Well, after being an avid reader of stories from the Nifty Archive for some time, I've decided to make an entry of my own. I hope you all like it. If so, let me know and I will continue. My name is Richard, and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com. I will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc.
The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with 'No Strings Attached'. As a FYI, I am writhing this story the way I most enjoy stories - good characters, good story and good sex (but later) I will switch around the focus of the story giving each character a chance to develop. They will all have their secrets that will unfold as the story goes along, but then again don't we all have our little secrets. But I can assure you that they won't all have the same secret. These first parts of the story are also a little dark. I certainly do not condone any of the things done to our young heroes, but I feel it is important to portray it in a way that is true because this story is one of healing. And in order for there to be healing, there has to first be a wound. Bear with me... I promise brighter times are coming.
A little hint for reading this part of the story. It should be evident, but most of this chapter is in flashback form, where JC is remembering times from his past. I tried to make it fairly clear when I was switching (I separated the sections with a series of ========), but if it is confusing, let me know and I will do something with the formatting to make it more obvious.
As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and meant for amusement only. If you shouldn't be reading this because of your age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you.
Light is streaming in through the window as the long lean form of Joshua Scott Chasez stretches to shake himself free of Morpheus' embrace. The guys all tease him about sleeping so much, but they couldn't guess the real source behind him being so tired during the day... or could they?
He pulls his arms down from his stretch and rubs them down his chest, over his tight abs... past his groin, throbbing from a night filled with dreams, and down over his thighs. Each muscle tenses as his long fingers dance over his skin. Fingers that could come alive on a keyboard. Create beautiful music. These same fingers could create great pleasure as well. His hand slowly, deliciously, begins to enclose his hard erection still encased in his black boxer-briefs.
A sigh escapes his lips as his body responds to his own touch. His heart rate increases and his hips buck, straining to press his now aching erection even harder against his touch. His mind is lost in the sensation and all thoughts flee. He thinks of past lovers. He thinks of recent flings. He thinks of future love. JC has been in love three times in his life. Each one is a very different love. He thinks of all of these simultaneously. The physical sensations combine with the flood of mental erotica, and he can wait no longer. With his left hand he pushes his underwear off his hips and over his ass... his right hand immediately grasps his hard penis. There is no thought of making this last... enjoying the moment. Lust has overtaken all thought. Feverously, he strokes his penis... his cock. The orgasm begins in his toes. They curl downward and tense. The feeling moves up through his calves and into his thighs. Each muscle tightens to an unbelievable tension. His scrotum tightens and his testicles pulse sending an eruption from his hard cock. His chest is covered now with white, thick and gooey cum. The orgasm subsides with a deep and soulful sigh. He now lazily runs his finger through a puddle of semen. He brings the finger to his lips and saviors the taste.
Euphoria ends abruptly as the cruel reality of life forces its way back into his thoughts. 'I have to tell the guys,' he thinks. Josh has known he was gay since about the time he became JC. The story he tells the media of being discovered is that a friend coaxed him into auditioning for this new Mickey Mouse Club. What he fails to mention is that he was in love with this friend. His name was KC. He was beautiful, at least to Josh. He was awkward at school and didn't have many friends. He was tall for his age and his eyes were so deep a shade of brown you could see your own reflection. Josh never knew exactly why, but he was immediately drawn to this guy. KC wasn't popular. They didn't have the same friends. But, from the time they first met, Josh knew that they were going to be friends. KC started showing up at Josh's soccer games and they would hang out after. Soon they were staying over at each other's houses all the time. It was shortly after his 13th birthday that Josh realized he was gay.
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He was spending the night at KC's. KC had two twin beds in his room, and KC's was by the window. Josh turned his head and looked over at his friend. It was a warm August night and KC had kicked the covers off his bed. The boys slept in their underwear. They had seen each other naked while changing to go swimming. Josh had never thought anything of it before. Tonight though something changed. He looked over at his friend who was bathed in moonlight breathing the deep slow breaths of slumber. Josh's pulse quickened, and he began to become aroused. For some amazing reason, he wasn't bothered by these new thoughts. They felt as natural as breathing. He felt mesmerized as he arose from his bed and crossed the floor to stand by KC's bed.
KC's breathing doesn't change. It remains slow and rhythmic. Josh on the other hand was beginning to feel light headed. A lifetime of pent up sensations began to swirl. KC's chest rose slowly; only to fall again. Josh's eyes were transfixed on the form of his sleeping friend. He was now standing directly beside KC's bed. He could feel the heat of his body. With a simple gesture, he could touch him. Would he touch him? Josh was certain in knowing that he wanted to, more than he ever wanted anything in the world. He wanted to caress his sleeping friend. He wanted KC to caress him. To kiss him. To what? Josh was a virgin in every sense of the word. He knew what boys and girls could do together, but he didn't know what boys could do with boys. He had heard about blowjobs at school, and maybe boys could do that.
