Heartbeat

This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between the story and reality are purely coincidental. Please contact the author at doncornelius69 AT yahoo DOT com.

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Authors Note : I apologize for the delay in getting this chapter done and I can assure you it's not related to laziness. I edit as I write and it's a pretty drawn out process.

To those of you have written, thank you. It really means a lot to know someone is reading this.

Heartbeat, Chapter 3

ZACH

For the next two weeks I kept having dreams about what happened to Tate. It wasn't every night, but it was often enough that I realized I hadn't really accepted it. I know that sounds stupid, since it didn't happen to me, but it did happen to the man I loved and that made me really upset. The problem wasn't what happened to Tate, though it did make me angry, it was that the rapist hadn't been punished.

It ate at me, until one particularly bad practice when I fractured another player's leg. I took him down hard and landed perfectly to crack his thigh. I was angry and I took it out on some poor sophomore.

This wasn't the first time I'd been here. My older sister was assaulted her first year in college. In her case she'd been drugged at a party and they never identified the assailant. At least then there was the knowledge that we didn't know who it was and until they slipped up, we probably never would. My sister came through it, just as Tate came back from his assault. But this time I had a face and a name.

I looked up Tillet. He looked like a perfectly ordinary jock to me, nothing really special about him, other than violently attacking and sexually assaulting Tate. And that infuriated me, which I hid well. Normally I was pretty bad about hiding things but this time I worked at it diligently. This time I needed to hide what I was thinking from the one person who now meant more to me than anyone.

Luckily, being with him was blissful and I got out of my head completely. All the neurotic crap that has weighed me down over the years just evaporates when I'm with him, even the need for vengeance. It was a good thing since I didn't know how he'd react to what I was thinking. I was starting to get comfortable with him in a way I wasn't with anyone else and I knew my need for justice, to see the man who assaulted him punished, would overwhelm him because it would mean one thing to him: That I saw him differently. That I thought he was damaged, and that I felt like I needed to make up for that.

I talked to my father about it and he made an appointment for me to see the therapist who'd helped me after Joaquin. She basically told me what I'd already figured out, that I couldn't control the world and that trying was just going to frustrate me. I had to trust what Tate said and respect him enough to let this go.

The one thing that helped was focusing on Tate's smile. Anytime I started thinking about it, all I needed was the image of his smile in my head. It's what made me comfortable with him in the first place and I needed to focus on seeing it because I didn't want to let him down. I promised him I was with him on this and I didn't want to do anything to make him doubt me.

I thought to myself, there's going to be a way for me to deal with Derrick Tillet, but there is no way I would let my desire to make him pay for his crime affect Tate. Whatever ended up happening, Tate would never know about it or about the dreams I had of tearing Tillet apart.

While I may have had a rough time sleeping, my mornings were good. I picked him up every day and seeing him that early was just wonderful. I was obnoxiously and loudly dreading him finally buying a car because I loved spending time with him. I had hoped, after his reassurances, that we'd continue to ride to school together. I suspected he was lying to me, but I held my tongue.

He... How to put it? He was like a bright light in a dim room at school. He made everyone feel good, even the emo kids. I don't know how he did it, but people just gravitated to him and left feeling amazing. Even Ben who, about a week after meeting him at Randy's party, asked if he could have him when I was done.

"What do you mean?" I asked, a little testy.

Ben looked at me sharply, "You know what I mean. If you're just going to do him and drop him, would you give me a heads up because I really want to ask him out."

That made me mad and I reacted. Ordinarily, there's nothing Ben could do to get a rise out of me. Ben was someone I'd not hesitate to help if he was in trouble. I'd never thought about hurting Ben, until right then.

I squared up and responded, through clenched teeth, "Ben, you're talking about the man I love and you need to show some respect."

Ben's eyes went wide, "Whoa, big guy... I'm sorry, I didn't understand where you were with him. You don't have to worry about me."

I didn't relax. "I want to be really clear with you, he's mine. You don't bother him, do you understand," I asked.

He smiled and clapped my shoulder, "You can relax. I promise, I'm not going to try anything."

I took a breath and let myself loosen a bit.

"Thanks man. You know I love you, but I need him."

"Yeah, I got that," he said, smiling. "You sure YOU'RE taking care of yourself?"

I knew what he was talking about and didn't get upset by the question. Ben helped save my ass and I knew his heart was gold.

"Man, I appreciate it, but you don't need to worry. He's not Joaquin."

He smiled, "Ok, just making sure."

Ben wasn't the only close friend who'd made a comment about me taking care of myself. For a lot of people, it would be insulting but it wasn't for me. With how out of control I got with Joaquin, it was a legit concern and I honestly appreciated that they cared enough about me to mention it.

