Heartbeat

This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between the story and reality are purely coincidental. Please contact the author at doncornelius69 AT yahoo DOT com. Copyright 2023

Please take a moment to donate to Nifty. Your contributions keep the archive going. https://donate.nifty.org/

Authors Note : To those of you have written, thank you. It really means a lot to know someone is reading this.

CHAPTER FIVE

TATE

Things hit differently for us and it took us time to figure that out and realize that as much as we loved one another, we were very different. That Wednesday, Zach came over for dinner and then wanted to stay. Unfortunately for him, I needed to study. I'd been working on stuff for my bio exam when he arrived and after dinner, I told him I needed to get back to studying. He was all about brushing it off.

"It's going to be a cake walk, trust me," he said.

"This time, I can't. I love you, but I'm not you."

He scrunched up his face, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm not as smart as you, I have to study. To you, it's a cake walk, but to me it's work."

"Well, let me help you."

I sighed, "You can't."

"What do you mean `you can't'?"

I looked him and directly, "I have to study a really specific way. My grades weren't been great in 8th grade so my mom found a tutor who worked with me freshman year to figure out how I could study more effectively. This way works best and I have to really concentrate, which is hard when my boyfriend is distracting me."

I stopped for a moment, just to make sure I had his attention. He looked at me, obviously taking all this in.

"I'm not like you. You're not smart, you're brilliant. I see it when I talk to you sometimes and you're already three or four steps ahead of me. I'm not a dummy, but I'm not going to read something once and then know it and be able to apply it. I have to think it through to get it. I wish like hell I was like you but I'm just not, so this is what I do."

He stopped and there was silence. I knew he understood what I was saying, he wasn't working hard to comprehend that. He was working out something different.

"OK, but you already know I'll take care of you."

It was a simple statement, but the words didn't really match his meaning. He meant, 'you don't have to worry about this, I'll get a really good job and make tons of money and you don't have to worry.' `I've got you' didn't just mean emotionally.

"Babe, I love you and I know what you mean, but I WANT to learn this. It's just going to take me a little more time. Anything I do in life is going to require I get through this and I really do want to."

That got through, I could see it in his face as his mouth formed a circle and from it came "oh."

He stood up and said, "Then I'm going to stop distracting you," with a nice smile.

At the door he leaned in to kiss me, softly holding the side of face. He had a way of touching me that left me completely relaxed and it always made me feel incredible. He smiled at me, told me he loved me, and turned to walk to his truck.

At this point, he'd learned how to handle me and what would have made me nervous a few weeks ago now made me cautiously optimistic. Unlike him, I wasn't building detailed plans for the future. What I saw was an older version of him reaching for me as we got out of a car together, literally, in a dream I'd had a few days ago. I didn't know what it was, but I knew what it meant. We were going to stay together and I didn't need to worry about losing myself. In fact, I realized now I'd been a fool to worry about that, something about which I actually felt a not insignificant amount of embarrassment.

I wasn't questioning the future any longer or, even occasionally, worrying over missing out on something. In the days since we'd had sex I'd become quite comfortable with him in particular and our relationship in general. There would be no more thoughts, cursory of otherwise, that revolved around the fear of missing out.

But there was the fact that our relationship was lopsided. He wasn't just physically stronger than me, he was emotionally and intellectually stronger. I felt like there was something I needed to do to help balance us out, but I hadn't figured it out yet.

His strengths, thankfully, didn't make him domineering. If anything, he was supportive and collaborative. He was a source of strength, not someone to exploit my weaknesses.

After I walked him out, I came back in to find my mother with a big smile on her face.

"What? Did you hear our little conversation?"

"Yeah, and I need to tell you a story when you're done." Then she mysteriously disappeared into her bedroom while I sat back down to finish.

About an hour later I was done. I cleared up my mess, grabbed a popsicle out of the freezer, and walked to my mother's bedroom where she was watching TV.

"You all done?" She asked, muting the TV.

I sat heavily in the oversized chair opposite her, "Yes ma'am! And I'm ready."

"How do you think you'll do?"

"I'll get an A. I know it. So, what did you want to tell me?"

"About the path not taken..."

I looked at her curiously, "I don't understand?"