He had an irresistible urge to find out. Slowly, with his hand shaking, he began to reach out to touch KC. His hand is moving on its own. His mind shuts off from the sheer overload of emotion and thought. His hand came in contact with KC's chest, just below his right nipple. A bolt of electricity surged through Josh on contact. In that moment, he knew he was gay; he knew he loved KC; and he knew that there was nothing wrong with that. To him, it was as natural as breathing and as beautiful as...... well what is more beautiful than love?
"What's going on Josh," KC asked in alarm.
Josh pulled back too scared to breathe. He wanted nothing more than to profess his undying love and devotion and grab KC in his arms, but instead, the fear in his head wins out and he replied "you were snoring asshole! Try and keep it down."
"Oh sorry man," KC replied sleepily. "I didn't mean to startle you, but I woke up and you were standing right next to me and I didn't know what was going on."
"Same here man. Didn't mean to scare ya. I was just standing here trying to decide whether or not to smother you with your pillow." Josh laughed back. He amazed himself at how easily he covered up his anxiety.
"I'll try to do better. Now please let me go back to sleep." KC murmured as he rolled over to face the wall.
And that was it. That was one of his last nights sleeping over with KC. The next weekend KC talked Josh into coming with him to an audition for the New Mickey Mouse Club. KC loved to sing, and Josh would join in with him at times. KC said that Josh was as good as he was so he should come to. Josh agreed for three reasons. He had nothing better to do. It sounded like it might be a laugh. And, it meant that he would get to be around KC all day. He hadn't said anything to KC about the other night. In the light of day, his own fear of being rejected by KC took over. He knew he would tell him soon though. 'Cause there was nothing more that he wanted than to be with KC. Josh had no idea how much his life would change simply by going to that one audition.
=======
'It seems like it was only moments ago.' JC thinks to himself. He is unsure about proceeding further down this walk down memory lane. Being in MMC was great. He met a lot of great people. His brother, Justin, to name but one.
But there was also a lot of heartache too. He lost a lot too while part of MMC. He was barely thirteen, and he was swept away from everyone and everything he knew. Hell, he even lost his name. For thirteen years he was Josh, to everyone, and in a few months the world would know him as JC.
He and KC had promised that they would remain friends. That KC would audition next year and that they would be able to be on the show together. Josh offered to not take the part, but KC would hear of it. It was amazing really. This was KC's dream, and Josh was getting to live it. And most surprising of all KC seemed genuinely happy for Josh. The hectic pace of the next few weeks was unbelievable to Josh. His mom and dad were reluctant, but they also knew what kind of opportunity this was for him. Between meeting with business type people from Disney, arranging to move, saying goodbye to all his family, getting all his school records transferred, and beginning a hectic practice schedule; Josh had very little time to see KC.
========
He had tears streaming down his face as his plane took off headed to Florida. His mom, who was accompanying him on the trip, patted his knee and told him everything would be fine. He told her he knew, but he was a little sad to be leaving all he has ever known. Silently, he added to himself, and the guy I love. He promised himself that he would call KC everyday and not lose touch with him.
======
JC squeezes his eyes shut as his memory shifts to his last day in Maryland before moving to Florida. He is in the shower now, and the warm water is little comfort to the cold he is feeling from these distant memories. "Why does it feel so important to me to relive all this right now?" he asks himself out loud. He is rewarded with a mouthful of warm water, but nothing else.
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His family was having a big dinner for him tonight. They were all so proud of him. In fact, there was a banner hung in the living room that proclaimed it to the world. 'We're proud of you, Josh... Break a leg!' KC was coming to dinner as well. There were going to be a lot of his friends here, but KC was different. Josh wanted to make sure that he got to tell him goodbye and spend some time with him. Josh had been in agony over the last few weeks. He yearned to profess his love to KC. He was going to talk to KC tonight!
Dinner was great. Josh had no idea so many people cared about him. His heart swelled with all the love he felt. He sobbed as people took turns wishing him well and saying how much he meant to them. KC elbowed him and told him to stop blubbering. Josh elbowed him back and allowed himself to smile. The evening concluded with Josh singing his audition song, then joining KC in a couple of duets. Everyone applauded and stood up to leave. Josh went over to his mom and asked if he and KC could go for a walk. Josh's mom, Karen, told him sure; but not to be out too late because they had to go to the airport pretty early in the morning.