Tate had asked me a few questions about Joaquin, but never about what happened. It took me a while, but I finally guessed he was trying to determine if he could hurt Joaquin if he got into a fight with him. When I asked him if my assumption was correct, he was so obviously embarrassed his face could have warmed a small apartment.

"It's not that I want to go out and look for him," he explained. "It's that I worry about an encounter. It's possible since he lives so close and I have a feeling when he finds out you're serious with someone..."

I groaned, "IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. I'm not serious about you, I'm in love with you."

He blushed again and I felt the butterflies in my stomach. It was shocking how amazing he could make me feel with just a look.

"OK, my mistake, but you see my point? I'm not going to try to start something, I'm worried about him starting something with me and I want to know if I'm prepared for it."

That was a valid concern. Joaquin was the type of person to do just that and he could really hurt Tate. I decided to tell him the truth though it was going to be unsettling and that made me feel terrible.

"You're not. I love you, but you're not. Physically, he's bigger than you. He's thicker, stronger, and if he picked a fight with you, it wouldn't last long."

He looked crestfallen. I don't know what he was expecting, but it clearly was something other than what I'd just told him. I could see the worry settle over him.

"Baby, this isn't something you need to be concerned about. If he tries something, he knows what I'll do to him."

"Now that I doubt. From what you've told me about your relationship, he has absolutely no fear of you."

"HAD, past tense. This is something I already thought about and handled," I told him. "This isn't something you need to fear."

Two days after our second date, I met Joaquin in the parking lot of the Best Buy in Mountain View. He was cocky from the moment he got out of his car and for the hundredth time, I wondered why I'd been so wrapped up in him.

"Hey," he said, walking toward me. I backed up to avoid him, causing him to stop.

"Nah, we're not hugging, Joaquin. You're lucky I'm not breaking your back."

"Why so upset, bae?" he asked, trying to be seductive. "I still love you..."

"Quit fucking around. You know how I feel about you and the only reason I don't beat you down right now is that I don't think I'd be able to stop."

That straightened him up. While he was a jerk, Joaquin had a keen sense of self preservation.

"Fine. Why did you want to meet?" he asked, irritated.

"I'm seeing someone and I want to make sure you stay out of our lives."

He shook his head with a confused look on his face, "You asked me to meet you just to tell me that?"

"Yeah, shithead, because fucking with him is exactly the kind of thing you'd do."

He laughed, "You really have a fucked up idea about how important you are in my life. Why would I waste my time on whoever you're dicking down now?"

"Because you're a jealous asshole and you absolutely hate the idea of me being happy."

And that got under his skin.

"Oh, fuck you!"

"JOAQUIN," I shouted, getting the attention of everyone within a mile. More quietly, I continued, "shut the fuck up and let me finish. I know how you are so I'm telling you, you so much as look his way and I will put you in a fucking hospital. You touch him and I'll make you a quadriplegic."

"Whatever.."

And I shouted again, even more loudly, "AM I CLEAR?"

And that finally shocked him. "Yeah, you're clear," he replied, deflated.

I smiled tightly at him, "Great. Always good to see you, Joaquin." And I got in my truck and drove off.

I didn't tell Tate about it at the time and now, weeks later, this was coming up and I wish I had.

He teared up a little and gave me a hug after I finished the story, then pulled back and looked up at me.

"I should have been more direct about what I was thinking."

I smiled back at him, "And I should have been honest with you about what I was doing."

"So, you think he'd really kick my ass? I have had some self defense training since in the assault."

He didn't say rape, he said assault. He rarely talked about it but when he did, it was always using that word. It made me realize that no matter what he wanted to believe, he'd not completely healed from what happened to him.

I laughed, trying to hide what I was thinking, "I'm sure you can defend yourself. Maybe I shouldn't have been concerned at all."

And I pulled him back to me and felt him tighten his arms around me. I breathed him in and relaxed. While we had a lot to deal with, Joaquin Casar would not make the list.

TATE

Bruiser. His nickname was Bruiser. I am dating Bruiser. I am Mr. Bruisers Man.

Of all the odd and funny things that happened during the first two weeks of school, finding this out was my favorite. I'd fallen into a lunch group made up of Chelsea and people she knew. We were four days into school and they were talking about the game on Friday. Apparently, it was a big one and Ben made the comment to one of the girls, Sara Liang, that `Bruiser better bring it'. Then Chelsea chimed in that it was going to be awesome seeing him lay waste to the other team's offense.

Curious, I asked, "Who are you talking about?"

Chelsea looked at me and smiled, "Your boyfriend."

"His nickname is BRUISER?" I asked and died laughing.