"That's because I've not told you the story. A year before I met your father, I was dating a very bright man and Zach reminded me of him tonight."

"Really?" I asked, genuinely curious. Like most kids, I knew my mother had a life before me, but it wasn't something I really put much thought in to.

She nodded, then continued, "I wasn't really in love with him, so I let him go. That was what I told him. The truth was, I very much loved him, but I was desperately insecure. He was the first man I'd dated who was so far beyond me I actually wondered why he was with me. I let that insecurity eat at me and I invented reasons why we shouldn't be together. I ended the relationship because I was scared."

"You were scared he'd be so absorbed by work that he'd forget about you?"

She shook her head no, "Not even close. I was amazed by how smart he was and over time I became absolutely sure he'd get bored with me and end up leaving me."

"Wow. You really psyched yourself out of a relationship? "

"That's exactly what I did. Only took two years of therapy to figure it out."

"You regret it, don't you?"

"Yes and no. Yes, because he was a wonderful man who would have made a terrific father. No, because a year later I met your father and ended up with you. That outweighs any regret."

"You're afraid I'm going to do that with Zach, aren't you?"

"A little. I wanted to tell you the story so that hopefully you wouldn't let fear push you toward a decision you'll regret."

I smiled, "Thank you, but you needn't worry. I pushed all that aside after our first date."

She looked quizzically at me, "The kiss?"

"Yep. It really freaked me out but I decided I liked him more than he scared me. I still get scared and worry, but I feel like I'm moving past it."

"I'm glad." She wiped at her eyes. "That conversation tonight really had me going. He reminds me so much of Thomas..."

"Where is he now?"

She laughed. "Very happily married and living in Boston with four kids. He's an attorney."

"Like Dad..."

"No. They're very different. It would be like a chihuahua and a Labrador. They're both dogs, but..."

"Very different."

"And that's about the nicest way I can think to put it. My point is, take a chance with the one who makes you weak in the knees and feel a little slow. As long as they value you and treat you well, it's worth it."

"I get it, but you don't need to worry, mom. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me and I feel it when he touches me. I know he really loves me."

We talked a bit more, then I went to my room to shower and get ready for bed. When I was done, I checked my computer and saw Zach sent me an audio file. I started listening to it as my mother walked in to tell me good night.

"What is that?"

I smiled, "It's Zach softly reading the test prep. He sent it to me so I could play it overnight as I slept. Something about subliminal messages?"

"That's so sweet!" She walked over to hug me. "I think you should keep him"

"Right?"

That night I did sleep well and it was dreamless. I got up the next morning refreshed and more than a little amused at what was still playing. When I walked into the kitchen to find him talking to mom, the smile on my face was impossible to hide.

"Did you like my version of test prep," asked, laughing.

I hugged him tightly, and looked up at him, "Very, very much."

ZACH

I first noticed him finally relaxing with me the Sunday his mother returned from her trip. I knew the weekend had changed him. He'd crossed over to reach me and I knew we would find a way through any problems. I felt like he was overcoming his worry and was starting to understand I wanted him, not another version of him.

For me, it was clear we were together and it was going to stay that way which had the perverse effect of making me more nervous.

Not long after we had the conversation about our differing study habits, I decided to talk to my father about my future. I realized I wanted to take care of Tate and it was a point of pride for me. It may have been stupid given that he already had a pretty big head start on me, but that didn't matter. I wanted him to feel comfortable and at ease being with me.

Tate was everything to me and I wanted to make sure, or as sure as one can, that our future would be prosperous. My father seemed like a good person to speak with about it since he had done really well in his own life. He'd been hired by Apple out of school and had accumulated stock. Even in the 90s, when people questioned whether Apple would even survive, he was quietly buying stock when he could.

Like a lot of kids who grew up on the peninsula, we never knew financial stress. My father was already wealthy when we were kids so we never saw him or my mother worry over the food budget or school clothes, or if a sudden trip to the ER would throw us behind on mortgage payments. We were lucky, but unlike a lot of the people who grew up around us, we knew it.

My father's advice was simple, engineering in undergrad and then law school. He said I should specialize in patent law.