"That was a great night," KC began, "You're very lucky you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Josh responded.
"What's wrong? You should be on top of the world."
"I know," Josh muttered, "It's just that I wish you had made it to. I don't even think I want to do this anymore. It was supposed to be the two of us taking on the world remember?"
"Listen, Josh," KC answered with emotion filling his voice. "You are the best person I know in the world. Your heart is so big that you want everyone to be as happy as you are. I love that about you. Hell, I love you man, you know? These last few years have been the greatest. You were this popular guy with tons of friends, but for some reason I have never figured out, you became my friend too. That has meant so much to me. I treasure our friendship, but I also know that no matter what we will always be friends. We might be different kinds of friends, but we will ALWAYS be friends. I am happy for you. This is a great opportunity for you. Don't you dare feel guilty that I didn't make it too! Hey, that's their loss! You have to promise me that you will go to Florida and have the time of your life."
Josh was speechless. KC had always been the quiet one of the two of them. He would stand back and allow Josh to do all the talking. This seemed like more than KC had said in the past year! 'He also said he loved me' Josh thought. He meant it like brothers though, but maybe he meant more. He realized that KC was staring at him waiting for a response.
"I.. I. I love you too, KC. You mean the world to me. I want us to be together forever! You have to audition again next year. It would be so great to be in Florida together. You are my best friend. I could never have a better friend no matter how hard I tried. No matter how many guys I get to know. You're the best."
The two friends hugged each other and held on as they cried. This was not a sight one would normally see between two teenage boys. Normally, they would express emotions by slugging each other in the arm, trading snide comments, or the ever popular, pillow fight. Tonight was different. Tonight was special. The emotions that they were feeling were true and honest and had to be spoken. Josh realized that he had professed his love to KC, and he didn't pull away. Instead he was hugging him. Josh hung on as if KC were the last life preserver on a sinking ship.
They parted and KC asked if he was feeling better. "I think so," Josh began, "You are a great person."
"So are you."
"KC.. umm.. did you mean what you said?"
"Every word!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," KC replied. He could see the love in Josh's eyes. He was confused as hell. When he told Josh he loved him, he meant it 'like a brother'. But Josh, .. Josh was different. He really loved him. He could tell. Josh is gay? Am I gay? KC didn't have the answers for those questions. He knew it felt great to have such a friend as Josh, and he never wanted to lose him. He was pretty sure he wasn't gay though. KC had started to notice girls a lot. Everywhere he went as a matter of fact. He thought Josh was just a little behind him on that. Still clinging to his boyhood. Maybe it wasn't that. Maybe Josh was gay and loved men; no loved him. KC moved closer to Josh and took him back in his arms.
"I am sure," KC said. Their eyes lock in place and their heads move closer to each other. Their lips meet. Lightly at first... then more intensely. This is their first kiss. It is a kiss that the two friends will always remember. Josh feels that it is a kiss more perfect than any other kiss in the world. In fact, he is sure that the rest of the world can tell that the perfect kiss is happening right now. They are sitting on the grass in the abandoned playground of the school that is near Josh's house. They kiss forever in one sense, but not long enough in another.
"Wow!!!" Josh exclaimed finally breaking the kiss. "I never dreamed you felt the same way about me."
"How long have you known you were gay Josh?" KC asked.
"A few weeks ago I became sure, but I think I have always known." Josh answered. "How about you?"
"Josh... you are my world right now, but I am not sure that I am gay. I never thought about it before at all, and to be honest, I know I am attracted to girls. But right now, maybe just for this night, I want to be as close to you as possible!"
Josh was puzzled a little by KC's response. He was hoping for him to profess his undying love, but he could understand his friend's confusion. He would give him time. He caught a glimpse of his watch and realized they had been out there for hours! He kissed KC once more and said that they really had to head back to the house. KC agreed and they walked back playfully bumping into each other as they went.
Upstairs in Josh's room, Josh took off his shirt and shorts. In only his boxers, he moved toward KC. They kissed. They kissed again. Josh took off KC's shirt and stroked his chest. KC pulled back and said that he needs to take things slowly.
"I have never done anything like this before either," Josh said. "I know I want you so much right now, but I don't want to do the wrong thing either."
"I can tell you want me bud. You're dick is poking me in the thigh! Let's just sleep together tonight, okay?" KC said as he takes off his pants and lies on Josh's bed.
Josh crawls in next to him and said that he would love that. They kissed and caressed each other for a while more, but finally sleep wins out and the two drifted off to sleep.