None of them understood why I thought it was so funny.

Ben was the one who finally thought it through. "Tate's never seen him on the field, hitting people," he told the table to a chorus of `ahhhs'.

It was true, I hadn't. I'd been tempted to go watch him practice but something had always come up, like not having a car or going with Chels or Kristen to do something or a lack of desire to sit in the sun for hours. He wanted me to come at one point then almost as quickly decided it would be a bad idea because 'I was so gentle'.

That one made me laugh and I reminded him I could handle a lot more than he thought I could, but I didn't get really into it with him. Instead, I said OK because I thought watching him practice would be a drag. I love him but watching him run around a field in pads wasn't going to do much for either of us. I would get bored since football might as well be baseball might as well be basketball to me and while I'm sure he'd look hot, he looks hot without pads and I get to see him like that any time I want, without having to sit on bleachers.

And now, because of the people I sat with at lunch, I was learning something new about my boyfriend.

"So, he's really that brutal on the field?"

Ben smiled, "Yes. If everyone on the team performed like me and Bruiser, we'd cruise to State. He earned that name."

"What do you mean EARNED?" I asked.

Ben smiled, "Freshman year, after he got moved to varsity, he was on defense and tore through an offensive line so well, he dislocated a tackle's shoulder and then just annihilated the QB."

"Damn. That sounds pretty brutal..." I said, flatly.

Ben laughed, "You have no idea how badass that is, do you?"

"No, but you think it's pretty awesome and you know about football, so I'm going to think it's awesome, too." I replied, with a double blink.

In a weird way, I felt kind of left out. He had a nickname that people knew about and he'd not shared anything about it with me. Granted, we'd only been together 3 weeks at that point and there was a lot we'd not had a chance to learn about each other. Knowing how worried he is about my reactions, I understood. In his head, me learning that his nickname was Bruiser would inevitably lead to worry about what he might do to me if he got angry.

He hadn't really admitted it to me, but I knew from some of the comments he'd made he thought I would worry about the size difference, or the absolutely lopsided difference in strength. The thing is, I didn't. He was far from a gentle person, something the name Bruiser made very clear. He'd also grudgingly admitted that he liked being physical and was always down for a fight. All of this information had washed over me without me getting weird because I never felt like he'd hurt me. He might hurt other people, but I knew he'd collapse into tears before he'd ever strike me. He was a lot like David, just larger and stronger. David had been the same way and I'd told him about that several times. I even reminded him that it hadn't bothered me with David and didn't with him, but it still hadn't sunk in.

Now, the knowledge that Joaquin could kick my ass had been an entirely different thing. That was something that had bothered me.

Later that day, before he left for practice, I saw him walking up to me while I stood at my locker. When he got close, I turned and in the most seductive voice I could manage, said, "Hi Bruiser," which just made him laugh.

He hugged me, then asked, "How'd you hear about that?"

"At lunch, someone mentioned Bruiser and I asked who it was. Can you imagine my surprise when I learned that I'M Bruiser's boyfriend?!?"

"You're going to have fun with this for a while, aren't you?"

I smiled, "I'd count on it."

"OK, but whatever you do, please don't tell your mother!" he asked, which made me laugh out and pull out my phone.

"Too late!" and then I showed him the texts.

"Damn..."

I gave him a peck on the lips, "She thinks it's hilarious. She's actually thinking about coming to the game on Friday."

"What about you?"

"Of course I'm going. What would people say if I wasn't there to cheer on my man while he played Sportsball?"

He fell in with me and walked me to my last class, AP calc. When we got to the door I stopped and looked at him. I noticed something wasn't right.

"What's wrong?"

He smiled, but it didn't carry to his eyes, "Nothing. I just have something stupid on my mind, I'll tell you about it later."

"OK," I responded and gave him a quick kiss as the warning bell went off. Then I walked into a class I shouldn't have been in. As I sat there doing my level best to pay attention, I realized he had lied to me. Something was bothering him, but he wasn't going to tell me about it. He was too dismissive and in the brief time I'd known him, I'd already picked up on what that meant.

I tried not to dwell on it and instead engaged in a pathetic attempt to follow along and began to realize that studying for this class would be very time consuming. I'm not a math guy, I only took this class because my mother recommended it. The sad thing is that I actually like math, I'm just not terribly good at it. I don't get concepts instinctively like others, I have to work at it but my mother assures me I'll thank her later. I remain doubtful.

After school, I grabbed a ride with one of the guys I'd be playing tennis with, Dan Haskell, who was pretty cool and didn't mind giving me a ride because his girlfriend apparently lived near me.