"People are only going to get more aggressive with patents and they're going to need legal pit bulls to deal with it. So, be the biggest and baddest. Have you talked to Tate about all this?"

"No, Tate thinks ahead, but not like I do."

My dad smiled, "Does he know you're thinking like this?"

"Not directly, but I've told him that I'd take care of him. I was assuming we'd by like you and mom..." He chuckled, "Well, you might want to stop thinking that way. Your mother didn't quit her job because we got married, she quit her job because she wanted to stay home and for the first few years, things were tight."

"I thought you were already rich at that point."

"Hardly. You have to remember your mother had Darren 8 months after we were married. We didn't have a lot of time to prepare. We thought about selling stock, but we decided to keep the sales to the bare minimum we needed to survive. By 1999 we weren't nearly as stressed but she was still doing consulting work until Kim was born."

"I had no idea," I said.

My father smiled at me, and touched my shoulder, "There's no reason you should have known. That wasn't your cross to bear, son. You love Tate and so everything you think about is with his future, as well as your own, in mind. That's admirable, but you need to stop keeping it all internal and think about what he wants. He may not even know yet, and you need to take that into account."

"How?"

"By talking to him. I think it might help him start thinking in that direction as well."

"Or piss him off," I replied. "He says I don't spend nearly enough time in the moment."

"Do you think that's true?"

I hedged, "Possibly, but that's not the point here. I really don't want to upset him."

"No, I doubt that you will unless I've badly misjudged him. He seems like a very thoughtful and engaged young man who has managed to successfully navigate a world that can't be easy. I think you talk to him and you tell him what you're thinking. At some point you should maybe even think about politics."

I smiled, "No, I don't think I'd like that."

"Things change and I'll tell you that having him with you would be a tremendous asset. He'd be able to work a room of donors and come away with a million or two," he chuckled.

That I could see. Tate just has a way of making people feel good and it's weird. Most people who do that feel drained after the experience but Tate doesn't. It's like he channels energy from the universe into people and himself and then I had the thought... what if HE wanted to run?

Suddenly my world got really small and I stared into a future quite unlike the one I had planned, a future where my husband was very successful and became a driving force in politics. It felt so natural, so easy, that I realized finally I was looking not at A future, I was looking at THE future and I knew I could handle it. I wouldn't be jealous of Tate, I would be supportive because there was only one thing I truly wanted and that was to be with him.

I realized this future was one that would require careful planning and, at the top of the list, would be him figuring it out for himself. So, I tabled discussions in my head and started living more in the moment, which ironically was what Tate had wanted all along.

TATE

Nina rarely disturbed me during the school day and was usually aware of the time difference which was why her calls one afternoon during Calculus were so odd. I wasn't worried, I just turned the phone to silent from vibrate and went on with class. 40 minutes later, the bell rang and I was free for the day until I saw my texts, a string of 911's from Nina that ended with one barely four minutes before CALL NINA URGENT.

I pulled my earbuds out and then called her as I walked out to my locker.

"OH MY GOD where have you been?" she screamed out as she picked up the line.

"Nina, it's Thursday at 3:45. I'm at school."

She sighed, "Oh, God, that's right. Fucking high school. Listen, sweety, I got a call from the Times and ABC. Did you take a picture with your boyfriend last week?"

I stood there in front of my locker trying to think, then replied, "No, we didn't. Why are news outlets calling you?"

"They're calling to confirm identity. You're sure no one took a picture of you?"

"Oh, wait, yeah actually someone did," I said, slightly exasperated and still not really sure where this was going. "Someone took a picture of us kissing when his practice was over."

"Well, that picture went viral."

"You're kidding?"

"No, doll. ABC is doing a story on it and the Times wants an interview with you."

"Over a picture," I said, loudly, grabbing the unwanted attention of everyone near me.

"Well, yeah. 3 million likes kiddo and it's adorable. Your man, I have to say, is one very nice piece of..."

"NINA. STAAAAHP!"

Nina laughed, "Sorry. Anyway, it's a cute picture and they want to talk to the people behind it. Usual thing, what you were thinking, how you feel, nothing special."

"Shit."

She laughed again, "Sweets, you don't know what shit is. This is a gift. I just can't believe it took them so long to identify you. This is going to be huge for your career"

"Did they identify Zach?"

