I sat there staring at my phone, the text message my ex sent me. "Your nothing but a liar and a joke. Get over it and move on!"
For almost three years I had been trying to tell my ex what I was feeling, how what he did hurt me.
I was staying at my cousins house when one of my friends wanted to video chat. She told me there was a guy who was interested in trans women and wanted to meet me. Im nothing special. As Gweneth Paltrow said in the movie Shallow Hal:
"Im the girl whos smart and whos not afraid to be funny. Im the girl who has alot of friends who are boys but no boyfriends. Im not beautiful and I never will be".
That was me. At 6 ft, 300lbs with boobs, a small "micro penis" and an ass flatter than the praries of Wyoming, I knew I was nothing special. So when this guy took and interest in me, I felt like maybe my days of being alone were over. He was living with our mutual friend and I decided to move in with him. Not long after he purposed. It was at that moment I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.
We moved out of our friends place and lived with another couple who were friends. Something happened where he and I got separated but we still stayed together. Then he got into some trouble and got locked up. Luckily, he was released on Valentines Day. I was thrilled! Finally our life together could begin. We would move in together, get married and start our family. Sadly it wasnt to be. He sent me a text message the next day telling me he couldnt be with me anymore and that we needed to start seeing other people.
I spent the next three years mourning the loss of our relationship. He started dating a cis woman. We talked on and off and tried to be friends. He told me when his girlfriend asked him about our relationship, he told her I was "just a phase he went through". No one can ever know how badly that hurt me. For the next three years, he had one relationship after another while I chose to stay single. I had a met a few guys that had potential but it never went anywhere. We would reconnect, end up fighting and stop talking again.
The last time, he called and we talked. Things were going well when I woke up the next day to another text message.
"My girlfriend doesnt want me talking to you so I have to go. Bye!"
Cant say Im suprized. Thats what he did. When things got too personal or difficult, he ran away. I was done. I deleted all the dating and hookup apps I was on. I had been a practicing Tibetan Buddhist for a long time but not even meditation or internal reflection could ease the pain I felt. I decided to live like a monk. I didnt date, hookup or even jerkoff, despite how much I wanted to.
I spent my days practicing meditation and living a celibate, solitary life. That worked fine for awhile until I found out my ex was engaged to the woman he was currently dating. That sent me into another spiral of sadness and depression. I knew I needed to get away. I needed a complete redue.
To Be Continued.....
Hope yall liked part 1. Part 2 comming soon. This is a true story taken from my own life and experience. Except the part about being celibate. If you enjoyed part 1 shoot me an email and let me know what you think and as always, be sure to support Nifty.