When I walked into the house, I immediately went to my room. My mom had me well trained about taking everything to my room first, then I could do whatever I wanted. Today, I wanted a nap and, as I laid down, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering back to Zach. In the brief time we'd dated, he'd been really open with me, almost embarrassingly so. Today was off. I don't know how else to put it, it didn't match and made me nervous. This was something he was working to keep from me and my neurotic mind spun that into a number of things, starting with `OMG HE'S CHEATING ON ME AND FEELS GUILTY ABOUT IT'.

I finally nodded off, only to be awakened by the phone I'd forgotten to mute. I saw that it was Chels and answered.

"Hey"

"Hey back. What are you doing," she asked.

"Well, I WAS taking a nap but I forgot to mute my phone..."

Chelsea laughed, "A nap? What are you, 6?"

"Lookit, I was tired. Hey, you don't think Zach would cheat do you?"

That question prompted real laughter that went on and on.

"Chels! Stop it!" I finally demanded.

"Dude, he's not that way. He's never cheated on anyone. Now, he's broken up with people so he could have sex with someone else, but he's never cheated. Now? On you? There's absolutely no way."

I sighed, "OK, I guess I'm being stupid."

"What brought this on??"

"This afternoon he walked me to Calc before he took off for practice. I could tell there was something on his mind, but when I asked him about it, he just brushed me off and said it was nothing and that he'd tell me about it later. Now, Zach's a shitty liar and I know it wasn't nothing and he's not going to tell me about it later."

"Ugh... you gays. You guys have been together three whole weeks. There's stuff he's probably still nervous about telling you. He'll get past it."

"No, that's not it," I replied. "He's open with me to a fault. Yeah, it's only been three weeks, but I've learned a lot about him that I really didn't want to know. This is something else."

"So, make a thing out of it."

I snorted, "You say that like you're trying to create havoc."

"I'm not, hand to God. I just think you should confront this head on if it's going to bother you. Or, I don't know, maybe give it a few days and see if it's still top of mind?"

Which is what I decided to do... well, I decided to wait until Saturday. Friday was the game and was that ever exciting. When David and I dated, I went to like three of the games. It was three because he didn't admit to me that he didn't care about my attendance until after the third game. I knew there was no way I'd luck out again.

After school, I went with Chelsea and some of the girls whose boyfriends were on the team. We all decided to sit together because it was a good idea. Or something. I don't remember being part of the decision making, just informed that was what `we' decided to do. We also decided to hang out at Chelsea's house after school. One of the reasons it was so easy to give in was my lack of a car, something I'd have to rectify very quickly.

We got food on the way which I needed but I was kind of unhappy it was In N Out and not McDonalds. If I'm going to eat gross fast food, I want good fries and INOs are anything but. I don't know why people here love it to much, it's always their go to for fast food.

As we sat around eating and talking, Janice Reynolds asked me how things were going with Zach. I glanced at Chelsea, who winked at me and then I started to blush.

"It's great. Really, it's been pretty amazing."

The girls all whooped like I was holding back on them. I smiled, "Y'all it's not what you think!"

Chels jumped in to help me, "They're still getting to know one another!"

Which caused another girl, Ali Cramer, to laugh, "Well, Zach gets to know people with his dick!"

Which made me laugh, "Well, we aren't quite there yet!"

"I like that. He can wait!"

I laughed, "Not too long, I hope!"

Chelsea squealed, "You're kidding me? He hasn't tried anything?"

I replied, "I think he's scared, given how I reacted to him kissing me."

"What do you mean?" one of the girls asked. So, I told them the story of our first date and I swear to God, it was like a bunch of basic bitches watching a Hallmark movie.

"Oh my God that's so sweet! I didn't know Bruiser had it in him!"

Once again, Bruiser. I swear, he's going to end up a mob boss somewhere like Chicago or Cleveland.

"Well, he does," I responded. "I think he's waiting for a good time. Honestly, I'm not in a huge hurry and he doesn't appear to be either."

They dropped it after that, but it stuck with me a bit. I mentioned it to him the next day and he just laughed.

"We can do anything you want, whenever you want. You're completely in control of that."

I smiled, "No, that's not fair to you."

He changed his gaze and focused on me intently like he always did when he wanted to make sure something was absolutely clear.

"I am happy being with you. I wake up every day and wonder how quickly I can get out of the house and over to yours. Believe me when I say I can wait until you're ready. I was ready the day you jogged into my life and I can easily hold on until you're ready." And right then, the look changed.

I smiled back at him, "Then please don't look at me that way."

"Which way is that," he asked, smirking.

"Like a hunter going in for the kill."

The smirk expanded, "Babe, there isn't a gay man with blood going to it that's not going to look at you like that. Hell, I'm sure some straight men would as well."