"Not yet, but they will. Why? Is he not out?"

I sighed, "No, he is, but he wants to play football in college and this will create problems with that."

"Nah, it's an opportunity to get all their gay alumni to cough up dough. They should be thrilled."

"OK, I need to talk to my mom. Can you hold them off for an hour or so?"

"Sure, but no more than that. Doll, we got an opportunity here and you need to take it."

And with that, I was alone. There was almost no one left in the hall so I quickly texted my mom, "911 I'm fine but need to talk to you urgently."

About 30 seconds later she called.

"I'm heading into a meeting and I'll be out of contact for at least two hours. What's up?"

I briefly ran her through what Nina had said.

"Three MILLION views?!? For a picture of you and Zach kissing?"

"Apparently. Are you OK with me talking to the press?" I asked, hoping to finish this up quickly.

I could hear noise around her so I knew she hadn't hung up, she was thinking.

"Yes. I'm OK with it if you are and only if Nina sets up and records the call. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am."

I texted Nina and told her the news. She set the call up for 5:15 my time for the Times and then 5:45 for ABC.

I gathered my things and then grabbed a ride with Dan, since I still wasn't driving my car because Zach liked having a second breakfast. He also liked driving me to school, but I had a feeling it was in that order.

I made it home about 4:30 and took care of a few things before getting on the Zoom. Nina was already on and we just stayed silent until the reporter joined. She asked some basic questions and was surprised we didn't know the photo had gone viral.

It's funny how the things you don't think about can occasionally end up blindsiding you. That's basically what happened with that picture. I'd never done press. I'd appeared in fashion spreads in magazines, but I'd never talked to reporters about myself. The only time had been a comment passed through Nina about working with Rob Lamb (I didn't, I worked with his staff. I met him once at an afterparty and all he said was, "You're the kid on the boat, right?"). This reporter with the Times jumped straight into it.

"Do you know who took the picture?"

"No, we don't. We didn't even know someone was taking it."

"So, what's the context?"

"Of the photo? Well, that day he agreed to take me to a dealership to pick up a car I bought. After my last class, I walked over to the practice field to wait for him. When practice was over, he came over to say hi and that's when it happened."

"That's really sweet. How long have you been together?"

"A little over two months. We met not long after my mother and I moved to California."

"Do the kids at school know you're a model?"

"They do. I didn't broadcast it, but a lot of them recognized me from the work I've done. Zach picked up on it during our first date."

"Was there a reason you didn't tell people about it upfront?" she asked.

I laughed, "I didn't want to be obnoxious about it. I wanted to get to know people and for them to get to know me, without that being an issue. I wanted them to see me before they saw me as a model."

"What's it like dating a football player?"

"It's intense. He's really committed to it and he apparently plays pretty well, but I really don't know that much about football."

And right here is where Nina snorted derisively.

"Does being gay cause problems for him with his teammates?"

"Well, he's never mentioned it and the players I've met have been nothing but friendly toward me and Zach. I would assume that answer is no."

She didn't even look down at her notes before asking, "Do you think that says something about California?"

"I honestly don't know and would really like to avoid a guess on something like that. The only thing I can say is that his teammates treat him like any other player."

"One last question, you have a Wiki page and it says you were sexually assaulted last March. Is that true?"

I could feel my blood pressure run up as I responded, "Yes, it is."

"Can you talk about it?" she asked.

I calmly responded, "It's with the Collin County DA's office now and I believe they're taking it before the grand jury. I really shouldn't talk about it until it's legally settled."

Thankfully, Nina stepped right up, "I think that's where we need to stop. I have to get him ready for another interview. If you have any follow up questions, send them to me and I'll advise."

And with that, Nina took the reporter off the call.

My heart was racing, "Nina, did that feel weird to you?"

"No, doll, that was pretty much what I expected. ABC is going run footage of you so make sure you go freshen up."

I went to splash some water on my face and ended up jacking with my hair until I got it into something resembling an intentional, rather than accidental, mess. As I looked at myself in the mirror, it struck me what this was going to be about.