The morning was crazy and Josh didn't have a moment alone with KC. His last memory of KC that day was the look on his face as Josh walked down the gate toward the plane. Josh swore to himself that he and KC would be together forever. Unfortunately, forever seems to have a time limit when you are thirteen.
=======
Shaking his head, JC steps out of the shower. He reaches for the towel and begins to dry off. He remembers the night with KC as the most perfect night of his life. 'What are we doing today,' He wonders. His brain was not ready to shift gears yet back to reality though. Without permission, his brain forces him back into his past.
=======
Josh stepped out of the plane and walked into the world of show biz. He was greeted by a suit with a name attached. "Hi there, you must be the Chasez family" Dan Rushton announces.
"Yes," Karen Chasez said. "It is nice to be here"
"I can't tell you enough how happy we are to have you joining the family here at Disney. There are a few things I need to talk to you about on the way to the set. I am going to be blunt here. We are trying to create a family on the show."
Josh looked at the guy in alarm. 'Was he losing the job before he even started?' He wondered.
"Don't be alarmed," Dan interrupted Josh's train of thought. "All I meant was that we already have a young man named Josh on the show, and we need to find something else to call you. Do you have any nicknames?"
"I call him sweetie" Karen jested.
"Mom!"
"You're mom was just joking," Dan laughed. "We noticed that your initials are JC. What do you think of that as a name?"
"JC... well, it's not my name; but I guess it is okay," Josh stated flatly.
"Great! Well it is all decided then." Dan continued. He then proceeded to go on and on about schedules and contracts and stuff that Josh...oops JC could have cared less about. He didn't pay attention again until he walked onto the set. He was blown away by the set. He was beginning to have fun in spite of himself. He is busy exploring his new surroundings when he comes around a corner and runs smack into a body.
JC picked himself up and is greeted with a smile that is as bright as the sun. "I'm Tony," the smile said. "Sorry about that. I promise I dance better than I walk."
"No problem. I'm Jo.. oops JC"
"Are you sure there bud?" Tony teased.
"Yeah," Josh blushed. "It's just that they asked me to go by my initials for the show, and I am not used to it yet."
"That's cool," Tony continued "We're roommates in the dorm so we'll get to know each other well before too long anyway."
"Great" JC said. He was blushing still. Actually, he was flushed. Tony was very cute. JC thought it could be trouble being so close to him all the time, but he had KC anyway. Tony seemed really nice and they seemed to 'click' so he was sure it would work out okay.
He kissed his mom goodbye and went about settling in. The first month was hard work. They rehearsed the entire day, 7 days a week. He and Tony grew very tight. They were always together. JC grew more attracted to him as the days went on. Tony was a truly great guy. He was funny, crazy, sincere and wild. He kept JC laughing even when he was depressed and missing home. Missing KC. The other folks on the set seemed cool too. Dale became the third musketeer of their little group. JC felt like some hormonal floodgate had been released the night he and KC kissed. Granted, all the guys on the set were picked because they were handsome; but JC spent hours each day drooling over the guys. Aside from Tony, there was this guy Blain that was so hot. He was cocky and arrogant and no one seemed to really like him, but JC could barely breathe anytime he was around. He downplayed all of this when he talked to KC. He and KC laughed about how they were now JC and KC. JC didn't realize that was soon to change.
JC had been fairly homesick during the first months of the show. There was so much going on, and so much to learn that he rarely had time to think about it. Tony was also becoming very important to him. He was a great friend to JC. He could make JC laugh anytime, but also stopped and listened to JC when he needed it. JC thought he could fall in love with Tony, but he was going to be true to KC. He hadn't been able to go home at all since coming down to Florida. He was too busy, but the show was taking a break for Thanksgiving, which was 3 weeks away. JC was going to get to go home and see his family and KC.
JC was counting the days. JC's life took a very different turn two weeks before he was set to leave. The gang had finished taping the show and was done for the day. JC was back at his dorm and noticed he had gotten mail. He eagerly tore open the letter, which he noticed had KC's handwriting on the envelope. His eyes danced over the page as he began to read.
Dear Josh (or is it JC now),
I want to begin with how much you mean to me. You are the best friend a guy could ever have. I hope we will always be friends. I have been very stressed over how to tell you this, and since you're going to be home soon, I wanted to be honest with you and tell you before I hurt you even more.
The night before you left was great, and I will never regret it. But I also know that it wasn't me. I don't know if you are definitely gay or if you are bi, but I don't think I am either. This year at school the girls have been turning my head all over the place. I know I am attracted to girls and fantasize about them all the time. I think my fondness, my love for you as a friend clouded those thoughts that night. I do love you Josh, but as a brother, as a friend. Please let us stay friends. I would be lost without you.