He walked over to me and casually wrapped his arms around me.

"I will love you and protect you for the rest of our lives. I'll be there for every smile and tear, every disaster and triumph, but you have to get used to me looking at you with the desire I feel."

I settled into him, luxuriating in the feeling and smell of him. I felt safe and even if I hadn't been through the hell of the last year, I still would have enjoyed it. It was pure comfort.

I thought briefly about the last three weeks and realized I was happy for the first time since I was attacked.

And a little squeeze of his arms, brought me back to reality and I looked up to see him smiling at me.

"I get it, I'm just used to either running from or manipulating the men who look at me that way. I need to adjust to really caring about the man who looks at me that way."

"HA, see I told you things were different for guys like you," he said laughing as I groaned.

"Not that again," as I broke free, only to be pulled back to him face to face, as he straightened his back and stood tall, holding me.

"I love you," he said as he leaned in to kiss me. I was gradually getting better when he did that, not quite so overwhelmed, but his ability to support me did come in very handy.

I looked into his eyes as I opened my own and could see nothing but joy and that sent a thrill through my entire body. I realized I would never get tired of seeing that in his eyes.

"There's no use pretending I'm not ready, but you're in control. You let me know when you're ready."

I never got around to asking him about what was bothering him. Instead, I took Chelsea's advice and decided to drop it. I ultimately decided I needed to have faith in my him and how he felt about me. Yeah, it was a bit chickenshit, but I didn't want to cause a problem where none existed. Whatever had distracted him that Thursday he'd either sort out on his own or tell me about.

ZACH

A few days after our conversation about sex, need met opportunity when his mother had to leave town for a conference over a long weekend. He found out about it Wednesday night and texted me.

Tate : My mom will be gone tomorrow night through Sunday.

Me : Does that mean what I think it means?

Tate : IDK, are you thinking it means I'll have to cook my own meals?

Me : hahahahaha

Tate : You think you'd want to sleep over Saturday night?

And there it was. I hadn't been lying when I told him I was ready, I was. I had been from the moment I saw him jogging toward me. But what I'd wanted was for him to set the pace, given what he'd been through. He was lying to me when he said he was past the rape and all my actions had to consider where he really was emotionally, not where he thought he was. I was prepared to wait indefinitely and now, via text, he was telling me that I didn't need to, that he was ready.

And that made me unbelievably happy.

Me : I'd love to. I'm also down for spending Friday night as well.

Tate :

Me : You're sure this is what you want?

Tate : Yeah. I'm ready.

The next morning when I picked him up for school, he was having an animated conversation with his mother, who gave me a kiss on the cheek, then whispered in my ear, `be careful'. I looked at her and nodded with a smile. I couldn't believe it had happened and I was so relieved that she trusted me. After we left, Tate said they'd been talking about the weekend and, after his mother finally told him to cut the shit, he copped to our little sleep over and she was OK with it.

As Tate put it, she wasn't stupid and she knew he'd been active for years. Her concern was safety, both physical and emotional. It was the latter that got under Tate's skin and I knew why... yet again, he wanted to pretend he was past the rape. And that was the moment I decided to jump into the grease.

"Babe, I know how you feel but there are things I've noticed and this weekend feeds in to that. I have to ask, is this totally about us or is it, even in part, about you getting past Tillet's attack."

We hit a stop light and I looked over to see a tear running down his cheek.

"Tate, please talk to me," I fairly begged.

He wiped at his cheek and eyes, then turned his head ostentatiously to look out the window.

"I ...uh... I... No, I don't want to do that right now."

The rest of the ride to school was silent and it made my stomach knot up in the worst way. When I finally parked, he was out of the truck without a word the moment the door unlocked. I sat there and just felt awful for about five minutes until Sam Gupta walked by and slammed his face into my window trying to be funny.

TATE

I was in a daze during the morning and did a terrible job hiding it. Chels, Kristen, and Zach did a good job of covering for me, but it was hard since only one of them knew what was really wrong. I hated myself for being weak and in my head, and I hated even more Zach's question and how it effected me, because he was right. It didn't occur to me until lunch that I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at myself.

At that point, I knew I had to be honest with myself and then with him. There was a part of what I wanted to do, a small part, that was about my need to get past the attack physically. The last time I had sex it had been non-consensual. I'd tried twice with familiar partners since the attack and it had gone wrong both times. In my head, I needed to push through and I felt like it was possible with Zach. Sure, my desire for him was based on him, not that. But there was a tiny part of me that needed this to move beyond what happened to me, the final piece of my therapy.

That I was, in effect, using him and his feelings for me never occurred to me and the realization that I was being wildly selfish settled over me like a lead blanket.