A picture taken of a massive football player kissing his boyfriend who just happened to be a model. Forget what we look like, we're the gay kids EVERYONE can love, good looking and wholesome just like a cheerleader and the quarterback. It made me shudder as I realized just how grotesquely basic we were.

"We're a cliché," I mumbled to myself. "10 years from now we'll be living in Pleasanton with at least one kid and Live, Love, Laugh on a wall."

I walked back to my computer and straightened up as the ABC reporter connected to the Zoom. We did the intros and the reporter told us how they were working the story. It was coming from a completely different angle.

"Once we confirmed identities, we found the game videos people have uploaded. Zach's a tremendous athlete and we're going to focus our story there."

I don't know why, but a wave of relief washed over me.

"That's nice. He works really hard."

"That was obvious from the footage. So, do you watch his games?"

"I do. I don't really know the game well, but I go to support him and I'm slowly learning."

"What's it like dating an athlete likely bound for Division 1?"

"It's easy."

She smiled, "That's it?"

I laughed, "Yeah, that's it. He's an amazing guy and I'm really lucky to have him in my life."

"You think he'd say the same thing about you?"

I didn't hesitate, "Yes, I do. Neither of us are particularly inclined to take the other for granted."

"That's outstanding. So this picture, neither of you knew anything about it?"

I smiled, "No. We didn't even know someone had taken a picture of us. I think later that night we saw it when someone tagged us, but neither of us thought much of it. We just thought it was a nice picture of us," I finished, my eyes started to water just a bit.

"You're aware that it's received more than three million likes?"

"As of about two hours ago, yeah."

"And what do you think about that?"

I paused for a second, trying to act like I was considering the question.

"I think it's resonating with people because it's about love. It's not about sexual orientation, it's about two people in love and anyone can connect with that."

"Thank you so much for your time," she said.

"You're welcome. Have you reached out to Zach yet?"

"My producer did. We're going to talk to him tonight about 8."

"OK, thank you."

Nina cut them off the call.

"That went REALLY well. The Times article will be up after midnight eastern so I'll send to you in the morning."

"Sounds good. Nina, thank you so much for doing this with me!"

Nina just laughed, "Doll, this is my job! Well, maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but you're my favorite client and I'd walk through fire with you."

And that ended the call.

I texted Zach and he called me back almost immediately and told me about the ABC interview.

"Yeah, I just finished that and one with the NY Times."

"This is all about that picture of us kissing last week?"

I sighed, "Apparently. I thought it was a good picture but it's blown up into a legit thing."

"Are you OK," he asked, clearly concerned.

"Yeah, just a bit tired. The ABC reporter asked what dating you was like."

I could hear him smiling, "What did you tell them?"

"That it was easy and that you'd probably say the same since we didn't take the other for granted."

"God, I love you so much."

"I love you, too. The Times interview was a little rougher."

"How so?"

I sighed, once again. I thought for a second about not telling him, but realized he'd know about it within hours anyway.

"They asked about the rape."

"I'm sorry, babe."

I laughed lightly with just a hint of bitterness, "I knew this was going to happen at some point, it just hit me a little harder than I expected. I think it will get easier."

I could hear his voice break just a bit as he said, "I love you so much and I wish I was there with you now."

"I know, babe. Do the interview and call me after."

I sat down and really relaxed for the first time since I'd been home. About 20 minutes later, my mother showed up and I walked her through what had happened, then we ate dinner. I felt a little used up by that point and wasn't really in the mood to talk. I didn't even think about my phone until I looked at it as our doorbell rang and saw the missed calls and texts.

As I opened the door, a very out of breath Zach barged into the house and grabbed me tightly.

"Are you OK?"

I kissed him, "Yes, I'm fine. I put my phone on mute and forgot about it. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to panic you."

He smiled, "You're forgiven. It gave me an excuse to come over and see you."

He sat down with my mother and I and told us about his interview. With him they seemed to be primarily concerned with how he was treated as an athlete and where he was going to school. They asked some questions about what is like being with someone famous and he laughed that, thankfully, I was only slightly famous and that, so far, he'd been able to fight off competitors for my affection, which predictably made me laugh.