I know you will find someone to make you happy someday. I am sorry that that person won't be me. This is not easy for me to write, as I am sure that it is not easy for you to hear. I hope we can talk more when you are home.
Please don't hate me.
Love, KC -------------------------------------------------
"Hate you! How can I hate you? I love you!" JC gasped as he ran to his room with tears starting to flow.
Before he could get to his room, he ran into (literally) Blain in the hall. Blain grabbed him by the shoulders and asked "Where's the fire?"
JC couldn't hold back any longer and broke down into sobs. Blain led JC out of the hallway and into his room. They sat beside each other on the bed. Blain put his arm around JC and asked what was wrong?
"I got dumped," JC cried. "Right before I was supposed to get to see hi.. er her again."
JC cried harder for a few minutes but finally he choked out a "thank you" to Blain. He had never been that close to Blain, probably because he found him so damn attractive. He turned and looked into Blain's eyes. 'God, he is gorgeous' JC thought. Before he could stop himself, he moved closer and tried to kiss Blain.
"Whoa there bud!" Blain said, pushing JC back. "I'm not like that."
"I'm so sorry," JC cried again. "I don't know what came over me. You were just being so nice, and you are so ... hot."
"You think I am hot, eh?" Blain smiled. "Well, I can't let you kiss me because that is too queer; but we can have some fun if you like."
JC was panicked by the words. He wanted Blain, but he was scared. He didn't want the whole MMC to find out he was gay, but it did feel good to be held by Blain. He was silent as Blain guided him to stand up and then kneel in front of him. Blain undid his belt and opened his pants. Blain pushed his pants down just enough to get his penis out.
"I am going to like having you around even more now JC." Blain sneered as he grabbed him by the hair and pushed his penis toward JC's mouth.
JC struggled at first. He had never done anything like this. 'Is this how I wanted my first time to be?' He thought as his mind reeled. Blain pushed his cock against JC's lips and told him to open up. Lust clouded JC's reason and he opened his mouth and took Blain's hard member into his mouth. He was slow at first but finds he likes it. Blain is so hot and here he is letting JC touch him. Suck him. Blain begins thrusting his hips making his cock go deeper into JC's throat. JC gags but Blain doesn't care. He grabs the back of JC's head and shoves his entire member down JC's throat. Thrust after thrust caused JC to gag more and more. He was worried that he would die because he couldn't breathe. He tried to push Blain off of him but he couldn't get any leverage and Blain was stronger than he was.
"Don't try and stop now cocksucker," Blain jeered. "You know you want this.
You probably have been dreaming about this since you met me. Yeah, I am going to enjoy having a nice cocksucker right down the hall. You will suck me off or anything else I want from you anytime I want, or I will tell everyone just what a cocksucking, whore you are!"
With these final words, Blain shoved his entire cock to the hilt down JC's throat and blasted his cum into JC's stomach. JC scrambled to get Blain off of him. He didn't want this, and he certainly didn't want to swallow his cum. He was terrified now. What had Blain said about sucking him anytime he wanted? 'Christ', JC thought. 'What am I going to do?'
JC sobbed on the floor as Blain pushed him off. He was ashamed. Ashamed that he had done that with Blain, and ashamed that his cock was erect. 'How could I have enjoyed that?' he screamed inside his head.
Blain noticed the tent in JC's pants too. "I see you like that you little fag. That's good, because you're going to be doing it often. The little sluts on this show all want me, but they are such prudes. They all claim to be saving themselves, but I know that they are really whores. But I can give them a break now that I have you!"
"Please Blain," JC begs, "don't tell anyone about this. Please just leave me alone." His words were true, but JC had to adjust his penis before it snapped in half. This made it look like he was groping himself.
"I see you want more eh?" Blain mocked. "Well, I am young. I should be able to give ya want you want. Take your clothes off!"
JC was stunned! When he hesitated, Blain snapped "Now!" JC stood up and pulled his shirt over his head. "Please don't do this," he pleaded.
"Shut up! You know you want this." Blain responded. He grabbed JC by the waist of his pants. He groped JC's still hard cock and said "See, I told you that you wanted this." Blain undid JC's pants and pushed them off his hips and down to his knees. He then pushed JC down on the bed.
JC's legs were tangled so he couldn't regain his footing. He felt Blain crawl on top of him and began poking his cock at JC's ass. "No!" JC yelled, but Blain clamped his hand over his mouth.
