. This is sounding like it was a while ago and you had to have been pretty young.
I was. I began working at age 8.
<Randy> In the industry?
Yeah... you too?
<Randy> yeah
Sorry to interrupt... but industry? Are we talking a factory?
Something like that. Look guys... I have to go... this is all just too hard right now. Plus, I am needed back at work.
Okay Tay. We'll respect that, but are you going to be okay?
I am... don't worry. I'll be fine. Bye all.
Bye Tay... I'll be thinking about you.
Bye Tay... Take care
<Randy> Bye Tay... Please stay in touch.
I will Randy. Take care.
The room gets quiet for a minute after Tay leaves suddenly.
Does anyone know what happened?
Not really... Hope he is going to be okay. He seemed pretty upset.
<Randy> I'm worried about him guys. He strikes me as being so 'together' and to see him like that... I'm freaking out.
It's pretty normal for people to run from things at first. It is never easy, but people need to be ready to talk. If they aren't they need time. But what tends to happen is that with enough time, people get more comfortable talking.
<Randy> He seems to be such a great guy. We was so nice this week emailing me helping understand some stuff.
Were you who he was referring to earlier then?
<Randy> Yeah, that would be me. I am so confused about so much right now.
Care to share some Randy? Sometimes confusion loves company.
<Randy> Well, last time I was here, and I was asking all those questions to you Tim.
I remember... sorry again for snapping at you.
<Randy> It's all good Tim. What happened though is that you completely rocked my world. I had always thought that I was screwed up totally because of my abuse. But, what I seem to be realizing is that I was screwed up before.
What do you mean?
<Randy> I think I am gay... and not the way Steve was talking about earlier...
And exactly how does that make you screwed up.
Tim, let him talk and let's not judge okay?
Sorry Richard... you're right. Please go on Randy.
<Randy> I'm not really sure what I mean Tim. All I know is that I feel like I am completely out of control and heading for a cliff.
Most important thing of all to remember Randy is to breathe. Everyone... take a deep breath... then slowly exhale...
Randy, you're new to the group so you haven't seen everyone else have a meltdown at one time or another; but trust me you are not alone. As a matter of fact, you are in good company! Hope it makes your bumpy road a little easier to travel knowing that there is an end in sight.
<Randy> It does Richard thanks. Guys, I have to run... I am sobbing like a child right now. I have something to do in an hour and I need to regain my composure.
Bye Randy!! You take care!
Bye Randy... keep on coming back!
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That had been the hour right before this last concert. Right before Lance nearly died. Right before they had to cut their concert short and rush to the hospital. Right before he found out that his best friend in the whole world was gay too. 'Too?' 'I really am gay I guess.'
"JC!" Justin calls seeing his friend curled up in the corner of the hospital's chapel.
The room is quiet and filled with lit candles. Justin supposes that they symbolize the prayers of family members for their sick or injured relatives.
"JC", Justin says more softly. "I have been looking everywhere for you.
"Just," JC looks up at his friend. "Please just leave me alone. I don't think I can stand any more right now."
Justin peers into his friend's deep blue eyes that are surrounded by red. His tear stained cheeks tell the tale of what he has been doing sitting in here alone. "JC, please talk to me."
"Oh god J" JC sobs. "I have screwed everything up so much. I don't blame you all if you hate me."
Justin kneels before his friend and places his hand under JC's chin. He lifts his face until their eyes meet. "JC, I could never hate you." He says softly.
The two friends stare into each other's eyes for what seems like an eternity. Slowly, Justin moves closer to JC. Justin sees confusion and concern in JC's eyes. He feels like he is seeing his friend for the first time. "Have your eyes always been so blue?" Justin whispers as he inches closer to his friend.
"Just, what's going on?" JC asks.