My mother left us alone and we curled up on the sofa to watch TV. Well, I watched TV while he played on his phone and I could tell he was getting more and more agitated. Finally, I asked him what was wrong. Zach had decided to look at the picture again and then took time to read the comments.

Unsurprisingly, he got to see the assholes of the universe offering their opinions and naturally wanted to take some of his irritation out on them.

"You can't do that. I know these people are saying some terrible shit, but you can't fight with them online."

"Why not?" he asked, surprised at my desire to push him off this course.

"Babe, you won at life. You're smart, handsome, athletic, and you're dating an unbelievably hot guy. Do you really think the highest and best use of all your talents and attributes is to confront internet trolls? You'll be like the dude beating up the Karate Kid. You don't get to punch down, you're already too far up."

I took a deep breath after spitting all that out, waiting for his response. I knew he was angry and wanted to lash out in the worst way, but he needed to stop and think.

"I love how you mention in the list of things that make me awesome that I'm dating you," he replied, smiling and apparently calming down a bit.

I laughed, "Well, it does speak highly of you that you have such excellent taste and that you must be worth something since I decided to take a chance on you."

He hugged me closely, "All I want to do is put a stop to the mouthing."

"I know," I replied, sighing. "But you're never, ever, going to do that. And if you think this is bad, wait until people are depending on you to hold up their entire week."

"Football?"

"You got it. Stanford fans all over the world will be depending on you and if you make a mistake..."

"I'll never hear the end of it."

"Exactly. Welcome to the life you wanted." I finished with a smile.

Zach had this feeling that this was all old hat for me, but it wasn't. Far from it, in fact. But I did develop a sort of sixth sense from dealing with the aftermath of my rape about how people were and what you could and couldn't do in response. Trolls were assholic because there was something broken in them and you weren't going to fix it, nor would you be able to explain anything to them as they already knew everything. Our place wasn't to deal with them. What made me happy is that people got to see yet another young gay couple who were normal (almost boring, really). Anyone who wanted to scream groomer' at us would look deranged. We could be a stand in for anyone you knew who was just like Zach or Tate'.

That's what got me through the night and the next morning as I read the NYT piece, which hit harder than I expected since they'd also reached out to the DA's office for comment. For their efforts they received the standard, "We can't comment on a pending investigation."

Now it was out.

ZACH

After what had been a tough week, I wanted to take him out on Saturday, just the two of us, and all I told him was that he should wear something he could dance in. I knew he liked to, but there hadn't been much of a chance. Tonight, I wanted to do something for him that I knew he wanted to do. I got there a little early and was talking to his mother when he walked into the kitchen wearing a black turtleneck with a pair of khaki chinos. He looked amazing but the contrast between the black of the sweater and his face made my breath catch and my heart race.

There wasn't a day that went by I didn't think he was stunning. It didn't matter what he wore, he always looked incredible. But this, tonight... I knew I was in trouble.

There was no way I would keep people, men and women, off him tonight. I worried because I knew there was a good chance I'd end up in a fight tonight because of how beautiful he looked. People would want him and I was sure at least one wouldn't take no for an answer.

We drove into the city to Bootie Mashup and had a blast. The most interesting thing was being recognized by a few people who'd seen us on ABC. Tate found my reaction to it funny and had to tell me more than once when someone came over to us that I needed to relax and smile. For him, he didn't want someone telling stories about what a stuck up bitch he was. For me, well, it became a matter of intimidation. I understood it took courage to come up to someone like me and say something. I wasn't really into it at first, but by the time we left I was in much better spirits and even enjoying the attention a little.

It got bad on Monday when people started talking about the rape. Up until then, no one had known about it, outside of me and Chelsea. Now, those whose parents took the Times all saw it and were rapidly disseminating it. He rode in with me that Monday and when we got there, people were already out in front ready to talk about it. As we walked up, he noticed someone wearing a Believe Women pin and he noticeably slowed down, muttering "Oh, fuck" under his breath.

We'd talked about this exact thing the day before and he seemed OK with the possibility of it. Now, seeing it 20 feet away, he was hesitant.

I tightened my grip on his hand and looked over at him with the biggest smile I could manage and said, "I love you more than anyone."

That seemed to give him just a little bit of help as he walked up and started talking to the people who were there to support him.