Just before Calc I was standing at my locker when I saw him walking up to me slowly. Throughout the day we'd made eye contact and the pleading look in his eyes caused me so much pain I was worried I'd not be able to make it through the day.

"Hey babe," he said standing there, his eyes watering.

I looked over at him and gave him a small smile, "It's going to be OK and I'm sorry." As the word sorry left my mouth he embraced me so quickly and strongly it was like being swept up by a tornado.

When he finally released me I told him to come to my house after practice.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I wiped at my eyes, "Yeah. We need to talk."

"I'm OK, Tate. If you're fine, I'm fine. You don't have to..."

"Yeah, I do."

He nodded, "OK, I'll come as soon as coach lets us go."

My funk didn't lift as the day wore on. I even laid down for about 30 minutes when I got home, but I couldn't sleep. It wasn't just castigating myself on an endless loop, it was about how I dealt with this. I clammed up and just refused to engage, which was totally unhealthy and unproductive. It wasn't fear, it was just helplessness, as if I couldn't gain any ground because I had this horrible weight attached to me.

It meant I needed to go back to therapy and that it needed to happen fast.

It also meant that despite my efforts to pretend otherwise; the attack hurt me emotionally far more than I thought. What Tillet did to me was still playing a role in my life. It wasn't controlling me, but it was still there.

About 615 Zach texted that he was going to pick up dinner from Carl's Jr and asked what I wanted. I was so down I just replied `cheeseburger with bacon and fries'.

When he arrived, he walked through the door, hugged me tightly and for only the second time since that morning, I felt a little lighter. As he held me, I started to cry, not because I was hurt but because I was relieved. He had to know what was going on and he still wanted to be with me. It was the little thing I needed to pull myself back together.

As we ate, I told him what I'd figured out and admitted that what he'd feared was correct.

"Then we should wait," he said

"No," I quickly replied. "I can't help that a small part of us having sex will help me move past the rape any more than I can help wanting you so badly it hurts. I am ready now and it's like 99.9% because of you. Can't that be enough?"

He sat there chewing, thinking.

"Yes. But I need to tell you something as well."

I sat back, prepared for something terrible. "OK, what's wrong?"

"I have been having nightmares about what happened to you and they all end with me killing Tillet. If he escapes punishment, I'm going to deal with him and I need to be honest with you about that. I was going to hide it from you, because I didn't want you to think I was doing it because I thought you were damaged. I'm doing it because he deserves it."

I sat there in silence, my mouth hanging open, as he continued to eat. My mind wasn't racing it was stuck on `I'm going to deal with him'. After about 30 seconds, I went back to eating. The silence continued until he was done.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" he asked.

I thought for a second then replied, "Is there anything I can say to dissuade you from this course of action?"

He looked puzzled, "Don't you want him to pay for what he did?"

"Sure. Absolutely. Of course. But I also know it's unlikely he's going to be tried as an adult and he'll more than likely get probation. The punishment isn't as big deal for me as the acknowledgment of his crime. That's what I want, for people to know that he is a rapist."

He sat back in his chair, "Well, what if that's not enough for me?"

"Well, then I would also beg you to please think about yourself and the life we want to build together. You'll put that in jeopardy."

He smiled broadly, "Tate, I'm just talking about beating his ass. I'm not going to kill him."

I don't know why, but that statement completely defused the nervousness that had animated me for the last few minutes. I felt myself relaxing and wondered, "Why did I think he was talking about something far worse?"

"I'm sorry, I thought you meant..."

"You thought I was going to kill him, didn't you?" he said, smiling. I nodded. "Tate, I'm not homicidal, I'm just a little Old Testament in needing to see justice done. I also want to take away any thought of security he has. I want him to know he can be physically hurt with ease."

I thought for a minute, then slowly responded, "You want to do to him what he did to me, except for the rape?"

"You got it."

"OK," I replied, softly, as I looked away.

"That doesn't bother you, does it?" he asked.

"No, it doesn't. I know that probably makes me a terrible person, but I'm absolutely fine with that," I said as I got up and started picking up the trash from the table. I disposed of the trash, then stood at the sink looking out the window over it. I don't know how long I stood there, spaced out, before I felt him behind me, wrapping his arms around my chest.

"Are you OK?"

I put my head back and sighed, "Yeah, it's just been a tougher day than I expected."

"How would you feel about watching a movie with me before I have to leave? Or just sitting with me and listening to music? Or basically anything that involves you leaning back on me and letting me hold you?"

I smiled, turning in his arms to face him.

"That sounds good."