"Shhhhh..." Justin coos. "Don't speak"
And to ensure his request, Justin pulls JC to him and presses his lips on JC's. Immediately, fireworks begin to explode in Justin's mind. His pent-up frustration and lustful energy overwhelm him. His hands pull JC closer too him, and he opens his mouth. He cannot get enough. He slips his tongue into JC waiting mouth and is thrilled when JC responds. Their tongues dance circles with each other matching their steps with precision. Justin inhales air from JC's lungs and exhales his back into JC. The two friends are one. Breathing as one. Their love for each other has been so strong over the years and it finally reaches fruition in this one perfect kiss.
"Justin," JC begins breathlessly, "Why did I never know you felt this way?"
"Because I have only just figured it out myself. Now hush and let me enjoy this" Justin responds running his hands over JC's body.
Justin reaches behind JC's head and begins to pull him closer to him, on top of him. Justin slides to the floor and maneuvers JC directly on top him. He grinds his erection deep into JC's pelvis. All the fears and feelings that had paralyzed him for so long flee as he realizes the perfection that is his lust for this man. There is nothing unnatural here. Nothing sinful.
Only pure attraction and love.
JC's body weight feels like heaven to Justin. He breathes JC smell and tastes his slightly salty skin. His tongue traces the tracks made by the tears on JC's face. Justin's hand slips in the waistband of JC's jeans and cups his ass. Justin cannot get enough of JC's body. He grinds and thrusts his hips up meeting the force of JC's own thrusts. Feelings overwhelm him, and he can barely think.
Instinct takes over where inexperience leaves off. Justin unbuttons JC's pants and slides them off his slender hips.
"Oh god you feel so good" JC whispers. "I never dreamed you could feel this way J."
"JC" Justin gasps. "I have never made love with a man before... Please show me what true love feels like."
With this Justin grasps JC's hard erection and massages it. Justin slides out of his sweatpants and he grinds his own erection into JC's. "Please JC," Justin pleads, "show me how good it can feel."
Justin's pleas are rewarded with renewed vigor in JC's kisses. Justin feels the back of his throat being tickled by JC's tongue. JC slides down Justin's body and Justin revels in the soft kisses JC is trailing down his body. Heaven explodes in Justin's mind as JC softly takes Justin's penis in his mouth. JC's mouth feels more wonderful than anything Justin has ever felt. He loses himself in the feeling and begins to thrust into his new lovers mouth. JC doesn't miss a beat and presses his nose into Justin's pubes. Justin cannot believe how good this feels. It was never this way before. before. before. All those times he had to close his eyes and let his mind slip away while his body was abused. This time it is completely different. He feels tensions slip away and he gives himself totally to his lover.
"Please make love to me JC" Justin whispers with lust filling his voice.
JC pulls off of Justin's penis and their eyes lock. Emotions pent up for years are expressed wordlessly, silently. Slowly JC pulls back and sits up smiling at his best friend in the world. Lust still fills his eyes and his cock drips with excitement. Slowly, he opens his mouth and says "Justin, I can't do this."
Justin pulls himself into a ball covering his nakedness. These words are the worst thing he has ever felt. JC's rejection burns its way into his soul. "What do you mean?" he asks tears filling his eyes...
Well, that's the fifth Chapter. I don't mean to complain or anything, but I only got two emails from the last installment... not sure if that means it sucked or people just didn't get around to writing... let me know :)
Please let me know if you like it so far. any suggestions you have as to where to go with the storylines. again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com
I want to thank everyone who emailed me their reactions to the first chapter. I was truly touched by your kindness. I want to thank Tommie and Clive for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading. I am a fan of too many stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that I eagerly await are:
Nsync Lance and JC - Kevin... you better get JC and Lance back together!!! search and rescue - Matt... you better not let Matt die on the floor. not meant to be - Kyle... you better not let JC and Kyle break up. Nick and Justin - Keep up the good work! Josh and Just - Get rid of that bitch Stacey!!! Tears in your Eyes (can't wait to see where this is going - Colleen keeps it full of surprises)
but those are just a few!