Ryan and I sat on the kitchen steps in the back of his house
There was a chill in the morning air, and I could tell by the way that it smelled that summer's days were numbered. Ryan lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. His face was like stone; hard and unyielding. All of the usual indicators told me that he wasn't really there that morning but instead wandering the corridors of his mind in deep contemplation. He closed his eyes slowly and puffed several rings of smoke into the sky.
"It's cold." he said, his focus was fixed on something off in the distance.
"Yeah, I know. I'm freezing" I agreed.
Just a few weeks earlier we had been in a hot spell the likes of which had never been seen in our area before. Now, we were met with the early onset of autumn. A cold breeze blew through the surrounding trees before whipping into the backyard. I shivered and pulled my knees close to my chest.
We sat in silence for a long time. With other people the lack of words would feel terribly awkward, but normally when I was with Ryan I didn't notice it at all. We were both just there. No obligations. Today was different though because I could tell that he was thinking about me. I wanted to speak but I had nothing to say.
"Hey listen," he said after while, "I don't want you to let this thing stop you Eric. It's not gonna make your life any easier but don't think of it as a curse."
"I won't." I replied with an air of certainty.
"Good. I mean, there are gonna be a lot of people trying to push you backwards every time you take a step forward--just because you're gay. Don't ever let'm get to you. Always keep on charging forward. You have probably got a better shot at making a name for yourself than anyone who has come out of this place. Don't ever give up."
He looked at me with brave eyes. Ryan knew that he wouldn't make it out of that town. He knew that his future was destined to be lived in our sleepy little dot on a map. Time meant nothing there, and it would soon come to mean nothing to him as well. I knew he would never complain though. His mom was there, Emmy's parent's were there, and the whole cast of characters that watched him become a man would be there as well.
My head spun around as the sounds of crunching stone broke the silence around us. Someone was there. I waited impatiently as the noise came closer.
My Dad's truck pulled slowly around the corner of the house and slid into the parking space between Kyle's car and Ryan's truck. I watched as he adjusted his hat in the rear-view mirror before climbing out of the cab. Fear jolted down my spine-- why, I have no clue. It felt like I was about to be a less than willing participant in a duel. I looked to Ryan who wore a confident smile from ear to ear.
"Everything is gonna be cool," he said, "It's just your pops."
I quickly looked back to my Dad who seemed to be walking exceptionally slow. I counted his steps as he walked: 13, 14, 15. It was cold outside but I could feel the sweat beginning to form on my back. 16, 17, 18. Each time his foot hit the earth I cringed. 19, 20, 21. I took a deep breath. My eyes instinctively fell to the ground.
"Mornin' boys." he said with a quiet intensity.
"Mornin." Ryan replied as he took another drag off his cigarette.
My stomach tightened as I pondered the reason of his visit. I thought about what I would say; how I would react if things took a downhill turn. Luckily my mother had not come. My dad was a level headed man who expressed his displeasure in looks of disgust. Instead of beating someone to the ground he had the god-like ability to make him implode from self loathing. Several ants scurried along on the ground below me, oblivious to to the havoc that could begin at any moment.
I prayed for a way to get out of the mess I was in. I hoped that I would close my eyes and wake up a year later when everything was calm. My father's imposing stature cast a long shadow on the ground. I shuddered.
"Ryan, would you mind leaving us for a moment." my father asked stepping forward.
I watched in the corner of my eye as Ryan scraped his cigarette on the cement step and put the butt in his pocket.
"No problem." he replied as he turned and went inside.
I heard the screen door pull into its frame followed by the heavy interior door of the kitchen. We were alone.
My dad sat down next to me. Without even looking I could conjour up his image in my mind. His old hands rested solidly on his knees, his eyes held firm in a constant squint. I could see him sitting there with a look of repulsion on his face. I glanced at his feet. When I was a child I had always been amazed at how they dwarfed mine in comparison. Now, as our boots rested next to each other they appeared similar in size and wear. He and I both had big shoes to fill and all of the burdens that came with them.
A wave of courage rose up from somewhere deep inside me. The shame that surrounded me dissolved into nothingness I lifted my gaze to meet his. His eyes which I envisioned bearing a fiery resentment were instead filled with sadness. The deep creases of his face expressed remorse and fear.
"Eric, your mother and I would like you to come home."
Wow. That was definitely not what I was expecting. I let go of the breath that I had been holding onto and felt my body relax instantly. They wanted me back. They wanted me to come home.
"Your mother has been in tears since you left," he paused for a moment, "She didn't mean any of it. She is afraid that she has lost you."
Of all the feelings that spun around me and all the words that were said, the thing that stood out the most about coming out was the anguish on my mom's face. The tears in her eyes burnt, the torment in her voice stung. I had let the pain that built up inside me for so long hurt her as well.
"I'm so sorry for all of this." I said.
"Don't say that son. Never be sorry for something you didn't do." he spoke soft and low, "If anyone should be apologizing it should be me. I should have opened my mouth before things got out of hand."
But I wasn't apologizing for being gay. I was sorry for hurting them, for believing that they would stop loving me because I was gay. I was the one who had yelled spitefully at my mother. I was the one who had cursed my father beneath my breath. I was the "failed son." The one that was destined to bring them public humiliation.
"We love you Eric and although this going to take a while for your mother and I to work through, you need to know that you are still our son and always will be. Nothing can change that."
He rested his big hand on my shoulder and patted me like fathers often do.
"I love you too." I said quietly. He smiled.
And that was that. There was no sermon; no speech on the evil that resided within me. There was no declaration of contempt. It was just as Ryan, Bev, and my dad had said: they were my parents and I was their son. Nothing in the world could break that bond.
I remember sitting there in shock that is was finally over. My secret was no longer something to be hidden away. I could be who I was destined from birth to be, no longer seeking shelter in the carefully executed guise I had adopted. More than the shock though was a feeling of disappointment. Yeah, I was gay-- but now what. I never experienced the jubilant feelings of liberation that I was expecting. There was nothing physical that I could touch or see that told me that anything had changed.
That evening I lay in my own bed. My pillows and blankets were there. The lumpy mattress was just as lumpy as before. There was something about it though that did not feel the same. I stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out what it was that had changed. Then it hit me. My world had been turned on its head since the last time I was in that bed. Things could be forgotten but only for a moment; any longer and they never existed. I could not make myself forget about what happened to Justin. I could not hide my thoughts of Kyle away forever. No matter how hard I tried there was not way to keep them from coming back to me.
So I invited them in and asked them to stay. My memories and I, alone at last. We spoke quietly and shouted at the top of our lungs. We laughed, and naturally, cried too. There were so many good times to talk and so many sad ones to recall as well. We listened to the lessons learned and pondered about the future. We trashed our past mistakes and praised our successes. Most importantly though we made peace. Justin was there and I told him all that he meant to me. Kyle was there and I told him I missed him. Ryan showed up at the last minute (as always) and I made sure he knew how thankful I was. We reminisced for a long time until the persistent call of the night became too great and we all drifted off to sleep.