"You do that again, and I will really hurt you! Plus, do you really want someone coming in right now?" Blain mocked as he fumbled to get his tube of lotion out of his bedside table. He squirted some on his cock and then aimed it at JC's ass again.
The pain was incredible as JC's ass was invaded by Blain's cock. Blain could care less about this and went to the work of fucking him. Over and over, he plunged into JC's ass. JC couldn't believe his cock was still hard as a rock. He was not liking this! His body was reacting without his permission. Blain would drive deep into him and hit some spot inside him that felt great. The pain had all but subsided now, and he had to admit that it did feel good. BUT this didn't mean that he wanted it. He silently prayed to the god that his mom believed in so devoutly 'Please make this stop!'
JC's prayer was answered but not he way he probably meant. Blain fucked him a few more seconds and then plunged as deep as he could and shot his second load of semen into JC. JC gasped at the invasion, but also at his physical reaction. His own dick shot its load all over the sheets without being touched.
Blain stood up and pulled up his pants. He didn't even look rumpled, nor was there a hair out of place. "I'm going down the hall for awhile. Don't be here when I get back. Oh, but don't worry. We'll do this again soon. Real soon!... but if you ever shoot your nasty fag cum on my bed again, I will make you very sorry!"
With that he lightly smacked JC's face and walked out. JC stood motionless for a moment. His mind couldn't process everything he was feeling at the moment. His legs finally started moving on his own. He was in his room now. The room he shared with Tony. 'Thank the saints Tony is not here right now' Josh thinks. He quickly rips his clothes off and races into the shower. Water, as hot as he can stand, sterilizes his assault. 'How could Blain be such a jerk?' JC thinks. He stays in the shower a long time scrubbing himself. Finally, his tears stop flowing, and he dries himself off. Flopping down on his bed, he quickly is asleep.
==========
JC is standing in his bathroom with a towel around his waist. His mind has been reliving his past all morning. The pains of the past are very much present for JC right now. He stares off into the endless space of the mirror. He is so tired of the life he has been living. He is gay. He has always been gay. He will no longer feel bad about that. He will no longer feel ashamed about that. He will no longer feel guilty about that. And most of all, he will no longer hide it from the people he cares about!
He is finally getting dressed when he pulls his wallet out of the pants he wore out last night. He notices a piece of paper and pulls it out. On it is written 'Thanks Stud, if you want to get together again (maybe somewhere more private this time) call me. 555-1648, and it was signed T.
JC groaned as he read this. "How did I end up like this?" he asks himself, and as if on demand, his mind flashes back into the past.
==========
JC wakes up as Tony comes into the room. "Hey" he mumbled.
"Dude, what's wrong?" Tony asked in alarm. "No offense or anything, but you look like shit!"
"Nothing really Tony," JC lied, "got some bad news from home and I am just tired too."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Tony asked caringly.
For the first time in his life, JC plays the pronoun game. He tells Tony that 'someone' he cared about at home just dumped him. How he had been looking forward to seeing 'this person' so much when he went home soon, and now he is not sure if he ever wants to see 'this person' again.
"Did you get the 'let's be friends line?'" Tony asked.
"How'd ya guess?" JC smiled.
"Sweetheart, it is as old as time!" Tony laughed. He has really grown to care for JC. He always has thought he was fragile in some way, but he has never really known why. He kinda looked at him as a little brother at the same time as a peer. In any case, he could tell that JC was hurting; and he wants to try and help. He pulled JC into a hug and tells him "it will all work out for the best".
JC smiled at first. He felt so safe for a moment, but then the recent event with Blain surged forth in his mind. He begins to cry, then sob. He is clinging onto Tony as if his life depended on it. "Let it all out dude" Tony coaxed. This begins JC's second tale of love, for it this act of kindness, pooled together with everything he already felt about Tony, that causes JC to fall madly in love with Tony. JC's heart is warmed with the realization, but he is also keenly aware of how much he has been hurt by KC at the same time. He makes an oath that he will never reveal his love for Tony. 'Unless, he tells me he loves me first'.
Things settled down for JC after that. At least, they settled into a routine. For the most part he enjoyed being on the show. He had gone home, but had avoided KC. He knew he did want to talk to him and still be friends, but he needed a little time. He wrote him a letter saying as much, and KC wrote back saying he understood. JC and Tony became inseparable. They were always together. Except for the times JC was with Blain.
Blain and JC had sex 3-4 times a week. It was always pretty much the same. Blain would find JC alone and pull him off somewhere. He would get JC to suck him off of he would fuck JC. As soon as Blain reached orgasm, he would zip up and walk off. JC felt awful as he would quickly masturbate himself to orgasm. He needed the release, but he felt dirty at the same time. Blain was his only outlet for sex. He was able to have a physical closeness with a man. JC basically split himself into two. He had emotional closeness with Tony, and physical closeness with Blain. The problem lay with what this was doing to JC.