We stayed in the living room, with me curled up on him, until about 9 when he left to go home. I locked up the house and went up to get ready for bed, emotionally drained but buoyed by (and very thankful for) him. Before I climbed in bed, I sent an email to the therapist I'd seen in Texas asking for a referral near Palo Alto.

The next morning I felt much better and was obviously happier when he arrived to pick me up. My mother usually let him in and then fed us both before we left together for school. It always cracked me up since I knew his mother fed him and he still cheerily sat down to shovel whatever my mother made us into his mouth. Bruiser could eat.

That morning I was responsible for food and we had yogurt and berries with some cereal mixed in. The crestfallen look on his face was priceless since my mother usually made him eggs, but he choked it down without complaint.

School that day was uneventful but the game that night was, well, pretty amazing. I actually paid attention and saw what Ben had talked about; Zach was brutal. It was impressive watching him dominate other dudes on the field. It also made me horny. I feel embarrassed to admit it, but watching him overpower other guys made me WANT him in the nastiest way. I spent the game pretty keyed up and it carried over to the end when we went down to the field.

I stood at the fence, waiting for him to notice me and was rewarded with that smile which always made me feel amazing. He walked over, shucking his gloves and putting them in his helmet, which he dropped on the ground so could use his hands to gently hold my head and kiss me.

When he broke off, I grabbed his head and pulled his ear closer to me.

"I don't know what we have planned for after, but you should know that watching you out on the field tonight has me horny as fuck."

He pulled back and looked at me with very wide eyes.

"I told Dan we'd stop by his party..."

I smiled, "OK, but we're not staying long."

"We're not," he said, his smile growing wider.

"No, we're not. You should go get cleaned up."

He nodded and then ran off, only to stop about 10 feet away when I reminded him about his helmet, which he quickly returned for.

I watched him jog off the field, then went to his truck in the players lot and waited patiently.

ZACH I was so keyed up I knew guys were wondering what the hell was going on. Luckily, I didn't chub up too obviously to anyone, except Ben who just glanced down and smiled. I'd told him earlier I thought this would be the weekend and I think he figured out tonight was going to be the first time.

Tate had no idea how much he wound me up. He knew he got to me, but he had no concept of what was going on in my head. He was horny and could be casual about it. It was sexy on a galactic level when he smoothly told me he was horny.

I, on the other hand, was ready to spend the next two days fucking him to the point where we both merged into a single body. It's a miracle I made it out of the shower without having to drop a nut.

I saw him standing by my truck looking at his phone as I walked out. He was stunning even doing something as mundane as checking TikTok and it made me slow down a bit to appreciate the man I was walking toward. He looked up as I got close with that overwhelming smile that once more reminded me how in love I was with this amazing guy.

"You ready?"

He looked back at his phone, "Yeah, but you've got to see this."

We got in the truck and he handed me his phone which was playing video of a football game, specifically the one I'd just played.

"Someone loaded the game to TikTok already?" I thought out loud, which made him laugh.

"Well, the highlight reel at least."

I handed his phone back and turned on the truck, forgetting about anything on TikTok and concentrating on driving us to this party.

"You're really quiet, are you OK?" he asked.

I glanced over and smiled tightly at him, "I am about as worked up sexually as I have ever been. I'm working hard to concentrate on the road so we don't die on our way to this stupid party I wish I hadn't committed to."

He laughed, "I had no idea it was that bad. Do you want to pull over and I'll blow you?"

I turned into a parking lot and slammed on the brakes.

"You can't DO stuff like that to me. You have no idea how easily you wind me up!"

He leaned over and looked me in the eyes, "Yeah, I do." And then proceeded to kiss me which helped me relax. We drove on to the party which ended up being a non-event for me since I really couldn't think straight. Tate seemed to find the whole thing hilarious.

TATE

Keeping him anxious wasn't what I had intended, but it ended up being so much fun. I knew he was basically a giant testicle from the stories I'd heard about his conquests from third parties (Chels more than Ben) and knew that his body count dramatically eclipsed my own.

The party ended up being a blast for me, until he lost it and whispered in my ear, "Please can we go to your place?".

I was only too happy to oblige especially since I wanted this. It had been a long time for me, but that wasn't the reason I was anxious. That was driven entirely by the desire to be with him.

When we got back to my house, it was a mad dash to get upstairs, but that ended the moment we walked in my room and everything slowed way down. He kissed me and once more I melted into him, then he slowly undressed me. When he was done, he took a step back and looked at me. For the first time in my life, I was self-conscious and nervously asked, "What?"

"I just want to take it all in. It's the first time I'm seeing you without clothes and I want to burn it into my memory."

Not long after, he started to undress and it was shocking as I could feel my heart beat faster. My body was beautiful, but his was... powerful. He was built to perform, I was built to attract and I felt a pang of inadequacy, like I wasn't quite enough for him. Too insubstantial, like a Kleenex when someone needed a paper towel.

He embraced me again, this time more forcefully and it made me moan. At that point, I lost control as he grabbed my ass, lifted me up, and then dropped us both down on my bed. He was careful, clearly cognizant of his ability to hurt me, but there was no doubt he was taking charge of me and I really liked it.

It was clear he was thinking missionary, but I didn't feel comfortable with that. Zach isn't a porn star, but he was big and I wanted to be in control this first time. So I put him on his back and climbed up. The image of him below me, with his arms folded behind his head, was breathtaking. Zach is a massive guy and it suddenly dawned on me that he was under my control, the realization of that ended up being a real rush. I'd never been with anyone like him and as I started to open up and let him in, I was shocked at how much I was enjoying this. It was beyond any sexual experience I'd ever had.

And then the flared head of his fat cock rubbed over my prostate and I felt a wave of pleasure wash over me. My legs started to shake a bit, but I continued my descent, adjusting to let him in deep, while dealing with the constant stimulation on my prostate as the girth of him kept up the pressure. It was really overwhelming and I looked at him at one point, my face betraying my feelings and he smiled at me, while adjusting himself just a bit and with a thrust made me toss my head back as I saw stars.

ZACH

Sex.

My father had The Talk about sex with me in the most awkward way possible, after he caught me with a girlfriend when I was in 8th grade. Why he didn't feel the need to have The Talk sooner, I'll never really understand. During it, he told me that sex needed to be special, only with someone who meant something to you. I kind of laughed and said that I thought Mandy was special which made him laugh.

"I'm sure she's very special, but the point is you'll find a woman who will change everything for you. It would be good if you could wait for her."

Sure, Dad', I remember thinking at the time. I didn't doubt that someone special would come, I just didn't think they'd change everything'.

The woman ended up being a man named Tate and my father was absolutely right.

I laughed softly thinking about how Tate had been concerned about sex with me on our first date. It had really charged me up that when I kissed him, he melted into me. It's amazing feeling the person you love relax completely in your arms and put all their trust in you. It made me feel like I could do anything. I thought his concern had been partially in jest, but I realized when I looked at him, REALLY looked at him, he was genuinely concerned about it. And, to his credit, he wasn't stupid to worry after the way he'd reacted to kissing me because while I was a good kisser, I was amazing in bed.

Still, he never let his fear, or even concern, stand in his way. When the moment came tonight, he dominated it and gave me something I'll remember for the rest of my life, my first time with someone I loved more than myself. I didn't take from him, as I had so many others, what I wanted. I gave him everything I had and it was the most amazing experience of my life.

When he was straddling me, there was a moment of total vulnerability and absolute fearlessness. What I was doing to him, deep inside him, was causing him to experience things he'd never thought possible and rather than stop, he kept going. It was right before I came and I could see it in him as he looked at me. He wasn't trusting me, he was giving himself to me in the most urgent and primal way a human being could. Later I thought about The Talk with my father since sleep proved elusive. My entire body was on fire and I was anything but tired. I could have had sex again, but for Tate it wasn't an option, he'd fallen asleep quickly after, completely exhausted. I reached over to him and gently touched him as he slept peacefully next to me, face down, head slightly tilted so he could breathe. He wasn't hot or cute, he was beautiful in a way that caused my breath to catch, like when you see a truly magnificent piece of art in person. He was objectively gorgeous, but this was on an entirely different level. He'd have millions of obsessed fans if they could see him like this. I was thankful only I would, hopefully, for the rest of our lives.

I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, imagining our future together. This is the kind of thing I couldn't tell him about, at least not yet. I didn't want to scare him into thinking I was some sort of freak. The look on his face when I told him I fell in love with him when we first met was one of skepticism. It took me days to get past that, not that he didn't believe in love at first sight, but that he doubted me. In truth I hadn't been a believer, but then that day came and like everything where he's concerned, my world flipped upside down.

I heard him murmur but I couldn't make it out and I looked over at him to see if he was awake. His eyes were still closed, his long eye lashes crossed together, interwoven, and I saw his eyes moving slightly behind their lids. I realized I was watching him dream.

I slowly fell asleep, only to be awaked after what seemed like minutes as he moved really close to me, his back touching my side. I gently turned and put my arm around him, holding him tightly to me and was rewarded with a soft, contented sigh which sent a new jolt of electricity through me. I knew he loved me, but this was one of those unconscious acts which showed you exactly how someone felt. In my mind, he wasn't seeking warmth, he was seeking me.

And I felt so unbelievably good about that it made me shake with excitement.