His secret love for Tony and his secret sex with Blain left him with too many secrets. It also left him thinking that everything about being gay meant you had to hide it. You had to keep it a secret. He also began to believe that being gay meant getting hurt or being used. These beliefs would plague JC for years. They whittle away at his self-esteem, and before he knows it, he begins to accept these beliefs about himself as fact. As the way things have to be.
The rest of that year on the show ends and JC and Tony are as tight as two friends can be. JC has also made up with KC, and he is looking forward to seeing him while he is at home during the hiatus. He truly felt that they were going to be friends. JC even wanted to meet KC's girlfriend. He really did! He wasn't just being nice. He went home determined to rekindle a friendship even though he knew it could only be just that, a friendship. Besides, he was in love with Tony now.
The next year of MMC looked more promising for JC. Blain did not return. There was little information given as to why, but it was rumored that several of the female cast members had complained about him sexually harassing them. JC certainly knew about that. Blain had been harassing his ass all last year. He roomed again with Tony in the dorm as well with the addition of a new roommate. This little blond curly haired boy walked in looking shy as hell and quiet. He managed to stutter out his name was Justin. JC fell for this kid hard. Not in a sexual or lusting way, but instead in a brotherly way. Justin looked so vulnerable and there was a loneliness in his eyes that broke JC's heart. He was determined not to let him be hurt like he had been. He protected Justin like a lioness with her cub. He fiercely defended him when the other guys teased him about being so small or being gay. JC thought he might be gay, but Justin cried every time anyone teased him. So, JC was determined to let this kid grow up without being teased. If he could prevent any pain in this world, he was going to!
JC continued to long for Tony as well. They had kept in close touch over the hiatus, and it was so great to be back together. Tony started dating Keri, and JC could tell it was not just some fling. He agonized over a decision to tell Tony how he felt, but he was too afraid. He couldn't handle losing another love. Tony represented perfect love for JC. They never fought. Not even about cleaning the room. Never. They could spend 24 hours a day together or 15 minutes and be as close as can be. JC feared that there would never be anyone like Tony in his life that was interested in him the way he was.
JC found himself missing Blain. He couldn't believe it himself and cried when he finally admitted it to himself. Blain was an outlet for JC. JC knew that Blain only used him for his own sexual needs, but JC also got to have sex with a hot guy. Granted it was twisted and sick and he was a total bastard, but it was still a sexual release. JC was horny constantly. He looked at every guy in the gym, shower, stage or street.
This problem was solved for JC when he walked into the shower one morning and caught Ryan beating off. Ryan blushed and JC blushed. Ryan noticed JC looking at him repeatedly and asked him if he wanted to give him a hand. JC blushed even brighter, but only hesitated a moment before moving closer to Ryan. He knelt before him and took his hard member in his mouth. JC had gotten pretty good at this through experience, and he soon had Ryan moaning and shooting his load down his throat. Ryan was better than Blain. He stayed in the room while JC jerked himself off. He smiled at JC and said how great that was and hoped they could do it again.
JC knew it wasn't love or really even lust. Just sex. They had sex fairly regularly the rest of the time they were on the show. JC would always give him a blowjob or get fucked by Ryan, and Ryan would watch as JC took care of himself. Twice, Ryan actually stroked JC's cock, but it seemed just out of curiosity. JC was content. He could continue to get his sexual needs met, with a much nicer partner; and he could have his emotional relationship with Tony.
MMC ended and JC was at a crossroads. He wanted desperately to have a normal life and figure out what it meant to be gay. KC had become his closest confidant. He had never told him his feelings for Tony, but KC was always willing to support JC as he struggled with being gay. Tony and Keri were moving off to New York or California to pursue their careers. They were practically married. The last night after the wrap party with the cast, he and Tony stayed up all night talking. Tony confided his fears and dreams to JC for hours. JC's heart was about to burst. He had never felt so close to Tony. Tony interrupted JC's thoughts by looking at him and asking, "what's wrong"?
JC hadn't found the words before Tony began shaking him by the shoulders and begging him to let him know what was going on. JC burst tears. These were all the stored up tears for all the years he had known Tony. He began babbling about how much Tony meant to him and that he loved him more than he had ever loved anyone and that he knew Tony could never accept him and that he was sorry and he understood if he never wanted to speak to him again.
Tony quietly lifted JC's chin and looked him in the eyes. "Thank you," he began, "Thank you sharing that deep and scared part of yourself with me. Thank you for being my friend and being so concerned that losing my friendship meant so much to you. Thank you for loving me. You are the best person I know. For you to love me is more of a compliment than I could ever hope for. I actually even wish I were a little gay, so I could return your love in the way you need me to. I love you too. You are a soul mate to me.
A brother, beyond brotherhood. Your life touches me daily, and I will always be a better person for having known you. But I am not gay. I wish I could be who you need me to be. I wish I could love you like you deserve. I want you to be happy. I want you to find a wonderful man that can love you as deeply as you love him. Never settle for someone who is just there to use you or take advantage of you. Never be ashamed to be gay. Never apologize to me again for being gay or loving me. Never sell yourself short. But most importantly, if you ever again think that sharing a part of yourself with me would cause me to abandon you as a friend as a brother, I will be forced to kick your ass so hard your teeth will break."
Tony smiled as he pulled JC to him. He kissed him softly on his lips and pulled him into a hug. JC was crying so hard that he was shaking. He had let so much out without saying a word. He knew he would always love this man that had him in his arms. He knew it would never be a romantic love, but that was enough for him. JC found a special place inside himself, and he stored all his love for Tony there. His perfect love for this perfect man remained pure... it was just not meant to be.
JC wanted to pursue this career he started. He and a group of friends, including his buddy Justin, were going to start a singing group. JC knew if he did this, he would have to stay in the closet. No one wanted a gay pop star. Shame spread through JC as he pondered this. He had gotten pretty good at answering questions with "I'm too busy right now to date" or "the right girl hasn't come along". Every time he had to say those statements, he felt as if he had lost another piece of his soul.
NSYNC was a success beyond his dreams. JC's whole life had been turned upside down, inside out and backwards! The group really clicked, and he loved the group of guys. Chris and Joey may have been better suited to be comedians, but they kept the group lively. Justin had so much talent in him that it would explode when he would walk onto stage. JC had grown even fonder of Justin. He had grown up so much over the years. Not just physically either. Physically, Justin had become a hottie! But Justin sometimes could display a maturity well beyond his years. The darkness or loneliness in him that was evident back in the MMC days was still there. In fact it might even be worse now. When it was just the five guys, he was fun, fabulous Justin; but around management or even the media at times he could be almost sullen.
JC threw himself into the band and the work. He was still terribly attracted to men. He almost thought that his sex drive was abnormal. The crew, the roadies, his band mates, and the male fans were all constant sources of sexual frustration to JC. He felt better about himself after his talk with Tony, but he had decided he could never come out and be in a boy band. He secreted away that side of him still. He needed sexual relief, but he needed to remain anonymous. At night in whatever city they were in, he would find a seedy bookstore and have quick anonymous sex in the backroom. He always left feeling dirty and unfulfilled, but he had gotten off and that's what he was after anyway.
He had never hated himself for being gay, but he learned that being gay meant heartache. It meant meaningless sex without love. It meant being lonely and never completely truthful. No he didn't hate himself for being gay. He hated that being gay meant he was alone.
==========
A knock on his door, shakes JC from his world of memories. He has cried himself out at this point. "We're heading to Lance's room for breakfast" JC hears Joey call into his room. He responds with a brief "be right there".
He finishes dressing and swears that last night will be the last time he ever had sex in a dark smelly room with some stranger! He will no longer be alone. Tony taught him to love not only him but also himself. He had been having feelings for one of his band mates. He had resisted them because he didn't want to get hurt again. He felt cursed that he could only fall in love with straight guys that will break his heart. No... he was going to push these feelings out of his head.
But, the mid morning sun has burned away last night's fog and JC's fears. He is going to tell the guys that he is gay. He is tired of his life being one big lie. He wants to find love, and he wants to be accepted. JC knows he cannot be open in public, but he should at least be able to be his true self to those closest to him.
He closes his closet door, smiling to himself at the irony, and steps out into the hall. He walks toward Lance's room feeling happier and lighter than he has in a long time.
Well, that's the second Chapter. I know it was kinda long, but JC has quite a story to tell! (I also have a special place in my heart for him!) As you can tell, things look brighter for JC now... and who is his newest love? And will his love finally be returned?
Please let me know if you like it so far. any suggestions you have as to where to go with the storylines. again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com
I want to thank everyone who emailed me their reactions to the first chapter. I was truly touched by your kindness. I want to thank Tommie and Clive for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading. I am a fan of too many stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that I eagerly await are: Nsync Lance and JC, search and rescue, not meant to be, and Nick and Justin... but those are just a few!